Writings from Work

Most of the work I do is on a computer so when my computer breaks or is running slow, it's very frustrating. Today I got pissed that it kept freezing up and said "fuck it" (not out loud though!) and pulled out some paper and wrote some stuff. Surprisingly it made the day go by a lot faster even though I had to keep hiding it when anyone walked by my cubicle.

Story
This thing didn't turn out very well...
When I was a kid, 3rd street contained a small block of antique shops full of interesting junk. My mother would take me there a lot on Saturday afternoons and let me roam through the stores while she rummaged. I loved those old shops, there was always something new to find or some new room to discover and they all seemed impossibly large. There was one place that we never went though and that was the small book store situated right in the middle of the other buildings. I never understood why we never went in and so it was always a mysterious place. I only ever got to go in once, when I was twelve years old and I was allowed to ride my bike into town for the first time.
The place was run by an old man with pure white hair who sat behind the counter and said nothing when I walked in. I spent hours getting lost in the maze of shelves and only left when I realized that I was going to be late for supper. I bought two books with my allowance money: Moby Dick and Lord of the Flies. The old man didn't say anything when I checked out or when I promised to be back when I had more money. He just sat there looking sad as he put the money into the cash register. As I biked away I could see him sitting by the window, his white hair standing out against the gloom inside like some pathetic ghost. I never got to go back.
A couple weeks later the whole block was bought out and all the buildings were torn down. A Walmart/mall was built in it's place, followed by a rash of fast food joints. I rode my bike down there shortly after it opened. I walked around the mall and watched the people shuffle around the floor like zombies, going in and out of stores, they're lives so coated with misery that it radiated off of them in waves. There was a bookstore but it was all over priced and some lady brought her bratty kids in and let them free to run up and down the aisles, tearing books off shelves while the staff just picked them up and put them back if they kids weren't chewing on them. I couldn't stand to be in the Walmart for more than five minuets, the living dead had clustered there like a meat truck had overturned.
When I walked out I discovered that someone had cut the lock on my bike and I had to walk home. I never went back.

Attempts at Haiku
Old alleyway drunk
Coughs up blood on the ground
Death is imminent

So good a website
New comic everyday
Hooray for Dumm Comics!

So bad a writer
Preteen girls go nuts
But vampires do not sparkle

Cranky old woman
Screams at girl behind counter
Smells of old stale piss

Computer won't work
Keeps freezing up constantly
I need a strong drink

Frank Black's howling screams
Against Kim Deal's angel's voice
Pixies are divine

Pirate poem
All year round I sail upon the seas
You've never met a pirate quite like me
I wear my high heels out on the deck
And frilly lace around my neck
I may be a man
But I choose not to be
You've never met a pirate quite like me

I love to hear the roar of guns
But hate when my mascara runs
I'll fight for my ship until I break a nail
My vessel's a beaut as you can see
Sailing the waves so wild and free
And it's the only one with a pink embroidered sail!

So give a heave and a ho and a yarr!
As we sail the seas both near and far
I'm the meanest rat that ever you will meet
And I do it all while wearing pink panties!
You've never met a pirate quite like me!

??????
Oh my dearest I wuv you
I wuv you so much it huwts my heawt
To not be neaw your beauty youw wight
pains my vewy sowl
My deaw won't you mawwy me?

"Argle Bargle!" Jimmy said as he bit the head off of his teacher, blood spurting in lovely streams from her neck. She tasted like old perfume and Elmer's glue and he spit her head out onto the desk, right as the school principal walked in.
"Oh my gawd!" He shouted in horror, "You've killed Mrs. Robinson!"
Then he looked behind him nervously.
"Er...Jimmy? Before we call the police, do you think I can get a look at her boobs quick?"

Foom backwards is Moof

I'll see if I can sneak some writing in tomorrow too. It's fun doing something I love when I'm supposed to be doing something boring.
Oh and I got a new shirt today with this guy on it:


If you can tell me what cartoon he's from, then congratulations! You're just as messed up in the head as I am!