Saturday, December 25, 2010

13 Ways to Make Your Christmas Less Depressing

So it's Christmas eve, and you're all alone. Your girlfriend dumped you last week and the only presents you've recieved were a pair of ugly looking socks from your mother. Nobody loves you, not even your cat which left a nice big vomity present under your scraggly tree. But don't put that noose around your neck yet! There's lots of good ways to make your holiday season less suicidally grim! Such as...

1. Go out and buy booze for all the homeless people in your neighborhood. Then invite them to a huge party in front of the local police station.
2. Take a local child from a broken home and look for a Christmas tree. But don't buy one, there's trees all over! Just make sure that if you hear a motor running or gunshots that small children do not make very good body shields. Conk him out with a piece of wood and run!
3. Find that one kid in the neighborhood that you really can't stand (preferably from a broken home) and buy him the coolest looking toy ever. Then eat it in front of him.
4. Take a bunch of dogs and cats from the local animal shelter and set them loose in a local elementary school. The kids will shit themselves with joy!
5. Cheer up a child from a broken home by giving his mom some money. Preferably from the window of a vehicle while she is standing on a street corner.
6. Decorate your boss's office with fake snow. Make sure to get every inch covered!
7. Take those socks you got and make funny hand puppets. Put on a show for some local children from broken homes that explains why there are poor and their parents drink all the time. It's because they exist.
8. Hug everybody you see for one whole day. And you feel so inclined, kiss them too! On the mouth. For a very long time.
9. Create a new Christmas character: Santa no pants! Go around to various broken homes and do your funny Santa no pants dance.
10. Visit the local old folks home. Bring your hand puppets. Refuse to leave until you've make each old person smile at least once. If the puppets fail, bring out Santa no pants!
11. Go on Facebook and post that you are going to kill yourself. Lots of people will come over to your house then!
12. Christmas music should be played loudly and at very early hours of the morning. This works well if you live in an apartment!
13. Kidnap a child from a broken home and keep him in a closet. Feed him nothing but candy canes and eggnog till he turns into an jolly Christmas elf. If he dies before that, quietly return him to the broken home from whence he came...

There, now your Christmas will be bright and gay! Hey, put down those razorblades!

1 comment:

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