Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Phases

Phase 1:
The monkey will bite you so you have to hit it with the two by four. Hit it really hard so that you knock it out or you'll just piss it off and it'll chew off your face.

Phase 2:
You are the lord of the dance. Too bad you have no feet. Pound those stumps into the ground until they're bloody and maybe you'll get some sympathy. Probably not. You suck at life.

Phase 3:
Why does your head hurt? You're probably not drinking enough human blood. Take into account that school children are going to have less even though they're easier prey and start attacking fat mall guards. They're full of blood and other delicious things, and they can't run very fast. On top of that you'll be doing society at large a favor by taking them out.

Phase 4:
Do you remember when you were a kid and you accidentally killed that caterpillar? How your hand was covered in it's guts and it wouldn't come off and all you could do was smear it on your jeans? Remember how bad you felt, thinking about the beautiful butterfly it could have become? You need to forget that and finish nailing the neighbor's dog to that cross.

Phase 5:
Your porn name is Buster Hymen. How do you feel about that? Well you don't have a choice, you're doing this movie because you owe your kid's kindergarten teacher a ton of coke money. Now keep fucking that chicken!

Phase 6:
Have you read Euphoric and Meloncholic Tales of Modern Suburbia yet? No? I guess I'll leave the electric nipple clamps on for a while longer then...

Phase 7:
Seven is your lucky number. Or at least it usually is. Today is not your lucky day, however. When would you say that your luck started to turn sour? When you farted in front of that pretty girl you say? I was going to say it was when you stepped through to that nightmare dimension where everyone runs around screaming while blood flows from their eyes and eyes and the air is filled with the godawful sounds of Justin Mraz coming from everywhere and nowhere. But I guess that girl was pretty cute...

Phase 8:
Phase 8 is boring. Not much happens. Well, you do get to perform your amazing self-sodomy trick at your 8 year old cousins birthday party. Nothing to write home about though.

Phase 9:
You're almost finished! Just one more phase after this! Fill out this comment form and then stick it up your ass. Please.

Phase 10:
Your final act will be to close your eyes and then run as far as you can in one direction. When you think you're far enough away from your currents surroundings, open your eyes. What do you see in front of you? Whatever it is, human, animal, inanimate object, demon hell spawn come to steal away human children and replace them with it's own, I want you to eat it. If you have to kill it first, then please do so, but you have to consume every single bit of it without throwing up. Ah shit, you failed! It's back to the monkey for you mate...

Consolation prize:
You got second place. Congrats. Please place your upper jaw on the edge of this curb. Your prize is toothlessness and pain. Stop crying. Teeth are over-rated anyways.

First prize:
A jar of Mrs. Greives pubic hair mayonnaise. What? You don't like it? You ungrateful bastard! That shits expensive!

1 comment:

Oisin O'Sullivan said...

Yay! Number 6 is the best advertising promotion ever!

And, hey, I believe in Mrs. Grieves. She gave birth to Neptune's only daughter.