I am so tired right now, tired to the point where both writing and keeping my eyes open both have become a struggle. But, as the Spanish say "sleep is for the dead" so I will stave it off a bit longer. Please forgive the low quality of the following writings as a result.
First off I'd like to say thank Cthulhu for Something Weird Video. Their tireless devotion to the very crappiest of crap movies makes my heart happy. Here's the movies on today's triple feature DVD with my own vague-type ratings.
The Zodiac Killer (1971)
Right off the bat the film purports to be based on the real life Zodiac murders but pretty much throws all realism (and seriousness) out the window by having the murderer kill a woman on a street in broad daylight while wearing Groucho Marx glasses as a disguise. If you've read anything about the serial murders that took place in California in the late 60's and still remain unsolved to this day, you'd know that there's a pretty good movie that could be made of the events. Unfortunately this is not that movie. It is, however, good grimy fun for drive-in aficionados like myself who seem inexplicably drawn to poorly made stuff like this. I was trying to think why I like these movies so much and I couldn't come up with a very good reason. Maybe I'm missing a chromosome or something. This would get a C but gets an extra point for featuring what may be the worst wig I've ever seen in any movie ever. And for the dirty cameo by poor Doodles Weaver (look him up). B
The Sex Killer (1967)
This is possibly the cheapest movie I've ever seen. Where the Hell does SWV find this stuff? There isn't even any credits, it opens with a title card that looks like it was drawn on posterboard! Basically it looks like someone's home movies, but with boobs. Lots and lots of boobs.
Plot (such as it is): In lovely NYC, a shy young man who works at a mannequin factory(!) can't seem to get a girl to "ball him" (the movie's words, not mine) so he buys a pair of binoculars to watch topless cuties sunbathe from the rooftops. Then he starts killing them and having his way with their bodies. They never show him doing the dirty with the fresh corpses, but it's still a rather icky thing to put in a movie that was obviously made to be shown in adult theaters at the time.
It's pretty much just an excuse to show topless girls and as such, it does it's job. C+
Zero in and Scream (1971)
Hoo boy! And I thought that last movie was dirty! This is basically soft-core porn with a very thin plot surrounding it. See, there's this guy who's killing people after they have sex with his high powered rifle and...um...thats pretty much it. Other than that there's nude dancing girls, a stripper orgy party, lots of pool sex,and lesbians. It's all too weird to be arousing in the least bit though. I especially loved the highly inappropriate soundtrack, most of which sounded like it was stolen from 50s monster movies. What the Hell kind of porn movie music uses a thremin? A very strange one thats what.
Also, like Sex Killer, this was obviously meant to be shown in adults only theaters and be titillating (what a dirty sounding word!), but it's so violent and even ends with a rape scene, so what the heck?
How do you rate a movie that seems like it was pulled out of your dad's or grandpa's secret stag film stash? Well, there is sort of a movie here, which gets an F. The odd sex sequences get a C since they were sort of well filmed for that sort of thing.
I made it sound like I didn't enjoy these pieces of sleaze, but I really did. Their low low budgets make them seem like strange unsettling documentaries and the acting is so bad it's funny. Plus there's that strange pull I mentioned before, that odd inexplicable love of trash that....I'm almost falling asleep. To wrap this up, hooray for Something Weird!
Showing posts with label movie marathon. Show all posts
Showing posts with label movie marathon. Show all posts
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Movie Marthon Finale!
4 days off from work equaled 10 movies, I did it whoooo! Actually its kind of sad. Sad like a two legged puppy. Sigh. Here's my quicky reviews for the last two movies.
Torture Garden (1967)
I've written about Amicus before but when I picked this up, almost solely on the title, I had no idea it was one of their films. I also had no idea it starred Burgess Meredith who played The Penguin on the cheesy 60s Batman show and, more importantly, Mickey in the Rocky movies. So I got two movies that starred actors from Rocky and had no clue. Thats kind of spooky. But on to the movie.
Of the Amicus anthology movies I've seen (Tales from the Crypt, Vault of Horror, The House that Dripped Blood) this is the worst one. Meredith plays a funny little man at a carnival who invites people into his tent and shows them horrible visions of their future. Pretty much the same idea as Tales, but Tales had better stories. The best one is the last one, as usual, and stars Jack Palance and Peter Cushing as two rabid Poe memorabilia collectors. Cushing deserves more credit as an actor and it's sad that most people just remember him as Grand Moff Tarkin in Star Wars.
This was an alright film and I can't give Amicus anything less than a C. Good, but not great.
Vampire Wars (AKA Bloodsuckers) (2005)
Every once in awhile a movie comes along and surprises the Hell out of me. Who would expect a made for TV movie called Vampire Wars to be any good? Well, its not good exactly, but it is a heck of a lot of fun and and surprisingly well made on such an obviously low budget. Compare this movie to Skeleton Man and you'll see that the people who made VW actually knew what they were doing. The actors can act, there's actual plot and characterization, and it's not just random scenes of slaughter till you get bored and start thinking about the laundry you have to do. This is a movie that I would actually show to friends and not be ashamed of, which is saying a lot with the movies I've been watching lately.
For making me smile many times, not groan once, and helping forget for a bit that I have to drag myself to work in the morning, I give this one an A.
So there, that was fun wasn't it? I'm thinking of doing this every weekend, just with less movies. Sound good? How is my writing? Getting better? I know, it's terrible, the whole point of this blog is to try and get better at it.
I don't know what I'll post tomorrow, if anything. I'll see what I feel up to.
Peace
Torture Garden (1967)
I've written about Amicus before but when I picked this up, almost solely on the title, I had no idea it was one of their films. I also had no idea it starred Burgess Meredith who played The Penguin on the cheesy 60s Batman show and, more importantly, Mickey in the Rocky movies. So I got two movies that starred actors from Rocky and had no clue. Thats kind of spooky. But on to the movie.
Of the Amicus anthology movies I've seen (Tales from the Crypt, Vault of Horror, The House that Dripped Blood) this is the worst one. Meredith plays a funny little man at a carnival who invites people into his tent and shows them horrible visions of their future. Pretty much the same idea as Tales, but Tales had better stories. The best one is the last one, as usual, and stars Jack Palance and Peter Cushing as two rabid Poe memorabilia collectors. Cushing deserves more credit as an actor and it's sad that most people just remember him as Grand Moff Tarkin in Star Wars.
This was an alright film and I can't give Amicus anything less than a C. Good, but not great.
Vampire Wars (AKA Bloodsuckers) (2005)
Every once in awhile a movie comes along and surprises the Hell out of me. Who would expect a made for TV movie called Vampire Wars to be any good? Well, its not good exactly, but it is a heck of a lot of fun and and surprisingly well made on such an obviously low budget. Compare this movie to Skeleton Man and you'll see that the people who made VW actually knew what they were doing. The actors can act, there's actual plot and characterization, and it's not just random scenes of slaughter till you get bored and start thinking about the laundry you have to do. This is a movie that I would actually show to friends and not be ashamed of, which is saying a lot with the movies I've been watching lately.
For making me smile many times, not groan once, and helping forget for a bit that I have to drag myself to work in the morning, I give this one an A.
So there, that was fun wasn't it? I'm thinking of doing this every weekend, just with less movies. Sound good? How is my writing? Getting better? I know, it's terrible, the whole point of this blog is to try and get better at it.
I don't know what I'll post tomorrow, if anything. I'll see what I feel up to.
Peace
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Marathon Update-Part 4
Two more down two left! I'm kind of burned out today and I'm going to leave the last two for tomorrow. Here's two quick reviews of the ones I got in on this lovely Saturday.
Skeleton Man (2004)
A bunch of pseudo-military type people are hunted down by what's supposed to be an Indian demon spirit thing but it looks like a guy in a discount grim reaper costume. Made for TV and thus filmed on eye raping video tape instead of film, this movie exists to show people getting chopped up in various ways and...thats about it. It's never boring but it is incredibly stupid the whole way through. I give this one a D for effort and the fact that the filmmakers had the balls to include a making of featurette on the DVD.
13 Ghosts (1960)
A paleontologist inherits a weird old house when his creepy uncle kicks the bucket. When he moves in with his family in tow he finds out that its haunted by 13 GHOSTS!!! OOOH, SCARY! Well, not really. William Castle films were all about the in-theater gimmicks and this movies was illusion-O. Basically when you saw it in the theater you got a pair of modified 3-D glasses so you could choose if you wanted to see the ghosts or not. Without this gimmick, lame as it is, the movie is just another old haunted house film, better than some, worse than others. Castle's schlock fest gets a B mostly due to the presence of Margaret Hamilton who you may remember from an obscure little film called The Wizard of OZ. Boy was she a witch in that movie, let me tell you! The outside of the mansion was also used for the Munster's house and I of course couldn't help but whistle the theme music whenever they showed it. Good thing I don't have people to watch these movies with or they would have smacked me by the third time.
Come back tomorrow for the last two films, we've got an Amicus trilogy film and something about alien vampires. Should be a good time!
Skeleton Man (2004)
A bunch of pseudo-military type people are hunted down by what's supposed to be an Indian demon spirit thing but it looks like a guy in a discount grim reaper costume. Made for TV and thus filmed on eye raping video tape instead of film, this movie exists to show people getting chopped up in various ways and...thats about it. It's never boring but it is incredibly stupid the whole way through. I give this one a D for effort and the fact that the filmmakers had the balls to include a making of featurette on the DVD.
13 Ghosts (1960)
A paleontologist inherits a weird old house when his creepy uncle kicks the bucket. When he moves in with his family in tow he finds out that its haunted by 13 GHOSTS!!! OOOH, SCARY! Well, not really. William Castle films were all about the in-theater gimmicks and this movies was illusion-O. Basically when you saw it in the theater you got a pair of modified 3-D glasses so you could choose if you wanted to see the ghosts or not. Without this gimmick, lame as it is, the movie is just another old haunted house film, better than some, worse than others. Castle's schlock fest gets a B mostly due to the presence of Margaret Hamilton who you may remember from an obscure little film called The Wizard of OZ. Boy was she a witch in that movie, let me tell you! The outside of the mansion was also used for the Munster's house and I of course couldn't help but whistle the theme music whenever they showed it. Good thing I don't have people to watch these movies with or they would have smacked me by the third time.
Come back tomorrow for the last two films, we've got an Amicus trilogy film and something about alien vampires. Should be a good time!
Friday, January 2, 2009
Marthon Update Part 3-Prom Night
You know what I hate? Having to use the word "original" when talking about some of my favorite movies. As in "the original Dawn of the Dead" or "the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre". It's getting damn annoying. Now because of a lame in name only remake I have to say "the original Prom Night". Granted there's like 3 sequels but still, fuck remakes of cult films! Cough, sorry, moving on...
So the movie opens with a bunch of kids running through a broken down old school house playing a rather morbid version of the classic "sardines" game called "killer." Of course one girl ends up dead after falling through a window and the other kids promise never to tell. Hmmm, who do you think is going to be the victims in this movie? After the neat and surprisingly brutal opening the movie settles into a "life of movie teens" groove until the actual prom night when a killer, bent on revenging the girls death, goes around with an ax cock-blocking horny teens in the worst way possible till the inevitable, but kind of cool looking, show-down with Ms. Curtis.
Prom Night is kind of special to me as it's probably the first slasher film I ever saw way back in Jr. High school. I didn't actually remember much about it other than the cool opening and Jamie Lee Curtis in a bra. Ah puberty, where is thy sting? Surprisingly the movie has a lot more T and A than I remember and a lot less gore. Thats probably because I watched an edited for TV version. Still the movie is pretty tame especially compared to other movies of its ilk around the same time, namely movies it ripped off like Halloween and Carrie. Still it has a lot more going for it than most lame horror crap that comes out now a days including its remake. Damn, thought I wasn't going to mention that (slaps own face several times). Plus Jamie Lee Curtis in a bra anyone? SPOILER: My favorite part by the way is when the dirty bully gets his head cut off back stage and it goes rolling down the aisle that the king and queen were supposed to walk down. Wonderfully dark stuff.
What's sad to think about though is that movies like this were probably responsible for teaching me what high school was going to be like. Of course when I actually got to high school I learned that its all a bunch of crap. Do you remember ax murderers running around hacking up the snooty popular girls? Or energetic disco dances and promiscuous sex with your prom date? No? Me neither what a load of crap!
I didn't even end up going to prom. Some of my friends decided that we'd have more fun going to a water park and then go stomping around Wisconsin Dells that weekend instead. And ya know what? They were right, I had a blast. Man, if I find out I really did miss some kids head getting cut off though, I'm going to be mad. I probably would have heard about it though, you think?
Okay, tomorrow the plan is to get up early and watch the last four movies and then do short reviews of them. Fun fun fun right? Hello? Oh well, I like doing this even if no ones reading. Goodnight invisible Internet people.
So the movie opens with a bunch of kids running through a broken down old school house playing a rather morbid version of the classic "sardines" game called "killer." Of course one girl ends up dead after falling through a window and the other kids promise never to tell. Hmmm, who do you think is going to be the victims in this movie? After the neat and surprisingly brutal opening the movie settles into a "life of movie teens" groove until the actual prom night when a killer, bent on revenging the girls death, goes around with an ax cock-blocking horny teens in the worst way possible till the inevitable, but kind of cool looking, show-down with Ms. Curtis.
Prom Night is kind of special to me as it's probably the first slasher film I ever saw way back in Jr. High school. I didn't actually remember much about it other than the cool opening and Jamie Lee Curtis in a bra. Ah puberty, where is thy sting? Surprisingly the movie has a lot more T and A than I remember and a lot less gore. Thats probably because I watched an edited for TV version. Still the movie is pretty tame especially compared to other movies of its ilk around the same time, namely movies it ripped off like Halloween and Carrie. Still it has a lot more going for it than most lame horror crap that comes out now a days including its remake. Damn, thought I wasn't going to mention that (slaps own face several times). Plus Jamie Lee Curtis in a bra anyone? SPOILER: My favorite part by the way is when the dirty bully gets his head cut off back stage and it goes rolling down the aisle that the king and queen were supposed to walk down. Wonderfully dark stuff.
What's sad to think about though is that movies like this were probably responsible for teaching me what high school was going to be like. Of course when I actually got to high school I learned that its all a bunch of crap. Do you remember ax murderers running around hacking up the snooty popular girls? Or energetic disco dances and promiscuous sex with your prom date? No? Me neither what a load of crap!
I didn't even end up going to prom. Some of my friends decided that we'd have more fun going to a water park and then go stomping around Wisconsin Dells that weekend instead. And ya know what? They were right, I had a blast. Man, if I find out I really did miss some kids head getting cut off though, I'm going to be mad. I probably would have heard about it though, you think?
Okay, tomorrow the plan is to get up early and watch the last four movies and then do short reviews of them. Fun fun fun right? Hello? Oh well, I like doing this even if no ones reading. Goodnight invisible Internet people.
Movie Marathon Update Part 2
I'm going to watch Prom Night a bit later but I thought I'd post on the last two movies so I can give PN a nice long review. So what did today bring so far? Pain that's what! Pain by way of a horrible werewolf movie.
Do not under any circumstances watch The Howling IV (1988). First of all, theres no reason for it to even exist. Despite having a IV in the title, it's actually sort of a re-make of the first movie but it switches the names around and tries to stick closer to the book the first one was based on. So...why would you ever need to see this? Just rent the first movie! The main problem with this film is that it's Boring with a capital B. There's almost no werewolves in the damn thing till the last quarter where the people who were making the film suddenly realized they hadn't put any in yet and went all out with their laughably cheap effects. Showing a guy in a mask you shop-lifted from K-Mart from their after Halloween specials rack is not going to impress me, especially after sitting through an hour of your stupid main characters trying to figure out what's so incredibly obvious that you just want to slap them all and shout "everyone in town is a werewolf you morons, get in your Jeeps and leave so we can all end this thing and go home!" That is when you're not yawning or picking lint out of your bellybutton. Yes this movie motivated me to do that, way to go guys.
So...good things about this movie? I suppose I should try do that, thats what most good critics do right? There is a nice set of naked boobs, with very pointy nipples. Unfortunately it's not on the cute redheaded main actress. They're on the werewolf girl boning Mr. Mullet. Yes, there is a guy in this movie who wears a mullet and has a permanent five o clock shadow. And when he actually wears a shirt its unbuttoned so you can always see his forest of chest hair. Towards the end he turns into a werewolf of course, but not before he melts into a disgusting pile of ooze for some reason. Theres no logical reason why this would happen but it did look kinda cool, albeit very cheap like the rest of the movie. Oh yeah, this movie is cheap cheap cheap. Apparently it was filmed in South America during the Apartheid. Space Mutiny was also filmed in the same place in the same time period. Space Mutiny is laughably stupid, Howling IV is just dull and painful. Like a stick that some asshole keeps poking you with which wouldn't hurt normally but he keeps poking you with it till you start to bruise and that pisses you off.
This movie does bring up a couple of questions though. Why are so many werewolf movies so terrible? They should be easy to pull off but I can count the good ones I've seen on one hand. (The Wolfman, American Werewolf in London, and the first Howling movie.) Second, why did The Howling warrant six freaking sequels? Six! It was an alright movie but Werewolf in London was much better and that didn't get a crappy sequel till 1997! Third, what is it about the 80s that makes even some of the good movies made in that era seem stupid and dated? Howling IV has a couple examples, bad lite rock music for an opening theme, terrible clothes and hair, and a hairy douchebag thats supposed to be a manly hero but is just gross and you wish he'd stop licking his hot wife whenever they have sex cause it makes you feel a bit sick to your stomach. Damn you 80s! Give me the 70s, at least its tacky styles are palatable.
One last gripe before I end this rant. I hate movies that try to build suspense by putting in shrieking scare chords when nothing scary happens. Howling IV examples: Girl opens door and sees empty bed cue scare chords, policeman walks up to car cue scare chords, cute little dog runs around in backyard cue scare chords. Quit trying to build tension in your tensionless movie when nothings happening you idiots!
Okay, so after this lump of crap the next movie didn't look like much and I hesitated putting it in. Sigh, its called The Nurse (1997) and it has cheesy blood stained cover art. But hey, wait a tic! This movie has actual characters! An actual plot! Things actually happen that are interesting! Things actually happen at all! After Howling IV this is like a breath of fresh air. Sure its just a clichéd thriller with horror elements and it looks like it was shot on video, but I actually kind of liked it. Plus it ends with two girls in tights fighting on a table! It's a movie that knows what it's viewers would want to see: a bloody revenge fantasy and good looking girls trying to kill each other, and it delivers. Can't beat that I say.
I just realized I don't have that much to say about this movie. Why do I keep giving all the words to the really bad movies? I guess pissy rants are just more fun.
So later tonight, Prom Night with Jamie Lee Curtis! No, the movie not my actual prom night. If I was taking Ms. Curtis I would have actually gone instead of skipping out and going to a water park that weekend. But thats another story for another time...
Do not under any circumstances watch The Howling IV (1988). First of all, theres no reason for it to even exist. Despite having a IV in the title, it's actually sort of a re-make of the first movie but it switches the names around and tries to stick closer to the book the first one was based on. So...why would you ever need to see this? Just rent the first movie! The main problem with this film is that it's Boring with a capital B. There's almost no werewolves in the damn thing till the last quarter where the people who were making the film suddenly realized they hadn't put any in yet and went all out with their laughably cheap effects. Showing a guy in a mask you shop-lifted from K-Mart from their after Halloween specials rack is not going to impress me, especially after sitting through an hour of your stupid main characters trying to figure out what's so incredibly obvious that you just want to slap them all and shout "everyone in town is a werewolf you morons, get in your Jeeps and leave so we can all end this thing and go home!" That is when you're not yawning or picking lint out of your bellybutton. Yes this movie motivated me to do that, way to go guys.
So...good things about this movie? I suppose I should try do that, thats what most good critics do right? There is a nice set of naked boobs, with very pointy nipples. Unfortunately it's not on the cute redheaded main actress. They're on the werewolf girl boning Mr. Mullet. Yes, there is a guy in this movie who wears a mullet and has a permanent five o clock shadow. And when he actually wears a shirt its unbuttoned so you can always see his forest of chest hair. Towards the end he turns into a werewolf of course, but not before he melts into a disgusting pile of ooze for some reason. Theres no logical reason why this would happen but it did look kinda cool, albeit very cheap like the rest of the movie. Oh yeah, this movie is cheap cheap cheap. Apparently it was filmed in South America during the Apartheid. Space Mutiny was also filmed in the same place in the same time period. Space Mutiny is laughably stupid, Howling IV is just dull and painful. Like a stick that some asshole keeps poking you with which wouldn't hurt normally but he keeps poking you with it till you start to bruise and that pisses you off.
This movie does bring up a couple of questions though. Why are so many werewolf movies so terrible? They should be easy to pull off but I can count the good ones I've seen on one hand. (The Wolfman, American Werewolf in London, and the first Howling movie.) Second, why did The Howling warrant six freaking sequels? Six! It was an alright movie but Werewolf in London was much better and that didn't get a crappy sequel till 1997! Third, what is it about the 80s that makes even some of the good movies made in that era seem stupid and dated? Howling IV has a couple examples, bad lite rock music for an opening theme, terrible clothes and hair, and a hairy douchebag thats supposed to be a manly hero but is just gross and you wish he'd stop licking his hot wife whenever they have sex cause it makes you feel a bit sick to your stomach. Damn you 80s! Give me the 70s, at least its tacky styles are palatable.
One last gripe before I end this rant. I hate movies that try to build suspense by putting in shrieking scare chords when nothing scary happens. Howling IV examples: Girl opens door and sees empty bed cue scare chords, policeman walks up to car cue scare chords, cute little dog runs around in backyard cue scare chords. Quit trying to build tension in your tensionless movie when nothings happening you idiots!
Okay, so after this lump of crap the next movie didn't look like much and I hesitated putting it in. Sigh, its called The Nurse (1997) and it has cheesy blood stained cover art. But hey, wait a tic! This movie has actual characters! An actual plot! Things actually happen that are interesting! Things actually happen at all! After Howling IV this is like a breath of fresh air. Sure its just a clichéd thriller with horror elements and it looks like it was shot on video, but I actually kind of liked it. Plus it ends with two girls in tights fighting on a table! It's a movie that knows what it's viewers would want to see: a bloody revenge fantasy and good looking girls trying to kill each other, and it delivers. Can't beat that I say.
I just realized I don't have that much to say about this movie. Why do I keep giving all the words to the really bad movies? I guess pissy rants are just more fun.
So later tonight, Prom Night with Jamie Lee Curtis! No, the movie not my actual prom night. If I was taking Ms. Curtis I would have actually gone instead of skipping out and going to a water park that weekend. But thats another story for another time...
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
The Lineup
I went shopping and of course along with a few necessities I picked up a bunch of bad horror movies. I just can't resist the allure of crap. Adding those, I've got quite a few that I haven't watched yet, here's the list:
Carnival of Blood
Curse of the Headless Horseman
Ghoulies IV
The Howling IV: The Original Nightmare
The Nurse
Prom Night (The original!)
Skeleton Man
13 Ghosts (The original William Castle one)
Torture Garden
Vampire Wars: The Battle for the Universe
I smell a marathon! Can I hold out through 10 whole movies or will my brain melt and ooze out my ears? Or will it just kill me outright? Find out next post!
Carnival of Blood
Curse of the Headless Horseman
Ghoulies IV
The Howling IV: The Original Nightmare
The Nurse
Prom Night (The original!)
Skeleton Man
13 Ghosts (The original William Castle one)
Torture Garden
Vampire Wars: The Battle for the Universe
I smell a marathon! Can I hold out through 10 whole movies or will my brain melt and ooze out my ears? Or will it just kill me outright? Find out next post!
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