Doug Not So Funny

Patty stepped out her front door into the cold grey November day. It was colder than she had thought and she was glad to have bundled up as much as she did. It hadn’t snowed yet so all the chill hung in the air making it colder than it should have been. She hugged her arms around her chest and watched her breath float in the air. Roger was late as usual. Roger was always late. As she stared down the street to see if she could see his car, her mind started to wander, first to her upcoming sixteenth birthday party, then to the big math test she had that day, and finally her thoughts came back, like they always did, to Doug. Goddamn Doug…
When they had first started dating he was alright. He took her to the movies and the Honkaburger, the usual stuff. She wasn’t really into him but she figured as a first boyfriend, he was alright. She was planning on dumping him when she found someone better, but then it started to get weird. He had started calling her late at night until her dad had ordered him to stop. Then one night he came over at 3 AM and pelted her window with rocks till she woke up. Stupidly she had met him at the back door and asked him what he wanted. He said that he had had a dream about her and had wanted to see her face. She told him not to do it again. Then one night she woke up and he was standing at her beside, staring at her. She had freaked out and kicked him a good one in the face. He had fallen down and made this weird howling noise, it was so loud it made her ears ring. She had clamped her hand over his mouth to shut him up and listened as her dad got out of bed and into his wheelchair. That always took awhile and she had time to hiss in his ear to leave and go home. He had just lain there, crying his eyes out. She told him that if he didn’t leave she’d never be seen with him again, and that got him moving and out the window. She had told her dad that she had a bad dream and that was that. Doug apologized the next day and she had forgiven him. He had gotten down on his knees in front of the whole school and begged for forgiveness. Accepting his apology was the only way to get him to stop.
She still went out with him, now completely out of pity. The poor guy had no friends left. Even that huge stoner Skeeter, who had tolerated him in the past, wouldn’t talk to him at all anymore. Patti had heard a half rumor that Doug had suggested they play some sick game involving a cracker and masturbation and that was why they weren’t friends anymore, but she didn’t believe it at first. But she did later…
Other than coming over to her house at night, Doug seemed rather boring at first. But then he started to tell her all the things that occupied his head. He said sometimes he imagined he was a superhero or a top secret agent. He said he would blank out and actually become those people. He showed her really bad drawings he had made of him torturing Roger Klatt with the James Bond crotch laser. It wasn’t normal at all. All she could do was nod and fake a smile. Then one day they were doing math homework at her house and she was pretty sure he was touching himself under the table, but she couldn’t catch him doing it. He started coming over at night again, this time serenading her with stupid songs on his banjo. He stopped doing that when her dad came out with a shotgun. He left notes in her locker saying that she was all he thought about, a perfect angel, they were meant to be together, he needed to be around her all the time. He left at least three a day. It freaked her out and she started avoiding him, which made things worse. One day he came over and cried about how he was going to kill himself if she didn’t love him and got snot and tears all over her blouse. She really did feel bad for him though, that was the problem. He was such a loser but he was so pathetic that she couldn’t tell him off. The last straw was at the Bluffington Beet Festival when he proposed to her in front of everyone…
She came out of her head and back to the cold. Damn, still no Roger. She was going to rip him a good one this time. She was about to sit down on the curb when something across the street caught her eye. It wasn’t far away but she couldn’t quite make out what it was, then a truck went by and when it passed, there was Doug. Was he wearing underwear outside his pants and a belt on his head? What the Hell? Seeing him turn up so suddenly shocked her and for a few seconds she couldn’t move, then he started to run across the street and she bolted for the house.
She had forgotten she had locked the door. In a panic she knelt down and started to rummage in her backpack for the front door keys but Doug was already standing in front of her. He grabbed her by the arms and pulled her up. What the fuck was wrong with is eyes?
“Jesus Christ Doug let go of me, what the fuck are you doing? You’re hurting me! LET GO OF ME!” She screamed and tried to lash out but he held her arms tightly. Kicking him in the shins did nothing at all.
“I’m not Doug,” he said in an eerie monotone voice, “I’m Quail-man. You will take off your clothes Patty Mayonnaise. You will take off your clothes and dance for me. Dance!”
“OH FUCK OH JESUS SOMEBODY HELP ME PLEASE!” She screamed and kicked with her legs, but he didn’t move at all. Neither of them noticed the beat up car that pulled up to the curb, or the person who got out wearing shit-kicker boots and a leather jacket…

Roger was late again. He knew he was late, but he didn’t mean to be. He had gotten ready to pick Patty up but had gotten distracted by a Mr. Swirly ad on TV. After it was over he had watched a bunch of music videos before he had remembered where he had to be. Then he had ran out the door cursing at himself. If you keep letting her down, he told himself, how are you ever going to get any? He was still thinking about how stupid he was when he came around the corner. He couldn’t figure out what was going on right away but he knew something was wrong….

Getting the goon off of her was easy, Roger just grabbed him by the shoulder, turned him around, and socked him across the mouth. To his surprise though, Doug didn’t go down, he barley moved even though is mouth was bleeding pretty good. Jesus, what was going on with his eyes? And his clothes?
“Roger Klatt, Quail-man commands you to take off your clothes, take them off and dance for Quail-man, Roger…”
It was too much weirdness for Roger to take and he solved the situation the only way he knew how…
Doug went down like a ton of bricks, holding his crotch, a grimace of pain across his face.
“What did I tell you about Patty, Doug? I fucking told you to stay away from her! You even look at her again and I’ll kill you, you understand me?” He took out his switchblade for emphasis. Then Doug started to cry.
“Oh Jesus Christ Funny, what the fuck is wrong with you? Goddman it. Let’s get out of here Patty, you’re already late for class.”
As they drove away she turned and watched the figure lying by her front door recede into the distance. She closed her eyes but she could still hear him sobbing, sobbing and softly calling out her name…