Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Annoying People I Have Known or Why Won't They Leave Me Alone?

High School

The Arm Grabber
This person insisted on grabbing me by the arm to steal my attention to blab on and on about stupid shit that I cared not an iota for. I generally tried to avoid this person but sometimes he would come out of nowhere and bore me to tears by telling me a long story about something his Dad did or by recapping every single thing that happened in whatever lame TV show he watched the night before while I desperately tried to find a way to escape. He didn't smell too pretty either but it was a plus because on some days it helped to know if he was near, thus making avoidance easier.

The Uber-Nerd
This person latched onto me because he really had no other friends and I wasn't going to be a jerk and tell him to go away. He picked his nose in front of me and popped zits on the back of his neck in class but he let me borrow Zelda 64 and a bunch of Star Wars books. The bad thing was that he insisted on telling me every single plot twist in the game and forced me to play Star Wars cards even though I had never played before. Then he gloated about how badly he was beating me. I felt bad for him but I was also a little embarrassed to be around him because he was always picking at his crotch.

The Thief
This is another person that latched onto me because he had no other friends and I was too much of a nice guy to tell him off. I felt bad for him till it turned out he was stealing money from me and most of my other friends, then I got mad and rubbed potatoes in his hair at lunch and threw all the junk out of his locker into the hall. Ah high school, the only time you can really be a jerk and get away with it...
One time he came over to my house and stayed in the bathroom with the door locked for like an hour. No sounds emanated from within, no toilet flush, no hand wash, nothing. It really freaked my mom out.

The White Trash Girl
Sigh. I was a magnet for the friendless. I suppose it was because I was so quiet and generally tried to keep to myself. None of my real friends liked her and she smelled like smoke, plus she was dating The Arm Grabber which really freaked me out. Still, she was a girl who talked to me, which was rare. She moved away after about a year. I still wonder what happened to her...


The Racist
He was an alright guy till we were driving around one day and he confided in me that he disliked black people. A lot. Then he proceeded to explain in great detail why while I squirmed uncomfortably. He wasn't very bright either. Got shipped to another base shortly after.

The Gangsta Wannabe
Not too bad of a guy. He came over to my room and stole my Internet a lot but also gave me rides into town when I needed them as I had no car. I found his constant tough guy posing pretty funny since he was about 200 Lbs of fat and smoked like a chimney. One time he tried to get me to look at a video he had on his cell phone of him having sex with some random girl. That one second blip I caught before I shut my eyes is still burned into my brain.

The Awful Roommate
Very very fat and smelled like garbage. I had to room with this person when I was sent overseas. He snored so loud people down the hall could hear him with their doors shut. I came very close to breaking and stuffing socks down his throat. Coming home after a 12 hour shift and walking into a cloud of his stink wasn't very pleasant either. He went home halfway through my deployment and I was very happy. Replaced with...

The Dumbass
I have never met anyone so obliviously brain dead in all my life. On top of being stupid, he was a compulsive liar. One time he offloaded this story on me about how his dad trained attack dogs which lead to a story about how he had killed a wolf while out in the woods camping with his bare hands. Then he showed me a tiny scar on his knuckle as proof. One time my other roommate come home from work early to find him sitting naked, talking on the phone, on a foot locker he had been warned not to touch. It's a good thing the Sargent was a nice guy as he was also large and muscled and could have easily punched the moron's head in. Not that that would have been a bad thing...

Now it's your turn to tell some stories! I wants to hear about people you've had to deal with that you'd rather not have ever met. The healing begins here...

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