You really don't get the same class of pathetic movie monsters nowadays that you used to get in the 50s and 60s. Here are my picks for the most jaw droppingly terrible half-ass creations.
5. Phantom Planet (1961) - The Solarites
Phantom Planet is a pretty standard sci-fi cheapie, one of about a billion that graced drive-in theaters through out the 1950s. Coming in at the tail-end of the sci-fi boom, the story of an astronaut who lands on a meteorite and shrinks (for some reason) and meets a tiny race of people, doesn't have much to offer other than a few unintentional laughs. Most of those come at the expense of the movies villains, the dog-faced Solarites. The things look like sad puppies rather than the fearsome monsters they were supposed to be.
On a nerdy note, The Solarites are played by Richard Kiel who would go on to bad movie infamy as the cave man Eegah in the movie of the same name. Oh and he also played Jaws in Moonraker and Adam Sandler's boss in Happy Gilmore. ("And you can count, on me, waiting for you in the parking lot!")
4. Teenagers from Outer Space (1959) - The Gargons
TfOS is one of my very favorite crappy movies. Despite the fact that it's bone headed and cheap in every way possible, it manages to generate an odd innocent charm. An alien named Derek (seriously) comes to earth with several other not-teenagers bent on finding a reliable place for their Gargon herds, their main food source, to grow. The Gargons are lobsters. Not lobsters covered with anything to disguise the fact that they're lobsters. They're just lobsters in cages. The best part, however, is when one gets out and it's lobstery shadow stalks our heroes. It's special effects failure at it's best and one reason why I love TfOS so much.
3. El Sonido de la muerte (Sound of Horror) (1964)- Invisible Dinosaur
You probably haven't heard of this one since it's undeservedly obscure. A group of people are trapped in a house after an artifact expedition into the neighboring mountains lets a monster loose! Oooh, scary! However we never actually get to see the monster since it's invisible! It might seem like a novel idea for a movie since you can't see the crappy cardboard creature that these movies usually present and you have to use your imagination, but the movie is so laughably stupid and cheap that it screams desperation on the part of the film makers when they realized they had no money for a decent looking monster. Oh yeah, they eventually kill the monster by setting it on fire and it's revealed to be...a stupid looking cardboard dinosaur. Go figure!
2. The Creeping Terror (1964) - Space Slug
So whats more laughable than an invisible dinosaur? How about a giant space slug made out of rotted carpet and old blankets that moves slower than a stoned snail that still manages to eat stupid teenagers? Creeping Terror is a legendarily bad movie that really has to be seen to be believed. On top of the stupid looking monster there's the ever present narration that had to be used since most of the original audio tracks were dumped in a lake and some of the worst white people dancing ever put on film. The monster is really just the topping on the cake for this one, the whole thing is hilariously terrible.
1. Godmonster of Indian Flats (1973) - The Godmonster
Surprisingly, the worst monster ever put on film isn't from the 50s or 60s. The stupidest looking most illogical hunk of rotted carpet ever to menace a small western town is the Godmonster, from a mid 70s film so bad that it couldn't find a distributer and rotted away in obscurity till it was put on DVD by the Schlock mavens at Something Weird Video. It's pretty amazing to think about a movie so bad that the 70s drive-in distributors would't touch it considering all the awful crap that got put on those giants screens for horny teens to make out in front of but it really is that terrible. The Godmonster is a killer sheep that looks like a retarded muppet made out of rotted trash pile carpet. He lumbers around scaring kids and eating their hot dogs, dances with a hippie chick, and eventually knocks over a fuel pump at a gas station causing it to blow up. Then he's captured and...I'm not really sure what happens as the ending is so bat-shit insane that it's hard to tell. But most of the movie doesn't even concern the stupid looking thing. Most of the movie is about a racist sheriff that's trying to frame a black business man for murder. Seriously. Everyone needs to see this movie just to marvel at it's incredible awfulness, to shake their heads in wonderment that such a thing could exist.
Honorable Mentions
The Killer Shrews (1959) - The Shrews
Aww, wook at da puppies! And wook at all the cute carpet someone put on you! Is you trying to look scary? Is you? I think you is! Dats adorable!
The Giant Gila Monster (1959) - The Gila Monster
Are you really surprised that this was made by the same guy that made The Killer Shrews? Watch in terror as the monster slowly waddles around and wrecks a model train set! Scream in terror as it ruins the good time of our hip young teens at a dance hall! Wince at the awful awful songs sung by the films hero!
The Being (1983) - The Being
I'm not quite sure what it is, but it's darn stupid looking all the same. I pretty much just wanted to include one 80s movie here.
Read this article here too!: http://www.thatguywiththeglasses.com/blog/15016
Comment on it and rate it five stars!
Monday, December 21, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Asphyxia
In the spirit of Nico's picture blog...
See more of Asphyxia on her blog and at ModelMayhem.
Follow her on Twitter.
I'm working on a story that I'll hopefully have a piece of up tomorrow night!
See more of Asphyxia on her blog and at ModelMayhem.
Follow her on Twitter.
I'm working on a story that I'll hopefully have a piece of up tomorrow night!
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Two Quick Things
Two quick things before I go to bed, both of which made my day:
New Tales of Mere Existence!
This pretty much mirrors my thoughts on God and religion. I never really thought about why churches are so big though, I wonder if it's true?
Also, Garfunkel and Oates got on Leno!
I hate Leno but it's awesome to see these two genuinely funny and talented musicians get some of the recognition they deserve!
Uck, bad bad boring long day. Two days into the week and I already want to crawl under a rock and sleep for ten years. But then I'd miss my webcomics and new That Guy With the Glasses videos and all the other funny Internet people and things that keep me from jumping out the window. I could survive without Internet but it sure makes life suck a whole lot less.
Goodnight Internet, keep filling that big truck and keep those tubes running smooth!
New Tales of Mere Existence!
This pretty much mirrors my thoughts on God and religion. I never really thought about why churches are so big though, I wonder if it's true?
Also, Garfunkel and Oates got on Leno!
I hate Leno but it's awesome to see these two genuinely funny and talented musicians get some of the recognition they deserve!
Uck, bad bad boring long day. Two days into the week and I already want to crawl under a rock and sleep for ten years. But then I'd miss my webcomics and new That Guy With the Glasses videos and all the other funny Internet people and things that keep me from jumping out the window. I could survive without Internet but it sure makes life suck a whole lot less.
Goodnight Internet, keep filling that big truck and keep those tubes running smooth!
Monday, December 14, 2009
Stillborns
The pig eats it's young so why can't I?
These things form in me and then slowly die
I could spare them so much pain if I could eat them alive
I can hear them scream in pain:
"Daddy come home there is room in our bed"
They claw and they scratch the inside of my head
"Daddy come home our legs are wide,
Can you feel us move inside?"
It's all in vain
The moon cast shadows on my wall
Through my window and down the hall
I will walk through rooms
Where dead men lay
They twitch and turn
And writhe in pain
If I had a soul
I'd kneel and pray
For these stillborns to live again
No more to speak or see the light
All I need is one small bite
"Daddy come home
Daddy come home
These lonely tombs are cold
Daddy come home
Come and love us so
Come and love us so"
Nobody loves my unborn children
Nobody likes the way they lay
Nobody loves my unborn children
But I can't them throw them away
These things form in me and then slowly die
I could spare them so much pain if I could eat them alive
I can hear them scream in pain:
"Daddy come home there is room in our bed"
They claw and they scratch the inside of my head
"Daddy come home our legs are wide,
Can you feel us move inside?"
It's all in vain
The moon cast shadows on my wall
Through my window and down the hall
I will walk through rooms
Where dead men lay
They twitch and turn
And writhe in pain
If I had a soul
I'd kneel and pray
For these stillborns to live again
No more to speak or see the light
All I need is one small bite
"Daddy come home
Daddy come home
These lonely tombs are cold
Daddy come home
Come and love us so
Come and love us so"
Nobody loves my unborn children
Nobody likes the way they lay
Nobody loves my unborn children
But I can't them throw them away
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Skymall Sci-fi
Scenes from a Sci-fi story, illustrated with products from Skymall.
The turtle girls of the swamp planet Greeon are gathered around a campfire, one is telling a story that began a long time ago in a galaxy far far away...
The evil demon Rog is torturing the Princess Mahill.
"Let me go, you brute!" She yells, "When my father hears about this he'll..."
"He'll do nothing! The weak old fool!" He cackles, "Guards, bring out the princess's special welcoming gift!"
"Oh, no, not spiders from Rygel-5!" She screams when she sees the cage.
"Oh yes," Says Rog, smiling evilly, "Soon your brain will be nothing but a gooey mass of...gooeyness!"
The king send his foot-soldiers to rescue the princess, who are naked except for shoulder pads. Because they're cool like that. And also sort of gay.
Of course they are all killed easily because they have no armor and forgot their guns back on Foren and they were too far away to turn back.
The king sends out a rag-tag team of heroes to save the princess! Here we see second mate Beth opening the bay hatch to tell the captain that his microwave hot pockets are done.
Oh no, it's robo-kitteh, the most evil creature in the universe! He is watching the team's progress on a view screen and is not pleased. He swoops down in his ship and steals the princess for himself while the evil Rog and his henchmen stand and shake their fists.
Robo-kitteh turns the princess into Robo-girl. Together they will rule the universe!
The team lands on Gor's planet and fight their way through his evil castle, only to find the princess is gone! They start breaking Gor's Hummel figurines till he tells them what happened to the princess. But suddenly they're surrounded by guards and have a laser sword fight in the evil castle's kitchen!
Back on the ship the team relaxes by playing Sim-city, using their minds! Also, the wacky comic relief character Chozo eats too many Beezo-bars and shits all over view screen in the main cabin. Oh that Chozo, what a card!
A band of high priestess of the very hairy god Blarf are intersected floating through space in a much damaged ship. They are the only survivors from their planet which Robo-kitteh blew up because Joey got canceled. He really liked that show!
The captain has sex with all the priestesses in a long and very surreal scene sort of like in the tabernacle scene in Zardoz, only with not as much hairy man-butt.
They come up on Robo-kitteh's ship and blast it while our heroes beam aboard. After a long shoot out, the captain is captured and tortured. But our heroes persevere and he is rescued. Of course!
It's Robo-kitteh and Robo-girl, shoot man shoot! The evil hair-ball hacker and his new minion are destroyed, but something isn't right. The priestess are getting weird signals from this ship...
It turns out that Robo-kitteh was only being controlled by a small machine in the center of the ship. Our heroes try to destroy it but the priestess stop them. To destroy the machine would be to disconnect all the threads that hold the universe together. It must be preserved at all costs, despite the fact that it's dangerous and evil! They take it back to their ship, set in on the kitchen table and go to bed. In the dark, it glows ominously...
Our heroes are all turned into androids will they sleep. The End!
"Hey!" Complains one small turtle girl. "That story was stupid and you should feel bad!"
All the other turtle girls agree that it is and the story teller is cast out into the wild lands that surround the friendly secluded marsh where the colony lives. Her story is a story for another day...
The turtle girls of the swamp planet Greeon are gathered around a campfire, one is telling a story that began a long time ago in a galaxy far far away...
The evil demon Rog is torturing the Princess Mahill.
"Let me go, you brute!" She yells, "When my father hears about this he'll..."
"He'll do nothing! The weak old fool!" He cackles, "Guards, bring out the princess's special welcoming gift!"
"Oh, no, not spiders from Rygel-5!" She screams when she sees the cage.
"Oh yes," Says Rog, smiling evilly, "Soon your brain will be nothing but a gooey mass of...gooeyness!"
The king send his foot-soldiers to rescue the princess, who are naked except for shoulder pads. Because they're cool like that. And also sort of gay.
Of course they are all killed easily because they have no armor and forgot their guns back on Foren and they were too far away to turn back.
The king sends out a rag-tag team of heroes to save the princess! Here we see second mate Beth opening the bay hatch to tell the captain that his microwave hot pockets are done.
Oh no, it's robo-kitteh, the most evil creature in the universe! He is watching the team's progress on a view screen and is not pleased. He swoops down in his ship and steals the princess for himself while the evil Rog and his henchmen stand and shake their fists.
Robo-kitteh turns the princess into Robo-girl. Together they will rule the universe!
The team lands on Gor's planet and fight their way through his evil castle, only to find the princess is gone! They start breaking Gor's Hummel figurines till he tells them what happened to the princess. But suddenly they're surrounded by guards and have a laser sword fight in the evil castle's kitchen!
Back on the ship the team relaxes by playing Sim-city, using their minds! Also, the wacky comic relief character Chozo eats too many Beezo-bars and shits all over view screen in the main cabin. Oh that Chozo, what a card!
A band of high priestess of the very hairy god Blarf are intersected floating through space in a much damaged ship. They are the only survivors from their planet which Robo-kitteh blew up because Joey got canceled. He really liked that show!
The captain has sex with all the priestesses in a long and very surreal scene sort of like in the tabernacle scene in Zardoz, only with not as much hairy man-butt.
They come up on Robo-kitteh's ship and blast it while our heroes beam aboard. After a long shoot out, the captain is captured and tortured. But our heroes persevere and he is rescued. Of course!
It's Robo-kitteh and Robo-girl, shoot man shoot! The evil hair-ball hacker and his new minion are destroyed, but something isn't right. The priestess are getting weird signals from this ship...
It turns out that Robo-kitteh was only being controlled by a small machine in the center of the ship. Our heroes try to destroy it but the priestess stop them. To destroy the machine would be to disconnect all the threads that hold the universe together. It must be preserved at all costs, despite the fact that it's dangerous and evil! They take it back to their ship, set in on the kitchen table and go to bed. In the dark, it glows ominously...
Our heroes are all turned into androids will they sleep. The End!
"Hey!" Complains one small turtle girl. "That story was stupid and you should feel bad!"
All the other turtle girls agree that it is and the story teller is cast out into the wild lands that surround the friendly secluded marsh where the colony lives. Her story is a story for another day...
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Letters to Santa
Dear Santa,
Dude! I saw some pictures of your wife, and she's a damn fine chunk of woman! I know that you're like, a chubby chaser and everything, but are you a swinger too? I'd love to get me a piece of what you must be getting every night! Mmmm, just thinking about double teaming her is making me...gotta go, my mom needs to use the computer.
Peace bro, (hit me up sometime!)
Greg Malamarde (Age 35)
Dear Santa,
What the Hell kind of a shop are you running up there? All I asked for was a rocket launcher and for Obama to get cancer and die and what do I get? An air pistol that couldn't kill a squirrel! The fucking thing sucks! Burn in Hell you commie bastard!
Love,
Bill O' Rielly
Dear Santa (If that even is your real name, which I'm guessing it's not),
Enjoy your time on earth tricking kids into worshiping you. I hope you know that Hell is really hot and you're not going to be used to it because you live in such a cold climate. You can be saved though, just get on your knees and pray for God's forgiveness, that's it! It's that easy! Well, you also have to stop believing in evolution and instead of handing out heathen toys, start handing out tracts that are available for purchase on my website. Imagine all the souls you will save! If not, I hope Satan keeps an extra warm spot open for you!
Your friend in Jesus,
Jack Chick
Deara, Satna Claus,
You come to my house. You give me good presants. I leave you rice and Saki. You no leave reindeer poop on floor.
Much thankee you,
Asian Stereotype That Only speaks Broken English
Dear Santa Fish,
To leave a head open for you is my gift to the modern world. Someday we will all be able to fly. All we need is to spread our mayonnaise wings and soar up into the sun. No doubt they will all eat hay.
Mooky doo wop boom,
Zippy the Pinhead
Dearest Santa,
I didn't leave milk and cookies out for you this year. Instead I left blood. From my wrist. I cut it open with a shard from a My Chemical Romance CD that my older brother broke because he said I was a "fag" for listening to it. And I cried. A lot. I just want you to know that I love you and when you don't visit my house it makes me sad and when I get sad I hurt myself. So please bring me MCR's new album or I'll slit my throat. I swear I'll do it, I'm not kidding this time.
Love forever,
A creepy emo kid
Dear Santa,
Okay, all I really want is to be able to go back in time and enter the head of certain Nickelodeon executives (I think you know which ones (wink wink)). I want to convince them to let Invader Zim finish out it's second season story arc. If this is not possible then please at least let me kick one of them in the nuts for canceling Invader Zim before it could even really get started on the second season story arc. That would be great.
Your friend,
Kurdt Eastwood
PS. Oh yeah and if neither of the above options are possible, could I just have some nude photos of Kirsten Dunst? Thank you again!
Dear Santa,
Please shit in my mouth. I'll be in the bathtub all Christmas night waiting for you. Please eats lots of fast food so it's nice and runny just the way I like it. If you want to bring Mrs. Claus and some of the elves along, that would be great! The more the merrier I always say!
Love and kisses,
Rush Limbaugh
Dear Santa Fucktard,
Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls BallsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssBalls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls
Eat shit and die,
An Internet Troll
Ps. Balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls...
"In other news, Santa was found dead this morning after inquires were made as to why none of his presents were delivered. He was found in a closet in his workshop with a plastic bag over his head. Authorities have ruled it a suicide.
Coming up after the break: Chipmunks, do they really have psychic powers? One local woman claims they do. Her story is up next..."
Dude! I saw some pictures of your wife, and she's a damn fine chunk of woman! I know that you're like, a chubby chaser and everything, but are you a swinger too? I'd love to get me a piece of what you must be getting every night! Mmmm, just thinking about double teaming her is making me...gotta go, my mom needs to use the computer.
Peace bro, (hit me up sometime!)
Greg Malamarde (Age 35)
Dear Santa,
What the Hell kind of a shop are you running up there? All I asked for was a rocket launcher and for Obama to get cancer and die and what do I get? An air pistol that couldn't kill a squirrel! The fucking thing sucks! Burn in Hell you commie bastard!
Love,
Bill O' Rielly
Dear Santa (If that even is your real name, which I'm guessing it's not),
Enjoy your time on earth tricking kids into worshiping you. I hope you know that Hell is really hot and you're not going to be used to it because you live in such a cold climate. You can be saved though, just get on your knees and pray for God's forgiveness, that's it! It's that easy! Well, you also have to stop believing in evolution and instead of handing out heathen toys, start handing out tracts that are available for purchase on my website. Imagine all the souls you will save! If not, I hope Satan keeps an extra warm spot open for you!
Your friend in Jesus,
Jack Chick
Deara, Satna Claus,
You come to my house. You give me good presants. I leave you rice and Saki. You no leave reindeer poop on floor.
Much thankee you,
Asian Stereotype That Only speaks Broken English
Dear Santa Fish,
To leave a head open for you is my gift to the modern world. Someday we will all be able to fly. All we need is to spread our mayonnaise wings and soar up into the sun. No doubt they will all eat hay.
Mooky doo wop boom,
Zippy the Pinhead
Dearest Santa,
I didn't leave milk and cookies out for you this year. Instead I left blood. From my wrist. I cut it open with a shard from a My Chemical Romance CD that my older brother broke because he said I was a "fag" for listening to it. And I cried. A lot. I just want you to know that I love you and when you don't visit my house it makes me sad and when I get sad I hurt myself. So please bring me MCR's new album or I'll slit my throat. I swear I'll do it, I'm not kidding this time.
Love forever,
A creepy emo kid
Dear Santa,
Okay, all I really want is to be able to go back in time and enter the head of certain Nickelodeon executives (I think you know which ones (wink wink)). I want to convince them to let Invader Zim finish out it's second season story arc. If this is not possible then please at least let me kick one of them in the nuts for canceling Invader Zim before it could even really get started on the second season story arc. That would be great.
Your friend,
Kurdt Eastwood
PS. Oh yeah and if neither of the above options are possible, could I just have some nude photos of Kirsten Dunst? Thank you again!
Dear Santa,
Please shit in my mouth. I'll be in the bathtub all Christmas night waiting for you. Please eats lots of fast food so it's nice and runny just the way I like it. If you want to bring Mrs. Claus and some of the elves along, that would be great! The more the merrier I always say!
Love and kisses,
Rush Limbaugh
Dear Santa Fucktard,
Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls BallsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssBalls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls
Eat shit and die,
An Internet Troll
Ps. Balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls...
"In other news, Santa was found dead this morning after inquires were made as to why none of his presents were delivered. He was found in a closet in his workshop with a plastic bag over his head. Authorities have ruled it a suicide.
Coming up after the break: Chipmunks, do they really have psychic powers? One local woman claims they do. Her story is up next..."
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Jesus Wuvs Me
Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Jesus loves me when I'm good
When I do the things I should
Jesus loves me when I'm bad
But it makes God really mad
If I sin enough I know
There's a place that's down below
A lake of fire and awful pain
Because of sin that's in my veins
I must pray and bow to God
And follow the Bible's every law
No more shellfish then for me
And kill every faggot that I see
I won't even touch myself when I pee
God will be so proud of me
I already sacrificed my cat
So the neighbor's dog will soon be next
With my holy sword in hand
I will help clear out the land
The unbelievers all will die
And in the lake of fire they all will fry
Jesus loves me when I'm loved
And when I'm bathed in holy blood
Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
For the Bible tells me so
Jesus loves me when I'm good
When I do the things I should
Jesus loves me when I'm bad
But it makes God really mad
If I sin enough I know
There's a place that's down below
A lake of fire and awful pain
Because of sin that's in my veins
I must pray and bow to God
And follow the Bible's every law
No more shellfish then for me
And kill every faggot that I see
I won't even touch myself when I pee
God will be so proud of me
I already sacrificed my cat
So the neighbor's dog will soon be next
With my holy sword in hand
I will help clear out the land
The unbelievers all will die
And in the lake of fire they all will fry
Jesus loves me when I'm loved
And when I'm bathed in holy blood
Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
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