Thursday, November 19, 2009

Dumm Fan Fiction

Apologies to all the Dumm Artists, past and present.

Skadi squinted her eyes against the falling darkness and looked down the sloping plain. She had walked all day but the mountains far off in the distance never seemed to get nearer, the blasted empty plain she had been trekking on seemed endless. Plus she hadn't seen any animals to eat for days. Her stomach grumbled and she looked down at her squat gray traveling companion. She had thought about eating him before when no other beasts could be found for consumption, but she had already crossed Bushbeasts off her list long ago and he was good to use as a shield in a pinch. She shivered and crossed her arms across her chest. Darn old blasted plain was cold! She looked down at Diseasoid again. His fur looked mighty warm...
He looked up at her questioningly and she sighed. He wouldn't be a very good slave without any skin, she reasoned. Without a word she started walking again towards the mountains and her disease ridden companion followed at her heels...
She didn't realize he was gone till she came upon an odd looking leafless plant. Sitting on one of it's woody branches was a fuzzy little worm. Skadi licked her lips and her stomach growled. Another one to cross of her list! When she tried to grab it, however, it snarled and snapped at her fingers. Hmmm, that wasn't good. She'd have to stab it with something first. She put her arm behind her and motioned for her slave to hand over something stabby from the pile of sharp stabby things he carried. When nothing was forthcoming she turned around confused. All that she could see was the dark blasted plain stretched out beneath the moonlit night.
Anger rose up in her. How dare he run off? When she found where he ran off to, he would pay! Oh how he would pay! Nobody escaped from Skadi, nobody! She stomped off the way they had come....
Skadi opened her eyes to a roaring fire and a strange creature seated in front of it. Diseasoid was there too, roasting a sausage. She sat up in anger, ready to pummel him but the pain in her head made her calm down. She had missed seeing the hole in hole in the ground too late. Stupid rookie wanderers mistake. She crawled over to the fire, sat cross legged, and looked at the strange creature. Diseaseoid offered her a sausage and she stuffed it into her mouth hungrily.
The creature did not speak, but appeared to be in some sort of meditative state. He was a black dog-like thing wearing rather beat up looking robes. Skadi scrabbled around in the darkness outside the fire till she found her weapons bundle and pulled out a pointy stick. With her tongue set firmly in the corner of her mouth, she set about reaching over the fire to poke the thing....
It must be a deep state of meditation, she thought as she poked several holes in it's head, watching as the blood flowed down it's face. Maybe it was talking to it's gods? Frustrated she lifted the stick up and give the creature a mighty smash on the top of the head.
"Garduno cormican rice swarr!" It screamed as it woke up. It looked around the underground cave in surprise.
"Whats dis?" It said, puzzled. "I has veesitors!" It looked at Diseasoid. "And one of dem is eating my sooply of sausages!"
Angrily it leaped over the fire with teeth bared to attack the harbinger of all disease and filth. Skadi watched as it fruitlessly chewed on Diseasoid's head, who merely shrugged in confusion.
Suddenly it stopped and fell off, lying on the ground in a heap. It's breath came in wheezing gasps and multicolored spots appeared all over it's body.
"That was stupid. You know you're going to die now right?" Said Skadi, not moving from where she sat.
"Can I at leest see yer boobs?" It wheezed.
"Mention my boobs again strange creature of strangeness, and you'll find yourself fueling this fire." She looked at it confused. "Where'd you get the wood for this anyways?"
The thing turned on it's side and vomited. "Dat's not important now. What's important is dat you heer my story. It ess a long sad tale, full of misery and woe and..."
"Boring!" Skadi interrupted, taking another bite of sausage.
The thing wheezed. "I once had money and riches! I once had a nice house in de suburbs and a bootiful wife! I once had..."
As he spoke his voice took on a hypnotic tone and Skadi found herself transported to a strange new land...
The translation of the spell book was almost complete which was a good thing since it was almost three in the morning. Kimbo had to go to work in three hours. He'd most assuredly be fired after dropping some old ladies expensive lamp but he hated being a furniture mover anyways. One last word, but it was a doozy. Corrozahorvathgemmill? What the Hell did that mean? It was frustrating because with just one more word the portal to an alternate dimension would open! Two worlds would be linked! He'd be hailed as supreme smart guy and given lots of medals and awards and fancy pants. He looked down at his own pants. They were so not fancy that it made him sad. He refocused on the word and the translation key. So close...
A knock came from the lab door and it opened a crack. A voice spoke.
"Kimbo, honey? Come back to bed. I don't want you to get fired again. Remember last time when they shut the power off and all the food in the fridge went bad and we had to resort to making our own booze out of wallpaper glue and selling it to that smelly sailor drunk that lived down by the docks?"
Ah Vespula. He loved her more than anything. Well, almost anything. He ignored her and eventually she stopped talking and went away.
"Dats how you solve problems!" He said to himself and refocused on the spell book.
One word, one stupid little word....
With a blinding flash in his head, he had it. It was all so simple now. He chuckled, then laughed, then broke out into a loud evil cackle as he yelled the mystery word out loud...
Skadi snapped out of her trance and looked down at the dog-thing who's hood had fallen off, revealing it's weird looking ears.
"The portal opened up and I came to dis land to find nothin' but pain and misery. I've been chased and almost eatin' by so many things but I survived. And now you come heer wif your little gray friend and ya find a way ta off me! It's not fair I tells ya! Oh Vespula honey, I is coming to meet ya in dat big dinner theater show in da sky. Oh sweet death I open my..." WHAM!
Skadi's club came down hard on his head, crushing it and scattering brain and maggots all over the floor.
She looked down at the thing. Well this part of the adventure had been pointless. She couldn't eat this thing because it was diseased as well as boring. She looked at Diseasoid.
"Give me sausages!" She barked.
"Awl grown." He shrugged in reply.
Skadi frowned. She had to check another creature off her list, she just had to. Suddenly a squeaking from the corner caught her ear...
The two mice were quite tasty and they cooked up well. Funny how they were wearing little clothes though. One of them had a little dress on and the other had on some sort of strange pants. It wasn't as weird as that raccoon with the frog suit she had eaten last month though...

6 comments:

Ian Andersen said...

That ending was great, at first I thought Diseasoid was eating Kimbo's sausage ears when Skadi woke up.

John-Michael Morgan said...

This was really good. I've read other fan fics (of anime and such) and...let's just say it was an interesting read.

Nice job, Kurdt!

Kurdt said...

Thanks guys!

I've read quite a few horrible fan fictions for various things.
Whatever you do, do not read Invader Zim fan fiction. You'll want to stab your brain with a pencil to make yourself forget it exists.
I never realized so many people wanted Zim and Dib to do each other. Uck.

Ian Andersen said...

Yeah, fan fiction has a TERRIBLE reputation, from my understanding at least 90% is weird sex pairings, "Oh god what just happened?! Does Pikachu even have a sexual orifice?!"

Teela B said...

First, great little story, I even read it twice. :D

Second, Ian Andersen that quote about Pikachu need's to be in somebody's signature for that is just hysterical.

Kurdt said...

Thanks Teela, glad you liked it!

I think it Ian's line would work great if you ever wanted to get out of a boring conversation.

Boring guy: "So there I was at the insurance seminar giving this speech on rates and price increases..."
You: "Oh god what just happened?! Does Pikachu even have a sexual orifice?!"
Boring guy: "....."