Monday, November 30, 2009

Mix Tape Game #1

I got exactly zero hours of sleep last night but I still want to get in the habit of posting something every night again, so here's something quick that you can play along with! It's a scavenger hunt Youtube mixtape game!

How to play:
1. Find the following ten songs on Youtube.
2. Listen to all of the songs.
3. Give your thoughts on how you feel about them song by song, and if they fit together well as a whole. Also give any images the songs conjure up in your head. Do they form a coherent story?
4. Post up your own list of ten songs on your own blog.

Easy right? Here's tonights song list:
1. Chris Issak - Wicked Game
2. Roy Orbison - Life Fades Away
3. Pearl Jam - Better man
4. Talking Heads - Heaven
5. Garbage - #1 Crush
6. The Sex Pistols (Sid Vicious) - My Way
7. ?- Night Court Theme Song
8. Pixies - Tame
9. Blind Lemon Jefferson - Black Snake Moan
10. Leonard Cohen - Closing Time

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Two Songs About Weird Fetishes

Note: I don't actually practice any sick fetishes but they do fascinate and repulse me in equal amounts.

You're attracted to me
And I'm attracted to you
But if we have sex
Here's what we have to do
I'll throw up on you
And then you throw up on me
Oh I've been down the road
Of piss and shit before
It does nothing for me
when it hits my face
But when your love comes streaming down
From your mouth while I'm laying down
The sight and smells just blow me away
So baby gorge yourself all day
And then lean over tonight
And throw up on my face
La la la
La la la
Please throw up on my face

Oh I love the smell of plaster
And the stench of your skin
When your arm has been broken
And you couldn't wash it
For a whole month
And I can only love you
If you've got a broken bone
So I guess this is goodbye for now
But you really don't have to go
Just wear this head cast when we fuck
And maybe this leg one too
Oh and maybe just once you could wear
The full body cast when we screw
Hey babe where are you going?
It's not that big of a thing
There's nothing wrong thinking it's hot
When your arm is in a sling

I just thought of something. I wonder if there's Emetophiliacs that are also cast fetishists? That would be pretty sick wouldn't it? "Here honey, just put on this head cast and let me puke on your face!"

Speedy the Clown

Speedy's show is on early in the morning on Saturdays. All the cool kids age two to six get up and sit in front of the TV in their feety pajamas, eating their cereal, most likely a box with Speedy's painted clown face on it. They watched, entranced, as the show opens with a curtain and a slowly building organ chord. Then Speedy tumbles out and the organ goes into super goofy mode. He dances around and sings the show's theme song. The kids laugh and sing along, some of them quieter because they'll wake their parents up. Some of their parents aren't home, so they don't care.
One by one the other characters come out and sing a verse. There's Stinky Bill, who is usually the butt of Speedy's mean jokes and pranks. He's a dirty hobo that speaks with a stutter and a lisp that makes the kids laugh. Except for the kids that actually have stutters and lisps. They feel bad for Bill when he get squirted in the face with water or kicked down a flight of stairs. But there's other characters to laugh at. There's Fat Marie who usually comes on during Speedy's cooking segments and eats all of the ingredients before Speedy can make anything. Speedy usually solves this by putting hot sauce in some of the food, or a mouse trap, when he's feeling really mean.
Woody the puppet is next, singing about poop and pee, and then pooping and peeing everywhere. That's his schtick, and the kids all think it's funny when he hits Speedy in the face with a stream of urine. Sometimes he'll show up during the cooking segments and poop in the food. Usually this is then served to Bill, who eats it while the kids in the audience go into hysterics.
Finally, the last main character is Principal Uptight, who tries to make the kids sit down and behave, and usually ends up getting the worst of Speedy's pranks. In the opening Speedy hits him with a two by four in the back of the head and he falls face first into a pile of Woody's poop. Then the song ends and the show starts. Today's special guest is John Hinckley Jr., on loan from the St. Elizabeth's Hospital in Washington, D.C. A Jodie Foster look-a-like hits him in the face with pies...
During the first commercial break a PSA is run that tells the kids to not talk to strangers. Ominous music plays and pictures of several missing kids are shown. One of these kids is a little blonde girl named Robyn Lynne, who vanished from a taping of The Speedy the Clown show a few months ago. They think she may have taken a ride home from someone that wasn't her parents, after the show was over...
After an hour of pies and tricks involving squirting water and firecrackers, and smacks to the head with two by fours, the show is over. Speedy and the cast sing their usual goodbye song and wave as the screen fades to black. The kids in the audience go home, and helpful policemen check wrist bands to make sure they're all going home with the right people.
Speedy doesn't say goodbye to any of the other cast members. He simply walks out of the studio, gets in his car, and drives home. The other cast members will meet in a dive bar down the street later that night and get hammered and complain about Speedy and their low pay. Bill has a noose specially set up in his closet that he'll stare at when he gets home. Marie will drink lots of red wine that she knows will upset her stomach so she doesn't have to put her finger down her throat.
John, Woody's puppeteer, will spend most of his week till the next show taping, drawing pictures of Speedy having violent sex with the rest of the cast. He has these in a large folder, which he doesn't' show to anyone else. When they come over sometimes to drink and bask in each other's meager company, he locks these up. He's a nice guy and he feels guilty about making those pictures but theres an evil side that comes out when he's alone with nothing to do. He usually masturbates to these pictures while weeping profusely.
Robert Paulson, who plays Principal Uptight, has a wife and kids that he can go home to and yell at and beat up without fear of reprimand or a pie in the face. His battered wife is just about at the end of her rope and the network may have to write his character out of the show soon...
And what of Speedy? He of the large paycheck and nice house? Speedy doesn't take his make-up off when he gets to his large empty house. He doesn't change his clothes either. When he gets home he heads right to the basement, a converted wine cellar. There's a little blonde haired girl down there that he has chained to the wall. After giving her some wine they'll have fun and Speedy will think up gags for the next week's show, acting them out on her. Of course, he likes to throw a few things in that would never make it on TV, but these are the most fun things he can think of to do....
Speedy's show is number one in the ratings for Saturday mornings. All the kids love it and watch it religiously and whine and cry till their parents buy all the Speedy merchandise. Someday the truth about the show will come to light and the whole thing will implode...

Some cheery music to play you out:

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Estonian Animation

Yes, other countries besides Japan and America make cartoons...

Bonus: Russian Winnie the Pooh! (Vinni Puh)

I think this stuff is incredible. If you guys are interested I'll post some more up.

Baby Blue, it's all over for you too

It wasn't long ago
When you had the world at your fingertips
Now all you can see
Are these factory walls
You're on top of a sinking ship
And oh ho ho
Is there nothing you can do?
Because Baby Blue
It's all over for you too

It wasn't long ago
When the sun shone down upon your head
Now the clouds have come to play
And all you can see
Is that your guardian angels
Are all dead
And oh ho ho
What do you expect me to do?
Because Baby Blue
It's all over for you too

I can't say that I'm sad
Because your success just made me mad
Why'd you have to rub it in my face?
But now you're down below
Where all the losers go
And theres no one to buy you a beer
In the whole damn place

It wasn't long ago
That you stamped the world underneath your feet
But now all that you can do
Is lie in your bed and stew
And mope until they put out in the street
And where will you go when they do?
Because Baby Blue
It's all over for you too

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Into the White

Theres nothing here. There's nothing fucking here! I can't...I...I dug all goddamn day. My hands are covered in blisters and sores, my back is screaming in pain, and the sunburn on my face is pure agony. And for what? There was nothing. No-thing at fucking all. I'm...I'm done for. I have no money left, no way to get back to the main road unless I cross the desert again, which I have no energy for, and the food I back-packed in is only going to last me a couple weeks. I knew getting into this that if I failed I'd be up shit creek without a paddle, but I was so sure it was here. I was so fucking sure....

Is that what they told you?
What who told me?
The aliens that abducted you.
They didn't "abduct me" I went willingly. And I'm not so sure they were aliens at all.
Well then what were they? They looked like aliens right? The large black eyes, skinny with gray skin, the whole bit...
I think they looked like that because that's what I thought they'd look like.
Jesus, you're fucking insane.
See, thats why I didn't tell you the whole story. I'm not telling anybody the whole thing because they'd think I was nuts. They already do.
Shit man, I'm sorry, let me buy you another beer...

I tried another spot today, thinking maybe I had miscalculated or made some huge error. I chose the exact opposite side of the shack and dug for as long as my strength would hold out. All I found was a dead dog skeleton. I buried the rest of it, but kept the head. As I write this by flickering lamplight, lying on this filthy mattress, I can see it watching me from the table in the middle of the room, even though it's too dark to see it's eye sockets. I'll try talking to it tomorrow, tell it I'm sorry for digging it up, that it was an accident. I'm going to need all the friends I can get out here...

I remember being asleep the first time. I was asleep and dreaming about this girl that sat in front of me in math class, the one with the pretty eyes. I was taking her clothes off when suddenly everything faded away and I woke up to a blinding white light. I was floating in some sort of fluid and there were other things moving around me but they were hard to see even when they brushed up against me. It felt like I was being watched and it scared me. That was the first time. I woke up on the lawn that morning. Mom said I had sleepwalked there, I knew better....

I can't do it anymore. I can't fucking do it. I've dug up around this whole fucking place. I've even torn up the floor of the shack and there's nothing. You can't even know how that feels, to hold that emptiness in your hands, when you were promised, when you fucking knew, that salvation would be given to you. It was supposed to be so easy. They lied to me, the bastards lied to me. I'm so weak that I can't even move from the floor. I finished the last of the bread and water yesterday. That fucking skull is laughing at me, but I'm too weak to stop it. Even if I could get up and smash it, what if the laughter didn't stop? What if it's not coming from whatever soul haunts this place? What if it's coming from inside my own head?

The third time they appeared in the clich├ęd alien forms. I was sixteen and had snuck out of the house to go to a beer party. I was running through the woods, trying to make my way to County Road 86 when they just appeared, long skinny gray beings encased in bright white light. They took me up in what I assume was their ship. They might have used some sort of mental telepathy. I don't remember metal or anything tangible, I just remember floating. Floating past the moon, past Pluto and Charon, past the edge of our solar system. I saw planets and stars that scientists had only glimpsed through telescopes, I saw them from far away, I hovered over dead planet surfaces, I felt the horrible heat from their suns. I drifted past the end of the galaxy and saw things that I can't describe. I saw creatures living on planets, beings so far out of our realm of comprehension that I my mind couldn't make sense of what it was seeing. But I knew they lived, I could feel life pulsating all around me. A million waves of energy poured into my soul, lifting me into the heavenly paradise of the eternal void....

Why did they lie to me? The dog skull has no answers, he's shut up for a change. Why did they lie? They told me...they told me it was here...

The other inmates in this place don't like me. Thats good, I don't like them. I'm not like them, I'm not insane. I'm not going to cut my wrists or run into a church and smack a priest in the head with a two by four. I'm not dangerous. It's just that everyone thinks I am. I suppose thats what you get for almost killing yourself out in the desert and then trying to break into a government facility after you're rescued. I suppose I shouldn't have killed those guards. But they don't matter. Their souls will be recycled and they'll be re-born on some other plane of existence. The only problem is that they won't remember any of their past lives. If I could have found what they told me I needed to look for, I could have traveled all across time and existence, switching realities at will. But now I'm stuck here, left to rot. And no one will play Checkers with me...

Monday, November 23, 2009

A Short Guide to The Pixies

I was originally going to do this awhile ago, but I didn't think anyone would be interested. Spumkin asked me yesterday on Twitter what Pixies albums I would recommend so I decided to do a short guide to their short discography. (I'm not going to talk too much about whats on these since you need to discover it for yourself, I'll just give some general thoughts.)

First off, to decide if you like The Pixies or not please watch this music video:

The Pixies are a band that you'll either love till you die or hate with all your being, I don't think there's much in between. Debaser is their essence boiled into one song and a pretty good litmus test for new fans. If that song grabbed you, then you're officially hooked. If it didn't then I'm sorry. No, I'm really sorry that you can't enjoy The Pixies. Have fun listening to your Bon Jovi albums. As for the rest of us...

Come on Pilgrim

Despite being their first official recording, this isn't a very good place to start. Most bands first albums are a bit shaky and Frank Black and Co. are no exception. That's not to say that it's not a good album (actually a short sample of an early demo tape) in fact it's incredible in it's own way, but there's other stuff you should listen to first. Like...

Surfer Rosa (1998)

This is where it's at ladies and gentlemen. This album changed my life. It's partially responsible for the being that types before you. It rocked my world the first time I heard it and it continues to do so now. This is the one that you should get first, this brilliant messy awesome piece of awesomeness. It's the band at their most energetic, Frank Black at his most weird lyrically, and Kim Deal even gets to write and sing a song, which would happen less and less as time went on. I listened to this for years, afraid to get the next album because I was afraid it would never be as good. Was it?

Doolittle (1989)

Yes. It might even be better than Surfer Rosa, I really can't decide between the two, it's like picking between my children. It's still fucking essential. It's a bit poppier and slicker than Rosa but there's so many good songs on it that doesn't fucking matter. I love every song on here but it's insane how many standouts there are, how many defining songs they recorded on this one album. Most bands only get in one or two per album, Doolittle has six! So should you stop here?

Bossanova (1990)

No. Bossanova may be The Pixies worst album, but that in no way means it's bad, in fact it still has some of their best songs on it. I can't really understand why fans hate it so much. I think maybe it's because it's so different, instead of the maniac energy of their early albums, this has more of a laid back surfer rock feel. Plus Kim Deal isn't present on as much of it, which is a huge bummer. (For more Kim Deal please check out her side band The Breeders.)

Trompe Le Monde (1991)

Bastards got their energy back didn't they? And Frank Black's obsession with aliens and space comes full force. And Kim is pushed even further into the background. And then the band breaks up. It's a Hell of a last album though. Most bands would just throw out a half ass piece of crap at this point, but The Pixies gave it their all till the end. So that's it right? Sorta.

Complete 'B' Sides (2001)

Yeah, you need this. You know you do. Even Pixies throwaway tracks are worth filling your ear-holes with.

At the BBC (1998)

This is the only Pixies album I have that I'm not too big on. It's not bad, it's just the only one that's inessential, consisting mostly of lackluster live tracks of their better studio stuff. It's too bad too because the band was killer live usually. There are some stand out tracks, however. It's almost worth a buy to hear the band rip The Beatles Honey Pie to fucking shreds and to get the best version of their cover of the lady in the radiator song from Eraserhead.

So there you have it. Skip all the compilations and just get the albums, man! Revel in the beauty and ugliness, the weirdness, the brief lovely mess that was The Pixies.

Sunday, November 22, 2009


I made the front page of Dumm Comics!:

These guys are my heroes and when I saw my picture up on the news page this morning I almost jumped out of my chair!
Thanks for being so cool you guys!

I promise to get some writing up soon, there'll be some movie reviews on Crud Load of Movies and some experimental story stuff I've been working on.
After my cyclical down period I feel renewed and ready to write again! So check back soon!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Favorite Animal House Quotes

Another random post.

Dean Wormer: "Greg, what is the worst fraternity on this campus?"
Greg: "Well that would be hard to say, sir. They're each outstanding in their own way.
Dean Wormer: Cut the horseshit, son. I've got their disciplinary files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode."
Greg: "You're talking about Delta, sir."
Dean Wormer: "Of course I'm talking about Delta, you TWERP!"

Flounder walks up to a bunch of guys playing cards: "You guys playing cards?"

Bluto, after spitting mashed potatoes from his mouth: "I'm a zit, get it?"

Bluto: "They took the bar! The whole fucking bar!"

Dean Wormer: "The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me."

Stork: "Well, what the hell we supposed to do, ya moron?"

Hoover: "Will you tell those assholes to shut up?"
Boon: "Hey! Shut up you assholes!"

Bluto: "Grab a brew, it don't cost nothin'"

Bluto, after smashing a dorky singer's guitar on the wall: "Sorry."

Dean Wormer: "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

Bluto: "Holy shit!"
D-Day: "I thought there were blanks in that gun!"
Flounder: "I didn't even point the gun at him!"
Bluto: "Holy shit!"
[D-Day checks the gun]
D-Day: "There WERE blanks in that gun!"
Flounder: "Maybe he had a heart attack."
Bluto: "HOLY SHIT!"

And last but not least, my favorite bit of AH dialog:
Jennings: "Teaching is just a way to pay the bills until I finish my novel."
Boon: "How long you been workin' on it?"
Jennings: "Four and a half years."
Pinto: "It must be very good."
Jennings: "It's a piece of shit. Would anyone like to smoke some pot?"

Dumm Fan Fiction

Apologies to all the Dumm Artists, past and present.

Skadi squinted her eyes against the falling darkness and looked down the sloping plain. She had walked all day but the mountains far off in the distance never seemed to get nearer, the blasted empty plain she had been trekking on seemed endless. Plus she hadn't seen any animals to eat for days. Her stomach grumbled and she looked down at her squat gray traveling companion. She had thought about eating him before when no other beasts could be found for consumption, but she had already crossed Bushbeasts off her list long ago and he was good to use as a shield in a pinch. She shivered and crossed her arms across her chest. Darn old blasted plain was cold! She looked down at Diseasoid again. His fur looked mighty warm...
He looked up at her questioningly and she sighed. He wouldn't be a very good slave without any skin, she reasoned. Without a word she started walking again towards the mountains and her disease ridden companion followed at her heels...
She didn't realize he was gone till she came upon an odd looking leafless plant. Sitting on one of it's woody branches was a fuzzy little worm. Skadi licked her lips and her stomach growled. Another one to cross of her list! When she tried to grab it, however, it snarled and snapped at her fingers. Hmmm, that wasn't good. She'd have to stab it with something first. She put her arm behind her and motioned for her slave to hand over something stabby from the pile of sharp stabby things he carried. When nothing was forthcoming she turned around confused. All that she could see was the dark blasted plain stretched out beneath the moonlit night.
Anger rose up in her. How dare he run off? When she found where he ran off to, he would pay! Oh how he would pay! Nobody escaped from Skadi, nobody! She stomped off the way they had come....
Skadi opened her eyes to a roaring fire and a strange creature seated in front of it. Diseasoid was there too, roasting a sausage. She sat up in anger, ready to pummel him but the pain in her head made her calm down. She had missed seeing the hole in hole in the ground too late. Stupid rookie wanderers mistake. She crawled over to the fire, sat cross legged, and looked at the strange creature. Diseaseoid offered her a sausage and she stuffed it into her mouth hungrily.
The creature did not speak, but appeared to be in some sort of meditative state. He was a black dog-like thing wearing rather beat up looking robes. Skadi scrabbled around in the darkness outside the fire till she found her weapons bundle and pulled out a pointy stick. With her tongue set firmly in the corner of her mouth, she set about reaching over the fire to poke the thing....
It must be a deep state of meditation, she thought as she poked several holes in it's head, watching as the blood flowed down it's face. Maybe it was talking to it's gods? Frustrated she lifted the stick up and give the creature a mighty smash on the top of the head.
"Garduno cormican rice swarr!" It screamed as it woke up. It looked around the underground cave in surprise.
"Whats dis?" It said, puzzled. "I has veesitors!" It looked at Diseasoid. "And one of dem is eating my sooply of sausages!"
Angrily it leaped over the fire with teeth bared to attack the harbinger of all disease and filth. Skadi watched as it fruitlessly chewed on Diseasoid's head, who merely shrugged in confusion.
Suddenly it stopped and fell off, lying on the ground in a heap. It's breath came in wheezing gasps and multicolored spots appeared all over it's body.
"That was stupid. You know you're going to die now right?" Said Skadi, not moving from where she sat.
"Can I at leest see yer boobs?" It wheezed.
"Mention my boobs again strange creature of strangeness, and you'll find yourself fueling this fire." She looked at it confused. "Where'd you get the wood for this anyways?"
The thing turned on it's side and vomited. "Dat's not important now. What's important is dat you heer my story. It ess a long sad tale, full of misery and woe and..."
"Boring!" Skadi interrupted, taking another bite of sausage.
The thing wheezed. "I once had money and riches! I once had a nice house in de suburbs and a bootiful wife! I once had..."
As he spoke his voice took on a hypnotic tone and Skadi found herself transported to a strange new land...
The translation of the spell book was almost complete which was a good thing since it was almost three in the morning. Kimbo had to go to work in three hours. He'd most assuredly be fired after dropping some old ladies expensive lamp but he hated being a furniture mover anyways. One last word, but it was a doozy. Corrozahorvathgemmill? What the Hell did that mean? It was frustrating because with just one more word the portal to an alternate dimension would open! Two worlds would be linked! He'd be hailed as supreme smart guy and given lots of medals and awards and fancy pants. He looked down at his own pants. They were so not fancy that it made him sad. He refocused on the word and the translation key. So close...
A knock came from the lab door and it opened a crack. A voice spoke.
"Kimbo, honey? Come back to bed. I don't want you to get fired again. Remember last time when they shut the power off and all the food in the fridge went bad and we had to resort to making our own booze out of wallpaper glue and selling it to that smelly sailor drunk that lived down by the docks?"
Ah Vespula. He loved her more than anything. Well, almost anything. He ignored her and eventually she stopped talking and went away.
"Dats how you solve problems!" He said to himself and refocused on the spell book.
One word, one stupid little word....
With a blinding flash in his head, he had it. It was all so simple now. He chuckled, then laughed, then broke out into a loud evil cackle as he yelled the mystery word out loud...
Skadi snapped out of her trance and looked down at the dog-thing who's hood had fallen off, revealing it's weird looking ears.
"The portal opened up and I came to dis land to find nothin' but pain and misery. I've been chased and almost eatin' by so many things but I survived. And now you come heer wif your little gray friend and ya find a way ta off me! It's not fair I tells ya! Oh Vespula honey, I is coming to meet ya in dat big dinner theater show in da sky. Oh sweet death I open my..." WHAM!
Skadi's club came down hard on his head, crushing it and scattering brain and maggots all over the floor.
She looked down at the thing. Well this part of the adventure had been pointless. She couldn't eat this thing because it was diseased as well as boring. She looked at Diseasoid.
"Give me sausages!" She barked.
"Awl grown." He shrugged in reply.
Skadi frowned. She had to check another creature off her list, she just had to. Suddenly a squeaking from the corner caught her ear...
The two mice were quite tasty and they cooked up well. Funny how they were wearing little clothes though. One of them had a little dress on and the other had on some sort of strange pants. It wasn't as weird as that raccoon with the frog suit she had eaten last month though...

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

More Late Night Ramblings

When the man in the windowless black van pulls up to you and offers you candy, are you going to take it?
Well, that depends on what kind of candy it is. Some Sour Patch Kids or some Airheads? Fuck yeah! But not Elephant Peanuts or Bit o Honey. Getting raped is not worth stale Elephant Peanuts.
Say Elephant Peanuts ten times fast. That about describes that terrible excuse for candy. Who eats that shit anyways? I never got it for Halloween but I always saw it sitting on the two for a dollar candy shelf at the gas station along with these terrible lozenges and candy necklaces. I never saw the point of candy necklaces. Maybe it was because I'm of the male gender and wearing jewelry in grade school would get you beaten up, even if it was made of candy. Actually I think the bullies would beat you up and then take your shitty edible jewelry. The only thing they were good for was putting one "bead" between your teeth and then flinging it at someone. Then you'd get beat up for being stupid and flinging candy at people. Candy necklaces were just a bad idea all around.
One cheap candy I actually used to like were these tiny wax soda bottles. They had some weird liquid inside and it was fun to chew them up or see how many you could fit in your mouth at once. They didn't last very long though.
Why am I talking about candy? I have no idea. This is pretty much coming straight from my head.

I think when I'm over tired, ideas flow better. I get images in my head that don't come when I'm fully awake and mostly sane. Maybe it's because I'm poking at the wall of sleep and not actually entering it that I can pull from it's twisted reality. If I didn't have a job I would stay up late every night and write till I passed out.
If I didn't have a job I would travel all over and see lots of concerts and art museums and meet all my heroes and invite them all over for a big party.
I don't know where I'd get the money for all this. I suppose I should start kissing up to rich old ladies that look like they're about to keel over and then they'll leave me all their money and huge mansions in their wills. A mansion party would be the best. Spoons in the great hall, epic games of sardines all through the house. A rock concert in the ball room. If Shane wasn't too drunk I'd get The Pouges. Of course then I'd have to get lots of beer. Nevermind, I'd have lots of beer anyways. Vodka pong in the game room!
I think I'd build my own mansion like the one in Luigi's Mansion, with the exact same floor plan and room designs. That fucking place has everything!

So I was thinking about this story right? About this guy that cuts his finger opening a can of beans. And he gets blood inside the can and the beans come to life as little vampire beans. They try to bite him but he just shrugs and dumps the can onto a skillet and cooks them while they scream in pain. Then the man lies down to go to sleep and farts.
Thats the whole story. Pretty good eh? Whats the moral though? "Vampire beans are tasty but they give you gas" I guess.
How about a lady that's watching Maury and gets sucked into the TV. Suddenly she's sitting on the stage and Maury says "The tests proved that Hank is the baby's father."
And she looks over and there's this nasty pile of dripping vomit with fangs sitting next to her in the chair. She starts to cry,
Maury says "What's wrong?"
And she replies "I'm just so glad that my baby isn't a dirty Jew!"
I'm sorry that was terrible. I'm not a racist but I thought the shock ending would be good....fuck it, whatevers. It's almost two in the morning.
I'll leave you with some Buck Owens.
What? Whats wrong with Buck? You start bad mouthing Mr. Owens and you and me are going to have to step outside. And it's cold out there. And I'm not wearing pants. So just listen to the man sing his song okay?

Monday, November 16, 2009

It's 4 am, please God let me sleep!

Oh wait, I forgot, there is no God. Jokes on me I guess.
When I can't sleep I toss and turn till it's agony trying to force myself to sleep. Then I get up and browse the Internet or write what ever crazy half formed thoughts are in my head. Sort of like now.
I haven't had a spell of insomnia for awhile now, I'm hoping this isn't the start of a persistent problem again. If you've never had insomnia, then you have no idea how bad it sucks, especially when you have to be for work at six in the morning. Like I have to be in two hours and I haven't slept all night.

I did get this cool image in my head out of no where though. It's of these kids tramping around a field on a moonlit night. They're all wearing cheap Halloween costumes. There's a girl who's a witch, a boy with a cheap skeleton mask, and another boy that's a devil. I guess my brain is just ripping of Tim Burton now.
I can't quite figure out where they're going, the field is by a woods but I don't know if they go in or not. They're doing this weird dance and singing. Maybe they're not children at all? Maybe they're spirits of the night come to steal away some poor village woman's baby while in the guise of children in dime store masks. Maybe they're just kids that snuck out on Halloween night. Either way, I don't know if I want to be around when they find what they're looking for...

Ack! Bed, bed bed bed. I'm so tired, why can't I sleep? Work is going to be so miserable! I guess I should stop writing and try to sleep again eh? Yes, that is what I shall do. Maybe I'll dream about the children of the night, dancing around some poor farmer's field in the cold glow of the moon. They're my children even though their birth was involuntary. I hope the little bastards don't decide my soul will make a tasty snack. As a father, soul eating is something I much frown upon. Damn those woods are spooky. I just got a good look at them. No one in their right mind would go under those trees at night. Stay away my children! Your doom awaits!

Clunk! (That was the sound of me falling unconscious on the floor. How am I still typing? I'm typing with my mind, ooooh, spooky!)

Music Monday

Sorry for not posting much lately. Stuff is happening, but sort of behind the scenes. Diana sent me some rough sketches for the illustrations in my kid's book and they already look awesome. I'm really excited about it!

Today I will give you some of the music I've been perusing on the Youtubes.

This might be the most awesome thing ever. It's got to be in the running:

I had no idea Alan Jackson's version of this song was a cover. I actually prefer this original version, but then I'm a huge Roger Miller fan:

Props to TVtropes for informing me that The Pussycat Dolls massively annoying song is actually a cover of an even shittier one, which actually rips off this Sir Mix-a-Lot jam!

Oh and here's another original that, to me, is actually miles better than the more famous cover. Ednaswap's Torn has a grungy quality that got completely torn out of the Natalie Imbruglia hit version. Watch it synced up to NI's video and see if you don't agree with me. (More mad props to TVtropes again for this bit of musical trivia!)

No comment really, I just freaking love this song! It's the one that George gets stuck in his head on Seinfeld.

And finally, if you haven't experienced the insane (literally) genius of Wesley Willis you can't honestly say that you're into outsider music. Start here and then head to Youtube to hear more:

Have a good day on Earth, fellow humans!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

New Post (?)

I've been going through one of my unproductive/tired/uninspired periods. I don't know if other artists and writers go through it but it sucks and I hate it. One day you have all these ideas and energy and then the next there's nothing, the well is just dry.

Here's some random shit from my brain just so I can write and post something and make my free time seem like not a total waste.

When I was a kid most of my clothes were hand-me-downs from my cousins and I wore my jeans till they fell apart. Having holes in them wasn't cool because it meant you were poor and couldn't afford jeans that didn't look like shit.
So flash forward several years and find me with my mind boggled at the idea of buying expensive pre-ripped jeans in actual stores. I was told it was the cool thing to do. I pointed out that you could get much cheaper real ripped jeans at Goodwill and was told that it wasn't cool if the rips were real. I didn't get it then, I still don't get it now. Why would you pay lots of money to look poor?

Subnormality had it's 500th strip posted today and it's possibly the best one yet:
Rowntree seriously needs to make a huge book of his work. He's got a pretty good size fan base now and those puppies would sell out faster than Paris Hilton's snatch at a back alley auction. I know I'd get one for me and a few other people that I think would deserve it. (A Subnormality book, not Paris's snatch...)

I was trying to think today of what freaked me out the most TV/movie-wise when I was a kid. First and foremost was the fucking orange from Sesame Street:

The orange inhabits it's own surreal world where it's created by outside forces all so it can sing opera. What happens after the clip is over? Does it get taken back apart now that it's purpose is spent? Man, what a cruel statement about the futility of man's existence. I hate you orange. I hate you for all the nightmares you gave me as a kid. I hate the fact that you're still creepy after all these years, your unnatural claymation movements and videogame sounds suggesting an entire world of creepy shit just like you that exists in a parallel dimension. And most of all I hate that you're more disturbing than any story I could write or movie I could make. I hope they ate you after the recording was finished. I hope they peeled your skin back and ate your flesh. I hope they cracked your nut open and ate the insides out of your nose. I hope you're burning in a fiery Hell where people eat you everyday but somehow you're still alive, singing Carmen while you get devoured over and over for all eternity. Fuck you orange, fuck you hard.

The Nostalgia Critic also reminded me of a movie called We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story where the villain gets devoured at the end by a flock of crows. I had shoved that particular memory back into some far flung closet of my brain but now it's back to give me nightmares again:

Jesus, what kind of an ending to a kid's movie is that? No wonder I'm so messed up in the head.
Shit like that would never fly today. I'm kind of on the fence if that's a good thing or not...

There should be some Cinema Sewer up this weekend, I've got some movies that look wonderfully bad that I can't wait to get into once I get some free time and I'm not so damn tired. Specifically two movies that feature a woman with insanely large breasts that plays a secret agent. The picture on the inside of the DVD case is so insane I can't stop staring at it...

Monday, November 9, 2009

Song for Madison Stone

Oh Madison Stone
Why did you go?
You've got me in a trance
I think that you should know
You've been in my dirty dreams
Ever since I was thirteen
Oh Madison Stone
Why did you go?
You've still got me in a trance
I think that you should know

The first time I saw you
You were dancing with a blonde
Then you both sat down
And took off your clothes
And then you got it on
I'll never forget the sound of your voice
Or the ring in your tongue
Forbidden scenes
Coming off the screen
I felt like I was drunk

Oh Madison Stone
Why did you go?
You've got me in a trance
I think that you should know
You've been in my dirty dreams
Ever since I was thirteen
Oh Madison Stone
Why did you go?
You've still got me in a trance
I think that you should know

Did you get tired of the adult film life
And getting it from behind?
Or did you just want something more
And a much more stable life?
Or did you just tire of the acting life
After Evil Toons?
I just gotta say
You blew me away
Whenever you walked in the room

Oh Madison Stone
Why did you go?
You've got me in a trance
I think that you should know
You've been in my dirty dreams
Ever since I was thirteen
Oh Madison Stone
Why did you go?
You've still got me in a trance
I think that you should know

You've still got me in a trance
I think that you should know...

Madison Stone retired from the Adult Film Business in 1998 and now runs a tattoo parlor in Toluca Woods, California. She's the only porn star I've ever been obsessed with since she seems to be the only one that has an ounce of personality and one of the few to actually appear in mainstream movies. Well, as mainstream as you can get with a movie called Evil Toons (but it did star John Carradine!). She also had a small role in the 90s disaster epic Daylight that starred Sly Stallone, which I plan on renting soon. Oh and the front of the neck Madison Piercing is named after her. Pretty good for a woman who starred in a movie called Total Reball. Visit her at

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Book Updates

I started putting this thing together today, taking into consideration Justin's suggestions on what should go in. I took quite a few out, however, that were made just to be silly and I don't think would be good to publish. Tomorrow I've got to finish up some of the stories that have hanging endings and write a few new pieces.

In case you're curious, here's the cover picture, drawn by the great Nico Colaleo! Please visit his blog at

The title is going to be A Smell of Whiskey, A Swallow of Blood.

The book is split up into poems and a writings sections, I still need two pictures to grace the openings for those if anyone is interested. You'll get 20 bucks a picture!

Friday, November 6, 2009

Gone But Not Forgotten (Hopefully)

This was posted at 2 in the morning. Please forgive another post made almost entirely of videos. I'll get some actual writing up tomorrow.

Let me introduce you to my friend Gary Stewart:

Now that, my friends, is real country music with real feeling behind it. It also has it's own distinctive booze soaked style, it's not just pop music with a twangy guitar by some asshole wearing a cowboy hat. Gary lived the pain that came through in his voice.

Despite critical accolades, he was ignored by a genre that was slowly turning to homogenized crap in the 1970s and eventually took his own life. Almost nobody knows about this guy today, and it's a damn shame.

To me, Gary Stewart is the bridge between old and new country. His music is still seeped in the roots that country music started out of, but it leans towards rock and roll quite a bit. He deserves to be more well known and I'm hoping to build a cult following around him.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

I Hate Stupid People

Yeah, I said I wasn't going to post till the weekend. The thing is, I got really itchy not having written anything all day. Oh and this thing happened...

I almost got arrested today. I can't go into full details but it really wasn't my fault. It was a military training exercise, and this idiot that was supposed to be escorting me to my next post (it's supposed to be like a real war, where you never go anywhere without a wingman to watch your back) decided to try a bit of training on his own, despite my warnings to not do anything stupid. Unfortunately it wasn't a scheduled part of the exercise and thus the higher-ups thought it was real world. Cue both of us lying face down on the pavement with our hands on our heads while Security Forces tries to figure out what the Hell happened. Luckily Stupid McDumbass took full responsibility and I got to watch him get handcuffed and searched while I got off free. He got off pretty easy though, despite the fact that if it were a real war-time situation, we both could have gotten shot. All he really got was a talking to by the higher-ups. It's a good thing we didn't have to go down to the police station to fill out reports because I probably would have beat the living shit out of the guy.

So, even though it turned out all right, I'm still pissed. I'm pissed because what he did was so random and stupid. I'm pissed because his stupidity resulted in both of us almost getting arrested (and possibly killed, if it were a real world situation.) I'm mostly still pissed because, if talking to him afterwards is any indication, the fucker didn't learn anything. Isn't that the true definition of stupidity? Not learning from your mistakes? I really hope he gets kicked out of the military because someday he's going to do something stupid and random that's going to get people hurt or killed. Maybe he'll learn then. I doubt it.

Today's moral: Don't be an idiot. Everything you do has consequences. Think before you act!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Taking a Short Break

Lately I've been posting pretty regularly but this week has been pretty exhausting for me both physically and mentally.
I hope no one minds if I take a few days off and come back on Saturday or Sunday. Cause that is what I intends to do. (Insert grumble about working twelve hour shifts all week and having to get up at 4 AM.)

On the good news side, there's a new Tales of Mere Existence up!:

Update: I just found this which made me laugh pretty hard:

(The audio is from Raging Bull, by the way.)

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Music Video Tuesday

I had an awful fucking day today so I've been playing music since I got home to try to cheer myself up. Maybe you could use some cheering up to?

Smashing Pumpkins - Tonight Tonight

Buster Keaton and Ukulele Ike!

The best version of one of my favorite songs ever

Monday, November 2, 2009

Fear the Reaper

Inspired by Tess Gerritsen's novel The Bone Garden.

So yer work day is done
And you go out on the town
You take your money down by the bay
To the pub down by the shore
To find a good whore
To lay all yer troubles away

At the old Hog's head inn
For a fiver and quid
You find a girl who's pretty and stout
She's got one lazy eye
And a smell that attracts flies
And her teeth are all fallin' out

But she's good enough for you
For a quick dirty screw
So you take her out under the bridge
And yer screams fill the night
As you get your delights
Then ya blow and you're done with the midge

As you button yer fly
And think of the fire
That waits for you back home by your bed
You see something move
That blocks out the moon
But you think that the drinks gone to yer head

Then there's a flash of a knife
And your throats open wide
As you gasp for air in surprise
Then it comes down once more
And your stomach is tore
And your guts lay down by your side

And the last thing you spy
Is a pair of black eyes
Set in a face as pale as the moon
As your life fades away
You realize too late
Who's dealt you your fate much too soon

So beware for your life
All those who go out at night
Lest you end up a corpse
For a med school to slice
Beware of the whores
That stay by the shores
And beware of the reaper's sharp knife!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Random Thoughts 01-Nov-09

So I just finished Sweeney Todd with Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter and Alan Rickman. If you get at a chance to see it, it's really something else. The only other horror musical I can think of is Little Shop of Horrors and that was pretty much a straight comedy. Sweeney Todd has an undercurrent of black comedy but thanks to the crazy amount of gore it presents, it's pretty much a slasher film. Yep, you heard thats right: it's a musical slasher film. If that sounds like your cup of tea, then I'd give it a rent. Plus Sacha Baron Cohen is in it, and I swear he couldn't not be great unless he tried.
One thing I really like about it was that it's a Victorian era horror film, which you don't see much of nowadays. It's odd too because it seems like the perfect period to see a horror film in. On top of the Victorian obsession with death there's a lot of creepiness to be gained just from the hospitals of the time. From what I've read you went to the hospital pretty much as a last resort since they were quite nasty places and the main way to cure anything was bleeding and cupping. (If you don't know what cupping is, thats a good thing, stay ignorant.)
I'm kind of obsessed with the Victorian era, but I don't know enough about it yet to write stories set in that time period. I know it was a time of huge technological advances which created more misery than anything since there were no work safety rules and if you lost your arm in a machine, they could just fire you and that was it. There were no child labor laws either. If you were rich you were alright though. Unless you caught some horrible disease.
I also know they had a rigid class structure and insane hang ups about sex.

So anyways...
I was thinking today about artists vs. writers and people, like me, who for whatever reason, have no artistic ability. I think John K actually called us "slightly retarded". I think that's a bit harsh. I think the ability to create images in another person's mind using descriptive words is not something not everyone can do. Not well anyways. It's an art like drawing or playing an instrument that requires skill, natural talent, and a large amount of practice to get good at. All you really need to convince you of that is to pick up a bad novel or short story or read one of the millions of horrible fan fictions that pepper the Internet.
I also think it's harder to sell writing than it is to sell paintings or drawings. If you're a good enough artist you can find people that be willing to buy your stuff but nobody ever commissions a writer. Art can be hung on walls and looked at by anyone easily, writing requires a single person's concentration at a time. Plus, who reads anymore? Ten years ago there were a ton of magazines you could send writing to, now it's hard to find any.
Okay, so here's an idea. I know that Justin said he was going to throw a book of my writing together for his own personal use. I've tried to put my own together lots of times, but it always fell through. What I was thinking of doing was having you guys pick the best stories and poems you've read on here and then I'd put them in a book and publish them through I hate everything I write so maybe it'd be better for you guys to pick instead of me. Also, if you have any ideas for new stories you'd like me to include, go right ahead and throw your suggestions out there.
And if any of you wanted to do a cover picture or inside illustrations, and have a paypal account, I'd pay up to 20 bucks a drawing and you'd get a free copy of the book!

Alright, so thats actually the second project I'm working on. The first is a kid's book I wrote that I'm having illustrated! I'm really excited about it. It's not my usual bloody disturbing stuff, I wrote it for my little sister, but I think it's going to turn out to be pretty cool. I think you'll be surprised who the artist is too. Hopefully I'll have that all together sometime next year.

I'll end this with a huge thanks to my readers. I'm not deluding myself into thinking I have a huge fanbase, but the one's I do have are awesome. Thanks for all your comments and encouragement, it really does mean a lot.