What I'm Obsessed with Lately: Ancient Fast Food Ads

Before they got their asses sued off by Sid and Marty Krofft (look them up), McDonald's decided the best way to get kids to eat their food would be to create a fantasy land lorded over by several slightly creepy, but mostly retarded characters. None of which were rip-offs of a certain popular TV series. Not at all...



You know what most whimsical children's fantasy lands are really missing? Horrible tasting fast food! And evil four armed retarded whatsits.

Grimace was later changed into a good guy, of course. How? I'm guessing lobotomy, but then his level of super retardeness was toned down as well. Maybe they managed to cut out just the right part of his brain.

McDonald-land had two politicians who had head's made out of cheeseburgers. I wonder if any kids got kicked out for taking bites out of them? And no, I'm not following a creepy pedophile clown anywhere. Not even during a bad acid trip...


Another thing I've noticed with these ads is that there's never any parents present. Where did they go? The answer is simple: Ronald killed them. And he wears their skin at night when no one's around, dancing around the retarded trees under the full moon.


Here's how this ad would go if I were writing it:
Captain Crook: "How about a cheeseburger for me?"
Ronald: "Fuck you captain crook, you still owe me 50 bucks from last week's "how long can the hooker stay alive under water" bet.
Captain Crook: "Arrrr, that's me wife you're talking about..."

Captain Crook would later become The Hamburglar. By wearing his skin.

Here's some more stupid shit that only five year olds would laugh at! Eat our food until you puke!

Why is every character in McDonald-land retarded? The fucking bird can't even fly straight!
Hey, I've got an idea of how you can wake up Ronald: Shit on his face!
I'm a terrible person...

Lets get away from McDonald's for now and visit a place I would actually consider eating at:

Actually, I meant KFC, not the doddering old colonel's house. It probably smells like chicken grease and pee. Uck, I wouldn't lick my fingers. Not after touching anything in that place...

Colonel Sanders never looks quite right to me in these ads. His eyes are too small and close together and he can't even talk like a normal human being. What the fuck is "egg warsh?"
And he's a terrible dancer:

It might be so nice to feel good about a meal, but I'm guessing the Colonel probably couldn't feel much below the waist at that point...

Hey, you know who's a great dancer? MC Hammer!

*snicker* not really. And he couldn't rap worth a darn either.
And is this commercial slightly racist? Not really, because Hammer also shilled out for Taco Bell:

Also please note: never in the history of time outside of the early 90s were the hairstyles and fashions present in the above two ads allowable. Unless you're a hipster. And then you'd still look like a tool.

But lets get back to the 70s...

The narrator says "Colonel Sanders and his boys" despite the fact that the person that hands the old man the bucket is apparently a woman.
You will eat KFC or "The Colonel and his boys" will break every bone in your bodies. Dig?

Oh and remember how I said before that The Colonel had a hard time with a simple thing like talking? Well, check this out:

And he's not even drunk like Orson Welles!

Here's an ad that openly admits that eating fried chicken will make you fat:

Oh those wacky Australians with their fast food eating horses and sheep and their morbidly obese food addicted children! And I bet you thought all they had down there were toxic octopi and snails, Paul Hogan, and Vegemite sandwiches. Well,you were wrong!

Alright, lets finish this post with Willard Scott, who wants to sell you dolls in his likeness that he wants you to touch, possibly in inappropriate places:

Lets fast forward and check in with Willard now, shall we?


And I'm done. Alright, one more. Check out this ad for the first happy meal:

"Your kids will love them!" Or, more likely, "Sad 30 somethings who live in their parent's basements will love them! And collect every toy! And never ever get laid!"
I'm just kidding, I love all nerds. I kid because I love. Just don't come too close to me because you smell like ham.