Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Heaven (Notebook scrap #1)

It was hot out that day. Boiling hot. As I struggled to get through the thick jungle brush, sweat poured down my face and soaked my clothes till I was drenched. I was looking for Heather and when I found her this time, she was going to get locked up. She was created to serve me sexually and I was going to goddamned if I was going to let her run away from me again. Where the Hell did she think she was going to go? This was a fucking island. Not only was it an island but it was the only island on a planet completly covered with water otherwise. No other land could exist unless I willed it. And that wasn't going to fucking happen. I was happy here with everything just the way it was. And why shouldn't I be? I had created the fucking place after all...

Okay, so here's the thing. Heaven isn't what you think it is. First of all, it's what you make it. After you die, you wake up floating in a white void. If you're smart, you'll figure out that you can create a place to live just by thinking about it. If you're not smart...well I guess you're shit out of luck. Hope you like the color white.
But anyways, I always wanted my own island when I was alive. It was a weird fascianation I developed as a kid after being forced to read Lord of the Flies in grade school. So I made a fucking tropical island. Great, perfect. Except that god is a fucking dick....
See, you can create whatever you want. You want a huge mansion? There you go, you got a mansion. You want a rock that juts out that you can fish off of? Okay, there you go. But you can't control the weather and you can't control the rising and the setting of the sun. I know, it's complete bullshit. Since I made a tropical island, now I have to deal with the heat for all eternity. And the rain. It rains almost twice a week here. Why don't I just make something else? Because that's another thing. Once you create something, you can't get rid of it and you can't alter it. So I made this island and that was that, now I'm stuck. I'd like to meet god, just once, I'd punch him in his fucking face. Yeah, I'll bet he gets a good laugh out of guys like me who think they got it made, think the afterlife is any better than the before life. What a crock of shit. And you can still feel pain! Your broken bones and cuts heal faster, but it still fucking hurts. Jesus, what an asshole!
But anyways, I was looking for Heather...

Heather was based on a girl that I had really wanted to fuck in high school. A sweet little innocent blonde girl, real short with pouty lips. So I created her and for a good month I fucked the shit out of her whenever I felt like it. Then one day she asked me if she could have some books. Fine, whatever. Not like it was costing me anything. So I made her some encyclopedias. Big mistake. They put ideas in her head and suddenly she didn't want me anymore and started trying to escape. The first time I found her on the other side of the island hiding in some caves. It was a pain in the ass to get there because I had to cross the huge mountains that divided the island in half and I got pretty banged up on the way there. I beat her up pretty good and told her that she'd get worse if she tried it again. She was a good little girl for about a month and then took off again. And thats where we're at now...

When I found her she was sitting in a clearing that I had never seen before. I'd been all over this island and knew it like the back of my hand, but I had never seen this fucking place.
You know that little voice in your head that tells you that something is really wrong? Well, that didn't go off for me. Tough shit I guess.
So she's sitting in this clearing with her legs crossed and she's got this book in front of her, again, nothing that I had ever fucking made.
So I go to grab her and she just laughs at me. A real evil type of laugh too. And she starts saying these words, these real strange garbled words and points at me. Of course now I'm more pissed off than I've ever been and I got to grab her by the hair when I start to feel funny. Like when you're sick and get light headed and weak. And it surges through my whole body. And then I look down and my feet are gone. And I watch my legs and my stomach go away until finally there's just my head floating there and I says to this girl:
"Why are you doing this? This is my world!"
And she says:
"No it's not, not anymore."
And then I'm floating in this black void and I can't see my hands in front of my face. I floated for a long time until I found this place. I kind of like this place, the beer is good and the whores you created are great! So whats outside the door there? Nothing? What do you mean nothing? All you created was this goddamn pub? You stupid fucking idiot...

Saturday, December 25, 2010

13 Ways to Make Your Christmas Less Depressing

So it's Christmas eve, and you're all alone. Your girlfriend dumped you last week and the only presents you've recieved were a pair of ugly looking socks from your mother. Nobody loves you, not even your cat which left a nice big vomity present under your scraggly tree. But don't put that noose around your neck yet! There's lots of good ways to make your holiday season less suicidally grim! Such as...

1. Go out and buy booze for all the homeless people in your neighborhood. Then invite them to a huge party in front of the local police station.
2. Take a local child from a broken home and look for a Christmas tree. But don't buy one, there's trees all over! Just make sure that if you hear a motor running or gunshots that small children do not make very good body shields. Conk him out with a piece of wood and run!
3. Find that one kid in the neighborhood that you really can't stand (preferably from a broken home) and buy him the coolest looking toy ever. Then eat it in front of him.
4. Take a bunch of dogs and cats from the local animal shelter and set them loose in a local elementary school. The kids will shit themselves with joy!
5. Cheer up a child from a broken home by giving his mom some money. Preferably from the window of a vehicle while she is standing on a street corner.
6. Decorate your boss's office with fake snow. Make sure to get every inch covered!
7. Take those socks you got and make funny hand puppets. Put on a show for some local children from broken homes that explains why there are poor and their parents drink all the time. It's because they exist.
8. Hug everybody you see for one whole day. And you feel so inclined, kiss them too! On the mouth. For a very long time.
9. Create a new Christmas character: Santa no pants! Go around to various broken homes and do your funny Santa no pants dance.
10. Visit the local old folks home. Bring your hand puppets. Refuse to leave until you've make each old person smile at least once. If the puppets fail, bring out Santa no pants!
11. Go on Facebook and post that you are going to kill yourself. Lots of people will come over to your house then!
12. Christmas music should be played loudly and at very early hours of the morning. This works well if you live in an apartment!
13. Kidnap a child from a broken home and keep him in a closet. Feed him nothing but candy canes and eggnog till he turns into an jolly Christmas elf. If he dies before that, quietly return him to the broken home from whence he came...

There, now your Christmas will be bright and gay! Hey, put down those razorblades!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Wonderful Day

My urgent response was needed
To get my Christmas prize today
I won some Russian ladies
They're already on their way
Thank god I've got my Viagra
From the Pfizer company
And when they show up to the door
I'll show them my winning ID
I think I can safely say
It's going to be a goddamn wonderful day

Because I've
Just won three million dollars
From the Microsoft Lottery
And then I got 2 million more
From some guy named Ahmed Abdel-Azeem
Those Nigerians are so generous
It's hard for me to believe
That all this good luck
Came to a poor schmuck
As undeserving as me
And I'm very happy to say
It's going to be a goddamn wonderful day

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Dinosaur Rock

I remember when I was 21
I got all the girls to hold my gun
But now that my salad days are done
How the hell do I get my fun?
All I do is shake my cock
Boppin' my head to the dinosaur rock

I don't understand these kids today
What happened to the music they used to play?
I would listen to The Eagles and party all night
The Rolling Stones man it was all right
Led Zeppelin till the morning light
And it was all right
And it was all right
And it was all right....
To let it Rock!

Now that I am 46
How the Hell am I goin' to get my kicks?
And get all the girls down on my dick?
I just drive around in my 76 Vette
Blastin' that good stuff on my cassettes
Yeah, that's what I said
Don't need no CDs no MP3's
Just get that shit away from me!
My classic rock station is what I play
More of my hair falls out everyday
Just let it ROCK!
Just let it dinosaur rock

(Spoken): Hey, what the Hell is this? If you don't switch that back to Tom Petty you can walk home! You damn kids with your rap junk! What is this? What is this? Nickleback is okay I guess...

Random List: 10 Creepy Movie Scenes

The one's that have stuck in my brain and continue to fuel my nightmares...

1. El laberinto del fauno (Pan's Labyrinth) (2006) - The Pale Man Scene
Nothing I've ever seen on film has freaked me out as much as this. Just the way the thing moves (shiver)
2. The Animatrix (2003) - The Second Renaissance Stories
It's a tie between the woman/robot getting beaten to death with a hammer and human energy machine.
3. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) - Dinner Table Scene
Apprently it was no picnic for the actors either. The smell of rotting meat was so strong that some of the actors started to hallucinate that they really were the characters they were playing. One described the experience as worse than nam.
4. A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001) - Robot Torture Carnival
The whole sequence is pretty disturbing, but the part that really got to me is when the nurse robot gets acid dumped on her head. She gives an innocent smile, AND THEN HER FUCKING FACE MELTS OFF! Gah!
5. Silence of the Lambs (1991) - "It rubs the lotion on it's skin..."
You knew this one had to be on here. The freakiest part for me though is when the camera pans up, you see several fingernails embedded in the side of the well, and the trapped girl screams her head off...
6. The Gate (1981) - The Eye
Not too many people remember this movie, which is a shame since it's pretty damn good. The scene in question involves an eye where it shouldn't be and a rather frank way of removing it...
7. Child's Play (1988) - In Which We Find Out What's Really Been Going On
The series got campier and campier as it went along, but the first movie had some genuinly creepy moments. My favorite being the part where the mother picks up the box Chucky came in and the batteries fall out...
8. The Amityville Horror (1979) - Imaginary Friend
A generally boring and stupid movie made in the wake of The Exorcist, based on a book so full of shit that you can smell it when you pick it up, it did however have one really effective scene. There's something about red eyes staring out from the darkness that's just so fucking creepy to me, I don't know what it is...
9. The Fly (1986) - Maggot Birth
The scene in question is just creepy and wrong in so many ways...thanks Cronenberg!
10. Eraserhead (1976) - The Whole Movie!
I've heard that baby's crying in my nightmares...

So what are the scenes that have creeped you out the most? Put them in the comments section!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Dancing on a Pinhead (Part 2)

"So, what do you do for a living?"
She was sitting in the rickety wooden chair next to my desk. I looked up from where I was hunched over, trying to get the fire started. She had my extra blanket wrapped around her and was wearing some of Mary's old clothes, the one's that I never got around to throwing out. They fit her surprisingly pretty well. The dim candle light cast half of her face in shadow, making her look other quite sinister.
"Huh? Oh, I'm a busker." A few sparks but nothing was catching. Damn cheap hardwood...
"What's a busker?"
I wished she would stop staring at me. She hadn't stopped since we had gotten here. I supposed she was just being cautious.
"It's a fancy word for street musician." There it went, small little flame, pathetic little thing, trying to eat something that was too big for it's mouth. More paper scraps to make it get big and strong...
"Oh really? What do you play?"
Good, good fire. Hopefully it wouldn't go out. I pointed to a case in the corner opposite my bed.
"Squeezebox." I walked over and picked up the case. Setting it on the desk in front of her, I flipped open the latches and took out the funny looking thing that was my lively hood. I played a quick little tune and she laughed.
"Do you make good money with this?" She asked, taking it from me and pressing random keys.
"No not really, enough to eat most of the time and pay the rent on this shitehole but that's about it."
She set the instrument back in it's case. "Do you think that I could...your fire went out." She said, pointing.
"Ah shit!" I yelled and crouched back down in front of the fire place. I need to move somewhere where "winter" doesn't exist, I thought as I blew on the coals.
"What were you saying?" I said without turning around.
"I was gonna ask if I could help you in some way." I sat up.
"Can you sing?"
"I haven't really tried recently, but when I was younger I used to sing quite a bit in Sunday morning church."
I stared into her burning green eyes and the thought occurred to me for some unknown reason that she was lying and had never set foot in a church in her life. But it went quickly and I wouldn't think about it again till later...
"Well, let's give it a shot. What songs do you know?" I walked over and picked up my squeezebox again.
"Sweet Polly Ann?"
A pretty simple well known valley song. I played a few opening chords and then set on the regular melody.

"Sweet Polly Ann
Why did you run from me?
It hurt my heart to see you go
Traveling over the sea
If I had wings
I'd fly away
And bring you back to me..."

I stopped playing, my jaw hanging open. Her voice was the most incredible thing I'd ever heard in my life. It was almost impossibly perfect, like she had stolen an angel's vocal chords and swapped them with her own. She stopped singing and looked at me.
"Was it that bad?"
I found it hard to speak at first. "No, no, it was great! Lets...lets do another song."
And we did. Till it got very late....

Lying in bed, staring at the holes in the ceiling, my head was still dizzy. How was this possible? Was I dreaming? I had found this impossibly beautiful whore in the worst pub in town, got her to come home with me, and then I find out that she sings better than Mother Mary herself?
I sat up and tried to hear her breathing in the small room next to mine that I usually used as a storage closet, but even with the thin walls, I couldn't hear anything. I thought about checking on her, but that might not end well. I didn't think she really trusted me yet. But maybe I should have. Especially with what happened later...

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Dancing on a Pinhead (Part One)

I'll post the second part of this tomorrow if anyone cares...

The Bleeding Hog inn was a dirty run down place. The second you walked in you were assaulted by the stench of stale beer, dirt, and whore perfume. There was always people there though, due to the beer and the whores both being very cheap.
The thing I remember most about that night, other than what I’m about to tell you, was how cold it was outside. Your breath nearly froze in the air, and the wind jabbed any part of you that wasn’t covered up with sharp little needles. Winter was hard for me. No one was really out and about that didn’t need to be and people probably thought I was nuts, but I had to earn a living. The only way I knew how, warm or cold, rain or snow.
I had made enough for a few scraps of food and a beer though. Better than I made on some days, especially during the winter.
Old Carlson was the bartender, a fat man with face full of jowls that shook when he spoke.
“You know the drill Sam, all we got is beer, money up front. Drink it and throw some more money down, or get the Hell out.”
He always looked annoyed, like you were bothering him by giving him business.
“You got beef on the stove tonight?” I asked
“Yeah, but it’s yesterday’s, and It’s cold.”
“I’ll take that and a mug of beer.”
“Five ginns.”
I just barley had enough. The cold beef was gone before I knew it, and I was still hungry. I sighed. If I wanted to hang myself I wouldn’t have the cash to buy a rope…
As I sipped my beer, I surveyed the tavern. Like on most nights, it was full of old men drinking to forget the horrible jobs they trudged too and from everyday, bums like me who had scrounged up a few ginns and were drinking their beers slowly to avoid having to go back out into the cold, and whores in the employ of Old Carlson. The place in general was pretty depressing, but the whores were the worst. All of them were long past their primes, trying to smile as they sat on some old man’s lap and fondled his balls. There was a rumor that Carlson paid them in nothing but room and board, the nasty flea pits you could visit if you had enough cash. Even when I had money, I hadn’t. If I needed to fuck something that bad, I’d find a knothole and grease it up. At least that wouldn’t give me the clap.
There was a new girl there that night. To my surprise, she was young. Not just young, but good looking. Not just good looking, but shockingly good looking. I watched as an old man pulled her down to his lap. They were all the way on the other side of the room and I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but I saw money exchanged. I sighed again. It was something different, but not by much. Some old inn, same old town. I turned back to my beer.
The scream that came almost the instant I turned my back was high pitched and womanly and I was shocked to find that it had come from a man. The old man that had grabbed the young whore, to be exact. He was on the floor holding his nose as blood spurted from between his fingers. From the direction he then turned, it was obvious that the girl had done it.
When he took his hands away to retaliate, I gasped. Even from where I was, in the dim gaslight of the Inn, I could see that his nose was completely ruined.
All of this happened in a very short time, too short for Old Carlson, who was at the tap filling a glass to react. But now he ran as fast as he could to where the altercation was taking place. The rest of the drunks in the tavern had gathered round and he pushed through them like they were nothing. Old man must have been stronger than anyone thought. I grabbed my beer and stood outside the circle.
“WHAT DID I TELL YOU YESTERDAY?” Old Carlson yelled, his jowls quivering in time to his words.
“He…” The girl started.
“He…he put his finger in my…”
“He didn’t pay enough yet to do that!”
Old Carlson’s face was beat red and he was breathing hard. He looked like he was going to explode and splatter the room with blood and fat. I had never seen him hit one of his girls, but I thought that tonight, we just might get an even better show. But then he calmed down. Or rather, he shoved his boiling rage down into his fat stomach.
“I want you,” He said in a low whisper. “I want you out of here. And if you ever come back, if I ever see your face again, I’ll kill you. NOW GET OUT!”
The girl didn’t say a word, just walked out and the bar patrons went back to their drinks. I just stood for awhile, staring at the spot where the girl had been. Old Carlson got real close to my face, his breath smelled like onions.
“You gonna buy another drink?”
I looked down at my glass. I had spilled it all out onto the floor and hadn’t even noticed.
“I…I guess not.” I muttered.
“Then get the fuck outta here before I throw you out.”
I set my glass down on a table and left in a hurry.

The girl was standing outside the pub, with her arms crossed over her chest. Even though I hadn’t cared much before, now I instantly felt sorry for her. Like I said before, it was below freezing out and she was wearing nothing but her skimpy whore’s outfit and she was already shivering.
“Hi,” I started. “You, uh, got a place to stay tonight?”
She turned to look at me with a motion that was so swift that I took a step back. Her eyes, god her eyes! Even in the dim light from the bar, their piercing green was so intense that I could have sworn that she was looking right through me. When she spoke her voice was sharp.
“You think you’ll get to fuck me is that it? That’s all I am right? A stupid fucking whore that got kicked out of the worst pub in town, so I’m easy pickings right? Fuck you! Get the fuck away from me.”
I started. “No no no, that wasn’t it at all! You just…you just looked cold is all.”
Her face softened and she sighed. “I really don’t have anywhere else to go. Old Carlson…”
“Yeah I know, everyone in town does. I have a separate room you can use. It’s small and not very warm, but at least you won’t have to sleep out in this.”
As if to punctuate my words the wind gave a howl that blew her red hair around her face and she shivered again.
“Okay, but no funny stuff! You saw what happened to that prick in there right? I’m not some weak…”
“Alright, I swear, I’ll keep my hands off.” I put my hands up like someone had pointed a gun at me. She smiled and my heart flopped into my stomach. As we walked the short way to my flat, I wondered what I had gotten myself into. Something about this didn’t seem right…

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Christmas Song

There's a man with a shotgun
In the apartment next door
You don't have to see his face
To know what he's in for
When he it puts it up under his chin
And then falls to the floor
I can't take this Christmas

Little Anna knows for sure
That Santa won't come this year
Daddy spent all of their cash
On cigarettes and beer
But if mommy would only come home
It would make her whole year
And so she spends the entire night
Staring at the door
I can't take this Christmas

Your home is warm
You have food for all
No one will starve tonight
The wind blows hard at your window pane
On this holiest of nights
You don't think of those
Out in the cold
For them it's just another day
And if they came begging for some food
You'd send them all away
So I sit and I wonder
What is this all for?
And I can't take this Christmas

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

All Year Round

Halloween is finally here
It's been so long
I wait all year
So stick your Christmas in your ear
I'm going from door to door

I work real hard
To scare those guys
Ignoring all the Christmas lies
The air is full of joyful sounds
As I make my frightful rounds

The air is cold it bites my nose
As I go tramping through the snow
The wind is tearing at my clothes
As I go from door to door

How I wish that you could see
The looks that they give to me
When I ask for Trick or Treat
But they ain't getting rid of me
Till I get what I deserve

My bag is full of candy canes
I'll admit it's kind of lame
Everything else is too stale to eat
But it matters not to me

Just because Halloween's done
Isn't going to ruin my fun
You can have your Christmas tree
Your tinsel and your lights

Give me a crypt that's dark and damp
My werewolves and my living dead
Kids with chainsaws in their heads
Underneath the pale moonlight

While you hear reindeer on your roof
I'm dancing to some eerie tune
With ghosts and goblins in my room
My girlfriend has no head

Santa may be coming for you
But I don't care what you do
Just follow that piper's merry tune
Down the path that you've been lead

And when you finally come around
Lets go marching through the town
And we'll have Halloween all year round
Lets run Christmas into the ground
Long live the living dead!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Kelly's Story

Depression rips the guts out of you. It steals away your insides along with your will to do anything but sit and stare at it's ugly face. It's a selfish monster and it wants you all to itself. Kelly thought it was good that she was alone. Even if she had had someone over, someone to talk to, it wouldn't have made it any better. That person would either get bored with her rambling on about how empty she felt, or they'd pity her. Either one would have just made things worse.
Not that she had anyone to talk to anyways, not since she had last her job two weeks ago. Not that she had been real good friends with anyone at work anyways, but at least it was some sort of social contact...
The wind howled outside, blowing the fine grained snow around like clouds of dust during a desert sandstorm. Kelly wrapped her thick quilt tighter around herself. She thought about how her even though this shithole apartment wasn't very warm, at least it was something. In another month she might not have the luxury of mild warmth, when her savings ran out. She didn't even have a car....
She settled further down in her recliner and tried to sleep, but it was going to be a long time coming. Her head was pounding, and every time she swallowed, her ears plugged up and she had to sit up and swallow again to clear them. She thought about how she should have gone to the doctor when she started feeling sick last week. No money for that though. Plus she'd have to shower, wash the grease out of her hair, change out of the pajamas she'd been wearing for 4 days straight, and then walk out into the cold until she found a taxi....
That all took effort, effort she didn't want to expend. No, it was better to just sit her with her old friend depression. To let it whisper in her ear, giving her the comforting feeling of being sad and pathetic....
In the dark of the apartment, the TV was a small box of light, sort of comforting in a way. Inside the box an old man was walking around a stage in front of a crowd of people. He was talking about Jesus. Jesus needed money. He held up various objects that you could buy if you wanted Jesus to love you. Porcelain angels, thin looking books of hymns, thrift store prayer beads. The old man's wrinkly face was warm and kind, but his eyes were cold and calculating. Kelly wondered what drove people to send men like this money, to buy into their scams. Probably people lonelier and more pathetic than her. Was that possible?
As the old man led the crowd of people in singing a gospel style version of "Jesus Loves Me" Kelly drifted off to sleep...

Mrs. Ellis was teaching math. That was all Mrs. Ellis taught to Kelly's group. They went down the hall to Mr. Brownstone to learn English and history, and down to the other end to Ms. Bagland to learn science. What year was this? Kelly shifted in her desk and looked at the brown haired boy sitting next to her. She didn't recognize him at all. Mrs. Ellis's voice was an unintelligible drone at the front of the classroom. The boy leaned in close to her and whispered. Kelly noticed with disgust that his teeth were several shades of yellowish brown.
"Death is the way to the seventh planet. The key is on the back of the hallway door...."
With a shock she suddenly realized who the kid was. Ralph Baio. He had fallen off the monkey bars and landed on his head in...6th grade. This was 6th grade, 1996.
And just like that, he was gone. His desk was covered with dark red blood.
Suddenly Kelly was very frightened. This was wrong, this was all wrong...
And suddenly she was on the swing-set in the school yard, the one that they taken down a the year she had started 8th grade, the year they had gotten all new playground equipment. Safer. The older stuff was all rusting metal...
The playground was empty and the sky was slate grey. A soft breeze was blowing and Kelly was sure that if this was reality and not just a dream, she would feel a little chilled.
The girl sitting on the swing next to her was very fat. So fat, in fact that the rubber seat under her looked like it would break at any moment. Kelly recognized her right away. Marie Douvant. Her parents had been very rich and no one in class had liked her much because she was very snotty. She had had a few friends though, ones that didn't mind her constantly bossing them around...
What had happened to her? Kelly hadn't thought of her in years. Moved away after sixth grade? No, that couldn't have been right. She had been around that first year of 7th grade. Even made it into the year book. Where had she gone after that?
Kelly wanted to ask her but, the girl looked so sad. She sat, her eyes closed, head bowed, looking at her expensive, but now very out of style shoes.
Finally after what seemed like forever, she spoke.
"It wasn't my fault." Kelly could just barley make out what she was saying, her voice was a low mumble, "When they took out, it looked so sad. It was so tiny and small and helpless. But it wasn't my fault. I didn't want it there in the first place...."
And then there was darkness, absolute, suffocating. And then there was the softer darkness of the apartment. The TV with a woman on it now, her make-up heavy and thick, almost clown-like. And the wind outside, howling to itself, screaming of pain that only it knew.
Kelly was crying, softly sobbing to herself, tears running down her cheeks. She hadn't cried for a long time. And she couldn't even remember why she was crying now...

Monday, December 13, 2010


I finally decided to get back into Blogging again. Not sure what's going to wind up here, this thing was always weird mess, based on whatever I felt like posting, so I guess I'll continue in that vein. I hope you 16 subscribers like it. And again, I ask: "Where did you all come from?" Are you all spam-bots? Would you tune in on a regular basis if I started posting everyday? I seriously want to know!

Tonight I felt like posting a song list. I love making my own mix lists. Usually I try to think of what I would play if I had my own radio station, so it's a bit of escapist fantasy for me too, as well a result of my general love of sharing music. Hope you guys like it! (All 16 of you!)

1. Frank Black - I Could Stay Here Forever
2. Mono Puff - Devil Went Down to Newport (Totally Rockin')
3. Harry Nilsson - Put the Lime in the Coconut (Thanks to my buddy Justin for reminding me about this one!)
4. The Ramones - Here Today, Gone Tommorow
5. The Chips - Rubber Biscuit
6. The Blues Brothers - Rubber Biscuit (Live)
7. Mindless Self Indulgence - Faggot
8. Tiny Tim (With Brave Combo) - Girl
9. Tiny Tim - Santa Claus has got the AIDS (Best fucking Christmas song ever!)
10. Kate Micucci - Mr. Moon
11. Pop-o-Pies - Fascists Eat Donuts
12. Kool Moe Dee - Monster Crack
13. ???????????????????????
Peace, love, and rat poison to you all!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Hello Everyone!

Hello to all my new followers! Where did you guys come from? I'm glad you're here though, I'll try and post more!

Ballad of Bitter Henry

A Parody of Eef Barzelay's Ballad Of Bitter Honey

That was me mopping up that pile of puke
Of some snotty little kid
You only saw me for a couple seconds
But I'm kinda hard to miss
And all the other facualty members
They all look down on me
Just because I have to kneel down
And wipe up their old stale pee

My father drank and beat my ass
Till he died and so to Ohio, I did make my way
I tried to finish my GED, I really wanted to, you see
But all those big words and multiplication tables
Well they really got to me

And all the kids think I’m stupid
I can see it when they look at me
But I know what they'll become
Their future's are clear to see
I was once in their shoes
It's not so far to fall
Someday one of them, will have to clean this hall

And if I push these piles of dirt together
And wax the tiles just so
I can buy pornography
And wood for my winter stove
Everyone should have a clean school
And a sterile place to learn
Don’t hate me 'cuz I want them all to fucking burn
Don’t hate me 'cuz I want them all to fucking burn

Monday, October 18, 2010

Who Gives a Fuck?

I'm back finally! Did you miss me? Eh, probably not. This is a parody of Alan Jackson's Livin' on Love. I wanted to be as vicious and cynical as possible to counteract the wholesome glurginess of the original song. Enjoy!

Two young people they like to screw
He knocked her up, what will they do?
I guess it all depends on your point of view
But who gives a fuck?

A trailer house, with a screen door
Roaches crawling on the floor
The kids are screaming he can't take anymore
Who gives a fuck?

Who gives a fuck? It's all a big lie
We're all breathin' air, livin' on borrowed time
You're born you grow old and you die
Who gives a fuck?
It's a crock of shit, that's what you're thinkin'
So let's go down to the bar and start drinkin'
And pretty soon we'll both be fucked up
So Who gives a fuck?

Two old people they should be dead
Whens the last time she gave him head?
They just scream at each other instead
Who gives a fuck?
He can't pee anymore
He thinks that she's a goddamn bore
But they'll only live a few years more
So who gives a fuck?

Who gives a fuck? It's all a big lie
We're all breathin' air, livin' on borrowed time
You're born you grow old and you die
Who gives a fuck?
It's a crock of shit, that's what you're thinkin'
So let's go down to the bar and start drinkin'
And pretty soon we'll both be fucked up
So Who gives a fuck?
Yeah, let's drink till we pass out and throw up
Who gives a fuck?

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Late Night Playlist - Horror Movie Songs

Most of these songs are cheesy, but I don't care, I love them anyways.

1. AC/DC - Who Made Who (Maximum Overdrive)
2. J. Geils Band - Fright Night (Fright Night)
3. 45 Grave - Partytime (Return of the Living Dead)
4. The Big O - Monster Mash (Return of the Living Dead Part 2 (Original soundtrack version))
5. Lion - Love is a Lie (Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter)
6. Dokken - Dream Warriors (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors)
7. Rob Zombie - Pussy Liquor (House of 1000 Corpses)
8. Blind Willie Johnson - Dark was the Night, Cold was the Ground (The Devil's Rejects)
9. Emmylou Harris, Alison Krauss, and Gillian Welch - Didn't Leave Nobody but the Baby (Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? (Not a horror movie but this song always creeps me out))
10. Eric Weissberg with Steve Mandel - Dueling Banjos (Deliverance)
11. The Dickies - Killer Klowns from Outer Space (Live) (Killer Klowns from Outer Space)
12. Unknown Artist - The Gonk (Dawn of the Dead (1978))
13. ????????????????????????????

Saturday, September 25, 2010

The WORST ads ever made!

You may have been laughed at those gross and stupid diarrhea ads. You've probably been annoyed by the stupid loud kids in those awful pizza roll commercials. But I bet you haven't seen anything as jaw droppingly awful as these ads by the Massengil Company. Hold onto your hats...

It's not just the fact that they use the word douche *snicker* over and over, there's a weird surreality to these things that probably comes from the fact that nobody ever acts like the people in these ads do, not even in other ads.

Adding to the weirdness is some of the worst 80s clothes and hair ever. All of these spots reek of hair spray and sweater fuzz.

More comfortable slanted design? Why would that matter...oh.

I don't have enough personal experience with how lady parts work, but wouldn't having to clean your crotch with vinegar make you kind of a...skank? Especially when you have to use extra strength stuff? Correct me if I'm wrong.

But Massengil wasn't the only company putting these big balls of awkward on the TV in the 80s, oh no. Check out Summer's Eve:

Not as bad, admittedly. It seems like Massengil were the only ones doing mother/daughter ads. (The vid header says Summer's Eve, but it's not.)

I have no idea how to end this post. How about with a song?

(Sung to the tune of Que Sara Sara)

When I was a teenage girl
I said to my mother please
My crotch it feels gritty
What should I do?
Here's what she said to me:

Douche Sara Sara
Whenever it burns when you pee
The same thing it happens to me
Douche Sara Sara

When I was older I met a boy
Not the cleanest one you see
Now I have crabs
It's driving me mad
But I know just what I need...

Douche Sara Sara
Whatever happens to me
Douche Sara Sara
Now I feel fresh and clean
Douche Sara Sara

Now my children they're all grown
But I still sit them on my knee
I hand them a bottle
With a slanted nozzle
And I tell them tenderly...

Douche Sara Sara
Take some advice from me
Douche Sara Sara
If it burns when you pee!

Monday, September 20, 2010

Confessions of a Lonely Boy #1

New column! Hooray! Bleck. Here's my intro song.

It's housefly season here in good ole Michigan. They stayed away pretty much all summer, only making their annoying and disgusting presence known on rare occasions where they could easily be killed and disposed of. However, a couple weeks ago their population exploded and I'm about to lose it.
I hate houseflies. I hate them more than just about anything. They're the Hitlers of the insect world. Evil beings bent on driving me insane until I slit my wrists to get their annoying high pitched buzzing out of my head.
I hate the way that they wake me up in the morning by swarming my widow as soon as the sun shows it's face.
I hate the way they die and insist on leaving their bodies all over the floor for me to step on.
I hate that I can't turn a light on anywhere in the house without at least two swarming around it and driving me insane when I all I want to do is read.
I hate that I can't watch a movie without them rudely walking across the screen.
And I hate the fact that no matter how much I vacuum them up, live or dead, there's always more and they never go away. And just a casual reading of Wikipedia brings up why there's so many: "Each female fly can lay approximately 500 eggs in several batches of about 75 to 150." Jesus. That's a lot of damn flies. Even if you count the number that get eaten by birds, frogs, fish, and spiders that's still a lot of flies. You could kill them all day and they'd still be around, waiting to puke on your food when you're not looking or to at least walk on it with their shit covered feet. And yes, they do eat by puking up stomach acid and primarily eat shit and rotting garbage. Think about that next time you see one. And then smash the little fucker for me.

But anyways, I think the reason that I hate them the most is that they remind me of my own mortality. Their lives are just as dull and pointless as my life. They're born, they eat garbage, they mature and eat shit and more garbage, they fuck, procreate, and die. That's if they survive to do those things. And so what if they do? Their only purpose is to continue the species and provide food for other larger creatures. Humans may be smarter than all the other animals but we're still animals, nature still doesn't give a fuck about us. It's still a scrabble to survive, one that can be cut short whenever fate feels like it. It's just as much a crock of shit for us as it is for leeches and hag fish and bedbugs. I don't like to be reminded of it constantly.
So they're lying there with their little black bodies dead on the windowsill when I'm trying to make some food, or their pointlessly buzzing around my light when I'm trying to get into some book to escape my pointless dull life and their buzzing is a constant reminder of my own unavoidable death and it depresses me and makes me feel dirty at the same time. Plus they insist on dive bombing me like they really do hate me. You ever have one stuck in your hair and you can't get it out? Angrily buzzing as it tangles it self more and more and you just want to fucking die?
God I hate houseflies. At least my cat eats them. When he can catch them. And when he feels like it.

And no, I didn't miss the irony of them crawling around on the screen as I tried to watch The Fly tonight. Just in case you were wondering.

Mood: Annoyed
Current Fantasy Girl: Asia Argento
Current Song I Would Play for my Friends (If I Had Any): Butthole Surfers - Sweat Loaf

Early Morning Ramblings

I think I've been able to figure out where my attraction to red heads comes from:

Even though it's not a kid's movie, I distinctly remember watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit quite a few times as a kid. I remember the shoe getting dropped in the bucket of dip (one of the most disturbing things I can recall watching) and the ending when Judge Doom reveals that he's a toon and he starts shrieking.
I think I need to re watch it...

And here's a bar scene from another movie that I watched quite a bit when I was a kid:

The Great Mouse Detective is friggin' awesome, probably my favorite Disney movie. I think it's kind of over looked too, more people should see it. I mean, Vincent Price is a giant evil rat! And he sings! How could you not want to watch it?

Oh and how about this (from another underrated movie):

It's really kind of amazing to think that stuff like this would never fly now. I thought I was sheltered as a kid, but I think it's so much worse now. Or maybe with shows like Ren and Stimpy and Rocko's Modern Life I just had it too good. Sometimes I can't believe I miss the 90s, it's really pathetic.

So what train of thought brought this on? Well, I was reading today about how one of my favorite books, Fun Home by Alison Bechdel being banned from libraries, particularly in Utah, for it's frank sexual content. Not worse than you find in most books really but because Fun Home is presented in comic form (I hate the term "graphic novel") it was felt that kids could see it and be ruined forever by a few panels of nudity and lesbian sex. I think it's more homophobia than anything, mixed with the still lingering shreds of "comics are for kids" bullshit. Which, if the people complaining had actually bothered to read Fun Home would find that it's an incredible work of literature as well as a shockingly personal work of art. But it's been branded pornography, which really pisses me off. Sigh.

What else have I been reading? Well, It Rhymes With Lust, considered by many to be the first "graphic novel". (The cover calls it a picture novel.) Printed in 1950 but quickly sunk without it's publisher bothering to market it, it was re-printed a few years ago by Dark Horse. Is it worth a read? Well the writing is pure pulp, and I love that stuff but some people might be turned off by the flowery dialouge or the over dramatic plot, which I just funny. The real reason to check it out is Matt Baker's incredible black and white artwork. Baker was one of the few sucessful African American artists working in comics at the time and he drew females better than just about anyone during that period. (And after the comic's code, no one was drawing females like that at all!)
I've got Will Eisner's A Contract With God coming in the mail, which should be an interesing read.
I was trying to think last night what my favorite comics were (excluding webcomics) and I came up with a short list:

1. The Preacher Series by Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon
2. Fun Home by Alison Bechdel
3. Kraven's Last Hunt by J.M. DeMatteis and Mike Zeck
4. Yes, Alan Moore's Watchmen. Sigh. Is it cliche to put it here? Oh well, despite over exposure, it's still an awesome book.
5. Johnny the Homocidal Maniac by Johnen Vasquez
6. I Feel Sick by Johnen Vasquez
7. Milk and Cheese by Evan Dorkin (Seriously, if you haven't read any M and C comics yet, go check them out NOW!)
8. Frank Miller's Sin City
9. The Long Hallowen by Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale
10. The Killing Joke by Alan Moore

Too chliched? Eh, I'm working on it. I'm not too big on superhero comics, although I do love Batman and Kraven's Last Hunt (a Spiderman story) is friggin' incredible. I need some good recomendations though, if you guys have any.

As for webcomics I did recently discover Everydaycute which I like way more than I should. Despite my addiction to grisley horror movies and comics I still harbor a sickening love of the cute. I openly admit it, I am not proud.

But anyways, I am about to fall asleep at my keyboard. So goodnight to anyone that happens to be reading.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

What I'm Obsessed with Lately: Ancient Fast Food Ads

Before they got their asses sued off by Sid and Marty Krofft (look them up), McDonald's decided the best way to get kids to eat their food would be to create a fantasy land lorded over by several slightly creepy, but mostly retarded characters. None of which were rip-offs of a certain popular TV series. Not at all...

You know what most whimsical children's fantasy lands are really missing? Horrible tasting fast food! And evil four armed retarded whatsits.

Grimace was later changed into a good guy, of course. How? I'm guessing lobotomy, but then his level of super retardeness was toned down as well. Maybe they managed to cut out just the right part of his brain.

McDonald-land had two politicians who had head's made out of cheeseburgers. I wonder if any kids got kicked out for taking bites out of them? And no, I'm not following a creepy pedophile clown anywhere. Not even during a bad acid trip...

Another thing I've noticed with these ads is that there's never any parents present. Where did they go? The answer is simple: Ronald killed them. And he wears their skin at night when no one's around, dancing around the retarded trees under the full moon.

Here's how this ad would go if I were writing it:
Captain Crook: "How about a cheeseburger for me?"
Ronald: "Fuck you captain crook, you still owe me 50 bucks from last week's "how long can the hooker stay alive under water" bet.
Captain Crook: "Arrrr, that's me wife you're talking about..."

Captain Crook would later become The Hamburglar. By wearing his skin.

Here's some more stupid shit that only five year olds would laugh at! Eat our food until you puke!

Why is every character in McDonald-land retarded? The fucking bird can't even fly straight!
Hey, I've got an idea of how you can wake up Ronald: Shit on his face!
I'm a terrible person...

Lets get away from McDonald's for now and visit a place I would actually consider eating at:

Actually, I meant KFC, not the doddering old colonel's house. It probably smells like chicken grease and pee. Uck, I wouldn't lick my fingers. Not after touching anything in that place...

Colonel Sanders never looks quite right to me in these ads. His eyes are too small and close together and he can't even talk like a normal human being. What the fuck is "egg warsh?"
And he's a terrible dancer:

It might be so nice to feel good about a meal, but I'm guessing the Colonel probably couldn't feel much below the waist at that point...

Hey, you know who's a great dancer? MC Hammer!

*snicker* not really. And he couldn't rap worth a darn either.
And is this commercial slightly racist? Not really, because Hammer also shilled out for Taco Bell:

Also please note: never in the history of time outside of the early 90s were the hairstyles and fashions present in the above two ads allowable. Unless you're a hipster. And then you'd still look like a tool.

But lets get back to the 70s...

The narrator says "Colonel Sanders and his boys" despite the fact that the person that hands the old man the bucket is apparently a woman.
You will eat KFC or "The Colonel and his boys" will break every bone in your bodies. Dig?

Oh and remember how I said before that The Colonel had a hard time with a simple thing like talking? Well, check this out:

And he's not even drunk like Orson Welles!

Here's an ad that openly admits that eating fried chicken will make you fat:

Oh those wacky Australians with their fast food eating horses and sheep and their morbidly obese food addicted children! And I bet you thought all they had down there were toxic octopi and snails, Paul Hogan, and Vegemite sandwiches. Well,you were wrong!

Alright, lets finish this post with Willard Scott, who wants to sell you dolls in his likeness that he wants you to touch, possibly in inappropriate places:

Lets fast forward and check in with Willard now, shall we?

And I'm done. Alright, one more. Check out this ad for the first happy meal:

"Your kids will love them!" Or, more likely, "Sad 30 somethings who live in their parent's basements will love them! And collect every toy! And never ever get laid!"
I'm just kidding, I love all nerds. I kid because I love. Just don't come too close to me because you smell like ham.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Monsters in the Night

"When I was little I used to be scared
Of being alone at night.
I'd pull the blankets up over my head
And pray that the sky would get light...

But then my mommy sat by my bed
And said there was nothing to fear,
'Cause nothing scary went on in the night
And she and my daddy were near..."
-From The Sesame Street Library volume 2

They're coming for me
I can hear them scratching at the baseboards
Like little mice, but with long sharp nails
Trying to get out
Trying to get into our world
Trying to get at me
What will the do when they find me?
What do they want?
The scratching is in my head
It rings in my ears
It makes my eyes water
I can't sleep
All I can do is lie here in the dark
Covering my ears
Scratching lines down my face
Silently screaming so I don't wake the neighbors
But I can't make it stop
I can't make them go away...

When I was six there was a monster in my closet
He was a large man with long scraggly hair
He was always covered in blood
And sometimes he would have a knife
Or a baseball bat
I told my daddy about the monster
But he said I was being stupid
And he laughed
He laughed at me
But he wasn't laughing when he opened the closet
It's hard to laugh when your brains are all over the floor
I started laughing then
And I've never stopped...

My daddy is hurting my mommy
My mommy is crying
There is a loud noise
Like someone slamming a door
I don't hear mommy anymore
But I can hear daddy breathing
It's so loud
Even though he's in the other room
Now the door is open
Daddy is there
He looks at me
His eyes are too wide
And he's sweating really badly
Now he closes the door and walks away
I can hear the front door slam
I pull the covers up over my head
And try to sleep
Try to concentrate on the traffic outside
Instead of the awful quiet
But I don't think I'll ever sleep again...

Monday, September 6, 2010

Friday, September 3, 2010

Night Train to Yucca Flats

I hate you Coleman Francis
I'm glad that you are dead
Because your movies make it feel like
I've got a hole drilled in my head
And my brains are spilled all over the floor
I don't want to watch them anymore

Yucca Flats had Tor Johnson
Chasing kids with a stick
But your murky cinematography
Really made me feel sick
At least I would have been
If I wasn't asleep
Where did you learn to pace your films
You no talent worthless creep?

Red Zone Cuba has no Tor
You cast yourself in his place
I had to spend almost two hours
Staring at your ugly face
Two hours of nothing
A dreary sludgy mess
But John Carradine's singing
Was okay I guess

Where did you learn to edit?
Where did you learn to write?
Why do your scenes switch constantly
From night to day to night?
Why do you hate your audience?
And make them suffer pain?
What the Hell was wrong with you?
Was it something in your brain?

I hate you Coleman Francis
I'm glad that you are dead
Because your movies make it feel like
I've got a hole drilled in my head
And my brains are spilled all over the floor
I don't want to watch your movies anymore

I don't want to watch
I don't want to see
I don't want to watch
I don't want to see
But I still haven't seen Skydivers
Lord have mercy on me!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Happy Laughing Fun

I'm so happy I could throw up
All over the place
Happy laughing fun
Happy laughing fun
I'm so happy I could throw up
Right in your face
Happy laughing fun
All over the place

Oh, all I want to do
Is take some time
And dance with you, oh
So stay for awhile
Cause seeing your face
Just makes me smile
Happy laughing fun
All the while

I'm sad that I could throw up
All over the place
No more laughing fun
I'm sad that I could throw up
In your pretty face
No more laughing fun
All over the place

Oh, when I saw you
Walking out with some guy you knew
All I want to do
Is take a knife
And put it into you
To make you feel the pain
This burning feeling in my brain
I can make it go away!
I can make it go away!
Happy laughing fun
All over the place

I'm so happy
I'm so happy
Happy happy happy
Happy happy happy
Happy laughing fun
Happy laughing fun
All of the time

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Late Night Songlist (Metallica is Overrated Edition)

This list is composed of all the original versions of songs Metallica covered on their Garage Inc. album. And by "covered" I mean "turned into a bunch of sludge that all sounded exactly the same." It is, however, an interesting mix of heavy metal and punk and some other junk that makes for a pretty good playlist. This is going to be quite long, so bare with me. Or not.

Disc 1:
1. Discharge - Free Speech for the Dumb
2. Diamond Head - It's Electric
3. Black Sabbath - Sabbra Cadabra (Metallica's version includes a chunk of A National Acrobat)
4. Bob Seger - Turn the Page
5. The Misfits - Die, Die My Darling
6. Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - Loverman
7. Mercyful Fate Medley:
*Satan's Fall (Part 1) (Part 2)
*Curse of the Pharaohs
*A Corpse Without Soul
*Into the Coven
8. Blue Öyster Cult - Astronomy
9. Whiskey in the Jar
*Thin Lizzy's Version (The version Metallica is covering)
*The also pretty great Dubliners version
10. Lynyrd Skynyrd - Tuesday's Gone
11. Discharge - The More I See (The Metallica version also includes a short chunk of Bridge of Sighs by Robin Trower)

Disc 2:
1. Diamond Head - Helpless
2. Holocaust - The Small Hours
3. Killing Joke - The Wait
4. Budgie - Crash Course in Brain Surgery
5. *Misfits - Last Caress
*Misfits - Green Hell
(Also contains a mocking parody of Iron Maiden's Run to the Hills. Maiden responded with a rant at the end of a cover of Space Station No. 5 by Montrose. (Part one) (Part two)(The original Montrose version)
6. Diamond Head - Am I Evil?
7. Blitzkrieg - Blitzkrieg
8. Budgie - Breadfan
9. Diamond Head - The Prince
10. Queen - Stone Cold Crazy
11. Anti-Nowhere League - So What?
12. Sweet Savage - Killing Time
13. Motorhead - Overkill
14. Motorhead - Damage Case
15. Motorhead - Stone Dead Forever
16. Motorhead - Too Late Too Late

Sorry this ended up being so long. If all this metal and punk has been too much for your brain, please have some Yanni and my apologies.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Kurdt Reads Chick Tracts - The Warning

All comics stolen from Jack Chick's home on the web.

Danger! High Voltage!

All comics should start with a horrible car crash. It'd make Ziggy a heck of a lot more interesting anyways...

So to teach your grandkid a lesson you took him a grisly car wreck? Methinks that grandpa is going to get put in a home soon...

Umm, no. It's not that he didn't believe in warning signs, it's that he chose to ignore one. There is a difference. And a stop sign isn't a warning sign anyways, it's a command sign. Legally, you don't have a choice whether you want to stop or not.
Am I the only one getting Troll 2 flashbacks with Grandpa Seth there?

Grandpa kept that barbed wire in that drawer along with his lawn darts and autographed Charles Manson photo...

Someone found a new swimming hole? Hooray! Man, I would not want to live in a town where that's a huge thing. Also, that pig looks stoned.

Gah! What the Hell is wrong with that kid's face? I suppose it's a pretty good representation of a backwoods, it's just an awful drawing. This page is also very funny if you change the first dialogue balloon to "I gots some sexy chickens that we's can fuck."
Please also note the appearance of Fang the Dog. He's a reoccurring character in Chick Tracts, for some odd reason.

I'm having Children of the Corn flashbacks! A Chick Tract devoted to He Who Walks Behind the Rows would be pretty awesome, actually.
But wait, they said "Nobody lives out here anymore." That means that someone did live out there, thus someone had to now about the swimming hole. How the heck could they have just found it? And it wouldn't exactly be new either. I'm thinking too hard about this...

Well at least that first panel is accurate. Every "No Trespassing" sign that I've ever seen has at least two bullet holes in it.
Also, this is a pretty good set up for a horror movie.

"Hey guys, I'm stuck!" "Too Bad!" Typical Jack Chick dialogue and characterization. People who do bad things really don't give a crap what happens to fellow members of the human race in Chick's world.
Oh and

I guess BP owns this land. Either that or this is the nastiest stagnant water on the face of the earth.
"Wow, look at that!" It's water! Hooray!
And nice job putting the "No Swimming" sign on ONE SIDE OF THE POND! It also kind of negates the whole message of ignoring signs that Chick is trying to put forth.

Snake! Snake! Oooh, it's a snake! Sorry, I had to do it.
Damn oil snakes, they're the worst!
This page is out of order, it should be after the next one. Maybe it's a mistake or maybe Chick just doesn't know how to plan a story out. I'm guessing the latter.

From the look on his face, he already came. Heh heh. Sorry, that was terrible.
I know that he wouldn't (and probably shouldn't) have them swimming naked, but he could have at least given them shorts. Swimming in long underwear would suck so very very bad.

I love this panel. The kid yelling "Stay away! It's full of SNAKES!" Combined with Tommy's sweat strewned "guh?" face, makes me laugh every time.
This is also a good time to bring up the question of "Are there really ponds out there full of poisonous snakes ready to kill stupid kids that decide to go swimming?" And if so, why wouldn't the people who own the land do something about it? True, this is supposed to be abandoned property, but then who put up the signs? Why didn't Chick just make it about kids messing around in a rock pile somewhere, you know, WHERE SNAKES ACTUALLY CONGREGATE?

This preacher is an asshole. "Yup, these three boys died an awful, tragic, and very painful death, lets change the subject to something only marginally related, shall we?"

Actually no, it wasn't Satan that was planning to destroy Adam and Eve, it was God. God was the one who put the tree there and told them not to touch it, knowing full well that they would since he's FREAKING GOD! He's omnipitent so he would also have to know about Satan, who he would also have to have created. Where else would he have come from and why would God let him stay in the garden? The Old Testament makes no sense until you realize that God is an evil character that only wants pain and suffering for his creations. Because he loves them.
And it says "Eve would become like God" not "a god" since there was only one. Get your scripture right Chick!

God is supposed to be all powerful, if he wanted to he could reverse what happened and fix his fuck up. He didn't want to. Everything is according to his plan and will, all the wars and pestilence and disease are his fault. Those souls that are burning in Hell are burning because he wants them there. God and satan are one and humanity is doomed. There, it's simple. I should make my own tracts. I think I'd be able to draw better than Chick anyways...
In my head that preacher comes floating in from the right side of the panel. It must be cold in the inky black void he lives in.

This page also needs a soundtrack:
This kid is more choked up about what this preacher is saying then having seen his friends get murdered by snakes. Thats kind of fucked up.

This is the point in every Chick Tract where you go "Alright, we've had our fun laughing at the awful art work, the bullshit contrived plots, and insane Christian conservative beliefs, is this thing over yet?" No, no it's not.
That preacher reminds me of someone, I just can't put my finger on it. Anyone see any resemblences?

Umm, preacher? I thought this was a funeral service? You know, the very tragic death of three young boys? Remember? Oh well, they were back woods trash anyways.
Tommy: "I thought Jesus died for our sins? Doesn't that mean I can sin all I want and just pray for forgivness right after?"
Preacher: "Shut up Tommy or I'll make you stay late with Preacher Mike and his Roman fingers..."

It's a good thing that they suddenly rememberd they had a funeral to finish.
That kid's face is really messed up in that second panel. I guess the joy of loving Jesus disfigured him.
And if your heart is really dirty, I'd suggest seeing a doctor pretty damn quick. People die from that sort of thing you know.

So, from this one story that his senile old grandpa told him, the little boy was conned into giving all his allowance money to the church and spent many happy hours with the rev in his back office, until the police put a stop to it. Is that the end yet? Nope.

Blah blah blah blah blah....THE END!

Alright, so if you want me to do another one of these, please say so in the comments section. Or if I've gravly offended you and you want to rip my heart out and stomp on it, or if you have any suggestions or critisims at all, please comment. I need your comments more than water or air!

I'll leave you with this song, which should be the theme for every Chick Tract ever:

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Thomas Kinkade's Cavalcade of Whimsy

We open on a montage of Thomas Kinkade's paintings, with Kenny G's Songbird as the musical opening theme. We settle on a painting of a cabin as the music fades away. The title reads Thomas Kinkade's Cavalcade of Whimsy in soft white letters. We then fade out and in to a portly man sitting on a living room couch, surrounded by Kinkaid paintings. He has a poofy moustache and he is smiling a bit too wide. His beady eyes reveal a not all together pleasant sense of the man that lives behind them.
Man (with a thick southern accent): Hey y'all and welcome to my show! Who am I? I am just the goddamn best selling painter in the the whole fucking world! Thomas Mother Fucker Kinkaide.
He slaps both his knees and chuckles
And Don't you forget it!
He points menacingly at the camera and then smiles again.
Kinkade: Today We're going to have a lot of fun and you're going to buy a lot of my merchandise! But first, I have some business to take care of.
He pulls a Picasso and a Rembrandt from behind the couch.

K (Shouting): These bastards think their better than me. Don't you, you stupid sons a bitches? Well I got news for you Mergatroide, I am the best painter that ever lived. No one comes into my house and tries to steal my crown! Take this!
He then proceeds to stomp up and down the paintings before unzipping his fly.
K (Peeing): Oh yeah, how do you like that?
He finishes and zips up his fly.
K: (Looking at the camera again): I paid 2 million for those paintings and it was worth every penny! But now I've got something really special to show you folks at home!
He walks into his kitchen and sits down at the table. He picks up a knife that has a painting of his on the handle.
K: Now, I've got a little contest for you people at home. And all of you should be watching. Uncle Kinky wants you to find anyone that isn't watching this show right now and stab them in the face with a soldering iron. You will get Kinkaide points when you get to heaven. Now then! What was I talking about?
He looks puzzled for a bit and then looks down at the knife and jumps a bit in his chair.
K: Oh, okay! I remembers now! My contest! (Chuckles). This summer I'm coming to one of your houses. You won't know what time it is or what day I'm just gonna show up! And if you don't have any of my merchandise prominently on display, (Gets a serious look on his face) I'm going to kill you and your whole fucking family!
He laughs again and swings the knife around his head.
K: Now, I've got some products that you sure a shit are gonna buy. (Lower voice almost a growl) Don't get me angry. (Happy again)
K: You're about to get a peek into my super secret workshop! (Low voice) But remember, it's a secret! (Yells) SO DON'T TELL ANYONE!
We fade out and back into a basement room. There's rows and rows of artists sitting at easles, chained to the floor. They're painting bright landscapes and whimsical cabins. They look dirty and malnourished.
K: This is my secret workshop! This is where alllllllll the magic happens! Lets chat a bit with one of my helpers, shall we?
He swings his arm wide at the camera and then walks over to one of the artists, and puts his hand on his shoulder.
Artist: (Jumps) Oh, oh, uh, Mr. Kinkaid sir, I'm um almost finished with...
K: Why is this not done yet?
A: I'm, I'm working as fast as I can. I need food, I don't' have any energy to fin...oh God, I'm gonna die here! (Sobs)
Kinkaid frowns and looks mad. He scans the picture for a long time.
K: (Grabbing the easel.) This is crap! Pure trash! And you know what we do with trash?
A: N-n-no Mr. Kinkaid, sir!
K: We live in the trash we create!
He slams the painting on the artists head, who falls off the chair and lies still on the dirty floor. Kinkaide approaches another artist.
K: Lets see what we have here....hmmm.
Artist: It's...It's not finished yet Mr. Kinkaide, sir.
Kinkaide grabs the painting and stares at it. He shrugs his shoulders.
K: Eh, good enough.
He throws the painting into a huge pile of easels in the middle of the room.
K: (Yelling) BOSTWICK!
A very malnourished looking man in a business suit comes shuffling in as fast he can. He looks like a younger Mr. Burns and he talks like Peter Lorre.
Bostwick: Yes, sir, what is your wish today?
K: (Points) Take those down to the lab and have them made into steins and shower curtains.
B: Yes, master (Shuffles away and comes back with a large wheelbarrow. He starts loading the paintings in, in the back ground. As Kinkaide address the camera.
K: Now that you've seen the wonders of my shop, lets look at some products!
Artist: (In the background) Ummmm, can I have some food now?
K: (Angrily) No, not till you give me some quality work! Don't make me get my whimsical cane!
We fade out and back in on the living room. Those several objects on the table.
K: Now there's several objects that I want you to buy. (Mad) And you will buy them. (Growls) (Happy again) The first piece is this beautiful porcelain dildo. Look at that, isn't that lovely?
The shaft of the dildo has a Kinkaid landscape on it, the head is a whimsical cabin.
K: And it vibrates! (Chuckles) For when you've got an itch that only Kinkaide can scratch.
He puts the vibrator on the table and picks up a brightly painted S&M mask.
K: Now this is for when your kids are bad! Ya just put it on their head, shut the zipper and lock it with my trademarked Kinkaide padlock, Like this. And your child will learn his place while also learning about the world of art! See, it even has a painting on the inside!
He turns it inside out, there is. He picks up another objects, it looks almost like a flashlight but it has a strange looking end.
K: Now this here is the pride and joy of Kinkaide labs. I call it the, whimsicator! Now to really test this baby out, we need to go out on the town and find a someone to test drive it for us! Lets go!
We fade out to Kinkaide lurking in the bushes watching a shirtless sweaty man pushing a lawn mower. He jumps out of the bushes at the man.
K: (Chuckles) You're on the Cavalcade of Whimsy dude! And you're going to test drive one of my fine products!
Man: I am?
K: Of course you are! And if you don't I'll tell your wife about that little thing you've got going with your daughters slutty friend. You know, the one that wears the pigtails all the time...
Man: (Scared) I'll do anything you say! Please for the love of god...
K: (Pats him on the back) Of course you will. (Turns to the camera) Now for the folks at home, here's how you use the Whimsicator!
He points it at the lawnmower and flips a switch. The top opens and shoots a beam of pastel light. It hits the lawnmower and suddenly it's made of porcelain and has a lightly colored forest painted on it.
Man (Forcing a smile): That's um...that's great! (Laughs nervously) Um, is this thing still gonna work?
K: No way in Heck! But now it's a collectors item! And watch this!
He points the thing at the guy's house which transforms into a whimsical cabin. Kinkaide laughs and runs around laughing turning the trees into cookie cutter chocolate box art.
Man: (With his jaw wide open) Oh my sweet Jesus!
K: And it works on people too!
He points the beam at the man and hits the button. Suddenly the man is wearing leiderhosen, wooden shoes, and a funny German hat. Kinkaide looks down at the thing.
K: (Puzzled) Ah shit, I've got this thing stuck on Hummel!
He starts hitting the bottom of the thing and it shoots a beam of light into the sky, which transforms into pastel blues and oranges and reds.
K: (Scared) Oh shit, better jet!
As he runs off back onto the bushes the man takes a peek down his pants.
Man: (In a thick Swedish accent) Vhere did mah genitals go?
We fade back into the living room, Kinkaide is sitting on the couch, the knife is still in his hand.
K: That's all for today folks, and remember, buy my art, or I'll fucking kill you!
He starts waving the knife around and slices the side of his neck open. He rubs some blood on this fingers as it runs down his neck and soaks into his shirt.
K: Ah crud, accidents happen. Too bad I can't use this for my paintings, it's too bright! But I do use a whole lot of urine!
He points the knife at the camera.
K: Okay Teddy, shut that thing off. (Angrily) I said shut it off!
Teddy: (From behind the camera) (Scared) I can't uncle T!
K: (Getting up and advancing towards the camera with the knife) Why you incompetent...
We hear a scream and the camera gets knocked over. We can see Kinkaide chasing around a teenager with long hair, who is screaming his head off.
K: Get back here, so I can carve a whimsical cabin on your back!
We fade away to the same montage of paintings and Kenny G.