I deleted the last story and started a new one! I think I bit off more than I could chew last time so this one is going to be a bit simpler. My favorite of the Choose Your Own Adventure Books that I devoured when I was a kid took place in exotic locations like the Egyptian Desert, or some weird planet, or...a deep dark jungle. There was always such potential for weird crazy adventures when they were set in those places. So I picked a jungle this time. But you've got to get there first! Go now and vote! All of you! I know some of you are lurking out there, I can hear you breathing!
Update
I suppose I should include a link: Choose Your Own Fate
Showing posts with label CYOF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label CYOF. Show all posts
Friday, June 19, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Choose Your Own Fate Blog is up already!
And with a totally new story! Go here and vote how it should go:
http://cyof.blogspot.com/
Again, sorry about quiting the last story line but I really thought I should end it and try something new. This one will have a definite end eventually so I can start on new stories later. That doesn't mean there won't be lots of nice horrific deaths along the way!
Questions, comments, complaints, constructive criticism? Or you can just be a troll and curse out my mother, its all cool.
http://cyof.blogspot.com/
Again, sorry about quiting the last story line but I really thought I should end it and try something new. This one will have a definite end eventually so I can start on new stories later. That doesn't mean there won't be lots of nice horrific deaths along the way!
Questions, comments, complaints, constructive criticism? Or you can just be a troll and curse out my mother, its all cool.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
CYOF - Of Push ups, Vagina Monsters, and Time Machines
When we last left our hero he was faced with a choice and that choice was murder for sex. We now continue the story already in progress.
You sit in contemplation, sweat beading on your brow. The minuets tick away as you ponder various avenues of action and the consequences of each. Soon an hour has past, then two. Your legs are getting craps from sitting on the floor. Suddenly you jump up, wincing as the blood returns to your legs.
Fuck this! You almost say out loud. That sombitch is dead!
You run downstairs to look for the guy that stands between you and sweet sweet lovin'.
The house is eerily silent. No one in the kitchen or living room. You open the door to the basement. You can hear machinery hum and there's an strange blue glow emanating from down below. This must be where step daddy is working. You go to the kitchen to get a knife. You start to have second thoughts. Murder is wrong, if you do this, your soul be damned for all eternity! You start to put the knife away. The door to the backyard opens and Betsy Ann walks in. She is wearing a pair of blue short shorts and a t-shirt that would look small on a 5 year old. She smiles and you grab the knife and head down the basement steps.
Later, as you lay strapped to the table, you think rushing down here was a bad idea. It would have been nice if Betsy would have told you her father was a mad scientist. He laughs demoniacally and pulls a switch. Spending the rest of your days as human/squirrel hybrid won't be so bad, will it? You'll get to run around all day eating nuts, who wouldn't want that?
The End
Screw this, you think. I'm a man, why don't I just take what I want? Thats what real men do! You run over to Betsy Ann's bedroom, fists clenched, hard-on raging. You slam open the door. Soon you are on the floor, crumpled up in a ball of pain and suffering. Betsy Ann stands over you with a bloody knife in her hand.
"I warned you didn't I? I warned you not to come back till you killed him. What were you going to do, rape me? Going to be hard to do that now with no testicles."
Then she laughs and kicks you hard in the head. You wake up in the hospital next to a guy with a hole in his throat. You pity him and then you realize you have no nuts. You put your hands to your face and cry.
The End
Why not do some push ups? Your arms could use some strengthening. Hup two, hup two, up down up down. Now you're into it, you do pushup and jumping jacks. Jumping jacks tend to make a lot of noise. Betsy Ann comes back.
"What the Hell are you doing?" She looks pissed.
"Fuck you, I'm going to be a beef cake!" You say and smile. She is not pleased.
"Oh yeah, what if I were to tell you that my vagina has a tentacle monster in it that can kill you?"
You stop jumping up and down like an idiot.
"Can I see it?" You ask.
She drops her pants and the slimy Eldritchian creature grabs you. Your last thought is that you're getting eaten by a vagina. Thats kind of cool. But it kind of sucks too.
The End
You rush down the basement steps, teeth gritted, knife in hand, ready for murder. To your surprise theres no one down there. The strange glow is coming from a large time machiny looking thing in the far corner, most probably a time machine. You smile and drop your knife. Just like in the movies! You run into its welcoming blue haze and right before you dissolve and wake up in some random time and place you hear someone yell, telling you to stop. Too late now....
Where do you end up?
You sit in contemplation, sweat beading on your brow. The minuets tick away as you ponder various avenues of action and the consequences of each. Soon an hour has past, then two. Your legs are getting craps from sitting on the floor. Suddenly you jump up, wincing as the blood returns to your legs.
Fuck this! You almost say out loud. That sombitch is dead!
You run downstairs to look for the guy that stands between you and sweet sweet lovin'.
The house is eerily silent. No one in the kitchen or living room. You open the door to the basement. You can hear machinery hum and there's an strange blue glow emanating from down below. This must be where step daddy is working. You go to the kitchen to get a knife. You start to have second thoughts. Murder is wrong, if you do this, your soul be damned for all eternity! You start to put the knife away. The door to the backyard opens and Betsy Ann walks in. She is wearing a pair of blue short shorts and a t-shirt that would look small on a 5 year old. She smiles and you grab the knife and head down the basement steps.
Later, as you lay strapped to the table, you think rushing down here was a bad idea. It would have been nice if Betsy would have told you her father was a mad scientist. He laughs demoniacally and pulls a switch. Spending the rest of your days as human/squirrel hybrid won't be so bad, will it? You'll get to run around all day eating nuts, who wouldn't want that?
The End
Screw this, you think. I'm a man, why don't I just take what I want? Thats what real men do! You run over to Betsy Ann's bedroom, fists clenched, hard-on raging. You slam open the door. Soon you are on the floor, crumpled up in a ball of pain and suffering. Betsy Ann stands over you with a bloody knife in her hand.
"I warned you didn't I? I warned you not to come back till you killed him. What were you going to do, rape me? Going to be hard to do that now with no testicles."
Then she laughs and kicks you hard in the head. You wake up in the hospital next to a guy with a hole in his throat. You pity him and then you realize you have no nuts. You put your hands to your face and cry.
The End
Why not do some push ups? Your arms could use some strengthening. Hup two, hup two, up down up down. Now you're into it, you do pushup and jumping jacks. Jumping jacks tend to make a lot of noise. Betsy Ann comes back.
"What the Hell are you doing?" She looks pissed.
"Fuck you, I'm going to be a beef cake!" You say and smile. She is not pleased.
"Oh yeah, what if I were to tell you that my vagina has a tentacle monster in it that can kill you?"
You stop jumping up and down like an idiot.
"Can I see it?" You ask.
She drops her pants and the slimy Eldritchian creature grabs you. Your last thought is that you're getting eaten by a vagina. Thats kind of cool. But it kind of sucks too.
The End
You rush down the basement steps, teeth gritted, knife in hand, ready for murder. To your surprise theres no one down there. The strange glow is coming from a large time machiny looking thing in the far corner, most probably a time machine. You smile and drop your knife. Just like in the movies! You run into its welcoming blue haze and right before you dissolve and wake up in some random time and place you hear someone yell, telling you to stop. Too late now....
Where do you end up?
Sunday, March 1, 2009
CYOF Needs More Ideas! And Some Other Junk
I only got one idea for ways the story could go, thats not good! Lets start throwing crazy ideas out there! Or is the story going in kind of a crappy direction? We could back track it if you want. Or just start over with a different story. I was thinking of doing that anyways, just start over and plopping "you" down in a different setting. What do you guys think?
Currently reading: Billions and Billions by Carl Sagan
If you ever fully reject religion, fill up that aching void in your heart with science! It feels real good.
Listening to: Walls to Roses: Songs of Changing Men
I've had this CD of gay folk music for awhile but it seems to get better the more I listen to it. Thats not "gay" as in "its lame." Its folk music by a group of homosexual musicians. No, no I'm not gay, good music is good music!
Currently wanting to watch: Coraline
Arrgh, I missed Wall-E in the theaters and now I'm going to miss this too! Hopefully I will get to experience it before the "goth" kids get a hold of it and it starts turning up at Hot Topic. Unless it has already....
This post's random thoughts:
Johnen Vasquez said he didn't really mind Invader Zim merchandise but he put a stop to pairs of Gir sandals. He said the thought of them being worn on dirty feet made him sick. And he claims that IZ fan fiction makes him want to puke. A quick glance at a few pages of it on the net and its not hard to see why...
Currently reading: Billions and Billions by Carl Sagan
If you ever fully reject religion, fill up that aching void in your heart with science! It feels real good.
Listening to: Walls to Roses: Songs of Changing Men
I've had this CD of gay folk music for awhile but it seems to get better the more I listen to it. Thats not "gay" as in "its lame." Its folk music by a group of homosexual musicians. No, no I'm not gay, good music is good music!
Currently wanting to watch: Coraline
Arrgh, I missed Wall-E in the theaters and now I'm going to miss this too! Hopefully I will get to experience it before the "goth" kids get a hold of it and it starts turning up at Hot Topic. Unless it has already....
This post's random thoughts:
Johnen Vasquez said he didn't really mind Invader Zim merchandise but he put a stop to pairs of Gir sandals. He said the thought of them being worn on dirty feet made him sick. And he claims that IZ fan fiction makes him want to puke. A quick glance at a few pages of it on the net and its not hard to see why...
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
CYOF: Oh Jeez
The only one that voted last time was Spumkin and he picked that Betsy Ann be Horny. Oh Jeebus, here we go...
You cover your head with your arms and expect the screaming and beatings and cops dragging you off to jail any second but nothing happens. After a bit you uncover your head and stare in disbelief. Instead of kicking you in the face, Betsy Ann is smiling.
"Oh you silly silly boy," she says and pulls you out of the closet by your arm. "Wasn't that uncomfortable in there? Sit here instead." She shoves you onto the bed and laughs. Is this really happening? You want to pinch yourself to make sure but then you'd probably wake up in Geometry class with everyone laughing at the drool all over your desk.
Still clutching her towel around her body she climbs on top of you. "You want me don't you?" She says and rubs her hand on your crotch. She laughs. "I can tell you do."
You try to form some sort of answer, to say anything but she shes got her hand down your pants now and you can hardly breathe.
Then she lets her towel drop and leans over you to kiss your mouth but she stops and sits up. Golly, her boobs are fantastic. You reach out to grab them but she catches your hands.
"Here's the deal big boy. You can do anything to me you want. anything at all, but there's one tiny little simple thing you've got to do for me."
You gasp out "What? What is it, I'll do anything!"
"I want you..." She runs her hand down the front of your jeans again.
"To..." Blue balls hits you like a hammer to the groin and you fall on the ground in a heap, groaning.
"kill my step dad."
You stop and through a blinding wall of pain look up a her.
"Wa--what?" You stammer out.
She puts her hands on her hips and looks at you like a little child.
"If you even want a hand job, I want that prick lying in a pool of his own blood as soon as possible! I don't care how you do it, just do it and do it quick."
She grabs her towel and wraps it around herself again.
"I'll be in my room. And you better not come in till his soul is burning in Hell."
Then she walks out and shuts the door.
Cripes Scoob! What are you going to do now? You've never even seen a girl naked before today and now the greatest moment of your life is so close! Do you dare do such a terrible thing for sex? Do you? And how will you do it if you do?
You cover your head with your arms and expect the screaming and beatings and cops dragging you off to jail any second but nothing happens. After a bit you uncover your head and stare in disbelief. Instead of kicking you in the face, Betsy Ann is smiling.
"Oh you silly silly boy," she says and pulls you out of the closet by your arm. "Wasn't that uncomfortable in there? Sit here instead." She shoves you onto the bed and laughs. Is this really happening? You want to pinch yourself to make sure but then you'd probably wake up in Geometry class with everyone laughing at the drool all over your desk.
Still clutching her towel around her body she climbs on top of you. "You want me don't you?" She says and rubs her hand on your crotch. She laughs. "I can tell you do."
You try to form some sort of answer, to say anything but she shes got her hand down your pants now and you can hardly breathe.
Then she lets her towel drop and leans over you to kiss your mouth but she stops and sits up. Golly, her boobs are fantastic. You reach out to grab them but she catches your hands.
"Here's the deal big boy. You can do anything to me you want. anything at all, but there's one tiny little simple thing you've got to do for me."
You gasp out "What? What is it, I'll do anything!"
"I want you..." She runs her hand down the front of your jeans again.
"To..." Blue balls hits you like a hammer to the groin and you fall on the ground in a heap, groaning.
"kill my step dad."
You stop and through a blinding wall of pain look up a her.
"Wa--what?" You stammer out.
She puts her hands on her hips and looks at you like a little child.
"If you even want a hand job, I want that prick lying in a pool of his own blood as soon as possible! I don't care how you do it, just do it and do it quick."
She grabs her towel and wraps it around herself again.
"I'll be in my room. And you better not come in till his soul is burning in Hell."
Then she walks out and shuts the door.
Cripes Scoob! What are you going to do now? You've never even seen a girl naked before today and now the greatest moment of your life is so close! Do you dare do such a terrible thing for sex? Do you? And how will you do it if you do?
Monday, February 23, 2009
Choose Your Own Fate: Up Dem Purty Stairs
Hmmm, you'd better try upstairs. If you go into the kitchen you'll just end up eating as much food as you can get your hands on and if you go into the living room you'll just lie down and take a nap. If you go into the back yard you'll run around chasing butterflies till someone calls the cops. You are a very strange person, I'll give you that.
You grip the stair riser and slowly creep up trying not to make a sound. When you get to the top you can hear water running. It's coming from the door right in front of you. You walk up to it and push it open a tiny bit. It's a bathroom and there is a shower running. You can see someone moving behind the opaque curtain. Someone naked, you guess. Suddenly the form turns and looks at you and you book it across the hallway into the first door you can find, hiding in the closet. Why didn't you just go back downstairs, dumbass! You hear the water shutoff and then footsteps coming down the hall. They stop at the door and it slowly opens. From your position cowering behind a stack of board games you can't see out the slats very well. Maybe you could if you moved a bit, but you wouldn't want to make noise would you?
Suddenly the closet door swings open and there is Betsy Ann wearing nothing but a towel staring right at you, her hair is still dripping wet.
Is she:
Angry?
Happy?
Horny?
Sad?
Does she run screaming down the hallway?
Or does she grab the nearest object to beat you with?
Or does she not see you at all?
Or make up your own reaction.
You grip the stair riser and slowly creep up trying not to make a sound. When you get to the top you can hear water running. It's coming from the door right in front of you. You walk up to it and push it open a tiny bit. It's a bathroom and there is a shower running. You can see someone moving behind the opaque curtain. Someone naked, you guess. Suddenly the form turns and looks at you and you book it across the hallway into the first door you can find, hiding in the closet. Why didn't you just go back downstairs, dumbass! You hear the water shutoff and then footsteps coming down the hall. They stop at the door and it slowly opens. From your position cowering behind a stack of board games you can't see out the slats very well. Maybe you could if you moved a bit, but you wouldn't want to make noise would you?
Suddenly the closet door swings open and there is Betsy Ann wearing nothing but a towel staring right at you, her hair is still dripping wet.
Is she:
Angry?
Happy?
Horny?
Sad?
Does she run screaming down the hallway?
Or does she grab the nearest object to beat you with?
Or does she not see you at all?
Or make up your own reaction.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Choose Your Own Fate: Of Love and Puke
So there you are: Standing at the door of the girl that broke your heart, some strange alien goop covered in blood and snot concealed in your hand, ready to mash it into her face. Oh sweet revenge, thy name is goop. You rap on the door delicately so as not to alert suspicions. You can hear noises in the house, someone is coming to the door. They get closer. CLOSER! You pull your hand back to throw, your brow furrows in concentration. Sweat beads on your forehead...this is it, the grand moment. Possibly the greatest moment of your teenhood, nay, of your life! The footsteps get up to the door and stop. The knob turns slowly. SLOWLY! And the door creaks open...
Before you even look to see who answered your knocks, you let the crud fly. Your wussy toss causes it to arc and it lands on the shirt of Rock Fizzlebeef (yup thats really his name) Betsy Ann's 300 LB wad of muscle and veins boyfriend! Oh geez, you're really in trouble now! Run for it!
You try to run but he grabs on to the back of your shirt and your legs spin uselessly just like in a cartoon. He picks you up and puts your face right next to his.
"Whyfore you throw snot on my shirt?" He growls. His breath smells like mothballs and old cabbage. You gag.
"Dat not very nice of you. WHYFORE YOU THROW SNOT AT MES?" He's breathing hard and shouting now. You feel your stomach start to turn flops.
"DAT NOT VERY NICE, I PUT CLEAN SHIRT ON TODAY FOR BETSY ANN AND YOU MAKE IT YUCKY! BETSY ANN NOT LIKE YUCKY SHIRT! I MAKE YOU PAY!"
As he raises his hand to turn your face into a bloody pulp you let go and vomit up food you don't even remember eating. All over jock boys face. He screams and drops you and runs into the house screaming surprisingly girly screams. You laugh and wipe off your mouth. Your weak as shit stomach finally did some good! But what of Betsy Ann? Now that your thoughts of revenge have been tempered, you decide to go profess your love to her again. But where to look?
Alright guys. There's a stairs to your left and a living room to your right, devoid of people. The couches look comfy though. Ahead of you, you can see a kitchen and a window onto a backyard. Pick a direction!
Before you even look to see who answered your knocks, you let the crud fly. Your wussy toss causes it to arc and it lands on the shirt of Rock Fizzlebeef (yup thats really his name) Betsy Ann's 300 LB wad of muscle and veins boyfriend! Oh geez, you're really in trouble now! Run for it!
You try to run but he grabs on to the back of your shirt and your legs spin uselessly just like in a cartoon. He picks you up and puts your face right next to his.
"Whyfore you throw snot on my shirt?" He growls. His breath smells like mothballs and old cabbage. You gag.
"Dat not very nice of you. WHYFORE YOU THROW SNOT AT MES?" He's breathing hard and shouting now. You feel your stomach start to turn flops.
"DAT NOT VERY NICE, I PUT CLEAN SHIRT ON TODAY FOR BETSY ANN AND YOU MAKE IT YUCKY! BETSY ANN NOT LIKE YUCKY SHIRT! I MAKE YOU PAY!"
As he raises his hand to turn your face into a bloody pulp you let go and vomit up food you don't even remember eating. All over jock boys face. He screams and drops you and runs into the house screaming surprisingly girly screams. You laugh and wipe off your mouth. Your weak as shit stomach finally did some good! But what of Betsy Ann? Now that your thoughts of revenge have been tempered, you decide to go profess your love to her again. But where to look?
Alright guys. There's a stairs to your left and a living room to your right, devoid of people. The couches look comfy though. Ahead of you, you can see a kitchen and a window onto a backyard. Pick a direction!
Monday, February 9, 2009
Choose Your Own Fate Doubles Down!
Option 1:
You feel so happy you could puke and you do, all over the garage floor! You'll have to clean that up later, but right now all you want to do is dance and sing! You run outside as fast as you can and do your stupid dance in the pouring rain. It's alright, no one will see you since everyone is inside away from the storm. As you dance like a retarded monkey on crack you sing as loud as you can:
"I'm on the top of the world lookin' down on creation
And the only explanation I can find..."
You twirl and spin and disco dance and do your gay little prance all over the lawn. Then you close your eyes and twirl and spin and twirl some more.
"Is the love that Ive found ever since you've been around
Your loves put me at the top of the..." SMUCK!
Oh no! You danced out into the road and old man Finklestein (who was rushing to get home so his wife wouldn't know he's been screwing that cutie down at the bingo hall) couldn't see you because of the rain and the fact that he's as blind as a naked mole rat! You fly through the air and land on the ground in a bloody heap. Oh geez, it looks like all your bones are broken and several of your internal organs are now in your chest. The last sound you hear is the old man's tires burning rubber off into the distance. Stupid old geezer probably thinks he hit a squirrel is your last thought as everything fades to black.
YOU ARE DEAD!
Game over man, game over!
Or is it...
Option 2:
You feel so happy now that you have control of your own body again and never have to watch another episode of The Brady Bunch ever. You probably will though, you have a horrible crush on Mrs. Brady, you poor fool you. What should I do now, you think and stroke your imaginary beard.
Suddenly Betsy Ann Morgan pops into your head. Something else pops too but you choose to ignore it and it goes away. Betsy Ann is the cutest girl in the whole school and you were stupid enough to think you'd have a chance with her. That was until her boyfriend put you in a dumpster out behind the lunch room with all the candies you gave her shoved down your pants. Your mind turns from what she'd look like lying on your bed covered in cooking oil to thoughts of revenge! You smile an evil smile and scoop up some of the nasty crud and head over to her house just a few blocks down the street...
The rain has let up a bit and now it's only drizzling. Thunder rumbles off in the distance as you ring her doorbell. You've got the goop tightly concealed in your hand, hidden behind your back. Oh boy! Is she ever going to feel sorry she rejected your persistent and sort of creepy advances...
Okay, it's time to pick where the story goes!
Who will answer the door?
Betsy Ann?
Betsy Ann the way she'd look in your sickest fantasies?
Her mom?
Her dad?
A monkey with a flamethrower?
Marsha Brady?
Or...no one at all.
or just make some shit up, that would be cool too!
You feel so happy you could puke and you do, all over the garage floor! You'll have to clean that up later, but right now all you want to do is dance and sing! You run outside as fast as you can and do your stupid dance in the pouring rain. It's alright, no one will see you since everyone is inside away from the storm. As you dance like a retarded monkey on crack you sing as loud as you can:
"I'm on the top of the world lookin' down on creation
And the only explanation I can find..."
You twirl and spin and disco dance and do your gay little prance all over the lawn. Then you close your eyes and twirl and spin and twirl some more.
"Is the love that Ive found ever since you've been around
Your loves put me at the top of the..." SMUCK!
Oh no! You danced out into the road and old man Finklestein (who was rushing to get home so his wife wouldn't know he's been screwing that cutie down at the bingo hall) couldn't see you because of the rain and the fact that he's as blind as a naked mole rat! You fly through the air and land on the ground in a bloody heap. Oh geez, it looks like all your bones are broken and several of your internal organs are now in your chest. The last sound you hear is the old man's tires burning rubber off into the distance. Stupid old geezer probably thinks he hit a squirrel is your last thought as everything fades to black.
YOU ARE DEAD!
Game over man, game over!
Or is it...
Option 2:
You feel so happy now that you have control of your own body again and never have to watch another episode of The Brady Bunch ever. You probably will though, you have a horrible crush on Mrs. Brady, you poor fool you. What should I do now, you think and stroke your imaginary beard.
Suddenly Betsy Ann Morgan pops into your head. Something else pops too but you choose to ignore it and it goes away. Betsy Ann is the cutest girl in the whole school and you were stupid enough to think you'd have a chance with her. That was until her boyfriend put you in a dumpster out behind the lunch room with all the candies you gave her shoved down your pants. Your mind turns from what she'd look like lying on your bed covered in cooking oil to thoughts of revenge! You smile an evil smile and scoop up some of the nasty crud and head over to her house just a few blocks down the street...
The rain has let up a bit and now it's only drizzling. Thunder rumbles off in the distance as you ring her doorbell. You've got the goop tightly concealed in your hand, hidden behind your back. Oh boy! Is she ever going to feel sorry she rejected your persistent and sort of creepy advances...
Okay, it's time to pick where the story goes!
Who will answer the door?
Betsy Ann?
Betsy Ann the way she'd look in your sickest fantasies?
Her mom?
Her dad?
A monkey with a flamethrower?
Marsha Brady?
Or...no one at all.
or just make some shit up, that would be cool too!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Choose Your Own Fate Part 6
This was written on sticky notes and little scraps of paper while I sat at my desk pretending to work today. Hope you guys like it!
Despair hits you like a ton of bricks. Blood pours out of your nose and stains the front of your wide collared shirt. You want to cry and pee your pants, but you know that won't help stop the thing inside your head from yelling and screaming obscenities. Suddenly flash bulbs go off and you smile. What do you always do when you're sad to cheer yourself up that would drown out the the icky thing's rantings? Why, sing of course! You take a deep breath and yodel out the first song that comes to your mind.
"I fell in love with you before the second show
Your guitar, it sounds so sweet and clear
But you're not really here
Its just the radio..."
The thing stops shouting and when you get to the first chorus it sings along!
"Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby!
You said you'd be coming back this way again baby!
Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh, baby, I love you I really do!"
You let it sing the next verse and run quickly into the garage.
This dank oil smelling cavern is also your dad's workshop, which you were never allowed in till now. It's still pretty easy to find his tools since he's a slob and never puts things away. You grab a pair of pilers off a pile of tools.
"Loneliness is a such a sad affair
And I can hardly wait to be with you agai..."
The thing stops singing and shouts.
"Hey, what do you think you're doing boy? I don't fucking think so!"
Before you can get the pilers halfway up to your face it takes control of your hand and starts to pull it down. Gathering up all your will you pull back and your hand slowly raises. You get it close, oh so close, when the thing screams,
"Damn you, you sitcom hating freak!"
And gives a mighty tug on your hand, sending the pilers skittering across the floor. Thunder booms and it screams,
"You're mine forever! Do you hear me, forever!" Then it laughs like a retarded Vincent Price.
In desperation you shout, "Hey, look out over there!"
To your very great surprise your half ass desperate ruse works and with a "huh" the thing turns your head around and you break for it grabbing the pliers and shoving them firmly up your right nostril.
The thing screams, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" as the pliers grab a hold of something spongy which you hope isn't brain tissue and you give it a mighty tug.
The thing flies out with one yank and lies on the floor spasming and mewling like a wounded puppy, a quivering pile of snot, blood, and slime.
It's trying to crawl away, get it!
Your mighty sledgehammer of doom comes down directly in the middle of the thing and it deflates, squirting green and black blood all over the dirty floor.
"That was for making me sing along to Keith Partridge you son of a bitch!" You scream and pound it again.
After the horrid thing is just little bits of slime and tissue splattered everywhere, you stop to catch your breath. Wiping the sweat and gunk off your forehead you reflect on the events that have just transpired. You've never felt so alive!
What will you do next?
1. Run around in the rain like an idiot.
2. Gather up some slime, go over to the girl's house that wouldn't go with you to prom, and shove it in her face!
3. Go to your scientist neighbor's house and get him to come see what's left of this thing.
4. Explore the dark garage by yourself.
Despair hits you like a ton of bricks. Blood pours out of your nose and stains the front of your wide collared shirt. You want to cry and pee your pants, but you know that won't help stop the thing inside your head from yelling and screaming obscenities. Suddenly flash bulbs go off and you smile. What do you always do when you're sad to cheer yourself up that would drown out the the icky thing's rantings? Why, sing of course! You take a deep breath and yodel out the first song that comes to your mind.
"I fell in love with you before the second show
Your guitar, it sounds so sweet and clear
But you're not really here
Its just the radio..."
The thing stops shouting and when you get to the first chorus it sings along!
"Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby!
You said you'd be coming back this way again baby!
Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh, baby, I love you I really do!"
You let it sing the next verse and run quickly into the garage.
This dank oil smelling cavern is also your dad's workshop, which you were never allowed in till now. It's still pretty easy to find his tools since he's a slob and never puts things away. You grab a pair of pilers off a pile of tools.
"Loneliness is a such a sad affair
And I can hardly wait to be with you agai..."
The thing stops singing and shouts.
"Hey, what do you think you're doing boy? I don't fucking think so!"
Before you can get the pilers halfway up to your face it takes control of your hand and starts to pull it down. Gathering up all your will you pull back and your hand slowly raises. You get it close, oh so close, when the thing screams,
"Damn you, you sitcom hating freak!"
And gives a mighty tug on your hand, sending the pilers skittering across the floor. Thunder booms and it screams,
"You're mine forever! Do you hear me, forever!" Then it laughs like a retarded Vincent Price.
In desperation you shout, "Hey, look out over there!"
To your very great surprise your half ass desperate ruse works and with a "huh" the thing turns your head around and you break for it grabbing the pliers and shoving them firmly up your right nostril.
The thing screams, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" as the pliers grab a hold of something spongy which you hope isn't brain tissue and you give it a mighty tug.
The thing flies out with one yank and lies on the floor spasming and mewling like a wounded puppy, a quivering pile of snot, blood, and slime.
It's trying to crawl away, get it!
Your mighty sledgehammer of doom comes down directly in the middle of the thing and it deflates, squirting green and black blood all over the dirty floor.
"That was for making me sing along to Keith Partridge you son of a bitch!" You scream and pound it again.
After the horrid thing is just little bits of slime and tissue splattered everywhere, you stop to catch your breath. Wiping the sweat and gunk off your forehead you reflect on the events that have just transpired. You've never felt so alive!
What will you do next?
1. Run around in the rain like an idiot.
2. Gather up some slime, go over to the girl's house that wouldn't go with you to prom, and shove it in her face!
3. Go to your scientist neighbor's house and get him to come see what's left of this thing.
4. Explore the dark garage by yourself.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Choose Your Own Fate Part 5
1.) You must escape the horrible torture of sitcom after sitcom, so you remind the thing about its demand to go to the garage.
Will do Spitter!
Oh God, another Brady Bunch episode! If this keeps up you'll have Jan Brady's voice stuck in your head forever! With an amazing force of will you leap up and knock the TV over where it lands on the floor in a flash of electric sparks and smoke. Then everything thing is dark and silent. You stand for what seems like an eternity, breathing heavily before the voice in your head speaks up softly and eerily calm.
"Why did you do that? That was very rude of you. Now you will have to be punished!" It says. You think fast,
"Because....because we still have to go to the garage, remember? You really wanted to go there! Don't hurt me!"
"Hmmm," the thing ponders for a bit, "Yes, you're right. The hilarity of American scripted comedy distracted me from my true mission! Let us go!"
Suddenly you're running full speed through the kitchen, past the basement stairs, and to the door leading to the garage. Too bad the thing forgets to make you open the damn thing and you slam right into it. You sit on the floor holding your bleeding nose.
"DOOR OPEN NOW PITIFUL HUMAN SCUM!" Screams the thing. "OR I KILL YOU FOOL POOPY JERK FACE PASTY SKINNED WEAK STUPID BUTT HEAD..."
What will you do now?
1. Open the door and see what it was that it wanted in the garage.
2. There's a plunger in the basement bathroom, maybe that would work to get it out of your head somehow?
3. This is all too much! Scream your head off and pee your pants.
4. Sit and sing Top of the World by The Carpenters.
5. Sing Carpenter's songs while you waltz into the garage.
Will do Spitter!
Oh God, another Brady Bunch episode! If this keeps up you'll have Jan Brady's voice stuck in your head forever! With an amazing force of will you leap up and knock the TV over where it lands on the floor in a flash of electric sparks and smoke. Then everything thing is dark and silent. You stand for what seems like an eternity, breathing heavily before the voice in your head speaks up softly and eerily calm.
"Why did you do that? That was very rude of you. Now you will have to be punished!" It says. You think fast,
"Because....because we still have to go to the garage, remember? You really wanted to go there! Don't hurt me!"
"Hmmm," the thing ponders for a bit, "Yes, you're right. The hilarity of American scripted comedy distracted me from my true mission! Let us go!"
Suddenly you're running full speed through the kitchen, past the basement stairs, and to the door leading to the garage. Too bad the thing forgets to make you open the damn thing and you slam right into it. You sit on the floor holding your bleeding nose.
"DOOR OPEN NOW PITIFUL HUMAN SCUM!" Screams the thing. "OR I KILL YOU FOOL POOPY JERK FACE PASTY SKINNED WEAK STUPID BUTT HEAD..."
What will you do now?
1. Open the door and see what it was that it wanted in the garage.
2. There's a plunger in the basement bathroom, maybe that would work to get it out of your head somehow?
3. This is all too much! Scream your head off and pee your pants.
4. Sit and sing Top of the World by The Carpenters.
5. Sing Carpenter's songs while you waltz into the garage.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Choose Your Own Fate Part 4
Before the thing can react you run into the living room.
"Hey, what the Hell are you doing?" The thing in your head shouts. "Take this!"
Suddenly your legs give way and you fall face first onto the carpet. Your reach for the TV, just barley hitting the switch before the thing steals away your hand and slaps you in the face.
The TV springs to life just as JJ bursts into the room with a loud cry of "Dynomite!"
The thing in your head chuckles and you laugh a bit yourself. Soon you are both laughing heartily along with the appreciative studio audience. When the shows over you go to switch off the TV your hand hits you hard in the nuts.
"What do you think, you're doing?" The thing screams as you writhe around on the floor in pain, "I want more!"
So you sit through another episode followed by Rhoda and Sanford and Son. Why are all these on the same channel tonight? you ask yourself. The only answer is the insistent laughter coming from your head...
It's several hours later and you're still being forced to watch sitcoms. After mini-marathons of the Partridge Family and Gilligan's Island you really can't take anymore. You speak to the thing controlling you.
"Listen you slimy piece of crap! I can't take anymore of this and if you don't give me back my brain I'll do something really horrible to you!"
"MORE MORE MORE!" The thing cries and laughs as Gilligan falls down for the 13th time that episode.
You have to do something! You can't take much more situational comedy!
What will you do? Any suggestions?
"Hey, what the Hell are you doing?" The thing in your head shouts. "Take this!"
Suddenly your legs give way and you fall face first onto the carpet. Your reach for the TV, just barley hitting the switch before the thing steals away your hand and slaps you in the face.
The TV springs to life just as JJ bursts into the room with a loud cry of "Dynomite!"
The thing in your head chuckles and you laugh a bit yourself. Soon you are both laughing heartily along with the appreciative studio audience. When the shows over you go to switch off the TV your hand hits you hard in the nuts.
"What do you think, you're doing?" The thing screams as you writhe around on the floor in pain, "I want more!"
So you sit through another episode followed by Rhoda and Sanford and Son. Why are all these on the same channel tonight? you ask yourself. The only answer is the insistent laughter coming from your head...
It's several hours later and you're still being forced to watch sitcoms. After mini-marathons of the Partridge Family and Gilligan's Island you really can't take anymore. You speak to the thing controlling you.
"Listen you slimy piece of crap! I can't take anymore of this and if you don't give me back my brain I'll do something really horrible to you!"
"MORE MORE MORE!" The thing cries and laughs as Gilligan falls down for the 13th time that episode.
You have to do something! You can't take much more situational comedy!
What will you do? Any suggestions?
Friday, January 30, 2009
Choose Your Own Fate Part 3
You have chosen...option 4. Thank you, one moment please...
You stare at the purple and green blob of smelly goo and your stomach rumbles. You got sent to your room without dinner earlier that day for drawing mustaches on all the pictures of Nixon in the morning paper. "Goddamn it," your Dad yelled, "You may not like him but I voted for him so we're stuck! You'll respect him and Agnew or you'll get no supper!"
You frown. Stupid Nixon. You've made up your mind, you will eat this thing. It looks like it needs something...You spin your mother's spice rack around and pull out two random jars: Paprika and cloves. Hmmm, you think, maybe if I cook it first...
You oil the pan down and dump the thing in it. It's one eye looks around nervously and it shifts a bit as you cover it in spices. Then you add cheese and an old wrinkly green pepper and turn on the heat.
The thing screams and jumps out of the pan, latching itself onto your head! You flail around trying to pull it off, you'd scream but its covering your mouth and slowly working its way up your nostrils! You can't breath!
Bit by bit it crawls up your nostril cavity and vanishes. You sit down, taking gasping breaths, wondering what to do next when a voice whispers from inside your skull.
"Go to the garage. Do it now!" It says in creepy whisper. "Do it now or I'll do this!"
Suddenly your legs go numb and you fall face first to the floor. The thing in your head laughs.
What will you do now?
1. Listen to the thing, before it does something really bad!
2. Run to the weird scientist neighbor's house that lives down the street.
3. get a needle nose pliers from the basement and pull it out.
4. Call 911.
5. Screw this, you're missing Good Times! GO and watch TV and ignore the thing in your head.
You stare at the purple and green blob of smelly goo and your stomach rumbles. You got sent to your room without dinner earlier that day for drawing mustaches on all the pictures of Nixon in the morning paper. "Goddamn it," your Dad yelled, "You may not like him but I voted for him so we're stuck! You'll respect him and Agnew or you'll get no supper!"
You frown. Stupid Nixon. You've made up your mind, you will eat this thing. It looks like it needs something...You spin your mother's spice rack around and pull out two random jars: Paprika and cloves. Hmmm, you think, maybe if I cook it first...
You oil the pan down and dump the thing in it. It's one eye looks around nervously and it shifts a bit as you cover it in spices. Then you add cheese and an old wrinkly green pepper and turn on the heat.
The thing screams and jumps out of the pan, latching itself onto your head! You flail around trying to pull it off, you'd scream but its covering your mouth and slowly working its way up your nostrils! You can't breath!
Bit by bit it crawls up your nostril cavity and vanishes. You sit down, taking gasping breaths, wondering what to do next when a voice whispers from inside your skull.
"Go to the garage. Do it now!" It says in creepy whisper. "Do it now or I'll do this!"
Suddenly your legs go numb and you fall face first to the floor. The thing in your head laughs.
What will you do now?
1. Listen to the thing, before it does something really bad!
2. Run to the weird scientist neighbor's house that lives down the street.
3. get a needle nose pliers from the basement and pull it out.
4. Call 911.
5. Screw this, you're missing Good Times! GO and watch TV and ignore the thing in your head.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Choose Your Own Fate Experiment Part 2
With my vote for 2 it turned out to be a tie, and the dealer always wins ties so...
You decide that J.J and the rest of the Evans family can wait till you get some grub. It's probably a re-run anyways you tell yourself as you walk up the stairs to the kitchen. While the lightening flashes and the thunder booms and the rain drives hard at the windows you dig through the cupboards looking for food. Damn man, your family really needs to go to the store! The only thing you find is a box of Screaming Yellow Zonkers that looks about three months old.
You spit out the stale bits of popcorn you tried desperately to eat into the garbage and head for the fridge. Not much here either, some lunch meat and cheese, but you have no bread! Wait, whats that in the back?
You reach in and pull out a Tupperware container. Now what could this be? You open the lid and recoil as the nastiest smell you can imagine hits you full on in the face. It smells like moldy gym socks pulled out of Liberace's anus and left to bake in the sun. Still it is food...maybe if you put some cheese on it...
A sound from the container pulls you out of your reverie. Did that thing just make a mewling noise? You look closely at the purple and green blob. Is that an eye?
Where did this thing come from? You sort of remember doing a science experiment back in sixth grade to see how much mold would grow on a piece of meatloaf but that was three years ago! You ponder what to do with the smelly disgusting thing.
Do you...
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Dump it down the garbage disposal and flip the switch.
3. Toss the nasty thing outside.
4. Get a fork and chow down!
5. Poke it with your finger.
You decide that J.J and the rest of the Evans family can wait till you get some grub. It's probably a re-run anyways you tell yourself as you walk up the stairs to the kitchen. While the lightening flashes and the thunder booms and the rain drives hard at the windows you dig through the cupboards looking for food. Damn man, your family really needs to go to the store! The only thing you find is a box of Screaming Yellow Zonkers that looks about three months old.
You spit out the stale bits of popcorn you tried desperately to eat into the garbage and head for the fridge. Not much here either, some lunch meat and cheese, but you have no bread! Wait, whats that in the back?
You reach in and pull out a Tupperware container. Now what could this be? You open the lid and recoil as the nastiest smell you can imagine hits you full on in the face. It smells like moldy gym socks pulled out of Liberace's anus and left to bake in the sun. Still it is food...maybe if you put some cheese on it...
A sound from the container pulls you out of your reverie. Did that thing just make a mewling noise? You look closely at the purple and green blob. Is that an eye?
Where did this thing come from? You sort of remember doing a science experiment back in sixth grade to see how much mold would grow on a piece of meatloaf but that was three years ago! You ponder what to do with the smelly disgusting thing.
Do you...
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Dump it down the garbage disposal and flip the switch.
3. Toss the nasty thing outside.
4. Get a fork and chow down!
5. Poke it with your finger.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Choose Your Own Fate Experiment Part 1
It is a dark and stormy night and you are all alone in your basement room. Your parents have gone to something called a "swinger" party and left you to your own devices. Normally this would be cool but this is the 1970s and there's no cable to watch porn on. You've read all the books you got from the library this past week and the new needle for your record player won't be in for another few days. You sit and stare sadly at the brown and red shag carpet and listen to the rain drum on the windows. What will you do?
A few options:
1. Go upstairs and watch TV. It's too late for Chico and the Man but Goodtimes should be on pretty soon.
2. You are a bit hungry, maybe you could go to the kitchen and get some food first?
3. Sit on the porch and watch the rain. Eh, it's better than nothing.
4. Just stay right here and count the fibers in the rug.
Choose your fate!
A few options:
1. Go upstairs and watch TV. It's too late for Chico and the Man but Goodtimes should be on pretty soon.
2. You are a bit hungry, maybe you could go to the kitchen and get some food first?
3. Sit on the porch and watch the rain. Eh, it's better than nothing.
4. Just stay right here and count the fibers in the rug.
Choose your fate!
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