Thursday, December 31, 2009

Billboard Top 100 of 1940

I had this weird idea today so I thought I'd give it a try. Wikipedia has listings for all the #1 singles in the top 100 of ever year so I thought I'd go through and see if I could post the ones for every year from 1940 up to now, sans repeats.

1940 only had three number ones so here they are.

July 27th - October 12th

October 19th to December 14th

December 21st - December 28th (Going all the way to March 8th of 1941!)

I hope you guys find this interesting, 1941 has a whole bunch so stay tuned!

Edit: I decided a whole new blog would be the way to go for this, so go here and comment:

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Favorite Old School Toy Commercials

Johnny Reb Cannon (From Remco!)

If I had gotten this as a kid, I would probably have hit my brother in the face with it the first chance I got and had it taken away. I don't know how gay I would have felt though.

Tobor (It's robot spelled backwards!)

I love how enthusiastic these kids look playing with this toy that looks like it would be fun for about five minuets. From what I've read from people that actually had this thing as kids, the darn controller never even worked right!

Baby Laugh a Lot

Another Remco toy! This one's all over the Internet, not surprisingly. You think the makers of that ad knew how creepy it was?

Micro Machines

I never quite got the appeal of Micro Machines. I had plenty of toy cars and they were all normal size, why would I want tiny ones? The ads were all pretty memorable though.

Lets ramp this bitch up with some video game ads!


I think they were going for an innocent heartwarming ad with this one but it just turned out...weird. To say the least. And yes that is George Plimpton. I have no idea why he was shilling for Intellivision but the man went 3 rounds with Archie Moore and Sugar Ray. That gave him the license to do whatever the fuck he wanted as far as I'm concerned.

Atari - Pole Position

This is my favorite ad ever. For anything. I know it's just for a silly racing game, but if I had seen this on TV as a kid I'd have begged my parents to buy it till I developed lesions in my throat. Hell, if it was for Sauerkraut, I'd have begged them to buy it. I wish they still made video game ads like that.
And this...

Mario Bros. (Atari)

Try and get that song out of your fucking head now. Mario Bros. (without the super in front of it) was a pretty bland game in the arcade, it was probably worse on the Atari, but damn if that ad doesn't make it sound more fun than shooting paintballs at a clown.

Magnavox Odyssey

And finally, the first video game ad for the first ever home video game system. It's too bad the Odyssey was a lame piece of junk, but just look at how happy the people look playing with their overlays and bright squares on their huge cabinet TV. The guy looks like he's faking it though.
Okay, one more.


Oh god, the waves of nostalgia this ad induces in me is almost sickening. Thanks to the fact that it played almost constantly during Saturday morning cartoons, I've had the jingle stuck in my head since I was 6. Sometimes I can't even remember peoples names that I work with everyday, but I remember that the best thing about Skip-it is that it has a counter on the ball. Fuck me up the ass with a chainsaw.
My grandma actually had one of these things. It was nowhere near as cool as the ads made it out to be. Of course.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

New Years Resolutions

2009 was a shitty year. A year of started and abandoned projects and hopeless thrashing in the dark. But you know what? I'm not going to fuck around in 2010. I know most people say they're going to do things in the new year but never do, but I'm stubborn when I set my mind to something. So here's a few changes I'm going to make and a few projects I'm going to undertake.

1. No more alcohol. You have this thing in the middle of your forehead called your third eye, which lets you see the world for how it really is. Every drink you take clouds it over till you can't see out of it at all. So fuck it, I want my third eye as open and clean as possible.

2. Buy a bass guitar and learn to play. Anyone want to start a band?

3. Meet at least one of my heroes.

4. Write a novel. This is one I'm really not going to fuck around with. Starting January 1st, it's going to be at least two pages a day. When it's finished it's getting shipped around to publishers. Fuck everything else, this is going to be the most important thing because I think if I don't do it then I never will. So yeah, everything else is going to be secondary. This shit is getting done.

Thats pretty much it. I have no idea if this blog is going to continue or what I'm going to do with it. Maybe when a cool idea strikes me I'll post. I'm hoping to be busy with this novel though.

I wish you all the best for the coming year, thanks again for reading!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Top 5 Stupidest Movie Monsters

You really don't get the same class of pathetic movie monsters nowadays that you used to get in the 50s and 60s. Here are my picks for the most jaw droppingly terrible half-ass creations.

5. Phantom Planet (1961) - The Solarites
Phantom Planet is a pretty standard sci-fi cheapie, one of about a billion that graced drive-in theaters through out the 1950s. Coming in at the tail-end of the sci-fi boom, the story of an astronaut who lands on a meteorite and shrinks (for some reason) and meets a tiny race of people, doesn't have much to offer other than a few unintentional laughs. Most of those come at the expense of the movies villains, the dog-faced Solarites. The things look like sad puppies rather than the fearsome monsters they were supposed to be.

On a nerdy note, The Solarites are played by Richard Kiel who would go on to bad movie infamy as the cave man Eegah in the movie of the same name. Oh and he also played Jaws in Moonraker and Adam Sandler's boss in Happy Gilmore. ("And you can count, on me, waiting for you in the parking lot!")

4. Teenagers from Outer Space (1959) - The Gargons
TfOS is one of my very favorite crappy movies. Despite the fact that it's bone headed and cheap in every way possible, it manages to generate an odd innocent charm. An alien named Derek (seriously) comes to earth with several other not-teenagers bent on finding a reliable place for their Gargon herds, their main food source, to grow. The Gargons are lobsters. Not lobsters covered with anything to disguise the fact that they're lobsters. They're just lobsters in cages. The best part, however, is when one gets out and it's lobstery shadow stalks our heroes. It's special effects failure at it's best and one reason why I love TfOS so much.

3. El Sonido de la muerte (Sound of Horror) (1964)- Invisible Dinosaur
You probably haven't heard of this one since it's undeservedly obscure. A group of people are trapped in a house after an artifact expedition into the neighboring mountains lets a monster loose! Oooh, scary! However we never actually get to see the monster since it's invisible! It might seem like a novel idea for a movie since you can't see the crappy cardboard creature that these movies usually present and you have to use your imagination, but the movie is so laughably stupid and cheap that it screams desperation on the part of the film makers when they realized they had no money for a decent looking monster. Oh yeah, they eventually kill the monster by setting it on fire and it's revealed to be...a stupid looking cardboard dinosaur. Go figure!

2. The Creeping Terror (1964) - Space Slug
So whats more laughable than an invisible dinosaur? How about a giant space slug made out of rotted carpet and old blankets that moves slower than a stoned snail that still manages to eat stupid teenagers? Creeping Terror is a legendarily bad movie that really has to be seen to be believed. On top of the stupid looking monster there's the ever present narration that had to be used since most of the original audio tracks were dumped in a lake and some of the worst white people dancing ever put on film. The monster is really just the topping on the cake for this one, the whole thing is hilariously terrible.

1. Godmonster of Indian Flats (1973) - The Godmonster
Surprisingly, the worst monster ever put on film isn't from the 50s or 60s. The stupidest looking most illogical hunk of rotted carpet ever to menace a small western town is the Godmonster, from a mid 70s film so bad that it couldn't find a distributer and rotted away in obscurity till it was put on DVD by the Schlock mavens at Something Weird Video. It's pretty amazing to think about a movie so bad that the 70s drive-in distributors would't touch it considering all the awful crap that got put on those giants screens for horny teens to make out in front of but it really is that terrible. The Godmonster is a killer sheep that looks like a retarded muppet made out of rotted trash pile carpet. He lumbers around scaring kids and eating their hot dogs, dances with a hippie chick, and eventually knocks over a fuel pump at a gas station causing it to blow up. Then he's captured and...I'm not really sure what happens as the ending is so bat-shit insane that it's hard to tell. But most of the movie doesn't even concern the stupid looking thing. Most of the movie is about a racist sheriff that's trying to frame a black business man for murder. Seriously. Everyone needs to see this movie just to marvel at it's incredible awfulness, to shake their heads in wonderment that such a thing could exist.

Honorable Mentions

The Killer Shrews (1959) - The Shrews
Aww, wook at da puppies! And wook at all the cute carpet someone put on you! Is you trying to look scary? Is you? I think you is! Dats adorable!

The Giant Gila Monster (1959) - The Gila Monster
Are you really surprised that this was made by the same guy that made The Killer Shrews? Watch in terror as the monster slowly waddles around and wrecks a model train set! Scream in terror as it ruins the good time of our hip young teens at a dance hall! Wince at the awful awful songs sung by the films hero!

The Being (1983) - The Being
I'm not quite sure what it is, but it's darn stupid looking all the same. I pretty much just wanted to include one 80s movie here.

Read this article here too!:
Comment on it and rate it five stars!

Thursday, December 17, 2009


In the spirit of Nico's picture blog...

See more of Asphyxia on her blog and at ModelMayhem.
Follow her on Twitter.

I'm working on a story that I'll hopefully have a piece of up tomorrow night!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Two Quick Things

Two quick things before I go to bed, both of which made my day:

New Tales of Mere Existence!

This pretty much mirrors my thoughts on God and religion. I never really thought about why churches are so big though, I wonder if it's true?

Also, Garfunkel and Oates got on Leno!

I hate Leno but it's awesome to see these two genuinely funny and talented musicians get some of the recognition they deserve!

Uck, bad bad boring long day. Two days into the week and I already want to crawl under a rock and sleep for ten years. But then I'd miss my webcomics and new That Guy With the Glasses videos and all the other funny Internet people and things that keep me from jumping out the window. I could survive without Internet but it sure makes life suck a whole lot less.

Goodnight Internet, keep filling that big truck and keep those tubes running smooth!

Monday, December 14, 2009


The pig eats it's young so why can't I?
These things form in me and then slowly die
I could spare them so much pain if I could eat them alive
I can hear them scream in pain:
"Daddy come home there is room in our bed"
They claw and they scratch the inside of my head
"Daddy come home our legs are wide,
Can you feel us move inside?"
It's all in vain

The moon cast shadows on my wall
Through my window and down the hall
I will walk through rooms
Where dead men lay
They twitch and turn
And writhe in pain
If I had a soul
I'd kneel and pray
For these stillborns to live again
No more to speak or see the light
All I need is one small bite

"Daddy come home
Daddy come home
These lonely tombs are cold
Daddy come home
Come and love us so
Come and love us so"

Nobody loves my unborn children
Nobody likes the way they lay
Nobody loves my unborn children
But I can't them throw them away

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Skymall Sci-fi

Scenes from a Sci-fi story, illustrated with products from Skymall.

The turtle girls of the swamp planet Greeon are gathered around a campfire, one is telling a story that began a long time ago in a galaxy far far away...

The evil demon Rog is torturing the Princess Mahill.
"Let me go, you brute!" She yells, "When my father hears about this he'll..."
"He'll do nothing! The weak old fool!" He cackles, "Guards, bring out the princess's special welcoming gift!"

"Oh, no, not spiders from Rygel-5!" She screams when she sees the cage.
"Oh yes," Says Rog, smiling evilly, "Soon your brain will be nothing but a gooey mass of...gooeyness!"

The king send his foot-soldiers to rescue the princess, who are naked except for shoulder pads. Because they're cool like that. And also sort of gay.
Of course they are all killed easily because they have no armor and forgot their guns back on Foren and they were too far away to turn back.

The king sends out a rag-tag team of heroes to save the princess! Here we see second mate Beth opening the bay hatch to tell the captain that his microwave hot pockets are done.

Oh no, it's robo-kitteh, the most evil creature in the universe! He is watching the team's progress on a view screen and is not pleased. He swoops down in his ship and steals the princess for himself while the evil Rog and his henchmen stand and shake their fists.

Robo-kitteh turns the princess into Robo-girl. Together they will rule the universe!

The team lands on Gor's planet and fight their way through his evil castle, only to find the princess is gone! They start breaking Gor's Hummel figurines till he tells them what happened to the princess. But suddenly they're surrounded by guards and have a laser sword fight in the evil castle's kitchen!

Back on the ship the team relaxes by playing Sim-city, using their minds! Also, the wacky comic relief character Chozo eats too many Beezo-bars and shits all over view screen in the main cabin. Oh that Chozo, what a card!

A band of high priestess of the very hairy god Blarf are intersected floating through space in a much damaged ship. They are the only survivors from their planet which Robo-kitteh blew up because Joey got canceled. He really liked that show!
The captain has sex with all the priestesses in a long and very surreal scene sort of like in the tabernacle scene in Zardoz, only with not as much hairy man-butt.

They come up on Robo-kitteh's ship and blast it while our heroes beam aboard. After a long shoot out, the captain is captured and tortured. But our heroes persevere and he is rescued. Of course!

It's Robo-kitteh and Robo-girl, shoot man shoot! The evil hair-ball hacker and his new minion are destroyed, but something isn't right. The priestess are getting weird signals from this ship...

It turns out that Robo-kitteh was only being controlled by a small machine in the center of the ship. Our heroes try to destroy it but the priestess stop them. To destroy the machine would be to disconnect all the threads that hold the universe together. It must be preserved at all costs, despite the fact that it's dangerous and evil! They take it back to their ship, set in on the kitchen table and go to bed. In the dark, it glows ominously...

Our heroes are all turned into androids will they sleep. The End!

"Hey!" Complains one small turtle girl. "That story was stupid and you should feel bad!"
All the other turtle girls agree that it is and the story teller is cast out into the wild lands that surround the friendly secluded marsh where the colony lives. Her story is a story for another day...

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,
Dude! I saw some pictures of your wife, and she's a damn fine chunk of woman! I know that you're like, a chubby chaser and everything, but are you a swinger too? I'd love to get me a piece of what you must be getting every night! Mmmm, just thinking about double teaming her is making me...gotta go, my mom needs to use the computer.
Peace bro, (hit me up sometime!)
Greg Malamarde (Age 35)

Dear Santa,
What the Hell kind of a shop are you running up there? All I asked for was a rocket launcher and for Obama to get cancer and die and what do I get? An air pistol that couldn't kill a squirrel! The fucking thing sucks! Burn in Hell you commie bastard!
Bill O' Rielly

Dear Santa (If that even is your real name, which I'm guessing it's not),
Enjoy your time on earth tricking kids into worshiping you. I hope you know that Hell is really hot and you're not going to be used to it because you live in such a cold climate. You can be saved though, just get on your knees and pray for God's forgiveness, that's it! It's that easy! Well, you also have to stop believing in evolution and instead of handing out heathen toys, start handing out tracts that are available for purchase on my website. Imagine all the souls you will save! If not, I hope Satan keeps an extra warm spot open for you!
Your friend in Jesus,
Jack Chick

Deara, Satna Claus,
You come to my house. You give me good presants. I leave you rice and Saki. You no leave reindeer poop on floor.
Much thankee you,
Asian Stereotype That Only speaks Broken English

Dear Santa Fish,
To leave a head open for you is my gift to the modern world. Someday we will all be able to fly. All we need is to spread our mayonnaise wings and soar up into the sun. No doubt they will all eat hay.
Mooky doo wop boom,
Zippy the Pinhead

Dearest Santa,
I didn't leave milk and cookies out for you this year. Instead I left blood. From my wrist. I cut it open with a shard from a My Chemical Romance CD that my older brother broke because he said I was a "fag" for listening to it. And I cried. A lot. I just want you to know that I love you and when you don't visit my house it makes me sad and when I get sad I hurt myself. So please bring me MCR's new album or I'll slit my throat. I swear I'll do it, I'm not kidding this time.
Love forever,
A creepy emo kid

Dear Santa,
Okay, all I really want is to be able to go back in time and enter the head of certain Nickelodeon executives (I think you know which ones (wink wink)). I want to convince them to let Invader Zim finish out it's second season story arc. If this is not possible then please at least let me kick one of them in the nuts for canceling Invader Zim before it could even really get started on the second season story arc. That would be great.
Your friend,
Kurdt Eastwood
PS. Oh yeah and if neither of the above options are possible, could I just have some nude photos of Kirsten Dunst? Thank you again!

Dear Santa,
Please shit in my mouth. I'll be in the bathtub all Christmas night waiting for you. Please eats lots of fast food so it's nice and runny just the way I like it. If you want to bring Mrs. Claus and some of the elves along, that would be great! The more the merrier I always say!
Love and kisses,
Rush Limbaugh

Dear Santa Fucktard,
Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls BallsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssBalls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls
Eat shit and die,
An Internet Troll
Ps. Balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls...

"In other news, Santa was found dead this morning after inquires were made as to why none of his presents were delivered. He was found in a closet in his workshop with a plastic bag over his head. Authorities have ruled it a suicide.
Coming up after the break: Chipmunks, do they really have psychic powers? One local woman claims they do. Her story is up next..."

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Jesus Wuvs Me

Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Jesus loves me when I'm good
When I do the things I should
Jesus loves me when I'm bad
But it makes God really mad
If I sin enough I know
There's a place that's down below
A lake of fire and awful pain
Because of sin that's in my veins
I must pray and bow to God
And follow the Bible's every law
No more shellfish then for me
And kill every faggot that I see
I won't even touch myself when I pee
God will be so proud of me
I already sacrificed my cat
So the neighbor's dog will soon be next
With my holy sword in hand
I will help clear out the land
The unbelievers all will die
And in the lake of fire they all will fry
Jesus loves me when I'm loved
And when I'm bathed in holy blood
Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so

Monday, December 7, 2009

Perchance to dream...

I'm opening a movie theater, who wants to come? For the grand opening I'm showing a double feature of Citizen Kane and Deepthroat. Before the movies there's going to be lots of cartoons, mostly pre-code Betty Boop and the banned Looney Tunes shorts. Maybe some weird foreign cartoons too. In between the movies there will be short films shown, mostly of the homemade variety. I'll show your movie too if you want! I'll screen anything!
It's all free too, free movies and free beer. It's a beautiful theater too, I had an old depression era theater that was going to be torn down airlifted to safety. There's a secret bootleggers room in the back! Free eighty year old moonshine for everyone!
Of course it's on my own private island and only a select few get to come, but you guys seem nice so I'll pick you up in my private jet.
What do ya say?

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Poor Eddy

The saddest thing I've ever seen
Was a 13 year old named poor Eddy
Eddy wasn't stupid
Eddy wasn't cruel
Eddy never hung out
With the cool kids at school
Eddie was happiest
Studying the bugs
And reading about lice in the rugs
And yellow garden slugs
People called him weird
When he watched wasps eat an orange rind
But Eddie didn't mind
Eddie would say
"There's just me to talk to
and that's okay.
Those guys would understand
Eddie was fine by himself
He had plenty to do
Till into his life walked Mary Sue

Mary Sue had eyes of blue
And hair of golden gold
That flowed
and rolled
Down her back
And ended at her shoes
The new girl in town
She dragged all the boys around
And got them to carry her books
Eddie's heart beat with a hammering sound
Every time she came around
And he thought he'd die every time
She gave him a look
But he wasn't popular
So she didn't care
And Eddie sank into despair
Till one day he was approached by the lady fair...

He showed up at her door with invitation in hand
As if he believed he wouldn't get in without it
So happy he could spit
In a suit his mother had picked
Cleaned and pressed
Hair combed off to the side
Dress shoes shined
And bow-tie tied
He knocked on the door with pride
Mary Sue invited him in
Dressed in a t-shirt and shorts
Her legs wonderfully thin
The party had already started
But when Eddie walked in
It was like someone had farted
All the popular kids were there
All the popular kids did stare
Till Eddie took a seat in a far off chair
And studied the carpet fuzz there...

A typical teen party
Is typically dull shit
Not much fun to be had
Till Mary Sue's parents split
And then all the kids were bad
The beer came out
From Jimmy's dad
And they all drank it down
Before the cake could even come out
They all had had one round
To try and look cool Eddie grabbed a beer
And promptly drank it down
Everyone cheered
And Eddie smiled
Even though it tasted like piss
To simply be liked
On such a night
Was simply heavenly bliss
He chugged two more beers
To more wild cheers
Suddenly Eddie couldn't see straight
And thats when they brought out the cake
His head was reeling as they handed him a plate...

Poor Eddie's plight
Started after three bites
And his stomach started to churn
His head was pounding
His arms felt light
He told everyone he was going to call it a night
But they all insisted he take one more bite
He got it chewed and down it went
But it didn't get all the way down
He put his hands up to his face
And threw up with a horrible sound
Three bottles of beer
Came up with the cake
And some hot dogs he had eaten before
But not in his lap
The vomit did land
Or even down on the floor
Most of the puke
Landed on Mary Sue
The rest landed on the cake
Before he could wonder
At his social blunder
Eddie had passed out cold
The last thing he saw
While lying on the floor
Was everyone running away

The saddest thing I've ever seen
Was a 13 year old named poor Eddy
But weep not for poor Edson
He did get to have some fun
When he met a girl named Aurora Lee
She liked lice in rugs
And big black bugs
And slugs as much as he!
But the real kicker here
Was that she didn't like beer
She said it tasted like piss
Her stomach was just as bad as his!

Notes: I do have a weak stomach and have thrown up at some pretty embarrassing moments, but never on someone's birthday cake. I'm also not big on parties where I don't know everyone really well. So I guess you could say I am Eddie, except I do like beer and haven't found a girl that would find a video like this cool:

Thanks for reading my shitty poetry!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Some Craps

I hit 300 posts yesterday without even realizing it! 300 posts of bad poetry, poorly written stories, and projects that I got tired of and never finished. Oh, and rambling brain vomit. Oh well, it's still fun.
I also found out today that even though I'm separating from the military in July, I get to start on the paperwork and briefings tomorrow! Paperwork and briefings suck but at least I can try and keep my spirits up with the thought that in eight months all this crap will be a distant memory (Military related crap, I'll hopefully be able to keep posting here!). Where am I going after these four years of bullshit and disappointment are behind me? Hopefully back to college. I was thinking of film school but I've been reading a lot of history books lately and it's mega-interesting to me. My favorite period is right at the turn of the century, late 1800s/early 1900s. If I can study enough on it, hopefully I'll be able to write a horror novel set in that time period, which would rock. A bit ago I finished The Bone Garden by Tess Gerritsen which isn't really a horror novel, but is full of really squicky medical stuff. Lets just say that if you lived back then, you really didn't want to get injured and have to go to the hospital. The remedy for most injuries was amputation and since they had no anesthetics, you pretty much just had to have people hold you down while they took part of you off, with a saw if they had to cut through bone. Most people worked in factories that had no safety laws and machines that could very easily crush or tear you into pieces if you weren't careful. Whoops you lost your arm, how is your family going to eat now? I guess your kids are going to have to go to work, there's plenty of coal mines that little five year old Johnny could get work in. The mine caved in? Oops, there goes one source of income, but at least you have one less mouth to feed. Pretty soon you'll all get whooping cough and die anyways...
What was I saying? Whatever.
I have this story idea formulated from the songs I posted yesterday, but I'm going to let you guys try and figure it out. (Here's a hint, it involves love, sex, and death, but maybe not in that order.) I may try and make stories out of you guy's ideas too if they're interesting enough!
Ug, I have two whole weeks of twelve hour work shifts go get through and I'm already tired as all Hell. It's only been two days and I already miss the sun. My daydreams lately have involved a large island that has spooky jungle on it, full of creepy animals and alters of sacrifice scattered all over the place. I've been living off of crabs, fish, and coconuts there and the girl that was stranded with me is already dead after going insane and trying to swim out to an imaginary boat off on the horizon. Maybe she'll come back. I miss having someone to talk to. Oh well, more food and zombie killing for me!
I will end this rambling with a video that I'd like to dedicate to my favorite comic artist, Ricky Garduno:

Have a good times everypeoples, next time for make fun with more wordings in the heezy yo!

Monday, November 30, 2009

Mix Tape Game #1

I got exactly zero hours of sleep last night but I still want to get in the habit of posting something every night again, so here's something quick that you can play along with! It's a scavenger hunt Youtube mixtape game!

How to play:
1. Find the following ten songs on Youtube.
2. Listen to all of the songs.
3. Give your thoughts on how you feel about them song by song, and if they fit together well as a whole. Also give any images the songs conjure up in your head. Do they form a coherent story?
4. Post up your own list of ten songs on your own blog.

Easy right? Here's tonights song list:
1. Chris Issak - Wicked Game
2. Roy Orbison - Life Fades Away
3. Pearl Jam - Better man
4. Talking Heads - Heaven
5. Garbage - #1 Crush
6. The Sex Pistols (Sid Vicious) - My Way
7. ?- Night Court Theme Song
8. Pixies - Tame
9. Blind Lemon Jefferson - Black Snake Moan
10. Leonard Cohen - Closing Time

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Two Songs About Weird Fetishes

Note: I don't actually practice any sick fetishes but they do fascinate and repulse me in equal amounts.

You're attracted to me
And I'm attracted to you
But if we have sex
Here's what we have to do
I'll throw up on you
And then you throw up on me
Oh I've been down the road
Of piss and shit before
It does nothing for me
when it hits my face
But when your love comes streaming down
From your mouth while I'm laying down
The sight and smells just blow me away
So baby gorge yourself all day
And then lean over tonight
And throw up on my face
La la la
La la la
Please throw up on my face

Oh I love the smell of plaster
And the stench of your skin
When your arm has been broken
And you couldn't wash it
For a whole month
And I can only love you
If you've got a broken bone
So I guess this is goodbye for now
But you really don't have to go
Just wear this head cast when we fuck
And maybe this leg one too
Oh and maybe just once you could wear
The full body cast when we screw
Hey babe where are you going?
It's not that big of a thing
There's nothing wrong thinking it's hot
When your arm is in a sling

I just thought of something. I wonder if there's Emetophiliacs that are also cast fetishists? That would be pretty sick wouldn't it? "Here honey, just put on this head cast and let me puke on your face!"

Speedy the Clown

Speedy's show is on early in the morning on Saturdays. All the cool kids age two to six get up and sit in front of the TV in their feety pajamas, eating their cereal, most likely a box with Speedy's painted clown face on it. They watched, entranced, as the show opens with a curtain and a slowly building organ chord. Then Speedy tumbles out and the organ goes into super goofy mode. He dances around and sings the show's theme song. The kids laugh and sing along, some of them quieter because they'll wake their parents up. Some of their parents aren't home, so they don't care.
One by one the other characters come out and sing a verse. There's Stinky Bill, who is usually the butt of Speedy's mean jokes and pranks. He's a dirty hobo that speaks with a stutter and a lisp that makes the kids laugh. Except for the kids that actually have stutters and lisps. They feel bad for Bill when he get squirted in the face with water or kicked down a flight of stairs. But there's other characters to laugh at. There's Fat Marie who usually comes on during Speedy's cooking segments and eats all of the ingredients before Speedy can make anything. Speedy usually solves this by putting hot sauce in some of the food, or a mouse trap, when he's feeling really mean.
Woody the puppet is next, singing about poop and pee, and then pooping and peeing everywhere. That's his schtick, and the kids all think it's funny when he hits Speedy in the face with a stream of urine. Sometimes he'll show up during the cooking segments and poop in the food. Usually this is then served to Bill, who eats it while the kids in the audience go into hysterics.
Finally, the last main character is Principal Uptight, who tries to make the kids sit down and behave, and usually ends up getting the worst of Speedy's pranks. In the opening Speedy hits him with a two by four in the back of the head and he falls face first into a pile of Woody's poop. Then the song ends and the show starts. Today's special guest is John Hinckley Jr., on loan from the St. Elizabeth's Hospital in Washington, D.C. A Jodie Foster look-a-like hits him in the face with pies...
During the first commercial break a PSA is run that tells the kids to not talk to strangers. Ominous music plays and pictures of several missing kids are shown. One of these kids is a little blonde girl named Robyn Lynne, who vanished from a taping of The Speedy the Clown show a few months ago. They think she may have taken a ride home from someone that wasn't her parents, after the show was over...
After an hour of pies and tricks involving squirting water and firecrackers, and smacks to the head with two by fours, the show is over. Speedy and the cast sing their usual goodbye song and wave as the screen fades to black. The kids in the audience go home, and helpful policemen check wrist bands to make sure they're all going home with the right people.
Speedy doesn't say goodbye to any of the other cast members. He simply walks out of the studio, gets in his car, and drives home. The other cast members will meet in a dive bar down the street later that night and get hammered and complain about Speedy and their low pay. Bill has a noose specially set up in his closet that he'll stare at when he gets home. Marie will drink lots of red wine that she knows will upset her stomach so she doesn't have to put her finger down her throat.
John, Woody's puppeteer, will spend most of his week till the next show taping, drawing pictures of Speedy having violent sex with the rest of the cast. He has these in a large folder, which he doesn't' show to anyone else. When they come over sometimes to drink and bask in each other's meager company, he locks these up. He's a nice guy and he feels guilty about making those pictures but theres an evil side that comes out when he's alone with nothing to do. He usually masturbates to these pictures while weeping profusely.
Robert Paulson, who plays Principal Uptight, has a wife and kids that he can go home to and yell at and beat up without fear of reprimand or a pie in the face. His battered wife is just about at the end of her rope and the network may have to write his character out of the show soon...
And what of Speedy? He of the large paycheck and nice house? Speedy doesn't take his make-up off when he gets to his large empty house. He doesn't change his clothes either. When he gets home he heads right to the basement, a converted wine cellar. There's a little blonde haired girl down there that he has chained to the wall. After giving her some wine they'll have fun and Speedy will think up gags for the next week's show, acting them out on her. Of course, he likes to throw a few things in that would never make it on TV, but these are the most fun things he can think of to do....
Speedy's show is number one in the ratings for Saturday mornings. All the kids love it and watch it religiously and whine and cry till their parents buy all the Speedy merchandise. Someday the truth about the show will come to light and the whole thing will implode...

Some cheery music to play you out:

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Estonian Animation

Yes, other countries besides Japan and America make cartoons...

Bonus: Russian Winnie the Pooh! (Vinni Puh)

I think this stuff is incredible. If you guys are interested I'll post some more up.

Baby Blue, it's all over for you too

It wasn't long ago
When you had the world at your fingertips
Now all you can see
Are these factory walls
You're on top of a sinking ship
And oh ho ho
Is there nothing you can do?
Because Baby Blue
It's all over for you too

It wasn't long ago
When the sun shone down upon your head
Now the clouds have come to play
And all you can see
Is that your guardian angels
Are all dead
And oh ho ho
What do you expect me to do?
Because Baby Blue
It's all over for you too

I can't say that I'm sad
Because your success just made me mad
Why'd you have to rub it in my face?
But now you're down below
Where all the losers go
And theres no one to buy you a beer
In the whole damn place

It wasn't long ago
That you stamped the world underneath your feet
But now all that you can do
Is lie in your bed and stew
And mope until they put out in the street
And where will you go when they do?
Because Baby Blue
It's all over for you too

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Into the White

Theres nothing here. There's nothing fucking here! I can't...I...I dug all goddamn day. My hands are covered in blisters and sores, my back is screaming in pain, and the sunburn on my face is pure agony. And for what? There was nothing. No-thing at fucking all. I'm...I'm done for. I have no money left, no way to get back to the main road unless I cross the desert again, which I have no energy for, and the food I back-packed in is only going to last me a couple weeks. I knew getting into this that if I failed I'd be up shit creek without a paddle, but I was so sure it was here. I was so fucking sure....

Is that what they told you?
What who told me?
The aliens that abducted you.
They didn't "abduct me" I went willingly. And I'm not so sure they were aliens at all.
Well then what were they? They looked like aliens right? The large black eyes, skinny with gray skin, the whole bit...
I think they looked like that because that's what I thought they'd look like.
Jesus, you're fucking insane.
See, thats why I didn't tell you the whole story. I'm not telling anybody the whole thing because they'd think I was nuts. They already do.
Shit man, I'm sorry, let me buy you another beer...

I tried another spot today, thinking maybe I had miscalculated or made some huge error. I chose the exact opposite side of the shack and dug for as long as my strength would hold out. All I found was a dead dog skeleton. I buried the rest of it, but kept the head. As I write this by flickering lamplight, lying on this filthy mattress, I can see it watching me from the table in the middle of the room, even though it's too dark to see it's eye sockets. I'll try talking to it tomorrow, tell it I'm sorry for digging it up, that it was an accident. I'm going to need all the friends I can get out here...

I remember being asleep the first time. I was asleep and dreaming about this girl that sat in front of me in math class, the one with the pretty eyes. I was taking her clothes off when suddenly everything faded away and I woke up to a blinding white light. I was floating in some sort of fluid and there were other things moving around me but they were hard to see even when they brushed up against me. It felt like I was being watched and it scared me. That was the first time. I woke up on the lawn that morning. Mom said I had sleepwalked there, I knew better....

I can't do it anymore. I can't fucking do it. I've dug up around this whole fucking place. I've even torn up the floor of the shack and there's nothing. You can't even know how that feels, to hold that emptiness in your hands, when you were promised, when you fucking knew, that salvation would be given to you. It was supposed to be so easy. They lied to me, the bastards lied to me. I'm so weak that I can't even move from the floor. I finished the last of the bread and water yesterday. That fucking skull is laughing at me, but I'm too weak to stop it. Even if I could get up and smash it, what if the laughter didn't stop? What if it's not coming from whatever soul haunts this place? What if it's coming from inside my own head?

The third time they appeared in the clich├ęd alien forms. I was sixteen and had snuck out of the house to go to a beer party. I was running through the woods, trying to make my way to County Road 86 when they just appeared, long skinny gray beings encased in bright white light. They took me up in what I assume was their ship. They might have used some sort of mental telepathy. I don't remember metal or anything tangible, I just remember floating. Floating past the moon, past Pluto and Charon, past the edge of our solar system. I saw planets and stars that scientists had only glimpsed through telescopes, I saw them from far away, I hovered over dead planet surfaces, I felt the horrible heat from their suns. I drifted past the end of the galaxy and saw things that I can't describe. I saw creatures living on planets, beings so far out of our realm of comprehension that I my mind couldn't make sense of what it was seeing. But I knew they lived, I could feel life pulsating all around me. A million waves of energy poured into my soul, lifting me into the heavenly paradise of the eternal void....

Why did they lie to me? The dog skull has no answers, he's shut up for a change. Why did they lie? They told me...they told me it was here...

The other inmates in this place don't like me. Thats good, I don't like them. I'm not like them, I'm not insane. I'm not going to cut my wrists or run into a church and smack a priest in the head with a two by four. I'm not dangerous. It's just that everyone thinks I am. I suppose thats what you get for almost killing yourself out in the desert and then trying to break into a government facility after you're rescued. I suppose I shouldn't have killed those guards. But they don't matter. Their souls will be recycled and they'll be re-born on some other plane of existence. The only problem is that they won't remember any of their past lives. If I could have found what they told me I needed to look for, I could have traveled all across time and existence, switching realities at will. But now I'm stuck here, left to rot. And no one will play Checkers with me...

Monday, November 23, 2009

A Short Guide to The Pixies

I was originally going to do this awhile ago, but I didn't think anyone would be interested. Spumkin asked me yesterday on Twitter what Pixies albums I would recommend so I decided to do a short guide to their short discography. (I'm not going to talk too much about whats on these since you need to discover it for yourself, I'll just give some general thoughts.)

First off, to decide if you like The Pixies or not please watch this music video:

The Pixies are a band that you'll either love till you die or hate with all your being, I don't think there's much in between. Debaser is their essence boiled into one song and a pretty good litmus test for new fans. If that song grabbed you, then you're officially hooked. If it didn't then I'm sorry. No, I'm really sorry that you can't enjoy The Pixies. Have fun listening to your Bon Jovi albums. As for the rest of us...

Come on Pilgrim

Despite being their first official recording, this isn't a very good place to start. Most bands first albums are a bit shaky and Frank Black and Co. are no exception. That's not to say that it's not a good album (actually a short sample of an early demo tape) in fact it's incredible in it's own way, but there's other stuff you should listen to first. Like...

Surfer Rosa (1998)

This is where it's at ladies and gentlemen. This album changed my life. It's partially responsible for the being that types before you. It rocked my world the first time I heard it and it continues to do so now. This is the one that you should get first, this brilliant messy awesome piece of awesomeness. It's the band at their most energetic, Frank Black at his most weird lyrically, and Kim Deal even gets to write and sing a song, which would happen less and less as time went on. I listened to this for years, afraid to get the next album because I was afraid it would never be as good. Was it?

Doolittle (1989)

Yes. It might even be better than Surfer Rosa, I really can't decide between the two, it's like picking between my children. It's still fucking essential. It's a bit poppier and slicker than Rosa but there's so many good songs on it that doesn't fucking matter. I love every song on here but it's insane how many standouts there are, how many defining songs they recorded on this one album. Most bands only get in one or two per album, Doolittle has six! So should you stop here?

Bossanova (1990)

No. Bossanova may be The Pixies worst album, but that in no way means it's bad, in fact it still has some of their best songs on it. I can't really understand why fans hate it so much. I think maybe it's because it's so different, instead of the maniac energy of their early albums, this has more of a laid back surfer rock feel. Plus Kim Deal isn't present on as much of it, which is a huge bummer. (For more Kim Deal please check out her side band The Breeders.)

Trompe Le Monde (1991)

Bastards got their energy back didn't they? And Frank Black's obsession with aliens and space comes full force. And Kim is pushed even further into the background. And then the band breaks up. It's a Hell of a last album though. Most bands would just throw out a half ass piece of crap at this point, but The Pixies gave it their all till the end. So that's it right? Sorta.

Complete 'B' Sides (2001)

Yeah, you need this. You know you do. Even Pixies throwaway tracks are worth filling your ear-holes with.

At the BBC (1998)

This is the only Pixies album I have that I'm not too big on. It's not bad, it's just the only one that's inessential, consisting mostly of lackluster live tracks of their better studio stuff. It's too bad too because the band was killer live usually. There are some stand out tracks, however. It's almost worth a buy to hear the band rip The Beatles Honey Pie to fucking shreds and to get the best version of their cover of the lady in the radiator song from Eraserhead.

So there you have it. Skip all the compilations and just get the albums, man! Revel in the beauty and ugliness, the weirdness, the brief lovely mess that was The Pixies.

Sunday, November 22, 2009


I made the front page of Dumm Comics!:

These guys are my heroes and when I saw my picture up on the news page this morning I almost jumped out of my chair!
Thanks for being so cool you guys!

I promise to get some writing up soon, there'll be some movie reviews on Crud Load of Movies and some experimental story stuff I've been working on.
After my cyclical down period I feel renewed and ready to write again! So check back soon!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Favorite Animal House Quotes

Another random post.

Dean Wormer: "Greg, what is the worst fraternity on this campus?"
Greg: "Well that would be hard to say, sir. They're each outstanding in their own way.
Dean Wormer: Cut the horseshit, son. I've got their disciplinary files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode."
Greg: "You're talking about Delta, sir."
Dean Wormer: "Of course I'm talking about Delta, you TWERP!"

Flounder walks up to a bunch of guys playing cards: "You guys playing cards?"

Bluto, after spitting mashed potatoes from his mouth: "I'm a zit, get it?"

Bluto: "They took the bar! The whole fucking bar!"

Dean Wormer: "The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me."

Stork: "Well, what the hell we supposed to do, ya moron?"

Hoover: "Will you tell those assholes to shut up?"
Boon: "Hey! Shut up you assholes!"

Bluto: "Grab a brew, it don't cost nothin'"

Bluto, after smashing a dorky singer's guitar on the wall: "Sorry."

Dean Wormer: "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

Bluto: "Holy shit!"
D-Day: "I thought there were blanks in that gun!"
Flounder: "I didn't even point the gun at him!"
Bluto: "Holy shit!"
[D-Day checks the gun]
D-Day: "There WERE blanks in that gun!"
Flounder: "Maybe he had a heart attack."
Bluto: "HOLY SHIT!"

And last but not least, my favorite bit of AH dialog:
Jennings: "Teaching is just a way to pay the bills until I finish my novel."
Boon: "How long you been workin' on it?"
Jennings: "Four and a half years."
Pinto: "It must be very good."
Jennings: "It's a piece of shit. Would anyone like to smoke some pot?"

Dumm Fan Fiction

Apologies to all the Dumm Artists, past and present.

Skadi squinted her eyes against the falling darkness and looked down the sloping plain. She had walked all day but the mountains far off in the distance never seemed to get nearer, the blasted empty plain she had been trekking on seemed endless. Plus she hadn't seen any animals to eat for days. Her stomach grumbled and she looked down at her squat gray traveling companion. She had thought about eating him before when no other beasts could be found for consumption, but she had already crossed Bushbeasts off her list long ago and he was good to use as a shield in a pinch. She shivered and crossed her arms across her chest. Darn old blasted plain was cold! She looked down at Diseasoid again. His fur looked mighty warm...
He looked up at her questioningly and she sighed. He wouldn't be a very good slave without any skin, she reasoned. Without a word she started walking again towards the mountains and her disease ridden companion followed at her heels...
She didn't realize he was gone till she came upon an odd looking leafless plant. Sitting on one of it's woody branches was a fuzzy little worm. Skadi licked her lips and her stomach growled. Another one to cross of her list! When she tried to grab it, however, it snarled and snapped at her fingers. Hmmm, that wasn't good. She'd have to stab it with something first. She put her arm behind her and motioned for her slave to hand over something stabby from the pile of sharp stabby things he carried. When nothing was forthcoming she turned around confused. All that she could see was the dark blasted plain stretched out beneath the moonlit night.
Anger rose up in her. How dare he run off? When she found where he ran off to, he would pay! Oh how he would pay! Nobody escaped from Skadi, nobody! She stomped off the way they had come....
Skadi opened her eyes to a roaring fire and a strange creature seated in front of it. Diseasoid was there too, roasting a sausage. She sat up in anger, ready to pummel him but the pain in her head made her calm down. She had missed seeing the hole in hole in the ground too late. Stupid rookie wanderers mistake. She crawled over to the fire, sat cross legged, and looked at the strange creature. Diseaseoid offered her a sausage and she stuffed it into her mouth hungrily.
The creature did not speak, but appeared to be in some sort of meditative state. He was a black dog-like thing wearing rather beat up looking robes. Skadi scrabbled around in the darkness outside the fire till she found her weapons bundle and pulled out a pointy stick. With her tongue set firmly in the corner of her mouth, she set about reaching over the fire to poke the thing....
It must be a deep state of meditation, she thought as she poked several holes in it's head, watching as the blood flowed down it's face. Maybe it was talking to it's gods? Frustrated she lifted the stick up and give the creature a mighty smash on the top of the head.
"Garduno cormican rice swarr!" It screamed as it woke up. It looked around the underground cave in surprise.
"Whats dis?" It said, puzzled. "I has veesitors!" It looked at Diseasoid. "And one of dem is eating my sooply of sausages!"
Angrily it leaped over the fire with teeth bared to attack the harbinger of all disease and filth. Skadi watched as it fruitlessly chewed on Diseasoid's head, who merely shrugged in confusion.
Suddenly it stopped and fell off, lying on the ground in a heap. It's breath came in wheezing gasps and multicolored spots appeared all over it's body.
"That was stupid. You know you're going to die now right?" Said Skadi, not moving from where she sat.
"Can I at leest see yer boobs?" It wheezed.
"Mention my boobs again strange creature of strangeness, and you'll find yourself fueling this fire." She looked at it confused. "Where'd you get the wood for this anyways?"
The thing turned on it's side and vomited. "Dat's not important now. What's important is dat you heer my story. It ess a long sad tale, full of misery and woe and..."
"Boring!" Skadi interrupted, taking another bite of sausage.
The thing wheezed. "I once had money and riches! I once had a nice house in de suburbs and a bootiful wife! I once had..."
As he spoke his voice took on a hypnotic tone and Skadi found herself transported to a strange new land...
The translation of the spell book was almost complete which was a good thing since it was almost three in the morning. Kimbo had to go to work in three hours. He'd most assuredly be fired after dropping some old ladies expensive lamp but he hated being a furniture mover anyways. One last word, but it was a doozy. Corrozahorvathgemmill? What the Hell did that mean? It was frustrating because with just one more word the portal to an alternate dimension would open! Two worlds would be linked! He'd be hailed as supreme smart guy and given lots of medals and awards and fancy pants. He looked down at his own pants. They were so not fancy that it made him sad. He refocused on the word and the translation key. So close...
A knock came from the lab door and it opened a crack. A voice spoke.
"Kimbo, honey? Come back to bed. I don't want you to get fired again. Remember last time when they shut the power off and all the food in the fridge went bad and we had to resort to making our own booze out of wallpaper glue and selling it to that smelly sailor drunk that lived down by the docks?"
Ah Vespula. He loved her more than anything. Well, almost anything. He ignored her and eventually she stopped talking and went away.
"Dats how you solve problems!" He said to himself and refocused on the spell book.
One word, one stupid little word....
With a blinding flash in his head, he had it. It was all so simple now. He chuckled, then laughed, then broke out into a loud evil cackle as he yelled the mystery word out loud...
Skadi snapped out of her trance and looked down at the dog-thing who's hood had fallen off, revealing it's weird looking ears.
"The portal opened up and I came to dis land to find nothin' but pain and misery. I've been chased and almost eatin' by so many things but I survived. And now you come heer wif your little gray friend and ya find a way ta off me! It's not fair I tells ya! Oh Vespula honey, I is coming to meet ya in dat big dinner theater show in da sky. Oh sweet death I open my..." WHAM!
Skadi's club came down hard on his head, crushing it and scattering brain and maggots all over the floor.
She looked down at the thing. Well this part of the adventure had been pointless. She couldn't eat this thing because it was diseased as well as boring. She looked at Diseasoid.
"Give me sausages!" She barked.
"Awl grown." He shrugged in reply.
Skadi frowned. She had to check another creature off her list, she just had to. Suddenly a squeaking from the corner caught her ear...
The two mice were quite tasty and they cooked up well. Funny how they were wearing little clothes though. One of them had a little dress on and the other had on some sort of strange pants. It wasn't as weird as that raccoon with the frog suit she had eaten last month though...

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

More Late Night Ramblings

When the man in the windowless black van pulls up to you and offers you candy, are you going to take it?
Well, that depends on what kind of candy it is. Some Sour Patch Kids or some Airheads? Fuck yeah! But not Elephant Peanuts or Bit o Honey. Getting raped is not worth stale Elephant Peanuts.
Say Elephant Peanuts ten times fast. That about describes that terrible excuse for candy. Who eats that shit anyways? I never got it for Halloween but I always saw it sitting on the two for a dollar candy shelf at the gas station along with these terrible lozenges and candy necklaces. I never saw the point of candy necklaces. Maybe it was because I'm of the male gender and wearing jewelry in grade school would get you beaten up, even if it was made of candy. Actually I think the bullies would beat you up and then take your shitty edible jewelry. The only thing they were good for was putting one "bead" between your teeth and then flinging it at someone. Then you'd get beat up for being stupid and flinging candy at people. Candy necklaces were just a bad idea all around.
One cheap candy I actually used to like were these tiny wax soda bottles. They had some weird liquid inside and it was fun to chew them up or see how many you could fit in your mouth at once. They didn't last very long though.
Why am I talking about candy? I have no idea. This is pretty much coming straight from my head.

I think when I'm over tired, ideas flow better. I get images in my head that don't come when I'm fully awake and mostly sane. Maybe it's because I'm poking at the wall of sleep and not actually entering it that I can pull from it's twisted reality. If I didn't have a job I would stay up late every night and write till I passed out.
If I didn't have a job I would travel all over and see lots of concerts and art museums and meet all my heroes and invite them all over for a big party.
I don't know where I'd get the money for all this. I suppose I should start kissing up to rich old ladies that look like they're about to keel over and then they'll leave me all their money and huge mansions in their wills. A mansion party would be the best. Spoons in the great hall, epic games of sardines all through the house. A rock concert in the ball room. If Shane wasn't too drunk I'd get The Pouges. Of course then I'd have to get lots of beer. Nevermind, I'd have lots of beer anyways. Vodka pong in the game room!
I think I'd build my own mansion like the one in Luigi's Mansion, with the exact same floor plan and room designs. That fucking place has everything!

So I was thinking about this story right? About this guy that cuts his finger opening a can of beans. And he gets blood inside the can and the beans come to life as little vampire beans. They try to bite him but he just shrugs and dumps the can onto a skillet and cooks them while they scream in pain. Then the man lies down to go to sleep and farts.
Thats the whole story. Pretty good eh? Whats the moral though? "Vampire beans are tasty but they give you gas" I guess.
How about a lady that's watching Maury and gets sucked into the TV. Suddenly she's sitting on the stage and Maury says "The tests proved that Hank is the baby's father."
And she looks over and there's this nasty pile of dripping vomit with fangs sitting next to her in the chair. She starts to cry,
Maury says "What's wrong?"
And she replies "I'm just so glad that my baby isn't a dirty Jew!"
I'm sorry that was terrible. I'm not a racist but I thought the shock ending would be good....fuck it, whatevers. It's almost two in the morning.
I'll leave you with some Buck Owens.
What? Whats wrong with Buck? You start bad mouthing Mr. Owens and you and me are going to have to step outside. And it's cold out there. And I'm not wearing pants. So just listen to the man sing his song okay?

Monday, November 16, 2009

It's 4 am, please God let me sleep!

Oh wait, I forgot, there is no God. Jokes on me I guess.
When I can't sleep I toss and turn till it's agony trying to force myself to sleep. Then I get up and browse the Internet or write what ever crazy half formed thoughts are in my head. Sort of like now.
I haven't had a spell of insomnia for awhile now, I'm hoping this isn't the start of a persistent problem again. If you've never had insomnia, then you have no idea how bad it sucks, especially when you have to be for work at six in the morning. Like I have to be in two hours and I haven't slept all night.

I did get this cool image in my head out of no where though. It's of these kids tramping around a field on a moonlit night. They're all wearing cheap Halloween costumes. There's a girl who's a witch, a boy with a cheap skeleton mask, and another boy that's a devil. I guess my brain is just ripping of Tim Burton now.
I can't quite figure out where they're going, the field is by a woods but I don't know if they go in or not. They're doing this weird dance and singing. Maybe they're not children at all? Maybe they're spirits of the night come to steal away some poor village woman's baby while in the guise of children in dime store masks. Maybe they're just kids that snuck out on Halloween night. Either way, I don't know if I want to be around when they find what they're looking for...

Ack! Bed, bed bed bed. I'm so tired, why can't I sleep? Work is going to be so miserable! I guess I should stop writing and try to sleep again eh? Yes, that is what I shall do. Maybe I'll dream about the children of the night, dancing around some poor farmer's field in the cold glow of the moon. They're my children even though their birth was involuntary. I hope the little bastards don't decide my soul will make a tasty snack. As a father, soul eating is something I much frown upon. Damn those woods are spooky. I just got a good look at them. No one in their right mind would go under those trees at night. Stay away my children! Your doom awaits!

Clunk! (That was the sound of me falling unconscious on the floor. How am I still typing? I'm typing with my mind, ooooh, spooky!)

Music Monday

Sorry for not posting much lately. Stuff is happening, but sort of behind the scenes. Diana sent me some rough sketches for the illustrations in my kid's book and they already look awesome. I'm really excited about it!

Today I will give you some of the music I've been perusing on the Youtubes.

This might be the most awesome thing ever. It's got to be in the running:

I had no idea Alan Jackson's version of this song was a cover. I actually prefer this original version, but then I'm a huge Roger Miller fan:

Props to TVtropes for informing me that The Pussycat Dolls massively annoying song is actually a cover of an even shittier one, which actually rips off this Sir Mix-a-Lot jam!

Oh and here's another original that, to me, is actually miles better than the more famous cover. Ednaswap's Torn has a grungy quality that got completely torn out of the Natalie Imbruglia hit version. Watch it synced up to NI's video and see if you don't agree with me. (More mad props to TVtropes again for this bit of musical trivia!)

No comment really, I just freaking love this song! It's the one that George gets stuck in his head on Seinfeld.

And finally, if you haven't experienced the insane (literally) genius of Wesley Willis you can't honestly say that you're into outsider music. Start here and then head to Youtube to hear more:

Have a good day on Earth, fellow humans!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

New Post (?)

I've been going through one of my unproductive/tired/uninspired periods. I don't know if other artists and writers go through it but it sucks and I hate it. One day you have all these ideas and energy and then the next there's nothing, the well is just dry.

Here's some random shit from my brain just so I can write and post something and make my free time seem like not a total waste.

When I was a kid most of my clothes were hand-me-downs from my cousins and I wore my jeans till they fell apart. Having holes in them wasn't cool because it meant you were poor and couldn't afford jeans that didn't look like shit.
So flash forward several years and find me with my mind boggled at the idea of buying expensive pre-ripped jeans in actual stores. I was told it was the cool thing to do. I pointed out that you could get much cheaper real ripped jeans at Goodwill and was told that it wasn't cool if the rips were real. I didn't get it then, I still don't get it now. Why would you pay lots of money to look poor?

Subnormality had it's 500th strip posted today and it's possibly the best one yet:
Rowntree seriously needs to make a huge book of his work. He's got a pretty good size fan base now and those puppies would sell out faster than Paris Hilton's snatch at a back alley auction. I know I'd get one for me and a few other people that I think would deserve it. (A Subnormality book, not Paris's snatch...)

I was trying to think today of what freaked me out the most TV/movie-wise when I was a kid. First and foremost was the fucking orange from Sesame Street:

The orange inhabits it's own surreal world where it's created by outside forces all so it can sing opera. What happens after the clip is over? Does it get taken back apart now that it's purpose is spent? Man, what a cruel statement about the futility of man's existence. I hate you orange. I hate you for all the nightmares you gave me as a kid. I hate the fact that you're still creepy after all these years, your unnatural claymation movements and videogame sounds suggesting an entire world of creepy shit just like you that exists in a parallel dimension. And most of all I hate that you're more disturbing than any story I could write or movie I could make. I hope they ate you after the recording was finished. I hope they peeled your skin back and ate your flesh. I hope they cracked your nut open and ate the insides out of your nose. I hope you're burning in a fiery Hell where people eat you everyday but somehow you're still alive, singing Carmen while you get devoured over and over for all eternity. Fuck you orange, fuck you hard.

The Nostalgia Critic also reminded me of a movie called We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story where the villain gets devoured at the end by a flock of crows. I had shoved that particular memory back into some far flung closet of my brain but now it's back to give me nightmares again:

Jesus, what kind of an ending to a kid's movie is that? No wonder I'm so messed up in the head.
Shit like that would never fly today. I'm kind of on the fence if that's a good thing or not...

There should be some Cinema Sewer up this weekend, I've got some movies that look wonderfully bad that I can't wait to get into once I get some free time and I'm not so damn tired. Specifically two movies that feature a woman with insanely large breasts that plays a secret agent. The picture on the inside of the DVD case is so insane I can't stop staring at it...

Monday, November 9, 2009

Song for Madison Stone

Oh Madison Stone
Why did you go?
You've got me in a trance
I think that you should know
You've been in my dirty dreams
Ever since I was thirteen
Oh Madison Stone
Why did you go?
You've still got me in a trance
I think that you should know

The first time I saw you
You were dancing with a blonde
Then you both sat down
And took off your clothes
And then you got it on
I'll never forget the sound of your voice
Or the ring in your tongue
Forbidden scenes
Coming off the screen
I felt like I was drunk

Oh Madison Stone
Why did you go?
You've got me in a trance
I think that you should know
You've been in my dirty dreams
Ever since I was thirteen
Oh Madison Stone
Why did you go?
You've still got me in a trance
I think that you should know

Did you get tired of the adult film life
And getting it from behind?
Or did you just want something more
And a much more stable life?
Or did you just tire of the acting life
After Evil Toons?
I just gotta say
You blew me away
Whenever you walked in the room

Oh Madison Stone
Why did you go?
You've got me in a trance
I think that you should know
You've been in my dirty dreams
Ever since I was thirteen
Oh Madison Stone
Why did you go?
You've still got me in a trance
I think that you should know

You've still got me in a trance
I think that you should know...

Madison Stone retired from the Adult Film Business in 1998 and now runs a tattoo parlor in Toluca Woods, California. She's the only porn star I've ever been obsessed with since she seems to be the only one that has an ounce of personality and one of the few to actually appear in mainstream movies. Well, as mainstream as you can get with a movie called Evil Toons (but it did star John Carradine!). She also had a small role in the 90s disaster epic Daylight that starred Sly Stallone, which I plan on renting soon. Oh and the front of the neck Madison Piercing is named after her. Pretty good for a woman who starred in a movie called Total Reball. Visit her at

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Book Updates

I started putting this thing together today, taking into consideration Justin's suggestions on what should go in. I took quite a few out, however, that were made just to be silly and I don't think would be good to publish. Tomorrow I've got to finish up some of the stories that have hanging endings and write a few new pieces.

In case you're curious, here's the cover picture, drawn by the great Nico Colaleo! Please visit his blog at

The title is going to be A Smell of Whiskey, A Swallow of Blood.

The book is split up into poems and a writings sections, I still need two pictures to grace the openings for those if anyone is interested. You'll get 20 bucks a picture!