Thursday, December 31, 2009

Billboard Top 100 of 1940

I had this weird idea today so I thought I'd give it a try. Wikipedia has listings for all the #1 singles in the top 100 of ever year so I thought I'd go through and see if I could post the ones for every year from 1940 up to now, sans repeats.

1940 only had three number ones so here they are.

July 27th - October 12th

October 19th to December 14th

December 21st - December 28th (Going all the way to March 8th of 1941!)

I hope you guys find this interesting, 1941 has a whole bunch so stay tuned!

Edit: I decided a whole new blog would be the way to go for this, so go here and comment:

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Favorite Old School Toy Commercials

Johnny Reb Cannon (From Remco!)

If I had gotten this as a kid, I would probably have hit my brother in the face with it the first chance I got and had it taken away. I don't know how gay I would have felt though.

Tobor (It's robot spelled backwards!)

I love how enthusiastic these kids look playing with this toy that looks like it would be fun for about five minuets. From what I've read from people that actually had this thing as kids, the darn controller never even worked right!

Baby Laugh a Lot

Another Remco toy! This one's all over the Internet, not surprisingly. You think the makers of that ad knew how creepy it was?

Micro Machines

I never quite got the appeal of Micro Machines. I had plenty of toy cars and they were all normal size, why would I want tiny ones? The ads were all pretty memorable though.

Lets ramp this bitch up with some video game ads!


I think they were going for an innocent heartwarming ad with this one but it just turned out...weird. To say the least. And yes that is George Plimpton. I have no idea why he was shilling for Intellivision but the man went 3 rounds with Archie Moore and Sugar Ray. That gave him the license to do whatever the fuck he wanted as far as I'm concerned.

Atari - Pole Position

This is my favorite ad ever. For anything. I know it's just for a silly racing game, but if I had seen this on TV as a kid I'd have begged my parents to buy it till I developed lesions in my throat. Hell, if it was for Sauerkraut, I'd have begged them to buy it. I wish they still made video game ads like that.
And this...

Mario Bros. (Atari)

Try and get that song out of your fucking head now. Mario Bros. (without the super in front of it) was a pretty bland game in the arcade, it was probably worse on the Atari, but damn if that ad doesn't make it sound more fun than shooting paintballs at a clown.

Magnavox Odyssey

And finally, the first video game ad for the first ever home video game system. It's too bad the Odyssey was a lame piece of junk, but just look at how happy the people look playing with their overlays and bright squares on their huge cabinet TV. The guy looks like he's faking it though.
Okay, one more.


Oh god, the waves of nostalgia this ad induces in me is almost sickening. Thanks to the fact that it played almost constantly during Saturday morning cartoons, I've had the jingle stuck in my head since I was 6. Sometimes I can't even remember peoples names that I work with everyday, but I remember that the best thing about Skip-it is that it has a counter on the ball. Fuck me up the ass with a chainsaw.
My grandma actually had one of these things. It was nowhere near as cool as the ads made it out to be. Of course.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

New Years Resolutions

2009 was a shitty year. A year of started and abandoned projects and hopeless thrashing in the dark. But you know what? I'm not going to fuck around in 2010. I know most people say they're going to do things in the new year but never do, but I'm stubborn when I set my mind to something. So here's a few changes I'm going to make and a few projects I'm going to undertake.

1. No more alcohol. You have this thing in the middle of your forehead called your third eye, which lets you see the world for how it really is. Every drink you take clouds it over till you can't see out of it at all. So fuck it, I want my third eye as open and clean as possible.

2. Buy a bass guitar and learn to play. Anyone want to start a band?

3. Meet at least one of my heroes.

4. Write a novel. This is one I'm really not going to fuck around with. Starting January 1st, it's going to be at least two pages a day. When it's finished it's getting shipped around to publishers. Fuck everything else, this is going to be the most important thing because I think if I don't do it then I never will. So yeah, everything else is going to be secondary. This shit is getting done.

Thats pretty much it. I have no idea if this blog is going to continue or what I'm going to do with it. Maybe when a cool idea strikes me I'll post. I'm hoping to be busy with this novel though.

I wish you all the best for the coming year, thanks again for reading!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Top 5 Stupidest Movie Monsters

You really don't get the same class of pathetic movie monsters nowadays that you used to get in the 50s and 60s. Here are my picks for the most jaw droppingly terrible half-ass creations.

5. Phantom Planet (1961) - The Solarites
Phantom Planet is a pretty standard sci-fi cheapie, one of about a billion that graced drive-in theaters through out the 1950s. Coming in at the tail-end of the sci-fi boom, the story of an astronaut who lands on a meteorite and shrinks (for some reason) and meets a tiny race of people, doesn't have much to offer other than a few unintentional laughs. Most of those come at the expense of the movies villains, the dog-faced Solarites. The things look like sad puppies rather than the fearsome monsters they were supposed to be.

On a nerdy note, The Solarites are played by Richard Kiel who would go on to bad movie infamy as the cave man Eegah in the movie of the same name. Oh and he also played Jaws in Moonraker and Adam Sandler's boss in Happy Gilmore. ("And you can count, on me, waiting for you in the parking lot!")

4. Teenagers from Outer Space (1959) - The Gargons
TfOS is one of my very favorite crappy movies. Despite the fact that it's bone headed and cheap in every way possible, it manages to generate an odd innocent charm. An alien named Derek (seriously) comes to earth with several other not-teenagers bent on finding a reliable place for their Gargon herds, their main food source, to grow. The Gargons are lobsters. Not lobsters covered with anything to disguise the fact that they're lobsters. They're just lobsters in cages. The best part, however, is when one gets out and it's lobstery shadow stalks our heroes. It's special effects failure at it's best and one reason why I love TfOS so much.

3. El Sonido de la muerte (Sound of Horror) (1964)- Invisible Dinosaur
You probably haven't heard of this one since it's undeservedly obscure. A group of people are trapped in a house after an artifact expedition into the neighboring mountains lets a monster loose! Oooh, scary! However we never actually get to see the monster since it's invisible! It might seem like a novel idea for a movie since you can't see the crappy cardboard creature that these movies usually present and you have to use your imagination, but the movie is so laughably stupid and cheap that it screams desperation on the part of the film makers when they realized they had no money for a decent looking monster. Oh yeah, they eventually kill the monster by setting it on fire and it's revealed to be...a stupid looking cardboard dinosaur. Go figure!

2. The Creeping Terror (1964) - Space Slug
So whats more laughable than an invisible dinosaur? How about a giant space slug made out of rotted carpet and old blankets that moves slower than a stoned snail that still manages to eat stupid teenagers? Creeping Terror is a legendarily bad movie that really has to be seen to be believed. On top of the stupid looking monster there's the ever present narration that had to be used since most of the original audio tracks were dumped in a lake and some of the worst white people dancing ever put on film. The monster is really just the topping on the cake for this one, the whole thing is hilariously terrible.

1. Godmonster of Indian Flats (1973) - The Godmonster
Surprisingly, the worst monster ever put on film isn't from the 50s or 60s. The stupidest looking most illogical hunk of rotted carpet ever to menace a small western town is the Godmonster, from a mid 70s film so bad that it couldn't find a distributer and rotted away in obscurity till it was put on DVD by the Schlock mavens at Something Weird Video. It's pretty amazing to think about a movie so bad that the 70s drive-in distributors would't touch it considering all the awful crap that got put on those giants screens for horny teens to make out in front of but it really is that terrible. The Godmonster is a killer sheep that looks like a retarded muppet made out of rotted trash pile carpet. He lumbers around scaring kids and eating their hot dogs, dances with a hippie chick, and eventually knocks over a fuel pump at a gas station causing it to blow up. Then he's captured and...I'm not really sure what happens as the ending is so bat-shit insane that it's hard to tell. But most of the movie doesn't even concern the stupid looking thing. Most of the movie is about a racist sheriff that's trying to frame a black business man for murder. Seriously. Everyone needs to see this movie just to marvel at it's incredible awfulness, to shake their heads in wonderment that such a thing could exist.

Honorable Mentions

The Killer Shrews (1959) - The Shrews
Aww, wook at da puppies! And wook at all the cute carpet someone put on you! Is you trying to look scary? Is you? I think you is! Dats adorable!

The Giant Gila Monster (1959) - The Gila Monster
Are you really surprised that this was made by the same guy that made The Killer Shrews? Watch in terror as the monster slowly waddles around and wrecks a model train set! Scream in terror as it ruins the good time of our hip young teens at a dance hall! Wince at the awful awful songs sung by the films hero!

The Being (1983) - The Being
I'm not quite sure what it is, but it's darn stupid looking all the same. I pretty much just wanted to include one 80s movie here.

Read this article here too!:
Comment on it and rate it five stars!

Thursday, December 17, 2009


In the spirit of Nico's picture blog...

See more of Asphyxia on her blog and at ModelMayhem.
Follow her on Twitter.

I'm working on a story that I'll hopefully have a piece of up tomorrow night!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Two Quick Things

Two quick things before I go to bed, both of which made my day:

New Tales of Mere Existence!

This pretty much mirrors my thoughts on God and religion. I never really thought about why churches are so big though, I wonder if it's true?

Also, Garfunkel and Oates got on Leno!

I hate Leno but it's awesome to see these two genuinely funny and talented musicians get some of the recognition they deserve!

Uck, bad bad boring long day. Two days into the week and I already want to crawl under a rock and sleep for ten years. But then I'd miss my webcomics and new That Guy With the Glasses videos and all the other funny Internet people and things that keep me from jumping out the window. I could survive without Internet but it sure makes life suck a whole lot less.

Goodnight Internet, keep filling that big truck and keep those tubes running smooth!

Monday, December 14, 2009


The pig eats it's young so why can't I?
These things form in me and then slowly die
I could spare them so much pain if I could eat them alive
I can hear them scream in pain:
"Daddy come home there is room in our bed"
They claw and they scratch the inside of my head
"Daddy come home our legs are wide,
Can you feel us move inside?"
It's all in vain

The moon cast shadows on my wall
Through my window and down the hall
I will walk through rooms
Where dead men lay
They twitch and turn
And writhe in pain
If I had a soul
I'd kneel and pray
For these stillborns to live again
No more to speak or see the light
All I need is one small bite

"Daddy come home
Daddy come home
These lonely tombs are cold
Daddy come home
Come and love us so
Come and love us so"

Nobody loves my unborn children
Nobody likes the way they lay
Nobody loves my unborn children
But I can't them throw them away

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Skymall Sci-fi

Scenes from a Sci-fi story, illustrated with products from Skymall.

The turtle girls of the swamp planet Greeon are gathered around a campfire, one is telling a story that began a long time ago in a galaxy far far away...

The evil demon Rog is torturing the Princess Mahill.
"Let me go, you brute!" She yells, "When my father hears about this he'll..."
"He'll do nothing! The weak old fool!" He cackles, "Guards, bring out the princess's special welcoming gift!"

"Oh, no, not spiders from Rygel-5!" She screams when she sees the cage.
"Oh yes," Says Rog, smiling evilly, "Soon your brain will be nothing but a gooey mass of...gooeyness!"

The king send his foot-soldiers to rescue the princess, who are naked except for shoulder pads. Because they're cool like that. And also sort of gay.
Of course they are all killed easily because they have no armor and forgot their guns back on Foren and they were too far away to turn back.

The king sends out a rag-tag team of heroes to save the princess! Here we see second mate Beth opening the bay hatch to tell the captain that his microwave hot pockets are done.

Oh no, it's robo-kitteh, the most evil creature in the universe! He is watching the team's progress on a view screen and is not pleased. He swoops down in his ship and steals the princess for himself while the evil Rog and his henchmen stand and shake their fists.

Robo-kitteh turns the princess into Robo-girl. Together they will rule the universe!

The team lands on Gor's planet and fight their way through his evil castle, only to find the princess is gone! They start breaking Gor's Hummel figurines till he tells them what happened to the princess. But suddenly they're surrounded by guards and have a laser sword fight in the evil castle's kitchen!

Back on the ship the team relaxes by playing Sim-city, using their minds! Also, the wacky comic relief character Chozo eats too many Beezo-bars and shits all over view screen in the main cabin. Oh that Chozo, what a card!

A band of high priestess of the very hairy god Blarf are intersected floating through space in a much damaged ship. They are the only survivors from their planet which Robo-kitteh blew up because Joey got canceled. He really liked that show!
The captain has sex with all the priestesses in a long and very surreal scene sort of like in the tabernacle scene in Zardoz, only with not as much hairy man-butt.

They come up on Robo-kitteh's ship and blast it while our heroes beam aboard. After a long shoot out, the captain is captured and tortured. But our heroes persevere and he is rescued. Of course!

It's Robo-kitteh and Robo-girl, shoot man shoot! The evil hair-ball hacker and his new minion are destroyed, but something isn't right. The priestess are getting weird signals from this ship...

It turns out that Robo-kitteh was only being controlled by a small machine in the center of the ship. Our heroes try to destroy it but the priestess stop them. To destroy the machine would be to disconnect all the threads that hold the universe together. It must be preserved at all costs, despite the fact that it's dangerous and evil! They take it back to their ship, set in on the kitchen table and go to bed. In the dark, it glows ominously...

Our heroes are all turned into androids will they sleep. The End!

"Hey!" Complains one small turtle girl. "That story was stupid and you should feel bad!"
All the other turtle girls agree that it is and the story teller is cast out into the wild lands that surround the friendly secluded marsh where the colony lives. Her story is a story for another day...

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,
Dude! I saw some pictures of your wife, and she's a damn fine chunk of woman! I know that you're like, a chubby chaser and everything, but are you a swinger too? I'd love to get me a piece of what you must be getting every night! Mmmm, just thinking about double teaming her is making me...gotta go, my mom needs to use the computer.
Peace bro, (hit me up sometime!)
Greg Malamarde (Age 35)

Dear Santa,
What the Hell kind of a shop are you running up there? All I asked for was a rocket launcher and for Obama to get cancer and die and what do I get? An air pistol that couldn't kill a squirrel! The fucking thing sucks! Burn in Hell you commie bastard!
Bill O' Rielly

Dear Santa (If that even is your real name, which I'm guessing it's not),
Enjoy your time on earth tricking kids into worshiping you. I hope you know that Hell is really hot and you're not going to be used to it because you live in such a cold climate. You can be saved though, just get on your knees and pray for God's forgiveness, that's it! It's that easy! Well, you also have to stop believing in evolution and instead of handing out heathen toys, start handing out tracts that are available for purchase on my website. Imagine all the souls you will save! If not, I hope Satan keeps an extra warm spot open for you!
Your friend in Jesus,
Jack Chick

Deara, Satna Claus,
You come to my house. You give me good presants. I leave you rice and Saki. You no leave reindeer poop on floor.
Much thankee you,
Asian Stereotype That Only speaks Broken English

Dear Santa Fish,
To leave a head open for you is my gift to the modern world. Someday we will all be able to fly. All we need is to spread our mayonnaise wings and soar up into the sun. No doubt they will all eat hay.
Mooky doo wop boom,
Zippy the Pinhead

Dearest Santa,
I didn't leave milk and cookies out for you this year. Instead I left blood. From my wrist. I cut it open with a shard from a My Chemical Romance CD that my older brother broke because he said I was a "fag" for listening to it. And I cried. A lot. I just want you to know that I love you and when you don't visit my house it makes me sad and when I get sad I hurt myself. So please bring me MCR's new album or I'll slit my throat. I swear I'll do it, I'm not kidding this time.
Love forever,
A creepy emo kid

Dear Santa,
Okay, all I really want is to be able to go back in time and enter the head of certain Nickelodeon executives (I think you know which ones (wink wink)). I want to convince them to let Invader Zim finish out it's second season story arc. If this is not possible then please at least let me kick one of them in the nuts for canceling Invader Zim before it could even really get started on the second season story arc. That would be great.
Your friend,
Kurdt Eastwood
PS. Oh yeah and if neither of the above options are possible, could I just have some nude photos of Kirsten Dunst? Thank you again!

Dear Santa,
Please shit in my mouth. I'll be in the bathtub all Christmas night waiting for you. Please eats lots of fast food so it's nice and runny just the way I like it. If you want to bring Mrs. Claus and some of the elves along, that would be great! The more the merrier I always say!
Love and kisses,
Rush Limbaugh

Dear Santa Fucktard,
Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls BallsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssBalls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls
Eat shit and die,
An Internet Troll
Ps. Balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls...

"In other news, Santa was found dead this morning after inquires were made as to why none of his presents were delivered. He was found in a closet in his workshop with a plastic bag over his head. Authorities have ruled it a suicide.
Coming up after the break: Chipmunks, do they really have psychic powers? One local woman claims they do. Her story is up next..."

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Jesus Wuvs Me

Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Jesus loves me when I'm good
When I do the things I should
Jesus loves me when I'm bad
But it makes God really mad
If I sin enough I know
There's a place that's down below
A lake of fire and awful pain
Because of sin that's in my veins
I must pray and bow to God
And follow the Bible's every law
No more shellfish then for me
And kill every faggot that I see
I won't even touch myself when I pee
God will be so proud of me
I already sacrificed my cat
So the neighbor's dog will soon be next
With my holy sword in hand
I will help clear out the land
The unbelievers all will die
And in the lake of fire they all will fry
Jesus loves me when I'm loved
And when I'm bathed in holy blood
Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so

Monday, December 7, 2009

Perchance to dream...

I'm opening a movie theater, who wants to come? For the grand opening I'm showing a double feature of Citizen Kane and Deepthroat. Before the movies there's going to be lots of cartoons, mostly pre-code Betty Boop and the banned Looney Tunes shorts. Maybe some weird foreign cartoons too. In between the movies there will be short films shown, mostly of the homemade variety. I'll show your movie too if you want! I'll screen anything!
It's all free too, free movies and free beer. It's a beautiful theater too, I had an old depression era theater that was going to be torn down airlifted to safety. There's a secret bootleggers room in the back! Free eighty year old moonshine for everyone!
Of course it's on my own private island and only a select few get to come, but you guys seem nice so I'll pick you up in my private jet.
What do ya say?

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Poor Eddy

The saddest thing I've ever seen
Was a 13 year old named poor Eddy
Eddy wasn't stupid
Eddy wasn't cruel
Eddy never hung out
With the cool kids at school
Eddie was happiest
Studying the bugs
And reading about lice in the rugs
And yellow garden slugs
People called him weird
When he watched wasps eat an orange rind
But Eddie didn't mind
Eddie would say
"There's just me to talk to
and that's okay.
Those guys would understand
Eddie was fine by himself
He had plenty to do
Till into his life walked Mary Sue

Mary Sue had eyes of blue
And hair of golden gold
That flowed
and rolled
Down her back
And ended at her shoes
The new girl in town
She dragged all the boys around
And got them to carry her books
Eddie's heart beat with a hammering sound
Every time she came around
And he thought he'd die every time
She gave him a look
But he wasn't popular
So she didn't care
And Eddie sank into despair
Till one day he was approached by the lady fair...

He showed up at her door with invitation in hand
As if he believed he wouldn't get in without it
So happy he could spit
In a suit his mother had picked
Cleaned and pressed
Hair combed off to the side
Dress shoes shined
And bow-tie tied
He knocked on the door with pride
Mary Sue invited him in
Dressed in a t-shirt and shorts
Her legs wonderfully thin
The party had already started
But when Eddie walked in
It was like someone had farted
All the popular kids were there
All the popular kids did stare
Till Eddie took a seat in a far off chair
And studied the carpet fuzz there...

A typical teen party
Is typically dull shit
Not much fun to be had
Till Mary Sue's parents split
And then all the kids were bad
The beer came out
From Jimmy's dad
And they all drank it down
Before the cake could even come out
They all had had one round
To try and look cool Eddie grabbed a beer
And promptly drank it down
Everyone cheered
And Eddie smiled
Even though it tasted like piss
To simply be liked
On such a night
Was simply heavenly bliss
He chugged two more beers
To more wild cheers
Suddenly Eddie couldn't see straight
And thats when they brought out the cake
His head was reeling as they handed him a plate...

Poor Eddie's plight
Started after three bites
And his stomach started to churn
His head was pounding
His arms felt light
He told everyone he was going to call it a night
But they all insisted he take one more bite
He got it chewed and down it went
But it didn't get all the way down
He put his hands up to his face
And threw up with a horrible sound
Three bottles of beer
Came up with the cake
And some hot dogs he had eaten before
But not in his lap
The vomit did land
Or even down on the floor
Most of the puke
Landed on Mary Sue
The rest landed on the cake
Before he could wonder
At his social blunder
Eddie had passed out cold
The last thing he saw
While lying on the floor
Was everyone running away

The saddest thing I've ever seen
Was a 13 year old named poor Eddy
But weep not for poor Edson
He did get to have some fun
When he met a girl named Aurora Lee
She liked lice in rugs
And big black bugs
And slugs as much as he!
But the real kicker here
Was that she didn't like beer
She said it tasted like piss
Her stomach was just as bad as his!

Notes: I do have a weak stomach and have thrown up at some pretty embarrassing moments, but never on someone's birthday cake. I'm also not big on parties where I don't know everyone really well. So I guess you could say I am Eddie, except I do like beer and haven't found a girl that would find a video like this cool:

Thanks for reading my shitty poetry!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Some Craps

I hit 300 posts yesterday without even realizing it! 300 posts of bad poetry, poorly written stories, and projects that I got tired of and never finished. Oh, and rambling brain vomit. Oh well, it's still fun.
I also found out today that even though I'm separating from the military in July, I get to start on the paperwork and briefings tomorrow! Paperwork and briefings suck but at least I can try and keep my spirits up with the thought that in eight months all this crap will be a distant memory (Military related crap, I'll hopefully be able to keep posting here!). Where am I going after these four years of bullshit and disappointment are behind me? Hopefully back to college. I was thinking of film school but I've been reading a lot of history books lately and it's mega-interesting to me. My favorite period is right at the turn of the century, late 1800s/early 1900s. If I can study enough on it, hopefully I'll be able to write a horror novel set in that time period, which would rock. A bit ago I finished The Bone Garden by Tess Gerritsen which isn't really a horror novel, but is full of really squicky medical stuff. Lets just say that if you lived back then, you really didn't want to get injured and have to go to the hospital. The remedy for most injuries was amputation and since they had no anesthetics, you pretty much just had to have people hold you down while they took part of you off, with a saw if they had to cut through bone. Most people worked in factories that had no safety laws and machines that could very easily crush or tear you into pieces if you weren't careful. Whoops you lost your arm, how is your family going to eat now? I guess your kids are going to have to go to work, there's plenty of coal mines that little five year old Johnny could get work in. The mine caved in? Oops, there goes one source of income, but at least you have one less mouth to feed. Pretty soon you'll all get whooping cough and die anyways...
What was I saying? Whatever.
I have this story idea formulated from the songs I posted yesterday, but I'm going to let you guys try and figure it out. (Here's a hint, it involves love, sex, and death, but maybe not in that order.) I may try and make stories out of you guy's ideas too if they're interesting enough!
Ug, I have two whole weeks of twelve hour work shifts go get through and I'm already tired as all Hell. It's only been two days and I already miss the sun. My daydreams lately have involved a large island that has spooky jungle on it, full of creepy animals and alters of sacrifice scattered all over the place. I've been living off of crabs, fish, and coconuts there and the girl that was stranded with me is already dead after going insane and trying to swim out to an imaginary boat off on the horizon. Maybe she'll come back. I miss having someone to talk to. Oh well, more food and zombie killing for me!
I will end this rambling with a video that I'd like to dedicate to my favorite comic artist, Ricky Garduno:

Have a good times everypeoples, next time for make fun with more wordings in the heezy yo!