Thursday, December 3, 2009

Poor Eddy

The saddest thing I've ever seen
Was a 13 year old named poor Eddy
Eddy wasn't stupid
Eddy wasn't cruel
Eddy never hung out
With the cool kids at school
Eddie was happiest
Studying the bugs
And reading about lice in the rugs
And yellow garden slugs
People called him weird
When he watched wasps eat an orange rind
But Eddie didn't mind
Eddie would say
"There's just me to talk to
and that's okay.
Those guys would understand
Eddie was fine by himself
He had plenty to do
Till into his life walked Mary Sue

Mary Sue had eyes of blue
And hair of golden gold
That flowed
and rolled
Down her back
And ended at her shoes
The new girl in town
She dragged all the boys around
And got them to carry her books
Eddie's heart beat with a hammering sound
Every time she came around
And he thought he'd die every time
She gave him a look
But he wasn't popular
So she didn't care
And Eddie sank into despair
Till one day he was approached by the lady fair...

He showed up at her door with invitation in hand
As if he believed he wouldn't get in without it
So happy he could spit
In a suit his mother had picked
Cleaned and pressed
Hair combed off to the side
Dress shoes shined
And bow-tie tied
He knocked on the door with pride
Mary Sue invited him in
Dressed in a t-shirt and shorts
Her legs wonderfully thin
The party had already started
But when Eddie walked in
It was like someone had farted
All the popular kids were there
All the popular kids did stare
Till Eddie took a seat in a far off chair
And studied the carpet fuzz there...

A typical teen party
Is typically dull shit
Not much fun to be had
Till Mary Sue's parents split
And then all the kids were bad
The beer came out
From Jimmy's dad
And they all drank it down
Before the cake could even come out
They all had had one round
To try and look cool Eddie grabbed a beer
And promptly drank it down
Everyone cheered
And Eddie smiled
Even though it tasted like piss
To simply be liked
On such a night
Was simply heavenly bliss
He chugged two more beers
To more wild cheers
Suddenly Eddie couldn't see straight
And thats when they brought out the cake
His head was reeling as they handed him a plate...

Poor Eddie's plight
Started after three bites
And his stomach started to churn
His head was pounding
His arms felt light
He told everyone he was going to call it a night
But they all insisted he take one more bite
He got it chewed and down it went
But it didn't get all the way down
He put his hands up to his face
And threw up with a horrible sound
Three bottles of beer
Came up with the cake
And some hot dogs he had eaten before
But not in his lap
The vomit did land
Or even down on the floor
Most of the puke
Landed on Mary Sue
The rest landed on the cake
Before he could wonder
At his social blunder
Eddie had passed out cold
The last thing he saw
While lying on the floor
Was everyone running away

The saddest thing I've ever seen
Was a 13 year old named poor Eddy
But weep not for poor Edson
He did get to have some fun
When he met a girl named Aurora Lee
She liked lice in rugs
And big black bugs
And slugs as much as he!
But the real kicker here
Was that she didn't like beer
She said it tasted like piss
Her stomach was just as bad as his!

Notes: I do have a weak stomach and have thrown up at some pretty embarrassing moments, but never on someone's birthday cake. I'm also not big on parties where I don't know everyone really well. So I guess you could say I am Eddie, except I do like beer and haven't found a girl that would find a video like this cool:

Thanks for reading my shitty poetry!


Ian Andersen said...

I like this one a lot.
I've only thrown up like that once, on an unfortunate combination of cheap vodka, cheap rum, cheap tequila and reasonable gin. "I wonder if this one tastes any better now."

That fly (horsefly?) that shows up and hangs out for a while was hilarious to me for some reason.

Kurdt said...

The most I ever threw up was after about a quarter bottle of Grey Goose Vodka. Vodka and I are not friends anymore.

He's probably just looking for scraps to steal but it's still funny. I'm surprised the wasps didn't take his ass out, but I guess they were pretty busy.