Speedy the Clown

Speedy's show is on early in the morning on Saturdays. All the cool kids age two to six get up and sit in front of the TV in their feety pajamas, eating their cereal, most likely a box with Speedy's painted clown face on it. They watched, entranced, as the show opens with a curtain and a slowly building organ chord. Then Speedy tumbles out and the organ goes into super goofy mode. He dances around and sings the show's theme song. The kids laugh and sing along, some of them quieter because they'll wake their parents up. Some of their parents aren't home, so they don't care.
One by one the other characters come out and sing a verse. There's Stinky Bill, who is usually the butt of Speedy's mean jokes and pranks. He's a dirty hobo that speaks with a stutter and a lisp that makes the kids laugh. Except for the kids that actually have stutters and lisps. They feel bad for Bill when he get squirted in the face with water or kicked down a flight of stairs. But there's other characters to laugh at. There's Fat Marie who usually comes on during Speedy's cooking segments and eats all of the ingredients before Speedy can make anything. Speedy usually solves this by putting hot sauce in some of the food, or a mouse trap, when he's feeling really mean.
Woody the puppet is next, singing about poop and pee, and then pooping and peeing everywhere. That's his schtick, and the kids all think it's funny when he hits Speedy in the face with a stream of urine. Sometimes he'll show up during the cooking segments and poop in the food. Usually this is then served to Bill, who eats it while the kids in the audience go into hysterics.
Finally, the last main character is Principal Uptight, who tries to make the kids sit down and behave, and usually ends up getting the worst of Speedy's pranks. In the opening Speedy hits him with a two by four in the back of the head and he falls face first into a pile of Woody's poop. Then the song ends and the show starts. Today's special guest is John Hinckley Jr., on loan from the St. Elizabeth's Hospital in Washington, D.C. A Jodie Foster look-a-like hits him in the face with pies...
During the first commercial break a PSA is run that tells the kids to not talk to strangers. Ominous music plays and pictures of several missing kids are shown. One of these kids is a little blonde girl named Robyn Lynne, who vanished from a taping of The Speedy the Clown show a few months ago. They think she may have taken a ride home from someone that wasn't her parents, after the show was over...
After an hour of pies and tricks involving squirting water and firecrackers, and smacks to the head with two by fours, the show is over. Speedy and the cast sing their usual goodbye song and wave as the screen fades to black. The kids in the audience go home, and helpful policemen check wrist bands to make sure they're all going home with the right people.
Speedy doesn't say goodbye to any of the other cast members. He simply walks out of the studio, gets in his car, and drives home. The other cast members will meet in a dive bar down the street later that night and get hammered and complain about Speedy and their low pay. Bill has a noose specially set up in his closet that he'll stare at when he gets home. Marie will drink lots of red wine that she knows will upset her stomach so she doesn't have to put her finger down her throat.
John, Woody's puppeteer, will spend most of his week till the next show taping, drawing pictures of Speedy having violent sex with the rest of the cast. He has these in a large folder, which he doesn't' show to anyone else. When they come over sometimes to drink and bask in each other's meager company, he locks these up. He's a nice guy and he feels guilty about making those pictures but theres an evil side that comes out when he's alone with nothing to do. He usually masturbates to these pictures while weeping profusely.
Robert Paulson, who plays Principal Uptight, has a wife and kids that he can go home to and yell at and beat up without fear of reprimand or a pie in the face. His battered wife is just about at the end of her rope and the network may have to write his character out of the show soon...
And what of Speedy? He of the large paycheck and nice house? Speedy doesn't take his make-up off when he gets to his large empty house. He doesn't change his clothes either. When he gets home he heads right to the basement, a converted wine cellar. There's a little blonde haired girl down there that he has chained to the wall. After giving her some wine they'll have fun and Speedy will think up gags for the next week's show, acting them out on her. Of course, he likes to throw a few things in that would never make it on TV, but these are the most fun things he can think of to do....
Speedy's show is number one in the ratings for Saturday mornings. All the kids love it and watch it religiously and whine and cry till their parents buy all the Speedy merchandise. Someday the truth about the show will come to light and the whole thing will implode...

Some cheery music to play you out: