Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Kurdt Reads Chick Tracts - The Warning

All comics stolen from Jack Chick's home on the web.

Danger! High Voltage!

All comics should start with a horrible car crash. It'd make Ziggy a heck of a lot more interesting anyways...

So to teach your grandkid a lesson you took him a grisly car wreck? Methinks that grandpa is going to get put in a home soon...

Umm, no. It's not that he didn't believe in warning signs, it's that he chose to ignore one. There is a difference. And a stop sign isn't a warning sign anyways, it's a command sign. Legally, you don't have a choice whether you want to stop or not.
Am I the only one getting Troll 2 flashbacks with Grandpa Seth there?

Grandpa kept that barbed wire in that drawer along with his lawn darts and autographed Charles Manson photo...

Someone found a new swimming hole? Hooray! Man, I would not want to live in a town where that's a huge thing. Also, that pig looks stoned.

Gah! What the Hell is wrong with that kid's face? I suppose it's a pretty good representation of a backwoods, it's just an awful drawing. This page is also very funny if you change the first dialogue balloon to "I gots some sexy chickens that we's can fuck."
Please also note the appearance of Fang the Dog. He's a reoccurring character in Chick Tracts, for some odd reason.

I'm having Children of the Corn flashbacks! A Chick Tract devoted to He Who Walks Behind the Rows would be pretty awesome, actually.
But wait, they said "Nobody lives out here anymore." That means that someone did live out there, thus someone had to now about the swimming hole. How the heck could they have just found it? And it wouldn't exactly be new either. I'm thinking too hard about this...

Well at least that first panel is accurate. Every "No Trespassing" sign that I've ever seen has at least two bullet holes in it.
Also, this is a pretty good set up for a horror movie.

"Hey guys, I'm stuck!" "Too Bad!" Typical Jack Chick dialogue and characterization. People who do bad things really don't give a crap what happens to fellow members of the human race in Chick's world.
Oh and

I guess BP owns this land. Either that or this is the nastiest stagnant water on the face of the earth.
"Wow, look at that!" It's water! Hooray!
And nice job putting the "No Swimming" sign on ONE SIDE OF THE POND! It also kind of negates the whole message of ignoring signs that Chick is trying to put forth.

Snake! Snake! Oooh, it's a snake! Sorry, I had to do it.
Damn oil snakes, they're the worst!
This page is out of order, it should be after the next one. Maybe it's a mistake or maybe Chick just doesn't know how to plan a story out. I'm guessing the latter.

From the look on his face, he already came. Heh heh. Sorry, that was terrible.
I know that he wouldn't (and probably shouldn't) have them swimming naked, but he could have at least given them shorts. Swimming in long underwear would suck so very very bad.

I love this panel. The kid yelling "Stay away! It's full of SNAKES!" Combined with Tommy's sweat strewned "guh?" face, makes me laugh every time.
This is also a good time to bring up the question of "Are there really ponds out there full of poisonous snakes ready to kill stupid kids that decide to go swimming?" And if so, why wouldn't the people who own the land do something about it? True, this is supposed to be abandoned property, but then who put up the signs? Why didn't Chick just make it about kids messing around in a rock pile somewhere, you know, WHERE SNAKES ACTUALLY CONGREGATE?

This preacher is an asshole. "Yup, these three boys died an awful, tragic, and very painful death, lets change the subject to something only marginally related, shall we?"

Actually no, it wasn't Satan that was planning to destroy Adam and Eve, it was God. God was the one who put the tree there and told them not to touch it, knowing full well that they would since he's FREAKING GOD! He's omnipitent so he would also have to know about Satan, who he would also have to have created. Where else would he have come from and why would God let him stay in the garden? The Old Testament makes no sense until you realize that God is an evil character that only wants pain and suffering for his creations. Because he loves them.
And it says "Eve would become like God" not "a god" since there was only one. Get your scripture right Chick!

God is supposed to be all powerful, if he wanted to he could reverse what happened and fix his fuck up. He didn't want to. Everything is according to his plan and will, all the wars and pestilence and disease are his fault. Those souls that are burning in Hell are burning because he wants them there. God and satan are one and humanity is doomed. There, it's simple. I should make my own tracts. I think I'd be able to draw better than Chick anyways...
In my head that preacher comes floating in from the right side of the panel. It must be cold in the inky black void he lives in.

This page also needs a soundtrack:
This kid is more choked up about what this preacher is saying then having seen his friends get murdered by snakes. Thats kind of fucked up.

This is the point in every Chick Tract where you go "Alright, we've had our fun laughing at the awful art work, the bullshit contrived plots, and insane Christian conservative beliefs, is this thing over yet?" No, no it's not.
That preacher reminds me of someone, I just can't put my finger on it. Anyone see any resemblences?

Umm, preacher? I thought this was a funeral service? You know, the very tragic death of three young boys? Remember? Oh well, they were back woods trash anyways.
Tommy: "I thought Jesus died for our sins? Doesn't that mean I can sin all I want and just pray for forgivness right after?"
Preacher: "Shut up Tommy or I'll make you stay late with Preacher Mike and his Roman fingers..."

It's a good thing that they suddenly rememberd they had a funeral to finish.
That kid's face is really messed up in that second panel. I guess the joy of loving Jesus disfigured him.
And if your heart is really dirty, I'd suggest seeing a doctor pretty damn quick. People die from that sort of thing you know.

So, from this one story that his senile old grandpa told him, the little boy was conned into giving all his allowance money to the church and spent many happy hours with the rev in his back office, until the police put a stop to it. Is that the end yet? Nope.

Blah blah blah blah blah....THE END!

Alright, so if you want me to do another one of these, please say so in the comments section. Or if I've gravly offended you and you want to rip my heart out and stomp on it, or if you have any suggestions or critisims at all, please comment. I need your comments more than water or air!

I'll leave you with this song, which should be the theme for every Chick Tract ever:


Justin said...

Yeah man, go ahead and do another one! Your observations on these are pretty hilarious

Anonymous said...

Awesome work, man! You really should've brought it home with a "THIS COMIC SUCKS" at the end.

Seriously, though: these observations are so true and awesome. I think I might go and do something like this. If you don't mind me ripping you off kind of.

Kurdt said...

@John: Yeah, go right ahead! I get to do the Jack Chick Angels comic though. That puppy is mine!