1. Soggy Cereal
2. The awkwardness that comes when a girl you like says that she thinks of herself as ugly and/or stupid.
3. When I start a friendship with someone and then find out that they're a racist misogynistic asshole.
4. Seeing spiders get killed.
5. A great movie with a horrible ending that makes the whole rest of what you just watched suck. (I'm looking at you I Bury the Living).
6. Shitty remakes of good movies.
7. When I discover a great relatively unknown movie and then find out that there's a remake coming out soon. (Everyone watch the original Don't Look Now and please skip the one coming out in 2011).
8. Being into a girl and then finding out that they have a boyfriend/are married. And then having them mention their significant other in every conversation.
6. John Mayer/Jason Marz/Jack Johnson...DOUCHEBAG ACOUSTIC GUITAR ROCK!
7. The spins you get from drinking a lot which inevitably leads to profuse vomiting.
8. Being talked to like a little child.
9. Piles of dead insects. Usually houseflies, but cockroaches would be pretty bad too.
10. People who talk crap about Mystery Science Theater 3000. SHUT UP OR I WILL SERIOUSLY CUT YOU!
11. Walking into a public bathroom with one sit down stall and finding that someone has shit on the floor/on the seat. (This has happened to me way too many times).
12. Cellphones in movie theaters or libraries or any other place that you should be able to go to escape assholes and their cellphones.
13. The fact that Oprah has her own magazine and puts herself on every cover. And for reasons that I can't quite come to terms with, the fact that she got millions of housewives to read Steinbeck, which they never would have touched otherwise, makes me want to hurl.
And finally, one thing that I love:
Oasis techno.
Oh and one more thing. I really want to start a movie discussion club type thing again. Does anyone have any ideas for how we could get it to work better than it did last time?
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Saturday, May 1, 2010
It's motherf**king Cartoon Time
Yes it is. Here's some animations that you should watch. Because they are awesome.
Tex Avery spits in the eye of every overly cute fairy tale cartoon ever made:
A simple story of life, death, and gerbils:
Radiohead makes me feel weird...in my pants
And finally, Fleisher mindfuckery at it's very best:
Happy nightmares!
Edit: Okay, how about one more awesome Betty Boop cartoon?:
Tex Avery spits in the eye of every overly cute fairy tale cartoon ever made:
A simple story of life, death, and gerbils:
Radiohead makes me feel weird...in my pants
And finally, Fleisher mindfuckery at it's very best:
Happy nightmares!
Edit: Okay, how about one more awesome Betty Boop cartoon?:
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Dear Diary: Thursday the 29th
Apologies to Oisin O'Sullivan as I sort of ripped off his story format.
Hello Allison, my love, my sweet. I have some thoughts to give to you, so please lend an ear...
This city smells like rot and decay, the stench of a million things dieing and not being able to decompose properly and become part of the earth. It's hard to do when everything is made of concrete. I shouldn't think so much about it, but whenever I walk down the street all I can think about is how a city of 3 million people, with so many living breathing things everywhere, could stink so bad....
I wish that I had never moved away from the country. "Go." The doctor said. Remember that? He said that I needed to be around people. That the solitude was making me crazy. I may have done somethings that were a bit odd, but I don't think I was crazy. I never hurt anyone. Hell, I never wanted to hurt anyone. But now everyday I want to stab someone, or throw them in front of the subway train, or punch them till their faces cave in. I hate these cockroaches, this scum of the world that thinks it's important enough to warrant destroying everything to suit itself. These pushy ungrateful lazy rude festering wastes of precious air and recourses. I never gave other people much thought till I had to live and work among them. Now I despise each and every last one of them.
Every time I think about my lovely trees and my lake and my log cabin, it hurts. It hurts so bad. But I need to go back there in my mind or I'd go completely insane. Today at work my boss yelled at me in front of everybody because some lady complained to him that I wasn't polite enough. He yelled till his face was beet red and veins popped out of his forehead and neck. All I had done was explain to the lady how the gas pumps were supposed to work and she wasn't getting it, so of course after a very long time of trying to make her understand I got frustrated and angry. I didn't yell or anything but I guess my tone was condescending or something and she spent a long time in my bosses office.
So my boss was yelling at me and everyone was looking and I thought about killing him. Right then and there, just putting my hands around his pudgy neck and squeezing till he died. Or tackling him and beating his head on the floor till his skull cracked and his brains started to leak out.
Allison, you know I'm not a violent person right? My past entries in you give testament to that. That is why I love you more than anything else in the world. You know all my secrets but tell no one.
I'm hungry but all I have is leftover hot dogs and a this half bottle of Jack Daniels. I suppose it will have to do. Maybe I can get drunk enough and the hot dogs won't taste so bad.
I have a dream to relate before I go. I know you love these my darling, even more than I do. Just another reason that you are my perfect girl.
I was in some rich person's mansion. This probably came from some TV show that I had seen recently. When Mandy had her party last Friday, we all watched brainless TV so we didn't have to talk to each other so much. But you know that already.
I was standing at the top of the stairs looking down. It was very dark and I could just make out a figure standing at the bottom looking up at me. At first it was just a blurry white shape, but then it started to move up the stairs and I gradually came to the realization that it was a woman. A woman I had never me before. She was very pretty but I knew she was dead and it made me very sad. When she got up to me, she opened her arms and embraced me...
Suddenly I was in a trailer house watching a very fat man murder his wife. He was about finished when I got there, and he stabbed her a few more times before standing up and looking right at me. He handed me the knife without a word and then sat back in his easy chair and turned on The Muppet Show. His wife got up, went into the kitchen, and started to make some food. I was going to ask her if being dead hurt and if she could make me a turkey pot pie because I blew most of my paycheck on cheap books, but then I woke up.
My dear Allison, it is Thursday. One more day of work till the weekend. I've almost finished reading the last book in the original Tarzan series. I would love to read more of Burroughs work but none of the used bookstores I frequent seem to have anything of his. I could get it new but I have no money for new books. Where is the library in this stinking place? Do those even exist anymore? I may have to do some more searching to find out. Maybe this weekend?
I love you Allison. Please be a good girl till we meet again even though I like it when you're bad sometimes. I think about you a lot at work, you know that right? Of course you do. You're with me in spirit always. Adieu!
Hello Allison, my love, my sweet. I have some thoughts to give to you, so please lend an ear...
This city smells like rot and decay, the stench of a million things dieing and not being able to decompose properly and become part of the earth. It's hard to do when everything is made of concrete. I shouldn't think so much about it, but whenever I walk down the street all I can think about is how a city of 3 million people, with so many living breathing things everywhere, could stink so bad....
I wish that I had never moved away from the country. "Go." The doctor said. Remember that? He said that I needed to be around people. That the solitude was making me crazy. I may have done somethings that were a bit odd, but I don't think I was crazy. I never hurt anyone. Hell, I never wanted to hurt anyone. But now everyday I want to stab someone, or throw them in front of the subway train, or punch them till their faces cave in. I hate these cockroaches, this scum of the world that thinks it's important enough to warrant destroying everything to suit itself. These pushy ungrateful lazy rude festering wastes of precious air and recourses. I never gave other people much thought till I had to live and work among them. Now I despise each and every last one of them.
Every time I think about my lovely trees and my lake and my log cabin, it hurts. It hurts so bad. But I need to go back there in my mind or I'd go completely insane. Today at work my boss yelled at me in front of everybody because some lady complained to him that I wasn't polite enough. He yelled till his face was beet red and veins popped out of his forehead and neck. All I had done was explain to the lady how the gas pumps were supposed to work and she wasn't getting it, so of course after a very long time of trying to make her understand I got frustrated and angry. I didn't yell or anything but I guess my tone was condescending or something and she spent a long time in my bosses office.
So my boss was yelling at me and everyone was looking and I thought about killing him. Right then and there, just putting my hands around his pudgy neck and squeezing till he died. Or tackling him and beating his head on the floor till his skull cracked and his brains started to leak out.
Allison, you know I'm not a violent person right? My past entries in you give testament to that. That is why I love you more than anything else in the world. You know all my secrets but tell no one.
I'm hungry but all I have is leftover hot dogs and a this half bottle of Jack Daniels. I suppose it will have to do. Maybe I can get drunk enough and the hot dogs won't taste so bad.
I have a dream to relate before I go. I know you love these my darling, even more than I do. Just another reason that you are my perfect girl.
I was in some rich person's mansion. This probably came from some TV show that I had seen recently. When Mandy had her party last Friday, we all watched brainless TV so we didn't have to talk to each other so much. But you know that already.
I was standing at the top of the stairs looking down. It was very dark and I could just make out a figure standing at the bottom looking up at me. At first it was just a blurry white shape, but then it started to move up the stairs and I gradually came to the realization that it was a woman. A woman I had never me before. She was very pretty but I knew she was dead and it made me very sad. When she got up to me, she opened her arms and embraced me...
Suddenly I was in a trailer house watching a very fat man murder his wife. He was about finished when I got there, and he stabbed her a few more times before standing up and looking right at me. He handed me the knife without a word and then sat back in his easy chair and turned on The Muppet Show. His wife got up, went into the kitchen, and started to make some food. I was going to ask her if being dead hurt and if she could make me a turkey pot pie because I blew most of my paycheck on cheap books, but then I woke up.
My dear Allison, it is Thursday. One more day of work till the weekend. I've almost finished reading the last book in the original Tarzan series. I would love to read more of Burroughs work but none of the used bookstores I frequent seem to have anything of his. I could get it new but I have no money for new books. Where is the library in this stinking place? Do those even exist anymore? I may have to do some more searching to find out. Maybe this weekend?
I love you Allison. Please be a good girl till we meet again even though I like it when you're bad sometimes. I think about you a lot at work, you know that right? Of course you do. You're with me in spirit always. Adieu!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Phases
Phase 1:
The monkey will bite you so you have to hit it with the two by four. Hit it really hard so that you knock it out or you'll just piss it off and it'll chew off your face.
Phase 2:
You are the lord of the dance. Too bad you have no feet. Pound those stumps into the ground until they're bloody and maybe you'll get some sympathy. Probably not. You suck at life.
Phase 3:
Why does your head hurt? You're probably not drinking enough human blood. Take into account that school children are going to have less even though they're easier prey and start attacking fat mall guards. They're full of blood and other delicious things, and they can't run very fast. On top of that you'll be doing society at large a favor by taking them out.
Phase 4:
Do you remember when you were a kid and you accidentally killed that caterpillar? How your hand was covered in it's guts and it wouldn't come off and all you could do was smear it on your jeans? Remember how bad you felt, thinking about the beautiful butterfly it could have become? You need to forget that and finish nailing the neighbor's dog to that cross.
Phase 5:
Your porn name is Buster Hymen. How do you feel about that? Well you don't have a choice, you're doing this movie because you owe your kid's kindergarten teacher a ton of coke money. Now keep fucking that chicken!
Phase 6:
Have you read Euphoric and Meloncholic Tales of Modern Suburbia yet? No? I guess I'll leave the electric nipple clamps on for a while longer then...
Phase 7:
Seven is your lucky number. Or at least it usually is. Today is not your lucky day, however. When would you say that your luck started to turn sour? When you farted in front of that pretty girl you say? I was going to say it was when you stepped through to that nightmare dimension where everyone runs around screaming while blood flows from their eyes and eyes and the air is filled with the godawful sounds of Justin Mraz coming from everywhere and nowhere. But I guess that girl was pretty cute...
Phase 8:
Phase 8 is boring. Not much happens. Well, you do get to perform your amazing self-sodomy trick at your 8 year old cousins birthday party. Nothing to write home about though.
Phase 9:
You're almost finished! Just one more phase after this! Fill out this comment form and then stick it up your ass. Please.
Phase 10:
Your final act will be to close your eyes and then run as far as you can in one direction. When you think you're far enough away from your currents surroundings, open your eyes. What do you see in front of you? Whatever it is, human, animal, inanimate object, demon hell spawn come to steal away human children and replace them with it's own, I want you to eat it. If you have to kill it first, then please do so, but you have to consume every single bit of it without throwing up. Ah shit, you failed! It's back to the monkey for you mate...
Consolation prize:
You got second place. Congrats. Please place your upper jaw on the edge of this curb. Your prize is toothlessness and pain. Stop crying. Teeth are over-rated anyways.
First prize:
A jar of Mrs. Greives pubic hair mayonnaise. What? You don't like it? You ungrateful bastard! That shits expensive!
The monkey will bite you so you have to hit it with the two by four. Hit it really hard so that you knock it out or you'll just piss it off and it'll chew off your face.
Phase 2:
You are the lord of the dance. Too bad you have no feet. Pound those stumps into the ground until they're bloody and maybe you'll get some sympathy. Probably not. You suck at life.
Phase 3:
Why does your head hurt? You're probably not drinking enough human blood. Take into account that school children are going to have less even though they're easier prey and start attacking fat mall guards. They're full of blood and other delicious things, and they can't run very fast. On top of that you'll be doing society at large a favor by taking them out.
Phase 4:
Do you remember when you were a kid and you accidentally killed that caterpillar? How your hand was covered in it's guts and it wouldn't come off and all you could do was smear it on your jeans? Remember how bad you felt, thinking about the beautiful butterfly it could have become? You need to forget that and finish nailing the neighbor's dog to that cross.
Phase 5:
Your porn name is Buster Hymen. How do you feel about that? Well you don't have a choice, you're doing this movie because you owe your kid's kindergarten teacher a ton of coke money. Now keep fucking that chicken!
Phase 6:
Have you read Euphoric and Meloncholic Tales of Modern Suburbia yet? No? I guess I'll leave the electric nipple clamps on for a while longer then...
Phase 7:
Seven is your lucky number. Or at least it usually is. Today is not your lucky day, however. When would you say that your luck started to turn sour? When you farted in front of that pretty girl you say? I was going to say it was when you stepped through to that nightmare dimension where everyone runs around screaming while blood flows from their eyes and eyes and the air is filled with the godawful sounds of Justin Mraz coming from everywhere and nowhere. But I guess that girl was pretty cute...
Phase 8:
Phase 8 is boring. Not much happens. Well, you do get to perform your amazing self-sodomy trick at your 8 year old cousins birthday party. Nothing to write home about though.
Phase 9:
You're almost finished! Just one more phase after this! Fill out this comment form and then stick it up your ass. Please.
Phase 10:
Your final act will be to close your eyes and then run as far as you can in one direction. When you think you're far enough away from your currents surroundings, open your eyes. What do you see in front of you? Whatever it is, human, animal, inanimate object, demon hell spawn come to steal away human children and replace them with it's own, I want you to eat it. If you have to kill it first, then please do so, but you have to consume every single bit of it without throwing up. Ah shit, you failed! It's back to the monkey for you mate...
Consolation prize:
You got second place. Congrats. Please place your upper jaw on the edge of this curb. Your prize is toothlessness and pain. Stop crying. Teeth are over-rated anyways.
First prize:
A jar of Mrs. Greives pubic hair mayonnaise. What? You don't like it? You ungrateful bastard! That shits expensive!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
From the Archives #1
A while back I attempted to write a story for every deadly sin, to be published in a book that never came to be for a couple of reasons. For one thing, the stories were way too short. For another, some of them weren't very good. It think this is one of the best of the bunch, although I don't think it's all that great. I dunno. I present it for you, my bonny droogs, for your consideration.
Gluttony
“CLETUS! CLETUS GODAMMIT GET YOUR ASS IN HERE NOW!”
Cletus looked down at the large stack of bills in his hands. Most of them were for food. What the Hell did that woman want now? He walked the short way through the kitchen to the back of their trailer. Before he could even open the door the voice bellowed again
“CLETUS YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING SACK OF DOGSHIT, I NEED YOU NOW!”
He shivered slightly and slowly opened the door. The shades were drawn but they didn’t help to keep the sun out, it just made the small room look even more brown and dirty than it already was. Gingerly stepping around piles of fast food wrappers and pizza boxes and trying not to smash any of the many families of cockroaches that had made this their home and primary source of food, he made his way to the mattress butted up against the far wall. There his wife lay, a hideous stinking blob of fat and flesh with eyes, teeth, and hair. She held a partially devoured chicken bone in one hand and her eyes were glued to a TV set that Cletus had mounted to the ceiling so she could watch her stories without having to sit up.
Good God, he thought, you can’t even see the mattress anymore. He took off his ratty truckers hat and held it gingerly between two fingers.
“Yes dear? What is it dear?”
She took a large bite off the end of a chicken leg, taking most of the bone with it, and sat crunching it. Cletus tried again.
“Yes dear? What did you want dear?” She swallowed and took a heavy breath to speak.
“Cletus, I want you to go out and get me some more chicken. And some ribs. And a triple-decker ice cream cone. And a bucket of pickles…”
Oh no, thought Cletus as she rambled on and on, food again. Why did I think it was going to be anything but food? Because of her eating habits they were flat broke. In fact they were worse than broke, they were severely in debt with no way out. He resisted the urge to tell her this because the room smelled awful and he wanted to get out as quickly as possible. She wouldn’t listen anyways, all she would do was yell about how he didn’t love her and then she would cry. He hated to see her cry.
“…and a ham sandwich, and two big macs from that place with the red haired clown that I like so much, and a carton of Twinkies. Low-fat though, I’m trying to watch my figure.” Cletus sighed.
“Yes Mary-Beth, right away dear.” He turned to leave.
“Cletus?” Her voice softened.
“Yes dear.”
“I love you honey.”
“Love you to pumpkin.”
After he left Cletus stood for a bit looking sadly at the door. What was he going to do? What the Hell were they going to do? He covered his head with his hands and sobbed softly.
She hadn’t always been like she was, otherwise Cletus never would have married her. When they had gotten hitched, she had been darn right purty lookin’. Sure she had a lazy eye and was missing a few teeth, but he was no Dean Martin himself. They had wed at one of those classy drive through chapels and had their honeymoon in a fancy Motel-6 downtown that even had dirty movies on the TV and a cement pond outside. God she looked gorgeous in that swimsuit. Cletus sat on the couch in the living space remembering how it was on their wedding night and smiled. He couldn’t go to work anymore because he had to take care of her all day. He had to bring her food and bathe her, usually with a rag on a stick, and sometimes she just got lonely and he’d sit and tell her stories his mother used to tell him when he was a kid about elves and guys in metal suits. It was stupid shit but she loved it. Well, she used to. Now all she wanted was food all damn day and night.
Shit, he thought and frowned, we can’t afford no more food at all. He would have lit a cigarette but there was no more money for those. No more money for beer, no more money for heat, no more money for water or electricity. He had borrowed from everyone he could think of, his whole damn family, had maxed out all the credit cards, had sold his truck, but it still wasn’t enough. He sat up and looked around.
I’d better git out of here before she starts yellin’ again, he thought, I don’t think I could take it.
He quietly let himself out the front door and went for a walk around the trailer park. Walking helped him think sometimes, especially when it was nice out like today. It was Sunday morning so most people were in Church, or inside watching football on TV. Cletus smiled, he missed football. Mary-Beth used to watch games with him, even though she wasn’t a big football fan, and would cheer when he cheered and curse when he cursed. Those first few years were darn right nice, then she had got fat and everything fell apart. It had happened so fast, it was only three weeks before she was too big to walk by herself and he had to buy her a ‘lectric scooter. When they had gone to Wally-Mart she had to ride in one of them motorized carts and would fill bag after bag with food. It wasn’t any different than most people there but it still made him sad to see her like that. It was another month gone by after that and she couldn’t even get out of bed. Oh my poor poor Mary Beth, he thought…
Cletus had gotten about a block away, down by the Martens when he heard her yell. He jumped about a foot out of his boots and ran as fast as his legs could carry him back to their trailer by the gate.
She was yelling so loud that his ears felt like they were going to burst, but it wasn’t any yelling like he’d ever heard before. She was screaming some kind of garbled words over and over.
“YOSOTTH OTH, GO HEELA MORTEN FOSFERATE. RYLETH CTHULU MARTRAINS YOMORNATE…”
Cletus stood looking at the hideous thing that used to be his wife, eyes now yellow and foaming at the mouth, completely at a loss what to do. Suddenly she stopped and looked at him and in a low growling voice that sounded nothing like her own said
“GET ME SOME FOOD YOU FUCKING WASTE OF SPACE, I COMMAND YOU! GO NOW!”
Cletus stuttered, “what…what do you want to…eat, there’s no more food in the in the house and we don’t have anymore money to buy any…”
“I DON’T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU BRING ME, JUST BRING ME SOMETHING TO EAT!”
“oh…okay dear…don’t worry I’ll go get you something’ real good, just hold tight now…”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET ME SOME FOOD OR YOU’LL BE SORRY, I SWEAR ON YOUR MOTHERS GRAVE YOU’LL REGRET…”
Cletus turned tail and ran as fast as he could back out the door and out into the street. When he was far enough away he slowed to a walk and started to think again.
The first person that he met that bright sunny Sunday morning was Bill the Mailman. Bill was always very cheery, a bit too cheery for Cletus. Plus he was the man who brought him bills.
“How ya doing there Clet? How’s the wife?”
Cletus looked down at the holes in his boots. “Oh, she’s doing alright I guess.” he said in a low voice.
“What was that pal? I didn’t catch that ya there.”
Cletus looked up into Bill’s shiny smiling face. “I said…” Suddenly a though hit him like a ton of bricks. It wasn’t a very nice thought, in fact it was downright evil, but he was a desperate man and it was a very good idea…
He cleared his throat. “Say uh, Bill, how’d you like to come to a little uh football party I’m having tonight?
Bill’s face lit up more than usual. “Say, that’s a good idea there Clet, I’d love to. Mind if I bring my wife along? She’s a big pigskin fan herself. “
Cletus smiled evilly, “Yeah, sure, the more the merrier and be sure to invite lots of other people. Have them be there at 7:00 sharp tonight. And bring lots of food if you can.”
Bill was positively beaming now. “Sure, thanks for the invite, boy won’t the guys down at the post office be glad to hear this, they’re always complaining that they don’t get out enough.”
And with that he turned and walked down the street. He was practically skipping. Cletus stood for a bit laughing to himself and then went door to door inviting everyone in the park.
When Cletus got home a couple hours later the first thing he did was check on Mary-Beth. She was sleeping peacefully, that was good. Then he went around and cleaned up the trailer as best he could and sat and waited for the first guests to arrive. Of course the first person to arrive was Bill with his arm around his blonde trophy wife and a six pack of beer in one hand.
He smiled, “Hey Clet…” He stopped and looked confused. “Where’s the TV?”
“Oh it’s just in the other room here” said Cletus and grabbed the beer. “Come on, I’ll show you the way.”
They walked through the kitchen and stood in front of the door at the back of the trailer. Cletus smiled,
“Just in here my good friends.”
Quickly, quicker than he thought he would be able too, he opened the door and shoved them both in. Then he stood with his back to it holding the knob, listening to them yell. Bill’s muffled voice come from behind the door.
“Okay Cletus, very funny joke now let us out. It really smells bad in here and my wife has her best dress on and…”
Suddenly there was a sound, sort of like an injured cow screaming in pain, and a large FLOP of something hitting the floor. Bill and his wife both started to scream.
“OH GOD, PLEASE LET US OUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD…”
Cletus held tightly to the door and listened to them scream, laughing to himself. Above the screams he could hear a smacking sound like wet meat hitting together and it slowly got closer and closer to the door.
“OH GOD NO, THE CAN’T BE HAPPENING, THIS CAN’T BE…”
Then there was a large snapping crunch and Bill screamed in pain and then was cut off. The crunching continued followed by a large belch, all the while Bill’s wife was screaming hysterically and clawing at the windows, which were too small for anyone to get out of anyways. The flopping sounds went away from the door and soon her screams stopped.
Cletus smiled and went back to the living room to await the rest of the guests.
Two by two and one by one they all came. Bill’s co-workers came in a large group and Cletus was scared Mary-Beth wouldn’t be able to get them all at once. Maybe they would hurt her? But it was no problem, they simply clawed at the walls and yelled while she devoured them one by one.
The Martens, The Breeches, The Shenton’s and the Pilboughs with their stupid yappy dog, they all came and were all herded to their doom. When he was sure they were all gone Cletus smiled and sat on the couch and cracked open one of Bill’s beers, breathing a sigh of relief. Hopefully she wouldn’t have to eat for a very long time now…
Suddenly he heard a loud moan. He walked over and put his ear to the door. From the confines of the back room he heard a voice say softly:
“Cletus….Cletus love…I…want…more…FOOD!!!”
He stumbled back just as she hit the door hard, breaking it down completely. All he could see was a writhing mass of fat in the doorway, fat and teeth. Tentacles of blubber reached for him, pulling him closer to its gaping maw.
“Honey pie,” it said and took a large bite out of his face. When it was through with him it broke through the sidewall of the trailer and flopped off into the night for the trailer park just down the street.
Gluttony
“CLETUS! CLETUS GODAMMIT GET YOUR ASS IN HERE NOW!”
Cletus looked down at the large stack of bills in his hands. Most of them were for food. What the Hell did that woman want now? He walked the short way through the kitchen to the back of their trailer. Before he could even open the door the voice bellowed again
“CLETUS YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING SACK OF DOGSHIT, I NEED YOU NOW!”
He shivered slightly and slowly opened the door. The shades were drawn but they didn’t help to keep the sun out, it just made the small room look even more brown and dirty than it already was. Gingerly stepping around piles of fast food wrappers and pizza boxes and trying not to smash any of the many families of cockroaches that had made this their home and primary source of food, he made his way to the mattress butted up against the far wall. There his wife lay, a hideous stinking blob of fat and flesh with eyes, teeth, and hair. She held a partially devoured chicken bone in one hand and her eyes were glued to a TV set that Cletus had mounted to the ceiling so she could watch her stories without having to sit up.
Good God, he thought, you can’t even see the mattress anymore. He took off his ratty truckers hat and held it gingerly between two fingers.
“Yes dear? What is it dear?”
She took a large bite off the end of a chicken leg, taking most of the bone with it, and sat crunching it. Cletus tried again.
“Yes dear? What did you want dear?” She swallowed and took a heavy breath to speak.
“Cletus, I want you to go out and get me some more chicken. And some ribs. And a triple-decker ice cream cone. And a bucket of pickles…”
Oh no, thought Cletus as she rambled on and on, food again. Why did I think it was going to be anything but food? Because of her eating habits they were flat broke. In fact they were worse than broke, they were severely in debt with no way out. He resisted the urge to tell her this because the room smelled awful and he wanted to get out as quickly as possible. She wouldn’t listen anyways, all she would do was yell about how he didn’t love her and then she would cry. He hated to see her cry.
“…and a ham sandwich, and two big macs from that place with the red haired clown that I like so much, and a carton of Twinkies. Low-fat though, I’m trying to watch my figure.” Cletus sighed.
“Yes Mary-Beth, right away dear.” He turned to leave.
“Cletus?” Her voice softened.
“Yes dear.”
“I love you honey.”
“Love you to pumpkin.”
After he left Cletus stood for a bit looking sadly at the door. What was he going to do? What the Hell were they going to do? He covered his head with his hands and sobbed softly.
She hadn’t always been like she was, otherwise Cletus never would have married her. When they had gotten hitched, she had been darn right purty lookin’. Sure she had a lazy eye and was missing a few teeth, but he was no Dean Martin himself. They had wed at one of those classy drive through chapels and had their honeymoon in a fancy Motel-6 downtown that even had dirty movies on the TV and a cement pond outside. God she looked gorgeous in that swimsuit. Cletus sat on the couch in the living space remembering how it was on their wedding night and smiled. He couldn’t go to work anymore because he had to take care of her all day. He had to bring her food and bathe her, usually with a rag on a stick, and sometimes she just got lonely and he’d sit and tell her stories his mother used to tell him when he was a kid about elves and guys in metal suits. It was stupid shit but she loved it. Well, she used to. Now all she wanted was food all damn day and night.
Shit, he thought and frowned, we can’t afford no more food at all. He would have lit a cigarette but there was no more money for those. No more money for beer, no more money for heat, no more money for water or electricity. He had borrowed from everyone he could think of, his whole damn family, had maxed out all the credit cards, had sold his truck, but it still wasn’t enough. He sat up and looked around.
I’d better git out of here before she starts yellin’ again, he thought, I don’t think I could take it.
He quietly let himself out the front door and went for a walk around the trailer park. Walking helped him think sometimes, especially when it was nice out like today. It was Sunday morning so most people were in Church, or inside watching football on TV. Cletus smiled, he missed football. Mary-Beth used to watch games with him, even though she wasn’t a big football fan, and would cheer when he cheered and curse when he cursed. Those first few years were darn right nice, then she had got fat and everything fell apart. It had happened so fast, it was only three weeks before she was too big to walk by herself and he had to buy her a ‘lectric scooter. When they had gone to Wally-Mart she had to ride in one of them motorized carts and would fill bag after bag with food. It wasn’t any different than most people there but it still made him sad to see her like that. It was another month gone by after that and she couldn’t even get out of bed. Oh my poor poor Mary Beth, he thought…
Cletus had gotten about a block away, down by the Martens when he heard her yell. He jumped about a foot out of his boots and ran as fast as his legs could carry him back to their trailer by the gate.
She was yelling so loud that his ears felt like they were going to burst, but it wasn’t any yelling like he’d ever heard before. She was screaming some kind of garbled words over and over.
“YOSOTTH OTH, GO HEELA MORTEN FOSFERATE. RYLETH CTHULU MARTRAINS YOMORNATE…”
Cletus stood looking at the hideous thing that used to be his wife, eyes now yellow and foaming at the mouth, completely at a loss what to do. Suddenly she stopped and looked at him and in a low growling voice that sounded nothing like her own said
“GET ME SOME FOOD YOU FUCKING WASTE OF SPACE, I COMMAND YOU! GO NOW!”
Cletus stuttered, “what…what do you want to…eat, there’s no more food in the in the house and we don’t have anymore money to buy any…”
“I DON’T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU BRING ME, JUST BRING ME SOMETHING TO EAT!”
“oh…okay dear…don’t worry I’ll go get you something’ real good, just hold tight now…”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET ME SOME FOOD OR YOU’LL BE SORRY, I SWEAR ON YOUR MOTHERS GRAVE YOU’LL REGRET…”
Cletus turned tail and ran as fast as he could back out the door and out into the street. When he was far enough away he slowed to a walk and started to think again.
The first person that he met that bright sunny Sunday morning was Bill the Mailman. Bill was always very cheery, a bit too cheery for Cletus. Plus he was the man who brought him bills.
“How ya doing there Clet? How’s the wife?”
Cletus looked down at the holes in his boots. “Oh, she’s doing alright I guess.” he said in a low voice.
“What was that pal? I didn’t catch that ya there.”
Cletus looked up into Bill’s shiny smiling face. “I said…” Suddenly a though hit him like a ton of bricks. It wasn’t a very nice thought, in fact it was downright evil, but he was a desperate man and it was a very good idea…
He cleared his throat. “Say uh, Bill, how’d you like to come to a little uh football party I’m having tonight?
Bill’s face lit up more than usual. “Say, that’s a good idea there Clet, I’d love to. Mind if I bring my wife along? She’s a big pigskin fan herself. “
Cletus smiled evilly, “Yeah, sure, the more the merrier and be sure to invite lots of other people. Have them be there at 7:00 sharp tonight. And bring lots of food if you can.”
Bill was positively beaming now. “Sure, thanks for the invite, boy won’t the guys down at the post office be glad to hear this, they’re always complaining that they don’t get out enough.”
And with that he turned and walked down the street. He was practically skipping. Cletus stood for a bit laughing to himself and then went door to door inviting everyone in the park.
When Cletus got home a couple hours later the first thing he did was check on Mary-Beth. She was sleeping peacefully, that was good. Then he went around and cleaned up the trailer as best he could and sat and waited for the first guests to arrive. Of course the first person to arrive was Bill with his arm around his blonde trophy wife and a six pack of beer in one hand.
He smiled, “Hey Clet…” He stopped and looked confused. “Where’s the TV?”
“Oh it’s just in the other room here” said Cletus and grabbed the beer. “Come on, I’ll show you the way.”
They walked through the kitchen and stood in front of the door at the back of the trailer. Cletus smiled,
“Just in here my good friends.”
Quickly, quicker than he thought he would be able too, he opened the door and shoved them both in. Then he stood with his back to it holding the knob, listening to them yell. Bill’s muffled voice come from behind the door.
“Okay Cletus, very funny joke now let us out. It really smells bad in here and my wife has her best dress on and…”
Suddenly there was a sound, sort of like an injured cow screaming in pain, and a large FLOP of something hitting the floor. Bill and his wife both started to scream.
“OH GOD, PLEASE LET US OUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD…”
Cletus held tightly to the door and listened to them scream, laughing to himself. Above the screams he could hear a smacking sound like wet meat hitting together and it slowly got closer and closer to the door.
“OH GOD NO, THE CAN’T BE HAPPENING, THIS CAN’T BE…”
Then there was a large snapping crunch and Bill screamed in pain and then was cut off. The crunching continued followed by a large belch, all the while Bill’s wife was screaming hysterically and clawing at the windows, which were too small for anyone to get out of anyways. The flopping sounds went away from the door and soon her screams stopped.
Cletus smiled and went back to the living room to await the rest of the guests.
Two by two and one by one they all came. Bill’s co-workers came in a large group and Cletus was scared Mary-Beth wouldn’t be able to get them all at once. Maybe they would hurt her? But it was no problem, they simply clawed at the walls and yelled while she devoured them one by one.
The Martens, The Breeches, The Shenton’s and the Pilboughs with their stupid yappy dog, they all came and were all herded to their doom. When he was sure they were all gone Cletus smiled and sat on the couch and cracked open one of Bill’s beers, breathing a sigh of relief. Hopefully she wouldn’t have to eat for a very long time now…
Suddenly he heard a loud moan. He walked over and put his ear to the door. From the confines of the back room he heard a voice say softly:
“Cletus….Cletus love…I…want…more…FOOD!!!”
He stumbled back just as she hit the door hard, breaking it down completely. All he could see was a writhing mass of fat in the doorway, fat and teeth. Tentacles of blubber reached for him, pulling him closer to its gaping maw.
“Honey pie,” it said and took a large bite out of his face. When it was through with him it broke through the sidewall of the trailer and flopped off into the night for the trailer park just down the street.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Total Drama Theater #3
"That movie was pretty cool."
"Yeah, I liked when the people said things and then things happened."
"Joe?"
"Yeah?"
"Why did you grab my boob?"
"I was reaching for the popcorn bag."
"That excuse would only work if you hadn't squeezed it. Several times."
"Well...did you like it?"
"I was just wondering why you did it is all."
"You have nice boobs."
"My husband thinks so too."
"I've never seen your husband..."
"He works for the mafia. He tortures people into confessing things."
"Hm. I suppose he's real scary looking then, with lots of big bulging muscles?"
"Yup."
"You don't have to tell him what I did."
"Of course I do. I tell him everything. I tell him when I have a bowel movement or when my period flow is particularity heavy."
"So he knows we go out?"
"Yup. He's not very happy about it."
"Neither am I."
"Yeah, you're going to die a pretty painful death. I suppose the least I can give you is a blowjob."
"Really?"
"No. I will push you into traffic so that your death will be less painful though."
"Would you? Shove me in front of that Semi-truck."
"Will do." (Shove).
"Wow, that guy just didn't want to stop did he? Drivers in this city, I swear..."
"Yeah, I liked when the people said things and then things happened."
"Joe?"
"Yeah?"
"Why did you grab my boob?"
"I was reaching for the popcorn bag."
"That excuse would only work if you hadn't squeezed it. Several times."
"Well...did you like it?"
"I was just wondering why you did it is all."
"You have nice boobs."
"My husband thinks so too."
"I've never seen your husband..."
"He works for the mafia. He tortures people into confessing things."
"Hm. I suppose he's real scary looking then, with lots of big bulging muscles?"
"Yup."
"You don't have to tell him what I did."
"Of course I do. I tell him everything. I tell him when I have a bowel movement or when my period flow is particularity heavy."
"So he knows we go out?"
"Yup. He's not very happy about it."
"Neither am I."
"Yeah, you're going to die a pretty painful death. I suppose the least I can give you is a blowjob."
"Really?"
"No. I will push you into traffic so that your death will be less painful though."
"Would you? Shove me in front of that Semi-truck."
"Will do." (Shove).
"Wow, that guy just didn't want to stop did he? Drivers in this city, I swear..."
Total Drama Theater #2
"HEY RACHAEL!"
"Oh jeezus! You scared the crap out of me!"
"I love you!"
"....what?"
"I love you! Isn't that awesome?"
"Um, Joe...I'm married."
"So, you can get a divorce."
"Okay, not likely."
"But I love you so much! I'll do anything for you! What do you want?"
"I don't want anything! You're starting to freak me out..."
"Do you want blood? I can give you blood!"
"What? No, don't...Oh Jesus! Jesus Christ!"
"That hurt. A lot."
"I think you need to go to the hospital."
"No no no. If I do that then you won't think I'm a man. I want you to think I'm cool and strong and can provide for you and..."
"Dude, you're starting to turn pale."
(Sings) "Let's sit down by the riverside, my love for you will never die..." (Falls over.)
"Well...that was interesting. Hey! Starbucks is have a mega-sale this weekend! I'm so stoked to go! Wait. Who am I talking to?
(End Scene)
"Oh jeezus! You scared the crap out of me!"
"I love you!"
"....what?"
"I love you! Isn't that awesome?"
"Um, Joe...I'm married."
"So, you can get a divorce."
"Okay, not likely."
"But I love you so much! I'll do anything for you! What do you want?"
"I don't want anything! You're starting to freak me out..."
"Do you want blood? I can give you blood!"
"What? No, don't...Oh Jesus! Jesus Christ!"
"That hurt. A lot."
"I think you need to go to the hospital."
"No no no. If I do that then you won't think I'm a man. I want you to think I'm cool and strong and can provide for you and..."
"Dude, you're starting to turn pale."
(Sings) "Let's sit down by the riverside, my love for you will never die..." (Falls over.)
"Well...that was interesting. Hey! Starbucks is have a mega-sale this weekend! I'm so stoked to go! Wait. Who am I talking to?
(End Scene)
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