Updatez!

Sorry that I haven't posted a whole lot lately. I've been working on my book a tiny bit but I've also been an unmotivated lazy ass that just wants to mess around on the Internet and watch gory horror movies to shut the voices in his head up.
I've decided that I'm not going to charge for this thing since most of the poetry it contains is right here on this site for free. So when I get it all finished I'll announce it here and you can just send me your addresses through email and I'll send you a free copy! There'll be about five new poems, and the whole thing will be about 50 pages. If I can work up the motivation to finish the damn thing...

In other news, I've thought up a little contest. I bought a brand new copy of the Library of America's collection of Lovecraft fiction and thus my old thrift store paperback collection of stories is obsolete. So...I thought maybe one of you guys would want it. All you have to do is draw or sketch a picture of Mr. H.P and send it to me by email. Best one gets a copy of the book! It contains eight stories, over 200 pages, is old and falling apart but a great intro to the king of weird fiction.

reference pictures:





Send entries and inquiries to: youngmancane_13@hotmail.com.

Thanks again to ya'll for reading!

Mix Tape Game

If you can tell me what all of these have in common you win...nothing! Actually you win nerd cred. Isn't that good enough?







Sesame Street - Beginning, Middle, and End



That last one should give it away pretty easily!

PSA Super Retro-Funtime Aneurysm!

I've talked a bit before about how the generation I grew up in was probably the last to have a good Saturday morning block of cartoons on several channels. (We were probably also the last to grow up at least partially without cable hookups and Internet). There's part of the Saturday Morning Cartoon experience I failed to mention though: The Public Service Announcement.
See, while we sat staring rapt at the screen in our pajamas with our bowls of sugary cereal in front of us, the folks who ran the networks were plotting to educate us! They wanted to teach us things that weren't taught in schools and they used our favorite characters to do so.
Most of these are either very narmy, disturbing, or both.


Even as a kid I thought this ad was a bit odd. I think it was the really awkward acting, or the fact that The Turtles were made up of recycled animation that doesn't match up from scene to scene. It's even weirder now because my adult logic says "Who runs around with four huge joints and just randomly offers them to people? That's a great way to get arrested." I think it's indicative of the fact that the people who make things like this have no idea how the drug game really works. See also: Reefer Madness


What a weird ad. Maybe if they had made a "Don't jack off in the back of porno theaters" PSA then Pee Wee would still have a career.

Lets go with another famous one. This one one doesn't have any notable kid's show characters, but it's still a great bit of fun:

You know what kids learn from ads like this? Hide your damn weed better!

Lets go even more retro:

I think it's meant to be scary but it seems to make a case for taking drugs rather than staying away from them.


"Gee Yogi, why is smoking so bad?"
"That's easy Boo-boo...it'll make your goddamn head come off!"


It seems like just about every kid-centric TV show and movie from the 70s to the 90s had some sort of lame PSA made with it's characters.

Case in point:

I wish they had made an episode where Lion-O got drunk and threw Snarf under a speeding bus. His voice makes me want to attack him with a ball peen hammer.


Ummm, yeah, thanks He-man! Always listen to strange men wearing fur underwear when they talk about your body.
Truthfully, I've never watched an episode of He-man or She-ra in my life, but the limited animation seems to give it a creepy uncanny valley vibe. Am I the only one that gets this from it?


Hooray for ruining Halloween by being over protective and creating unwarranted public panic! It also kind of pisses me off that they stole pieces of Garfield's Halloween Adventure. Way to take something awesome and make it lame!

And of course you can't talk about stupid PSA's aimed at kids without mentioning the infamous GI Joe spots:





Good wholesome safety tips for the whole family to take a note of!

Stay classy ya'll, and always eat your Gopher Cakes!:

More Comic Book Covers

The final batch of covers. Sorry these aren't as interesting as the last ones.

What If? is a pretty cool series if you're really into comic books. It presents alternate versions of well known comic book stories and lets the writers stretch their imaginations a bit. Also, I know this cover is a reworking of a famous Amazing Spider-man cover, but I can't find it! Can anyone help?


I like this cover and it's a pretty good comic too. It's part of a continuing story where Reed Richards loses his powers and has to go back into space to get them, having to fight off the Red Ghost in the process. Dr. Doom also makes an appearance, of course. Doom is one of my favorite comic book villains. He's such an asshole, but he has no real reason to be. The Fantastic Four weren't responsible for his disfigurement, but he torments them anyways. What a prick!


A pretty tame Batman cover. Kind of a "blah" comic too.


I like how this one is a call back to the pulp magazine bondage covers of the 30s and 40s. Too bad the book itself is really lame.


And finally, something non-comic book related:

This was the insert for a 4 dollar movie I bought recently. Pretty cool eh? I love classic exploitation art. You just don't get the kind of weird and lurid stuff on movie posters that you used to.

More From Captain Bob (See Below Post)

Why? What does it matter to you? You fucking white middle class bitch! You've never felt real pain! You sit in your fucking white middle class suburban home and drink your fancy expensive wine and watch brain dead TV while all of us are out here doing real work! This is hard, it tries my patience, it taxes my muscles, it burns my brain! I WILL NOT TAKE ANYMORE SHIT FROM YOU! And thus, the first thing I will do is rip your throat out with this corkscrew.

You're upside down because I want you to watch the blood as it drains down from the incisions I make in your abdomen. I want you to taste it, feel it's warmth as it flows away from you, I want you to appreciate the life that you're losing. That's all that really matters isn't it? Everything is just time wasting shit if you don't enjoy it. Too bad you have to learn that this way. *slice!*

When I was six my dad started burning me with his cigars when I was bad. Then he started doing it whenever he felt like it. Here...*scream*
That feel good? No? How about if I do it...here? *louder screams*
Hmmm, I don't think you're getting it. I want you to feel a bit of what I, and your kids, felt. How about if I put it...here? *ear splitting screams*
Oh, there it is! I love the feeling don't you? The joy of an artist when he finishes a painting that he knows is his masterwork, a novelist when he types in that last word, or a god who creates his first sheep and then fucks it. *sigh*
But you wouldn't no anything about art would you? No, I don't think so...*loud screams*

Oh the sledgehammer! Such a crude instrument, don't you think? It takes a lot of strength and energy to wield it once let alone over and over. It's a working class tool alright. I like using it, the only problem is that the job is over too quickly! There's not time to savor the screams or the look in their eyes. Just one smash and it's all done. No my friend, it's electro-shock torture for you! Why? Because I'm FUCKING IN CHARGE THAT'S WHY! Don't question me again or I'll rip your tongue out and shove it up your ass so the last thing you taste before you die is your own shit. What? How would you taste it if your tongue wasn't connected? I told you not to question me! *loud screams*

In my spare time I like to do jigsaw puzzles. Really complicated million piece ones. It keeps my artistic juices flowing between jobs. It says on your sheet here that you don't like puzzles. Why not? I don't know is never a right answer. *Buzzing, painful screams*
Why don't you like puzzles? I-I-I isn't good enough either! *Buzzing, painful screams*
WHY DON'T YOU LIKE PUZZLES?
That's not really a good enough answer, but I'l let it slide. In fact, I'll let you go! Haw haw, just kidding! You're going to die.

Time for a lunch break! Should I eat the skinny lawyer, or the fat pedophile teacher? Eh, I'll eat both and eat the leftovers for dinner. Damn this pedo has a small dick! It's almost microscopic! There goes the best part of the sandwich....

In a dark basement somewhere east of Slanasville...

Hello Bill.
Where am I?
I'll ask the fucking questions thank you very fucking much.
Where am...*SMACK*
Oh god, shit!
I told you to shut the fuck up and when I tell you to do something you do it! I'm in charge here! This ain't no fucking Mickey Mouse blowjob parade! I ain't got no Cinderella costume on! Got it Billy boy? Right. I'll allow you to ask one question now.
Where...Where am I? Why am I chained to the wall?
That was two fucking questions! *SMACK* YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT LISTENING ARE YOU BILL? *SMACK* You're not at a beach blanket party jerking off into your shorts while motherfucking Buddy Holly plays on your shitty portable stereo. There ain't no 300 LB grandmas with wrinkly elbows to bring you fucking ice cream when the big bad kids kick over your sandcastle. I ain't your fucking grandma! Ask the fucking question again.
W-w-where am I?
It doesn't matter, you're going to be dead soon anyways. Do you like that word? Dad? It's very pleasant and peaceful sounding...
Oh dear sweet Jesus help me!
Jesus? Jesus was a pedophile that kidnapped little kids and dragged them off to his cave, his rape cave Bill! Didn't you read that part of The Bible? Why the fuck are you praying to pedophile rapist? I had a pedophile here one time. I shoved his cock into a meat grinder and then made him eat it.
What are you going to do to me?
*sigh* I'll let that one slide because I'm tired of yelling. My real world boss did a lot of yelling. Till I ripped his throat out with a pair of metal siding shears. Sometimes I feel like him, like his soul is living in my body. Then I get mean and start yelling. I'm not really mean. I don't do this for fun. But it has to be done. There's not two ways around it yesindeededoo!
Please let me go, please! I have a wife and kids!
Oh, really Bill? Do you think of them when you're skull fucking your secretary in those shitty motels?
I never...
I have it on tape. Do you want to see? I showed it to a friend of mine and he threw up! Fucking threw up right there in front of me! I guess that's not a big thing for you since you don't know Don, but he's even more fucked up in the head then I am! I guess seeing too much of your hairy ass and floppy weird looking balls sent him over the edge...
You can't do this YOU CAN'T!
You don't know how cliche you sound right now. You know how many people I've ripped apart in here? Didn't you notice how bad it smells? You think I like this smell? Do you think I like hearing people scream as pieces come off of them? I don't get off on this shit like a lot of people do. But it has to be done. It's my fucking JOB!
If I get out of here, you'll pay for this you sick fuck!
*sigh* You all sound the same, exactly the fucking same...wonder what I'll use on you though. Gonna take a lot of tearing since you're so goddamn fat. I like to feed my creative instincts and you certainly have a wide enough canvas for me to do that!
I'm dreaming! I've got to be! This can't be real! Why can't I wake up? Oh dear god...
Reality is a dream created and controlled by things well beyond your simple comprehension. If you were any smarter you would connect the dots and realize that I am one of their agents. You are a flaw in the system that must be dealt with in the harshest way possible.
YOU'RE INSANE!
Nope, I'm perfectly sane, this is just my job...oooh, band saw! It's trite and obvious but it's good to start with.
*sob*
One more thing before we start here. When you reach the other side and you sit in judgement before the elders, please don't lie about what you've done. You might get a small bit of time in Hell and be sent back to the system again if they think you have a chance of repenting. Probably not, but it's worth a try. Oh and this is going to hurt...a LOT!
*loud screams*

Stuff

I decided to do something different tonight. What I post up here is pretty much dependent on the kind of mood I'm in and I'm in a strange mood tonight. Actually, I've been in a strange mood all week but tonight I feel really weird. Maybe it's just frustration getting to me again. I think, like anybody, that when faced with things that I'd rather not deal with I escape into fantasy, but my fantasies are always dark and weird. I want to run around fighting evil sickening things with various sharp instruments, blowing up living dead creatures with dynamite, and drill holes in Al Gore's head to find out of there really is a tiny alien inside his brain controlling him. Yeah, I 'm not quite right. I've come to accept that.
So anyways...some stuff.

3 Freaky Songs:
From the Halloween (2007) Soundtrack:

I love how subtly creepy this version is, plus it's beautiful. It deserved to be in a better movie than Rob Zombie's Halloween that's for sure.


I could have put up a lot of songs from The Marshall Mathers LP but I think this one is just freaky enough with out crossing the line into unleaded nightmare fuel like Kim. Plus it has the line "Put your hands down bitch, I ain't gonna shoot you, I'm gonna pull you to this bullet and put it through you!" Awesome.


You know the story behind this song? Sabbath's guitarist, Tony Iommi, woke up one night, thought he saw a demon sitting on the end of his bed, and freaked the fuck out. Knowing that makes the song so much creepier. "Oh no no, please god help me!"

Random Thing:
My friend told me today that when she was in college she had people coming up to her all the time asking where the rest of the Mexicans were at and where to get good tequila. She's third generation Mexican-American and doesn't have a trace of an accent.

And finally, another Nightmare Theater/Family Circus mashup I made in MS Paint:


And one with Skadi!:

(Skadi and Kimbo are here: http://dummcomics.com/ of course)

Putting this super secret (not really) thing together, hope to have it done this weekend!
Peace!