Monday, December 21, 2009

Top 5 Stupidest Movie Monsters

You really don't get the same class of pathetic movie monsters nowadays that you used to get in the 50s and 60s. Here are my picks for the most jaw droppingly terrible half-ass creations.

5. Phantom Planet (1961) - The Solarites
Phantom Planet is a pretty standard sci-fi cheapie, one of about a billion that graced drive-in theaters through out the 1950s. Coming in at the tail-end of the sci-fi boom, the story of an astronaut who lands on a meteorite and shrinks (for some reason) and meets a tiny race of people, doesn't have much to offer other than a few unintentional laughs. Most of those come at the expense of the movies villains, the dog-faced Solarites. The things look like sad puppies rather than the fearsome monsters they were supposed to be.

On a nerdy note, The Solarites are played by Richard Kiel who would go on to bad movie infamy as the cave man Eegah in the movie of the same name. Oh and he also played Jaws in Moonraker and Adam Sandler's boss in Happy Gilmore. ("And you can count, on me, waiting for you in the parking lot!")

4. Teenagers from Outer Space (1959) - The Gargons
TfOS is one of my very favorite crappy movies. Despite the fact that it's bone headed and cheap in every way possible, it manages to generate an odd innocent charm. An alien named Derek (seriously) comes to earth with several other not-teenagers bent on finding a reliable place for their Gargon herds, their main food source, to grow. The Gargons are lobsters. Not lobsters covered with anything to disguise the fact that they're lobsters. They're just lobsters in cages. The best part, however, is when one gets out and it's lobstery shadow stalks our heroes. It's special effects failure at it's best and one reason why I love TfOS so much.

3. El Sonido de la muerte (Sound of Horror) (1964)- Invisible Dinosaur
You probably haven't heard of this one since it's undeservedly obscure. A group of people are trapped in a house after an artifact expedition into the neighboring mountains lets a monster loose! Oooh, scary! However we never actually get to see the monster since it's invisible! It might seem like a novel idea for a movie since you can't see the crappy cardboard creature that these movies usually present and you have to use your imagination, but the movie is so laughably stupid and cheap that it screams desperation on the part of the film makers when they realized they had no money for a decent looking monster. Oh yeah, they eventually kill the monster by setting it on fire and it's revealed to be...a stupid looking cardboard dinosaur. Go figure!

2. The Creeping Terror (1964) - Space Slug
So whats more laughable than an invisible dinosaur? How about a giant space slug made out of rotted carpet and old blankets that moves slower than a stoned snail that still manages to eat stupid teenagers? Creeping Terror is a legendarily bad movie that really has to be seen to be believed. On top of the stupid looking monster there's the ever present narration that had to be used since most of the original audio tracks were dumped in a lake and some of the worst white people dancing ever put on film. The monster is really just the topping on the cake for this one, the whole thing is hilariously terrible.

1. Godmonster of Indian Flats (1973) - The Godmonster
Surprisingly, the worst monster ever put on film isn't from the 50s or 60s. The stupidest looking most illogical hunk of rotted carpet ever to menace a small western town is the Godmonster, from a mid 70s film so bad that it couldn't find a distributer and rotted away in obscurity till it was put on DVD by the Schlock mavens at Something Weird Video. It's pretty amazing to think about a movie so bad that the 70s drive-in distributors would't touch it considering all the awful crap that got put on those giants screens for horny teens to make out in front of but it really is that terrible. The Godmonster is a killer sheep that looks like a retarded muppet made out of rotted trash pile carpet. He lumbers around scaring kids and eating their hot dogs, dances with a hippie chick, and eventually knocks over a fuel pump at a gas station causing it to blow up. Then he's captured and...I'm not really sure what happens as the ending is so bat-shit insane that it's hard to tell. But most of the movie doesn't even concern the stupid looking thing. Most of the movie is about a racist sheriff that's trying to frame a black business man for murder. Seriously. Everyone needs to see this movie just to marvel at it's incredible awfulness, to shake their heads in wonderment that such a thing could exist.

Honorable Mentions

The Killer Shrews (1959) - The Shrews
Aww, wook at da puppies! And wook at all the cute carpet someone put on you! Is you trying to look scary? Is you? I think you is! Dats adorable!

The Giant Gila Monster (1959) - The Gila Monster
Are you really surprised that this was made by the same guy that made The Killer Shrews? Watch in terror as the monster slowly waddles around and wrecks a model train set! Scream in terror as it ruins the good time of our hip young teens at a dance hall! Wince at the awful awful songs sung by the films hero!

The Being (1983) - The Being
I'm not quite sure what it is, but it's darn stupid looking all the same. I pretty much just wanted to include one 80s movie here.

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Anonymous said...

I'm surprised you didn't have the marauding obese dude from "The Best of Yucca Flats" or the monster from a Mexican movie called "Night of the Bloody Apes."

Anonymous said...

Oh, and just in case you think I'm shitting you about "Beast of Yucca Flats":