Movie Reviews: Monster High (1989)

DVD bargain bins are interesting things. By reaching my grubby hands in and digging down the to bottom, risking getting fingers bitten off by whatever the heck lives down there, I've gotten some genuine classics, some over looked low budget gems, and some awful crap. Sometimes it's hard to tell by the cover just how entertaining the movie is going to be, but for five bucks or less, why not spin that wheel? Monster High looked pretty stupid, but at least entertaingly so. A stupid kid's movie perhaps? It did come out in the late 80s, a great time for crappy kid's flicks. Nope, it's rated R. Oh well, it can't be that bad...

I know this sounds harsh, but some people should not make movies. For even thinking about getting near a camera, they should be smacked in the face several times till they go back to their jobs managing Burger Kings. This movie is such a complete mess that even after watching all 84 minutes of it, I can't really tell you what the plot is. For some reason the earth is going to be destroyed and then there's this guy who looks like a Las Vegas lounge singer who comes out of a basketball and starts bringing monsters to life when he's not raping and then killing cheerleaders, and then this one character keeps waking up over and over...sometimes it's good to have an actual script when you make a movie instead of just a bunch of random ideas and no plot.
Oh yeah, this is a comedy, even though none of it's funny. The asshole rapping aliens that sound like Fred Figglehorn are not funny, the giant pot plant is not funny, even the nerd that gets turned into a computer isn't funny. It's a great example of how an incompetant director can really ruin good ideas. It's not much fun to watch though. Instead of entertaining, it's just pathetic and sad.
But hey, if you like boobs, there's lots of them! Stunt boobs though. It's very obvious that the main actress didn't want to take her top off. She can't act very well either and isn't that good looking. Why was she cast? Oh thats right, the director was an idiot.
This is the kind of movie that you catch at five in the morning when you're still a little drunk and then fall asleep in the middle of. When you wake up that afternoon you still have lingering memories of a turd monster that was obviously a midget in a poorly made costume and the bad taste of late 80s synth in your mouth. How this ended up on DVD is a mystery...
Grade: F