creativegarbagedump

Goodbye

2011-02-25T09:28:00.000-08:00

After several years I've finally decided to give this blog up for good. I've had a lot of fun, made some friends, and it got me through some pretty rough times, but I feel like it's run it's course for me. It's part of my past now and I'm ready to move on.

Thanks to everyone that took the time to read my shitty writing or my long winded ramblings, it means more than you could ever know.

For those so inclined you can follow me here:
The Stuff Hole

Peace!

Artwork from the 1952 Classmate

2011-02-12T08:04:00.000-08:00

Credited Artist: Norman Tuinstra

I wish someone had done something like this for my senior year book!

The artist did an insane amount of work. On top of the art shown here, he also did most of the lettering, including lettering for the ads in the back!

Go Fuck Yourself

2011-02-10T09:48:00.001-08:00

What the Fuck?
I asked you nicely
I asked you kind
I explained my position
I thought pretty well
I don't care if you share
All I want is credit
But now you can go to Hell

You might be from a country
Where this kind of thing is okay
Where stealing is a way to get ahead
That doesn't mean
I don't think you're any less of a scum
If I saw you, I'd punch you in the head

And so I say again
One more time
From the bottom of my heart
A message sort of in rhyme
I already stated
"Please go to Hell"
Now I ask, "Please GO FUCK YOURSELF!"

A Couple More Poems...

2011-02-07T13:55:00.000-08:00

...Since you guys seemed to like my last batch.

First, another poem for Mia Zapata. I can't seem to get her out of my head lately.

Unfair
Words that tear my head apart
And a voice that rips the strings out of my heart
Is it Janis Joplin in a second skin?
Or a flame that burned bright
And then was gone in a whirlwind?
A victim of unthinkable skin
Bring our chicken-girl back again

Nothing
How sweet the nothing
Of death's cold grip
But how sweet the life
It's brief cold sip
Both incomprehensible
Maddening trips

Humid
Have you ever seen a night
When the wind was still
And the moon showed it's face
Coming over the hill?
All week long
You felt like it should rain
Because the closeness of the air
Has been driving you insane
But the night does nothing
To ease the pain
As you try to find your way
Back home again
But it's a long long road

The first house you find
The door is open wide
But there's no one home
When you stick your head inside
And a thought that comes to your head
"Is this what it's like to be dead?"
There's so many more miles to roam
And it's a long long way home

A Handful of Short Poems

2011-01-18T20:46:00.000-08:00

Bad Decision
Monkeys ruined my social scene
By peeing on my TV screen
And flinging poop from their rears
Why did I invite them over here?

Fun Day
One day I wanted to have some fun
So I took my knife and my gun
And went and saw old Bill Mars
And spent the day playing cards

Jenny Lee
I really like you Jenny Lee
Come and sit upon my knee
If your daddy asks
Please tell him lies
Last time he blackened both my eyes

Race
I'll race you to that rotted tree
I bet I bet you can't catch me!
You're too slow
I'm already there!
You don't have any legs?
Just wooden pegs?
The Heck I care!
I still beat you fair and square!

Demolished
Mia Z Took a stand
Her fist in the air
A mic in her hand
When Mia sang
The walls caved in
And people cheered above the din
But now Mia's gone
And in her place
A vacuum sits
A nothingness
A black hole
The pits
No more Mia, no more Gits
While in prison Jesus sits
I hope his Hell is every day
For taking our poor Mia away

MS Paint Comix Time

2011-01-16T21:12:00.000-08:00

Come see what happens when someone with no drawing talent attempts to make comics with a program that automatically turns everything into crap! Hooray!

Scene on Bench Outside the Church on Fourth Street

2011-01-12T21:04:00.000-08:00

"Normal people aren't like us, Kate. They're boring."
Rob was a wierd-shit, but I liked to listen to him talk.
"So what are we exactly?"
I took out my cigs from my jacket pocket. Damn, last one. I needed to ration these things better. They were hard to get. Rob looked thoughtful for a bit, his eyes squinting in concentration.
"We are...we are...above." He smiled out of the corner of his mouth, like he always did when he thought he had said something profound. I thought it was kind of cute.
"Are we?" I took a drag and blew a cloud of smoke which vanished when the wind caught it. Damn it was cold out. I almost regretted skipping school. At least there it would be warm...
"The two of us are..." He put his hand up by the side of his face, shook it, and then dropped it into his lap. "The two of us are immaculate beings, created by the gods to be supreme creatures. That. That is what makes us above my dear Kate. It makes us Superior."
Rob was such a weirdo but that's really what drew me to him. He wasn't that good looking, small nerdish guy, but he was really smart, and had this strange dry humor. Like now. He was trying to make me laugh and it was working, damn him. I took another cig drag.
"You know you didn't have to skip today." I looked over at him, sitting there in cheap JC Penny clothes that his mom had bought for him. What a fucking nerd. I smiled again, even though I didn't want to.
"But you were..."
"Yeah I know, you skipped for me. It's sweet and all but I don't want to get you in trouble. I've done enough of that already..."
"Don't worry about it." He was looking at the ground now. I could almost hear the gears moving in his head.
"Why shouldn't I worry about it? You're smart, smarter than anyone else I've ever met. I don't want you to fuck your life up Rob! You've got too much going for you..."
He turned and looked at me.
"I don't care, I just want to be with you."
I sighed loudly. This was all my fault. So fucking stupid, why did everything have to be so fucked up? I dropped my cig on the ground and crushed it under my heel.
"Look. You're going to go to college and you're going to forget all about me. I'm going to get a job at a fucking grocery store and then..."
"That's not how it's going to happen."
"Yeah it is. You fucking know it is. Even though you try and tell yourself thats now how life works..."
"But you're too smart for..."
Me yelling now. I didn't understand why either. "What do you think I've got? You think I'm going to get to go to college? Huh? White trash little slut that can't even graduate from fucking high school. You think I've got a fucking chance? I never did, it's all...It's all fucked up!" Breathing hard I wiped a single tear from my face.
Rob didn't say anything for awhile. I could tell he was thinking again.
"You...you can draw though right?"
"Yeah, I guess. Sort of."
"No, I've seen your stuff, it's really good." He looked up at me and smiled. "You'll do okay...both of us will."
For a fucking nerd, he sure know the right things to say, I'll give him that.
"Rob, you..."
I was interrupted by a car that had just driven up that neither of us had even noticed. It was an ancient looking station wagon, green with awful wood panels. The man who stepped out was wearing a grey suit, perfectly pressed with impossibly perfect shoes. Mr. Ward, the school principal. The biggest asshole I had ever met in my life. He put his hands on his hips and arched his eyebrows. His hair piece flipped a little in the October wind but didn't fly off like it should have.
"Robert Milligan," He started, not even looking at me, "Skipping school again. Your mother is going to be very upset and I. I am very dissapointed in you."
Rob didn't say anything, just stared at the ground.
"Well," Hands still on his hips, "What do you have to say for yourself young man?"
Rob still didn't lift his head. "I don't care." He mumbled.
Mr. Ward walked over and knelt down, putting Rob's chin in his hand and lifting it so they were looking each other in the eyes. Rob looked angry, which was bad, Rob hardly ever got angry.
"I said..." Venom in his voice, oh Jesus this was going to be bad. "I said I don't give a shit!"
Mr. Ward looked shocked or a second and then grabbed Rob by the arm, trying to pull him into his car. Rob was the angriest I'd ever seen him. Not even after that drunk guy had tried to paw me outside the bar had I seen like this. His face was beet red and you could tell he was breathing hard.
I got up and started yelling, I can't even remember what, not that it mattered anyways. Neither of them was paying attention to me.
"GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF ME!" Struggling struggling and then...and then it came. I saw it almost in slow motion. Rob got his left arm free and swung around...
The punch landed square on Mr. Ward's jaw, his head cocked back and his damn hairpiece flew off into the air. But it didn't end there. Rob gave him a shove and he landed on the sidewalk, a look of genuine surprise on his face.
Rob really was breathing heavily now, his dorky side parted hair was a mess.
"If you ever touch me again....I'll break out every tooth in your goddman head. You understand?" And then he kicked him in the stomach, hard, so hard that Mr. Ward curled up into a fetal position and threw up all over the curb. Then Rob looked at me, and he smiled. He fucking smiled!
I felt sick to my stomach. This was all my fault. All my fucking fault...

Lets Punk

2011-01-09T20:28:00.001-08:00

Proudly made with MS Paint

Twitch Your Eyes

2011-01-03T21:51:00.000-08:00

I see you lying there
On your back
On the ground
I see the hole there in your head
Where the blood comes pouring down
You should be dead
That's what I surmise
But to my surprise....

Beneath your eyelids
Your lovely orbs go up and down
They're the only things that move around
It's such a peculiar thing
Are you still alive?
Just twitch your pretty pretty eyes

Just last week you drove your car
Off of the bridge
That was on the east side
And it was obvious to everyone
There was no way you were alive
But as the credits rolled
The crowd got up and started to go home
I was the only one that noticed
And I could't keep it inside
I saw you sitting there
And I yelled out "Baby twitch your eyes for me again!"

Beneath your eyelids
Your lovely orbs go up and down
They're the only things that move around
It's such a peculiar thing
Are you still alive?
Just twitch your eyes
And let us know
Just twitch your pretty pretty eyes

Movie Reviews: Monster High (1989)

2011-01-01T20:53:00.000-08:00

DVD bargain bins are interesting things. By reaching my grubby hands in and digging down the to bottom, risking getting fingers bitten off by whatever the heck lives down there, I've gotten some genuine classics, some over looked low budget gems, and some awful crap. Sometimes it's hard to tell by the cover just how entertaining the movie is going to be, but for five bucks or less, why not spin that wheel? Monster High looked pretty stupid, but at least entertaingly so. A stupid kid's movie perhaps? It did come out in the late 80s, a great time for crappy kid's flicks. Nope, it's rated R. Oh well, it can't be that bad...

I know this sounds harsh, but some people should not make movies. For even thinking about getting near a camera, they should be smacked in the face several times till they go back to their jobs managing Burger Kings. This movie is such a complete mess that even after watching all 84 minutes of it, I can't really tell you what the plot is. For some reason the earth is going to be destroyed and then there's this guy who looks like a Las Vegas lounge singer who comes out of a basketball and starts bringing monsters to life when he's not raping and then killing cheerleaders, and then this one character keeps waking up over and over...sometimes it's good to have an actual script when you make a movie instead of just a bunch of random ideas and no plot.
Oh yeah, this is a comedy, even though none of it's funny. The asshole rapping aliens that sound like Fred Figglehorn are not funny, the giant pot plant is not funny, even the nerd that gets turned into a computer isn't funny. It's a great example of how an incompetant director can really ruin good ideas. It's not much fun to watch though. Instead of entertaining, it's just pathetic and sad.
But hey, if you like boobs, there's lots of them! Stunt boobs though. It's very obvious that the main actress didn't want to take her top off. She can't act very well either and isn't that good looking. Why was she cast? Oh thats right, the director was an idiot.
This is the kind of movie that you catch at five in the morning when you're still a little drunk and then fall asleep in the middle of. When you wake up that afternoon you still have lingering memories of a turd monster that was obviously a midget in a poorly made costume and the bad taste of late 80s synth in your mouth. How this ended up on DVD is a mystery...
Grade: F

Late Night Songlist (Number Whatever...)

2010-12-30T22:17:00.000-08:00

Hope you guys like this one. It's full of stuff that I've loved for awhile, and some new stuff that I've just gotten into recently. I also tried to create different mood themes to run through it. Not sure if it worked too well...

1. Santo and Johnny - Sleepwalk (Extended Version)
2. The Schoolboys - Please Say You Want Me
3. Steve Fitch - It's My Birthday
4. Joe Diffie - Down in a Ditch
5. Frank Black - Speedy Marie
6. Simon & Garfunkel - The Boxer
7. The Plasmatics - Stop
8. Wendy O. Williams - No Class
9. Acid Bath - Cheap Vodka
10. Steve Fitch - In the Neighborhood
11. ???????????????????????????????
12. Pixies - Wave of Mutilation (UK Surf)
13. The Sex Pistols - Rock Around the Clock

Heaven (Notebook scrap #1)

2010-12-29T22:08:00.000-08:00

It was hot out that day. Boiling hot. As I struggled to get through the thick jungle brush, sweat poured down my face and soaked my clothes till I was drenched. I was looking for Heather and when I found her this time, she was going to get locked up. She was created to serve me sexually and I was going to goddamned if I was going to let her run away from me again. Where the Hell did she think she was going to go? This was a fucking island. Not only was it an island but it was the only island on a planet completly covered with water otherwise. No other land could exist unless I willed it. And that wasn't going to fucking happen. I was happy here with everything just the way it was. And why shouldn't I be? I had created the fucking place after all...

Okay, so here's the thing. Heaven isn't what you think it is. First of all, it's what you make it. After you die, you wake up floating in a white void. If you're smart, you'll figure out that you can create a place to live just by thinking about it. If you're not smart...well I guess you're shit out of luck. Hope you like the color white.
But anyways, I always wanted my own island when I was alive. It was a weird fascianation I developed as a kid after being forced to read Lord of the Flies in grade school. So I made a fucking tropical island. Great, perfect. Except that god is a fucking dick....
See, you can create whatever you want. You want a huge mansion? There you go, you got a mansion. You want a rock that juts out that you can fish off of? Okay, there you go. But you can't control the weather and you can't control the rising and the setting of the sun. I know, it's complete bullshit. Since I made a tropical island, now I have to deal with the heat for all eternity. And the rain. It rains almost twice a week here. Why don't I just make something else? Because that's another thing. Once you create something, you can't get rid of it and you can't alter it. So I made this island and that was that, now I'm stuck. I'd like to meet god, just once, I'd punch him in his fucking face. Yeah, I'll bet he gets a good laugh out of guys like me who think they got it made, think the afterlife is any better than the before life. What a crock of shit. And you can still feel pain! Your broken bones and cuts heal faster, but it still fucking hurts. Jesus, what an asshole!
But anyways, I was looking for Heather...

Heather was based on a girl that I had really wanted to fuck in high school. A sweet little innocent blonde girl, real short with pouty lips. So I created her and for a good month I fucked the shit out of her whenever I felt like it. Then one day she asked me if she could have some books. Fine, whatever. Not like it was costing me anything. So I made her some encyclopedias. Big mistake. They put ideas in her head and suddenly she didn't want me anymore and started trying to escape. The first time I found her on the other side of the island hiding in some caves. It was a pain in the ass to get there because I had to cross the huge mountains that divided the island in half and I got pretty banged up on the way there. I beat her up pretty good and told her that she'd get worse if she tried it again. She was a good little girl for about a month and then took off again. And thats where we're at now...

When I found her she was sitting in a clearing that I had never seen before. I'd been all over this island and knew it like the back of my hand, but I had never seen this fucking place.
You know that little voice in your head that tells you that something is really wrong? Well, that didn't go off for me. Tough shit I guess.
So she's sitting in this clearing with her legs crossed and she's got this book in front of her, again, nothing that I had ever fucking made.
So I go to grab her and she just laughs at me. A real evil type of laugh too. And she starts saying these words, these real strange garbled words and points at me. Of course now I'm more pissed off than I've ever been and I got to grab her by the hair when I start to feel funny. Like when you're sick and get light headed and weak. And it surges through my whole body. And then I look down and my feet are gone. And I watch my legs and my stomach go away until finally there's just my head floating there and I says to this girl:
"Why are you doing this? This is my world!"
And she says:
"No it's not, not anymore."
And then I'm floating in this black void and I can't see my hands in front of my face. I floated for a long time until I found this place. I kind of like this place, the beer is good and the whores you created are great! So whats outside the door there? Nothing? What do you mean nothing? All you created was this goddamn pub? You stupid fucking idiot...

13 Ways to Make Your Christmas Less Depressing

2010-12-25T12:48:00.001-08:00

So it's Christmas eve, and you're all alone. Your girlfriend dumped you last week and the only presents you've recieved were a pair of ugly looking socks from your mother. Nobody loves you, not even your cat which left a nice big vomity present under your scraggly tree. But don't put that noose around your neck yet! There's lots of good ways to make your holiday season less suicidally grim! Such as...

1. Go out and buy booze for all the homeless people in your neighborhood. Then invite them to a huge party in front of the local police station.
2. Take a local child from a broken home and look for a Christmas tree. But don't buy one, there's trees all over! Just make sure that if you hear a motor running or gunshots that small children do not make very good body shields. Conk him out with a piece of wood and run!
3. Find that one kid in the neighborhood that you really can't stand (preferably from a broken home) and buy him the coolest looking toy ever. Then eat it in front of him.
4. Take a bunch of dogs and cats from the local animal shelter and set them loose in a local elementary school. The kids will shit themselves with joy!
5. Cheer up a child from a broken home by giving his mom some money. Preferably from the window of a vehicle while she is standing on a street corner.
6. Decorate your boss's office with fake snow. Make sure to get every inch covered!
7. Take those socks you got and make funny hand puppets. Put on a show for some local children from broken homes that explains why there are poor and their parents drink all the time. It's because they exist.
8. Hug everybody you see for one whole day. And you feel so inclined, kiss them too! On the mouth. For a very long time.
9. Create a new Christmas character: Santa no pants! Go around to various broken homes and do your funny Santa no pants dance.
10. Visit the local old folks home. Bring your hand puppets. Refuse to leave until you've make each old person smile at least once. If the puppets fail, bring out Santa no pants!
11. Go on Facebook and post that you are going to kill yourself. Lots of people will come over to your house then!
12. Christmas music should be played loudly and at very early hours of the morning. This works well if you live in an apartment!
13. Kidnap a child from a broken home and keep him in a closet. Feed him nothing but candy canes and eggnog till he turns into an jolly Christmas elf. If he dies before that, quietly return him to the broken home from whence he came...

There, now your Christmas will be bright and gay! Hey, put down those razorblades!

Wonderful Day

2010-12-22T15:16:00.000-08:00

My urgent response was needed
To get my Christmas prize today
I won some Russian ladies
They're already on their way
Thank god I've got my Viagra
From the Pfizer company
And when they show up to the door
I'll show them my winning ID
I think I can safely say
It's going to be a goddamn wonderful day

Because I've
Just won three million dollars
From the Microsoft Lottery
And then I got 2 million more
From some guy named Ahmed Abdel-Azeem
Those Nigerians are so generous
It's hard for me to believe
That all this good luck
Came to a poor schmuck
As undeserving as me
And I'm very happy to say
It's going to be a goddamn wonderful day

Dinosaur Rock

2010-12-21T12:29:00.000-08:00

I remember when I was 21
I got all the girls to hold my gun
But now that my salad days are done
How the hell do I get my fun?
All I do is shake my cock
Boppin' my head to the dinosaur rock

I don't understand these kids today
What happened to the music they used to play?
I would listen to The Eagles and party all night
The Rolling Stones man it was all right
Led Zeppelin till the morning light
And it was all right
And it was all right
And it was all right....
To let it Rock!

Now that I am 46
How the Hell am I goin' to get my kicks?
And get all the girls down on my dick?
I just drive around in my 76 Vette
Blastin' that good stuff on my cassettes
Yeah, that's what I said
Don't need no CDs no MP3's
Just get that shit away from me!
My classic rock station is what I play
More of my hair falls out everyday
Just let it ROCK!
Just let it dinosaur rock

(Spoken): Hey, what the Hell is this? If you don't switch that back to Tom Petty you can walk home! You damn kids with your rap junk! What is this? What is this? Nickleback is okay I guess...

Random List: 10 Creepy Movie Scenes

2010-12-21T00:20:00.000-08:00

The one's that have stuck in my brain and continue to fuel my nightmares...

1. El laberinto del fauno (Pan's Labyrinth) (2006) - The Pale Man Scene
Nothing I've ever seen on film has freaked me out as much as this. Just the way the thing moves (shiver)
2. The Animatrix (2003) - The Second Renaissance Stories
It's a tie between the woman/robot getting beaten to death with a hammer and human energy machine.
3. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) - Dinner Table Scene
Apprently it was no picnic for the actors either. The smell of rotting meat was so strong that some of the actors started to hallucinate that they really were the characters they were playing. One described the experience as worse than nam.
4. A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001) - Robot Torture Carnival
The whole sequence is pretty disturbing, but the part that really got to me is when the nurse robot gets acid dumped on her head. She gives an innocent smile, AND THEN HER FUCKING FACE MELTS OFF! Gah!
5. Silence of the Lambs (1991) - "It rubs the lotion on it's skin..."
You knew this one had to be on here. The freakiest part for me though is when the camera pans up, you see several fingernails embedded in the side of the well, and the trapped girl screams her head off...
6. The Gate (1981) - The Eye
Not too many people remember this movie, which is a shame since it's pretty damn good. The scene in question involves an eye where it shouldn't be and a rather frank way of removing it...
7. Child's Play (1988) - In Which We Find Out What's Really Been Going On
The series got campier and campier as it went along, but the first movie had some genuinly creepy moments. My favorite being the part where the mother picks up the box Chucky came in and the batteries fall out...
8. The Amityville Horror (1979) - Imaginary Friend
A generally boring and stupid movie made in the wake of The Exorcist, based on a book so full of shit that you can smell it when you pick it up, it did however have one really effective scene. There's something about red eyes staring out from the darkness that's just so fucking creepy to me, I don't know what it is...
9. The Fly (1986) - Maggot Birth
The scene in question is just creepy and wrong in so many ways...thanks Cronenberg!
10. Eraserhead (1976) - The Whole Movie!
I've heard that baby's crying in my nightmares...

So what are the scenes that have creeped you out the most? Put them in the comments section!

Dancing on a Pinhead (Part 2)

2010-12-20T18:41:00.000-08:00

"So, what do you do for a living?"
She was sitting in the rickety wooden chair next to my desk. I looked up from where I was hunched over, trying to get the fire started. She had my extra blanket wrapped around her and was wearing some of Mary's old clothes, the one's that I never got around to throwing out. They fit her surprisingly pretty well. The dim candle light cast half of her face in shadow, making her look other quite sinister.
"Huh? Oh, I'm a busker." A few sparks but nothing was catching. Damn cheap hardwood...
"What's a busker?"
I wished she would stop staring at me. She hadn't stopped since we had gotten here. I supposed she was just being cautious.
"It's a fancy word for street musician." There it went, small little flame, pathetic little thing, trying to eat something that was too big for it's mouth. More paper scraps to make it get big and strong...
"Oh really? What do you play?"
Good, good fire. Hopefully it wouldn't go out. I pointed to a case in the corner opposite my bed.
"Squeezebox." I walked over and picked up the case. Setting it on the desk in front of her, I flipped open the latches and took out the funny looking thing that was my lively hood. I played a quick little tune and she laughed.
"Do you make good money with this?" She asked, taking it from me and pressing random keys.
"No not really, enough to eat most of the time and pay the rent on this shitehole but that's about it."
She set the instrument back in it's case. "Do you think that I could...your fire went out." She said, pointing.
"Ah shit!" I yelled and crouched back down in front of the fire place. I need to move somewhere where "winter" doesn't exist, I thought as I blew on the coals.
"What were you saying?" I said without turning around.
"I was gonna ask if I could help you in some way." I sat up.
"Can you sing?"
"I haven't really tried recently, but when I was younger I used to sing quite a bit in Sunday morning church."
I stared into her burning green eyes and the thought occurred to me for some unknown reason that she was lying and had never set foot in a church in her life. But it went quickly and I wouldn't think about it again till later...
"Well, let's give it a shot. What songs do you know?" I walked over and picked up my squeezebox again.
"Sweet Polly Ann?"
A pretty simple well known valley song. I played a few opening chords and then set on the regular melody.

"Sweet Polly Ann
Why did you run from me?
It hurt my heart to see you go
Traveling over the sea
If I had wings
I'd fly away
And bring you back to me..."

I stopped playing, my jaw hanging open. Her voice was the most incredible thing I'd ever heard in my life. It was almost impossibly perfect, like she had stolen an angel's vocal chords and swapped them with her own. She stopped singing and looked at me.
"Was it that bad?"
I found it hard to speak at first. "No, no, it was great! Lets...lets do another song."
And we did. Till it got very late....

Lying in bed, staring at the holes in the ceiling, my head was still dizzy. How was this possible? Was I dreaming? I had found this impossibly beautiful whore in the worst pub in town, got her to come home with me, and then I find out that she sings better than Mother Mary herself?
I sat up and tried to hear her breathing in the small room next to mine that I usually used as a storage closet, but even with the thin walls, I couldn't hear anything. I thought about checking on her, but that might not end well. I didn't think she really trusted me yet. But maybe I should have. Especially with what happened later...

Dancing on a Pinhead (Part One)

2010-12-18T21:14:00.001-08:00

I'll post the second part of this tomorrow if anyone cares...

The Bleeding Hog inn was a dirty run down place. The second you walked in you were assaulted by the stench of stale beer, dirt, and whore perfume. There was always people there though, due to the beer and the whores both being very cheap.
The thing I remember most about that night, other than what I’m about to tell you, was how cold it was outside. Your breath nearly froze in the air, and the wind jabbed any part of you that wasn’t covered up with sharp little needles. Winter was hard for me. No one was really out and about that didn’t need to be and people probably thought I was nuts, but I had to earn a living. The only way I knew how, warm or cold, rain or snow.
I had made enough for a few scraps of food and a beer though. Better than I made on some days, especially during the winter.
Old Carlson was the bartender, a fat man with face full of jowls that shook when he spoke.
“You know the drill Sam, all we got is beer, money up front. Drink it and throw some more money down, or get the Hell out.”
He always looked annoyed, like you were bothering him by giving him business.
“You got beef on the stove tonight?” I asked
“Yeah, but it’s yesterday’s, and It’s cold.”
“I’ll take that and a mug of beer.”
“Five ginns.”
I just barley had enough. The cold beef was gone before I knew it, and I was still hungry. I sighed. If I wanted to hang myself I wouldn’t have the cash to buy a rope…
As I sipped my beer, I surveyed the tavern. Like on most nights, it was full of old men drinking to forget the horrible jobs they trudged too and from everyday, bums like me who had scrounged up a few ginns and were drinking their beers slowly to avoid having to go back out into the cold, and whores in the employ of Old Carlson. The place in general was pretty depressing, but the whores were the worst. All of them were long past their primes, trying to smile as they sat on some old man’s lap and fondled his balls. There was a rumor that Carlson paid them in nothing but room and board, the nasty flea pits you could visit if you had enough cash. Even when I had money, I hadn’t. If I needed to fuck something that bad, I’d find a knothole and grease it up. At least that wouldn’t give me the clap.
There was a new girl there that night. To my surprise, she was young. Not just young, but good looking. Not just good looking, but shockingly good looking. I watched as an old man pulled her down to his lap. They were all the way on the other side of the room and I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but I saw money exchanged. I sighed again. It was something different, but not by much. Some old inn, same old town. I turned back to my beer.
The scream that came almost the instant I turned my back was high pitched and womanly and I was shocked to find that it had come from a man. The old man that had grabbed the young whore, to be exact. He was on the floor holding his nose as blood spurted from between his fingers. From the direction he then turned, it was obvious that the girl had done it.
When he took his hands away to retaliate, I gasped. Even from where I was, in the dim gaslight of the Inn, I could see that his nose was completely ruined.
“YOU FUCKING WHORE! LOOK WHAT YOU DID YOU FUCKING WHORE!”
All of this happened in a very short time, too short for Old Carlson, who was at the tap filling a glass to react. But now he ran as fast as he could to where the altercation was taking place. The rest of the drunks in the tavern had gathered round and he pushed through them like they were nothing. Old man must have been stronger than anyone thought. I grabbed my beer and stood outside the circle.
“WHAT DID I TELL YOU YESTERDAY?” Old Carlson yelled, his jowls quivering in time to his words.
“He…” The girl started.
“HE DID WHAT?”
“He…he put his finger in my…”
“HE HAS A RIGHT DOESN’T HE? HE’S A PAYING CUSTOMER!”
“He didn’t pay enough yet to do that!”
Old Carlson’s face was beat red and he was breathing hard. He looked like he was going to explode and splatter the room with blood and fat. I had never seen him hit one of his girls, but I thought that tonight, we just might get an even better show. But then he calmed down. Or rather, he shoved his boiling rage down into his fat stomach.
“I want you,” He said in a low whisper. “I want you out of here. And if you ever come back, if I ever see your face again, I’ll kill you. NOW GET OUT!”
The girl didn’t say a word, just walked out and the bar patrons went back to their drinks. I just stood for awhile, staring at the spot where the girl had been. Old Carlson got real close to my face, his breath smelled like onions.
“You gonna buy another drink?”
I looked down at my glass. I had spilled it all out onto the floor and hadn’t even noticed.
“I…I guess not.” I muttered.
“Then get the fuck outta here before I throw you out.”
I set my glass down on a table and left in a hurry.

The girl was standing outside the pub, with her arms crossed over her chest. Even though I hadn’t cared much before, now I instantly felt sorry for her. Like I said before, it was below freezing out and she was wearing nothing but her skimpy whore’s outfit and she was already shivering.
“Hi,” I started. “You, uh, got a place to stay tonight?”
She turned to look at me with a motion that was so swift that I took a step back. Her eyes, god her eyes! Even in the dim light from the bar, their piercing green was so intense that I could have sworn that she was looking right through me. When she spoke her voice was sharp.
“You think you’ll get to fuck me is that it? That’s all I am right? A stupid fucking whore that got kicked out of the worst pub in town, so I’m easy pickings right? Fuck you! Get the fuck away from me.”
I started. “No no no, that wasn’t it at all! You just…you just looked cold is all.”
Her face softened and she sighed. “I really don’t have anywhere else to go. Old Carlson…”
“Yeah I know, everyone in town does. I have a separate room you can use. It’s small and not very warm, but at least you won’t have to sleep out in this.”
As if to punctuate my words the wind gave a howl that blew her red hair around her face and she shivered again.
“Okay, but no funny stuff! You saw what happened to that prick in there right? I’m not some weak…”
“Alright, I swear, I’ll keep my hands off.” I put my hands up like someone had pointed a gun at me. She smiled and my heart flopped into my stomach. As we walked the short way to my flat, I wondered what I had gotten myself into. Something about this didn’t seem right…

Christmas Song

2010-12-16T20:31:00.001-08:00

There's a man with a shotgun
In the apartment next door
You don't have to see his face
To know what he's in for
When he it puts it up under his chin
And then falls to the floor
I can't take this Christmas
Anymore

Little Anna knows for sure
That Santa won't come this year
Daddy spent all of their cash
On cigarettes and beer
But if mommy would only come home
It would make her whole year
And so she spends the entire night
Staring at the door
I can't take this Christmas
Anymore

Your home is warm
You have food for all
No one will starve tonight
The wind blows hard at your window pane
On this holiest of nights
You don't think of those
Out in the cold
For them it's just another day
And if they came begging for some food
You'd send them all away
So I sit and I wonder
What is this all for?
And I can't take this Christmas
Anymore

All Year Round

2010-12-15T21:01:00.001-08:00

Halloween is finally here
It's been so long
I wait all year
So stick your Christmas in your ear
I'm going from door to door

I work real hard
To scare those guys
Ignoring all the Christmas lies
The air is full of joyful sounds
As I make my frightful rounds

The air is cold it bites my nose
As I go tramping through the snow
The wind is tearing at my clothes
As I go from door to door

How I wish that you could see
The looks that they give to me
When I ask for Trick or Treat
But they ain't getting rid of me
Till I get what I deserve

My bag is full of candy canes
I'll admit it's kind of lame
Everything else is too stale to eat
But it matters not to me

Just because Halloween's done
Isn't going to ruin my fun
You can have your Christmas tree
Your tinsel and your lights

Give me a crypt that's dark and damp
My werewolves and my living dead
Kids with chainsaws in their heads
Underneath the pale moonlight

While you hear reindeer on your roof
I'm dancing to some eerie tune
With ghosts and goblins in my room
My girlfriend has no head

Santa may be coming for you
But I don't care what you do
Just follow that piper's merry tune
Down the path that you've been lead

And when you finally come around
Lets go marching through the town
And we'll have Halloween all year round
Lets run Christmas into the ground
Long live the living dead!

Kelly's Story

2010-12-14T17:15:00.000-08:00

Depression rips the guts out of you. It steals away your insides along with your will to do anything but sit and stare at it's ugly face. It's a selfish monster and it wants you all to itself. Kelly thought it was good that she was alone. Even if she had had someone over, someone to talk to, it wouldn't have made it any better. That person would either get bored with her rambling on about how empty she felt, or they'd pity her. Either one would have just made things worse.
Not that she had anyone to talk to anyways, not since she had last her job two weeks ago. Not that she had been real good friends with anyone at work anyways, but at least it was some sort of social contact...
The wind howled outside, blowing the fine grained snow around like clouds of dust during a desert sandstorm. Kelly wrapped her thick quilt tighter around herself. She thought about how her even though this shithole apartment wasn't very warm, at least it was something. In another month she might not have the luxury of mild warmth, when her savings ran out. She didn't even have a car....
She settled further down in her recliner and tried to sleep, but it was going to be a long time coming. Her head was pounding, and every time she swallowed, her ears plugged up and she had to sit up and swallow again to clear them. She thought about how she should have gone to the doctor when she started feeling sick last week. No money for that though. Plus she'd have to shower, wash the grease out of her hair, change out of the pajamas she'd been wearing for 4 days straight, and then walk out into the cold until she found a taxi....
That all took effort, effort she didn't want to expend. No, it was better to just sit her with her old friend depression. To let it whisper in her ear, giving her the comforting feeling of being sad and pathetic....
In the dark of the apartment, the TV was a small box of light, sort of comforting in a way. Inside the box an old man was walking around a stage in front of a crowd of people. He was talking about Jesus. Jesus needed money. He held up various objects that you could buy if you wanted Jesus to love you. Porcelain angels, thin looking books of hymns, thrift store prayer beads. The old man's wrinkly face was warm and kind, but his eyes were cold and calculating. Kelly wondered what drove people to send men like this money, to buy into their scams. Probably people lonelier and more pathetic than her. Was that possible?
As the old man led the crowd of people in singing a gospel style version of "Jesus Loves Me" Kelly drifted off to sleep...

Mrs. Ellis was teaching math. That was all Mrs. Ellis taught to Kelly's group. They went down the hall to Mr. Brownstone to learn English and history, and down to the other end to Ms. Bagland to learn science. What year was this? Kelly shifted in her desk and looked at the brown haired boy sitting next to her. She didn't recognize him at all. Mrs. Ellis's voice was an unintelligible drone at the front of the classroom. The boy leaned in close to her and whispered. Kelly noticed with disgust that his teeth were several shades of yellowish brown.
"Death is the way to the seventh planet. The key is on the back of the hallway door...."
With a shock she suddenly realized who the kid was. Ralph Baio. He had fallen off the monkey bars and landed on his head in...6th grade. This was 6th grade, 1996.
And just like that, he was gone. His desk was covered with dark red blood.
Suddenly Kelly was very frightened. This was wrong, this was all wrong...
And suddenly she was on the swing-set in the school yard, the one that they taken down a the year she had started 8th grade, the year they had gotten all new playground equipment. Safer. The older stuff was all rusting metal...
The playground was empty and the sky was slate grey. A soft breeze was blowing and Kelly was sure that if this was reality and not just a dream, she would feel a little chilled.
The girl sitting on the swing next to her was very fat. So fat, in fact that the rubber seat under her looked like it would break at any moment. Kelly recognized her right away. Marie Douvant. Her parents had been very rich and no one in class had liked her much because she was very snotty. She had had a few friends though, ones that didn't mind her constantly bossing them around...
What had happened to her? Kelly hadn't thought of her in years. Moved away after sixth grade? No, that couldn't have been right. She had been around that first year of 7th grade. Even made it into the year book. Where had she gone after that?
Kelly wanted to ask her but, the girl looked so sad. She sat, her eyes closed, head bowed, looking at her expensive, but now very out of style shoes.
Finally after what seemed like forever, she spoke.
"It wasn't my fault." Kelly could just barley make out what she was saying, her voice was a low mumble, "When they took out, it looked so sad. It was so tiny and small and helpless. But it wasn't my fault. I didn't want it there in the first place...."
And then there was darkness, absolute, suffocating. And then there was the softer darkness of the apartment. The TV with a woman on it now, her make-up heavy and thick, almost clown-like. And the wind outside, howling to itself, screaming of pain that only it knew.
Kelly was crying, softly sobbing to herself, tears running down her cheeks. She hadn't cried for a long time. And she couldn't even remember why she was crying now...

And...Back

2010-12-13T22:54:00.001-08:00

I finally decided to get back into Blogging again. Not sure what's going to wind up here, this thing was always weird mess, based on whatever I felt like posting, so I guess I'll continue in that vein. I hope you 16 subscribers like it. And again, I ask: "Where did you all come from?" Are you all spam-bots? Would you tune in on a regular basis if I started posting everyday? I seriously want to know!

Tonight I felt like posting a song list. I love making my own mix lists. Usually I try to think of what I would play if I had my own radio station, so it's a bit of escapist fantasy for me too, as well a result of my general love of sharing music. Hope you guys like it! (All 16 of you!)

1. Frank Black - I Could Stay Here Forever
2. Mono Puff - Devil Went Down to Newport (Totally Rockin')
3. Harry Nilsson - Put the Lime in the Coconut (Thanks to my buddy Justin for reminding me about this one!)
4. The Ramones - Here Today, Gone Tommorow
5. The Chips - Rubber Biscuit
6. The Blues Brothers - Rubber Biscuit (Live)
7. Mindless Self Indulgence - Faggot
8. Tiny Tim (With Brave Combo) - Girl
9. Tiny Tim - Santa Claus has got the AIDS (Best fucking Christmas song ever!)
10. Kate Micucci - Mr. Moon
11. Pop-o-Pies - Fascists Eat Donuts
12. Kool Moe Dee - Monster Crack
13. ???????????????????????
Peace, love, and rat poison to you all!

Hello Everyone!

2010-11-03T16:43:00.001-07:00

Hello to all my new followers! Where did you guys come from? I'm glad you're here though, I'll try and post more!

Ballad of Bitter Henry

2010-11-03T16:02:00.000-07:00

A Parody of Eef Barzelay's Ballad Of Bitter Honey

That was me mopping up that pile of puke
Of some snotty little kid
You only saw me for a couple seconds
But I'm kinda hard to miss
And all the other facualty members
They all look down on me
Just because I have to kneel down
And wipe up their old stale pee

My father drank and beat my ass
Till he died and so to Ohio, I did make my way
I tried to finish my GED, I really wanted to, you see
But all those big words and multiplication tables
Well they really got to me

And all the kids think I’m stupid
I can see it when they look at me
But I know what they'll become
Their future's are clear to see
I was once in their shoes
It's not so far to fall
Someday one of them, will have to clean this hall

And if I push these piles of dirt together
And wax the tiles just so
I can buy pornography
And wood for my winter stove
Everyone should have a clean school
And a sterile place to learn
Don’t hate me 'cuz I want them all to fucking burn
Don’t hate me 'cuz I want them all to fucking burn

Who Gives a Fuck?

2010-10-18T13:22:00.000-07:00

I'm back finally! Did you miss me? Eh, probably not. This is a parody of Alan Jackson's Livin' on Love. I wanted to be as vicious and cynical as possible to counteract the wholesome glurginess of the original song. Enjoy!

Two young people they like to screw
He knocked her up, what will they do?
I guess it all depends on your point of view
But who gives a fuck?

A trailer house, with a screen door
Roaches crawling on the floor
The kids are screaming he can't take anymore
Who gives a fuck?

Who gives a fuck? It's all a big lie
We're all breathin' air, livin' on borrowed time
You're born you grow old and you die
Who gives a fuck?
It's a crock of shit, that's what you're thinkin'
So let's go down to the bar and start drinkin'
And pretty soon we'll both be fucked up
So Who gives a fuck?

Two old people they should be dead
Whens the last time she gave him head?
They just scream at each other instead
Who gives a fuck?
He can't pee anymore
He thinks that she's a goddamn bore
But they'll only live a few years more
So who gives a fuck?

Who gives a fuck? It's all a big lie
We're all breathin' air, livin' on borrowed time
You're born you grow old and you die
Who gives a fuck?
It's a crock of shit, that's what you're thinkin'
So let's go down to the bar and start drinkin'
And pretty soon we'll both be fucked up
So Who gives a fuck?
Yeah, let's drink till we pass out and throw up
Who gives a fuck?

Late Night Playlist - Horror Movie Songs

2010-09-28T20:21:00.000-07:00

Most of these songs are cheesy, but I don't care, I love them anyways.

1. AC/DC - Who Made Who (Maximum Overdrive)
2. J. Geils Band - Fright Night (Fright Night)
3. 45 Grave - Partytime (Return of the Living Dead)
4. The Big O - Monster Mash (Return of the Living Dead Part 2 (Original soundtrack version))
5. Lion - Love is a Lie (Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter)
6. Dokken - Dream Warriors (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors)
7. Rob Zombie - Pussy Liquor (House of 1000 Corpses)
8. Blind Willie Johnson - Dark was the Night, Cold was the Ground (The Devil's Rejects)
9. Emmylou Harris, Alison Krauss, and Gillian Welch - Didn't Leave Nobody but the Baby (Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? (Not a horror movie but this song always creeps me out))
10. Eric Weissberg with Steve Mandel - Dueling Banjos (Deliverance)
11. The Dickies - Killer Klowns from Outer Space (Live) (Killer Klowns from Outer Space)
12. Unknown Artist - The Gonk (Dawn of the Dead (1978))
13. ????????????????????????????

The WORST ads ever made!

2010-09-25T22:10:00.000-07:00

You may have been laughed at those gross and stupid diarrhea ads. You've probably been annoyed by the stupid loud kids in those awful pizza roll commercials. But I bet you haven't seen anything as jaw droppingly awful as these ads by the Massengil Company. Hold onto your hats...

It's not just the fact that they use the word douche *snicker* over and over, there's a weird surreality to these things that probably comes from the fact that nobody ever acts like the people in these ads do, not even in other ads.

Adding to the weirdness is some of the worst 80s clothes and hair ever. All of these spots reek of hair spray and sweater fuzz.

More comfortable slanted design? Why would that matter...oh.

I don't have enough personal experience with how lady parts work, but wouldn't having to clean your crotch with vinegar make you kind of a...skank? Especially when you have to use extra strength stuff? Correct me if I'm wrong.

But Massengil wasn't the only company putting these big balls of awkward on the TV in the 80s, oh no. Check out Summer's Eve:

Not as bad, admittedly. It seems like Massengil were the only ones doing mother/daughter ads. (The vid header says Summer's Eve, but it's not.)

I have no idea how to end this post. How about with a song?

(Sung to the tune of Que Sara Sara)

When I was a teenage girl
I said to my mother please
My crotch it feels gritty
What should I do?
Here's what she said to me:

Douche Sara Sara
Whenever it burns when you pee
The same thing it happens to me
Douche Sara Sara

When I was older I met a boy
Not the cleanest one you see
Now I have crabs
It's driving me mad
But I know just what I need...

Douche Sara Sara
Whatever happens to me
Douche Sara Sara
Now I feel fresh and clean
Douche Sara Sara

Now my children they're all grown
But I still sit them on my knee
I hand them a bottle
With a slanted nozzle
And I tell them tenderly...

Douche Sara Sara
Take some advice from me
Douche Sara Sara
If it burns when you pee!

Confessions of a Lonely Boy #1

2010-09-20T22:13:00.000-07:00

New column! Hooray! Bleck. Here's my intro song.

It's housefly season here in good ole Michigan. They stayed away pretty much all summer, only making their annoying and disgusting presence known on rare occasions where they could easily be killed and disposed of. However, a couple weeks ago their population exploded and I'm about to lose it.
I hate houseflies. I hate them more than just about anything. They're the Hitlers of the insect world. Evil beings bent on driving me insane until I slit my wrists to get their annoying high pitched buzzing out of my head.
I hate the way that they wake me up in the morning by swarming my widow as soon as the sun shows it's face.
I hate the way they die and insist on leaving their bodies all over the floor for me to step on.
I hate that I can't turn a light on anywhere in the house without at least two swarming around it and driving me insane when I all I want to do is read.
I hate that I can't watch a movie without them rudely walking across the screen.
And I hate the fact that no matter how much I vacuum them up, live or dead, there's always more and they never go away. And just a casual reading of Wikipedia brings up why there's so many: "Each female fly can lay approximately 500 eggs in several batches of about 75 to 150." Jesus. That's a lot of damn flies. Even if you count the number that get eaten by birds, frogs, fish, and spiders that's still a lot of flies. You could kill them all day and they'd still be around, waiting to puke on your food when you're not looking or to at least walk on it with their shit covered feet. And yes, they do eat by puking up stomach acid and primarily eat shit and rotting garbage. Think about that next time you see one. And then smash the little fucker for me.

But anyways, I think the reason that I hate them the most is that they remind me of my own mortality. Their lives are just as dull and pointless as my life. They're born, they eat garbage, they mature and eat shit and more garbage, they fuck, procreate, and die. That's if they survive to do those things. And so what if they do? Their only purpose is to continue the species and provide food for other larger creatures. Humans may be smarter than all the other animals but we're still animals, nature still doesn't give a fuck about us. It's still a scrabble to survive, one that can be cut short whenever fate feels like it. It's just as much a crock of shit for us as it is for leeches and hag fish and bedbugs. I don't like to be reminded of it constantly.
So they're lying there with their little black bodies dead on the windowsill when I'm trying to make some food, or their pointlessly buzzing around my light when I'm trying to get into some book to escape my pointless dull life and their buzzing is a constant reminder of my own unavoidable death and it depresses me and makes me feel dirty at the same time. Plus they insist on dive bombing me like they really do hate me. You ever have one stuck in your hair and you can't get it out? Angrily buzzing as it tangles it self more and more and you just want to fucking die?
God I hate houseflies. At least my cat eats them. When he can catch them. And when he feels like it.

And no, I didn't miss the irony of them crawling around on the screen as I tried to watch The Fly tonight. Just in case you were wondering.

Mood: Annoyed
Current Fantasy Girl: Asia Argento
Current Song I Would Play for my Friends (If I Had Any): Butthole Surfers - Sweat Loaf

Early Morning Ramblings

2010-09-20T01:15:00.000-07:00

I think I've been able to figure out where my attraction to red heads comes from:

Even though it's not a kid's movie, I distinctly remember watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit quite a few times as a kid. I remember the shoe getting dropped in the bucket of dip (one of the most disturbing things I can recall watching) and the ending when Judge Doom reveals that he's a toon and he starts shrieking.
I think I need to re watch it...

And here's a bar scene from another movie that I watched quite a bit when I was a kid:

The Great Mouse Detective is friggin' awesome, probably my favorite Disney movie. I think it's kind of over looked too, more people should see it. I mean, Vincent Price is a giant evil rat! And he sings! How could you not want to watch it?

Oh and how about this (from another underrated movie):

It's really kind of amazing to think that stuff like this would never fly now. I thought I was sheltered as a kid, but I think it's so much worse now. Or maybe with shows like Ren and Stimpy and Rocko's Modern Life I just had it too good. Sometimes I can't believe I miss the 90s, it's really pathetic.

So what train of thought brought this on? Well, I was reading today about how one of my favorite books, Fun Home by Alison Bechdel being banned from libraries, particularly in Utah, for it's frank sexual content. Not worse than you find in most books really but because Fun Home is presented in comic form (I hate the term "graphic novel") it was felt that kids could see it and be ruined forever by a few panels of nudity and lesbian sex. I think it's more homophobia than anything, mixed with the still lingering shreds of "comics are for kids" bullshit. Which, if the people complaining had actually bothered to read Fun Home would find that it's an incredible work of literature as well as a shockingly personal work of art. But it's been branded pornography, which really pisses me off. Sigh.

What else have I been reading? Well, It Rhymes With Lust, considered by many to be the first "graphic novel". (The cover calls it a picture novel.) Printed in 1950 but quickly sunk without it's publisher bothering to market it, it was re-printed a few years ago by Dark Horse. Is it worth a read? Well the writing is pure pulp, and I love that stuff but some people might be turned off by the flowery dialouge or the over dramatic plot, which I just funny. The real reason to check it out is Matt Baker's incredible black and white artwork. Baker was one of the few sucessful African American artists working in comics at the time and he drew females better than just about anyone during that period. (And after the comic's code, no one was drawing females like that at all!)
I've got Will Eisner's A Contract With God coming in the mail, which should be an interesing read.
I was trying to think last night what my favorite comics were (excluding webcomics) and I came up with a short list:

1. The Preacher Series by Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon
2. Fun Home by Alison Bechdel
3. Kraven's Last Hunt by J.M. DeMatteis and Mike Zeck
4. Yes, Alan Moore's Watchmen. Sigh. Is it cliche to put it here? Oh well, despite over exposure, it's still an awesome book.
5. Johnny the Homocidal Maniac by Johnen Vasquez
6. I Feel Sick by Johnen Vasquez
7. Milk and Cheese by Evan Dorkin (Seriously, if you haven't read any M and C comics yet, go check them out NOW!)
8. Frank Miller's Sin City
9. The Long Hallowen by Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale
10. The Killing Joke by Alan Moore

Too chliched? Eh, I'm working on it. I'm not too big on superhero comics, although I do love Batman and Kraven's Last Hunt (a Spiderman story) is friggin' incredible. I need some good recomendations though, if you guys have any.

As for webcomics I did recently discover Everydaycute which I like way more than I should. Despite my addiction to grisley horror movies and comics I still harbor a sickening love of the cute. I openly admit it, I am not proud.

But anyways, I am about to fall asleep at my keyboard. So goodnight to anyone that happens to be reading.

What I'm Obsessed with Lately: Ancient Fast Food Ads

2010-09-12T22:27:00.000-07:00

Before they got their asses sued off by Sid and Marty Krofft (look them up), McDonald's decided the best way to get kids to eat their food would be to create a fantasy land lorded over by several slightly creepy, but mostly retarded characters. None of which were rip-offs of a certain popular TV series. Not at all...

You know what most whimsical children's fantasy lands are really missing? Horrible tasting fast food! And evil four armed retarded whatsits.

Grimace was later changed into a good guy, of course. How? I'm guessing lobotomy, but then his level of super retardeness was toned down as well. Maybe they managed to cut out just the right part of his brain.

McDonald-land had two politicians who had head's made out of cheeseburgers. I wonder if any kids got kicked out for taking bites out of them? And no, I'm not following a creepy pedophile clown anywhere. Not even during a bad acid trip...

Another thing I've noticed with these ads is that there's never any parents present. Where did they go? The answer is simple: Ronald killed them. And he wears their skin at night when no one's around, dancing around the retarded trees under the full moon.

Here's how this ad would go if I were writing it:
Captain Crook: "How about a cheeseburger for me?"
Ronald: "Fuck you captain crook, you still owe me 50 bucks from last week's "how long can the hooker stay alive under water" bet.
Captain Crook: "Arrrr, that's me wife you're talking about..."

Captain Crook would later become The Hamburglar. By wearing his skin.

Here's some more stupid shit that only five year olds would laugh at! Eat our food until you puke!

Why is every character in McDonald-land retarded? The fucking bird can't even fly straight!
Hey, I've got an idea of how you can wake up Ronald: Shit on his face!
I'm a terrible person...

Lets get away from McDonald's for now and visit a place I would actually consider eating at:

Actually, I meant KFC, not the doddering old colonel's house. It probably smells like chicken grease and pee. Uck, I wouldn't lick my fingers. Not after touching anything in that place...

Colonel Sanders never looks quite right to me in these ads. His eyes are too small and close together and he can't even talk like a normal human being. What the fuck is "egg warsh?"
And he's a terrible dancer:

It might be so nice to feel good about a meal, but I'm guessing the Colonel probably couldn't feel much below the waist at that point...

Hey, you know who's a great dancer? MC Hammer!

*snicker* not really. And he couldn't rap worth a darn either.
And is this commercial slightly racist? Not really, because Hammer also shilled out for Taco Bell:

Also please note: never in the history of time outside of the early 90s were the hairstyles and fashions present in the above two ads allowable. Unless you're a hipster. And then you'd still look like a tool.

But lets get back to the 70s...

The narrator says "Colonel Sanders and his boys" despite the fact that the person that hands the old man the bucket is apparently a woman.
You will eat KFC or "The Colonel and his boys" will break every bone in your bodies. Dig?

Oh and remember how I said before that The Colonel had a hard time with a simple thing like talking? Well, check this out:

And he's not even drunk like Orson Welles!

Here's an ad that openly admits that eating fried chicken will make you fat:

Oh those wacky Australians with their fast food eating horses and sheep and their morbidly obese food addicted children! And I bet you thought all they had down there were toxic octopi and snails, Paul Hogan, and Vegemite sandwiches. Well,you were wrong!

Alright, lets finish this post with Willard Scott, who wants to sell you dolls in his likeness that he wants you to touch, possibly in inappropriate places:

Lets fast forward and check in with Willard now, shall we?

And I'm done. Alright, one more. Check out this ad for the first happy meal:

"Your kids will love them!" Or, more likely, "Sad 30 somethings who live in their parent's basements will love them! And collect every toy! And never ever get laid!"
I'm just kidding, I love all nerds. I kid because I love. Just don't come too close to me because you smell like ham.

Monsters in the Night

2010-09-08T02:00:00.000-07:00

"When I was little I used to be scared
Of being alone at night.
I'd pull the blankets up over my head
And pray that the sky would get light...

But then my mommy sat by my bed
And said there was nothing to fear,
'Cause nothing scary went on in the night
And she and my daddy were near..."
-From The Sesame Street Library volume 2

1.
They're coming for me
I can hear them scratching at the baseboards
Like little mice, but with long sharp nails
Trying to get out
Trying to get into our world
Trying to get at me
What will the do when they find me?
What do they want?
The scratching is in my head
It rings in my ears
It makes my eyes water
I can't sleep
All I can do is lie here in the dark
Covering my ears
Scratching lines down my face
Silently screaming so I don't wake the neighbors
But I can't make it stop
I can't make them go away...

2.
When I was six there was a monster in my closet
He was a large man with long scraggly hair
He was always covered in blood
And sometimes he would have a knife
Or a baseball bat
I told my daddy about the monster
But he said I was being stupid
And he laughed
He laughed at me
But he wasn't laughing when he opened the closet
It's hard to laugh when your brains are all over the floor
I started laughing then
And I've never stopped...

3.
My daddy is hurting my mommy
My mommy is crying
There is a loud noise
Like someone slamming a door
I don't hear mommy anymore
But I can hear daddy breathing
It's so loud
Even though he's in the other room
Now the door is open
Daddy is there
He looks at me
His eyes are too wide
And he's sweating really badly
Now he closes the door and walks away
I can hear the front door slam
I pull the covers up over my head
And try to sleep
Try to concentrate on the traffic outside
Instead of the awful quiet
But I don't think I'll ever sleep again...

Chick Comix

2010-09-06T21:21:00.001-07:00

Stuff That I Dig

2010-09-05T18:25:00.000-07:00

Sort of a take off on this Deviant Art post by Tv's Kyle. A list of stuff that I turn to when I need inspiration.

25. Jerry Lee Lewis (The killer)
24. Early Peter Jackson
23. Leadbelly
22. Bill Hicks
21. The Simpsons
20. SCTV
19. Pixies
18. Kate Beaton
17. The Pogues
16. Dumm Comics
15. Stephen King
14. H.P. Lovecraft
13. Space
12. Really bad cheap B-movies
11. Gary Larson
10. Mystery Science Theater 3000
9. That Guy With the Glasses.com
8. The Spoony Experiment
7. Jan Svankmejer
6. Georges Melies
5. Tiny Tim
4. Daniel Johnston
3. The Beatles
2. The Ramones
1. Nirvana

Now make your own list!

Night Train to Yucca Flats

2010-09-03T21:25:00.001-07:00

I hate you Coleman Francis
I'm glad that you are dead
Because your movies make it feel like
I've got a hole drilled in my head
And my brains are spilled all over the floor
I don't want to watch them anymore

Yucca Flats had Tor Johnson
Chasing kids with a stick
But your murky cinematography
Really made me feel sick
At least I would have been
If I wasn't asleep
Where did you learn to pace your films
You no talent worthless creep?

Red Zone Cuba has no Tor
You cast yourself in his place
I had to spend almost two hours
Staring at your ugly face
Two hours of nothing
A dreary sludgy mess
But John Carradine's singing
Was okay I guess

Where did you learn to edit?
Where did you learn to write?
Why do your scenes switch constantly
From night to day to night?
Why do you hate your audience?
And make them suffer pain?
What the Hell was wrong with you?
Was it something in your brain?

I hate you Coleman Francis
I'm glad that you are dead
Because your movies make it feel like
I've got a hole drilled in my head
And my brains are spilled all over the floor
I don't want to watch your movies anymore

I don't want to watch
I don't want to see
I don't want to watch
I don't want to see
But I still haven't seen Skydivers
Lord have mercy on me!

And Now for Something Completely Different...

2010-08-31T20:05:00.000-07:00

Happy Laughing Fun

2010-08-25T21:23:00.000-07:00

I'm so happy I could throw up
All over the place
Happy laughing fun
Happy laughing fun
I'm so happy I could throw up
Right in your face
Happy laughing fun
All over the place

Oh, all I want to do
Is take some time
And dance with you, oh
So stay for awhile
Cause seeing your face
Just makes me smile
Happy laughing fun
All the while

I'm sad that I could throw up
All over the place
No more laughing fun
I'm sad that I could throw up
In your pretty face
No more laughing fun
All over the place

Oh, when I saw you
Walking out with some guy you knew
All I want to do
Is take a knife
And put it into you
To make you feel the pain
This burning feeling in my brain
I can make it go away!
I can make it go away!
Happy laughing fun
All over the place

I'm so happy
I'm so happy
Happy happy happy
Happy happy happy
Happy laughing fun
Happy laughing fun
All of the time

Late Night Songlist (Metallica is Overrated Edition)

2010-08-22T20:45:00.000-07:00

This list is composed of all the original versions of songs Metallica covered on their Garage Inc. album. And by "covered" I mean "turned into a bunch of sludge that all sounded exactly the same." It is, however, an interesting mix of heavy metal and punk and some other junk that makes for a pretty good playlist. This is going to be quite long, so bare with me. Or not.

Disc 1:
1. Discharge - Free Speech for the Dumb
2. Diamond Head - It's Electric
3. Black Sabbath - Sabbra Cadabra (Metallica's version includes a chunk of A National Acrobat)
4. Bob Seger - Turn the Page
5. The Misfits - Die, Die My Darling
6. Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - Loverman
7. Mercyful Fate Medley:
*Satan's Fall (Part 1) (Part 2)
*Curse of the Pharaohs
*A Corpse Without Soul
*Into the Coven
*Evil
8. Blue Öyster Cult - Astronomy
9. Whiskey in the Jar
*Thin Lizzy's Version (The version Metallica is covering)
*The also pretty great Dubliners version
10. Lynyrd Skynyrd - Tuesday's Gone
11. Discharge - The More I See (The Metallica version also includes a short chunk of Bridge of Sighs by Robin Trower)

Disc 2:
1. Diamond Head - Helpless
2. Holocaust - The Small Hours
3. Killing Joke - The Wait
4. Budgie - Crash Course in Brain Surgery
5. *Misfits - Last Caress
*Misfits - Green Hell
(Also contains a mocking parody of Iron Maiden's Run to the Hills. Maiden responded with a rant at the end of a cover of Space Station No. 5 by Montrose. (Part one) (Part two)(The original Montrose version)
6. Diamond Head - Am I Evil?
7. Blitzkrieg - Blitzkrieg
8. Budgie - Breadfan
9. Diamond Head - The Prince
10. Queen - Stone Cold Crazy
11. Anti-Nowhere League - So What?
12. Sweet Savage - Killing Time
13. Motorhead - Overkill
14. Motorhead - Damage Case
15. Motorhead - Stone Dead Forever
16. Motorhead - Too Late Too Late

Sorry this ended up being so long. If all this metal and punk has been too much for your brain, please have some Yanni and my apologies.

Kurdt Reads Chick Tracts - The Warning

2010-08-18T20:47:00.000-07:00

All comics stolen from Jack Chick's home on the web.

Danger! High Voltage!

All comics should start with a horrible car crash. It'd make Ziggy a heck of a lot more interesting anyways...

So to teach your grandkid a lesson you took him a grisly car wreck? Methinks that grandpa is going to get put in a home soon...

Umm, no. It's not that he didn't believe in warning signs, it's that he chose to ignore one. There is a difference. And a stop sign isn't a warning sign anyways, it's a command sign. Legally, you don't have a choice whether you want to stop or not.
Am I the only one getting Troll 2 flashbacks with Grandpa Seth there?

Grandpa kept that barbed wire in that drawer along with his lawn darts and autographed Charles Manson photo...

Someone found a new swimming hole? Hooray! Man, I would not want to live in a town where that's a huge thing. Also, that pig looks stoned.

Gah! What the Hell is wrong with that kid's face? I suppose it's a pretty good representation of a backwoods hick...no, it's just an awful drawing. This page is also very funny if you change the first dialogue balloon to "I gots some sexy chickens that we's can fuck."
Please also note the appearance of Fang the Dog. He's a reoccurring character in Chick Tracts, for some odd reason.

I'm having Children of the Corn flashbacks! A Chick Tract devoted to He Who Walks Behind the Rows would be pretty awesome, actually.
But wait, they said "Nobody lives out here anymore." That means that someone did live out there, thus someone had to now about the swimming hole. How the heck could they have just found it? And it wouldn't exactly be new either. I'm thinking too hard about this...

Well at least that first panel is accurate. Every "No Trespassing" sign that I've ever seen has at least two bullet holes in it.
Also, this is a pretty good set up for a horror movie.

"Hey guys, I'm stuck!" "Too Bad!" Typical Jack Chick dialogue and characterization. People who do bad things really don't give a crap what happens to fellow members of the human race in Chick's world.
Oh and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xA5HbqgCIUE

I guess BP owns this land. Either that or this is the nastiest stagnant water on the face of the earth.
"Wow, look at that!" It's water! Hooray!
And nice job putting the "No Swimming" sign on ONE SIDE OF THE POND! It also kind of negates the whole message of ignoring signs that Chick is trying to put forth.

Snake! Snake! Oooh, it's a snake! Sorry, I had to do it.
Damn oil snakes, they're the worst!
This page is out of order, it should be after the next one. Maybe it's a mistake or maybe Chick just doesn't know how to plan a story out. I'm guessing the latter.

From the look on his face, he already came. Heh heh. Sorry, that was terrible.
I know that he wouldn't (and probably shouldn't) have them swimming naked, but he could have at least given them shorts. Swimming in long underwear would suck so very very bad.

I love this panel. The kid yelling "Stay away! It's full of SNAKES!" Combined with Tommy's sweat strewned "guh?" face, makes me laugh every time.
This is also a good time to bring up the question of "Are there really ponds out there full of poisonous snakes ready to kill stupid kids that decide to go swimming?" And if so, why wouldn't the people who own the land do something about it? True, this is supposed to be abandoned property, but then who put up the signs? Why didn't Chick just make it about kids messing around in a rock pile somewhere, you know, WHERE SNAKES ACTUALLY CONGREGATE?

This preacher is an asshole. "Yup, these three boys died an awful, tragic, and very painful death, lets change the subject to something only marginally related, shall we?"

Actually no, it wasn't Satan that was planning to destroy Adam and Eve, it was God. God was the one who put the tree there and told them not to touch it, knowing full well that they would since he's FREAKING GOD! He's omnipitent so he would also have to know about Satan, who he would also have to have created. Where else would he have come from and why would God let him stay in the garden? The Old Testament makes no sense until you realize that God is an evil character that only wants pain and suffering for his creations. Because he loves them.
And it says "Eve would become like God" not "a god" since there was only one. Get your scripture right Chick!

God is supposed to be all powerful, if he wanted to he could reverse what happened and fix his fuck up. He didn't want to. Everything is according to his plan and will, all the wars and pestilence and disease are his fault. Those souls that are burning in Hell are burning because he wants them there. God and satan are one and humanity is doomed. There, it's simple. I should make my own tracts. I think I'd be able to draw better than Chick anyways...
In my head that preacher comes floating in from the right side of the panel. It must be cold in the inky black void he lives in.

This page also needs a soundtrack: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vgQalXaIxs
This kid is more choked up about what this preacher is saying then having seen his friends get murdered by snakes. Thats kind of fucked up.

This is the point in every Chick Tract where you go "Alright, we've had our fun laughing at the awful art work, the bullshit contrived plots, and insane Christian conservative beliefs, is this thing over yet?" No, no it's not.
That preacher reminds me of someone, I just can't put my finger on it. Anyone see any resemblences?

Umm, preacher? I thought this was a funeral service? You know, the very tragic death of three young boys? Remember? Oh well, they were back woods trash anyways.
Tommy: "I thought Jesus died for our sins? Doesn't that mean I can sin all I want and just pray for forgivness right after?"
Preacher: "Shut up Tommy or I'll make you stay late with Preacher Mike and his Roman fingers..."

It's a good thing that they suddenly rememberd they had a funeral to finish.
That kid's face is really messed up in that second panel. I guess the joy of loving Jesus disfigured him.
And if your heart is really dirty, I'd suggest seeing a doctor pretty damn quick. People die from that sort of thing you know.

So, from this one story that his senile old grandpa told him, the little boy was conned into giving all his allowance money to the church and spent many happy hours with the rev in his back office, until the police put a stop to it. Is that the end yet? Nope.

Blah blah blah blah blah....THE END!

Alright, so if you want me to do another one of these, please say so in the comments section. Or if I've gravly offended you and you want to rip my heart out and stomp on it, or if you have any suggestions or critisims at all, please comment. I need your comments more than water or air!

I'll leave you with this song, which should be the theme for every Chick Tract ever: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tb6jjEApfmg

Thomas Kinkade's Cavalcade of Whimsy

2010-08-17T02:57:00.000-07:00

We open on a montage of Thomas Kinkade's paintings, with Kenny G's Songbird as the musical opening theme. We settle on a painting of a cabin as the music fades away. The title reads Thomas Kinkade's Cavalcade of Whimsy in soft white letters. We then fade out and in to a portly man sitting on a living room couch, surrounded by Kinkaid paintings. He has a poofy moustache and he is smiling a bit too wide. His beady eyes reveal a not all together pleasant sense of the man that lives behind them.
Man (with a thick southern accent): Hey y'all and welcome to my show! Who am I? I am just the goddamn best selling painter in the the whole fucking world! Thomas Mother Fucker Kinkaide.
He slaps both his knees and chuckles
And Don't you forget it!
He points menacingly at the camera and then smiles again.
Kinkade: Today We're going to have a lot of fun and you're going to buy a lot of my merchandise! But first, I have some business to take care of.
He pulls a Picasso and a Rembrandt from behind the couch.

K (Shouting): These bastards think their better than me. Don't you, you stupid sons a bitches? Well I got news for you Mergatroide, I am the best painter that ever lived. No one comes into my house and tries to steal my crown! Take this!
He then proceeds to stomp up and down the paintings before unzipping his fly.
K (Peeing): Oh yeah, how do you like that?
He finishes and zips up his fly.
K: (Looking at the camera again): I paid 2 million for those paintings and it was worth every penny! But now I've got something really special to show you folks at home!
He walks into his kitchen and sits down at the table. He picks up a knife that has a painting of his on the handle.
K: Now, I've got a little contest for you people at home. And all of you should be watching. Uncle Kinky wants you to find anyone that isn't watching this show right now and stab them in the face with a soldering iron. You will get Kinkaide points when you get to heaven. Now then! What was I talking about?
He looks puzzled for a bit and then looks down at the knife and jumps a bit in his chair.
K: Oh, okay! I remembers now! My contest! (Chuckles). This summer I'm coming to one of your houses. You won't know what time it is or what day I'm just gonna show up! And if you don't have any of my merchandise prominently on display, (Gets a serious look on his face) I'm going to kill you and your whole fucking family!
He laughs again and swings the knife around his head.
K: Now, I've got some products that you sure a shit are gonna buy. (Lower voice almost a growl) Don't get me angry. (Happy again)
K: You're about to get a peek into my super secret workshop! (Low voice) But remember, it's a secret! (Yells) SO DON'T TELL ANYONE!
We fade out and back into a basement room. There's rows and rows of artists sitting at easles, chained to the floor. They're painting bright landscapes and whimsical cabins. They look dirty and malnourished.
K: This is my secret workshop! This is where alllllllll the magic happens! Lets chat a bit with one of my helpers, shall we?
He swings his arm wide at the camera and then walks over to one of the artists, and puts his hand on his shoulder.
Artist: (Jumps) Oh, oh, uh, Mr. Kinkaid sir, I'm um almost finished with...
K: Why is this not done yet?
A: I'm, I'm working as fast as I can. I need food, I don't' have any energy to fin...oh God, I'm gonna die here! (Sobs)
Kinkaid frowns and looks mad. He scans the picture for a long time.
K: (Grabbing the easel.) This is crap! Pure trash! And you know what we do with trash?
A: N-n-no Mr. Kinkaid, sir!
K: We live in the trash we create!
He slams the painting on the artists head, who falls off the chair and lies still on the dirty floor. Kinkaide approaches another artist.
K: Lets see what we have here....hmmm.
Artist: It's...It's not finished yet Mr. Kinkaide, sir.
Kinkaide grabs the painting and stares at it. He shrugs his shoulders.
K: Eh, good enough.
He throws the painting into a huge pile of easels in the middle of the room.
K: (Yelling) BOSTWICK!
A very malnourished looking man in a business suit comes shuffling in as fast he can. He looks like a younger Mr. Burns and he talks like Peter Lorre.
Bostwick: Yes, sir, what is your wish today?
K: (Points) Take those down to the lab and have them made into steins and shower curtains.
B: Yes, master (Shuffles away and comes back with a large wheelbarrow. He starts loading the paintings in, in the back ground. As Kinkaide address the camera.
K: Now that you've seen the wonders of my shop, lets look at some products!
Artist: (In the background) Ummmm, can I have some food now?
K: (Angrily) No, not till you give me some quality work! Don't make me get my whimsical cane!
We fade out and back in on the living room. Those several objects on the table.
K: Now there's several objects that I want you to buy. (Mad) And you will buy them. (Growls) (Happy again) The first piece is this beautiful porcelain dildo. Look at that, isn't that lovely?
The shaft of the dildo has a Kinkaid landscape on it, the head is a whimsical cabin.
K: And it vibrates! (Chuckles) For when you've got an itch that only Kinkaide can scratch.
He puts the vibrator on the table and picks up a brightly painted S&M mask.
K: Now this is for when your kids are bad! Ya just put it on their head, shut the zipper and lock it with my trademarked Kinkaide padlock, Like this. And your child will learn his place while also learning about the world of art! See, it even has a painting on the inside!
He turns it inside out, there is. He picks up another objects, it looks almost like a flashlight but it has a strange looking end.
K: Now this here is the pride and joy of Kinkaide labs. I call it the, whimsicator! Now to really test this baby out, we need to go out on the town and find a someone to test drive it for us! Lets go!
We fade out to Kinkaide lurking in the bushes watching a shirtless sweaty man pushing a lawn mower. He jumps out of the bushes at the man.
K: (Yelling) HEY DUDE, IT'S THE BIG K AND IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAY!
Man: OH SHIT, OH DEAR SWEET JESUS, MY HEART!
K: (Chuckles) You're on the Cavalcade of Whimsy dude! And you're going to test drive one of my fine products!
Man: I am?
K: Of course you are! And if you don't I'll tell your wife about that little thing you've got going with your daughters slutty friend. You know, the one that wears the pigtails all the time...
Man: (Scared) I'll do anything you say! Please for the love of god...
K: (Pats him on the back) Of course you will. (Turns to the camera) Now for the folks at home, here's how you use the Whimsicator!
He points it at the lawnmower and flips a switch. The top opens and shoots a beam of pastel light. It hits the lawnmower and suddenly it's made of porcelain and has a lightly colored forest painted on it.
Man (Forcing a smile): That's um...that's great! (Laughs nervously) Um, is this thing still gonna work?
K: No way in Heck! But now it's a collectors item! And watch this!
He points the thing at the guy's house which transforms into a whimsical cabin. Kinkaide laughs and runs around laughing turning the trees into cookie cutter chocolate box art.
Man: (With his jaw wide open) Oh my sweet Jesus!
K: And it works on people too!
He points the beam at the man and hits the button. Suddenly the man is wearing leiderhosen, wooden shoes, and a funny German hat. Kinkaide looks down at the thing.
K: (Puzzled) Ah shit, I've got this thing stuck on Hummel!
He starts hitting the bottom of the thing and it shoots a beam of light into the sky, which transforms into pastel blues and oranges and reds.
K: (Scared) Oh shit, better jet!
As he runs off back onto the bushes the man takes a peek down his pants.
Man: (In a thick Swedish accent) Vhere did mah genitals go?
We fade back into the living room, Kinkaide is sitting on the couch, the knife is still in his hand.
K: That's all for today folks, and remember, buy my art, or I'll fucking kill you!
He starts waving the knife around and slices the side of his neck open. He rubs some blood on this fingers as it runs down his neck and soaks into his shirt.
K: Ah crud, accidents happen. Too bad I can't use this for my paintings, it's too bright! But I do use a whole lot of urine!
He points the knife at the camera.
K: Okay Teddy, shut that thing off. (Angrily) I said shut it off!
Teddy: (From behind the camera) (Scared) I can't uncle T!
K: (Getting up and advancing towards the camera with the knife) Why you incompetent...
We hear a scream and the camera gets knocked over. We can see Kinkaide chasing around a teenager with long hair, who is screaming his head off.
K: Get back here, so I can carve a whimsical cabin on your back!
We fade away to the same montage of paintings and Kenny G.

31 Posts in 31 Days - Day #2

2010-08-15T22:57:00.000-07:00

Pinch

I used to hate going over to my grandmother's house. For one thing, it always smelled really bad; stale dirt, and mothballs, and cat shit. For another, I was kind of scared of my grandmother. She was always telling me these weird stories about when she was a little girl, growing up on a farm in South Dakota. Stories about cows that were born all messed up, and her older sister that had some weird deformity and died when she was sixteen. She would point at me with her bony old finger and tell me how good I had it, not having to get up at dawn to milk cows. I had no real chores to do, no real problems. She was right of course, but when you're five years old, that stuff sinks into your head. I lay awake at night thinking about the cow that was born with a beak, and how I was going to grow up to be a bum like grandma said I was. I could see myself in tattered clothes with a long beard, walking down the road looking for something to eat.
Those stories were bad but the worst was when I would sleep over and she would tell me a story that her mother had told her, and her mother before that, all the way back to some very distant past. It was the story of Mr. Pinch, and it gave me nightmares up till I hit puberty....

Kids do bad things either because they don't know any better, or because of some desire, some thing that they want more than anything. Sometimes adults forget that to a kid even small things seem very very important. Generally, however, good parents don't like when kid's do bad things. It makes them feel like they haven't been doing their job right. So when little Billy gets into the jam jar for the fifth time after being told not to, even after being beaten severly, and actually dropping the jar and breaking it the last time, Billy's parents are at the end of their ropes. That's when they would call Mr. Pinch.
Mr. Pinch was a wrinkley brown troll about the size of a large cat. Instead of hands, he had two fingers like lobster claws, whith long sharp nails on the end of each one. When you were really bad your parents would say the secret magic words and, while you were sleeping, Mr. Pinch would steal you away in a burlap sack and take you to his secret lair, far far underground. You'd be strung up by your feet from the roof and Mr. Pinch would take his long nails and pinch you until you screamed that you promised to be a good little boy or girl from then on. And then, maybe, he'd let you go home. Otherwise you'd stay in his lair and eat nothing but worms for the rest of your life. He had a pit full of very bad children that would never grow up and could never leave.
It sounds silly, but like I said, when you're little, everything seems like a big deal. Everything seems like it could be real.
I saw Mr. Pinch many times in my nightmares. I would getting a can of peaches from the basement and he'd be there, his tiny red eyes staring at me from the under the stairs. I'd scream that I was good boy but he'd still come, snapping his fingers at me. Then I'd wake up crying. He showed up a lot in my early drawings; a perfect representation of my worst childhood fears: abandonment, hunger, pain, and never being able to go home ever again.
But you know what? All of those fears become realized when you grow up and have to live on your own, so Mr. Pinch is in a way, very very real.
And I still hate the fucker.

31 Posts in 31 Days - Day #1

2010-08-14T23:51:00.000-07:00

Scarlet

Scarlet is the color of my true love's hair
And also of her blood
A deep red puddle that never seems to go away...

When they came to take her away, I was there
I saw the lights
I heard the screams
I saw her skin melt off
Like ice cream in the sun
Dripping onto the ground
Before it vanished
I could see everything she was made of
Bones, muscles, organs, blood
As she fell apart
And faded away
What did I feel that night?
Standing there in the field by grandpa's woods?
I don't think I cried
I loved her
But I don't think I cried
I was sad, but this was inevitable wasn't it?
The grey ones had told me she would be taken
Told me so I could steel myself
And get her out of my heart
I did love her
I really did
Scarlett
Probably named after her deep red hair
She was beautiful
But at the end, I saw what she was really made of
Beauty really is only skin deep
Inside we're ugly
Outer beauty is a sack to hold organs and flesh
I don't love her anymore
I don't love her anymore
But what I can't get out of my head
Is her eyes
Deep green
One of the last things to go
Staring at me
Imploring
Screaming where her vocal cords could not
But I am doing good things for the grey ones
They assure me that I will be rewarded
My place among the great ones is certain

The Adventures of Cox Hunter

2010-08-11T21:50:00.000-07:00

Please do not read the following story if you are easily offended. Please?

When Cox woke up that morning, he knew it was going to be a bad day. He knew it because the first thing that happened was that the afternoon sun burned his eyes. The second thing was that his stomach lurched and he had to run for the bathroom to keep from puking in his bed. He didn't make it and ended up splattering reddish-brown stomach bile and beer all over the hallway. He groaned and leaned against the wall, surveying the damage. Mom was not going to be happy. Not that she ever was...
After throwing a bunch of paper towels on the unholy mess he had made, Cox Hunter, 25 years of age and wearing nothing but a pair of worn out boxer-briefs, finally set out to start his day off right. He scratched his ass and dug through the cupboards for some cereal that he hadn't consumed yet. Way in the back behind an ancient can of creamed corn, was a just as ancient box of Fiber-bran. He looked at the box for a full thirty seconds, as if actually trying to decide on the inevitable. This was the only food in the house, and big Cox had to eat.
Pulling a bowl from the cupboard, the last one since he hadn't done the dishes in what was probably going on a good month, he dumped the last powdery bits of stale cereal out and then dug in the mostly empty fridge for something to pour on it. There was no milk because he distinctly remembered drinking it all the day before. I'll have to get on Mom about buying some food, he thought. But then he remembered her screaming at him for not contributing anything or doing any chores the last time he had brought food up. It was better to just keep quiet and play video games all day. That was how you stayed in someone's house. If they never saw you, they couldn't kick you out. Of course, there was the high school keggers and beer parties he was addicted to that kept getting him into trouble...
The only thing in the fridge to drink was an opened can of Fresca, which turned out to be half empty. He shrugged to no one and poured it into the bowl. Taking a bite, he gagged and pounded the counter top in agony. Then he spit the mouthful of cereal and soda into the sink and frowned at the bowl. Then he shrugged again and shuffled off into the living room. He'd find some actual food later. Right now he had a more pressing issue at hand...

Cox Hunter's penis was very small. So small in fact that jacking off was very hard to do since his gut was so big. But if he sucked in just slightly and grabbed it with both hands and thought hard enough, he could get an erection that he could hold onto and stroke. The problem was finding something good to get him off. He wasn't allowed in the computer room anymore since he had almost ruined mom's PC by downloading some farm porn that had a rather nasty Trojan virus on it. Now she locked the door and all his riffling through her room didn't help find it.
He lay back in the easy chair, thinking as it squealed alarmingly under his girth. He didn't have any porn lying around since he has sold it all to his buddy Keith for weed money. He did have his old high school year books, but he had jacked off to the half way decent pictures too much. Finding himself with no other options, he turned on MTV.
What luck! It was some dumb show about stupid rich girls. But they were hot! His penis became slightly engorged with blood and Cox set about pleasuring himself. Just as he was starting to get off, the show ended and he lay back in the chair, exhausted.
Shit, he thought, the next show had better be...oh no! His eyes opened in terror and his erection went away. It was a show about queers! He quickly grabbed for the remote and switched the channel. That was a close one! He thought. But now what? He looked at the limp penis in his hand. He shrugged again to nobody and started channel surfing.
A half hour slipped by. An hour, two passed as Cox mindlessly channel surfed looking for anything that might arouse him. Oprah? No, too fat and ugly. Rachel Ray? Nah, looked too much like mom. Suddenly his finger stopped clicking. Girls in swimsuits! Wait, this was Nickelodeon. They were like, twelve. Still, they were kind of cute....

Anita Hunter had gotten off of work early. Or rather, she had taken off early because she had a blinding headache. It didn't do to manage group therapy sessions in that state of mind. And it would be good to just lay in a dark room and sleep. She sighed loudly as she pulled up to second street and turned off to the suburban block that she called home. She silently prayed that Cox hadn't made any messes. Well, anymore than usual...

Cox was just about there. Sitting as close to the TV as he could, thinking dirty thoughts about the girls on the show, what they would feel like, what they would look like. His cock was at full attention and he was jerking so hard that later he would find sores all over penis. His tounge hanging out, he concentrated on the skinny ass of the main character, a twelve year old blonde girl making a mess in the kitchen. Almost there, almost there...

Anita paused for a second with her hand on the doorknob. Something didn't feel right. What was she going to find? She sighed loudly again and turned the handle...

Cox didn't hear the door open. He didn't hear anything. He was inside his head, doing things that would land him in jail for a very long time if he had done them in real life. When he finally came it shot out in long jets that covered his hands and dripped on the carpet. He sat slumped over, breathing heavily. He turned when he heard the scream, just in time to see his mother bolt out the door. He shrugged as he heard her car drive away. He stared at the mess he had made in his hands for a second and then set about cleaning it up with his tounge.

Late Night Playlist #2

2010-08-08T21:52:00.000-07:00

I need my own radio station...

1. GG Allin and The Jabbers - Don't Talk to Me
2. The Rolling Stones - Shattered
3. R.E.M. - Gardening at Night (Chronic Town Version)
4. GG Allin and The Jabbers - Cheri Love Affair
5. Public Enemy - She Watch Channel Zero?
6. Banjo & Sullivan - I'm at Home Gettin' Hammered (While She's Out Gettin' Nailed)
7. Buck Owens and his Buckaroos - Who's Gonna Mow Your Grass
8. Led Zeppelin - Hot Dog
9. The Offspring - I Choose
10. Riz Ortolani - Cannibal Holocaust Opening Theme
11. Terry Reid - Seed of Memory
12. Third Eye Blind - Narcolepsy
13. Third Eye Blind - Horrorshow
14. Roy Orbison - Leah
15. The Sex Pistols - Bodies
16. Mike Watt (With Eddie Vedder, Krist Novoselic, and Dave Grohl) - Against The 70's
17. The Dead Milkmen - Methodist Coloring Book
18. Terry Reid - Brave New Awakening
19. Johnathan Coulton - The Future Soon (Live)
20. Steve Earle and The Pogues - Johnny Come Lately
21. Chumbawamba - The Smashing of the Van
22. Luke Kelly - Join the British Army
23. Luke Kelly - Go to Sea No More
24. Jarvis Cocker - A Drop of Nelson's Blood
25. The Pogues - Drunken Boat
26. The Rolling Stones - Can You Hear Me Knocking
27.Joey Scarbury - Believe It or Not (Theme to The Greatest American Hero)
28. Andrew W.K. - Party Hard
29. Prodigy - Smack My Bitch up
30. Johnny Cash - Sunday Morning Coming Down (Live)
31. GG Allin - Guns, Bitches, Brawls And Bottles

A Talk With The Old Man

2010-08-05T21:48:00.001-07:00

I hear you want to travel boy
Well let me steer you clear
There's things out there
That will curl your hair
And strike you mighty queer!

Sometimes at night I pray to God
When I lay down to sleep
That my head's still on come morning
And nothing eats my feet!

Our house is full of knives and things
Their sharpness warms my soul
If the world gets in
I'll just slug some gin
And stab it full of holes!

Don't you know that it's impossible
To fly with broken wings?
You'll sail away a little ways
And fall into the sea!

Down there at the bottom
The fish will eat your eyes
You can't move
And you can't speak
But there's no way to die!

No girl wants a dapper Dan
Who's rotting all the time
She'll take one breath
Of your ghoulish stench
And then she'll start to cry!

But the ladies love a dapper Dan
That gives them shiny things
A little golden pocket watch
Some beeswax or some rings
But they don't like when you take your knife
And give their throats a smile
But at least then
When they've lost their heads
They're quiet for awhile!

Your mother was a woman
Who would eat the tar off roads
Make me chew my toenails
And have affairs with toads!
But then one night I found her
In the field behind the house
She was clearly dead
For she had no head
But she still called me a louse!

Don't look so sad my boy my lad
For my advice is sound
Take two years
And then your fears
Will be buried in the ground
The worms that eat the baseboard
They sing a merry tune
Lets take a swig from my powder keg
And dance around the room!

Lucky

2010-08-04T21:42:00.001-07:00

The first thing I remember when I woke up was the smell. If you've never smelled a dead rotting body before, it's indescribable. One is bad enough but when you've got a room full of them, nailed to the walls, piled up on the floor, it's unbearable and the first thing I did when I woke up, was to puke. And then I screamed because there was one lying right next to me, a young guy looked like he was barley out of puberty. He had no nose or eyes...
Do you remember how you got there, to the trailer?
All I remember was that I had driven home from work. I got to my apartment, pulled over to the curb, got out, and was walking up to the front door when something hit me on the head and I blacked out, and that was it.
Did he ever abuse you sexually?
No, all he did for a long time was bring me food in a little bowl. I think it was supposed to be food anyways. It was always the same chunks of raw meat. Of course I didn't want to eat it at first. But I got hungry. If you've never been without food for weeks you have no idea...
What do you think he was feeding you?
I don't want to think about it, okay? I did what I had to do to survive. You would have done the same thing.
But he never touched you, in a sexual way?
I don't understand why you care, but I already said no. He wasn't into live girls. He had plenty of them that wouldn't put up a fight. I don't think he was into violence if he could help it.
But he killed so many people...
No, he killed about four or five. The rest he got from graveyards.
You were the only living person in that trailer besides him?
Yes.
Why do you think he kept you alive?
I think he wanted a pet, thats what I think. He treated me like one, except he never unchained me to take me for walks. But he would pat my head and talk to me like I was a baby. And sometimes he would just sit and stare at me, like I was a bug or something.
Tell us about your escape.
Well it was real simple, one day I heard him get his truck and drive off somewhere, which didn't happen often. I pulled at my chains till they ripped out of the wall and then I ran.
Into the woods.
Yeah, I was out of my mind, I didn't know where I was going.
And you ran right into him.
Yup, he hadn't gone very far. I didn't know it was his truck. He was digging a hole in the ground, bent over and I grabbed his shoulder. Stupid, so fucking stupid.
Why do you think he...did what he did next?
Easy, he didn't want me to try and escape.
Then why didn't he take your legs?
I think he meant to take them. Later. I think his thought process was that he needed to do something to keep me from pulling my chains out of the wall again. And...other things.
Well, um Miss Grace, Thank you for your time.
Oh, it's no problem.
And we're very sorry about your...
Yeah yeah, everyone is. I don't need any more pity....

Horror Trailer Bonanza!

2010-08-03T19:00:00.000-07:00

Sorry, no story tonight. I like to mix it up a little bit sometimes, so tonight we're going to watch some awesome classic horror trailers!

Carrie (1976)
Prom Night (1980)
Night Of The Living Dead (1968)
Dawn of the Dead (1978)
Day of the Dead (1985)
Frankenstein (1931)
Bride of Frankenstein (1935)
Dracula (1931)
White Zombie (1932)
Evil Dead II (1987)
Don't Look in the Basement (1973)
Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)
The Unearthly (1957)
Axe (1977)
Robot Monster (1953)
Killer Klowns From Outer Space (1988)
Mad Love (1935)
Wizard of Gore (1970)
Two Thousand Maniacs! (1964)
Blood Feast (1963)
Cannibal Holocaust (1980)
I Drink Your Blood/I Eat Your Skin (1970/1964)
Troll 2 (1990)
The Brain That Wouldn't Die (1962)
Cannibal Ferox AKA Make Them Die Slowly (1981)
Alien (1979)
Return of the Living Dead (1985)
Friday the 13th (1980)
Hatchet for the Honeymoon (1970)
Near Dark (1987)
Texas Chainsaw Massacre II (1986)
Basket Case (1982)
The Wolfman (1941)
The Thing With Two Heads (1972)

????????

Susan's Story

2010-08-02T21:31:00.000-07:00

What's the weirdest thing that ever happened to you?
That was the game that night, as we all sat around the campfire, our only light. Even the moon had shunned us.
What's the weirdest thing that ever happened to you?
It was all Sam's doing, like usual. Her and Andrea had played a few songs on their guitars and sang and they were taking a break when she brought that question up.
What's the weirdest thing that ever happened to you?
And we all answered, one by one. We ended up with five stories told that scared us enough that after the last one was finished we packed it in and went home. If they were fiction, they wouldn't have had half as much impact. But knowing each other well, knowing that none of us were liars, knowing that each story was true, I think we all had trouble sleeping that night.
What's the weirdest thing that ever happened to you?

"Your turn, Suzy-Q." Said Andrea, looking at her from across the fire pit. That was meant as a joke but Susan didn't smile. Susan never smiled, she was one of those people whose face was fixed in a permanent frown. In the three months that I had been hanging out with all of them, I hadn't even heard her say more than two or three sentences to anybody. But she was a brilliant drummer and when she did talk, it was usually something pretty interesting and off the wall. She did have a sense of humor, although it was really dark.
She pushed her blond hair out of her face and glanced at everyone, with piercing blue eyes that took in everything. There was no hiding anything from her, if you were full of shit, she saw right through you. I did like her though, I'd rather have hung out with her then most anyone at school.
When she talked it was with a soft low mumble so that we all had to be really quiet to hear her.
"We all had pretty bad childhoods but I think mine was the worst. In fact I know it was. I'm not going to go into what happened in detail but basically I ended up in a foster home when I was about six or seven that treated me really badly and I ended up having to do a really bad thing to get out of there. It was about three years of therapy and pshycoanalysis before they figured out that I was sane and found me another set of foster parents."
She paused here and sighed.
"It was sort of the end of a nightmare for me, one that I had been living pretty much my whole life. When I got to my new house, I couldn't believe it. I had enough food to eat and ask for things without getting beaten. It was heaven, but the bad things that had happened to me where still under my skin. I dreamed about them, had terrible nightmares. Sometimes I would be sitting doing something like watching TV or trying to learn to read, and I would just start crying and I wouldn't stop for hours. And sometimes I would get angry for no reason and break things and I would feel so bad about it afterwards."
Sam broke in. "What happened? Come on, we're all your friends here, just tell us. We've all been through terrible shit."
Susan sighed again and sounded like she was going to cry.
"I was...I was sexually abused. Very badly for quite a long time. It's very hard for me to talk about...."
She wiped away a tear and Sam got up and walked over to her and they embraced for a long time. We all sat and looked at the fire as Susan sobbed loudly and Sam whispered things to her that we couldn't hear.
It made me feel very strange because I had never seen Susan cry before. She always seemed so strong and finally a wall had broken down. I wanted to give her a hug too and tell her that everything was fine. But of course that would have been a lie. When you've got something like that in your past, it's very hard to get away from. So I sat and poked the fire with a stick, feeling like a jackass till she sat down and regained her composure.
"I'm sorry, like I said, I don't like to talk about it." She wiped the tears off her face and pushed her hair back into her eyes.
"Anyways, weirdest thing I've ever seen? Well sometime in the first month with my new foster parents, they asked me what I wanted to do this one Saturday. They said they'd take me anywhere I wanted to go. I said I wanted to go to the beach, since I had never been to one. I had rode by a few of them and it had sort of become a place I would go in my mind. I would create real parents that would take me and they'd buy me hot dogs and ice cream and we'd play in the water and lay on the sand. I'd dream about it when I went to sleep at night, used it to escape when terrible things were happening to me..."
She looked like she was going to cry again but she swallowed hard and continued.
"They agreed and we went to Howling Wolf Lake that Saturday afternoon. It seems like such a small thing to people that went there whenever they wanted but I had never been to a beach before. I was over-excited. I ran around the sand and laughed and splashed in the water. My foster parents didn't know what to make of me since I had been so quiet up to that point but they played Frisbee with me and Dad threw me into the water over and over and we all built sand castles and dug water trenches. It was perfect, they even bought me ice cream. I ate it while they slept, I actually wore them out!"
She smiled here, a very rare occurrence.
"While they were asleep, I finished my ice cream and got bored. I thought about waking Dad up to play Frisbee again but I was afraid he'd get mad so took my Frisbee and walked off into the water. I was throwing it up in the air and watching it land, slowly getting into deeper and deeper water. After awhile I stopped and looked back and the beach was way far off, at least that's what it seemed like. I don't know what possessed me but I stopped throwing my Frisbee in the air and kept walking out further and further till the water was up to my chin, when a slight wave came, I had to spit to keep it out of my mouth. I had decided that was it and I was going to turn back when I felt a tug on my ankle. And when I tried to make my way back to the beach, I found that I couldn't move. I started to get kind of scared but I didn't start panicking till I felt the tug on my ankle again. This time it was strong enough to pull me right under the water."
"What was pulling you?" Andrea asked.
"It was a girl, about my age. She had this long blond hair that was all fanned around her face and these really green eyes. I know because she pulled me right down next to her and she smiled in my face as I kicked and struggled to hold my breath."
"Jesus..."
"It seemed like I was down a long time before I could make any headway towards the surface, but it seemed if I kicked as had as I could, I slowly moved upwards to the light and air. But the horrible thing was the grip on my ankle got tighter the higher I went and when I looked down, the girl was still there, smiling at me from ear to ear.
When I finally made it to the surface, I was so tired. And I was a lot farther out then I had been originally. I screamed as loud as I could and flailed my arms. And then I went under again and this time I couldn't get back up. My energy was gone and all I could do was grab at the lake bottom as the girl pulled me deeper and deeper. And then I blacked out..."
She paused again and stared into the fire.
"When I woke up I was lying on the beach and Dad was standing over me as I spit out a huge stream of water. He very looked very angry and I started to cry, trying to tell them about the girl through my sobs. They didn't believe me, of course, it all sounded so stupid. Till I showed them the marks on my ankle. It wasn't just bruises, there were deep gashes where the girl's hand had grabbed me. When I showed them, Dad stopped looking angry and got real quiet. He looked out at the water and then back at me and in a very odd sounding chocked off voice he said 'Lets go home.'
And that was that, we packed up and left. Never went back there again. I don't even think we ever even went to a beach after that."
"That's really creepy."
"And if you don't believe me, I still have scars on my ankle. And I'm done talking. John, It's your turn now..."

Sam's Story

2010-08-01T21:19:00.000-07:00

The campfire made weird shadows on her face, making her almost look ghoulish. She was beautiful though, at least I thought so. She was a bit chunky but whatever. She was crazy, but fun crazy, not dangerous crazy. Not usually. Usually Sam was a blast to be around. But she did have a different side. Sometimes she'd just get sad and sit and walk off to be herself and then come back awhile later and be normal again, with no explanation at all. It made her more desirable to me, I wanted to get to know more about her, wanted to know everything. I could never have her, and it hurt, like knives cutting into my heart. I still love her, this mysterious thing that wandered in and out of my life in the course of a year. Of course I'd see her on TV later, but that's another story...
She shifted her guitar on her lap but didn't set it aside. It looked so natural sitting there, it would have felt wrong if she got rid of it. She gazed a long time into the fire before she started, almost like she was drawing up something she'd hidden away a long time ago...

My mother was a piece of shit. I'm not saying that to be mean, she really was. She was an awful parent and, as I came to realize much later, a truly awful person. When you're really little you think that the small world that surrounds you is the same for everyone because you have no frame of reference. You think "Okay, all the other kids get their arms burnt with cigarettes too, so It's not so bad" Or "All the other kids never have enough food to eat too, it's not just me." But then you go to school and you find out that you've been getting the short end of the stick all along and it hurts. It hurts and it makes you angry. Of course you don't say anything because you'll just get beaten more. So you take your anger and your hurt and you bury it deep down inside where no one else can see it. You bury it and it seethes and boils and it eats away at your soul. People who don't come from broken homes have no idea, they look at you like you're a cockroach that needs to be stepped on. And if they don't, then they pity you, which is worse sometimes. They see your shitty clothes and the scars on your arms and they patronize you because they think you're stupid. And then that anger comes up again, anger you can't do anything with, anger that kills you inside. And they wonder why people get so messed up sometimes. When you're a kid all you can do is suck it and hide it and then when you get older it all comes out and we do terrible things, things that shock the people reading their morning newspapers. They shake their heads and move on, only a glancing thought for scum like us. It's very hard to rise above that fate.
You turned out alright.
Yeah, It's all chance and fate too. But anyways. Yeah, my mom was shit, my dad ran off, and my sister...well thats something I don't like to talk about. All I had was myself. My mom had a job for awhile, at Alpaca foundry, and I guess she felt some obligation as a parent at that point because she would never leave me by myself at home. What she'd do though, was drop me off at a realatives house, usually without telling them. And I would spend the day there, wether they were home or not. It was usually at my Great Aunt Gina's, who had a day job too and was never home and I'd wander around in the woods till she picked me up. God, sometimes I wonder how the Hell I survived. I was only seven for christsakes.
But anyways, my aunt lived in this huge old house. I remember it really well, it had this shitty brown shingle siding on it, that always scared me for some reason. Inside it was really kind of boring. Aunt Gina didn't have any kids so she didn't have any toys or games and the only books she had were Reader's Digest Condensed Books which people pretty much just put up on shelves to make it look like they read a lot, I think. When she was home, and I couldn't wander outside, she'd make me sit and watch Soap Operas with her which was torture for me but it's weird because whenever I hear the opening to The Young and the Restless, it brings back this wave of nostalgia that's so strong it sickens me. It's not a bad tune, I just hate it because it brings me back to my shitty childhood. (She laughed a little bit here, and paused before going on.)
When my aunt was home, I was never allowed past the living room. I always wanted to explore the house, it was so big. Well, to me it was. Everything looks big when you're little. For a long time, all I saw was the dusty living room with it's faded green couch and old broken TV. And 1970s yellow carpet. Uck. (She scrunched up her face, which I always thought was cute).
But one time mom dropped me off when no one was home, and Aunt Gina had forgotten to lock the front door. It was kind of a big thing to me, to be able to see the rest of the house, but it turned out to be pretty boring mostly. My Aunt was pretty poor and was all her life. I found out much later that she had actually been born and raised in that house, she died in it too. Kind of sad if you ask me. Anyways...sorry I keep getting off track.
It's alright...
(She sighed) There was pretty much nothing upstairs. My aunt slept in a room off the living room, I think. I remember how the floor was all dusty and I left my footprints in it. I thought this was really weird and kind of cool. I wrote my name with my fingers in it and made hand prints. The upstairs was basically a hallway with two door on either side. Their was nothing in the first one, a skeletal frame of a bed, I think. There was a bunch of hangers in the closet which kind of freaked me out. I don't know why. Weird things scare you when you're a kid.
The next room down was locked but when I looked through the keyhole, I could see another bed frame, but this one had a mattress on it. There was something just beyond what I could see, something hanging from the ceiling. It must have been moving slightly, because it would go in and out of sight. It was something pale, possibly white, but that's all I could make out. After trying to figure out what it was for a long time, I realized I could hear the creak of whatever was holding it up as it moved. This wouldn't scare me until I thought about it years later.
The room across the hallway was open and this was the weirdest thing because the windows were all boarded up and it was dark inside. When I hit the lightswitch I could see that the wallpaper was all torn up, very badly. Whatever had done it had left huge gashes in the plaster as well, gashes that looked like claw marks. And it smelled, it smelled so bad. It was like wet dog mixed with old dirt and rot. I closed the door and ran downstairs. I never opened that last door.
And that was it?
Pretty much. I know, an awful story right? Well I did think about exploring the basement but I took one look down the dark stairs and there was no fucking way I was going down there. Andrea, it's your turn. Tell us a story...
Wait, when your aunt died, didn't anyone go through the house?
No, there was a fire and the place burnt to the ground, with Great Aunt Gina in it. Anyways, my story sucked. Andrea, your turn...

Late Night Playlist

2010-07-31T22:41:00.000-07:00

Sorry, nothing profound to post yet, just my late night writing song list. Should have something good up tomorrow!

Christopher Cross - Arthur's Theme
Fear - I Don't Care About You
The Primitives - Crash ('95 Mix)
Meat Puppets - Backwater
Iron Maiden - Fear of the Dark
Black Sabbath - Fluff
Dio - Last in Line
Steve Urkel - Do the Urkel
Fear - I love Living in the City
Kleenex/Liliput - Hitchike
The Raincoats - Lola
The Doors - Peace Frog/Blue Sunday
GG Allin - Suck My Ass it Smells
Tiny Tim - Living in the Sunlight, Loving in the Moonlight
GG Allin - Sleeping in my Piss
ELO - Don't Bring Me Down
Bobby Helms - Fraulein
Anti-Nowhere League - Streets of London
The Frogs - Homos
The Dickies - Free Willy
R.E.M. - Bad Day
The White Stripes - In the Cold, Cold Night

Love Song

2010-07-26T01:28:00.000-07:00

I see you standing by my back gate
You think I'm gonna let you in
You think I'm not used to being abused
You think I've never tasted sin
Oh baby baby I'm not so innocent

I see you standing by my front porch
Soaking wet from the rain
You think I'm some little frightened boy
You think I'm not used to pain
I've been there and I've done everything
I'm not going down that road again

I see you walk in through my back door
You think you slick you think you're sly
You may use your body to try and tempt me
But I see through all your lies
I just ain't that kind a guy

I see you there in my bedroom
Spread eagle on my bed
But Satan ain't gonna get me
I know whats going through your head
The price of sin is pain and death

I see you heading for my front door
I see you smile and turn away
Lord forgive for what I've done
I just couldn't turn away
It must have been the look in her eyes
Or the curve of her breasts
Jesus heal me and forgive my sin
For I have made an awful mess

Alone and Drowning

2010-07-20T20:45:00.001-07:00

The lady at the end of the bar buys you a drink
You take it and sit down next to her
She's pretty plain looking but not ugly
A few beers will take care of that
You swig your poison and make meaningless small talk
Both of you waiting for the alcohol
Even in the dim light of the dingy downtown bar
You can see that she has very pretty eyes
The green of her irises remind you of a dress your older sister had
Back when you were a kid
You don't tell her this, of course
She tells you her name is Deidre
And that she works for a small publishing company
Proofreading manuscripts all day
You're pretty sure she's lying
Though you can't explain how you know that
You tell her some things about yourself
That are partially lies
She seems to buy them
Not that it matters much anyways
And then a slow song comes on the jukebox
And you both get up to dance
You spin clumsily around
You trying to lead
But her usually taking over
And as you spin you look at the other couples
Who've made some small human connection tonight
And none of them have eyes
And they're all grinning
Wide with sharp teeth in their mouths
Like they want to eat you and are just waiting for the chance
And then you're fucking Deidre in a hotel room
Or Luann
Or whatever her name was
Sliding in and out of her
Even though you can't feel it
You can't feel anything
She's lying there staring up at you
Motionless
And suddenly you're in a hospital waiting room
Fucking a large doll with button eyes
And it's mouth stitched shut
With x's
Like when a cartoon character dies
There's people all around you
Sitting not noticing what you're doing
And then it all fades away and you're underwater
Reaching for the light above you
Your hands trying to reach the unreachable
You're alone and drowning
Your lungs burning with stale air
You'd better hope this is all a dream
Hell might not be as hot as people say it is.

400th Post

2010-07-19T22:56:00.001-07:00

The night moved slowly like an old man trying to get down a flight of stairs
Like it knew that it's time was up but it was incapable of moving any faster till dawn
Emmy was sick again
Emmy was always sick
Up till the day she died it seemed like
Poor girl
She was only 9 when she finally went
I remember when she was born
The sickly little thing
2 weeks premature
It was a miracle she survived
For as long as she did
Poor girl
Most of my memories of her are of me holding her in my arms
Rocking her as she screamed from the pain of colic
Or sitting in a rocking chair
Holding her while she slept
Fitfully, her dreams affected by fever
My poor yellow haired Emmy
I got her to sleep that night
She was eight
She had the flu
In a year she'd get Pneumonia
And that'd be it
I got her to sleep
Finally
I walked to the window
Past the dying embers in the fire place
And I looked out at the full moon
Glowing in the night sky
Surrounded by a hundred million stars
And I listened to the wind slap at the cabin
That I had built with my own hands
All for her
All so that she'd have a place
To grow up in
To live in when she got older
The wind's shrill whistle outside
The night's lonely song
I had protected her from the night
And the rain
And the cold
I had done everything I could
But I was still powerless
And I turned and looked back at her lying there
In her bed
The dying fire casting a soft orange glow on her face
I knew she wasn't going to last long in this world
I had always known it
Looking back at the moon
With the same skull face that had always mocked me since I was a child
I decided that after Emmy finally went
I was going to burn the cabin down

It's a Dead Man's Party...

2010-07-09T20:05:00.000-07:00

Who could ask for more?

You're invited to a party tomorrow night at the Fairview pet cemetery at the end of Brownsville Road. Festivities start at 9 o clock and go till dawn. Invite any other ghouls, werewolves, vampires, or zombies you want but make sure that if you bring a zombie that he or she isn't so rotted that they're falling apart. Picking up body parts makes cleaning up after a bitch you know? And of course, sparkle vampires will not be invited and any seen will be killed on smell.
Food will be provided, fresh body parts both human animal and we have a vampire that was a bartender in Vegas before he died who knows how to make killer blood cocktails and other assorted nasty drinks, however, if you want to capture a prom queen or corporate executive to share, we all know how tasty those are!
This is a masked occasion so wear your most ghoulish looking costume. Oh, but no PE teacher costumes please. We all know how easy they are to trap, kill, and skin but please put a little more effort into your outfits this year. There was too many of those damn things walking around last year and they started to creep out some of our guests!
Unmasking will be when the full moon hits it's zenith. Be prepared for a few other surprises as well, this will be the most ghoulishly blood soaked box social that all you undead lovelies will be talking about the entire year!

Your Master of Ceremonies,
The Head of Dirty Dan with the Body of Slutty Fran

PS The band we had last year was killed by a vampire hunter, so if anyone wants to bring your own instruments to play, please do. The more ghoulishly hideous the sound, the better!

Another True High School Story

2010-07-08T20:37:00.000-07:00

Are you getting tired of these yet?

I loved being on the Cross Country team when I was in high school. I made the best friends I've ever had, got to run with and hang out with good looking girls (when you're a freshman hanging out with senior girls, that's a huge thing), and it was one of the few sports I was actually good at. Another underlying reason that I never really admitted to anyone, especially myself, was that it filled my PE requirement and I got to skip gym class. I only had to take it once in seventh grade. That was enough.

I know that physical fitness is an important thing, what with the entirety of the country getting too fat to even move to get more food, necessitating the invention of robots to shove burgers and fries down their gullets on demand lest they eat their own hands off, but ask just about anyone and they'll tell you that gym class is a fucking nightmare. Everyone hates gym class. The only ones that don't hate gym class are the mongoloid retard alpha males that get to run around and yell and throw things and act like mongoloid retards with very little supervision. They love that shit. No ones really trying to teach them anything, making them confused and irritated with concepts like "words" and "numbers" and how fucking magnets work and they get to pick on people weaker and smarter than they are with encouragement from an authority figure. Said authority figure is usually a retard alpha male himself, maybe just a step above mongoloid. Sometimes not. The female gym teachers are usually butch pseudo-lesbians that love their job because they get to watch high school girls run around in shorts and get naked. I might be exaggerating with stereotypes, but there's truth behind every cliche is all I'm saying.

Our gym "teacher" fit the stereotype pretty well. He also taught health class but you could tell by looking at him that he wasn't very bright. His nickname was "Gumby" probably because he was obscenely tall and had to bend slightly to get in most doorways, but there was probably a stupider reason. Only the MRAMs called him Gumby to his face without him getting pissed. I suppose there was some kin-ship there. Most of those guys would either end up working factory jobs or become gym teachers themselves someday. He was once in their shoes: telling stupid sex jokes, yelling at random intervals in the locker room, grabbing each others nuts in the shower, and attacking the asses of the fat kids with towels as they changed. Yes, he's been there and he knows how glorious it all was, so he looks the other way except when he has to assert himself as the king alpha male by making everyone run laps. This is the perfect place for him and he'll keep it. Till the day he taunts a gay kid for being gay and loses his job and gets picked up by another school far away in an endless cycle. And when he finally retires he'll look back on the full life that he has led running a zoo for MRAMs and their prey. He'll die happy knowing the hundreds of kids he has scarred for life and won't understand why the fires of Hell are suddenly burning the hairs on his ass. Such is the fate of the gym teacher.

Um, sorry, I got a bit off track there. Anyways, other than running around like an idiot, having to suffer through changing and showering with a bunch of other dudes (something which I wouldn't have to go through again till I joined the military and went to basic training), and getting my ass beat and my glasses broken in dodge ball, there's only a few things that have really stuck in my mind from that one year of mindless stupidity and brutality. One was a boy who I'll call...Cletus.

Cletus's family was poor. Dirt poor. Even the poor kids made fun of him for being poor. I know nothing about what his private life was like but I'm guessing it was sort of like Kenny's on South Park. Without all the death. He was skinny and malnourished, his teeth were a lovely shade of yellowish brown, and when you talked to him you had to remember to not use big words or he'd get easily confused. Oh and he smelled. Bad. A heady mixture of musty dirt and cigarette smoke emanated from the very center of his being. I have a hunch that he might have come out of the womb smelling like that, it seemed so natural. Being at the intelligence level to know how to function in society but not much else, Cletus sought the companionship and the acceptance of the MRAMs. He might have fit in except that he wasn't an alpha male. Still, he did his best to repeat stupid sex jokes even if he didn't understand them, and yell nonsense at random intervals, and make fun of Gumby till one day it all came crashing down on his poor lice ridden head. One day he was changing clothes and stripped down to his massively skid mark streaked underwear. Someone yelled
"Hey, look at Cletus's underwear!
Someone else yelled
"Yeah, he's got crusties!"
Pretty soon almost everyone was pointing and laughing and the poor kid put his clothes back on and wandered off to cry alone. From then on everyone called him Crusty, all the way through high school it followed him. I think eventually he even got used to it. I saw a lot of people call him that to his face and he wouldn't even flinch. Maybe he just pushed the origin of it out his mind and was glad that people were calling him anything that wasn't ugly or stupid or poor. That wasn't the saddest thing I'd seen that involved Cletus though. The saddest thing was the time I was standing outside the bio lab under the overhang with some friends and we saw him going through the gutters looking for cigarette butts to smoke. It was raining out. Not hard, but even a drizzle would make looking for used smokes on the ground even more pointless than it already was. And sad. So very very sad.

New Blog, Looking for Contributers

2010-07-07T21:08:00.000-07:00

The Amateur Night Art Show is up, even though there's nothing much there now. I'm looking for contributers so if you would like to work with some other artists (and me) to post up content, please email me at youngmancane_13@hotmail.com and I'll add your name to the list of people that can post up content.

Thanks!

My Thirteen Favorite Music Videos

2010-07-06T22:02:00.000-07:00

I'm currently working on a story I hope you guys will all like. It's another fictional high school story, I have no idea why I tend to write those. In the mean time I wanted to post something up, so here's a list! I've posted some of these before, I hope you don't mind seeing them again!

In no particular order:

Pixies - Velouria
Pixies - Here Comes Your Man
Infamously, the whole band hated music videos and refused to make them, but they were forced to produce a few. The two above represent their best attempts at making anti-music videos. They were so successful with Velouria that MTV refused to play it! It's my favorite one of their videos, a brilliant piece of anti-entertainment if there ever was one.

Disturbed - Land of Confusion
Pearl Jam - Do the Evolution
Todd McFarlane must not have a very cheery out look on life, judging by these two sort of similar videos that bear his stamp. The Pearl Jam one is better in my humble opinion, the Disturbed video sort of seems like a warm up. Taken together though, they represent two of the bleakest treaties on humanity ever produced.

The Birthday Massacre - Blue
The Birthday Massacre - Looking Glass
I fucking love The Birthday Massacre. Their music is all sorts of beautiful and creepy and their music videos are incredible. Blue is a shockingly eerie work of art, and I have a thing for creepy dolls, so it might actually be my favorite music video ever.
A new video is currently in the works for a song off their upcoming album. I can't wait!

Tom Waits - I Don't Wanna Grow Up
The Ramones - I Don't Wanna Grow Up
Tom Waits did the original but both versions are fucking incredible. For the longest time I had no idea The Ramones version was a cover, it fits them so well!
Both videos are great too, Tom is insane like always and I love the art in The Ramones video. If anyone has any idea who did the animation, put it in the comments!

Talking Heads - Road to Nowhere
Talking Heads - Once in a Lifetime
Oh brilliant weirdness, how I love thee. If the sight of David Bryne flopping around on the ground like a puppet on strings or Tina Weymouth and Jerry Harrison dancing on the side of a desert road doesn't make you love this band, then I believe you never will.

Nirvana - In Bloom
There's something about seeing Nirvana as a clean cut 1960s TV safe rock group that just cracks me the Hell up every time I watch this one. People forget how goofy the band could be, especially when they were mocking the music industry itself.

Peaches - Fuck the Pain Away
Another one that cracks me the Hell up. Brilliant use of probably public domain Andy Griffith, brilliantly stupid song, just brilliant all around. Peaches = Brilliant.

Erasure - Always
This song is the gayest song ever. If you can find me a gayer song or a gayer band, please put a link in the comments and I will give you a cookie. Plus the guy rhymes open with itself like five times in the first verse of the song, how can you not love that! The video isn't quite as gay, but it is incredibly campy. As a straight guy that loves his camp I can give this video nothing less than three feather boas and a pair of fishnet stockings. Whatever that means.

I'm going to try and post on a regular schedule again, so look for some more stuff tomorrow night! Peace!

I Suddenly Felt Like Writing Again

2010-07-05T12:53:00.001-07:00

A True Story

When I was in eighth grade I had a science class. The whole thing was set up so that instead of it actually being interesting, we just read out of our textbooks for an hour. The textbooks in question were incredibly old and most of them were falling apart. There were whole chunks of mine that I could just pull right out. The whole thing was incredibly boring and pointless and no one really learned anything, especially since it was essentially trying to teach us the same shit we had already learned in fifth grade, not that anyone really cared anyways.
One strange past time that sprung up and seemingly had been going on for awhile, was defacing our cruddy textbooks. It must have been going on for years since every book I saw had crude renderings of penises and boobs and retarded captions drawn on a large majority of the pictures. It was stupid but at least it made class time go by faster when you could flip through and find a previously innocent drawing of a boy leaning over a girl that now showed him trying to rail her with the same smile on both their faces.
I remember one in particular was a drawing of a boy cleaning out a bathtub. Some wit had drawn an erect cock onto the boy's pants and had scribbled in the caption: "I wonder what bro is doing?"
It was kind of a curious thing to me. It was retarded, but did it have some sort of meaning? Obviously, the sharp wit that had set about defacing school property had tried to imply some sort of homosexual incest fantasy, but why hadn't he just written something like "I want to fuck my brother" or "My brother has a hot cock" or something straight forward like that. Maybe he was trying to sound smart by implying rather than just putting it right out there or maybe he was afraid that if he got caught writing the word "fuck" he'd get in worse trouble. But then again, he did draw a cock.
I probably puzzled too much over it, it was probably made by the same type of person that thought he could say "spanked my monkey" in front of the teachers and they wouldn't know what he meant. I knew quite a few of those guys, sadly.

They got new textbooks a couple years after that. I suppose they were better in a way, but the fun of pulling out pages and scribbling dirty sex jokes on something the school owned while having the risk of getting caught be pretty low was gone.
I'm not promoting vandalism all I'm saying is that when you're stuck all day in a place you can't stand listening to stuff you couldn't give two shits about, you take your cheap thrills where you can.
Being a teenager sucks.

Girlbot MS Paint Comic

2010-06-16T15:37:00.000-07:00

I used Diana Nock's Build-a-Bot Worksheet to make a comic!

See if you can make one that's funnier than my lame attempt!

Smoke Up Johnny!

2010-06-04T07:40:00.000-07:00

A response of sorts to Allen Ginsburg.

Doctors used to tell us
That smoking was alright
So we puffed and pulled our cigaretts
Morning noon and night
We smoked in doctors offices
In planes and in schools
All our movies stars assured us
That smoking was so cool

But now they try to tell us
That it's bad for you
You'll get cancer by inhaling
A measly random fumes
You can only smoke in certain places
Far away from healthy lungs
If you say you smoke you get looked at
Like a pedo leper bum

So I say...
Stick it to the man
By smoking all you can
It puts hair on your chest
And makes you a real man
All the ladies love
When you puff those cancer sticks
All their panties drop right down
They'll give it to you quick
If some whiney bastard
Says you need to die
Just take your lovely cigarette
And put it out in his eye

Smoke as many as you can
Before the cancer hits
Ah hell, I don't smoke at all
I just hate those whiney shits!

Actually I do smoke the occasional ceegar, they look cooler than cigarettes and piss people off just as much. Plus, they're yummy!

Sorry...

2010-05-26T03:27:00.000-07:00

I apologize for not posting more. I am currently working on getting out of the military and back home and eventually to school and a job, so my brain has been elsewhere. I promise to post up lots of stuff in about a month when I have some free time.

Peace and thanks to all my readers. You guys rock!

Academy Award Nominated Animated Shorts - 1932

2010-05-18T03:21:00.000-07:00

Here starts a new series of posts looking at all of the academy award nominated short animated films from 1932 to now. (The one's I can find anyways) Enjoy!

Mickey's Orphans (Disney)
I love how Mickey and Minnie just kind of stand around and smile while their house gets completely destroyed!

It's Got Me Again! (Warner Bros.)
The Warners nabbed their first ever Oscar nomination for an animated short by totally ripping Disney off!
Am I the only one that feels bad for that poor cat? He just wanted something to eat!

Winner: Flowers and Trees (Disney)
I have this strange idea that this only won because it was in color...maybe not. It is an impressive looking cartoon. I'm not too fond of these "prestige" cartoons though. Yeah they look good, but they're boring! I like my cartoons to be violent and weird, goshdarnit!

Thoughts?

Ask a Serial Killer

2010-05-17T08:21:00.000-07:00

You have come to the Forest Bay Maximum security prison to interview one of the world's most famous serial killers, John Greenwood, given the death penalty for killing over 40 people in the space of a year, suspected of killing more.
You are sitting in an uncomfortable chair with your bulky recorder on the counter in front of you. Opposite you, on the other side of a thick pane of bulletproof glass, sits your interviewee, a man of about 40, bald with piercing blue eyes. A large scar runs down his left cheek.
Your hands shake and you know he knows that you are scared.

What do you ask him?

Put your questions in the comments section!

Lovecraft Drawing Winner

2010-05-13T23:38:00.000-07:00

Justin of MISSLE AN(e)US wins this one by default since he was the only one to send an entry in.

Even though it was the only entry, it's still a pretty sweet sketch:

Justin wins a shiny new copy of Lovecraft Tales from The Library of America. If any of you want to try for second place send entries to: youngmancane_13@hotmail.com
Oh and Justin, send me your address!

I may try this again sometime next month if I can get more people to participate.

In the Basement

2010-05-13T05:55:00.000-07:00

Baby I love you
But there's something you don't know
I want you to hear me clear
So I'll try and say it slow
This might take a bit of explaining
But I hope you'll understand
That you'll still love me
When I'm done
And let me be your man...

My mothers in the basement
She's dead but not quite
She groans and moans
So loudly
That I can't sleep at night
You see, a monkey bit her
And then she stepped on it's head
She died but then she rose up
And now she's undead
I don't have the heart to kill her
So I keep her tranquilized...
But I love you more than her
Can't you see it in my eyes

I need you to take my hand
And we'll kill her by ourselves
Oh I forgot to tell you
There's a few more down there as well
The priest he died how he lived
Kicking ass and taking names
But now he is a zombie
It's a low down goddamn shame
Oh yeah and there's a gang of greasers
In bits and pieces now
Even though they're dangerous
We'll destroy them all somehow
I almost forgot the baby
Born of an undead womb
We'll kill them all together
Our love will see us through...

Hey babe where are you going?
I can't do this by alone!
Can I at least have your number?
We'll talk later on the phone
Babe please stop running!
You know me, I'm perfectly sane!
We'll make these zombies into soup
And then fuck away the pain

Story Idea

2010-05-10T06:11:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm still insane, but here's a story idea pulled out from the depths of that insanity.

Title: Road to Nowhere

Premise:
In the future, the world is facing a crisis. There's too many people and not enough food to feed anyone. The air, land and sea, are polluted to the point that almost no edible plant life exists anymore. Millions are starving and it's currently only the rich that seem to be having an easy go of it, even though their future looks bleak as well as most of the working force are slowly starving to death. Synthetic foods are all the rage of course, but they're very expensive and hard to make.
Zymethaline-5 is created accidentally by a scientist trying to combine two separate vegetable genes (exactly which ones is still uncertain). It's a very odd plant, looking like a very large pale white radish. It has sort of a bitter taste but not unpleasant. The taste doesn't matter though, the main thing is that it grows incredibly fast and in almost impossible conditions. It takes a very small amount of water and produces a very large amount of seeds in return, as well as a large edible bulb.
The new plant spreads like wildfire all over the world. It's heralded as the Saviour of the human race and the companies that sell the seeds and plants get very rich. New kinds are created that offer more nutrition, better flavor, larger bulbs. They fancy kinds are mostly eaten by the rich though, the poor get the very cheap, very basic kind in grocery stores and seed marts.
It becomes the staple food of previously starving world, allowing it to function better than it has for a very long time.
Some people, however, refuse to touch the things. Just like any other miraculous new thing that comes out, there are naysayers. The naysayers claim that Zymethaline-5 (Zym to the common people) wasn't tested enough before being sent out to the world at large. They claim that something very bad is going to come, and the world is going to crumble again, worse than it was before. And you know what? They're right.

For awhile, everything is fine. Sure there's the usual wars and political drama, and celebrity scandals, but at least most nations now have enough to eat. It's not until decades after that the murders start. Of course at first, nobody attributes it to the plant. Murders happen every day. But the strangeness of the violent acts starts to gain attention. An eight year old girl kills her step-father while he sleeps with a kitchen butcher knife. An elementary school teacher guts several of her students before she's gunned down by the cops. A small town preacher blows his own congregation with a bomb. Most of the murders are very random, committed by people who would never have even though about even shoplifting. It becomes a worldwide epidemic and no one can figure why it's happening, until people start to mutate....

It turns out that Zymethaline-5 only effects certain people negatively, making them prone to acts of unspeakable violence and eventually twisting their bodies into hideous forms. Scientists, however, are at a loss to figure out why it only happens to certain people and Zym is too important a world food source for people to stop eating. While the plant is tested and retested and the captured mutants subjected to unspeakable tortures in the name of science, the mutants that have escaped capture are slowly forming an underground society....

Characters:
Haven't come up with any yet.

Sound good, crappy? Ideas to throw into the pot?

Stay Tuned

2010-05-09T04:45:00.000-07:00

Please excuse the lack of updates, I've been slowly going insane and it's very hard to write with these bugs crawling all over my skin and blood leeches eating away my brain. When I get back to reality, I'll post up a notice.

Lets all be sacrilegious...

2010-05-03T05:45:00.000-07:00

Seems like a pretty silly thing to kill people over isn't it? Prove to these assholes that you're not scared and post your own!

Some Things I Really Dislike

2010-05-02T04:20:00.000-07:00

1. Soggy Cereal
2. The awkwardness that comes when a girl you like says that she thinks of herself as ugly and/or stupid.
3. When I start a friendship with someone and then find out that they're a racist misogynistic asshole.
4. Seeing spiders get killed.
5. A great movie with a horrible ending that makes the whole rest of what you just watched suck. (I'm looking at you I Bury the Living).
6. Shitty remakes of good movies.
7. When I discover a great relatively unknown movie and then find out that there's a remake coming out soon. (Everyone watch the original Don't Look Now and please skip the one coming out in 2011).
8. Being into a girl and then finding out that they have a boyfriend/are married. And then having them mention their significant other in every conversation.
6. John Mayer/Jason Marz/Jack Johnson...DOUCHEBAG ACOUSTIC GUITAR ROCK!
7. The spins you get from drinking a lot which inevitably leads to profuse vomiting.
8. Being talked to like a little child.
9. Piles of dead insects. Usually houseflies, but cockroaches would be pretty bad too.
10. People who talk crap about Mystery Science Theater 3000. SHUT UP OR I WILL SERIOUSLY CUT YOU!
11. Walking into a public bathroom with one sit down stall and finding that someone has shit on the floor/on the seat. (This has happened to me way too many times).
12. Cellphones in movie theaters or libraries or any other place that you should be able to go to escape assholes and their cellphones.
13. The fact that Oprah has her own magazine and puts herself on every cover. And for reasons that I can't quite come to terms with, the fact that she got millions of housewives to read Steinbeck, which they never would have touched otherwise, makes me want to hurl.

And finally, one thing that I love:
Oasis techno.

Oh and one more thing. I really want to start a movie discussion club type thing again. Does anyone have any ideas for how we could get it to work better than it did last time?

It's motherf**king Cartoon Time

2010-05-01T06:31:00.000-07:00

Yes it is. Here's some animations that you should watch. Because they are awesome.

Tex Avery spits in the eye of every overly cute fairy tale cartoon ever made:

A simple story of life, death, and gerbils:

Radiohead makes me feel weird...in my pants

And finally, Fleisher mindfuckery at it's very best:

Happy nightmares!

Edit: Okay, how about one more awesome Betty Boop cartoon?:

Dear Diary: Thursday the 29th

2010-04-29T04:04:00.000-07:00

Apologies to Oisin O'Sullivan as I sort of ripped off his story format.

Hello Allison, my love, my sweet. I have some thoughts to give to you, so please lend an ear...

This city smells like rot and decay, the stench of a million things dieing and not being able to decompose properly and become part of the earth. It's hard to do when everything is made of concrete. I shouldn't think so much about it, but whenever I walk down the street all I can think about is how a city of 3 million people, with so many living breathing things everywhere, could stink so bad....
I wish that I had never moved away from the country. "Go." The doctor said. Remember that? He said that I needed to be around people. That the solitude was making me crazy. I may have done somethings that were a bit odd, but I don't think I was crazy. I never hurt anyone. Hell, I never wanted to hurt anyone. But now everyday I want to stab someone, or throw them in front of the subway train, or punch them till their faces cave in. I hate these cockroaches, this scum of the world that thinks it's important enough to warrant destroying everything to suit itself. These pushy ungrateful lazy rude festering wastes of precious air and recourses. I never gave other people much thought till I had to live and work among them. Now I despise each and every last one of them.
Every time I think about my lovely trees and my lake and my log cabin, it hurts. It hurts so bad. But I need to go back there in my mind or I'd go completely insane. Today at work my boss yelled at me in front of everybody because some lady complained to him that I wasn't polite enough. He yelled till his face was beet red and veins popped out of his forehead and neck. All I had done was explain to the lady how the gas pumps were supposed to work and she wasn't getting it, so of course after a very long time of trying to make her understand I got frustrated and angry. I didn't yell or anything but I guess my tone was condescending or something and she spent a long time in my bosses office.
So my boss was yelling at me and everyone was looking and I thought about killing him. Right then and there, just putting my hands around his pudgy neck and squeezing till he died. Or tackling him and beating his head on the floor till his skull cracked and his brains started to leak out.
Allison, you know I'm not a violent person right? My past entries in you give testament to that. That is why I love you more than anything else in the world. You know all my secrets but tell no one.
I'm hungry but all I have is leftover hot dogs and a this half bottle of Jack Daniels. I suppose it will have to do. Maybe I can get drunk enough and the hot dogs won't taste so bad.

I have a dream to relate before I go. I know you love these my darling, even more than I do. Just another reason that you are my perfect girl.

I was in some rich person's mansion. This probably came from some TV show that I had seen recently. When Mandy had her party last Friday, we all watched brainless TV so we didn't have to talk to each other so much. But you know that already.
I was standing at the top of the stairs looking down. It was very dark and I could just make out a figure standing at the bottom looking up at me. At first it was just a blurry white shape, but then it started to move up the stairs and I gradually came to the realization that it was a woman. A woman I had never me before. She was very pretty but I knew she was dead and it made me very sad. When she got up to me, she opened her arms and embraced me...
Suddenly I was in a trailer house watching a very fat man murder his wife. He was about finished when I got there, and he stabbed her a few more times before standing up and looking right at me. He handed me the knife without a word and then sat back in his easy chair and turned on The Muppet Show. His wife got up, went into the kitchen, and started to make some food. I was going to ask her if being dead hurt and if she could make me a turkey pot pie because I blew most of my paycheck on cheap books, but then I woke up.

My dear Allison, it is Thursday. One more day of work till the weekend. I've almost finished reading the last book in the original Tarzan series. I would love to read more of Burroughs work but none of the used bookstores I frequent seem to have anything of his. I could get it new but I have no money for new books. Where is the library in this stinking place? Do those even exist anymore? I may have to do some more searching to find out. Maybe this weekend?

I love you Allison. Please be a good girl till we meet again even though I like it when you're bad sometimes. I think about you a lot at work, you know that right? Of course you do. You're with me in spirit always. Adieu!

Phases

2010-04-28T05:30:00.000-07:00

Phase 1:
The monkey will bite you so you have to hit it with the two by four. Hit it really hard so that you knock it out or you'll just piss it off and it'll chew off your face.

Phase 2:
You are the lord of the dance. Too bad you have no feet. Pound those stumps into the ground until they're bloody and maybe you'll get some sympathy. Probably not. You suck at life.

Phase 3:
Why does your head hurt? You're probably not drinking enough human blood. Take into account that school children are going to have less even though they're easier prey and start attacking fat mall guards. They're full of blood and other delicious things, and they can't run very fast. On top of that you'll be doing society at large a favor by taking them out.

Phase 4:
Do you remember when you were a kid and you accidentally killed that caterpillar? How your hand was covered in it's guts and it wouldn't come off and all you could do was smear it on your jeans? Remember how bad you felt, thinking about the beautiful butterfly it could have become? You need to forget that and finish nailing the neighbor's dog to that cross.

Phase 5:
Your porn name is Buster Hymen. How do you feel about that? Well you don't have a choice, you're doing this movie because you owe your kid's kindergarten teacher a ton of coke money. Now keep fucking that chicken!

Phase 6:
Have you read Euphoric and Meloncholic Tales of Modern Suburbia yet? No? I guess I'll leave the electric nipple clamps on for a while longer then...

Phase 7:
Seven is your lucky number. Or at least it usually is. Today is not your lucky day, however. When would you say that your luck started to turn sour? When you farted in front of that pretty girl you say? I was going to say it was when you stepped through to that nightmare dimension where everyone runs around screaming while blood flows from their eyes and eyes and the air is filled with the godawful sounds of Justin Mraz coming from everywhere and nowhere. But I guess that girl was pretty cute...

Phase 8:
Phase 8 is boring. Not much happens. Well, you do get to perform your amazing self-sodomy trick at your 8 year old cousins birthday party. Nothing to write home about though.

Phase 9:
You're almost finished! Just one more phase after this! Fill out this comment form and then stick it up your ass. Please.

Phase 10:
Your final act will be to close your eyes and then run as far as you can in one direction. When you think you're far enough away from your currents surroundings, open your eyes. What do you see in front of you? Whatever it is, human, animal, inanimate object, demon hell spawn come to steal away human children and replace them with it's own, I want you to eat it. If you have to kill it first, then please do so, but you have to consume every single bit of it without throwing up. Ah shit, you failed! It's back to the monkey for you mate...

Consolation prize:
You got second place. Congrats. Please place your upper jaw on the edge of this curb. Your prize is toothlessness and pain. Stop crying. Teeth are over-rated anyways.

First prize:
A jar of Mrs. Greives pubic hair mayonnaise. What? You don't like it? You ungrateful bastard! That shits expensive!

From the Archives #1

2010-04-27T05:54:00.000-07:00

A while back I attempted to write a story for every deadly sin, to be published in a book that never came to be for a couple of reasons. For one thing, the stories were way too short. For another, some of them weren't very good. It think this is one of the best of the bunch, although I don't think it's all that great. I dunno. I present it for you, my bonny droogs, for your consideration.

Gluttony

“CLETUS! CLETUS GODAMMIT GET YOUR ASS IN HERE NOW!”
Cletus looked down at the large stack of bills in his hands. Most of them were for food. What the Hell did that woman want now? He walked the short way through the kitchen to the back of their trailer. Before he could even open the door the voice bellowed again
“CLETUS YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING SACK OF DOGSHIT, I NEED YOU NOW!”
He shivered slightly and slowly opened the door. The shades were drawn but they didn’t help to keep the sun out, it just made the small room look even more brown and dirty than it already was. Gingerly stepping around piles of fast food wrappers and pizza boxes and trying not to smash any of the many families of cockroaches that had made this their home and primary source of food, he made his way to the mattress butted up against the far wall. There his wife lay, a hideous stinking blob of fat and flesh with eyes, teeth, and hair. She held a partially devoured chicken bone in one hand and her eyes were glued to a TV set that Cletus had mounted to the ceiling so she could watch her stories without having to sit up.
Good God, he thought, you can’t even see the mattress anymore. He took off his ratty truckers hat and held it gingerly between two fingers.
“Yes dear? What is it dear?”
She took a large bite off the end of a chicken leg, taking most of the bone with it, and sat crunching it. Cletus tried again.
“Yes dear? What did you want dear?” She swallowed and took a heavy breath to speak.
“Cletus, I want you to go out and get me some more chicken. And some ribs. And a triple-decker ice cream cone. And a bucket of pickles…”
Oh no, thought Cletus as she rambled on and on, food again. Why did I think it was going to be anything but food? Because of her eating habits they were flat broke. In fact they were worse than broke, they were severely in debt with no way out. He resisted the urge to tell her this because the room smelled awful and he wanted to get out as quickly as possible. She wouldn’t listen anyways, all she would do was yell about how he didn’t love her and then she would cry. He hated to see her cry.
“…and a ham sandwich, and two big macs from that place with the red haired clown that I like so much, and a carton of Twinkies. Low-fat though, I’m trying to watch my figure.” Cletus sighed.
“Yes Mary-Beth, right away dear.” He turned to leave.
“Cletus?” Her voice softened.
“Yes dear.”
“I love you honey.”
“Love you to pumpkin.”
After he left Cletus stood for a bit looking sadly at the door. What was he going to do? What the Hell were they going to do? He covered his head with his hands and sobbed softly.

She hadn’t always been like she was, otherwise Cletus never would have married her. When they had gotten hitched, she had been darn right purty lookin’. Sure she had a lazy eye and was missing a few teeth, but he was no Dean Martin himself. They had wed at one of those classy drive through chapels and had their honeymoon in a fancy Motel-6 downtown that even had dirty movies on the TV and a cement pond outside. God she looked gorgeous in that swimsuit. Cletus sat on the couch in the living space remembering how it was on their wedding night and smiled. He couldn’t go to work anymore because he had to take care of her all day. He had to bring her food and bathe her, usually with a rag on a stick, and sometimes she just got lonely and he’d sit and tell her stories his mother used to tell him when he was a kid about elves and guys in metal suits. It was stupid shit but she loved it. Well, she used to. Now all she wanted was food all damn day and night.
Shit, he thought and frowned, we can’t afford no more food at all. He would have lit a cigarette but there was no more money for those. No more money for beer, no more money for heat, no more money for water or electricity. He had borrowed from everyone he could think of, his whole damn family, had maxed out all the credit cards, had sold his truck, but it still wasn’t enough. He sat up and looked around.
I’d better git out of here before she starts yellin’ again, he thought, I don’t think I could take it.
He quietly let himself out the front door and went for a walk around the trailer park. Walking helped him think sometimes, especially when it was nice out like today. It was Sunday morning so most people were in Church, or inside watching football on TV. Cletus smiled, he missed football. Mary-Beth used to watch games with him, even though she wasn’t a big football fan, and would cheer when he cheered and curse when he cursed. Those first few years were darn right nice, then she had got fat and everything fell apart. It had happened so fast, it was only three weeks before she was too big to walk by herself and he had to buy her a ‘lectric scooter. When they had gone to Wally-Mart she had to ride in one of them motorized carts and would fill bag after bag with food. It wasn’t any different than most people there but it still made him sad to see her like that. It was another month gone by after that and she couldn’t even get out of bed. Oh my poor poor Mary Beth, he thought…
Cletus had gotten about a block away, down by the Martens when he heard her yell. He jumped about a foot out of his boots and ran as fast as his legs could carry him back to their trailer by the gate.
She was yelling so loud that his ears felt like they were going to burst, but it wasn’t any yelling like he’d ever heard before. She was screaming some kind of garbled words over and over.
“YOSOTTH OTH, GO HEELA MORTEN FOSFERATE. RYLETH CTHULU MARTRAINS YOMORNATE…”
Cletus stood looking at the hideous thing that used to be his wife, eyes now yellow and foaming at the mouth, completely at a loss what to do. Suddenly she stopped and looked at him and in a low growling voice that sounded nothing like her own said
“GET ME SOME FOOD YOU FUCKING WASTE OF SPACE, I COMMAND YOU! GO NOW!”
Cletus stuttered, “what…what do you want to…eat, there’s no more food in the in the house and we don’t have anymore money to buy any…”
“I DON’T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU BRING ME, JUST BRING ME SOMETHING TO EAT!”
“oh…okay dear…don’t worry I’ll go get you something’ real good, just hold tight now…”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET ME SOME FOOD OR YOU’LL BE SORRY, I SWEAR ON YOUR MOTHERS GRAVE YOU’LL REGRET…”
Cletus turned tail and ran as fast as he could back out the door and out into the street. When he was far enough away he slowed to a walk and started to think again.

The first person that he met that bright sunny Sunday morning was Bill the Mailman. Bill was always very cheery, a bit too cheery for Cletus. Plus he was the man who brought him bills.
“How ya doing there Clet? How’s the wife?”
Cletus looked down at the holes in his boots. “Oh, she’s doing alright I guess.” he said in a low voice.
“What was that pal? I didn’t catch that ya there.”
Cletus looked up into Bill’s shiny smiling face. “I said…” Suddenly a though hit him like a ton of bricks. It wasn’t a very nice thought, in fact it was downright evil, but he was a desperate man and it was a very good idea…
He cleared his throat. “Say uh, Bill, how’d you like to come to a little uh football party I’m having tonight?
Bill’s face lit up more than usual. “Say, that’s a good idea there Clet, I’d love to. Mind if I bring my wife along? She’s a big pigskin fan herself. “
Cletus smiled evilly, “Yeah, sure, the more the merrier and be sure to invite lots of other people. Have them be there at 7:00 sharp tonight. And bring lots of food if you can.”
Bill was positively beaming now. “Sure, thanks for the invite, boy won’t the guys down at the post office be glad to hear this, they’re always complaining that they don’t get out enough.”
And with that he turned and walked down the street. He was practically skipping. Cletus stood for a bit laughing to himself and then went door to door inviting everyone in the park.

When Cletus got home a couple hours later the first thing he did was check on Mary-Beth. She was sleeping peacefully, that was good. Then he went around and cleaned up the trailer as best he could and sat and waited for the first guests to arrive. Of course the first person to arrive was Bill with his arm around his blonde trophy wife and a six pack of beer in one hand.
He smiled, “Hey Clet…” He stopped and looked confused. “Where’s the TV?”
“Oh it’s just in the other room here” said Cletus and grabbed the beer. “Come on, I’ll show you the way.”
They walked through the kitchen and stood in front of the door at the back of the trailer. Cletus smiled,
“Just in here my good friends.”
Quickly, quicker than he thought he would be able too, he opened the door and shoved them both in. Then he stood with his back to it holding the knob, listening to them yell. Bill’s muffled voice come from behind the door.
“Okay Cletus, very funny joke now let us out. It really smells bad in here and my wife has her best dress on and…”
Suddenly there was a sound, sort of like an injured cow screaming in pain, and a large FLOP of something hitting the floor. Bill and his wife both started to scream.
“OH GOD, PLEASE LET US OUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD…”
Cletus held tightly to the door and listened to them scream, laughing to himself. Above the screams he could hear a smacking sound like wet meat hitting together and it slowly got closer and closer to the door.
“OH GOD NO, THE CAN’T BE HAPPENING, THIS CAN’T BE…”
Then there was a large snapping crunch and Bill screamed in pain and then was cut off. The crunching continued followed by a large belch, all the while Bill’s wife was screaming hysterically and clawing at the windows, which were too small for anyone to get out of anyways. The flopping sounds went away from the door and soon her screams stopped.
Cletus smiled and went back to the living room to await the rest of the guests.

Two by two and one by one they all came. Bill’s co-workers came in a large group and Cletus was scared Mary-Beth wouldn’t be able to get them all at once. Maybe they would hurt her? But it was no problem, they simply clawed at the walls and yelled while she devoured them one by one.
The Martens, The Breeches, The Shenton’s and the Pilboughs with their stupid yappy dog, they all came and were all herded to their doom. When he was sure they were all gone Cletus smiled and sat on the couch and cracked open one of Bill’s beers, breathing a sigh of relief. Hopefully she wouldn’t have to eat for a very long time now…
Suddenly he heard a loud moan. He walked over and put his ear to the door. From the confines of the back room he heard a voice say softly:
“Cletus….Cletus love…I…want…more…FOOD!!!”
He stumbled back just as she hit the door hard, breaking it down completely. All he could see was a writhing mass of fat in the doorway, fat and teeth. Tentacles of blubber reached for him, pulling him closer to its gaping maw.
“Honey pie,” it said and took a large bite out of his face. When it was through with him it broke through the sidewall of the trailer and flopped off into the night for the trailer park just down the street.

Total Drama Theater #3

2010-04-26T07:07:00.000-07:00

"That movie was pretty cool."
"Yeah, I liked when the people said things and then things happened."
"Joe?"
"Yeah?"
"Why did you grab my boob?"
"I was reaching for the popcorn bag."
"That excuse would only work if you hadn't squeezed it. Several times."
"Well...did you like it?"
"I was just wondering why you did it is all."
"You have nice boobs."
"My husband thinks so too."
"I've never seen your husband..."
"He works for the mafia. He tortures people into confessing things."
"Hm. I suppose he's real scary looking then, with lots of big bulging muscles?"
"Yup."
"You don't have to tell him what I did."
"Of course I do. I tell him everything. I tell him when I have a bowel movement or when my period flow is particularity heavy."
"So he knows we go out?"
"Yup. He's not very happy about it."
"Neither am I."
"Yeah, you're going to die a pretty painful death. I suppose the least I can give you is a blowjob."
"Really?"
"No. I will push you into traffic so that your death will be less painful though."
"Would you? Shove me in front of that Semi-truck."
"Will do." (Shove).
"Wow, that guy just didn't want to stop did he? Drivers in this city, I swear..."

Total Drama Theater #2

2010-04-26T06:59:00.000-07:00

"HEY RACHAEL!"
"Oh jeezus! You scared the crap out of me!"
"I love you!"
"....what?"
"I love you! Isn't that awesome?"
"Um, Joe...I'm married."
"So, you can get a divorce."
"Okay, not likely."
"But I love you so much! I'll do anything for you! What do you want?"
"I don't want anything! You're starting to freak me out..."
"Do you want blood? I can give you blood!"
"What? No, don't...Oh Jesus! Jesus Christ!"
"That hurt. A lot."
"I think you need to go to the hospital."
"No no no. If I do that then you won't think I'm a man. I want you to think I'm cool and strong and can provide for you and..."
"Dude, you're starting to turn pale."
(Sings) "Let's sit down by the riverside, my love for you will never die..." (Falls over.)
"Well...that was interesting. Hey! Starbucks is have a mega-sale this weekend! I'm so stoked to go! Wait. Who am I talking to?
(End Scene)

Updatez!

2010-04-21T04:01:00.000-07:00

Sorry that I haven't posted a whole lot lately. I've been working on my book a tiny bit but I've also been an unmotivated lazy ass that just wants to mess around on the Internet and watch gory horror movies to shut the voices in his head up.
I've decided that I'm not going to charge for this thing since most of the poetry it contains is right here on this site for free. So when I get it all finished I'll announce it here and you can just send me your addresses through email and I'll send you a free copy! There'll be about five new poems, and the whole thing will be about 50 pages. If I can work up the motivation to finish the damn thing...

In other news, I've thought up a little contest. I bought a brand new copy of the Library of America's collection of Lovecraft fiction and thus my old thrift store paperback collection of stories is obsolete. So...I thought maybe one of you guys would want it. All you have to do is draw or sketch a picture of Mr. H.P and send it to me by email. Best one gets a copy of the book! It contains eight stories, over 200 pages, is old and falling apart but a great intro to the king of weird fiction.

reference pictures:

Send entries and inquiries to: youngmancane_13@hotmail.com.

Thanks again to ya'll for reading!

Mix Tape Game

2010-04-18T03:46:00.001-07:00

If you can tell me what all of these have in common you win...nothing! Actually you win nerd cred. Isn't that good enough?

Sesame Street - Beginning, Middle, and End

That last one should give it away pretty easily!

PSA Super Retro-Funtime Aneurysm!

2010-04-12T03:41:00.001-07:00

I've talked a bit before about how the generation I grew up in was probably the last to have a good Saturday morning block of cartoons on several channels. (We were probably also the last to grow up at least partially without cable hookups and Internet). There's part of the Saturday Morning Cartoon experience I failed to mention though: The Public Service Announcement.
See, while we sat staring rapt at the screen in our pajamas with our bowls of sugary cereal in front of us, the folks who ran the networks were plotting to educate us! They wanted to teach us things that weren't taught in schools and they used our favorite characters to do so.
Most of these are either very narmy, disturbing, or both.

Even as a kid I thought this ad was a bit odd. I think it was the really awkward acting, or the fact that The Turtles were made up of recycled animation that doesn't match up from scene to scene. It's even weirder now because my adult logic says "Who runs around with four huge joints and just randomly offers them to people? That's a great way to get arrested." I think it's indicative of the fact that the people who make things like this have no idea how the drug game really works. See also: Reefer Madness

What a weird ad. Maybe if they had made a "Don't jack off in the back of porno theaters" PSA then Pee Wee would still have a career.

Lets go with another famous one. This one one doesn't have any notable kid's show characters, but it's still a great bit of fun:

You know what kids learn from ads like this? Hide your damn weed better!

Lets go even more retro:

I think it's meant to be scary but it seems to make a case for taking drugs rather than staying away from them.

"Gee Yogi, why is smoking so bad?"
"That's easy Boo-boo...it'll make your goddamn head come off!"

It seems like just about every kid-centric TV show and movie from the 70s to the 90s had some sort of lame PSA made with it's characters.

Case in point:

I wish they had made an episode where Lion-O got drunk and threw Snarf under a speeding bus. His voice makes me want to attack him with a ball peen hammer.

Ummm, yeah, thanks He-man! Always listen to strange men wearing fur underwear when they talk about your body.
Truthfully, I've never watched an episode of He-man or She-ra in my life, but the limited animation seems to give it a creepy uncanny valley vibe. Am I the only one that gets this from it?

Hooray for ruining Halloween by being over protective and creating unwarranted public panic! It also kind of pisses me off that they stole pieces of Garfield's Halloween Adventure. Way to take something awesome and make it lame!

And of course you can't talk about stupid PSA's aimed at kids without mentioning the infamous GI Joe spots:

Good wholesome safety tips for the whole family to take a note of!

Stay classy ya'll, and always eat your Gopher Cakes!:

More Comic Book Covers

2010-04-10T19:27:00.001-07:00

The final batch of covers. Sorry these aren't as interesting as the last ones.

What If? is a pretty cool series if you're really into comic books. It presents alternate versions of well known comic book stories and lets the writers stretch their imaginations a bit. Also, I know this cover is a reworking of a famous Amazing Spider-man cover, but I can't find it! Can anyone help?

I like this cover and it's a pretty good comic too. It's part of a continuing story where Reed Richards loses his powers and has to go back into space to get them, having to fight off the Red Ghost in the process. Dr. Doom also makes an appearance, of course. Doom is one of my favorite comic book villains. He's such an asshole, but he has no real reason to be. The Fantastic Four weren't responsible for his disfigurement, but he torments them anyways. What a prick!

A pretty tame Batman cover. Kind of a "blah" comic too.

I like how this one is a call back to the pulp magazine bondage covers of the 30s and 40s. Too bad the book itself is really lame.

And finally, something non-comic book related:

This was the insert for a 4 dollar movie I bought recently. Pretty cool eh? I love classic exploitation art. You just don't get the kind of weird and lurid stuff on movie posters that you used to.

More From Captain Bob (See Below Post)

2010-04-02T04:18:00.000-07:00

Why? What does it matter to you? You fucking white middle class bitch! You've never felt real pain! You sit in your fucking white middle class suburban home and drink your fancy expensive wine and watch brain dead TV while all of us are out here doing real work! This is hard, it tries my patience, it taxes my muscles, it burns my brain! I WILL NOT TAKE ANYMORE SHIT FROM YOU! And thus, the first thing I will do is rip your throat out with this corkscrew.

You're upside down because I want you to watch the blood as it drains down from the incisions I make in your abdomen. I want you to taste it, feel it's warmth as it flows away from you, I want you to appreciate the life that you're losing. That's all that really matters isn't it? Everything is just time wasting shit if you don't enjoy it. Too bad you have to learn that this way. *slice!*

When I was six my dad started burning me with his cigars when I was bad. Then he started doing it whenever he felt like it. Here...*scream*
That feel good? No? How about if I do it...here? *louder screams*
Hmmm, I don't think you're getting it. I want you to feel a bit of what I, and your kids, felt. How about if I put it...here? *ear splitting screams*
Oh, there it is! I love the feeling don't you? The joy of an artist when he finishes a painting that he knows is his masterwork, a novelist when he types in that last word, or a god who creates his first sheep and then fucks it. *sigh*
But you wouldn't no anything about art would you? No, I don't think so...*loud screams*

Oh the sledgehammer! Such a crude instrument, don't you think? It takes a lot of strength and energy to wield it once let alone over and over. It's a working class tool alright. I like using it, the only problem is that the job is over too quickly! There's not time to savor the screams or the look in their eyes. Just one smash and it's all done. No my friend, it's electro-shock torture for you! Why? Because I'm FUCKING IN CHARGE THAT'S WHY! Don't question me again or I'll rip your tongue out and shove it up your ass so the last thing you taste before you die is your own shit. What? How would you taste it if your tongue wasn't connected? I told you not to question me! *loud screams*

In my spare time I like to do jigsaw puzzles. Really complicated million piece ones. It keeps my artistic juices flowing between jobs. It says on your sheet here that you don't like puzzles. Why not? I don't know is never a right answer. *Buzzing, painful screams*
Why don't you like puzzles? I-I-I isn't good enough either! *Buzzing, painful screams*
WHY DON'T YOU LIKE PUZZLES?
That's not really a good enough answer, but I'l let it slide. In fact, I'll let you go! Haw haw, just kidding! You're going to die.

Time for a lunch break! Should I eat the skinny lawyer, or the fat pedophile teacher? Eh, I'll eat both and eat the leftovers for dinner. Damn this pedo has a small dick! It's almost microscopic! There goes the best part of the sandwich....

In a dark basement somewhere east of Slanasville...

2010-04-02T02:49:00.000-07:00

Hello Bill.
Where am I?
I'll ask the fucking questions thank you very fucking much.
Where am...*SMACK*
Oh god, shit!
I told you to shut the fuck up and when I tell you to do something you do it! I'm in charge here! This ain't no fucking Mickey Mouse blowjob parade! I ain't got no Cinderella costume on! Got it Billy boy? Right. I'll allow you to ask one question now.
Where...Where am I? Why am I chained to the wall?
That was two fucking questions! *SMACK* YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT LISTENING ARE YOU BILL? *SMACK* You're not at a beach blanket party jerking off into your shorts while motherfucking Buddy Holly plays on your shitty portable stereo. There ain't no 300 LB grandmas with wrinkly elbows to bring you fucking ice cream when the big bad kids kick over your sandcastle. I ain't your fucking grandma! Ask the fucking question again.
W-w-where am I?
It doesn't matter, you're going to be dead soon anyways. Do you like that word? Dad? It's very pleasant and peaceful sounding...
Oh dear sweet Jesus help me!
Jesus? Jesus was a pedophile that kidnapped little kids and dragged them off to his cave, his rape cave Bill! Didn't you read that part of The Bible? Why the fuck are you praying to pedophile rapist? I had a pedophile here one time. I shoved his cock into a meat grinder and then made him eat it.
What are you going to do to me?
*sigh* I'll let that one slide because I'm tired of yelling. My real world boss did a lot of yelling. Till I ripped his throat out with a pair of metal siding shears. Sometimes I feel like him, like his soul is living in my body. Then I get mean and start yelling. I'm not really mean. I don't do this for fun. But it has to be done. There's not two ways around it yesindeededoo!
Please let me go, please! I have a wife and kids!
Oh, really Bill? Do you think of them when you're skull fucking your secretary in those shitty motels?
I never...
I have it on tape. Do you want to see? I showed it to a friend of mine and he threw up! Fucking threw up right there in front of me! I guess that's not a big thing for you since you don't know Don, but he's even more fucked up in the head then I am! I guess seeing too much of your hairy ass and floppy weird looking balls sent him over the edge...
You can't do this YOU CAN'T!
You don't know how cliche you sound right now. You know how many people I've ripped apart in here? Didn't you notice how bad it smells? You think I like this smell? Do you think I like hearing people scream as pieces come off of them? I don't get off on this shit like a lot of people do. But it has to be done. It's my fucking JOB!
If I get out of here, you'll pay for this you sick fuck!
*sigh* You all sound the same, exactly the fucking same...wonder what I'll use on you though. Gonna take a lot of tearing since you're so goddamn fat. I like to feed my creative instincts and you certainly have a wide enough canvas for me to do that!
I'm dreaming! I've got to be! This can't be real! Why can't I wake up? Oh dear god...
Reality is a dream created and controlled by things well beyond your simple comprehension. If you were any smarter you would connect the dots and realize that I am one of their agents. You are a flaw in the system that must be dealt with in the harshest way possible.
YOU'RE INSANE!
Nope, I'm perfectly sane, this is just my job...oooh, band saw! It's trite and obvious but it's good to start with.
*sob*
One more thing before we start here. When you reach the other side and you sit in judgement before the elders, please don't lie about what you've done. You might get a small bit of time in Hell and be sent back to the system again if they think you have a chance of repenting. Probably not, but it's worth a try. Oh and this is going to hurt...a LOT!
*loud screams*

Stuff

2010-04-01T03:46:00.001-07:00

I decided to do something different tonight. What I post up here is pretty much dependent on the kind of mood I'm in and I'm in a strange mood tonight. Actually, I've been in a strange mood all week but tonight I feel really weird. Maybe it's just frustration getting to me again. I think, like anybody, that when faced with things that I'd rather not deal with I escape into fantasy, but my fantasies are always dark and weird. I want to run around fighting evil sickening things with various sharp instruments, blowing up living dead creatures with dynamite, and drill holes in Al Gore's head to find out of there really is a tiny alien inside his brain controlling him. Yeah, I 'm not quite right. I've come to accept that.
So anyways...some stuff.

3 Freaky Songs:
From the Halloween (2007) Soundtrack:

I love how subtly creepy this version is, plus it's beautiful. It deserved to be in a better movie than Rob Zombie's Halloween that's for sure.

I could have put up a lot of songs from The Marshall Mathers LP but I think this one is just freaky enough with out crossing the line into unleaded nightmare fuel like Kim. Plus it has the line "Put your hands down bitch, I ain't gonna shoot you, I'm gonna pull you to this bullet and put it through you!" Awesome.

You know the story behind this song? Sabbath's guitarist, Tony Iommi, woke up one night, thought he saw a demon sitting on the end of his bed, and freaked the fuck out. Knowing that makes the song so much creepier. "Oh no no, please god help me!"

Random Thing:
My friend told me today that when she was in college she had people coming up to her all the time asking where the rest of the Mexicans were at and where to get good tequila. She's third generation Mexican-American and doesn't have a trace of an accent.

And finally, another Nightmare Theater/Family Circus mashup I made in MS Paint:

And one with Skadi!:

(Skadi and Kimbo are here: http://dummcomics.com/ of course)

Putting this super secret (not really) thing together, hope to have it done this weekend!
Peace!

More Comic Book Ads

2010-03-31T06:05:00.000-07:00

Alright, lets start off with another infamous series of comic book ads:

I love how lame the villains are in all of these, you just know these were written by ad executives, but they look just like real comics!

There doesn't seem to be too much funny about this one, but look closer:

First off, that doesn't look like a kid's room in the big panel. It looks like a living room! Look at how fucking smug the kid looks in the "door" panel. You know he just stuck that somewhere he wasn't supposed to. The "notebook" is probably his sister's diary, the lunchbox looks like it's his dad's...and of course he stuck Green Arrow and Green Lantern on his parent's car! This kid is a brat and seeing as how spanking wasn't as frowned upon as it is now, probably got his ass beat pretty hard.

Ah, Sea Monkey's. Another well known comic book scam:

Do they even sell these anymore? Everyone and their grandmother knows it's just fucking brine shrimp. You can buy them at pet stores to feed to certain kinds of fish for crying out loud!

Another muscle ad:

Damn is this one gay looking! I wonder how many 90 LBS nerds bought this only to have it smack them in the face and take out an eye? Check out a pre-movie fame Ahnuld down by the send in square.

Another muscle ad, the books I have are full of them:

Build your muscles by jamming dynamite into them!

This one is interesting for a few reasons:

One, I would have totally sent away for this. Two, this was probably released to capitalize on the then upcoming horrible King Kong remake. Third, it mentions Queen Kong, a movie so bad that it never received theatrical release and was only really seen by anybody when it recently came out on DVD! (Which I'm going to rent soon, of course.)

For some reason there's a lot of ads for Slim Jims too:

I had always thought that Slims were a 90s thing, but I guess I was wrong. Check out the ad for "grit" too. Don't sell seeds holiday cards or any of that junk, sell grit! You'll be able to take Suzy to the roller rink in no time!

And now we have what I like to call "buy crazy shit":

I would totally have blown all my allowance on this stuff when I was a kid. Sadly, all of these ads seem to have gone away after awhile. I have a couple 90s comic books that just have video game ads in them. Its Kind of sad really. Where will today's kids get exploding pens, hypno-coins, and x-ray specs? Where I ask you, WHERE?

And finally, Wendy wants you to join the female branch of the Hilter Youth:

Apparently signing up turns you a nice healthy shade of blueish-green!

I'll end with this unrelated clip, which you should watch because it's awesome.

(From Maniac! (1934))

Not sure what I'm going to put up tomorrow night. Probably the rest of the covers. I don't think I'm legally allowed to post up full comics am I? If anyone has any idea, let me know!

Harvey Comics, Another Ad, and Nightmare Fuel

2010-03-30T03:09:00.000-07:00

I hadn't really heard much about Richie Rich other than the horrible live action movie that came out in the 90s that starred Macaulay Culkin and this conversation from The Simpsons:

Lisa: Hurry, mom! If we don't get to the convention soon, all the good comics will be gone!
Bart: Ah, what do you care about good comics? All you every buy is Casper the Wimpy Ghost.
Lisa: I think it's sad that you equate friendliness with wimpiness, and I hope it'll keep you from ever achieving true popularity.
Bart: Well, you know what I think? I think Casper's the ghost of Richie Rich.
Lisa: Hey! They do look alike.
Bart: I wonder how Richie died.
Lisa: Perhaps he realized how hollow the pursuit of money is and took his own life.
Marge: Kids, could you lighten up a little?

So I was mildly curious about him. Mildly.

(This issue has lots of pretty lame references to Happy Days. This would have been around the time that Harvey was in decline so maybe they were trying to rope the kids in by trying to be hip?)

Richie Rich, like all Harvey Comics Characters, is a one gag character. While Casper's gag is that he scares the fuck out of people but doesn't mean to and Little Lotta's is that she is fat, Richie's thing is that he's rich. He's rich and uses money to get out of tough situations.
Other than the occasional unintentionally sexual gag

it's pretty darn bland. He was Harvey's most popular character though and to be fair, the comics were aimed at little kids. I suppose the fact that he's rich but not snobbish was enough to endure him to a whole generation. But that's where Harvey's genius lies. They knew what kids wanted. They knew that the stories just had to be simple with characters that their readers would either want to be or hang out with, and they ran with it for 40 some years. So, while I wouldn't read these comics everyday, I can appreciate them for what they were.

For a really good history of Harvey Comics and it's impact on a generation of kids (Way better than I could hope to write), please go here: http://www.english.ufl.edu/imagetext/archives/v3_3/jackson/

And now for some Casper:

Jesus, what the Hell is that?

Casper wants to suck your soul out through your nose!

I'm saving the really weird ads for tomorrow night. Here's a movie related one.
Can anyone tell me who the artist is that might have drawn this?:

I just know it's in the style of one of the usual gang of idiots from Mad, but I can't seem to recall which one!

And finally, something completely unrelated:

via videosift.com
Ray Bradbury is one of my favorite authors ever. He's had a huge impact on pop culture, but he always seems to get stiffed when it comes to film adaptations of his work. They tend to range from okay to freakin' terrible. This Russian short is pretty damn good, but it misses out on a lot of the subtle creepiness and aching sadness of the original story and instead goes for the throat with some pretty heavy handed imagery. The one scene that I think it does do right though is when the robot wakes up the family at the beginning. I would love to see an animated adaptation that would stick closer to the original story. Actually, I think a lot of his work would be amazing if handled by the right animation studio.

My computer is being a douche tonight and there's something else I need to work on, so I bid you all good night and many happy nightmares!

New Scanner, Comic Book Scans, and a Secret Project

2010-03-29T04:48:00.000-07:00

So I finally bought a scanner. Actually it's a scanner/printer/fax machine/coffee maker. Just kidding about the last one, but it's spiffy to say the least.
And this past week a family member sent me a stack of old comics that she got from a flea market. I'll be posting up the covers for each all week as well as some weird ads.

Here's the first. Action Comics No. 415, Aug 1972:

It's a pretty silly filler comic, the kind thats amusing but doesn't add anything to the universe's continuity and introduces characters you'll never see again. It does have huge killer amoebas though.

And here we have what's possibly the most famous ad in comic book history, Charles Globe wants to make you a man! Er, I mean Charles Atlas:

And here's my remix:

I now invite you to make your own!

Related song:

Now that I have an honest to gosh printer, I'm going to be embarking on a little project this weekend. You can probably guess what it's going to be, but I still won't say exactly.

More comic stuff tomorrow!

Farewell Love

2010-03-28T08:56:00.000-07:00

"Farewell my little darling
I can't stay any more
The night will be down soon
And I must leave from your door
Though it pains me to leave
Please don't grieve for me
On my long journey homeward
I'll will think but of thee

Farewell my lovely lady
Please do not cry
There's been harder goodbyes
Than between you and I
When time is spent so well
It's the reason it flies
Farewell my only true love
Please dry your eyes

Farewell my pretty Nancy
I must be off soon
To trek that long road
By the light of the moon
As soon as I am able
I will come back to you
From Hell I would come back
To keep my word true"

She watched as her true love
Went over the hill
It was days before he came back
One night when it was still
She heard a loud knock
And she ran to the door
When she saw who had made it
She fell to the floor
Her lover had come back
His promise was true
Except now he had no head
What was she to do?

Influences and mood setters for this piece:

Cool Music Stuff

2010-03-27T07:11:00.000-07:00

Ian at We Flew Airplanes put up some cool music vids in a recent post and since I haven't written anything I've felt like posting lately, I thought I'd post up some of the musics that I've been listening to as of late.

I posted these previously on a blog I started (and ended up deleting) but I thought I'd post them again here since I've been immersing myself in 1940s music and culture lately:

Paper Doll is quickly becoming one of my favorite songs ever and the video is kind of wonderfully weird isn't it?

Of course you can't talk about the music of the 1940s without Glenn Miller can you?

Exploding out of almost nowhere with a string of massively popular hits songs, Miller is still what most people think of when you mention 1940s jazz and swing music.
Part of his enduring legacy might be the fact that he vanished without a trace at the height of his popularity but anyone with a good ear can probably pick out a few other reasons why. For one thing, his band is fucking tight. One reason I love listening to his orchestra is because of how well they interact and play off of each other. That and the songs are just classy all the way and class never goes out of style. Well, at least it shouldn't.
But anyways...goddamn those Nicholas Brothers could dance couldn't they? I've never seen anyone do the stuff the do. It's like they're puppets on strings sometimes.

And now for something a bit different:

It's obviously staged but still a fascinating glimpse into a whole different world. I don't have much else to say about it other than that it makes me happy and sad at the same time.

And finally, to finish off, Johnny Marvin sings and plays his uke:

Oh heck, one more:

Hooray for Andy Devine!

I wish you all a great weekend and a fun and interesting rest of the week!

Wormwood

2010-03-24T07:22:00.000-07:00

Wormwood sits in his special place
Picking scabs from off his face
Chewing them silently he smiles
Rotten teeth that go on for miles
Wormwood thinks that you are cool
Would like to meet you after school
I hope you don't mind his ringworm head
Or the fact that he smells like something dead
Wormwood is cool, his style is hip
Wormwood will gladly take your shit
He'll smile as you rant and yell
And laugh as tell him to go to hell
Break his bones
Slam his face in a door
Wormwoods seen it all before
He claims that pain just ain't no thang
You just gotta roll with what life can brang
Wormwoods hip
Wormwoods cool
Wormwood knows he ain't no fool
Wormwood says you're his best friend
Together till the very end
Wormwood would like to cook you some food
Don't say no, it would be rude
Off in the kitchen he makes for you
A very special kind of stew
Is that a finger floating there?
Wormwood doesn't seem to care
Was that a groan coming from the next room?
You say you have to be leaving soon
Wormwood says your plate's not clean
You're the rudest person he's ever seen
He says that you are very bad
For making poor old Wormwood mad
You better make the door pretty quick
Wormwood is tired of all your shit

Stranded

2010-03-23T03:48:00.000-07:00

Based on a story that used to freak me out when I was a kid, mixed with a recent personal experience.

I was dreaming that Kim and I were having sex. I had that dream a lot but this one was weird because we were having sex in our World History II class. I watched myself go down on her, kissing her breasts and stomach before diving into the forbidden area, where girls aren't supposed to go with other girls. It didn't really seem unnerving to me to see our professor watching us, maybe if he had looked excited or pervy, but he just looked bored. Suddenly Kim was gone and I was standing in front of him, still naked.
"Lydia, you need to wake up." He said in Kim's voice. I looked at him, puzzled at a woman's voice coming out of a 50 year old man.
"Lydia, you need to wake up right now, seriously!" Then everything faded away...

We were still on the bus. My sleep addled brain tried to figure out how that was possible. Maybe I hadn't slept as long as I had thought. Panicked, I lifted my head up from Kim's lap and looked out the window. Instead of the streets and buildings of a town or city, all I could see was trees.
"Kim, where..." I said started.
"We both fell asleep we missed out stop." Kim interrupted.
"How many stops did we miss?"
"The fuck if I know." Said Kim, pulling out the bus map from her backpack.
I looked around the bus while she ran her finger over the map. The bus was empty except for one dirty looking old man, probably homeless, sleeping hunched over with his head in his lap. I looked out the window again, just trees and more trees, and a full moon that just made it look lonelier than it would normally. Panic welled up inside me again. What if we did get lost out here and no one ever found us again?
I looked at Kim. She was bent over with the map on her legs, her head almost touching it. Her thick brown hair was matted and tangled from traveling for two days with no shower. When she looked up, she looked calm, like usual. The few times that I've seen her excited or angry were the times that I've really been scared. I calmed down a bit.
"I know where we are." She said. God did she looked tired. I bet I look worse though, I thought. She pointed at the map.
"We're four whole stops past Esquire."
"You think we can catch a bus back?"
"No, I think this is the last bus, the line stops running at 1 AM. Wherever this next stop is, I think we just need to get a hotel for the night and try to catch one in the morning."
I sighed. Not too bad of a situation, at least we could shower and sleep in an actual bed for once. This trip had been fun, but had taken a lot out of us too. I imagined our car sitting in the parking lot in Esquire, by the McDonald's where we had left it. The place would be closed by now, it's windows dark, the only light shining down from a street lamp and the moon. We could be in that car right now, I thought. For some reason this made me sad. I looked around the bus again, this time at the driver. All I could see was the shadow of his head behind the grating that cut him off from the rest of the bus. He probably has a home he wants to get to as well, I thought, poor guy.
Kim looked like she was going to fall asleep again. I shook her awake.
"I'm okay" She mumbled, "I was just resting my eyes."
I laughed. "That might work on Mrs. Mirra, but it's not..." I trailed off.
The bus had stopped. The driver turned around and yelled through the grating. His face was still a darkened shape that I couldn't see very well..
"LAST STOP, EVERYBODY OFF!" He yelled so loud that it made me jump. The dirty old man woke up and started to shamble off the bus. Kim calmly picked up her back pack and stood up. I did the same and we walked off the bus, into the freezing cold night. I tried to get a glimpse of the driver as I walked past but I still couldn't see him, just a strange dark shape hunched over the steering wheel...

"Did you bring your hoodie?" Kim asked as we stood on the bus station steps.
"Yeah, I'll put it on." I said, slipping my coat off. The old man took out a bundle of newspapers from under his coat and laid them on the ground. Then he laid down, covered himself with more, and then fell asleep.
Even with my hoodie and thick jacket on, I was still cold. The early March wind found every way possible to get at you and bite your skin.
"Of course we had to get dropped in the middle of nowhere. Just our fucking luck." Kim grumbled.
It really was nowhere. The road that lead away on both sides was lined with trees and that was all there was.
"There's got to be a town around here somewhere." I said, "It doesn't make sense for a bus to stop where there's no people."
"Well this one does apparently."
I sighed and turned to look into the darkened window of the bus station. It was a very small building. I could see a ticket counter and some seats and not much else. Kim tried the doors.
"It's fucking locked." She said and gave the doors a hard kick that echoed under the metal awning. The old man didn't move.
"There's got to be a town around here somewhere," I said again, looking down the road to the left. "And we can't stay here, or we'll freeze."
"Fuck" said Kim loudly. "I hate when shit like this happens!" She sounded mad, but like usual, her face didn't look it. She gave the station door another hard kick and sighed.
"Oh well, we might as well get going." She said and started to walk down the road. I followed. The dim light of the station receded into the distance and soon it was gone after we trecked up a large hill...

"So a dog walks into a bar.."
"Yeah."
"And he asks for a drink. The bartender says 'toilets around the corner.'"
Kim chuckled. "That was stupid." She paused. "Got anymore?"
"Why couldn't Bill Clinton blow out his birthday candles?"
She laughed again. "I don't know, why?"
"Because he doesn't inhale."
She snorted. "Where do you come up with these stupid jokes?"
"I used to read lots of them when I was a kid."
Kim didn't reply and I looked into the trees we were walking past. The still darkness underneath them unnerved me. I kept imagining things moving under there, waiting to spring out at us and drag us into their lairs to feed...
"Hey," I said, "Do you remember when we were in high school..."
"Yeah, I remember high school, don't you?"
I laughed. "Shut up. Do you remember when you put a tack on Mrs. Garcia's seat?"
Kim laughed louder. "Yeah, oh god..."
"And when she got up it was stuck in her ass and she didn't notice it?"
"You were the one that told me to do that, remember?" She said, laughing.
"Yeah but we didn't get in trouble for that one. Remember when you dared me to throw that chicken patty up in the vent and I did right as Mr. Dunbar walked into the lunch room?"
"And it fell right on his head? I almost died laughing!"
"I almost died too, but not from laughing!" I paused and waited for her to get quiet again. "I'll never forget what you did for me though."
"Well it was my idea and I didn't want to see you get in trouble."
"Can I tell you something?"
"Sure, of course."
"That was when I really fell in love with you for the first time."
Kim was quiet again.
"Oh Lydia. Why did it take you so long to tell me?" She asked after a bit.
"I...I...just..." Kim cut me off.
"Look, there's a light up ahead." She pointed down the road.
And there was, it was far off but there it was....

Kim looked puzzled.
"Why would there be a hotel all the way out here?" She asked.
"There's probably a town further down the road. And who cares why? It's freezing."
The light that we had seen was coming from the the hotel's neon sign.
"PINE WOOD'S HOTEL." It said. In smaller letters underneath was "able TV, no ool, no pets." And under that a darkened "VACANCY" sign. Kim walked up and knocked on the door. It seemed like forever before her knock was answered. The middle aged woman who opened the door looked mean.
"What do you want?" She barked and held her robe closed against the cold. "Don't you now what time it is?"
Kim looked puzzled again. "Um, we got stranded by the bus and need a room for the night. We have money to pay..."
"Stupid kids," said the old woman, "The damn thing only runs till 1 AM."
Now Kim looked annoyed. "Yeah we found that out, are you going to give us a room or not?"
The old lady stepped back. She looked shocked, and then annoyed, but she opened the door and let us into the small check-in area. We heard her mutter something about 'common decent folk's bed times' as she fumbled around behind the desk for a key, throwing it on the counter.
I reached for it and she grabbed my hand. I could feel her bony fingers digging into my skin.
"Money first!" She barked and let go. I quickly withdrew my hand. I went and sat in a worn out easy chair while Kim paid. The hotel owner had seriously given me the creeps and I didn't want to look at her again. I thought about how glad I was that Kim was with me. I don't know what I would have done without her...

The room was small but comfortable. And very warm. We stripped down for bed without saying anything. I fell asleep listening to Kim breathe next to me, tightening the cheap blankets down around my body...
When I woke up the bedside clock said 3 AM. Kim was singing quietly.
"And I'll be waiting on the far side banks of Jordan..."
I looked over at her but the room was pitch dark and I couldn't see anything.
"I'll be sitting drawing pictures in the sand..."
"Kim..." I whispered softly.
"And when I see you coming, I will rise up with a shout...."
"Kim what are you doing?"
"And wade in through the shallow waters, reaching for your hand..."
I elbowed her in the ribs but she kept singing.
"If it proves to be his will that I am first to go..."
I shoved the pillow over my head, but I could still hear her.
"And somehow I've a feeling it will be..."
I started to get mad.
"Kim, what the Hell? Shut up!" I yelled and slammed my head back down on the pillow. Everything was quiet, except the wind outside, which was howling now. I fell asleep again....

When I woke up the second time, the clock said 7:30. The room was still pitch dark. I looked over at kim, all I could see was the dark shape of her back. I got up and walked over to the bathroom. When I came back, she hadn't moved. I grabbed her shoulder and shook it to try and wake her. She didn't move. This was pretty normal, she was a hard sleeper. I flicked on the bed side light, which usually woke her up.
I didn't scream right away. I thought I might have been dreaming. But when I grabbed her and turned her over, it hit me full force and I shrieked until I couldn't anymore.
Her pillow was soaked in blood. And Kim didn't have a head.

Music Monday

2010-03-22T03:59:00.000-07:00

Trying to cheer myself up on a shitty Monday. It's rain snowing outside. That's not a typo, rain and snow are coming down at the same time. Bleh, thats what I say. I'm going to go through most of what I've been listening to lately. Some of it you might like, some of it you might not.

I don't usually like these viral remix things but this one is brillant:

And that is what I think of Billo the Clown and Fox News in a nutshell: A joke widely deserving of ridicule.

I'll warn you about the next one, black metal is not for everybody!

Saw these guys live at a metal festival this past weekend, they put on a damn good show!

This song has been stuck in my head since watching The Cat Returns on Sunday night:

I have a weakness for uke, what can I say?

Speaking of which...

And finally, I'll finish with an epic:

I had Weird Al in 3-D on cassette as a kid and I've probably listened to all the songs on it about a billion times but for some reason I'm just starting to really appreciate this one, the album's closer. On top of taking on cheesy slasher films, it's also a brilliant rip on Kansas and other prog rock acts of the 70s. Listen to Point of No Return (Kansas) and I think you'll agree with me.

I'm anticipating another long boring week. Bleh, again. I'll have to think up something interesting to post. I get desperate when I get really bored, which helps. I just wish my job didn't make me so tired all the time!

So what was the coolest thing that you guys did last week?

Edit: Almost forgot!

Been listening to a lot of Iron Maiden and Judas Priest lately because the only Internet radio station that isn't blocked at work plays them a lot on it's heavy metal channel. That and the simple fact that they're awesome!

Brain Doodles

2010-03-18T05:43:00.000-07:00

When I close my eyes I see...

A female android. She is very old. She was originally made to look very beautiful and probably served drinks at lavish parties. Now most of her skin is gone, revealing a disconcerting mix of rusting servos and wires. She wears a tattered blue dress that was probably also very pretty looking when it was new. When she speaks it's just garbled electronic sounds. Too bad, it would be interesting to hear her back story.

A dog. Dead, or at least it should be. Most of it's face has been torn away revealing white skull. One eye is gone. It's standing in front of a porch and a very frightened young boy in dirty overalls. His dad is coming out of the house with a shot gun.

A girl on her knees throwing up. Some one is holding her long blonde hair out of her eyes. It's night and the moon is out but it's glow is lessened by the lights of several cars nearby. It looks like they stopped so she could throw up. I can see woods in the background. She stops throwing up, tries to stand, and doubles over again, this time puking up blood. Her friends back up in revulsion, including the one that was holding her hair. She gets up again, runs over to one of them, a guy wearing a douchey goatee and backwards cap, and bites into his cheek, tearing his face away as he screams.

A mentally retarded boy sitting alone in his room eating cockroaches. He slams handfuls of them into his mouth, chews, and then laughs, spitting legs and shell pieces from his mouth of broken teeth. From somewhere downstairs comes the sound of Wheel of Fortune playing on TV and someone clapping along with the studio audience. A roach crawls out of the boy's mouth, plops onto the ground, and he slams it with his fist, laughing as juice gooshes out, staining the shitty carpet.

Band names: Dead Elvis Cereal. Alexander's Fun Time Rape Band. Coercive Sex Maniacs. Brain Dead Billy and the Projectile Vomiters.

Will You Play With Madness? Part 3

2010-03-18T03:34:00.001-07:00

You grab onto the lock and pull as hard as you can. The rotted wood breaks easily and you find yourself lying on the ground with the lock in your hand. You sit up right as the doors slowly swing open on their rusty hinges.
You walk up and look into the barn. It's very musty smelling inside, a heady mix of old hay and long gone animal shit. As walk inside and your feet leave tracks on the dusty floor.
Aside from the rusty tractor, the barn is mostly empty. You walk past several small patches of hay to the back of the barn where there is a ladder leading up to the loft.
You start to climb the ladder.
The barn didn't look that big from the outside but you climb for what seems like hours and never get to the top. You look down and all you can see is darkness. You look up and see the same. You start to panic and let out a small scream. It is answered by laughter that seems to be coming from inside of your head. Suddenly you are on solid ground encased by darkness on all sides.
You hear the laughter again and the darkness evaporates from around you. It's very gloomy but you can still see. You are standing in what you assume is the barn's hay loft. In front of you is a figure draped in a black cloak. A helmet, adorned by large curvy horns covers his face. In his left hand is some sort of long staff that has a very nasty looking sharp hook on the end.
"Welcome," He says in a very deep voice, "I am the black mage. I bid you sit."
A chair appears out of the gloom and what feels like a hand pushes down on your head forcing you to sit.
"I'm glad you made it this far. Not everyone does." Says the mage. Looking at him, you realize that there's no face behind his helmet. Only darkness.
"Where am I?" You ask.
"You haven't talked to any of the witches have you?" He asks and sparks flash behind the holes in his helmet.
"No, I..." You start.
"Or the mutants? Or the light mage?" His voice sounds angry now. Sparks crackle and pop inside his head. He stands up and pokes the hook into your ribcage. "TELL ME!" He bellows.
"No, I haven't, honest..." You sputter. The mage laughs and sits back down.
"It's just as well. I'm more powerful than any of them, I would have found out eventually."
"Where...where am I?" You ask nervously. The mage laughs again, harder this time.
"Oh, don't you know? Haven't you figured it out yet? Silly boy you are. You're inside your own brain!" He laughs again, so loud it makes your head hurt.

What will you do? There doesn't appear to be a way out of the loft so you'll have to say something to the mage or ask him a question. You could try attacking him, but I wouldn't advise it...

Favorite Songs of this Week and Part of Last

2010-03-16T06:37:00.000-07:00

Bit of a song I wrote, abandoned for sucking
I wanted to dance
But they said no dancing
I wanted to sing
But they said "none of that"
I wrote a song but they took it from me
They gave me a gun and a for my head a tin hat
They told me my job was to kill people
And they sent me off to war
I served and I killed with my comrades
All of us wretched poor
When I got home I did not feel like singing
I could't dance because I had no feet
But I'll write as long as I have hands
I will not accept defeat

Will You Play WIth Madness? Part 2

2010-03-15T19:15:00.000-07:00

You sit down with your back against the rotted old tree and start digging through your candy bag. You pull out a pice of taffy, unwrap it, and pop it in your mouth. As you bite down your mouth fills with a bitter tasting fluid and you spit onto the ground. Lying in a puddle of nasty green gunk is some sort of large insect, struggling to crawl away as it's life ebbs thanks to the crack you have put in it's shell. You open your candy bag again and start up in horror as the insects and centipeds inside squeal and buzz. The bag tips over and they crawl out, making a straight line for you. You run as fast as you can through the open field, heedless of where you are going. You trip on what appears to be a rabbit hole and fall. You cover your head and scream as the bugs swarm over you, inserting themselves into your ears, nose and mouth. You can feel their legs scratching up inside your head, their mouth parts searching for the tender meat of your brain....
You open your eyes. It is a bright sunny day. You are lying in a field of grass staring up at the cloudless blue sky. You sit up. There is not an insect in sight.
You stand up and wince as pain radiates up your leg from your now swollen ankle. You turn and look back the way you have come. The house and the tree are gone, now there's only open field where they used to be.
You turn and look at the old barn, now closer in front of you then you thought it was when you turned away from it. It's ancient looking and leaning slightly to one side. You limp up to it and look through the holes in it's boards. It's dark inside but light filters through holes in the roof and sides. There is what appears to be an old tractor rusting away in the center. All you can see behind it is darkness.
You step away and limp around to the other side looking for a door. You find it, but there's an ancient looking padlock on it. It wouldn't be hard to get off though. There's also a rope hanging down that appears to lead up to the hay loft. It's not very sturdy looking.
What will you do?

Will You Play With Madness? Part 1

2010-03-13T22:51:00.000-08:00

You are standing in front of an old farmhouse. You have no idea how you got there. You remember trick or treating with your friends last night but you can't seem to recall at what point you blacked out. You are still wearing your Where the Wild Things Are costume and are holding your bag of candy in your left hand.
It is a sunny spring day, birds are chirping in the trees and the wind blows softly bringing you the smell of hay and wet soil. The house looms large in front of you, it's windows dark. A rocking chair slowly moves back and forth on the porch and the door is hanging open off it's hinge. From where you're standing you can see a stairwell that leads up and a hallway leading to a closed door.
On your immediate left is a large tree, dead and rotting. Past that is a field containing an old barn and beyond that is thick woods.
Off to your right is what looks like a half finished garage. It's new looking timbers stick out of the ground and lay in piles, contrasting harshly with the rot and decay of everything else around them. Past that is another overgrown field and beyond that you can just make out another house of some sort on the horizon.
A driveway leads away from the "garage" to a gravel road. Beyond the road is more thick trees.
At your feet is some sort of wood lid. It is incredibly rotted and full of holes. All you can see through the holes is darkness.
It is a beautiful sunny day, not a cloud anywhere, but still a shiver crawls up your spine. This feels wrong. What is this place? How did you get here?
What will you do?

We Don't Go to Carol's House Anymore

2010-03-12T01:43:00.000-08:00

What's in the toolbox Carol?
Don't open it.
Why not?
I don't like it.
Why?
One time I opened it and there was something bad in there.
Pictures of naked people?
No.
What was it?
The front of my room is gone.
What was in the toolbox?
It was there yesterday, but it was gone when I got up this morning.
What was the bad thing in the toolbox Carol?
It's raining really hard outside. I don't like it. And I don't like the smell of this garage.
It smells like a regular garage. I'm going to open the toolbox.
I woke up last night and someone was staring at me. I couldn't see him very well, just his eyes. I was too scared to scream. The lightening flashed from the storm and he disappeared.
There's a lock on it. Where's the key?
I have it. You're not getting it.
Your dad has to have a saw somewhere in here.
I walked into my parents room and they were gone. I got really scared and fell down on my knees and cried and cried.
Here's a bolt cutters, this'll work.
I stood up and turned around and suddenly I was in the garage staring at that toolbox.
Shit, almost had it that time.
Please don't swear, my mom will get mad.
Where are your parents anyways?
I told you, I woke up last night and they were gone. I haven't seen them since.
Then why do you care if I swear?
I know they're hear somewhere. I can feel them watching us.
You're starting to creep me out Carol.
This house isn't good. I tried to tell my parents that when we moved in but no one believed me. Now they paid for it. My punishment is coming soon.
Alright, I got the lock off.
I don't want to see...
There's nothing in here but rusty tools.
There was a head in there last night when I looked. And an arm. And a foot but no legs. The head looked like it was screaming but no sound was coming out. It blinked at me and I shut the lid.
I think I'm going to go home now Carol.
You can't go. You can't leave me all alone here.
Let me go Carol!
Look in the toolbox again. Look harder.
I don't see anyth...

The Scorpions: Kings of Bad Album Covers

2010-03-11T03:01:00.000-08:00

Hello all you lovers of bad art!
I wanted to do a piece tonight on bad heavy metal covers but then I discovered The Scorpions and I'm still having a hard time picking my jaw up off the floor. They're a band that's been around for a long time and they've managed to put out bafflingly bad covers throughout their whole career.
Lets start from the beginning shall we?

Their first album isn't too bad really. It kind of sets the tone for the rest of them though: poorly made and not making a whole lot of sense.

Then we get to their second. Words fail me. I'll just let you enjoy it and try to figure out what the Hell it's supposed to be on your own.

I actually kind of like the cover for their third album. It reminds me of exploitation film posters a little bit. Of course the nipple was censored in quite a few countries. What do people have against nipples anyways?

Then we get to their fourth album. You might want to prepare yourself.

This is the original cover:

This is the point where my jaw hit the floor. Not that I have anything against nudity but this is so tasteless that it's almost genius. Having a naked twelve year old girl on your cover is sketchy enough but calling it Virgin Killer hurtles it over the bad taste line into something else entirely. Something creepy that I'd rather not think about. Of course it was banned in almost every country imaginable (except Japan of course) and this was offered up as an alternative:

Not really offensive, but you think they could have at least changed the title? It's almost as bad with a bunch of sketchy looking dudes on it.

So after the controversy caused by their last album, The Scorps decided to put out an innocent one that would slip entirely under the radar:

Personally I don't see whats so bad about it, but people got pissy and again an alternate was offered:

Oh yeah, that's so much better. Again, couldn't the title have been changed? The Scorpions want to take me by force and it freaks me out!

Again, I am speechless. I...don't get it. I just hope that's gum and not what I think it's supposed to be.

Do you remember in This is Spinal Tap where they're talking about the controversial art work that causes their new album to be released with an all black cover, no title or anything? This is what they were referencing:

While this awful sexist crap was controversial, no alternate cover was actually released. I guess showing the female body is bad enough for censorship but showing them being treated like dogs is A-OK!

Not controversial, but just freakin' weird. What the Hell is going on here?

This one isn't too bad. It's actually kind of tasteful, as tasteful as you're going to get here anyways. Of course someone complained and an alternate was issued with just the band on the cover (Not even worth posting up). Ah Wal-mart, blandness = profit!

With a title like Savage Amusement, you think they could have come up with some pretty insane cover art, but nope. This one's pretty darn tame.

As are the next two in their discography:

You'd think that they were getting old and resting on their laurels, but then they came out in 1996 with this:

It must have sounded like a good idea on paper at least. It looks like they made the damn thing in Photoshop! (This is what we got in the US, by the way.)

I'm not even going to post the boring "head's of the band members" cover from 1999. Lets move on to 2000 when The Scorps rode the trend started by Metallica of recording with a full orchestra:

Again, there's no words for this. No words at all.

In 2001 they released another gimmick album, this time an unplugged one called Acoustica:

And in 2007 they released Humanity: Hour I

These two aren't offensive at all, just strange as Hell. What do they mean? Do they have any connections? If I stare at them long enough will Jesus come down on a flying Pong arcade machine and tell me that the secret of life is to never forget to drink my Ovaltine out of a Fred Fintstone jelly glass? I've been considering these too long, I'm losing my mind!

Alright, back to sanity. 2010 saw the release of Sting in the Tail and a shockingly not crappy or crude or weird cover:

It's like they said (in German probably): "We're old as shit now and no one's going to buy our album anyways. Lets make a cover that doesn't garner us any unwanted attention in the media!" I guess the lesson learned here is that old people just don't like to rock the boat, despite their pasts.

But, hey! We're not done yet. We still have a few compilation albums! Yep, every band or artist that's had even a few hits (and some that have had one or less) put these out. It's a way to wring a few more bucks out of die-hard fans who want to get that one song that's not going to be released anywhere else and give casual fans something quick to buy. The Scorps are no exception. And of course, they have to be insanely crude:

I suppose that's not too bad, especially when you consider what they got in Japan:
Sorry, this is one of the few places I could find a decent size picture of this!

Here's Deadly Sting which came out in 1997:

What's with the stinging women motif's in these?
Here's the clean version:

On second thought...put the woman back. Without her the picture is kind of unnerving don't you think?

And finally we have Bad For Good: The Very Best of the Scorpions which came out in 2002:

I think I know what they were going for here, but they wussed out at the last second. (Hint: I think the guy's head is supposed to be lower.)

So there you have it, a gallery of tastelessness, misogyny, and confusion from Germany. Still, none of these can compare with what I think is the most tasteless cover ever, from a band that I actually really like: (Click here at your own risk!)

Happy nightmares!

Edit: Here's the back cover to Lovedrive (Pointed out by Justin):

I...still don't get it.

Puke (You Make Me Sick)

2010-03-09T06:59:00.000-08:00

A response of sorts to Plastics by John-Michael Morgan.

Flee from me female
Your head is full of air
Your plastic skin makes me sick
I hate your bleached out hair
You act like you're so holy
You're up and we're all down
But we all know you're the town bar
And everyone's had a round

Someday you'll get what you deserve
When some guy knocks you up
He'll lay you low and drag you down
Then you'll be shit out of luck

It makes me laugh but I still feel sick
Every time that you walk by
Every time you talk out loud
And spit in someone's eye
So I'm going to say it right to your face
It's the least that I can do
I hate you more than Hitler
You make me fucking puke