Goodbye

After several years I've finally decided to give this blog up for good. I've had a lot of fun, made some friends, and it got me through some pretty rough times, but I feel like it's run it's course for me. It's part of my past now and I'm ready to move on.

Thanks to everyone that took the time to read my shitty writing or my long winded ramblings, it means more than you could ever know.

For those so inclined you can follow me here:
The Stuff Hole

Peace!

Artwork from the 1952 Classmate

Credited Artist: Norman Tuinstra

I wish someone had done something like this for my senior year book!


























The artist did an insane amount of work. On top of the art shown here, he also did most of the lettering, including lettering for the ads in the back!

Go Fuck Yourself

What the Fuck?
I asked you nicely
I asked you kind
I explained my position
I thought pretty well
I don't care if you share
All I want is credit
But now you can go to Hell

You might be from a country
Where this kind of thing is okay
Where stealing is a way to get ahead
That doesn't mean
I don't think you're any less of a scum
If I saw you, I'd punch you in the head

And so I say again
One more time
From the bottom of my heart
A message sort of in rhyme
I already stated
"Please go to Hell"
Now I ask, "Please GO FUCK YOURSELF!"

A Couple More Poems...

...Since you guys seemed to like my last batch.

First, another poem for Mia Zapata. I can't seem to get her out of my head lately.

Unfair
Words that tear my head apart
And a voice that rips the strings out of my heart
Is it Janis Joplin in a second skin?
Or a flame that burned bright
And then was gone in a whirlwind?
A victim of unthinkable skin
Bring our chicken-girl back again

Nothing
How sweet the nothing
Of death's cold grip
But how sweet the life
It's brief cold sip
Both incomprehensible
Maddening trips

Humid
Have you ever seen a night
When the wind was still
And the moon showed it's face
Coming over the hill?
All week long
You felt like it should rain
Because the closeness of the air
Has been driving you insane
But the night does nothing
To ease the pain
As you try to find your way
Back home again
But it's a long long road

The first house you find
The door is open wide
But there's no one home
When you stick your head inside
And a thought that comes to your head
"Is this what it's like to be dead?"
There's so many more miles to roam
And it's a long long way home

A Handful of Short Poems

Bad Decision
Monkeys ruined my social scene
By peeing on my TV screen
And flinging poop from their rears
Why did I invite them over here?

Fun Day
One day I wanted to have some fun
So I took my knife and my gun
And went and saw old Bill Mars
And spent the day playing cards

Jenny Lee
I really like you Jenny Lee
Come and sit upon my knee
If your daddy asks
Please tell him lies
Last time he blackened both my eyes

Race
I'll race you to that rotted tree
I bet I bet you can't catch me!
You're too slow
I'm already there!
You don't have any legs?
Just wooden pegs?
The Heck I care!
I still beat you fair and square!

Demolished
Mia Z Took a stand
Her fist in the air
A mic in her hand
When Mia sang
The walls caved in
And people cheered above the din
But now Mia's gone
And in her place
A vacuum sits
A nothingness
A black hole
The pits
No more Mia, no more Gits
While in prison Jesus sits
I hope his Hell is every day
For taking our poor Mia away

MS Paint Comix Time

Come see what happens when someone with no drawing talent attempts to make comics with a program that automatically turns everything into crap! Hooray!

Scene on Bench Outside the Church on Fourth Street

"Normal people aren't like us, Kate. They're boring."
Rob was a wierd-shit, but I liked to listen to him talk.
"So what are we exactly?"
I took out my cigs from my jacket pocket. Damn, last one. I needed to ration these things better. They were hard to get. Rob looked thoughtful for a bit, his eyes squinting in concentration.
"We are...we are...above." He smiled out of the corner of his mouth, like he always did when he thought he had said something profound. I thought it was kind of cute.
"Are we?" I took a drag and blew a cloud of smoke which vanished when the wind caught it. Damn it was cold out. I almost regretted skipping school. At least there it would be warm...
"The two of us are..." He put his hand up by the side of his face, shook it, and then dropped it into his lap. "The two of us are immaculate beings, created by the gods to be supreme creatures. That. That is what makes us above my dear Kate. It makes us Superior."
Rob was such a weirdo but that's really what drew me to him. He wasn't that good looking, small nerdish guy, but he was really smart, and had this strange dry humor. Like now. He was trying to make me laugh and it was working, damn him. I took another cig drag.
"You know you didn't have to skip today." I looked over at him, sitting there in cheap JC Penny clothes that his mom had bought for him. What a fucking nerd. I smiled again, even though I didn't want to.
"But you were..."
"Yeah I know, you skipped for me. It's sweet and all but I don't want to get you in trouble. I've done enough of that already..."
"Don't worry about it." He was looking at the ground now. I could almost hear the gears moving in his head.
"Why shouldn't I worry about it? You're smart, smarter than anyone else I've ever met. I don't want you to fuck your life up Rob! You've got too much going for you..."
He turned and looked at me.
"I don't care, I just want to be with you."
I sighed loudly. This was all my fault. So fucking stupid, why did everything have to be so fucked up? I dropped my cig on the ground and crushed it under my heel.
"Look. You're going to go to college and you're going to forget all about me. I'm going to get a job at a fucking grocery store and then..."
"That's not how it's going to happen."
"Yeah it is. You fucking know it is. Even though you try and tell yourself thats now how life works..."
"But you're too smart for..."
Me yelling now. I didn't understand why either. "What do you think I've got? You think I'm going to get to go to college? Huh? White trash little slut that can't even graduate from fucking high school. You think I've got a fucking chance? I never did, it's all...It's all fucked up!" Breathing hard I wiped a single tear from my face.
Rob didn't say anything for awhile. I could tell he was thinking again.
"You...you can draw though right?"
"Yeah, I guess. Sort of."
"No, I've seen your stuff, it's really good." He looked up at me and smiled. "You'll do okay...both of us will."
For a fucking nerd, he sure know the right things to say, I'll give him that.
"Rob, you..."
I was interrupted by a car that had just driven up that neither of us had even noticed. It was an ancient looking station wagon, green with awful wood panels. The man who stepped out was wearing a grey suit, perfectly pressed with impossibly perfect shoes. Mr. Ward, the school principal. The biggest asshole I had ever met in my life. He put his hands on his hips and arched his eyebrows. His hair piece flipped a little in the October wind but didn't fly off like it should have.
"Robert Milligan," He started, not even looking at me, "Skipping school again. Your mother is going to be very upset and I. I am very dissapointed in you."
Rob didn't say anything, just stared at the ground.
"Well," Hands still on his hips, "What do you have to say for yourself young man?"
Rob still didn't lift his head. "I don't care." He mumbled.
Mr. Ward walked over and knelt down, putting Rob's chin in his hand and lifting it so they were looking each other in the eyes. Rob looked angry, which was bad, Rob hardly ever got angry.
"I said..." Venom in his voice, oh Jesus this was going to be bad. "I said I don't give a shit!"
Mr. Ward looked shocked or a second and then grabbed Rob by the arm, trying to pull him into his car. Rob was the angriest I'd ever seen him. Not even after that drunk guy had tried to paw me outside the bar had I seen like this. His face was beet red and you could tell he was breathing hard.
I got up and started yelling, I can't even remember what, not that it mattered anyways. Neither of them was paying attention to me.
"GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF ME!" Struggling struggling and then...and then it came. I saw it almost in slow motion. Rob got his left arm free and swung around...
The punch landed square on Mr. Ward's jaw, his head cocked back and his damn hairpiece flew off into the air. But it didn't end there. Rob gave him a shove and he landed on the sidewalk, a look of genuine surprise on his face.
Rob really was breathing heavily now, his dorky side parted hair was a mess.
"If you ever touch me again....I'll break out every tooth in your goddman head. You understand?" And then he kicked him in the stomach, hard, so hard that Mr. Ward curled up into a fetal position and threw up all over the curb. Then Rob looked at me, and he smiled. He fucking smiled!
I felt sick to my stomach. This was all my fault. All my fucking fault...

Lets Punk

Proudly made with MS Paint

Twitch Your Eyes

I see you lying there
On your back
On the ground
I see the hole there in your head
Where the blood comes pouring down
You should be dead
That's what I surmise
But to my surprise....

Beneath your eyelids
Your lovely orbs go up and down
They're the only things that move around
It's such a peculiar thing
Are you still alive?
Just twitch your pretty pretty eyes

Just last week you drove your car
Off of the bridge
That was on the east side
And it was obvious to everyone
There was no way you were alive
But as the credits rolled
The crowd got up and started to go home
I was the only one that noticed
And I could't keep it inside
I saw you sitting there
And I yelled out "Baby twitch your eyes for me again!"

Beneath your eyelids
Your lovely orbs go up and down
They're the only things that move around
It's such a peculiar thing
Are you still alive?
Just twitch your eyes
And let us know
Just twitch your pretty pretty eyes

Movie Reviews: Monster High (1989)

DVD bargain bins are interesting things. By reaching my grubby hands in and digging down the to bottom, risking getting fingers bitten off by whatever the heck lives down there, I've gotten some genuine classics, some over looked low budget gems, and some awful crap. Sometimes it's hard to tell by the cover just how entertaining the movie is going to be, but for five bucks or less, why not spin that wheel? Monster High looked pretty stupid, but at least entertaingly so. A stupid kid's movie perhaps? It did come out in the late 80s, a great time for crappy kid's flicks. Nope, it's rated R. Oh well, it can't be that bad...

I know this sounds harsh, but some people should not make movies. For even thinking about getting near a camera, they should be smacked in the face several times till they go back to their jobs managing Burger Kings. This movie is such a complete mess that even after watching all 84 minutes of it, I can't really tell you what the plot is. For some reason the earth is going to be destroyed and then there's this guy who looks like a Las Vegas lounge singer who comes out of a basketball and starts bringing monsters to life when he's not raping and then killing cheerleaders, and then this one character keeps waking up over and over...sometimes it's good to have an actual script when you make a movie instead of just a bunch of random ideas and no plot.
Oh yeah, this is a comedy, even though none of it's funny. The asshole rapping aliens that sound like Fred Figglehorn are not funny, the giant pot plant is not funny, even the nerd that gets turned into a computer isn't funny. It's a great example of how an incompetant director can really ruin good ideas. It's not much fun to watch though. Instead of entertaining, it's just pathetic and sad.
But hey, if you like boobs, there's lots of them! Stunt boobs though. It's very obvious that the main actress didn't want to take her top off. She can't act very well either and isn't that good looking. Why was she cast? Oh thats right, the director was an idiot.
This is the kind of movie that you catch at five in the morning when you're still a little drunk and then fall asleep in the middle of. When you wake up that afternoon you still have lingering memories of a turd monster that was obviously a midget in a poorly made costume and the bad taste of late 80s synth in your mouth. How this ended up on DVD is a mystery...
Grade: F

Late Night Songlist (Number Whatever...)

Hope you guys like this one. It's full of stuff that I've loved for awhile, and some new stuff that I've just gotten into recently. I also tried to create different mood themes to run through it. Not sure if it worked too well...

1. Santo and Johnny - Sleepwalk (Extended Version)
2. The Schoolboys - Please Say You Want Me
3. Steve Fitch - It's My Birthday
4. Joe Diffie - Down in a Ditch
5. Frank Black - Speedy Marie
6. Simon & Garfunkel - The Boxer
7. The Plasmatics - Stop
8. Wendy O. Williams - No Class
9. Acid Bath - Cheap Vodka
10. Steve Fitch - In the Neighborhood
11. ???????????????????????????????
12. Pixies - Wave of Mutilation (UK Surf)
13. The Sex Pistols - Rock Around the Clock

Heaven (Notebook scrap #1)

It was hot out that day. Boiling hot. As I struggled to get through the thick jungle brush, sweat poured down my face and soaked my clothes till I was drenched. I was looking for Heather and when I found her this time, she was going to get locked up. She was created to serve me sexually and I was going to goddamned if I was going to let her run away from me again. Where the Hell did she think she was going to go? This was a fucking island. Not only was it an island but it was the only island on a planet completly covered with water otherwise. No other land could exist unless I willed it. And that wasn't going to fucking happen. I was happy here with everything just the way it was. And why shouldn't I be? I had created the fucking place after all...

Okay, so here's the thing. Heaven isn't what you think it is. First of all, it's what you make it. After you die, you wake up floating in a white void. If you're smart, you'll figure out that you can create a place to live just by thinking about it. If you're not smart...well I guess you're shit out of luck. Hope you like the color white.
But anyways, I always wanted my own island when I was alive. It was a weird fascianation I developed as a kid after being forced to read Lord of the Flies in grade school. So I made a fucking tropical island. Great, perfect. Except that god is a fucking dick....
See, you can create whatever you want. You want a huge mansion? There you go, you got a mansion. You want a rock that juts out that you can fish off of? Okay, there you go. But you can't control the weather and you can't control the rising and the setting of the sun. I know, it's complete bullshit. Since I made a tropical island, now I have to deal with the heat for all eternity. And the rain. It rains almost twice a week here. Why don't I just make something else? Because that's another thing. Once you create something, you can't get rid of it and you can't alter it. So I made this island and that was that, now I'm stuck. I'd like to meet god, just once, I'd punch him in his fucking face. Yeah, I'll bet he gets a good laugh out of guys like me who think they got it made, think the afterlife is any better than the before life. What a crock of shit. And you can still feel pain! Your broken bones and cuts heal faster, but it still fucking hurts. Jesus, what an asshole!
But anyways, I was looking for Heather...

Heather was based on a girl that I had really wanted to fuck in high school. A sweet little innocent blonde girl, real short with pouty lips. So I created her and for a good month I fucked the shit out of her whenever I felt like it. Then one day she asked me if she could have some books. Fine, whatever. Not like it was costing me anything. So I made her some encyclopedias. Big mistake. They put ideas in her head and suddenly she didn't want me anymore and started trying to escape. The first time I found her on the other side of the island hiding in some caves. It was a pain in the ass to get there because I had to cross the huge mountains that divided the island in half and I got pretty banged up on the way there. I beat her up pretty good and told her that she'd get worse if she tried it again. She was a good little girl for about a month and then took off again. And thats where we're at now...

When I found her she was sitting in a clearing that I had never seen before. I'd been all over this island and knew it like the back of my hand, but I had never seen this fucking place.
You know that little voice in your head that tells you that something is really wrong? Well, that didn't go off for me. Tough shit I guess.
So she's sitting in this clearing with her legs crossed and she's got this book in front of her, again, nothing that I had ever fucking made.
So I go to grab her and she just laughs at me. A real evil type of laugh too. And she starts saying these words, these real strange garbled words and points at me. Of course now I'm more pissed off than I've ever been and I got to grab her by the hair when I start to feel funny. Like when you're sick and get light headed and weak. And it surges through my whole body. And then I look down and my feet are gone. And I watch my legs and my stomach go away until finally there's just my head floating there and I says to this girl:
"Why are you doing this? This is my world!"
And she says:
"No it's not, not anymore."
And then I'm floating in this black void and I can't see my hands in front of my face. I floated for a long time until I found this place. I kind of like this place, the beer is good and the whores you created are great! So whats outside the door there? Nothing? What do you mean nothing? All you created was this goddamn pub? You stupid fucking idiot...

13 Ways to Make Your Christmas Less Depressing

So it's Christmas eve, and you're all alone. Your girlfriend dumped you last week and the only presents you've recieved were a pair of ugly looking socks from your mother. Nobody loves you, not even your cat which left a nice big vomity present under your scraggly tree. But don't put that noose around your neck yet! There's lots of good ways to make your holiday season less suicidally grim! Such as...

1. Go out and buy booze for all the homeless people in your neighborhood. Then invite them to a huge party in front of the local police station.
2. Take a local child from a broken home and look for a Christmas tree. But don't buy one, there's trees all over! Just make sure that if you hear a motor running or gunshots that small children do not make very good body shields. Conk him out with a piece of wood and run!
3. Find that one kid in the neighborhood that you really can't stand (preferably from a broken home) and buy him the coolest looking toy ever. Then eat it in front of him.
4. Take a bunch of dogs and cats from the local animal shelter and set them loose in a local elementary school. The kids will shit themselves with joy!
5. Cheer up a child from a broken home by giving his mom some money. Preferably from the window of a vehicle while she is standing on a street corner.
6. Decorate your boss's office with fake snow. Make sure to get every inch covered!
7. Take those socks you got and make funny hand puppets. Put on a show for some local children from broken homes that explains why there are poor and their parents drink all the time. It's because they exist.
8. Hug everybody you see for one whole day. And you feel so inclined, kiss them too! On the mouth. For a very long time.
9. Create a new Christmas character: Santa no pants! Go around to various broken homes and do your funny Santa no pants dance.
10. Visit the local old folks home. Bring your hand puppets. Refuse to leave until you've make each old person smile at least once. If the puppets fail, bring out Santa no pants!
11. Go on Facebook and post that you are going to kill yourself. Lots of people will come over to your house then!
12. Christmas music should be played loudly and at very early hours of the morning. This works well if you live in an apartment!
13. Kidnap a child from a broken home and keep him in a closet. Feed him nothing but candy canes and eggnog till he turns into an jolly Christmas elf. If he dies before that, quietly return him to the broken home from whence he came...

There, now your Christmas will be bright and gay! Hey, put down those razorblades!

Wonderful Day

My urgent response was needed
To get my Christmas prize today
I won some Russian ladies
They're already on their way
Thank god I've got my Viagra
From the Pfizer company
And when they show up to the door
I'll show them my winning ID
I think I can safely say
It's going to be a goddamn wonderful day

Because I've
Just won three million dollars
From the Microsoft Lottery
And then I got 2 million more
From some guy named Ahmed Abdel-Azeem
Those Nigerians are so generous
It's hard for me to believe
That all this good luck
Came to a poor schmuck
As undeserving as me
And I'm very happy to say
It's going to be a goddamn wonderful day

Dinosaur Rock

I remember when I was 21
I got all the girls to hold my gun
But now that my salad days are done
How the hell do I get my fun?
All I do is shake my cock
Boppin' my head to the dinosaur rock

I don't understand these kids today
What happened to the music they used to play?
I would listen to The Eagles and party all night
The Rolling Stones man it was all right
Led Zeppelin till the morning light
And it was all right
And it was all right
And it was all right....
To let it Rock!

Now that I am 46
How the Hell am I goin' to get my kicks?
And get all the girls down on my dick?
I just drive around in my 76 Vette
Blastin' that good stuff on my cassettes
Yeah, that's what I said
Don't need no CDs no MP3's
Just get that shit away from me!
My classic rock station is what I play
More of my hair falls out everyday
Just let it ROCK!
Just let it dinosaur rock

(Spoken): Hey, what the Hell is this? If you don't switch that back to Tom Petty you can walk home! You damn kids with your rap junk! What is this? What is this? Nickleback is okay I guess...

Random List: 10 Creepy Movie Scenes

The one's that have stuck in my brain and continue to fuel my nightmares...

1. El laberinto del fauno (Pan's Labyrinth) (2006) - The Pale Man Scene
Nothing I've ever seen on film has freaked me out as much as this. Just the way the thing moves (shiver)
2. The Animatrix (2003) - The Second Renaissance Stories
It's a tie between the woman/robot getting beaten to death with a hammer and human energy machine.
3. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) - Dinner Table Scene
Apprently it was no picnic for the actors either. The smell of rotting meat was so strong that some of the actors started to hallucinate that they really were the characters they were playing. One described the experience as worse than nam.
4. A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001) - Robot Torture Carnival
The whole sequence is pretty disturbing, but the part that really got to me is when the nurse robot gets acid dumped on her head. She gives an innocent smile, AND THEN HER FUCKING FACE MELTS OFF! Gah!
5. Silence of the Lambs (1991) - "It rubs the lotion on it's skin..."
You knew this one had to be on here. The freakiest part for me though is when the camera pans up, you see several fingernails embedded in the side of the well, and the trapped girl screams her head off...
6. The Gate (1981) - The Eye
Not too many people remember this movie, which is a shame since it's pretty damn good. The scene in question involves an eye where it shouldn't be and a rather frank way of removing it...
7. Child's Play (1988) - In Which We Find Out What's Really Been Going On
The series got campier and campier as it went along, but the first movie had some genuinly creepy moments. My favorite being the part where the mother picks up the box Chucky came in and the batteries fall out...
8. The Amityville Horror (1979) - Imaginary Friend
A generally boring and stupid movie made in the wake of The Exorcist, based on a book so full of shit that you can smell it when you pick it up, it did however have one really effective scene. There's something about red eyes staring out from the darkness that's just so fucking creepy to me, I don't know what it is...
9. The Fly (1986) - Maggot Birth
The scene in question is just creepy and wrong in so many ways...thanks Cronenberg!
10. Eraserhead (1976) - The Whole Movie!
I've heard that baby's crying in my nightmares...

So what are the scenes that have creeped you out the most? Put them in the comments section!

Dancing on a Pinhead (Part 2)

"So, what do you do for a living?"
She was sitting in the rickety wooden chair next to my desk. I looked up from where I was hunched over, trying to get the fire started. She had my extra blanket wrapped around her and was wearing some of Mary's old clothes, the one's that I never got around to throwing out. They fit her surprisingly pretty well. The dim candle light cast half of her face in shadow, making her look other quite sinister.
"Huh? Oh, I'm a busker." A few sparks but nothing was catching. Damn cheap hardwood...
"What's a busker?"
I wished she would stop staring at me. She hadn't stopped since we had gotten here. I supposed she was just being cautious.
"It's a fancy word for street musician." There it went, small little flame, pathetic little thing, trying to eat something that was too big for it's mouth. More paper scraps to make it get big and strong...
"Oh really? What do you play?"
Good, good fire. Hopefully it wouldn't go out. I pointed to a case in the corner opposite my bed.
"Squeezebox." I walked over and picked up the case. Setting it on the desk in front of her, I flipped open the latches and took out the funny looking thing that was my lively hood. I played a quick little tune and she laughed.
"Do you make good money with this?" She asked, taking it from me and pressing random keys.
"No not really, enough to eat most of the time and pay the rent on this shitehole but that's about it."
She set the instrument back in it's case. "Do you think that I could...your fire went out." She said, pointing.
"Ah shit!" I yelled and crouched back down in front of the fire place. I need to move somewhere where "winter" doesn't exist, I thought as I blew on the coals.
"What were you saying?" I said without turning around.
"I was gonna ask if I could help you in some way." I sat up.
"Can you sing?"
"I haven't really tried recently, but when I was younger I used to sing quite a bit in Sunday morning church."
I stared into her burning green eyes and the thought occurred to me for some unknown reason that she was lying and had never set foot in a church in her life. But it went quickly and I wouldn't think about it again till later...
"Well, let's give it a shot. What songs do you know?" I walked over and picked up my squeezebox again.
"Sweet Polly Ann?"
A pretty simple well known valley song. I played a few opening chords and then set on the regular melody.

"Sweet Polly Ann
Why did you run from me?
It hurt my heart to see you go
Traveling over the sea
If I had wings
I'd fly away
And bring you back to me..."

I stopped playing, my jaw hanging open. Her voice was the most incredible thing I'd ever heard in my life. It was almost impossibly perfect, like she had stolen an angel's vocal chords and swapped them with her own. She stopped singing and looked at me.
"Was it that bad?"
I found it hard to speak at first. "No, no, it was great! Lets...lets do another song."
And we did. Till it got very late....

Lying in bed, staring at the holes in the ceiling, my head was still dizzy. How was this possible? Was I dreaming? I had found this impossibly beautiful whore in the worst pub in town, got her to come home with me, and then I find out that she sings better than Mother Mary herself?
I sat up and tried to hear her breathing in the small room next to mine that I usually used as a storage closet, but even with the thin walls, I couldn't hear anything. I thought about checking on her, but that might not end well. I didn't think she really trusted me yet. But maybe I should have. Especially with what happened later...

Dancing on a Pinhead (Part One)

I'll post the second part of this tomorrow if anyone cares...

The Bleeding Hog inn was a dirty run down place. The second you walked in you were assaulted by the stench of stale beer, dirt, and whore perfume. There was always people there though, due to the beer and the whores both being very cheap.
The thing I remember most about that night, other than what I’m about to tell you, was how cold it was outside. Your breath nearly froze in the air, and the wind jabbed any part of you that wasn’t covered up with sharp little needles. Winter was hard for me. No one was really out and about that didn’t need to be and people probably thought I was nuts, but I had to earn a living. The only way I knew how, warm or cold, rain or snow.
I had made enough for a few scraps of food and a beer though. Better than I made on some days, especially during the winter.
Old Carlson was the bartender, a fat man with face full of jowls that shook when he spoke.
“You know the drill Sam, all we got is beer, money up front. Drink it and throw some more money down, or get the Hell out.”
He always looked annoyed, like you were bothering him by giving him business.
“You got beef on the stove tonight?” I asked
“Yeah, but it’s yesterday’s, and It’s cold.”
“I’ll take that and a mug of beer.”
“Five ginns.”
I just barley had enough. The cold beef was gone before I knew it, and I was still hungry. I sighed. If I wanted to hang myself I wouldn’t have the cash to buy a rope…
As I sipped my beer, I surveyed the tavern. Like on most nights, it was full of old men drinking to forget the horrible jobs they trudged too and from everyday, bums like me who had scrounged up a few ginns and were drinking their beers slowly to avoid having to go back out into the cold, and whores in the employ of Old Carlson. The place in general was pretty depressing, but the whores were the worst. All of them were long past their primes, trying to smile as they sat on some old man’s lap and fondled his balls. There was a rumor that Carlson paid them in nothing but room and board, the nasty flea pits you could visit if you had enough cash. Even when I had money, I hadn’t. If I needed to fuck something that bad, I’d find a knothole and grease it up. At least that wouldn’t give me the clap.
There was a new girl there that night. To my surprise, she was young. Not just young, but good looking. Not just good looking, but shockingly good looking. I watched as an old man pulled her down to his lap. They were all the way on the other side of the room and I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but I saw money exchanged. I sighed again. It was something different, but not by much. Some old inn, same old town. I turned back to my beer.
The scream that came almost the instant I turned my back was high pitched and womanly and I was shocked to find that it had come from a man. The old man that had grabbed the young whore, to be exact. He was on the floor holding his nose as blood spurted from between his fingers. From the direction he then turned, it was obvious that the girl had done it.
When he took his hands away to retaliate, I gasped. Even from where I was, in the dim gaslight of the Inn, I could see that his nose was completely ruined.
“YOU FUCKING WHORE! LOOK WHAT YOU DID YOU FUCKING WHORE!”
All of this happened in a very short time, too short for Old Carlson, who was at the tap filling a glass to react. But now he ran as fast as he could to where the altercation was taking place. The rest of the drunks in the tavern had gathered round and he pushed through them like they were nothing. Old man must have been stronger than anyone thought. I grabbed my beer and stood outside the circle.
“WHAT DID I TELL YOU YESTERDAY?” Old Carlson yelled, his jowls quivering in time to his words.
“He…” The girl started.
“HE DID WHAT?”
“He…he put his finger in my…”
“HE HAS A RIGHT DOESN’T HE? HE’S A PAYING CUSTOMER!”
“He didn’t pay enough yet to do that!”
Old Carlson’s face was beat red and he was breathing hard. He looked like he was going to explode and splatter the room with blood and fat. I had never seen him hit one of his girls, but I thought that tonight, we just might get an even better show. But then he calmed down. Or rather, he shoved his boiling rage down into his fat stomach.
“I want you,” He said in a low whisper. “I want you out of here. And if you ever come back, if I ever see your face again, I’ll kill you. NOW GET OUT!”
The girl didn’t say a word, just walked out and the bar patrons went back to their drinks. I just stood for awhile, staring at the spot where the girl had been. Old Carlson got real close to my face, his breath smelled like onions.
“You gonna buy another drink?”
I looked down at my glass. I had spilled it all out onto the floor and hadn’t even noticed.
“I…I guess not.” I muttered.
“Then get the fuck outta here before I throw you out.”
I set my glass down on a table and left in a hurry.


The girl was standing outside the pub, with her arms crossed over her chest. Even though I hadn’t cared much before, now I instantly felt sorry for her. Like I said before, it was below freezing out and she was wearing nothing but her skimpy whore’s outfit and she was already shivering.
“Hi,” I started. “You, uh, got a place to stay tonight?”
She turned to look at me with a motion that was so swift that I took a step back. Her eyes, god her eyes! Even in the dim light from the bar, their piercing green was so intense that I could have sworn that she was looking right through me. When she spoke her voice was sharp.
“You think you’ll get to fuck me is that it? That’s all I am right? A stupid fucking whore that got kicked out of the worst pub in town, so I’m easy pickings right? Fuck you! Get the fuck away from me.”
I started. “No no no, that wasn’t it at all! You just…you just looked cold is all.”
Her face softened and she sighed. “I really don’t have anywhere else to go. Old Carlson…”
“Yeah I know, everyone in town does. I have a separate room you can use. It’s small and not very warm, but at least you won’t have to sleep out in this.”
As if to punctuate my words the wind gave a howl that blew her red hair around her face and she shivered again.
“Okay, but no funny stuff! You saw what happened to that prick in there right? I’m not some weak…”
“Alright, I swear, I’ll keep my hands off.” I put my hands up like someone had pointed a gun at me. She smiled and my heart flopped into my stomach. As we walked the short way to my flat, I wondered what I had gotten myself into. Something about this didn’t seem right…

Christmas Song

There's a man with a shotgun
In the apartment next door
You don't have to see his face
To know what he's in for
When he it puts it up under his chin
And then falls to the floor
I can't take this Christmas
Anymore

Little Anna knows for sure
That Santa won't come this year
Daddy spent all of their cash
On cigarettes and beer
But if mommy would only come home
It would make her whole year
And so she spends the entire night
Staring at the door
I can't take this Christmas
Anymore

Your home is warm
You have food for all
No one will starve tonight
The wind blows hard at your window pane
On this holiest of nights
You don't think of those
Out in the cold
For them it's just another day
And if they came begging for some food
You'd send them all away
So I sit and I wonder
What is this all for?
And I can't take this Christmas
Anymore

All Year Round

Halloween is finally here
It's been so long
I wait all year
So stick your Christmas in your ear
I'm going from door to door

I work real hard
To scare those guys
Ignoring all the Christmas lies
The air is full of joyful sounds
As I make my frightful rounds

The air is cold it bites my nose
As I go tramping through the snow
The wind is tearing at my clothes
As I go from door to door

How I wish that you could see
The looks that they give to me
When I ask for Trick or Treat
But they ain't getting rid of me
Till I get what I deserve

My bag is full of candy canes
I'll admit it's kind of lame
Everything else is too stale to eat
But it matters not to me

Just because Halloween's done
Isn't going to ruin my fun
You can have your Christmas tree
Your tinsel and your lights

Give me a crypt that's dark and damp
My werewolves and my living dead
Kids with chainsaws in their heads
Underneath the pale moonlight

While you hear reindeer on your roof
I'm dancing to some eerie tune
With ghosts and goblins in my room
My girlfriend has no head

Santa may be coming for you
But I don't care what you do
Just follow that piper's merry tune
Down the path that you've been lead

And when you finally come around
Lets go marching through the town
And we'll have Halloween all year round
Lets run Christmas into the ground
Long live the living dead!