Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Thomas Kinkade's Cavalcade of Whimsy

We open on a montage of Thomas Kinkade's paintings, with Kenny G's Songbird as the musical opening theme. We settle on a painting of a cabin as the music fades away. The title reads Thomas Kinkade's Cavalcade of Whimsy in soft white letters. We then fade out and in to a portly man sitting on a living room couch, surrounded by Kinkaid paintings. He has a poofy moustache and he is smiling a bit too wide. His beady eyes reveal a not all together pleasant sense of the man that lives behind them.
Man (with a thick southern accent): Hey y'all and welcome to my show! Who am I? I am just the goddamn best selling painter in the the whole fucking world! Thomas Mother Fucker Kinkaide.
He slaps both his knees and chuckles
And Don't you forget it!
He points menacingly at the camera and then smiles again.
Kinkade: Today We're going to have a lot of fun and you're going to buy a lot of my merchandise! But first, I have some business to take care of.
He pulls a Picasso and a Rembrandt from behind the couch.

K (Shouting): These bastards think their better than me. Don't you, you stupid sons a bitches? Well I got news for you Mergatroide, I am the best painter that ever lived. No one comes into my house and tries to steal my crown! Take this!
He then proceeds to stomp up and down the paintings before unzipping his fly.
K (Peeing): Oh yeah, how do you like that?
He finishes and zips up his fly.
K: (Looking at the camera again): I paid 2 million for those paintings and it was worth every penny! But now I've got something really special to show you folks at home!
He walks into his kitchen and sits down at the table. He picks up a knife that has a painting of his on the handle.
K: Now, I've got a little contest for you people at home. And all of you should be watching. Uncle Kinky wants you to find anyone that isn't watching this show right now and stab them in the face with a soldering iron. You will get Kinkaide points when you get to heaven. Now then! What was I talking about?
He looks puzzled for a bit and then looks down at the knife and jumps a bit in his chair.
K: Oh, okay! I remembers now! My contest! (Chuckles). This summer I'm coming to one of your houses. You won't know what time it is or what day I'm just gonna show up! And if you don't have any of my merchandise prominently on display, (Gets a serious look on his face) I'm going to kill you and your whole fucking family!
He laughs again and swings the knife around his head.
K: Now, I've got some products that you sure a shit are gonna buy. (Lower voice almost a growl) Don't get me angry. (Happy again)
K: You're about to get a peek into my super secret workshop! (Low voice) But remember, it's a secret! (Yells) SO DON'T TELL ANYONE!
We fade out and back into a basement room. There's rows and rows of artists sitting at easles, chained to the floor. They're painting bright landscapes and whimsical cabins. They look dirty and malnourished.
K: This is my secret workshop! This is where alllllllll the magic happens! Lets chat a bit with one of my helpers, shall we?
He swings his arm wide at the camera and then walks over to one of the artists, and puts his hand on his shoulder.
Artist: (Jumps) Oh, oh, uh, Mr. Kinkaid sir, I'm um almost finished with...
K: Why is this not done yet?
A: I'm, I'm working as fast as I can. I need food, I don't' have any energy to fin...oh God, I'm gonna die here! (Sobs)
Kinkaid frowns and looks mad. He scans the picture for a long time.
K: (Grabbing the easel.) This is crap! Pure trash! And you know what we do with trash?
A: N-n-no Mr. Kinkaid, sir!
K: We live in the trash we create!
He slams the painting on the artists head, who falls off the chair and lies still on the dirty floor. Kinkaide approaches another artist.
K: Lets see what we have here....hmmm.
Artist: It's...It's not finished yet Mr. Kinkaide, sir.
Kinkaide grabs the painting and stares at it. He shrugs his shoulders.
K: Eh, good enough.
He throws the painting into a huge pile of easels in the middle of the room.
K: (Yelling) BOSTWICK!
A very malnourished looking man in a business suit comes shuffling in as fast he can. He looks like a younger Mr. Burns and he talks like Peter Lorre.
Bostwick: Yes, sir, what is your wish today?
K: (Points) Take those down to the lab and have them made into steins and shower curtains.
B: Yes, master (Shuffles away and comes back with a large wheelbarrow. He starts loading the paintings in, in the back ground. As Kinkaide address the camera.
K: Now that you've seen the wonders of my shop, lets look at some products!
Artist: (In the background) Ummmm, can I have some food now?
K: (Angrily) No, not till you give me some quality work! Don't make me get my whimsical cane!
We fade out and back in on the living room. Those several objects on the table.
K: Now there's several objects that I want you to buy. (Mad) And you will buy them. (Growls) (Happy again) The first piece is this beautiful porcelain dildo. Look at that, isn't that lovely?
The shaft of the dildo has a Kinkaid landscape on it, the head is a whimsical cabin.
K: And it vibrates! (Chuckles) For when you've got an itch that only Kinkaide can scratch.
He puts the vibrator on the table and picks up a brightly painted S&M mask.
K: Now this is for when your kids are bad! Ya just put it on their head, shut the zipper and lock it with my trademarked Kinkaide padlock, Like this. And your child will learn his place while also learning about the world of art! See, it even has a painting on the inside!
He turns it inside out, there is. He picks up another objects, it looks almost like a flashlight but it has a strange looking end.
K: Now this here is the pride and joy of Kinkaide labs. I call it the, whimsicator! Now to really test this baby out, we need to go out on the town and find a someone to test drive it for us! Lets go!
We fade out to Kinkaide lurking in the bushes watching a shirtless sweaty man pushing a lawn mower. He jumps out of the bushes at the man.
K: (Chuckles) You're on the Cavalcade of Whimsy dude! And you're going to test drive one of my fine products!
Man: I am?
K: Of course you are! And if you don't I'll tell your wife about that little thing you've got going with your daughters slutty friend. You know, the one that wears the pigtails all the time...
Man: (Scared) I'll do anything you say! Please for the love of god...
K: (Pats him on the back) Of course you will. (Turns to the camera) Now for the folks at home, here's how you use the Whimsicator!
He points it at the lawnmower and flips a switch. The top opens and shoots a beam of pastel light. It hits the lawnmower and suddenly it's made of porcelain and has a lightly colored forest painted on it.
Man (Forcing a smile): That's um...that's great! (Laughs nervously) Um, is this thing still gonna work?
K: No way in Heck! But now it's a collectors item! And watch this!
He points the thing at the guy's house which transforms into a whimsical cabin. Kinkaide laughs and runs around laughing turning the trees into cookie cutter chocolate box art.
Man: (With his jaw wide open) Oh my sweet Jesus!
K: And it works on people too!
He points the beam at the man and hits the button. Suddenly the man is wearing leiderhosen, wooden shoes, and a funny German hat. Kinkaide looks down at the thing.
K: (Puzzled) Ah shit, I've got this thing stuck on Hummel!
He starts hitting the bottom of the thing and it shoots a beam of light into the sky, which transforms into pastel blues and oranges and reds.
K: (Scared) Oh shit, better jet!
As he runs off back onto the bushes the man takes a peek down his pants.
Man: (In a thick Swedish accent) Vhere did mah genitals go?
We fade back into the living room, Kinkaide is sitting on the couch, the knife is still in his hand.
K: That's all for today folks, and remember, buy my art, or I'll fucking kill you!
He starts waving the knife around and slices the side of his neck open. He rubs some blood on this fingers as it runs down his neck and soaks into his shirt.
K: Ah crud, accidents happen. Too bad I can't use this for my paintings, it's too bright! But I do use a whole lot of urine!
He points the knife at the camera.
K: Okay Teddy, shut that thing off. (Angrily) I said shut it off!
Teddy: (From behind the camera) (Scared) I can't uncle T!
K: (Getting up and advancing towards the camera with the knife) Why you incompetent...
We hear a scream and the camera gets knocked over. We can see Kinkaide chasing around a teenager with long hair, who is screaming his head off.
K: Get back here, so I can carve a whimsical cabin on your back!
We fade away to the same montage of paintings and Kenny G.

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