Wednesday, March 4, 2009

CYOF - Of Push ups, Vagina Monsters, and Time Machines

When we last left our hero he was faced with a choice and that choice was murder for sex. We now continue the story already in progress.

You sit in contemplation, sweat beading on your brow. The minuets tick away as you ponder various avenues of action and the consequences of each. Soon an hour has past, then two. Your legs are getting craps from sitting on the floor. Suddenly you jump up, wincing as the blood returns to your legs.
Fuck this! You almost say out loud. That sombitch is dead!
You run downstairs to look for the guy that stands between you and sweet sweet lovin'.
The house is eerily silent. No one in the kitchen or living room. You open the door to the basement. You can hear machinery hum and there's an strange blue glow emanating from down below. This must be where step daddy is working. You go to the kitchen to get a knife. You start to have second thoughts. Murder is wrong, if you do this, your soul be damned for all eternity! You start to put the knife away. The door to the backyard opens and Betsy Ann walks in. She is wearing a pair of blue short shorts and a t-shirt that would look small on a 5 year old. She smiles and you grab the knife and head down the basement steps.

Later, as you lay strapped to the table, you think rushing down here was a bad idea. It would have been nice if Betsy would have told you her father was a mad scientist. He laughs demoniacally and pulls a switch. Spending the rest of your days as human/squirrel hybrid won't be so bad, will it? You'll get to run around all day eating nuts, who wouldn't want that?
The End

Screw this, you think. I'm a man, why don't I just take what I want? Thats what real men do! You run over to Betsy Ann's bedroom, fists clenched, hard-on raging. You slam open the door. Soon you are on the floor, crumpled up in a ball of pain and suffering. Betsy Ann stands over you with a bloody knife in her hand.
"I warned you didn't I? I warned you not to come back till you killed him. What were you going to do, rape me? Going to be hard to do that now with no testicles."
Then she laughs and kicks you hard in the head. You wake up in the hospital next to a guy with a hole in his throat. You pity him and then you realize you have no nuts. You put your hands to your face and cry.
The End

Why not do some push ups? Your arms could use some strengthening. Hup two, hup two, up down up down. Now you're into it, you do pushup and jumping jacks. Jumping jacks tend to make a lot of noise. Betsy Ann comes back.
"What the Hell are you doing?" She looks pissed.
"Fuck you, I'm going to be a beef cake!" You say and smile. She is not pleased.
"Oh yeah, what if I were to tell you that my vagina has a tentacle monster in it that can kill you?"
You stop jumping up and down like an idiot.
"Can I see it?" You ask.
She drops her pants and the slimy Eldritchian creature grabs you. Your last thought is that you're getting eaten by a vagina. Thats kind of cool. But it kind of sucks too.
The End

You rush down the basement steps, teeth gritted, knife in hand, ready for murder. To your surprise theres no one down there. The strange glow is coming from a large time machiny looking thing in the far corner, most probably a time machine. You smile and drop your knife. Just like in the movies! You run into its welcoming blue haze and right before you dissolve and wake up in some random time and place you hear someone yell, telling you to stop. Too late now....
Where do you end up?

3 comments:

Phantom Spitter said...

This one is a little confusing, but going by the time machine one, I'd ignore the guy and wander around.

OR: Make conversation with him.

OR: After doing the first of these choices, get back in the time machine and go to another time and place.

Of my own, I pick the third.

Kurdt said...

I'm sorry I wasn't clear enough! What I really wanted was to what part of history should our hero be sucked into? Or should it just be some random messed up alternate world? I should have put that but I was tired and my head was fuzzy.

J.R. Spumkin said...

Ah, my idea for a rock opera ("L'amant de la pieuvre du vagin", or "The Lover of the Octopus Vagina") has at last been told! I pick the third of Spitter's choices.