Wednesday, March 4, 2009

100th Post!

Wow, 100 posts already! This horrible little thing here just keeps on chuggin' along doesn't it? I'd like to thank my (about) five readers for sticking with me and my inane ramblings, stupid poems, and lame stories. If it wasn't for the two nice comments I usually get I would have stopped a long time ago. You guys er great (sniff).
Alright, enough of that happy crap. What should I put in this most grandeous glorious fun-utational ball of chum? How about some lame high school stories? No? Okay, here goes...

When I was in high school I went to beer parties all the time, banged hot chicks that looked like they were 25, and took our football team to the state championship. No, wait, that was just about every movie about high school ever made. I remember going to one whole beer party, and it wasn't a whole lot of fun, partially because I wasn't used to the taste of beer yet and damned if I was going to walk around with a wine cooler or pour soda in it like my friends were doing. So I wasn't drunk at all. Plus it was put on by the girl's parents which was kinda weird. Who wants to have a beer party when there's adults everywhere? So...yeah. That sucked.

I didn't have a girlfriend either. I was a dork, to put it bluntly. A skinny dork with glasses to be more exact. I still am but at least I don't write poems to try and get girls to go out with me (groan). I wish I could go back and slap myself hard across the face. sexings for me.

And I never even had delusions of playing football. I did play basketball for a bit but my horrible hand/eye coordination coupled with the fact that I was miserable the whole time pretty much guaranteed I was going to be on the bench every game. And I was. I ended up running cross country every year starting in eighth grade. Thats a whole nother long series of stories right there, which no one wants to hear, but it was the most fun I had in high school and I made the best friends I've ever had through it. So...fuck football. Football is for the cool kids. I was never cool and am quite proud of that fact.

Sometimes I did wish school was more like the movies but there was lots of weird crazy shit that happened that no hack writer could ever dream of. To wit:

One time this Jr. High kid got diarrhea at basketball practice and ended up shitting all over the hallway (and apparently the bathroom too). I can remember turning to someone as we walked past and going "Is that what I think it is?"
"Yup, sure smells like it don't it?"
Hey, shit happens. (Sorry, I had to make that joke)

A friend of mine (who will probably read this much later and correct me on several points) was running down the wheel chair ramp and put his whole arm through the little window in the door on the end. Completely fucking through it. I heard that he nonchalantly went to find the nearest teacher while picking pieces of glass out of his arm and bleeding everywhere. That might not be true, but I wouldn't put it past him, dude's hardcore.

My Junior (Sophomore?) year we had bomb threats coming in so often that it seemed like there was one almost every other week. When it happened we had to drop everything and evacuate to the elementary school down the street. Then we had to sit all day while the dogs searched the whole damn school. They never found anything. And you know why? Because the dumbasses that were making threats were usually borderline retarded kids looking for attention. None of them were smart enough to even know what a bomb looked like, let alone make one without blowing their hands off.
I remember particularity, one threat was made by this fat smelly kid that had the intelligence of a 5th grader. He was one of those kids that walked around the school shouting random words that they thought were clever but just made them look like morons. And annoying morons at that. There was a whole group of these guys who thought the word beaver and lame sexual innuendos like "hot pizza" were the the wittiest, most hilarious things anyone ever thought up. They probably still do.

Some stupid things I did that every kid should do (I'm such a great influence!):
Pass a note around telling everyone to drop their pencils at a set time.
It sounds lame but the resounding clatter and the teacher's inevitable annoyed/pissed off look is totally awesome. I only did it once to my science teacher, and it was grand.

Make a mockery of any and all award presentations and assemblies.
Assemblies were the biggest fucking waste of time to me so I'd just be a dick and disrupt the proceedings as much as possible by getting a whole group of people to make random noises to piss off the cheerleaders trying to tell everyone to go to the football game in below zero weather. It was stupid, but it was a good bit of fun.
I won't say what I did at the uber-boring awards presentations, cause I'm kind of ashamed of it, but it still makes me laugh.

If you live in a cold region, build snowmen in little used hallways.
Our hardly ever noticed works of art would always ended up as huge puddles for the janitors to clean up. Good fun.

Make up fake names for teachers you don't like.
My favorites include: "Mr. Tenderloins", "The Walgren" (he looked like a walrus and walked like a penguin), and "that creepy lesbian teacher that seems to call on the girls a lot in Spanish class."

Start food fights.
Yes, this will get you in a lot of trouble, but damn, did it liven up some really boring lunch hours. The last day of senior year was quite epic, let me tell you.

Get out on the roof at least once.
Lock-ins are great for this, if they don't lock anything up, like our school neglected to do. And also, play sardines in the school while you're at it. Theres lots of good hiding places and hallways to sprint down. So much damn fun...

Remember that its only four years and you will never see most of the jerks you have to put up with again.
Think of that and smile, next time some jock puts your head in the toilet. Someday he will be bagging groceries for a living.

Bonus video that has nothing to do with anything!

John K. rules. That is all.


Phantom Spitter said...

I feel honored to be the first to say...

HAPPY 100th!!!!

Here's to a billion more!

Anonymous said...

Happy 100, and what fascinating stories. Gotta write some of these down to do...eventually.

Oh, and do you plan to do a post on politics, religion, any of that? I'm sort of overdue for a post on the 2010 Withdrawal of our men. Oh, but that Watchmen post comes first!

Kurdt said...

I don't really think anyone really wants to hear my views on religion or politics. Actually, I can sum them up right here: they're both fountains of lies that are necessary for people to live their lives in a cloud of ignorance but are very dangerous in the wrong hands.
If I say anything else people will get mad, so I just shut up about both subjects.
Yes, please post about pulling our boys out! Being in the military its a subject relevant to my interests, as they say on the Interwebs.

Phantom Spitter said...

Guys, I actually respect religion.

I'm appreciate that Kurdt doesn't rant.

Phantom Spitter said...

ARGH!!! I mean I'm appreciative that Kurdt doesn't rant!

Anonymous said...

Weird, my word verification says "hershi". The LOLs shall begin.

Oh, and Kurdt: for you and Spitter, I'll post my favorite chapter from "The Watchmen" on Spum-Blog!

Phantom Spitter said...

"Hershi"! Tee hee hee giggle. Uh, I mean Har Har Yuk Yuk! HAW! GUFFAW!!

That's how to maintain a manly laugh!