Saturday, December 12, 2009

Skymall Sci-fi

Scenes from a Sci-fi story, illustrated with products from Skymall.

The turtle girls of the swamp planet Greeon are gathered around a campfire, one is telling a story that began a long time ago in a galaxy far far away...

The evil demon Rog is torturing the Princess Mahill.
"Let me go, you brute!" She yells, "When my father hears about this he'll..."
"He'll do nothing! The weak old fool!" He cackles, "Guards, bring out the princess's special welcoming gift!"

"Oh, no, not spiders from Rygel-5!" She screams when she sees the cage.
"Oh yes," Says Rog, smiling evilly, "Soon your brain will be nothing but a gooey mass of...gooeyness!"

The king send his foot-soldiers to rescue the princess, who are naked except for shoulder pads. Because they're cool like that. And also sort of gay.
Of course they are all killed easily because they have no armor and forgot their guns back on Foren and they were too far away to turn back.

The king sends out a rag-tag team of heroes to save the princess! Here we see second mate Beth opening the bay hatch to tell the captain that his microwave hot pockets are done.

Oh no, it's robo-kitteh, the most evil creature in the universe! He is watching the team's progress on a view screen and is not pleased. He swoops down in his ship and steals the princess for himself while the evil Rog and his henchmen stand and shake their fists.

Robo-kitteh turns the princess into Robo-girl. Together they will rule the universe!

The team lands on Gor's planet and fight their way through his evil castle, only to find the princess is gone! They start breaking Gor's Hummel figurines till he tells them what happened to the princess. But suddenly they're surrounded by guards and have a laser sword fight in the evil castle's kitchen!

Back on the ship the team relaxes by playing Sim-city, using their minds! Also, the wacky comic relief character Chozo eats too many Beezo-bars and shits all over view screen in the main cabin. Oh that Chozo, what a card!

A band of high priestess of the very hairy god Blarf are intersected floating through space in a much damaged ship. They are the only survivors from their planet which Robo-kitteh blew up because Joey got canceled. He really liked that show!
The captain has sex with all the priestesses in a long and very surreal scene sort of like in the tabernacle scene in Zardoz, only with not as much hairy man-butt.

They come up on Robo-kitteh's ship and blast it while our heroes beam aboard. After a long shoot out, the captain is captured and tortured. But our heroes persevere and he is rescued. Of course!

It's Robo-kitteh and Robo-girl, shoot man shoot! The evil hair-ball hacker and his new minion are destroyed, but something isn't right. The priestess are getting weird signals from this ship...

It turns out that Robo-kitteh was only being controlled by a small machine in the center of the ship. Our heroes try to destroy it but the priestess stop them. To destroy the machine would be to disconnect all the threads that hold the universe together. It must be preserved at all costs, despite the fact that it's dangerous and evil! They take it back to their ship, set in on the kitchen table and go to bed. In the dark, it glows ominously...

Our heroes are all turned into androids will they sleep. The End!

"Hey!" Complains one small turtle girl. "That story was stupid and you should feel bad!"
All the other turtle girls agree that it is and the story teller is cast out into the wild lands that surround the friendly secluded marsh where the colony lives. Her story is a story for another day...


Ian Andersen said...

Haha, this is hilarious, I can't even imagine these pictures looking reasonable in context especially the turtle suit monstrosity.

Kurdt said...

Skymall has so much ridiculous and expensive stuff, I always get a good laugh out of flipping through a catalog. But then I think about the fact that people are actually buying junk from it and it makes me sad.