Thursday, August 27, 2009

Kiddie TV Show

"Hello Kiddies and welcome back to channel 666's Children's afternoon matinée with me, your old pal Uncle Bob!"

(Uncle Bob is a shabbily dressed middle aged man with dimestore ghoul makeup poorly applied to his face. He sits at what looks like two card tables put together, covered with a black cloth. You have the sneaking suspicion that he's not wearing pants. The set looks like it's someone's basement.)

(Uncle Bob belches loudly and laughs) "If you're just joining us the movie you missed was Cannibal Ferox. Oh boy was that a corker! (He slams his hand on the table) Those Italians sure could make a great movie, I tell ya! What'd you think of it Pooty?"

(The camera swerves to the left side of the basement and we see another middle aged man wearing a filthy sweat stained clown costume, holding a bottle of Thunderbird. He takes a swig of it and coughs before looking blearly across the room)
"It was fucking awful." (He takes another swig and the camera switches back to Uncle Bob.)

"Oh, you're just mad because you caught your wife with your dog."

(Some undecipherable yelling comes from off camera, followed by more loud coughing)

"Well kids, it seems like Pooty the Clown isn't feeling well today but I'm as chipper as a fucking fiddle, ha HA! (Slams the table again) Before we get to the next movie lets read some fan mail! Ha ha ha ha HA!"
(He pulls a box out from under the table and digs out a letter)
(Reads) "Dear sick-fuck. I caught my little Andy watching The Driller Killer last week and after I smacked him good upside the head and chained him back up in his basement cage, I watched the rest of the movie myself. It was awful! How dare you show such junk on TV! To top it all off Andy brought a power drill to school yesterday and took a chunk out of his teacher's spine! It's all your fault! You should be shot! Eat shit and die!
Mary from Michigan

(Uncle Bob laughs and shoves the letter into his mouth. He chews it up and spits it into his hand, then throws it off camera. We cut to Pooty wiping it off his face.
He puts his head down and sobs.)

Camera switch back to Uncle Bob: "Awww, my mean trick made Pooty sad! (He puts on a thinking expression and then smiles) I know how to make him better! Lets all yell as loud as we can at the TV: 'LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP POOTY!' Remember to yell it as loud as you can! 1-2-3!"
(He pauses for a second with his hand to his ear.)
"I can't hear you! Scream louder!"
(Suddenly there's an ear-piercing shriek and Uncle Bob gets a worried expression on his face.)
"Uh-oh! You know what that means kids! It's..."
(A raggedy squirrel puppet pops up from under the table. It's missing one eye and we can clearly see a hand inside of it."
Puppet: "That's right fuckers! It's Billy Beaver!"
(He smacks Uncle Bob in the face)
Puppet: "Ha ha ha! You fat cock-knocker!"
(He knocks over the box of letters onto the floor)
"What are ya going to do huh? You can't do anything can you? I can do anything I want! Ha Ha! Hey Poot-stain, how's your wife? Oh thats right...she left you didn't she? Well at least everyone had a go at her before she took off, right Uncle Blob?"
(Pooty runs in from off camera)
"Why you stupid little..."
He starts strangling the puppet, which of course does nothing but make it laugh more.)
(Uncle Bob looks mad) "Pooty, get back to your corner, NOW!"
(Pooty shuffles back off camera. The camera switches and we see him take another swig of T-Bird before it switches back to Uncle Bob)
"And as for you, you poor excuse for a splooge sock, I know how to get rid of you!" (He looks at the camera) "And I think you kids at home do too! Remember to yell as loud as you can! 1-2-3! GO BACK TO HELL FUCKY BEAVER!"
(Bucky spasms around on the table)
"You haven't won yet Bob! I'm not leaving until I'm good and ready!"
"Quick kids, again! 1-2-3!"
(Bucky rolls around on the table and screams in pain)
"Alright, I'll go. But I'll get you back Bob! I'll knock up your daughter and then run out on her! Ha ha ha!"
(Uncle Bob looks sad)
"Too late, her cousin Elmer already did that..."
"Oh well, then...goodbye!"
(He zips back under the table)
"Well kids. It looks like we're running out of time for today, and I bet you're really going to like the next movie!"
Pooty: (From off camera) "Oh god, please let me die!"
Uncle Bob: It's a nice quiet family film called Salo: The 120 Days of Sodom. Sit your Grandma down for it, I'm sure she'll love it too! Ha HA! (Slams table again)
But first, a cartoon by Ricky Garduno called, Lil' Kimbo's First Day at School. Don't miss it or your parents will get eaten by wolves while you sleep tonight!"

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

sick write some awful sick and dark stuff. you know i admire your writing, you do it well, but i never did like the disgusting stuff.