Thursday, December 10, 2009

Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,
Dude! I saw some pictures of your wife, and she's a damn fine chunk of woman! I know that you're like, a chubby chaser and everything, but are you a swinger too? I'd love to get me a piece of what you must be getting every night! Mmmm, just thinking about double teaming her is making me...gotta go, my mom needs to use the computer.
Peace bro, (hit me up sometime!)
Greg Malamarde (Age 35)

Dear Santa,
What the Hell kind of a shop are you running up there? All I asked for was a rocket launcher and for Obama to get cancer and die and what do I get? An air pistol that couldn't kill a squirrel! The fucking thing sucks! Burn in Hell you commie bastard!
Love,
Bill O' Rielly

Dear Santa (If that even is your real name, which I'm guessing it's not),
Enjoy your time on earth tricking kids into worshiping you. I hope you know that Hell is really hot and you're not going to be used to it because you live in such a cold climate. You can be saved though, just get on your knees and pray for God's forgiveness, that's it! It's that easy! Well, you also have to stop believing in evolution and instead of handing out heathen toys, start handing out tracts that are available for purchase on my website. Imagine all the souls you will save! If not, I hope Satan keeps an extra warm spot open for you!
Your friend in Jesus,
Jack Chick

Deara, Satna Claus,
You come to my house. You give me good presants. I leave you rice and Saki. You no leave reindeer poop on floor.
Much thankee you,
Asian Stereotype That Only speaks Broken English

Dear Santa Fish,
To leave a head open for you is my gift to the modern world. Someday we will all be able to fly. All we need is to spread our mayonnaise wings and soar up into the sun. No doubt they will all eat hay.
Mooky doo wop boom,
Zippy the Pinhead

Dearest Santa,
I didn't leave milk and cookies out for you this year. Instead I left blood. From my wrist. I cut it open with a shard from a My Chemical Romance CD that my older brother broke because he said I was a "fag" for listening to it. And I cried. A lot. I just want you to know that I love you and when you don't visit my house it makes me sad and when I get sad I hurt myself. So please bring me MCR's new album or I'll slit my throat. I swear I'll do it, I'm not kidding this time.
Love forever,
A creepy emo kid

Dear Santa,
Okay, all I really want is to be able to go back in time and enter the head of certain Nickelodeon executives (I think you know which ones (wink wink)). I want to convince them to let Invader Zim finish out it's second season story arc. If this is not possible then please at least let me kick one of them in the nuts for canceling Invader Zim before it could even really get started on the second season story arc. That would be great.
Your friend,
Kurdt Eastwood
PS. Oh yeah and if neither of the above options are possible, could I just have some nude photos of Kirsten Dunst? Thank you again!

Dear Santa,
Please shit in my mouth. I'll be in the bathtub all Christmas night waiting for you. Please eats lots of fast food so it's nice and runny just the way I like it. If you want to bring Mrs. Claus and some of the elves along, that would be great! The more the merrier I always say!
Love and kisses,
Rush Limbaugh

Dear Santa Fucktard,
Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls BallsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssBalls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls
Eat shit and die,
An Internet Troll
Ps. Balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls...

"In other news, Santa was found dead this morning after inquires were made as to why none of his presents were delivered. He was found in a closet in his workshop with a plastic bag over his head. Authorities have ruled it a suicide.
Coming up after the break: Chipmunks, do they really have psychic powers? One local woman claims they do. Her story is up next..."

2 comments:

Justin said...

You deserve at least 50 kudos for the Zippy.

John-Michael Morgan said...

Hilarious stuff, Kurdt.