When the man in the windowless black van pulls up to you and offers you candy, are you going to take it?
Well, that depends on what kind of candy it is. Some Sour Patch Kids or some Airheads? Fuck yeah! But not Elephant Peanuts or Bit o Honey. Getting raped is not worth stale Elephant Peanuts.
Say Elephant Peanuts ten times fast. That about describes that terrible excuse for candy. Who eats that shit anyways? I never got it for Halloween but I always saw it sitting on the two for a dollar candy shelf at the gas station along with these terrible lozenges and candy necklaces. I never saw the point of candy necklaces. Maybe it was because I'm of the male gender and wearing jewelry in grade school would get you beaten up, even if it was made of candy. Actually I think the bullies would beat you up and then take your shitty edible jewelry. The only thing they were good for was putting one "bead" between your teeth and then flinging it at someone. Then you'd get beat up for being stupid and flinging candy at people. Candy necklaces were just a bad idea all around.
One cheap candy I actually used to like were these tiny wax soda bottles. They had some weird liquid inside and it was fun to chew them up or see how many you could fit in your mouth at once. They didn't last very long though.
Why am I talking about candy? I have no idea. This is pretty much coming straight from my head.
I think when I'm over tired, ideas flow better. I get images in my head that don't come when I'm fully awake and mostly sane. Maybe it's because I'm poking at the wall of sleep and not actually entering it that I can pull from it's twisted reality. If I didn't have a job I would stay up late every night and write till I passed out.
If I didn't have a job I would travel all over and see lots of concerts and art museums and meet all my heroes and invite them all over for a big party.
I don't know where I'd get the money for all this. I suppose I should start kissing up to rich old ladies that look like they're about to keel over and then they'll leave me all their money and huge mansions in their wills. A mansion party would be the best. Spoons in the great hall, epic games of sardines all through the house. A rock concert in the ball room. If Shane wasn't too drunk I'd get The Pouges. Of course then I'd have to get lots of beer. Nevermind, I'd have lots of beer anyways. Vodka pong in the game room!
I think I'd build my own mansion like the one in Luigi's Mansion, with the exact same floor plan and room designs. That fucking place has everything!
So I was thinking about this story right? About this guy that cuts his finger opening a can of beans. And he gets blood inside the can and the beans come to life as little vampire beans. They try to bite him but he just shrugs and dumps the can onto a skillet and cooks them while they scream in pain. Then the man lies down to go to sleep and farts.
Thats the whole story. Pretty good eh? Whats the moral though? "Vampire beans are tasty but they give you gas" I guess.
How about a lady that's watching Maury and gets sucked into the TV. Suddenly she's sitting on the stage and Maury says "The tests proved that Hank is the baby's father."
And she looks over and there's this nasty pile of dripping vomit with fangs sitting next to her in the chair. She starts to cry,
Maury says "What's wrong?"
And she replies "I'm just so glad that my baby isn't a dirty Jew!"
I'm sorry that was terrible. I'm not a racist but I thought the shock ending would be good....fuck it, whatevers. It's almost two in the morning.
I'll leave you with some Buck Owens.
What? Whats wrong with Buck? You start bad mouthing Mr. Owens and you and me are going to have to step outside. And it's cold out there. And I'm not wearing pants. So just listen to the man sing his song okay?