When I close my eyes I see...
A female android. She is very old. She was originally made to look very beautiful and probably served drinks at lavish parties. Now most of her skin is gone, revealing a disconcerting mix of rusting servos and wires. She wears a tattered blue dress that was probably also very pretty looking when it was new. When she speaks it's just garbled electronic sounds. Too bad, it would be interesting to hear her back story.
A dog. Dead, or at least it should be. Most of it's face has been torn away revealing white skull. One eye is gone. It's standing in front of a porch and a very frightened young boy in dirty overalls. His dad is coming out of the house with a shot gun.
A girl on her knees throwing up. Some one is holding her long blonde hair out of her eyes. It's night and the moon is out but it's glow is lessened by the lights of several cars nearby. It looks like they stopped so she could throw up. I can see woods in the background. She stops throwing up, tries to stand, and doubles over again, this time puking up blood. Her friends back up in revulsion, including the one that was holding her hair. She gets up again, runs over to one of them, a guy wearing a douchey goatee and backwards cap, and bites into his cheek, tearing his face away as he screams.
A mentally retarded boy sitting alone in his room eating cockroaches. He slams handfuls of them into his mouth, chews, and then laughs, spitting legs and shell pieces from his mouth of broken teeth. From somewhere downstairs comes the sound of Wheel of Fortune playing on TV and someone clapping along with the studio audience. A roach crawls out of the boy's mouth, plops onto the ground, and he slams it with his fist, laughing as juice gooshes out, staining the shitty carpet.
Band names: Dead Elvis Cereal. Alexander's Fun Time Rape Band. Coercive Sex Maniacs. Brain Dead Billy and the Projectile Vomiters.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Will You Play With Madness? Part 3
You grab onto the lock and pull as hard as you can. The rotted wood breaks easily and you find yourself lying on the ground with the lock in your hand. You sit up right as the doors slowly swing open on their rusty hinges.
You walk up and look into the barn. It's very musty smelling inside, a heady mix of old hay and long gone animal shit. As walk inside and your feet leave tracks on the dusty floor.
Aside from the rusty tractor, the barn is mostly empty. You walk past several small patches of hay to the back of the barn where there is a ladder leading up to the loft.
You start to climb the ladder.
The barn didn't look that big from the outside but you climb for what seems like hours and never get to the top. You look down and all you can see is darkness. You look up and see the same. You start to panic and let out a small scream. It is answered by laughter that seems to be coming from inside of your head. Suddenly you are on solid ground encased by darkness on all sides.
You hear the laughter again and the darkness evaporates from around you. It's very gloomy but you can still see. You are standing in what you assume is the barn's hay loft. In front of you is a figure draped in a black cloak. A helmet, adorned by large curvy horns covers his face. In his left hand is some sort of long staff that has a very nasty looking sharp hook on the end.
"Welcome," He says in a very deep voice, "I am the black mage. I bid you sit."
A chair appears out of the gloom and what feels like a hand pushes down on your head forcing you to sit.
"I'm glad you made it this far. Not everyone does." Says the mage. Looking at him, you realize that there's no face behind his helmet. Only darkness.
"Where am I?" You ask.
"You haven't talked to any of the witches have you?" He asks and sparks flash behind the holes in his helmet.
"No, I..." You start.
"Or the mutants? Or the light mage?" His voice sounds angry now. Sparks crackle and pop inside his head. He stands up and pokes the hook into your ribcage. "TELL ME!" He bellows.
"No, I haven't, honest..." You sputter. The mage laughs and sits back down.
"It's just as well. I'm more powerful than any of them, I would have found out eventually."
"Where...where am I?" You ask nervously. The mage laughs again, harder this time.
"Oh, don't you know? Haven't you figured it out yet? Silly boy you are. You're inside your own brain!" He laughs again, so loud it makes your head hurt.
What will you do? There doesn't appear to be a way out of the loft so you'll have to say something to the mage or ask him a question. You could try attacking him, but I wouldn't advise it...
You walk up and look into the barn. It's very musty smelling inside, a heady mix of old hay and long gone animal shit. As walk inside and your feet leave tracks on the dusty floor.
Aside from the rusty tractor, the barn is mostly empty. You walk past several small patches of hay to the back of the barn where there is a ladder leading up to the loft.
You start to climb the ladder.
The barn didn't look that big from the outside but you climb for what seems like hours and never get to the top. You look down and all you can see is darkness. You look up and see the same. You start to panic and let out a small scream. It is answered by laughter that seems to be coming from inside of your head. Suddenly you are on solid ground encased by darkness on all sides.
You hear the laughter again and the darkness evaporates from around you. It's very gloomy but you can still see. You are standing in what you assume is the barn's hay loft. In front of you is a figure draped in a black cloak. A helmet, adorned by large curvy horns covers his face. In his left hand is some sort of long staff that has a very nasty looking sharp hook on the end.
"Welcome," He says in a very deep voice, "I am the black mage. I bid you sit."
A chair appears out of the gloom and what feels like a hand pushes down on your head forcing you to sit.
"I'm glad you made it this far. Not everyone does." Says the mage. Looking at him, you realize that there's no face behind his helmet. Only darkness.
"Where am I?" You ask.
"You haven't talked to any of the witches have you?" He asks and sparks flash behind the holes in his helmet.
"No, I..." You start.
"Or the mutants? Or the light mage?" His voice sounds angry now. Sparks crackle and pop inside his head. He stands up and pokes the hook into your ribcage. "TELL ME!" He bellows.
"No, I haven't, honest..." You sputter. The mage laughs and sits back down.
"It's just as well. I'm more powerful than any of them, I would have found out eventually."
"Where...where am I?" You ask nervously. The mage laughs again, harder this time.
"Oh, don't you know? Haven't you figured it out yet? Silly boy you are. You're inside your own brain!" He laughs again, so loud it makes your head hurt.
What will you do? There doesn't appear to be a way out of the loft so you'll have to say something to the mage or ask him a question. You could try attacking him, but I wouldn't advise it...
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Favorite Songs of this Week and Part of Last
Bit of a song I wrote, abandoned for sucking
I wanted to dance
But they said no dancing
I wanted to sing
But they said "none of that"
I wrote a song but they took it from me
They gave me a gun and a for my head a tin hat
They told me my job was to kill people
And they sent me off to war
I served and I killed with my comrades
All of us wretched poor
When I got home I did not feel like singing
I could't dance because I had no feet
But I'll write as long as I have hands
I will not accept defeat
Monday, March 15, 2010
Will You Play WIth Madness? Part 2
You sit down with your back against the rotted old tree and start digging through your candy bag. You pull out a pice of taffy, unwrap it, and pop it in your mouth. As you bite down your mouth fills with a bitter tasting fluid and you spit onto the ground. Lying in a puddle of nasty green gunk is some sort of large insect, struggling to crawl away as it's life ebbs thanks to the crack you have put in it's shell. You open your candy bag again and start up in horror as the insects and centipeds inside squeal and buzz. The bag tips over and they crawl out, making a straight line for you. You run as fast as you can through the open field, heedless of where you are going. You trip on what appears to be a rabbit hole and fall. You cover your head and scream as the bugs swarm over you, inserting themselves into your ears, nose and mouth. You can feel their legs scratching up inside your head, their mouth parts searching for the tender meat of your brain....
You open your eyes. It is a bright sunny day. You are lying in a field of grass staring up at the cloudless blue sky. You sit up. There is not an insect in sight.
You stand up and wince as pain radiates up your leg from your now swollen ankle. You turn and look back the way you have come. The house and the tree are gone, now there's only open field where they used to be.
You turn and look at the old barn, now closer in front of you then you thought it was when you turned away from it. It's ancient looking and leaning slightly to one side. You limp up to it and look through the holes in it's boards. It's dark inside but light filters through holes in the roof and sides. There is what appears to be an old tractor rusting away in the center. All you can see behind it is darkness.
You step away and limp around to the other side looking for a door. You find it, but there's an ancient looking padlock on it. It wouldn't be hard to get off though. There's also a rope hanging down that appears to lead up to the hay loft. It's not very sturdy looking.
What will you do?
You open your eyes. It is a bright sunny day. You are lying in a field of grass staring up at the cloudless blue sky. You sit up. There is not an insect in sight.
You stand up and wince as pain radiates up your leg from your now swollen ankle. You turn and look back the way you have come. The house and the tree are gone, now there's only open field where they used to be.
You turn and look at the old barn, now closer in front of you then you thought it was when you turned away from it. It's ancient looking and leaning slightly to one side. You limp up to it and look through the holes in it's boards. It's dark inside but light filters through holes in the roof and sides. There is what appears to be an old tractor rusting away in the center. All you can see behind it is darkness.
You step away and limp around to the other side looking for a door. You find it, but there's an ancient looking padlock on it. It wouldn't be hard to get off though. There's also a rope hanging down that appears to lead up to the hay loft. It's not very sturdy looking.
What will you do?
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Will You Play With Madness? Part 1
You are standing in front of an old farmhouse. You have no idea how you got there. You remember trick or treating with your friends last night but you can't seem to recall at what point you blacked out. You are still wearing your Where the Wild Things Are costume and are holding your bag of candy in your left hand.
It is a sunny spring day, birds are chirping in the trees and the wind blows softly bringing you the smell of hay and wet soil. The house looms large in front of you, it's windows dark. A rocking chair slowly moves back and forth on the porch and the door is hanging open off it's hinge. From where you're standing you can see a stairwell that leads up and a hallway leading to a closed door.
On your immediate left is a large tree, dead and rotting. Past that is a field containing an old barn and beyond that is thick woods.
Off to your right is what looks like a half finished garage. It's new looking timbers stick out of the ground and lay in piles, contrasting harshly with the rot and decay of everything else around them. Past that is another overgrown field and beyond that you can just make out another house of some sort on the horizon.
A driveway leads away from the "garage" to a gravel road. Beyond the road is more thick trees.
At your feet is some sort of wood lid. It is incredibly rotted and full of holes. All you can see through the holes is darkness.
It is a beautiful sunny day, not a cloud anywhere, but still a shiver crawls up your spine. This feels wrong. What is this place? How did you get here?
What will you do?
It is a sunny spring day, birds are chirping in the trees and the wind blows softly bringing you the smell of hay and wet soil. The house looms large in front of you, it's windows dark. A rocking chair slowly moves back and forth on the porch and the door is hanging open off it's hinge. From where you're standing you can see a stairwell that leads up and a hallway leading to a closed door.
On your immediate left is a large tree, dead and rotting. Past that is a field containing an old barn and beyond that is thick woods.
Off to your right is what looks like a half finished garage. It's new looking timbers stick out of the ground and lay in piles, contrasting harshly with the rot and decay of everything else around them. Past that is another overgrown field and beyond that you can just make out another house of some sort on the horizon.
A driveway leads away from the "garage" to a gravel road. Beyond the road is more thick trees.
At your feet is some sort of wood lid. It is incredibly rotted and full of holes. All you can see through the holes is darkness.
It is a beautiful sunny day, not a cloud anywhere, but still a shiver crawls up your spine. This feels wrong. What is this place? How did you get here?
What will you do?
Friday, March 12, 2010
We Don't Go to Carol's House Anymore
What's in the toolbox Carol?
Don't open it.
Why not?
I don't like it.
Why?
One time I opened it and there was something bad in there.
Pictures of naked people?
No.
What was it?
The front of my room is gone.
What was in the toolbox?
It was there yesterday, but it was gone when I got up this morning.
What was the bad thing in the toolbox Carol?
It's raining really hard outside. I don't like it. And I don't like the smell of this garage.
It smells like a regular garage. I'm going to open the toolbox.
I woke up last night and someone was staring at me. I couldn't see him very well, just his eyes. I was too scared to scream. The lightening flashed from the storm and he disappeared.
There's a lock on it. Where's the key?
I have it. You're not getting it.
Your dad has to have a saw somewhere in here.
I walked into my parents room and they were gone. I got really scared and fell down on my knees and cried and cried.
Here's a bolt cutters, this'll work.
I stood up and turned around and suddenly I was in the garage staring at that toolbox.
Shit, almost had it that time.
Please don't swear, my mom will get mad.
Where are your parents anyways?
I told you, I woke up last night and they were gone. I haven't seen them since.
Then why do you care if I swear?
I know they're hear somewhere. I can feel them watching us.
You're starting to creep me out Carol.
This house isn't good. I tried to tell my parents that when we moved in but no one believed me. Now they paid for it. My punishment is coming soon.
Alright, I got the lock off.
I don't want to see...
There's nothing in here but rusty tools.
There was a head in there last night when I looked. And an arm. And a foot but no legs. The head looked like it was screaming but no sound was coming out. It blinked at me and I shut the lid.
I think I'm going to go home now Carol.
You can't go. You can't leave me all alone here.
Let me go Carol!
Look in the toolbox again. Look harder.
I don't see anyth...
Don't open it.
Why not?
I don't like it.
Why?
One time I opened it and there was something bad in there.
Pictures of naked people?
No.
What was it?
The front of my room is gone.
What was in the toolbox?
It was there yesterday, but it was gone when I got up this morning.
What was the bad thing in the toolbox Carol?
It's raining really hard outside. I don't like it. And I don't like the smell of this garage.
It smells like a regular garage. I'm going to open the toolbox.
I woke up last night and someone was staring at me. I couldn't see him very well, just his eyes. I was too scared to scream. The lightening flashed from the storm and he disappeared.
There's a lock on it. Where's the key?
I have it. You're not getting it.
Your dad has to have a saw somewhere in here.
I walked into my parents room and they were gone. I got really scared and fell down on my knees and cried and cried.
Here's a bolt cutters, this'll work.
I stood up and turned around and suddenly I was in the garage staring at that toolbox.
Shit, almost had it that time.
Please don't swear, my mom will get mad.
Where are your parents anyways?
I told you, I woke up last night and they were gone. I haven't seen them since.
Then why do you care if I swear?
I know they're hear somewhere. I can feel them watching us.
You're starting to creep me out Carol.
This house isn't good. I tried to tell my parents that when we moved in but no one believed me. Now they paid for it. My punishment is coming soon.
Alright, I got the lock off.
I don't want to see...
There's nothing in here but rusty tools.
There was a head in there last night when I looked. And an arm. And a foot but no legs. The head looked like it was screaming but no sound was coming out. It blinked at me and I shut the lid.
I think I'm going to go home now Carol.
You can't go. You can't leave me all alone here.
Let me go Carol!
Look in the toolbox again. Look harder.
I don't see anyth...
Thursday, March 11, 2010
The Scorpions: Kings of Bad Album Covers
Hello all you lovers of bad art!
I wanted to do a piece tonight on bad heavy metal covers but then I discovered The Scorpions and I'm still having a hard time picking my jaw up off the floor. They're a band that's been around for a long time and they've managed to put out bafflingly bad covers throughout their whole career.
Lets start from the beginning shall we?
Their first album isn't too bad really. It kind of sets the tone for the rest of them though: poorly made and not making a whole lot of sense.
Then we get to their second. Words fail me. I'll just let you enjoy it and try to figure out what the Hell it's supposed to be on your own.
I actually kind of like the cover for their third album. It reminds me of exploitation film posters a little bit. Of course the nipple was censored in quite a few countries. What do people have against nipples anyways?
Then we get to their fourth album. You might want to prepare yourself.
This is the original cover:
This is the point where my jaw hit the floor. Not that I have anything against nudity but this is so tasteless that it's almost genius. Having a naked twelve year old girl on your cover is sketchy enough but calling it Virgin Killer hurtles it over the bad taste line into something else entirely. Something creepy that I'd rather not think about. Of course it was banned in almost every country imaginable (except Japan of course) and this was offered up as an alternative:
Not really offensive, but you think they could have at least changed the title? It's almost as bad with a bunch of sketchy looking dudes on it.
So after the controversy caused by their last album, The Scorps decided to put out an innocent one that would slip entirely under the radar:
Personally I don't see whats so bad about it, but people got pissy and again an alternate was offered:
Oh yeah, that's so much better. Again, couldn't the title have been changed? The Scorpions want to take me by force and it freaks me out!
Again, I am speechless. I...don't get it. I just hope that's gum and not what I think it's supposed to be.
Do you remember in This is Spinal Tap where they're talking about the controversial art work that causes their new album to be released with an all black cover, no title or anything? This is what they were referencing:
While this awful sexist crap was controversial, no alternate cover was actually released. I guess showing the female body is bad enough for censorship but showing them being treated like dogs is A-OK!
Not controversial, but just freakin' weird. What the Hell is going on here?
This one isn't too bad. It's actually kind of tasteful, as tasteful as you're going to get here anyways. Of course someone complained and an alternate was issued with just the band on the cover (Not even worth posting up). Ah Wal-mart, blandness = profit!
With a title like Savage Amusement, you think they could have come up with some pretty insane cover art, but nope. This one's pretty darn tame.
As are the next two in their discography:
You'd think that they were getting old and resting on their laurels, but then they came out in 1996 with this:
It must have sounded like a good idea on paper at least. It looks like they made the damn thing in Photoshop! (This is what we got in the US, by the way.)
I'm not even going to post the boring "head's of the band members" cover from 1999. Lets move on to 2000 when The Scorps rode the trend started by Metallica of recording with a full orchestra:
Again, there's no words for this. No words at all.
In 2001 they released another gimmick album, this time an unplugged one called Acoustica:
And in 2007 they released Humanity: Hour I
These two aren't offensive at all, just strange as Hell. What do they mean? Do they have any connections? If I stare at them long enough will Jesus come down on a flying Pong arcade machine and tell me that the secret of life is to never forget to drink my Ovaltine out of a Fred Fintstone jelly glass? I've been considering these too long, I'm losing my mind!
Alright, back to sanity. 2010 saw the release of Sting in the Tail and a shockingly not crappy or crude or weird cover:
It's like they said (in German probably): "We're old as shit now and no one's going to buy our album anyways. Lets make a cover that doesn't garner us any unwanted attention in the media!" I guess the lesson learned here is that old people just don't like to rock the boat, despite their pasts.
But, hey! We're not done yet. We still have a few compilation albums! Yep, every band or artist that's had even a few hits (and some that have had one or less) put these out. It's a way to wring a few more bucks out of die-hard fans who want to get that one song that's not going to be released anywhere else and give casual fans something quick to buy. The Scorps are no exception. And of course, they have to be insanely crude:
I suppose that's not too bad, especially when you consider what they got in Japan:
Sorry, this is one of the few places I could find a decent size picture of this!
Here's Deadly Sting which came out in 1997:
What's with the stinging women motif's in these?
Here's the clean version:
On second thought...put the woman back. Without her the picture is kind of unnerving don't you think?
And finally we have Bad For Good: The Very Best of the Scorpions which came out in 2002:
I think I know what they were going for here, but they wussed out at the last second. (Hint: I think the guy's head is supposed to be lower.)
So there you have it, a gallery of tastelessness, misogyny, and confusion from Germany. Still, none of these can compare with what I think is the most tasteless cover ever, from a band that I actually really like: (Click here at your own risk!)
Happy nightmares!
Edit: Here's the back cover to Lovedrive (Pointed out by Justin):
I...still don't get it.
I wanted to do a piece tonight on bad heavy metal covers but then I discovered The Scorpions and I'm still having a hard time picking my jaw up off the floor. They're a band that's been around for a long time and they've managed to put out bafflingly bad covers throughout their whole career.
Lets start from the beginning shall we?
Their first album isn't too bad really. It kind of sets the tone for the rest of them though: poorly made and not making a whole lot of sense.
Then we get to their second. Words fail me. I'll just let you enjoy it and try to figure out what the Hell it's supposed to be on your own.
I actually kind of like the cover for their third album. It reminds me of exploitation film posters a little bit. Of course the nipple was censored in quite a few countries. What do people have against nipples anyways?
Then we get to their fourth album. You might want to prepare yourself.
This is the original cover:
This is the point where my jaw hit the floor. Not that I have anything against nudity but this is so tasteless that it's almost genius. Having a naked twelve year old girl on your cover is sketchy enough but calling it Virgin Killer hurtles it over the bad taste line into something else entirely. Something creepy that I'd rather not think about. Of course it was banned in almost every country imaginable (except Japan of course) and this was offered up as an alternative:
Not really offensive, but you think they could have at least changed the title? It's almost as bad with a bunch of sketchy looking dudes on it.
So after the controversy caused by their last album, The Scorps decided to put out an innocent one that would slip entirely under the radar:
Personally I don't see whats so bad about it, but people got pissy and again an alternate was offered:
Oh yeah, that's so much better. Again, couldn't the title have been changed? The Scorpions want to take me by force and it freaks me out!
Again, I am speechless. I...don't get it. I just hope that's gum and not what I think it's supposed to be.
Do you remember in This is Spinal Tap where they're talking about the controversial art work that causes their new album to be released with an all black cover, no title or anything? This is what they were referencing:
While this awful sexist crap was controversial, no alternate cover was actually released. I guess showing the female body is bad enough for censorship but showing them being treated like dogs is A-OK!
Not controversial, but just freakin' weird. What the Hell is going on here?
This one isn't too bad. It's actually kind of tasteful, as tasteful as you're going to get here anyways. Of course someone complained and an alternate was issued with just the band on the cover (Not even worth posting up). Ah Wal-mart, blandness = profit!
With a title like Savage Amusement, you think they could have come up with some pretty insane cover art, but nope. This one's pretty darn tame.
As are the next two in their discography:
You'd think that they were getting old and resting on their laurels, but then they came out in 1996 with this:
It must have sounded like a good idea on paper at least. It looks like they made the damn thing in Photoshop! (This is what we got in the US, by the way.)
I'm not even going to post the boring "head's of the band members" cover from 1999. Lets move on to 2000 when The Scorps rode the trend started by Metallica of recording with a full orchestra:
Again, there's no words for this. No words at all.
In 2001 they released another gimmick album, this time an unplugged one called Acoustica:
And in 2007 they released Humanity: Hour I
These two aren't offensive at all, just strange as Hell. What do they mean? Do they have any connections? If I stare at them long enough will Jesus come down on a flying Pong arcade machine and tell me that the secret of life is to never forget to drink my Ovaltine out of a Fred Fintstone jelly glass? I've been considering these too long, I'm losing my mind!
Alright, back to sanity. 2010 saw the release of Sting in the Tail and a shockingly not crappy or crude or weird cover:
It's like they said (in German probably): "We're old as shit now and no one's going to buy our album anyways. Lets make a cover that doesn't garner us any unwanted attention in the media!" I guess the lesson learned here is that old people just don't like to rock the boat, despite their pasts.
But, hey! We're not done yet. We still have a few compilation albums! Yep, every band or artist that's had even a few hits (and some that have had one or less) put these out. It's a way to wring a few more bucks out of die-hard fans who want to get that one song that's not going to be released anywhere else and give casual fans something quick to buy. The Scorps are no exception. And of course, they have to be insanely crude:
I suppose that's not too bad, especially when you consider what they got in Japan:
Sorry, this is one of the few places I could find a decent size picture of this!
Here's Deadly Sting which came out in 1997:
What's with the stinging women motif's in these?
Here's the clean version:
On second thought...put the woman back. Without her the picture is kind of unnerving don't you think?
And finally we have Bad For Good: The Very Best of the Scorpions which came out in 2002:
I think I know what they were going for here, but they wussed out at the last second. (Hint: I think the guy's head is supposed to be lower.)
So there you have it, a gallery of tastelessness, misogyny, and confusion from Germany. Still, none of these can compare with what I think is the most tasteless cover ever, from a band that I actually really like: (Click here at your own risk!)
Happy nightmares!
Edit: Here's the back cover to Lovedrive (Pointed out by Justin):
I...still don't get it.
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