Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Late Night Playlist - Horror Movie Songs

Most of these songs are cheesy, but I don't care, I love them anyways.

1. AC/DC - Who Made Who (Maximum Overdrive)
2. J. Geils Band - Fright Night (Fright Night)
3. 45 Grave - Partytime (Return of the Living Dead)
4. The Big O - Monster Mash (Return of the Living Dead Part 2 (Original soundtrack version))
5. Lion - Love is a Lie (Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter)
6. Dokken - Dream Warriors (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors)
7. Rob Zombie - Pussy Liquor (House of 1000 Corpses)
8. Blind Willie Johnson - Dark was the Night, Cold was the Ground (The Devil's Rejects)
9. Emmylou Harris, Alison Krauss, and Gillian Welch - Didn't Leave Nobody but the Baby (Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? (Not a horror movie but this song always creeps me out))
10. Eric Weissberg with Steve Mandel - Dueling Banjos (Deliverance)
11. The Dickies - Killer Klowns from Outer Space (Live) (Killer Klowns from Outer Space)
12. Unknown Artist - The Gonk (Dawn of the Dead (1978))
13. ????????????????????????????

Saturday, September 25, 2010

The WORST ads ever made!

You may have been laughed at those gross and stupid diarrhea ads. You've probably been annoyed by the stupid loud kids in those awful pizza roll commercials. But I bet you haven't seen anything as jaw droppingly awful as these ads by the Massengil Company. Hold onto your hats...

It's not just the fact that they use the word douche *snicker* over and over, there's a weird surreality to these things that probably comes from the fact that nobody ever acts like the people in these ads do, not even in other ads.

Adding to the weirdness is some of the worst 80s clothes and hair ever. All of these spots reek of hair spray and sweater fuzz.

More comfortable slanted design? Why would that matter...oh.

I don't have enough personal experience with how lady parts work, but wouldn't having to clean your crotch with vinegar make you kind of a...skank? Especially when you have to use extra strength stuff? Correct me if I'm wrong.

But Massengil wasn't the only company putting these big balls of awkward on the TV in the 80s, oh no. Check out Summer's Eve:

Not as bad, admittedly. It seems like Massengil were the only ones doing mother/daughter ads. (The vid header says Summer's Eve, but it's not.)

I have no idea how to end this post. How about with a song?

(Sung to the tune of Que Sara Sara)

When I was a teenage girl
I said to my mother please
My crotch it feels gritty
What should I do?
Here's what she said to me:

Douche Sara Sara
Whenever it burns when you pee
The same thing it happens to me
Douche Sara Sara

When I was older I met a boy
Not the cleanest one you see
Now I have crabs
It's driving me mad
But I know just what I need...

Douche Sara Sara
Whatever happens to me
Douche Sara Sara
Now I feel fresh and clean
Douche Sara Sara

Now my children they're all grown
But I still sit them on my knee
I hand them a bottle
With a slanted nozzle
And I tell them tenderly...

Douche Sara Sara
Take some advice from me
Douche Sara Sara
If it burns when you pee!

Monday, September 20, 2010

Confessions of a Lonely Boy #1

New column! Hooray! Bleck. Here's my intro song.

It's housefly season here in good ole Michigan. They stayed away pretty much all summer, only making their annoying and disgusting presence known on rare occasions where they could easily be killed and disposed of. However, a couple weeks ago their population exploded and I'm about to lose it.
I hate houseflies. I hate them more than just about anything. They're the Hitlers of the insect world. Evil beings bent on driving me insane until I slit my wrists to get their annoying high pitched buzzing out of my head.
I hate the way that they wake me up in the morning by swarming my widow as soon as the sun shows it's face.
I hate the way they die and insist on leaving their bodies all over the floor for me to step on.
I hate that I can't turn a light on anywhere in the house without at least two swarming around it and driving me insane when I all I want to do is read.
I hate that I can't watch a movie without them rudely walking across the screen.
And I hate the fact that no matter how much I vacuum them up, live or dead, there's always more and they never go away. And just a casual reading of Wikipedia brings up why there's so many: "Each female fly can lay approximately 500 eggs in several batches of about 75 to 150." Jesus. That's a lot of damn flies. Even if you count the number that get eaten by birds, frogs, fish, and spiders that's still a lot of flies. You could kill them all day and they'd still be around, waiting to puke on your food when you're not looking or to at least walk on it with their shit covered feet. And yes, they do eat by puking up stomach acid and primarily eat shit and rotting garbage. Think about that next time you see one. And then smash the little fucker for me.

But anyways, I think the reason that I hate them the most is that they remind me of my own mortality. Their lives are just as dull and pointless as my life. They're born, they eat garbage, they mature and eat shit and more garbage, they fuck, procreate, and die. That's if they survive to do those things. And so what if they do? Their only purpose is to continue the species and provide food for other larger creatures. Humans may be smarter than all the other animals but we're still animals, nature still doesn't give a fuck about us. It's still a scrabble to survive, one that can be cut short whenever fate feels like it. It's just as much a crock of shit for us as it is for leeches and hag fish and bedbugs. I don't like to be reminded of it constantly.
So they're lying there with their little black bodies dead on the windowsill when I'm trying to make some food, or their pointlessly buzzing around my light when I'm trying to get into some book to escape my pointless dull life and their buzzing is a constant reminder of my own unavoidable death and it depresses me and makes me feel dirty at the same time. Plus they insist on dive bombing me like they really do hate me. You ever have one stuck in your hair and you can't get it out? Angrily buzzing as it tangles it self more and more and you just want to fucking die?
God I hate houseflies. At least my cat eats them. When he can catch them. And when he feels like it.

And no, I didn't miss the irony of them crawling around on the screen as I tried to watch The Fly tonight. Just in case you were wondering.

Mood: Annoyed
Current Fantasy Girl: Asia Argento
Current Song I Would Play for my Friends (If I Had Any): Butthole Surfers - Sweat Loaf

Early Morning Ramblings

I think I've been able to figure out where my attraction to red heads comes from:

Even though it's not a kid's movie, I distinctly remember watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit quite a few times as a kid. I remember the shoe getting dropped in the bucket of dip (one of the most disturbing things I can recall watching) and the ending when Judge Doom reveals that he's a toon and he starts shrieking.
I think I need to re watch it...

And here's a bar scene from another movie that I watched quite a bit when I was a kid:

The Great Mouse Detective is friggin' awesome, probably my favorite Disney movie. I think it's kind of over looked too, more people should see it. I mean, Vincent Price is a giant evil rat! And he sings! How could you not want to watch it?

Oh and how about this (from another underrated movie):

It's really kind of amazing to think that stuff like this would never fly now. I thought I was sheltered as a kid, but I think it's so much worse now. Or maybe with shows like Ren and Stimpy and Rocko's Modern Life I just had it too good. Sometimes I can't believe I miss the 90s, it's really pathetic.

So what train of thought brought this on? Well, I was reading today about how one of my favorite books, Fun Home by Alison Bechdel being banned from libraries, particularly in Utah, for it's frank sexual content. Not worse than you find in most books really but because Fun Home is presented in comic form (I hate the term "graphic novel") it was felt that kids could see it and be ruined forever by a few panels of nudity and lesbian sex. I think it's more homophobia than anything, mixed with the still lingering shreds of "comics are for kids" bullshit. Which, if the people complaining had actually bothered to read Fun Home would find that it's an incredible work of literature as well as a shockingly personal work of art. But it's been branded pornography, which really pisses me off. Sigh.

What else have I been reading? Well, It Rhymes With Lust, considered by many to be the first "graphic novel". (The cover calls it a picture novel.) Printed in 1950 but quickly sunk without it's publisher bothering to market it, it was re-printed a few years ago by Dark Horse. Is it worth a read? Well the writing is pure pulp, and I love that stuff but some people might be turned off by the flowery dialouge or the over dramatic plot, which I just funny. The real reason to check it out is Matt Baker's incredible black and white artwork. Baker was one of the few sucessful African American artists working in comics at the time and he drew females better than just about anyone during that period. (And after the comic's code, no one was drawing females like that at all!)
I've got Will Eisner's A Contract With God coming in the mail, which should be an interesing read.
I was trying to think last night what my favorite comics were (excluding webcomics) and I came up with a short list:

1. The Preacher Series by Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon
2. Fun Home by Alison Bechdel
3. Kraven's Last Hunt by J.M. DeMatteis and Mike Zeck
4. Yes, Alan Moore's Watchmen. Sigh. Is it cliche to put it here? Oh well, despite over exposure, it's still an awesome book.
5. Johnny the Homocidal Maniac by Johnen Vasquez
6. I Feel Sick by Johnen Vasquez
7. Milk and Cheese by Evan Dorkin (Seriously, if you haven't read any M and C comics yet, go check them out NOW!)
8. Frank Miller's Sin City
9. The Long Hallowen by Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale
10. The Killing Joke by Alan Moore

Too chliched? Eh, I'm working on it. I'm not too big on superhero comics, although I do love Batman and Kraven's Last Hunt (a Spiderman story) is friggin' incredible. I need some good recomendations though, if you guys have any.

As for webcomics I did recently discover Everydaycute which I like way more than I should. Despite my addiction to grisley horror movies and comics I still harbor a sickening love of the cute. I openly admit it, I am not proud.

But anyways, I am about to fall asleep at my keyboard. So goodnight to anyone that happens to be reading.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

What I'm Obsessed with Lately: Ancient Fast Food Ads

Before they got their asses sued off by Sid and Marty Krofft (look them up), McDonald's decided the best way to get kids to eat their food would be to create a fantasy land lorded over by several slightly creepy, but mostly retarded characters. None of which were rip-offs of a certain popular TV series. Not at all...

You know what most whimsical children's fantasy lands are really missing? Horrible tasting fast food! And evil four armed retarded whatsits.

Grimace was later changed into a good guy, of course. How? I'm guessing lobotomy, but then his level of super retardeness was toned down as well. Maybe they managed to cut out just the right part of his brain.

McDonald-land had two politicians who had head's made out of cheeseburgers. I wonder if any kids got kicked out for taking bites out of them? And no, I'm not following a creepy pedophile clown anywhere. Not even during a bad acid trip...

Another thing I've noticed with these ads is that there's never any parents present. Where did they go? The answer is simple: Ronald killed them. And he wears their skin at night when no one's around, dancing around the retarded trees under the full moon.

Here's how this ad would go if I were writing it:
Captain Crook: "How about a cheeseburger for me?"
Ronald: "Fuck you captain crook, you still owe me 50 bucks from last week's "how long can the hooker stay alive under water" bet.
Captain Crook: "Arrrr, that's me wife you're talking about..."

Captain Crook would later become The Hamburglar. By wearing his skin.

Here's some more stupid shit that only five year olds would laugh at! Eat our food until you puke!

Why is every character in McDonald-land retarded? The fucking bird can't even fly straight!
Hey, I've got an idea of how you can wake up Ronald: Shit on his face!
I'm a terrible person...

Lets get away from McDonald's for now and visit a place I would actually consider eating at:

Actually, I meant KFC, not the doddering old colonel's house. It probably smells like chicken grease and pee. Uck, I wouldn't lick my fingers. Not after touching anything in that place...

Colonel Sanders never looks quite right to me in these ads. His eyes are too small and close together and he can't even talk like a normal human being. What the fuck is "egg warsh?"
And he's a terrible dancer:

It might be so nice to feel good about a meal, but I'm guessing the Colonel probably couldn't feel much below the waist at that point...

Hey, you know who's a great dancer? MC Hammer!

*snicker* not really. And he couldn't rap worth a darn either.
And is this commercial slightly racist? Not really, because Hammer also shilled out for Taco Bell:

Also please note: never in the history of time outside of the early 90s were the hairstyles and fashions present in the above two ads allowable. Unless you're a hipster. And then you'd still look like a tool.

But lets get back to the 70s...

The narrator says "Colonel Sanders and his boys" despite the fact that the person that hands the old man the bucket is apparently a woman.
You will eat KFC or "The Colonel and his boys" will break every bone in your bodies. Dig?

Oh and remember how I said before that The Colonel had a hard time with a simple thing like talking? Well, check this out:

And he's not even drunk like Orson Welles!

Here's an ad that openly admits that eating fried chicken will make you fat:

Oh those wacky Australians with their fast food eating horses and sheep and their morbidly obese food addicted children! And I bet you thought all they had down there were toxic octopi and snails, Paul Hogan, and Vegemite sandwiches. Well,you were wrong!

Alright, lets finish this post with Willard Scott, who wants to sell you dolls in his likeness that he wants you to touch, possibly in inappropriate places:

Lets fast forward and check in with Willard now, shall we?

And I'm done. Alright, one more. Check out this ad for the first happy meal:

"Your kids will love them!" Or, more likely, "Sad 30 somethings who live in their parent's basements will love them! And collect every toy! And never ever get laid!"
I'm just kidding, I love all nerds. I kid because I love. Just don't come too close to me because you smell like ham.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Monsters in the Night

"When I was little I used to be scared
Of being alone at night.
I'd pull the blankets up over my head
And pray that the sky would get light...

But then my mommy sat by my bed
And said there was nothing to fear,
'Cause nothing scary went on in the night
And she and my daddy were near..."
-From The Sesame Street Library volume 2

They're coming for me
I can hear them scratching at the baseboards
Like little mice, but with long sharp nails
Trying to get out
Trying to get into our world
Trying to get at me
What will the do when they find me?
What do they want?
The scratching is in my head
It rings in my ears
It makes my eyes water
I can't sleep
All I can do is lie here in the dark
Covering my ears
Scratching lines down my face
Silently screaming so I don't wake the neighbors
But I can't make it stop
I can't make them go away...

When I was six there was a monster in my closet
He was a large man with long scraggly hair
He was always covered in blood
And sometimes he would have a knife
Or a baseball bat
I told my daddy about the monster
But he said I was being stupid
And he laughed
He laughed at me
But he wasn't laughing when he opened the closet
It's hard to laugh when your brains are all over the floor
I started laughing then
And I've never stopped...

My daddy is hurting my mommy
My mommy is crying
There is a loud noise
Like someone slamming a door
I don't hear mommy anymore
But I can hear daddy breathing
It's so loud
Even though he's in the other room
Now the door is open
Daddy is there
He looks at me
His eyes are too wide
And he's sweating really badly
Now he closes the door and walks away
I can hear the front door slam
I pull the covers up over my head
And try to sleep
Try to concentrate on the traffic outside
Instead of the awful quiet
But I don't think I'll ever sleep again...

Monday, September 6, 2010

Friday, September 3, 2010

Night Train to Yucca Flats

I hate you Coleman Francis
I'm glad that you are dead
Because your movies make it feel like
I've got a hole drilled in my head
And my brains are spilled all over the floor
I don't want to watch them anymore

Yucca Flats had Tor Johnson
Chasing kids with a stick
But your murky cinematography
Really made me feel sick
At least I would have been
If I wasn't asleep
Where did you learn to pace your films
You no talent worthless creep?

Red Zone Cuba has no Tor
You cast yourself in his place
I had to spend almost two hours
Staring at your ugly face
Two hours of nothing
A dreary sludgy mess
But John Carradine's singing
Was okay I guess

Where did you learn to edit?
Where did you learn to write?
Why do your scenes switch constantly
From night to day to night?
Why do you hate your audience?
And make them suffer pain?
What the Hell was wrong with you?
Was it something in your brain?

I hate you Coleman Francis
I'm glad that you are dead
Because your movies make it feel like
I've got a hole drilled in my head
And my brains are spilled all over the floor
I don't want to watch your movies anymore

I don't want to watch
I don't want to see
I don't want to watch
I don't want to see
But I still haven't seen Skydivers
Lord have mercy on me!