Tuesday, September 29, 2009

My Apathy Medicine

The Pogues have everything I look for in a good band. They're full of energy, a love of music, life, and the idea that you should kick shit up while your youth is still in your bones. Shane McGowan was a fantastic songwriter, even if you can't understand him all the time. His voice may not be the most perfect but there's more life, joy, and agony in it than all the shit on the radio put together.

Can music really wash your soul clean? Can it save your life? Well, I know The Pouges do something to me. Their music lifts me up, gives me energy and makes me want to do something creative, anything. It makes me want to scream and shout and sing and dance. It makes a fool of me, and I love it.

It probably sounds stupid but it's the music that really does get me through. All the boring stupid shit I have to deal with everyday, It just all falls into the background and becomes meaningless.

"I'm just following the Irish tradition of songwriting, the Irish way of life, the human way of life. Cram as much pleasure into life, and rail against the pain you have to suffer as a result. Or scream and rant with the pain, and wait for it to be taken away with beautiful pleasure.
Irish music is guts, balls and feet music, yeah? It's frenetic dance music, yeah? Or it's impossibly sad like slow music, yeah?"
-Shane McGowan

Apathy is a disease. I'm glad I have something to help fight it. Something to inject my soul with a bit of life when all I want to do is lie down and stare at the ceiling.

So...what's your apathy medicine?

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Closing Time

Where will you go when the lights turn off
And the bartender shouts out last call
When the movie is over
And the theater is dark
And the bouncers shove you down the hall
Will you wander the streets
Beneath the neon lights
Pondering at the stars shining bright
Considering the moon
Drinking in the night
Or will you just go home after all?
Where will you go after last call?

The spookiest thing to me has always been driving home from a friend's house late at night or early in the morning. Having been around a large group of people for a long period of time always makes the night so much more lonely and strange feeling. It's worse if their's a fog covering the road. It's times like those that the differences between night and day really stand out. It's not just the sun going down that makes the night. It's a mood and a different feeling that can't really be described in words. I don't think you can really feel it unless you're by yourself. It's lonely and empty and primal. It's what our ancestors must have felt sitting around a campfire, staring into the darkness, wondering what could live out there beyond what they could see. It's where all of our modern myths of ghosts and monsters come from. It's what we created religion to protect against. Light against the dark, the frightening unknown.
It's those times that I really want to get home quick and into bed but the drive always seems to take forever...

And what is there for you after last call?
I hope its not a cardboard box in a back alleyway
Because I like you
I hope it's a house
Or an apartment
And a warm bed
I hope there's something there
So you don't have to wander
Because those neon lights
Don't offer much warmth
Not much protection against the night
And the dawn is a long way off...

Saturday, September 26, 2009

In a John Denver Sort of Mood

I took a walk in the woods
The sun was shining bright
All the birds were singing
Cause freedom is their right
I climbed a mountain
And I tried to touch the sun
Then I ran around and screamed awhile
Naked just for fun

Oh in nature
In nature I am free
I can roll around in whatever I want
And pee where I want to pee
In nature, in nature I am free

Oh that Rocky Mountain feeling
It makes me feel so high
When I'm in the cities
I just want to die
When I'm all by myself
I can really breath
I can touch myself
And all the squirrels
And no one bothers me
In nature, in nature I am free

Oh in nature
In nature I am free
I can roll around in whatever I want
And pee where I want to pee
In nature, in nature I am free

So come on fill up my senses
Like night in the woods
And cut myself with sharpened sticks
It makes me feel so good
To sunshine on my shoulders
I can never say goodbye
Because just like acid on my face
It always makes me cry

Oh in nature
In nature I am free
I can roll around in whatever I want
And pee where I want to pee
In nature, in nature I am free
La la la la la la la la la...

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Improved Comics (24-Sep-09)

Funny or not here they are...

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Doll (A Short Film Script)

We open on a suburban middle class house, clean, well furnished. The camera shows us several well kept rooms all with afternoon sunlight coming through the windows, all empty. It's all so perfect...
We cut to a shot of the front door looking down from the front hallway. After what sounds like someone fiddling with the lock, the door opens and a teen girl steps through. She's very young, about 14 or 15. She walks in, throws her book bag on the couch and goes into the kitchen.
We cut to the kitchen where the girl has a sandwich, chips, and a glass of milk.
We hear the door open and someone says
(Offscreen): Hello, anybody home?
Girl: I'm in the kitchen mom!
The door to the kitchen opens and a the "mom" comes in with several bags in her arms. She sets them down on the table.
Mom: How was your day honey?
Mom sits down at the table and steals a chip from the girls plate.
Girl: Oh, it was alright.
Mom: Just alright?"
Girl: Yeah, well, you know...
Mom: What'd you learn today?
Girl: (Through a mouthful of sandwich.) Stuff.
Mom: (With fake exasperation) Oh, you kids! (Laughs)
She reaches over and grabs one of the paper bags.
Mom: You'll like this. I know how much you like dolls and I saw this the flea market today and I just couldn't pass it up...
She reaches into the bag and pulls out a china doll. It's filthy, has one eye, and a large crack runs down the front of it's face.
Girl: Ew, mom! Why'd you buy that?
Mom: Don't you know? This is a Megan Ann doll, these are really hard to find! Even in this condition, It's still a collector's item!
Girl: I think it's kind of...creepy.
Mom: I think you need to stop reading all those horror books young lady!
Girl: I'm not keeping that in my room...
Mom: Of course not, it's going in the Doll room with the others.
The girl looks at her half eaten sandwich and pushes it away.
Mom: What's wrong?
Girl: I'm not as hungry as I thought I was.
Mom: Alright, I'll finish it. Waste not want not I always say! (Laughs)
The girl rolls her eyes and leaves the table.

We cut to the doll room, which is, of course, filled with dolls. The camera cuts to several close ups of various dolls around the room. A clock can be heard ticking. The door opens and the mother walks in. She sets the doll on an empty display stand and stands looking at it. The sun is starting to go down and the room is a bit dark. Mom looks a bit unnerved.
Mom (Quietly and a bit nervously): Alright, here's your new home Megan Ann. Now you...you play nice with your new friends.
Close up on Megan Ann, shadows covering her face.
Mom leaves and closes the door. We stay in the room for a bit looking at the window and then cut to Megan Ann's cracked face. Then we cut too...

The Girl in pajamas brushing her teeth in the upstairs bathroom. She spits in the sink.
Mom (From behind): I'm going to bed honey. Don't stay up too late reading those spooky books. They're not good for you, you know!
Girl: I won't mom.
Mom: Well alright....love you.
Girl: Love you too mom.
Mom: Goodnight.
Girl: Night.
Mom: Don't let the bed bugs bite...
Girl: Oh mom, I'm not 5 anymore!
Mom: But you'll always be my little girl.
They hug. End scene. Open on...

An empty playground under a gray sky. The ground is covered in leaves. We cut to the slide and the swings moving in the breeze. The girl walks on screen, still wearing her pajamas. She seems to be in trance. She slowly walks up to the slide and puts her hand down on it. She lifts it looks at her hand. It's covered in blood. A voice calls out, sing-songy:
Voice: Jenifer (Giggly laugh.) Look behind you Jenifer...
The girl turns. We see a horrible lump of flesh supporting itself on the jungle gym. It looks sort of human but it has no eyes and it looks like it's joints are all unhinged. It lets go and walks/shuffles, with it's arms out towards the girl. She screams and...

Wakes up in bed, covered in sweat. For a second we see relief on her face but then we hear a door creak and a shuffling sound coming from outside her room. She throws the blankets aside and gets out of bed. Very slowly she opens the door and looks out into the hallway. It's empty. We can see a bit downstairs where a dim light is on as a night light. The girl pushes the door open and walks into the hallway.
She pushes open a door on the right side of the hall.
Girl (Softly): Mom?
We see the inside of the room, but it's too dark to make anything out.
Girl (Softly): Mom? I had a nightmare...
No answer. She flips on a light and her face turns pale.
We get a shot looking at the bed in the middle of the room. There's blood everywhere. Then we get consecutive fast cut close-ups that reveal that the mother has no head.
Cut back to the girl who screams loudly...

We're back in the doll room. It's dark but the moon is out and we can see a little bit. The camera slowly pans onto the doll stand we left earlier. It's empty. Fast cut to black.

The End

For more creepy doll fun, please watch this video by The Birthday Massacre. Then buy all their music because they are awesome:

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

America, America, this is you...

"Imma go down to the Wally-mart and pick up sum o dat mac and cheese what come in da yeller box."

"Nah, I'll go. You stay here and tell me what happens on Judge Judy when I gets back. I needs me some pads and some oil for the Ford, and you'll get the wrong ones a both.

"If you gonna go a drivin', pick me up some food what from da Burger King..."

"You want more food woman? You just ate an entire Kentucky Fried families meal! I ain't made a money!"

"If you wants to get all up in mah coochy tonight, you betta do what I says! And come back quick. I'm hungry!"

"I'll take the Corvette..."

Monday, September 21, 2009

Most Hated Movies

There aren't too many movies I actively dislike. I think that every film has merit of some sort, even if it's just to provide unintentional humor. For me to hate it, it has to be really bad...

Last Days (2005)
"A movie based on the last few days of Kurt Cobain? How could this possibly suck?"

One hour later...

"Oh god, it feels like I've been sitting here for days! There's not characters or plot, just random shit happening. And...wait a second. I've seen this part already! They're repeating scenes! I hate you Gus Van Sant, I hate you!"

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me (1992)
"What the fuck is going on? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? Is this thing over yet? Seriously? My brain is trying to jump out of my skull! End already!"
I hated it so much threw the DVD in the burn barrel out back and set it on fire. Then I felt better despite having wasted five dollars. David Lynch is a genius but when genius goes bad, it goes really bad!

Monster a-Go Go (1965)
"What? Are you serious? That was your ending? I sat through a mind numbing hour and a half of the blandest bullshit ever put on film and thats all you can give me? Rage building...urge to kill...rising..."

Wedding Crashers (2005)
"I seriously want to punch the people responsible for this film in the balls. Every last one of them. Super hard too so they can never procreate. Ha ha ha, misogyny and queer jokes are funny, right? Please kill me..."

Sigh. I made a vow never to quit a movie once I've started it. It's made me stronger but caused oh so much pain...

Friday, September 18, 2009

Favorite Movies List

The Nostalgia Critic put up a couple videos describing what his favorite films were and why which is a good idea I hadn't really thought about before. I tried to narrow it down to 20 but ended up with 31!
These are sort of in order:

1. Braindead (1992)
2. Eraserhead (1977)
3. Evil Dead II (1987)
4. Army of Darkness (1992)
5. Dawn of the Dead (1978)
6. Sen to Chihiro no kamikakushi (Spirited Away) (2001)
7. A Clockwork Orange (1971)
8. Paris, Texas (1984)
9. El laberinto del fauno (Pan's Labyrinth) (2006)
10. Bride of Frankenstein (1935)
11. Nosferatu, eine Symphonie des Grauens (Nosferatu, a Symphony of Horror) (1922)
12. Night of the Living Dead (1968)
13. Two Thousand Maniacs! (1964)
14. The Brain That Wouldn't Die (1962)
15. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)
16. The Devil's Rejects (2005)
17. Pulp Fiction (1994)
18. Day of the Dead (1985)
19. South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut (1999)
20. More (1998)
21. Martin (1977)
22. Raging Bull (1980)
23. Boogie Nights (1997)
24. Fight Club (1999)
25. Coraline (2009)
26. Re-Animator (1985)
27. Ghost Busters (1984)
28. Freaks (1932)
29. Stop Making Sense (1984)
30. Häxan (Witchcraft Through the Ages) (1922)
31. The Dark Knight (2008)

There's so many more movies I could list but these are the ones that I'd watch over and over again. The ones that I watch again every once in awhile, to remind myself of why I love film so much. They all have special places in my heart for different reasons.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Sum Updates

First of all, I'd like to thank you guys for the comments yesterday. I was seriously trying not to fly off the handle and start ranting, since censorship is something I'm very passionate about.

And on the subject of the Hays Code, in response to dogimo's comment: Government crack down might have been worse, but the code itself was pretty stringent. It pretty much guaranteed that every movie had a happy ending of some sort since one of the rules was that evil couldn't be shown unless it was ultimately punished. It got pretty ridiculous sometimes too. Check out the ending of The Bad Seed for a particularly ridiculous example.
Some good did come out of it though. It forced filmmakers to be subtle. I recently watched The Young Philadelphians (1959) with Paul Newman. A very young Adam West has a bit part at the beginning and ends up committing suicide. Or at least thats what's implied. (He crashed his car). It's also subtly implied that he was gay.
And then there's all the implied sex characters were having in various films. Pretty much whenever the hero walks off screen with the girl, you know what they're doing and I'm pretty sure audiences of the time did too.
And then there's the burst of gritty violent films that came in the 1970s after the code was abolished, but I've already blabbed on enough.

I really just wanted to say that I got Wizards in the mail today and am really itching to watch and review it. Do you guys mind if I move this movie club experiment thing to this Friday instead of next?

Currently Reading: The Preacher series. Best. Fucking. Comic. Ever.
Currently Listening to: The Birthday Massacre's new live album. It's sort of a greatest hits sort of thing, but the live versions are almost better than the studio ones. Chibi's voice is fucking amazing.
Youtube video of the now:

Garfunkel and Oates are a gift from the comedy gods. We don't get gifts bestowed upon us all that often from them (can we send Dane Cook back?) so I for one am very grateful.

And that is all. I have to say. For now.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Censorship in America

From Wikipedia:
"[Anthony Comstock) was born in New Canaan, Connecticut. As a young man, he enlisted and fought for the Union in the American Civil War from 1863 to 1865 in Company H, 17th Connecticut Infantry. He served without incident, but objected to the profanity used by his fellow soldiers. Afterward he became an active worker in the Young Men's Christian Association in New York City.

In 1873 Comstock created the New York Society for the Suppression of Vice, an institution dedicated to supervising the morality of the public. Later that year, Comstock successfully influenced the United States Congress to pass the Comstock Law, which made illegal the delivery or transportation of both "obscene, lewd, or lascivious" material as well as any methods of, or information pertaining to, birth control."

This was the NYSSV's logo:

Make a note of what the guy on the right is doing.

"Comstock's ideas of what might be "obscene, lewd, or lascivious" were quite broad. During his time of greatest power, even some anatomy textbooks were prohibited from being sent to medical students by the United States Postal Service.

"Comstock is also known for his opposition to Victoria Woodhull and Tennessee Claflin, and those associated with them. The men's journal The Days' Doings had popularized lewd images of the sisters for three years and was instructed by its editor (while Comstock was present) to stop producing images of "lewd character". Comstock also took legal action against the paper for advertising contraceptives. When the sisters published an expose of an adulterous affair between Reverend Henry Ward Beecher and Elizabeth Tilton, he had the sisters arrested under laws forbidding the use of the postal service to distribute 'obscene material'—specifically (and ironically) citing a mangled Biblical quote Comstock found obscene—though they were later acquitted of the charges.

Less fortunate was Ida Craddock, who committed suicide on the eve of reporting to Federal prison for distributing via the U.S. Mail various sexually explicit marriage manuals she had authored. Her final work was a lengthy public suicide note specifically condemning Comstock."

This ass-hole drove this woman to suicide. And you know what? He was proud of it!

"Through his various campaigns he destroyed 15 tons of books, 284,000 pounds of plates for printing 'objectionable' books, and nearly 4,000,000 pictures. Comstock boasted that he was responsible for 4,000 arrests and 15 suicides."

This isn't even the worst case of over-zealous censorship in America. The Hays Code pretty much neutered American film from the early 30s to the late 60s. The provision that couples had to sleep in separate beds wasn't a part of it, but the studios were so scared of repercussions that you hardly ever see a single bed in a mainstream film during this time, even when it doesn't make sense. Here's what the code did entail (From Wikipedia):

"The Production Code enumerated three "General Principles" as follows:

1. No picture shall be produced that will lower the moral standards of those who see it. Hence the sympathy of the audience should never be thrown to the side of crime, wrongdoing, evil or sin.
2. Correct standards of life, subject only to the requirements of drama and entertainment, shall be presented.
3. Law, natural or human, shall not be ridiculed, nor shall sympathy be created for its violation.

Specific restrictions were spelled out as "Particular Applications" of these principles:

* Nakedness and suggestive dances were prohibited.
* The ridicule of religion was forbidden, and ministers of religion were not to be represented as comic characters or villains.
* The depiction of illegal drug use was forbidden, as well as the use of liquor, "when not required by the plot or for proper characterization."
* Methods of crime (e.g. safe-cracking, arson, smuggling) were not to be explicitly presented.
* References to alleged sex perversion (such as homosexuality) and venereal disease were forbidden, as were depictions of childbirth.
* The language section banned various words and phrases that were considered to be offensive.
* Murder scenes had to be filmed in a way that would discourage imitations in real life, and brutal killings could not be shown in detail. "Revenge in modern times" was not to be justified.
* The sanctity of marriage and the home had to be upheld. "Pictures shall not imply that low forms of sex relationship are the accepted or common thing." Adultery and illicit sex, although recognized as sometimes necessary to the plot, could not be explicit or justified and were not supposed to be presented as an attractive option.
* Portrayals of miscegenation were forbidden.
* "Scenes of Passion" were not to be introduced when not essential to the plot. "Excessive and lustful kissing" was to be avoided, along with any other treatment that might "stimulate the lower and baser element."
* The flag of the United States was to be treated respectfully, and the people and history of other nations were to be presented "fairly."
* The treatment of "Vulgarity," defined as "low, disgusting, unpleasant, though not necessarily evil, subjects" must be "subject to the dictates of good taste." Capital punishment, "third-degree methods," cruelty to children and animals, prostitution and surgical operations were to be handled with similar sensitivity."

You have to keep in mind too, this wasn't government mandated. Pressured by religious groups and local censorship boards, the film industry put this thing in place and put people in charge to enforce it. The people in charge could change scripts they deemed "innapropriate" or "immoral" or pretty much whatever they didn't think was decent. I really can't wrap my brain around why this thing lasted so damn long. It couldn't have been popular with filmmakers. Was a rating system that hard to think up? Why did it take until almost the 1970s to create?

Then there's the horrible things that happened to the comic book industry in the 1950s that almost destroyed it completely.

And believe it or not, it's happening right now. Video games are a frequent target of moralists that hide behind the "it's bad for the children" excuse thats been used to gain popular opinion for censorship since the damn printing press was created. If we ever really want to be a free country and a free world, we need to speak out against bullshit like this.
Censorship is about control. If they can control what you read and hear, they can control what you think. People who don't think are not only easier to control, they're easier to sell to.
Coca-cola had to stop selling baby bottles with their logo because mothers were feeding their babies soda. That's a power that's almost scary.

Fuck censorship. Fuck it up it's uptight moralistic finger pointing asshole. And fuck the idiots that support it.
Free speech and free thinking are what make this country one of the greatest in the world. At least it could, if we could all get behind it.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Improved Comics (Sep-13-2009)


So we've got a few people for this thing, it should be interesting. I'm still waiting for the darn movie to come in the mail though! It should be here soon though, fingers crossed!
Do you guys have any suggestions to how we could make it better? At first I thought a live chat would be awesome, but that would be hard to organize I think. Especially since I'm in quite a different time zone than most of you.

Okay, I have a question for you guys. Whats the absolute worst cartoon you've ever seen?
I was thinking of this one today that I haven't seen for a long time. I don't think it was on very long, but it had horribly designed characters and a putrid color scheme. All I remember was that it was about these two brothers, one was blue and was a wuss and the other was green and was a jerk. I think that was pretty much the whole plot too. Maybe it's a good thing I can't remember most of this thing...
And I've always thought the Wild Thornberry's had awful character designs. Plus it started a wave of Nickelodeon cartoons that all kind of looked the same. Uck, the things I had to sit through to catch an episode of Invader Zim or My Life as a Teenage Robot...

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Movie Club!!!

I don't know how many of you are still here, but if you are...

One of my favorite websites (Pajiba!) had this great idea, which I am presently going to steal.


Here's how it's going to work. Instead of just posting up a movie review and giving the usual good/bad claptrap, I'll post up a movie choice ahead of time, to give you guys time to Netflix it and watch it. Then on specified date, I'll put up a review on our movie blog. Since you guys have access and can edit when you want, you can chime in on the actual post and not just in the comments. Spoilers won't matter because we should all have seen the movie.
Then one of you guys will pick the next movie to watch and a specified date.
Since we all love cartoons and animation, I thought I'd limit the choices to that genre. They can be adult animation, kiddie films, anime, features, collections of short films, or TV shows. If you pick a TV show though, give lots of time for everyone to watch. The only other rule is that it has to be easily available to rent on Netflix.

Sound good?

Okay. Since I've wanted to watch it for awhile now, the first movie is going to be Ralph Bakshi's 1977 cult classic, Wizards. If you've already seen it, I don't think it'll hurt to watch it again. Well, I haven't seen it yet, maybe it will hurt!
But anyways, my review will be up on Crudloadofmovies on the 25th of this month. Too soon? I can always extend it.
The first person to post gets to be the first one to pick the next movie this time, and then we'll rotate.

I'm guessing you all have Netflix right? I know you're all busy so if this idea is stupid just tell me.

If you want access to post, send me an email at youngmancane_13@hotmail.com


Saturday, September 5, 2009

The Sick Genius of Weird Al

I owe Mr. Yankovic a huge debt of gratitude. His funny song parodies were there at the start when my musical taste was just starting to develop and it probably also warped my sense of humor into very weird directions. My favorite songs though were actually his originals, usually done as "style parodies." Some of these...were rather twisted.
Click here for awesomeness!
I think this might be a They Might Be Giants parody, specifically See the Constellation from Apollo 18:

Regardless, it's a wonderfully sick song. I also love the instrumentation and how it switches tone at the end. It'd be great for a hard rock band to cover.

Bad Hair Day was one of the first Cds I bought with my own money (the third one, if I recall correctly) and I listened to it more than was probably healthy. Every single song is permanently etched in my brain.
Before that though, I had a set of cassette tapes that a friend of mine loaned me that had a ton of Weird Al from different albums, which I used to drive my mom nuts on car trips.
Here's a brilliant James Taylor parody:

If I ever have the patience to learn guitar I'll sit at campfires and play this song and tell people it's James Taylor, just to see the looks on their faces when the line about torturing rats with a hacksaw comes.

And here we have a brilliant video parody of More Than Words by Extreme, a band I honestly and truly loath: Embedding disabled, click the link!
Here's the original video for comparison, if you can stomach it: Click here!
"Now you, think I'm ugly and you say I'm cheap, you shaved off my eyebrows while I was asleep..." Hi-larious.

This one's goofier but still pretty dark:

I love the harmonies in the middle part. I can't seem to figure out who he's parodying though. Any ideas?

And lastly we have the last song from Bad Hair day, and probably Al's sickest song ever. Embedding disabled again. Why? Just to be annoying!
If you're curious, it's a style parody of both Black Gold by Soul Asylum and Momma I'm Comin' Home by Ozzy Osbourne:

There's actually a version that was released as a single that's actually more violent and warped, but I've only heard it a few times and can't seem to find it anywhere!

Well that was fun, listening to Weird Al always takes me back. So many songs are linked to so many different memories and emotions for me, it's really crazy. And...Oh, I almost for got one!

Why hasn't there ever been a movie about a slasher that finds a cub scout troop? You know it'd be great. ;)

I Really Shouldn't Stay Up So Early...

I made this at about 4:00 AM:

Sweet dreams kiddies!

Friday, September 4, 2009

5 6 7 8 Lover will Suffocate...

Take a tour around the schoolroom floors
Rub shoulders with the jocks and the whores
Pretty twiggy has my heart on wires
Pull the strings and you can set it on fire
I don't want her cause she makes me sick
But in my dreams I always come to her quick
Pretty twiggy paints her nails with red
And horrid thoughts course through my head
Her caress it burns me like fire
Given power by the father of liars

Jesus says that lust is wrong
But these feelings are much too strong
I took her home and I laid her down
Five feet into the cold hard ground
In the night I could hear her screams
In the darkness of my deepest dreams
Hands clawing at the splinters and wood
Fists pounding it will do her no good
Now she's quiet and I sin no more
Now they'll let me in St. Peter's door

Take a tour of the schoolroom halls
Blood dripping from the ceilings and walls
All the jocks are nailed up through their eyes
And all the whores are in the ovens to fry
I know now I can't escape from my sin
Jesus said he won't let this end
Jesus says I've been a real bad boy
Jesus said I won't get any toys
Except for twiggy with her nails torn to shreds
Dirty hair matted to her head
I've got her now
She's forever mine
Her cold embrace for all of time

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Late Night Ramblings

What is the point of life? Why the fuck are we here? If you answered "42" then you are a nerd, but I love you, even if we've never met.
You might say "gosh, it's to be happy, and to make other people happy too!" I've met these "other people" and most of them are miserable shits bent on making life Hell for everyone else. But you, you're alright. I'd sit down and have a few drinks with you. No no, no more beer. I've sworn off it. It clouds the mind, see? Anything that dulls your perceptions is bad. I've been all about opening up my brain latley, trying to see the world how it really looks. And aren't people just adorable? Bill Hicks calls them "viruses with shoes" but I think they're cute. They run around on a planet full of nonrenewable resources destroying the only place they have to live on. But not me, no. I'm in my own sphere. I've created this magical little world inside my head to crawl into. The only problem is, it's not such a nice world. Sometimes it looks alright, but there's spiders and bugs and the wood is rotted under the nice carpeting and all the guests you've invited over are dead. Why? Because you forgot to switch out the arsenic tea you were going to kill your grandmother with yesterday and now all your friends are dead.
So you want to go in that cave right? It's dark and you have no flashlight. You could use matches but they burn out quickly. There's something at the back of the cave thats glowing but you know if you grab it, it'll blow you're whole body into a million pieces and scatter them all over the universe. Do you know what it's like trying to recover parts of your being while floating through the endless void of space?
And now, like a mac truck running down on a chipmunk in the middle of the road, weariness fills me with despair. But soon there will be sleep and dreams, wonderful sur-reality where objects never stay in one spot and you shift in and out of dimensions with startling ease. There's a girl there in a pink dress with red hair in braids. She has a third eye in the middle of her forehead. She sees all and will impart her knowledge to me, if only I'll find her lost kitten. It's name is Morgoth and it eats time itself....

1 2 3 4 Underneath the Cellar Floor...

I can't remember where I put you
Was it over by the TV in the living room?
Or did I brick you up in the basement?
Behind the plaster in the bedroom maybe?
I get so mixed up sometimes
But I really don't want to go through
All the trouble of tearing my house apart
To find you
I was thinking of you today though
I was remembering your smell
The light perfume that followed you around
The way your blonde hair fell over your shoulders
The way your breasts moved when you breathed
You said you were going to leave
How could you leave?
I loved you
I needed you
Without you I would have been broken
Every cell would have withered away and died
So I found a way to keep you here
You didn't talk much anymore
But you were always in the mood
And I could study your pretty face
Whenever I wanted
It was bliss just having you around
But then people starting poking their heads around
Your sister
Your mom
The police
I had to hide you
And now I miss your hair
And your smell
And your breasts
And I can't find you
But I've got this knife
And the night is dark
But not too hot
Lots of people will be out tonight
Pretty girls
I'll find a substitute
Till I can find you again
Please don't be jelous
Honey Bunch
Sweetie Pie
If you weren't hiding so well
I wouldn't have to do this
Just come out and play
And we can watch TV
You like Family Matters right?
Didn't Urkel make you laugh?
Well, my TVs broken anyways
My knife and I have a date
In the park...

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Sundown (Part 2)

Like I said, If you've never been to a Sundown club, you haven't lived. Or maybe I should have said, "You ain't seen crazy shit till you've seen 200 or so creatures of the night tearing each other apart in a mosh pit." It's mostly just the young ones that get into it. The old ones, the A vampires and scarred up old werewolves, they know better. They know that if you're going to live a couple hundred years, you should try to take care of your body at least a little bit. Of course, the demons don't give a shit since they can regenerate whatever they want.

I suppose I should talk a bit about the music scene in these clubs. It's the most underground music there can possibly be, since only trackers and insane thrill seekers ever get to hear it. You can buy bootlegs of the shows, but they're expensive and hard to come by. Plus, it's not the same as actually being there: hearing the screams of the mutilated above the shriek of guitars, the fetid stench of so many un-dead in one place, and the feeling of danger that comes rolling off the crowd. It's really something let me tell you...

The place filled up quickly that night, like it usually does, and I ordered another beer and took it to one of the booths on the side of the pit. The band hadn't started yet, even though the crowd was already looking restless and particularly angry that night. Full moons will do that.
Rec saw me and climbed down from the stage. Rec, the bands bassist and only human I know that's crazy enough to hang around with a bunch of un-dead freaks, is an old friend of mine. He used to be a tracker himself, but got a little too close to getting his throat ripped out one time and called it quits. I asked him once how hanging out with a vampire, a changeling, and a demon were any less dangerous than tracking, and he replied that he thought that by making friends instead of enemies in the night-world, he'd live longer. Rec's a nice guy, but not very bright.
He sat down in my booth and stole a slug from my beer.
"You're lucky you're my friend," I said and smiled, "If anyone else did that, I'd cut their head in half."
Rec laughed. "Someone did do that to you and you did cut their head in half remember? That stupid werewolf with the funny looking scar on his forehead?"
"Yeah well, that scar was an from an initiation into a rather nasty werewolf gang. I didn't have a very fun coupla months after that."
I pulled the sleeve of my leather jacket down and showed him the long jagged scars on my forearm.
"I had to kill every single one of those motherfuckers before they'd leave me alone, and didn't get a damn cent for it."
"It's gonna catch up with you man. You should get into the music biz...like me!" He smiled and pointed at himself like a two year old.
I laughed. "Can I ask you a question Rec?"
"No, I haven't seen Riham naked..."
"I was gonna ask how you can stand up there on that stage with no shirt on when you're about 3 feet away from a writhing mass of claws and fangs."
He laughed and got up to go back on stage. "I get hot up there! I'll see ya around man."
He started to go and stopped.
"Hey check it out, over in the corner. A vampires. Word must be spreading around about us eh? Welp, see ya around!"
He climbed back on stage and the band started on one last sound check. I looked slightly in the direction he had indicated. It was odd seeing A vampires in a dive club like this. They usually held their own private parties where they stood around drinking blood martinis and talking about the "good old days" when their powers were at their peak and they didn't have to survive on animal blood. I've crashed a few of those parties, they're rather pathetic.
It was mostly B and C vampires that came to these places and mostly Cs that went in the pit.
C vampires. The absolute scum of the earth. They're like insects, no matter how many you kill there's always more and no one's quite sure where they come from.
The brainless defilers of everything the new laws were set up for. If someone's found dead in an alleyway, it's almost always a C that did it. They're so much trouble that it's actually legal to kill them on sight.
One good thing about them though, they're easy to kill. A few good hacks with a machete and their heads come right off. They know they're safe in these clubs though, surrounded by their brothers of the night, as long as they don't try and interact with anyone outside of the pit. I saw a changeling turn into a panther and tear one apart one time for trying to seduce her into becoming his next meal. It was funny shit.

The band launched into it's first song and the place went wild, like it usually did. A scream rang out and I watched an arm fly up above the crowd, silhouetted by the low lights of the stage, before falling back down into the mass. Odd since it was kind of early for that sort of thing to happen. I guess the moon really did get to them that night. I sipped my drink and watched the chaos.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see the group of A vampires. They didn't seem to be talking at all, they just sat and sipped their drinks. Finally one got up and walked over to my table. She was an alright looking vamp except for the fact that she only had one eye. I wondered how many years she'd been "alive." 300? 1000? It was hard to tell.
A voice spoke up from inside my head.
"Is this seat taken?"
It startled me. I had forgotten some of them had that power. It was a good thing too, I wouldn't have been able to hear her over the screaming guitar and pounding Hell drums.
I pushed a thought back.
"Well it was, but the guy can go to Hell."
An icy laugh and then:
"I've heard people say this world is Hell on earth."
"Depends on how you live. Sit down..."
"Thanks. You're a tracker aren't you?"
"How could you tell?"
"Well, the leather jacket is a dead giveaway. That and the fact that you're not dead."
"Maybe I'm just a random thrill seeker looking for kicks?"
"Maybe. How'd you like to go to a real party?"
"An A vampire party? No thanks, I've been to a few, not a lot of fun."
"Oh I know, but we're different. We know how to have a good time."
This was intriguing. Common sense said it was a bad idea, but I'd handled large crowds of vampires before. If they jumped me, I had my defenses. I pushed a thought back:
"Seems kinda dangerous for me to be walking into a vampires den isn't it?"
She gave me a coy look. "I thought you were a thrill seeker?"
Something flashed in her one good eye, that thing that all vampires do to lure in their prey. It was a dead giveaway that something was defiantly wrong with the whole thing, but I didn't care. It'd been so boring lately, I needed a challenge.
"Well, my lady, when are we going?"
"Right after this song. I love this one. I think it's called Lover's End."
All of Riham's shrieking sounded the same to me but I nodded.
"It's lovely."
After the song was over she introduced me to her group. A male and a female named Seroth and Sefer. Vampires always had the stupidest names. Hers was Kerren though, which I didn't mind so much. We walked out of the club into the cold late summer night. As we walked back down the alleyway, the music faded and was replaced with the mechanical chirping of crickets. I knew I might not live to see the sun rise but I felt more alive than I had in months....

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Sundown (Part One) (Ruff Draft)

You just don't know man, you just don't know. If you haven't been to one of the sundown clubs, you really haven't lived. Of course you have to be un-dead, or a werewolf, or a demon on vacation from Hell to get in. I wouldn't suggest just walking in unless you know you fit in, if you know what I mean. I've seen people try to do it though. Oh man, it's never pretty. They get lured in by the loud music and hot girls out front, the idiots. Usually those same girls take them to a back room and drain all their blood out. Or they get torn apart in the pit in front of the stage. Me though, they know me. I'm not one of them, but they respect me. Well, maybe respect isn't the greatest word for it. Fear is a much better word. I've got a reputation, and thats pretty much what keeps my ass from getting killed when I go to these dives. That and I'm very good at what I do. What do I do exactly? I'm a tracker. But not like in the olden days when all of the damn scum were tracked down and killed like they deserved to be. Nah, now that the laws are in place that say any creature has a right to a fair trial, like they're actually human, you have to be selective. Plus, now that they can multiply as much as they want, there's too damn many of them. Nah, I'm a bounty hunter. Vampires killed your dog? Your sister get turned into a werewolf? Got the money to pay? Then I'm your man. I've got centuries of tracker blood in my veins and I'm not going to waste it like my father did. No no, I make a good living off of what I do. Plus, It's a Hell of a lot of fun....

My favorite dive is a little place off of Fifth Avenue. There's a back alley way entrance by Rob's Pawn Shop, that's really hard to spot but if you squeeze in and walk till you see a pair of steps leading to a basement door, you've found it. They've got the best band around playing there every night from dusk till the sun comes up. They're called Horrorshow and they tear the roof off the place every time.
It's a good place to get information, usually just from listening to bar talk, but I have my contacts too. I'm working on a pretty high profile case right now. High profile for me anyways. See, the town's got a new mayor and he decided to start cracking down on all the crime the scum have been committing since the dive bars became legal. That wasn't a very smart idea. A lot of the clubs he closed down were operated by vampire and Hell demon Mafia's. They make a very good living off these places and weren't very happy when they got shut down. A few weeks after a high profile bust, his teenage daughter vanished from her bedroom. The way her bedroom window was torn apart, they suspect a werewolf. But werewolves are terrible climbers. It's obvious some creature did it, and thats why they hired me. Cause I'm the best.
So I was sitting at the bar, listening to the band warm up last night right? It was early yet and there were a few demons drinking god knows what at the bar, and a few people that smelled like werewolves milling around in the corner booths. I ordered a beer with no blood, you have to ask for it specifically, and was nursing it when she walked in. Goddamn. If I didn't know she was a vampire and basically dead from the neck down, I'd have been all over her. She was the lead singer of Horrorshow and her name was Riham: Six foot two inches of pale un-dead gorgeousness. She saw me and walked over.
"Hello Tracker," She purred in the thick Russian accent that made my heart pound. "You come just to get information for case? Or maybe just to hear us play? Or did you come just to see me?"
She put her hand on my shoulder and squeezed and I could feel her sharp nails dig into my skin. I had to keep reminding myself not to look her in the eyes.
"Oh Riham, you should know you're not going to get me in one of those back rooms."
"Oh come on baby," She cooed and put her arms around me. "Just one leetle kiss?"
"Get your fangs away from my neck and I'll buy you a drink." I said, pushing her away.
She sat down. "Silly boy, you can't resist me, no man can. It's just a matter of time..."
"Well, if I ever want to commit suicide, I'll come find you..."
We talked for a bit as she sipped her drink of rum and cow's blood. It's supposed to be cow's anyways. You never can tell in those places.
She excused herself and walked across the pit to where her band was noodling around. A skinny, well-horned demon walked through the door with two vamps on his arms, followed by a group of drunk young werewolves and a nasty looking river creature. This was going to be an interesting night, yes indeed...