Wednesday, March 31, 2010

More Comic Book Ads

Alright, lets start off with another infamous series of comic book ads:

I love how lame the villains are in all of these, you just know these were written by ad executives, but they look just like real comics!

There doesn't seem to be too much funny about this one, but look closer:

First off, that doesn't look like a kid's room in the big panel. It looks like a living room! Look at how fucking smug the kid looks in the "door" panel. You know he just stuck that somewhere he wasn't supposed to. The "notebook" is probably his sister's diary, the lunchbox looks like it's his dad's...and of course he stuck Green Arrow and Green Lantern on his parent's car! This kid is a brat and seeing as how spanking wasn't as frowned upon as it is now, probably got his ass beat pretty hard.

Ah, Sea Monkey's. Another well known comic book scam:

Do they even sell these anymore? Everyone and their grandmother knows it's just fucking brine shrimp. You can buy them at pet stores to feed to certain kinds of fish for crying out loud!

Another muscle ad:

Damn is this one gay looking! I wonder how many 90 LBS nerds bought this only to have it smack them in the face and take out an eye? Check out a pre-movie fame Ahnuld down by the send in square.

Another muscle ad, the books I have are full of them:

Build your muscles by jamming dynamite into them!

This one is interesting for a few reasons:

One, I would have totally sent away for this. Two, this was probably released to capitalize on the then upcoming horrible King Kong remake. Third, it mentions Queen Kong, a movie so bad that it never received theatrical release and was only really seen by anybody when it recently came out on DVD! (Which I'm going to rent soon, of course.)

For some reason there's a lot of ads for Slim Jims too:

I had always thought that Slims were a 90s thing, but I guess I was wrong. Check out the ad for "grit" too. Don't sell seeds holiday cards or any of that junk, sell grit! You'll be able to take Suzy to the roller rink in no time!

And now we have what I like to call "buy crazy shit":





I would totally have blown all my allowance on this stuff when I was a kid. Sadly, all of these ads seem to have gone away after awhile. I have a couple 90s comic books that just have video game ads in them. Its Kind of sad really. Where will today's kids get exploding pens, hypno-coins, and x-ray specs? Where I ask you, WHERE?

And finally, Wendy wants you to join the female branch of the Hilter Youth:

Apparently signing up turns you a nice healthy shade of blueish-green!

I'll end with this unrelated clip, which you should watch because it's awesome.

(From Maniac! (1934))

Not sure what I'm going to put up tomorrow night. Probably the rest of the covers. I don't think I'm legally allowed to post up full comics am I? If anyone has any idea, let me know!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Harvey Comics, Another Ad, and Nightmare Fuel



I hadn't really heard much about Richie Rich other than the horrible live action movie that came out in the 90s that starred Macaulay Culkin and this conversation from The Simpsons:

Lisa: Hurry, mom! If we don't get to the convention soon, all the good comics will be gone!
Bart: Ah, what do you care about good comics? All you every buy is Casper the Wimpy Ghost.
Lisa: I think it's sad that you equate friendliness with wimpiness, and I hope it'll keep you from ever achieving true popularity.
Bart: Well, you know what I think? I think Casper's the ghost of Richie Rich.
Lisa: Hey! They do look alike.
Bart: I wonder how Richie died.
Lisa: Perhaps he realized how hollow the pursuit of money is and took his own life.
Marge: Kids, could you lighten up a little?

So I was mildly curious about him. Mildly.

(This issue has lots of pretty lame references to Happy Days. This would have been around the time that Harvey was in decline so maybe they were trying to rope the kids in by trying to be hip?)

Richie Rich, like all Harvey Comics Characters, is a one gag character. While Casper's gag is that he scares the fuck out of people but doesn't mean to and Little Lotta's is that she is fat, Richie's thing is that he's rich. He's rich and uses money to get out of tough situations.
Other than the occasional unintentionally sexual gag

it's pretty darn bland. He was Harvey's most popular character though and to be fair, the comics were aimed at little kids. I suppose the fact that he's rich but not snobbish was enough to endure him to a whole generation. But that's where Harvey's genius lies. They knew what kids wanted. They knew that the stories just had to be simple with characters that their readers would either want to be or hang out with, and they ran with it for 40 some years. So, while I wouldn't read these comics everyday, I can appreciate them for what they were.

For a really good history of Harvey Comics and it's impact on a generation of kids (Way better than I could hope to write), please go here: http://www.english.ufl.edu/imagetext/archives/v3_3/jackson/

And now for some Casper:

Jesus, what the Hell is that?

Casper wants to suck your soul out through your nose!

I'm saving the really weird ads for tomorrow night. Here's a movie related one.
Can anyone tell me who the artist is that might have drawn this?:

I just know it's in the style of one of the usual gang of idiots from Mad, but I can't seem to recall which one!

And finally, something completely unrelated:

via videosift.com
Ray Bradbury is one of my favorite authors ever. He's had a huge impact on pop culture, but he always seems to get stiffed when it comes to film adaptations of his work. They tend to range from okay to freakin' terrible. This Russian short is pretty damn good, but it misses out on a lot of the subtle creepiness and aching sadness of the original story and instead goes for the throat with some pretty heavy handed imagery. The one scene that I think it does do right though is when the robot wakes up the family at the beginning. I would love to see an animated adaptation that would stick closer to the original story. Actually, I think a lot of his work would be amazing if handled by the right animation studio.

My computer is being a douche tonight and there's something else I need to work on, so I bid you all good night and many happy nightmares!

Monday, March 29, 2010

New Scanner, Comic Book Scans, and a Secret Project

So I finally bought a scanner. Actually it's a scanner/printer/fax machine/coffee maker. Just kidding about the last one, but it's spiffy to say the least.
And this past week a family member sent me a stack of old comics that she got from a flea market. I'll be posting up the covers for each all week as well as some weird ads.

Here's the first. Action Comics No. 415, Aug 1972:

It's a pretty silly filler comic, the kind thats amusing but doesn't add anything to the universe's continuity and introduces characters you'll never see again. It does have huge killer amoebas though.

And here we have what's possibly the most famous ad in comic book history, Charles Globe wants to make you a man! Er, I mean Charles Atlas:


And here's my remix:

I now invite you to make your own!

Related song:


Now that I have an honest to gosh printer, I'm going to be embarking on a little project this weekend. You can probably guess what it's going to be, but I still won't say exactly.

More comic stuff tomorrow!

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Farewell Love

"Farewell my little darling
I can't stay any more
The night will be down soon
And I must leave from your door
Though it pains me to leave
Please don't grieve for me
On my long journey homeward
I'll will think but of thee

Farewell my lovely lady
Please do not cry
There's been harder goodbyes
Than between you and I
When time is spent so well
It's the reason it flies
Farewell my only true love
Please dry your eyes

Farewell my pretty Nancy
I must be off soon
To trek that long road
By the light of the moon
As soon as I am able
I will come back to you
From Hell I would come back
To keep my word true"

She watched as her true love
Went over the hill
It was days before he came back
One night when it was still
She heard a loud knock
And she ran to the door
When she saw who had made it
She fell to the floor
Her lover had come back
His promise was true
Except now he had no head
What was she to do?

Influences and mood setters for this piece:


Saturday, March 27, 2010

Cool Music Stuff

Ian at We Flew Airplanes put up some cool music vids in a recent post and since I haven't written anything I've felt like posting lately, I thought I'd post up some of the musics that I've been listening to as of late.

I posted these previously on a blog I started (and ended up deleting) but I thought I'd post them again here since I've been immersing myself in 1940s music and culture lately:

Paper Doll is quickly becoming one of my favorite songs ever and the video is kind of wonderfully weird isn't it?

Of course you can't talk about the music of the 1940s without Glenn Miller can you?

Exploding out of almost nowhere with a string of massively popular hits songs, Miller is still what most people think of when you mention 1940s jazz and swing music.
Part of his enduring legacy might be the fact that he vanished without a trace at the height of his popularity but anyone with a good ear can probably pick out a few other reasons why. For one thing, his band is fucking tight. One reason I love listening to his orchestra is because of how well they interact and play off of each other. That and the songs are just classy all the way and class never goes out of style. Well, at least it shouldn't.
But anyways...goddamn those Nicholas Brothers could dance couldn't they? I've never seen anyone do the stuff the do. It's like they're puppets on strings sometimes.

And now for something a bit different:

It's obviously staged but still a fascinating glimpse into a whole different world. I don't have much else to say about it other than that it makes me happy and sad at the same time.

And finally, to finish off, Johnny Marvin sings and plays his uke:


Oh heck, one more:

Hooray for Andy Devine!

I wish you all a great weekend and a fun and interesting rest of the week!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Wormwood

Wormwood sits in his special place
Picking scabs from off his face
Chewing them silently he smiles
Rotten teeth that go on for miles
Wormwood thinks that you are cool
Would like to meet you after school
I hope you don't mind his ringworm head
Or the fact that he smells like something dead
Wormwood is cool, his style is hip
Wormwood will gladly take your shit
He'll smile as you rant and yell
And laugh as tell him to go to hell
Break his bones
Slam his face in a door
Wormwoods seen it all before
He claims that pain just ain't no thang
You just gotta roll with what life can brang
Wormwoods hip
Wormwoods cool
Wormwood knows he ain't no fool
Wormwood says you're his best friend
Together till the very end
Wormwood would like to cook you some food
Don't say no, it would be rude
Off in the kitchen he makes for you
A very special kind of stew
Is that a finger floating there?
Wormwood doesn't seem to care
Was that a groan coming from the next room?
You say you have to be leaving soon
Wormwood says your plate's not clean
You're the rudest person he's ever seen
He says that you are very bad
For making poor old Wormwood mad
You better make the door pretty quick
Wormwood is tired of all your shit

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Stranded

Based on a story that used to freak me out when I was a kid, mixed with a recent personal experience.

I was dreaming that Kim and I were having sex. I had that dream a lot but this one was weird because we were having sex in our World History II class. I watched myself go down on her, kissing her breasts and stomach before diving into the forbidden area, where girls aren't supposed to go with other girls. It didn't really seem unnerving to me to see our professor watching us, maybe if he had looked excited or pervy, but he just looked bored. Suddenly Kim was gone and I was standing in front of him, still naked.
"Lydia, you need to wake up." He said in Kim's voice. I looked at him, puzzled at a woman's voice coming out of a 50 year old man.
"Lydia, you need to wake up right now, seriously!" Then everything faded away...

We were still on the bus. My sleep addled brain tried to figure out how that was possible. Maybe I hadn't slept as long as I had thought. Panicked, I lifted my head up from Kim's lap and looked out the window. Instead of the streets and buildings of a town or city, all I could see was trees.
"Kim, where..." I said started.
"We both fell asleep we missed out stop." Kim interrupted.
"How many stops did we miss?"
"The fuck if I know." Said Kim, pulling out the bus map from her backpack.
I looked around the bus while she ran her finger over the map. The bus was empty except for one dirty looking old man, probably homeless, sleeping hunched over with his head in his lap. I looked out the window again, just trees and more trees, and a full moon that just made it look lonelier than it would normally. Panic welled up inside me again. What if we did get lost out here and no one ever found us again?
I looked at Kim. She was bent over with the map on her legs, her head almost touching it. Her thick brown hair was matted and tangled from traveling for two days with no shower. When she looked up, she looked calm, like usual. The few times that I've seen her excited or angry were the times that I've really been scared. I calmed down a bit.
"I know where we are." She said. God did she looked tired. I bet I look worse though, I thought. She pointed at the map.
"We're four whole stops past Esquire."
"You think we can catch a bus back?"
"No, I think this is the last bus, the line stops running at 1 AM. Wherever this next stop is, I think we just need to get a hotel for the night and try to catch one in the morning."
I sighed. Not too bad of a situation, at least we could shower and sleep in an actual bed for once. This trip had been fun, but had taken a lot out of us too. I imagined our car sitting in the parking lot in Esquire, by the McDonald's where we had left it. The place would be closed by now, it's windows dark, the only light shining down from a street lamp and the moon. We could be in that car right now, I thought. For some reason this made me sad. I looked around the bus again, this time at the driver. All I could see was the shadow of his head behind the grating that cut him off from the rest of the bus. He probably has a home he wants to get to as well, I thought, poor guy.
Kim looked like she was going to fall asleep again. I shook her awake.
"I'm okay" She mumbled, "I was just resting my eyes."
I laughed. "That might work on Mrs. Mirra, but it's not..." I trailed off.
The bus had stopped. The driver turned around and yelled through the grating. His face was still a darkened shape that I couldn't see very well..
"LAST STOP, EVERYBODY OFF!" He yelled so loud that it made me jump. The dirty old man woke up and started to shamble off the bus. Kim calmly picked up her back pack and stood up. I did the same and we walked off the bus, into the freezing cold night. I tried to get a glimpse of the driver as I walked past but I still couldn't see him, just a strange dark shape hunched over the steering wheel...

"Did you bring your hoodie?" Kim asked as we stood on the bus station steps.
"Yeah, I'll put it on." I said, slipping my coat off. The old man took out a bundle of newspapers from under his coat and laid them on the ground. Then he laid down, covered himself with more, and then fell asleep.
Even with my hoodie and thick jacket on, I was still cold. The early March wind found every way possible to get at you and bite your skin.
"Of course we had to get dropped in the middle of nowhere. Just our fucking luck." Kim grumbled.
It really was nowhere. The road that lead away on both sides was lined with trees and that was all there was.
"There's got to be a town around here somewhere." I said, "It doesn't make sense for a bus to stop where there's no people."
"Well this one does apparently."
I sighed and turned to look into the darkened window of the bus station. It was a very small building. I could see a ticket counter and some seats and not much else. Kim tried the doors.
"It's fucking locked." She said and gave the doors a hard kick that echoed under the metal awning. The old man didn't move.
"There's got to be a town around here somewhere," I said again, looking down the road to the left. "And we can't stay here, or we'll freeze."
"Fuck" said Kim loudly. "I hate when shit like this happens!" She sounded mad, but like usual, her face didn't look it. She gave the station door another hard kick and sighed.
"Oh well, we might as well get going." She said and started to walk down the road. I followed. The dim light of the station receded into the distance and soon it was gone after we trecked up a large hill...

"So a dog walks into a bar.."
"Yeah."
"And he asks for a drink. The bartender says 'toilets around the corner.'"
Kim chuckled. "That was stupid." She paused. "Got anymore?"
"Why couldn't Bill Clinton blow out his birthday candles?"
She laughed again. "I don't know, why?"
"Because he doesn't inhale."
She snorted. "Where do you come up with these stupid jokes?"
"I used to read lots of them when I was a kid."
Kim didn't reply and I looked into the trees we were walking past. The still darkness underneath them unnerved me. I kept imagining things moving under there, waiting to spring out at us and drag us into their lairs to feed...
"Hey," I said, "Do you remember when we were in high school..."
"Yeah, I remember high school, don't you?"
I laughed. "Shut up. Do you remember when you put a tack on Mrs. Garcia's seat?"
Kim laughed louder. "Yeah, oh god..."
"And when she got up it was stuck in her ass and she didn't notice it?"
"You were the one that told me to do that, remember?" She said, laughing.
"Yeah but we didn't get in trouble for that one. Remember when you dared me to throw that chicken patty up in the vent and I did right as Mr. Dunbar walked into the lunch room?"
"And it fell right on his head? I almost died laughing!"
"I almost died too, but not from laughing!" I paused and waited for her to get quiet again. "I'll never forget what you did for me though."
"Well it was my idea and I didn't want to see you get in trouble."
"Can I tell you something?"
"Sure, of course."
"That was when I really fell in love with you for the first time."
Kim was quiet again.
"Oh Lydia. Why did it take you so long to tell me?" She asked after a bit.
"I...I...just..." Kim cut me off.
"Look, there's a light up ahead." She pointed down the road.
And there was, it was far off but there it was....

Kim looked puzzled.
"Why would there be a hotel all the way out here?" She asked.
"There's probably a town further down the road. And who cares why? It's freezing."
The light that we had seen was coming from the the hotel's neon sign.
"PINE WOOD'S HOTEL." It said. In smaller letters underneath was "able TV, no ool, no pets." And under that a darkened "VACANCY" sign. Kim walked up and knocked on the door. It seemed like forever before her knock was answered. The middle aged woman who opened the door looked mean.
"What do you want?" She barked and held her robe closed against the cold. "Don't you now what time it is?"
Kim looked puzzled again. "Um, we got stranded by the bus and need a room for the night. We have money to pay..."
"Stupid kids," said the old woman, "The damn thing only runs till 1 AM."
Now Kim looked annoyed. "Yeah we found that out, are you going to give us a room or not?"
The old lady stepped back. She looked shocked, and then annoyed, but she opened the door and let us into the small check-in area. We heard her mutter something about 'common decent folk's bed times' as she fumbled around behind the desk for a key, throwing it on the counter.
I reached for it and she grabbed my hand. I could feel her bony fingers digging into my skin.
"Money first!" She barked and let go. I quickly withdrew my hand. I went and sat in a worn out easy chair while Kim paid. The hotel owner had seriously given me the creeps and I didn't want to look at her again. I thought about how glad I was that Kim was with me. I don't know what I would have done without her...

The room was small but comfortable. And very warm. We stripped down for bed without saying anything. I fell asleep listening to Kim breathe next to me, tightening the cheap blankets down around my body...
When I woke up the bedside clock said 3 AM. Kim was singing quietly.
"And I'll be waiting on the far side banks of Jordan..."
I looked over at her but the room was pitch dark and I couldn't see anything.
"I'll be sitting drawing pictures in the sand..."
"Kim..." I whispered softly.
"And when I see you coming, I will rise up with a shout...."
"Kim what are you doing?"
"And wade in through the shallow waters, reaching for your hand..."
I elbowed her in the ribs but she kept singing.
"If it proves to be his will that I am first to go..."
I shoved the pillow over my head, but I could still hear her.
"And somehow I've a feeling it will be..."
I started to get mad.
"Kim, what the Hell? Shut up!" I yelled and slammed my head back down on the pillow. Everything was quiet, except the wind outside, which was howling now. I fell asleep again....

When I woke up the second time, the clock said 7:30. The room was still pitch dark. I looked over at kim, all I could see was the dark shape of her back. I got up and walked over to the bathroom. When I came back, she hadn't moved. I grabbed her shoulder and shook it to try and wake her. She didn't move. This was pretty normal, she was a hard sleeper. I flicked on the bed side light, which usually woke her up.
I didn't scream right away. I thought I might have been dreaming. But when I grabbed her and turned her over, it hit me full force and I shrieked until I couldn't anymore.
Her pillow was soaked in blood. And Kim didn't have a head.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Music Monday

Trying to cheer myself up on a shitty Monday. It's rain snowing outside. That's not a typo, rain and snow are coming down at the same time. Bleh, thats what I say. I'm going to go through most of what I've been listening to lately. Some of it you might like, some of it you might not.

I don't usually like these viral remix things but this one is brillant:

And that is what I think of Billo the Clown and Fox News in a nutshell: A joke widely deserving of ridicule.

I'll warn you about the next one, black metal is not for everybody!

Saw these guys live at a metal festival this past weekend, they put on a damn good show!

This song has been stuck in my head since watching The Cat Returns on Sunday night:

I have a weakness for uke, what can I say?

Speaking of which...


And finally, I'll finish with an epic:

I had Weird Al in 3-D on cassette as a kid and I've probably listened to all the songs on it about a billion times but for some reason I'm just starting to really appreciate this one, the album's closer. On top of taking on cheesy slasher films, it's also a brilliant rip on Kansas and other prog rock acts of the 70s. Listen to Point of No Return (Kansas) and I think you'll agree with me.

I'm anticipating another long boring week. Bleh, again. I'll have to think up something interesting to post. I get desperate when I get really bored, which helps. I just wish my job didn't make me so tired all the time!

So what was the coolest thing that you guys did last week?

Edit: Almost forgot!

Been listening to a lot of Iron Maiden and Judas Priest lately because the only Internet radio station that isn't blocked at work plays them a lot on it's heavy metal channel. That and the simple fact that they're awesome!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Brain Doodles

When I close my eyes I see...

A female android. She is very old. She was originally made to look very beautiful and probably served drinks at lavish parties. Now most of her skin is gone, revealing a disconcerting mix of rusting servos and wires. She wears a tattered blue dress that was probably also very pretty looking when it was new. When she speaks it's just garbled electronic sounds. Too bad, it would be interesting to hear her back story.

A dog. Dead, or at least it should be. Most of it's face has been torn away revealing white skull. One eye is gone. It's standing in front of a porch and a very frightened young boy in dirty overalls. His dad is coming out of the house with a shot gun.

A girl on her knees throwing up. Some one is holding her long blonde hair out of her eyes. It's night and the moon is out but it's glow is lessened by the lights of several cars nearby. It looks like they stopped so she could throw up. I can see woods in the background. She stops throwing up, tries to stand, and doubles over again, this time puking up blood. Her friends back up in revulsion, including the one that was holding her hair. She gets up again, runs over to one of them, a guy wearing a douchey goatee and backwards cap, and bites into his cheek, tearing his face away as he screams.

A mentally retarded boy sitting alone in his room eating cockroaches. He slams handfuls of them into his mouth, chews, and then laughs, spitting legs and shell pieces from his mouth of broken teeth. From somewhere downstairs comes the sound of Wheel of Fortune playing on TV and someone clapping along with the studio audience. A roach crawls out of the boy's mouth, plops onto the ground, and he slams it with his fist, laughing as juice gooshes out, staining the shitty carpet.

Band names: Dead Elvis Cereal. Alexander's Fun Time Rape Band. Coercive Sex Maniacs. Brain Dead Billy and the Projectile Vomiters.

Will You Play With Madness? Part 3

You grab onto the lock and pull as hard as you can. The rotted wood breaks easily and you find yourself lying on the ground with the lock in your hand. You sit up right as the doors slowly swing open on their rusty hinges.
You walk up and look into the barn. It's very musty smelling inside, a heady mix of old hay and long gone animal shit. As walk inside and your feet leave tracks on the dusty floor.
Aside from the rusty tractor, the barn is mostly empty. You walk past several small patches of hay to the back of the barn where there is a ladder leading up to the loft.
You start to climb the ladder.
The barn didn't look that big from the outside but you climb for what seems like hours and never get to the top. You look down and all you can see is darkness. You look up and see the same. You start to panic and let out a small scream. It is answered by laughter that seems to be coming from inside of your head. Suddenly you are on solid ground encased by darkness on all sides.
You hear the laughter again and the darkness evaporates from around you. It's very gloomy but you can still see. You are standing in what you assume is the barn's hay loft. In front of you is a figure draped in a black cloak. A helmet, adorned by large curvy horns covers his face. In his left hand is some sort of long staff that has a very nasty looking sharp hook on the end.
"Welcome," He says in a very deep voice, "I am the black mage. I bid you sit."
A chair appears out of the gloom and what feels like a hand pushes down on your head forcing you to sit.
"I'm glad you made it this far. Not everyone does." Says the mage. Looking at him, you realize that there's no face behind his helmet. Only darkness.
"Where am I?" You ask.
"You haven't talked to any of the witches have you?" He asks and sparks flash behind the holes in his helmet.
"No, I..." You start.
"Or the mutants? Or the light mage?" His voice sounds angry now. Sparks crackle and pop inside his head. He stands up and pokes the hook into your ribcage. "TELL ME!" He bellows.
"No, I haven't, honest..." You sputter. The mage laughs and sits back down.
"It's just as well. I'm more powerful than any of them, I would have found out eventually."
"Where...where am I?" You ask nervously. The mage laughs again, harder this time.
"Oh, don't you know? Haven't you figured it out yet? Silly boy you are. You're inside your own brain!" He laughs again, so loud it makes your head hurt.

What will you do? There doesn't appear to be a way out of the loft so you'll have to say something to the mage or ask him a question. You could try attacking him, but I wouldn't advise it...

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Favorite Songs of this Week and Part of Last













Bit of a song I wrote, abandoned for sucking
I wanted to dance
But they said no dancing
I wanted to sing
But they said "none of that"
I wrote a song but they took it from me
They gave me a gun and a for my head a tin hat
They told me my job was to kill people
And they sent me off to war
I served and I killed with my comrades
All of us wretched poor
When I got home I did not feel like singing
I could't dance because I had no feet
But I'll write as long as I have hands
I will not accept defeat

Monday, March 15, 2010

Will You Play WIth Madness? Part 2

You sit down with your back against the rotted old tree and start digging through your candy bag. You pull out a pice of taffy, unwrap it, and pop it in your mouth. As you bite down your mouth fills with a bitter tasting fluid and you spit onto the ground. Lying in a puddle of nasty green gunk is some sort of large insect, struggling to crawl away as it's life ebbs thanks to the crack you have put in it's shell. You open your candy bag again and start up in horror as the insects and centipeds inside squeal and buzz. The bag tips over and they crawl out, making a straight line for you. You run as fast as you can through the open field, heedless of where you are going. You trip on what appears to be a rabbit hole and fall. You cover your head and scream as the bugs swarm over you, inserting themselves into your ears, nose and mouth. You can feel their legs scratching up inside your head, their mouth parts searching for the tender meat of your brain....
You open your eyes. It is a bright sunny day. You are lying in a field of grass staring up at the cloudless blue sky. You sit up. There is not an insect in sight.
You stand up and wince as pain radiates up your leg from your now swollen ankle. You turn and look back the way you have come. The house and the tree are gone, now there's only open field where they used to be.
You turn and look at the old barn, now closer in front of you then you thought it was when you turned away from it. It's ancient looking and leaning slightly to one side. You limp up to it and look through the holes in it's boards. It's dark inside but light filters through holes in the roof and sides. There is what appears to be an old tractor rusting away in the center. All you can see behind it is darkness.
You step away and limp around to the other side looking for a door. You find it, but there's an ancient looking padlock on it. It wouldn't be hard to get off though. There's also a rope hanging down that appears to lead up to the hay loft. It's not very sturdy looking.
What will you do?

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Will You Play With Madness? Part 1

You are standing in front of an old farmhouse. You have no idea how you got there. You remember trick or treating with your friends last night but you can't seem to recall at what point you blacked out. You are still wearing your Where the Wild Things Are costume and are holding your bag of candy in your left hand.
It is a sunny spring day, birds are chirping in the trees and the wind blows softly bringing you the smell of hay and wet soil. The house looms large in front of you, it's windows dark. A rocking chair slowly moves back and forth on the porch and the door is hanging open off it's hinge. From where you're standing you can see a stairwell that leads up and a hallway leading to a closed door.
On your immediate left is a large tree, dead and rotting. Past that is a field containing an old barn and beyond that is thick woods.
Off to your right is what looks like a half finished garage. It's new looking timbers stick out of the ground and lay in piles, contrasting harshly with the rot and decay of everything else around them. Past that is another overgrown field and beyond that you can just make out another house of some sort on the horizon.
A driveway leads away from the "garage" to a gravel road. Beyond the road is more thick trees.
At your feet is some sort of wood lid. It is incredibly rotted and full of holes. All you can see through the holes is darkness.
It is a beautiful sunny day, not a cloud anywhere, but still a shiver crawls up your spine. This feels wrong. What is this place? How did you get here?
What will you do?

Friday, March 12, 2010

We Don't Go to Carol's House Anymore

What's in the toolbox Carol?
Don't open it.
Why not?
I don't like it.
Why?
One time I opened it and there was something bad in there.
Pictures of naked people?
No.
What was it?
The front of my room is gone.
What was in the toolbox?
It was there yesterday, but it was gone when I got up this morning.
What was the bad thing in the toolbox Carol?
It's raining really hard outside. I don't like it. And I don't like the smell of this garage.
It smells like a regular garage. I'm going to open the toolbox.
I woke up last night and someone was staring at me. I couldn't see him very well, just his eyes. I was too scared to scream. The lightening flashed from the storm and he disappeared.
There's a lock on it. Where's the key?
I have it. You're not getting it.
Your dad has to have a saw somewhere in here.
I walked into my parents room and they were gone. I got really scared and fell down on my knees and cried and cried.
Here's a bolt cutters, this'll work.
I stood up and turned around and suddenly I was in the garage staring at that toolbox.
Shit, almost had it that time.
Please don't swear, my mom will get mad.
Where are your parents anyways?
I told you, I woke up last night and they were gone. I haven't seen them since.
Then why do you care if I swear?
I know they're hear somewhere. I can feel them watching us.
You're starting to creep me out Carol.
This house isn't good. I tried to tell my parents that when we moved in but no one believed me. Now they paid for it. My punishment is coming soon.
Alright, I got the lock off.
I don't want to see...
There's nothing in here but rusty tools.
There was a head in there last night when I looked. And an arm. And a foot but no legs. The head looked like it was screaming but no sound was coming out. It blinked at me and I shut the lid.
I think I'm going to go home now Carol.
You can't go. You can't leave me all alone here.
Let me go Carol!
Look in the toolbox again. Look harder.
I don't see anyth...

Thursday, March 11, 2010

The Scorpions: Kings of Bad Album Covers

Hello all you lovers of bad art!
I wanted to do a piece tonight on bad heavy metal covers but then I discovered The Scorpions and I'm still having a hard time picking my jaw up off the floor. They're a band that's been around for a long time and they've managed to put out bafflingly bad covers throughout their whole career.
Lets start from the beginning shall we?

Their first album isn't too bad really. It kind of sets the tone for the rest of them though: poorly made and not making a whole lot of sense.


Then we get to their second. Words fail me. I'll just let you enjoy it and try to figure out what the Hell it's supposed to be on your own.


I actually kind of like the cover for their third album. It reminds me of exploitation film posters a little bit. Of course the nipple was censored in quite a few countries. What do people have against nipples anyways?


Then we get to their fourth album. You might want to prepare yourself.


This is the original cover:

This is the point where my jaw hit the floor. Not that I have anything against nudity but this is so tasteless that it's almost genius. Having a naked twelve year old girl on your cover is sketchy enough but calling it Virgin Killer hurtles it over the bad taste line into something else entirely. Something creepy that I'd rather not think about. Of course it was banned in almost every country imaginable (except Japan of course) and this was offered up as an alternative:

Not really offensive, but you think they could have at least changed the title? It's almost as bad with a bunch of sketchy looking dudes on it.

So after the controversy caused by their last album, The Scorps decided to put out an innocent one that would slip entirely under the radar:

Personally I don't see whats so bad about it, but people got pissy and again an alternate was offered:

Oh yeah, that's so much better. Again, couldn't the title have been changed? The Scorpions want to take me by force and it freaks me out!

Again, I am speechless. I...don't get it. I just hope that's gum and not what I think it's supposed to be.


Do you remember in This is Spinal Tap where they're talking about the controversial art work that causes their new album to be released with an all black cover, no title or anything? This is what they were referencing:

While this awful sexist crap was controversial, no alternate cover was actually released. I guess showing the female body is bad enough for censorship but showing them being treated like dogs is A-OK!

Not controversial, but just freakin' weird. What the Hell is going on here?


This one isn't too bad. It's actually kind of tasteful, as tasteful as you're going to get here anyways. Of course someone complained and an alternate was issued with just the band on the cover (Not even worth posting up). Ah Wal-mart, blandness = profit!


With a title like Savage Amusement, you think they could have come up with some pretty insane cover art, but nope. This one's pretty darn tame.


As are the next two in their discography:




You'd think that they were getting old and resting on their laurels, but then they came out in 1996 with this:

It must have sounded like a good idea on paper at least. It looks like they made the damn thing in Photoshop! (This is what we got in the US, by the way.)

I'm not even going to post the boring "head's of the band members" cover from 1999. Lets move on to 2000 when The Scorps rode the trend started by Metallica of recording with a full orchestra:

Again, there's no words for this. No words at all.

In 2001 they released another gimmick album, this time an unplugged one called Acoustica:


And in 2007 they released Humanity: Hour I

These two aren't offensive at all, just strange as Hell. What do they mean? Do they have any connections? If I stare at them long enough will Jesus come down on a flying Pong arcade machine and tell me that the secret of life is to never forget to drink my Ovaltine out of a Fred Fintstone jelly glass? I've been considering these too long, I'm losing my mind!

Alright, back to sanity. 2010 saw the release of Sting in the Tail and a shockingly not crappy or crude or weird cover:

It's like they said (in German probably): "We're old as shit now and no one's going to buy our album anyways. Lets make a cover that doesn't garner us any unwanted attention in the media!" I guess the lesson learned here is that old people just don't like to rock the boat, despite their pasts.

But, hey! We're not done yet. We still have a few compilation albums! Yep, every band or artist that's had even a few hits (and some that have had one or less) put these out. It's a way to wring a few more bucks out of die-hard fans who want to get that one song that's not going to be released anywhere else and give casual fans something quick to buy. The Scorps are no exception. And of course, they have to be insanely crude:

I suppose that's not too bad, especially when you consider what they got in Japan:
Sorry, this is one of the few places I could find a decent size picture of this!

Here's Deadly Sting which came out in 1997:

What's with the stinging women motif's in these?
Here's the clean version:

On second thought...put the woman back. Without her the picture is kind of unnerving don't you think?

And finally we have Bad For Good: The Very Best of the Scorpions which came out in 2002:

I think I know what they were going for here, but they wussed out at the last second. (Hint: I think the guy's head is supposed to be lower.)

So there you have it, a gallery of tastelessness, misogyny, and confusion from Germany. Still, none of these can compare with what I think is the most tasteless cover ever, from a band that I actually really like: (Click here at your own risk!)

Happy nightmares!

Edit: Here's the back cover to Lovedrive (Pointed out by Justin):

I...still don't get it.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Puke (You Make Me Sick)

A response of sorts to Plastics by John-Michael Morgan.

Flee from me female
Your head is full of air
Your plastic skin makes me sick
I hate your bleached out hair
You act like you're so holy
You're up and we're all down
But we all know you're the town bar
And everyone's had a round

Someday you'll get what you deserve
When some guy knocks you up
He'll lay you low and drag you down
Then you'll be shit out of luck

It makes me laugh but I still feel sick
Every time that you walk by
Every time you talk out loud
And spit in someone's eye
So I'm going to say it right to your face
It's the least that I can do
I hate you more than Hitler
You make me fucking puke

The Fool's Song

When I was a young boy
This is what I was told:
"Get your head on straight
Before you get too old
Listen to your teachers
And study hard in school
Don't you be no fool."

So I studied hard in school
And I passed all my tests
I listened to my teachers
And my parents took care of the rest
I met a girl named Suzy and I married her one June
and I said "I ain't no fool."

Now I've got a good job
I go to work every day
I listen to what the boss says
I'm Submissive in every way
I've got three kids to feed
With another coming any day
But I'm fine in every way

Today I got a letter
From the local draft boardee
They said that the worlds at war
And they have a need for me
Goodbye to my job and home
Goodbye to my wife
I start a brand new life!

Yesterday a mortar came down
And hit me in the knees
I woke up in the hospital
Whats become of me?
I ain't got no legs at all
And I'm missing part of my head
Goodness gracious, I wish I were dead!

Now I have no job at all
Because I cannot walk
I've smoked too many cigarettes
It's hard for me to talk
I just sit on my porch
And my lap it gathers drool
And I call myself the world's biggest fool

Inspired by this song and my growing disillusionment with the US Military:

Monday, March 8, 2010

Chatroom Adventures

PM - Coolguy and Narutofan
Coolguy: Hello!
Narutofan: Hi, how are you tonight?
Coolguy: Pretty good. This is my first time in a chat room.
Narutofan: Really? Where have you been? Under a rock?
Coolguy: Well this is the first time I've had my own computer.
Narutofan: Sweet! How old are you?
Coolguy: 18? U?
Narutofan: 22. Where you from man?
Coolguy: Texas. U?
Narutofan: Ohio. You like anime?
Coolguy: Not really no.
Narutofan: Why the Hell not? You're not a hater are you?
Coolguy: No I just haven't watched much of it.
Narutofan: HATER HATER HATER!
Coolguy: Dude I'm totally not!
Narutofan: HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER
Coolguy: Dude knock it the fuck off!
Narutofan: HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER
HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER
Narutofan: HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER HATER
Coolguy: What the hells your problem?
(Narutofan has been banned for spam)
Coolguy: Fuck.
(The room is empty no one has heard you)

Logan's Den
Coolguy: So hows everyone doing tonight?
Sissyguy: Alright I guess.
Dannyf: My balls itch.
Amy16: Ew! TMI!
Hugecock69: Any hot girls in here want to cyber? PM me
Coolguy: What's cyber mean?
Dannyf: Lol, you stupid fuckhead.
Amy16: Look it up on urbandictionary noob.
Hugecock69: Any girls here at all?
Amy16: No get the fuck out perv!
(Hugecock69 has left the room)
Coolguy: I read the definition but I still don't get it.
Dannyf: You dumb shit how fucking stupid are you?
Amy16: Just fucking leave coolguy you goddamn noob!
Coolguy: Noob? I don't get it. Whats with all these weird words?
(Amy16 has squelched Coolguy)
Coolguy: I'm so confused.
Dannyf: Just fucking leave.
(Coolguy has left the room)

Teen Music Chat
(Coolguy has entered the room)
Coolguy: Hello how is everyone tonight?
Kornrox: Fucking bored as shit.
Ledzepfan: Getting stoned.
Indiegirl: Horny.
Kornrox: I can fix that!
Indiegirl: Lol I bet you'd like that wouldn't you?
Kornrox: You'd wouldn't be able to take me I'd tear you wide open.
Indiegirl: Ew! Fucking nasty potty mouth!
Kornrox: My girlfriend likes it.
Ledzepfan: ROFL! yeah right you don't have a girlfriend!
Coolguy: How do I PM someone?
Indiegirl: Just double click the name of the person you want to talk to on the right side bar.
Kornrox: Do too! And she sucks my dick whenever I want!
Ledzepfan: She probably weighs like 500 pounds.
Kornrox: Fuck you asshole!
Ledzepfan: (takes drag on joint) Fuck thats good shit!
(Longcock69 has entered the room)
Longcock69: Any guys into gay submissive r/p?
Kornrox: Lol! Wtf fag!
Ledzepfan: This room is officially dead I'm getting the fuck out.
Kornrox: Me too, fuck this place.
(Ledzepfan has left the room)
(Kornrox has left the room)
Longcock69: Any guys at all?

PM - Coolguy and Indiegirl
Coolguy: Hi!
Indiegirl: Hello, how are you tonight?
Coolguy: Alright I guess. This is my first time using chatrooms.
Indiegirl: Oh wow. So you've never cybored before?
Coolguy: No, how do you do it?
Indiegirl: Well, lets start off with you telling me what you look like.
Coolguy: Uh, I'm about six foot tall, blonde hair blue eyes. Skinny.
Indiegirl: I'm about 5 foot 5. long brown hair down to my waist. I'm wearing a tight t-shirt with no bra and short shorts.
Coolguy: Hot!
Indiegirl: Now describe what you'd do to me if you were with me right now.
Coolguy: I'm taking off your shirt and wait how big are your boobs?
Indiegirl: Really big.
Coolguy: I'm feeling up your huge boobs.
Indiegirl: Mmmm, I let you feel up my boobs.
Coolguy: Sucking on your nipples.
Indiegirl: Mmmm, feels so good!
Coolguy: I'm taking off your shorts.
Indiegirl: My huge cock flops out and hits you in the face.
Coolguy: What the hell?
Indiegirl: I knock you to the ground and start fucking you up the ass!
Coolguy: I'm out of here
(Coolguy has left the room)
Indiegirl: Lol fucking noob!
(The room is empty no one hears you)

Submissive Sex Chat
(Coolguy has entered the room)
Throbbingcock69: Hey are you into pedophiliac bondage r/p?
Coolguy: Fuck this I'm going to bed.
(Coolguy has left the room)
Throbbingcock69: Anyone?
(The room is empty no one has heard you)

A lonely dark apartment - r/t
Coolguy: Uck, I feel like I need a shower!
(The room is empty no one has heard you)

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Weekend Movie Rents #1

It's almost midnight and I've just finished watching Mimi wo sumaseba (Whisper of the Heart)(1995). It was kind of a nice end to the weekend since I started off on Friday with Heavy Metal (1981). They're interesting to contrast. Heart is a simple story, stunningly animated (it's a Studio Ghibli film so of course it is) and made for a primarily young female audience. Metal is crudely animated on a minuscule budget and obviously made for horny teenage boys. I guess it means that boys escape with movies about having sex with impossibly proportioned women and girls escape with dramas about falling in love?
They're both well worth watching, although you'll probably need a few beers before you can properly get into Heavy Metal.
I watched another Ghibli film on Saturday, Tonari no Totoro (My Neighbor Totoro) (1988). It was the first Ghibli film that I've seen that wasn't set in a fantasy world, although it had fantasy creatures in it. One thing that really strikes me every time I put one of these movies in is how different they are from American animated films. There's no blatant pop culture referencing, no stupid puns, no wacky characters to annoy the piss out of parents who watch with their kids, inevitably voiced by Robin Williams. The Disney trailers that run when you put the DVDs in are so markedly different, that it's almost stunning. I would not only recommend these films, but anything put out by Ghibli or with Hayao Miyazaki's name on it. I'm working my way through all the ones I can get my hands on right now.

So what else did I get in? Night of the Lepus for one. What a joke of a movie. The joke is that it's not scary at all, but the people making it thought it was. Or did they? it's hard to tell if they were serious or not. Just the premise alone is enough to make you snicker: Killer bunny rabbits. Now I know that rabbits can be pretty fierce in the wild. They have very strong back legs and sharp claws and have been known to disembowel cats for crying out loud. But seeing a group of domesticated rabbits hopping down the street (in slow motion!) isn't going to strike fear into the hearts of anyone at all, and it's almost mind boggling to think that the filmmakers though it was going to.
Throw in the fact that the director was primarily known for making westerns and shot the damn film like a cheap western (IE really badly and with no attempt at moody lighting or music) and you've got a movie so impossibly bad that it's hard to wrap your mind around it.

And thus we move to Pink Flamingos (1973). I had never seen a John Waters film before and felt this was a good place to start. How do I describe what it feels like to watch this? Imagine a home movie made by a cast of carnival freaks and geeks. They make their money by making people feel as uncomfortable as possible. And that's what Flamingos does. It wallows in it's own filth and sickness, constantly trying to top itself in crudeness and gross outs. I loved it though. It's the kind of low budget trash that I always seem to enjoy best for some reason. Yeah, I watch good movies too, I try and get a variety, but what Bergman film is going to have a guy singing out of his ass? Or have an overweight drag queen eating fresh dog shit? I have this weird love of the bizarre and off-beat and these movies are where I get my fix.
I'll never look at eggs or listen to Patti Page quite the same way again though...

Sorry these aren't more comprehensive reviews. I hate giving away plot details for people that haven't seen the movies. It was a pretty good weekend as far as movies went. These were all worth watching for different reasons. Next time I think is going to be all Ghibli or Ghibli related films. The company I rent from is kind of weird in what it sends me though, which I kind of like.

Oh yeah, I got drunk on Jack and sprite on Friday night and re-watched parts of Heavy Metal with a friend that came over. So I've watched it sober and drunk, and believe me, it's much better when you're hammered. Probably when you're stoned too, although I've never smoked so I wouldn't know.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Half Drunk Song

Alcohol and bars and greasy food and...here's a song!
(I'm probably going to delete this when I sober up in the morning)

I took you to a dance on Friday night
We started movin' and we felt alright
You met a guy with red shoes on
You left me standing there all alone

Going round, don't know what I want to be
Somethings got a hold of me
There's something in my eyes I cannot see
What am I going to do?
With me?

I went to work on Monday night
The moon was up and I was feeling alright
I threw up from the booze I had drank
I left it all in the bosses fishtank

Going round, don't know what I want to be
Somethings got a hold of me
There's something in my eyes I cannot see
What am I going to do?
With me?

Took a walk last Thursday night
My head full of things that didn't seem right
I found a church and I knelt and prayed
For that spaceship to take me away

Going round, don't know what I want to be
Somethings got a hold of me
There's something in my eyes I cannot see
What am I going to do?
With me?

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Pins and Needles

It's hard to sleep when you come into my mind
When my body feels like it's on fire
You say you don't feel the way do
But I know that you're a liar
You're just being mean
If you don't love me
Then why can't you stay out of my dreams?

Why are you talking?
I can't understand
A word you say
You need to just
Stop talking
And everything will be okay

I found a dead rat under my bed
He speaks to me when I get sad
He collects my tears when I cry
And I can scream at him when I get mad
I speak French to the skinhead mailman
Who comes at a quarter to ten
He drops of pieces of your body
Then he's gone and I live again

Why are you still talking?
My head is hurting
Pins and needles
Pins and needles
Just keep your mouth shut
And I can love you
I want to love you
Okay?

I drink the water from the ceiling
As the air drips down my face
I take your heart and rub it on me
Your body is mine to taste
Just a few more pieces together
And I'll have you all to myself
You'll put my head back into one piece
And take me from this Hell

I told you
I warned you
I couldn't take it
You made me do it
Sticking pins into my brain
I don't need needles in my brain
Okay?
OKAY?

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Some Ear Candy

I just found these two awesome songs and I thought I'd post them up.
First the original...


...And then the song that was based on the original:


I love when I find cool stuff like this. I'm going to be singing "we don't go to God's house anymore" in my head all week. Probably not out loud though...