CYOF: Oh Jeez

The only one that voted last time was Spumkin and he picked that Betsy Ann be Horny. Oh Jeebus, here we go...

You cover your head with your arms and expect the screaming and beatings and cops dragging you off to jail any second but nothing happens. After a bit you uncover your head and stare in disbelief. Instead of kicking you in the face, Betsy Ann is smiling.
"Oh you silly silly boy," she says and pulls you out of the closet by your arm. "Wasn't that uncomfortable in there? Sit here instead." She shoves you onto the bed and laughs. Is this really happening? You want to pinch yourself to make sure but then you'd probably wake up in Geometry class with everyone laughing at the drool all over your desk.
Still clutching her towel around her body she climbs on top of you. "You want me don't you?" She says and rubs her hand on your crotch. She laughs. "I can tell you do."
You try to form some sort of answer, to say anything but she shes got her hand down your pants now and you can hardly breathe.
Then she lets her towel drop and leans over you to kiss your mouth but she stops and sits up. Golly, her boobs are fantastic. You reach out to grab them but she catches your hands.
"Here's the deal big boy. You can do anything to me you want. anything at all, but there's one tiny little simple thing you've got to do for me."
You gasp out "What? What is it, I'll do anything!"
"I want you..." She runs her hand down the front of your jeans again.
"To..." Blue balls hits you like a hammer to the groin and you fall on the ground in a heap, groaning.
"kill my step dad."
You stop and through a blinding wall of pain look up a her.
"Wa--what?" You stammer out.
She puts her hands on her hips and looks at you like a little child.
"If you even want a hand job, I want that prick lying in a pool of his own blood as soon as possible! I don't care how you do it, just do it and do it quick."
She grabs her towel and wraps it around herself again.
"I'll be in my room. And you better not come in till his soul is burning in Hell."
Then she walks out and shuts the door.
Cripes Scoob! What are you going to do now? You've never even seen a girl naked before today and now the greatest moment of your life is so close! Do you dare do such a terrible thing for sex? Do you? And how will you do it if you do?

Just had to try it...

I found out about this on the Onion AV Club and I just had to do it:

"New meme: here's a totally random way to make your new random band's new random album cover. Post one! Go to “Wikipedia.” Hit “random” and the first article you get is the name of your band. Then go to “Random Quotations” and the last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album. Then, go to Flickr and click on “Explore the Last Seven Days” and the third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover."

My first attempt:
Band Name: HMNZS Manawanui
Album Title: Laughter is an instant vacation
(Oh and by the way, if you can't save an image to edit it, just right click and hit block image. It will block out the image overlay thats not letting you save.)

Putting it all together with a random picture from Flickr (using my feeble MS Paint Skillz) I got this:

(Click for full size)
Seems to me that HMNZS Manawanui is some kind of Japanese band. Possibly punk? That album cover is too lame to be anything but subversive. Or maybe its some soothing elevator muzak crap. Yeah, I'll go with that one.

That was fun! I think I'll try it again. Here's what I came up with the second time
Band Name: Bantam
Album Title: quite different from being rash
Album cover looks like:

Seems like an 80s cheese rock band but the girl would probably be nakeder. I like how this one turned out.

Oh man, this is too much fun. I'll do one more and then I swear I'll get to CYOF.
Band name: Nail plate
Album Title: become famous without ability
Cover looks like:

Thats a heavy metal cover for sure, lulling you in with its simple and soothing art and then blasting your ears when you put the record on. No band named Nail Plate could be anything but death and destruction and knobs turned up to 11.

You guys gotta do this too!

Random Word Experiment #2

Oh random word generator, I love you so. You know what word it gave me tonight? Horror! I needed a word for inspiration and it gave me horror. Kick ass. Hmmm....thats really broad though. Lets hit refresh and try to get a second word.
Unstable! This is getting interesting. Lets try it a third time.
Employment. Sweet, lets see what kind of stuff we can make out of this.

I was working late when I killed my boss. It was just us handling the "up late" shift at Chicken Shack, which wasn't a shack at all, I don't know why it was called that. My job that night was to cut the chicken up for the Healthy chicken Crunch Wrap menu special item bullshit that were popular because of an annoying jingle they put in their ads. Just about everyone that came in ordered one. So there I was cutting up chicken to make these damn things. The thing is there's a certain way they have to be cut. Everything has to be done by the regulations in Chicken Shack Inc.'s company hand book that they give you when you get hired. I dropped the damn thing on my foot one time. That shit hurt let me tell you.
But anyways, the chicken for the Healthy Chicken Crunch Wrap menu special item has to be cut diagonally in exact equal portions. Every chicken patty that comes frozen in large packs to Chicken Shack kitchens across the world looks exactly the same since its really ground up chicken parts mashed into a spherical shape by a machine. There's even lines burned into it where you have to cut. This is all explained in the hand book by the way, you should really track down a copy on Ebay, very interesting reading. Or to hurl through your neighbors window.
That night my boss, having nothing else to do, contented himself with being a prick. He always was a prick but at least when other people were on shift he could spread it around. And at least when Rachael was there he'd hit on her and the blowjobs she gave him for extra money kept him away for a little bit. That night she was home with her sick kid. At least thats what she said. I think she had some personal business to take care of at the Ballard club downtown. Thats what I think.
Alright, I keep going off on tangents. The boss was looking over my shoulder the whole time I was trying to cut and he telling me I was doing it wrong. And he kept jabbing me in the shoulder. I don't like to be touched and I really don't like to be jabbed with a long bony finger thats been God knows where. So...uh...yeah, I got pissed off and I stabbed him in the eye. Thats about it. It wasn't an accident or anything if thats what you're wondering. I got pissed off and took the fucker's eye out.
The bit with the cooler? I didn't do that. Well, you're not going to believe me if I tell you. Alright. After I stabbed his eye out he was fumblin' around screamin' knockin' pots off the racks, making a damn mess in the kitchen. The reg book would have something to say about that let me tell you, ha ha. You probably saw his hand, he put it in the deep friar. It wasn't in very long but he burnt the shit out of it. Jesus, he was screamin' loud. Then the fucking chicken attacked him. I swear on my mother's grave! He kept dancing around, screaming, making a mess, so I opened the cooler and shoved him in. Then the chicken patties jumped on him, fucking covered up his face so he couldn't breath. You found one down his throat didn't you? Yeah, it crawled in there. Weirdest damn thing I've ever seen and I've seen some weird shit. What's that? Nah, I wasn't on drugs. Not that night anyways.
Yeah yeah, thats my story. Back to my cell right? I hear we're having fried chicken for lunch, you better watch your back officer, ah ha ha!

That was weak, I'm sorry guys. Maybe it could be part of a larger story though, someday.

Choose Your Own Fate Experiment Part 2

With my vote for 2 it turned out to be a tie, and the dealer always wins ties so...

You decide that J.J and the rest of the Evans family can wait till you get some grub. It's probably a re-run anyways you tell yourself as you walk up the stairs to the kitchen. While the lightening flashes and the thunder booms and the rain drives hard at the windows you dig through the cupboards looking for food. Damn man, your family really needs to go to the store! The only thing you find is a box of Screaming Yellow Zonkers that looks about three months old.
You spit out the stale bits of popcorn you tried desperately to eat into the garbage and head for the fridge. Not much here either, some lunch meat and cheese, but you have no bread! Wait, whats that in the back?
You reach in and pull out a Tupperware container. Now what could this be? You open the lid and recoil as the nastiest smell you can imagine hits you full on in the face. It smells like moldy gym socks pulled out of Liberace's anus and left to bake in the sun. Still it is food...maybe if you put some cheese on it...
A sound from the container pulls you out of your reverie. Did that thing just make a mewling noise? You look closely at the purple and green blob. Is that an eye?
Where did this thing come from? You sort of remember doing a science experiment back in sixth grade to see how much mold would grow on a piece of meatloaf but that was three years ago! You ponder what to do with the smelly disgusting thing.

Do you...
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Dump it down the garbage disposal and flip the switch.
3. Toss the nasty thing outside.
4. Get a fork and chow down!
5. Poke it with your finger.

Choose Your Own Fate Experiment Part 1

It is a dark and stormy night and you are all alone in your basement room. Your parents have gone to something called a "swinger" party and left you to your own devices. Normally this would be cool but this is the 1970s and there's no cable to watch porn on. You've read all the books you got from the library this past week and the new needle for your record player won't be in for another few days. You sit and stare sadly at the brown and red shag carpet and listen to the rain drum on the windows. What will you do?

A few options:
1. Go upstairs and watch TV. It's too late for Chico and the Man but Goodtimes should be on pretty soon.
2. You are a bit hungry, maybe you could go to the kitchen and get some food first?
3. Sit on the porch and watch the rain. Eh, it's better than nothing.
4. Just stay right here and count the fibers in the rug.

Choose your fate!