Thursday, February 25, 2010

Pointless Personal Stories

When I was eight a rock fell on my head. I don't think it was very big, but my little eight year old self had trouble picking it up later. My mom had put it on top of a post to keep the clothes-line up. I must have been angry about having to take them down or something because I was pulling the clothes off the line instead of just unpinning them. Maybe I was just being lazy. In any case, all I remember is something hitting me, my vision turning an angry red, and then I was on the ground crying. It didn't crack my skull open or anything and I don't remember having to go to the hospital to get stitches either. But damn did that hurt.

I can't remember what age I was when I stepped bare-footed on a cap nail. A cap nail is normally used for insulation and has a plastic (or metal) piece on the end so you can pull it out without having to tear the shit out of what's keeping your house warm. Our house was in a constant state of repair, so there was probably more than one lying around. It was really stupid of me to walk around barefoot. If you've never seen a cap nail before, this is what I stepped on while I was lurking around outside the house with a super-soaker, trying to find my brother:
Except the one that got lodged in my foot was a lot longer. And rustier.
It didn't go all the way through my foot but it got about halfway in, enough to hurt like a son of a bitch as I crawled into the house screaming.
My grandma came over and pulled it out while I screamed over the pencil I was biting down on.
I had to get a tetanus shot some time later. I don't remember getting the shot but I remember going to see the live action Flintstones movie after. I don't remember if I enjoyed it or not. At that age I think I pretty much just accepted whatever was on the screen as quality film. The only movie I ever remember not liking was Kazaam. That horrid excuse for entertainment is an abomination that even the brain damaged would hate.

When I was twelve my best friend hit me in the face with a snow shovel. Again, it was my own damn fault. We were trying to build a fort and I got too close behind him as he brought the shovel back and he gashed my upper lip pretty good. It didn't go all the way through but it was enough to send me into crying hysterics as blood ran down my face.
I remember getting the stitches for it pretty clearly, especially since it was the only time I ever had to get them. I remember the long needle they put in my lip to numb the pain. I remember how weird it felt as they stitched it up, because it didn't hurt like it should have. When I don't have a mustache, you can still see the scar pretty clearly.

When I was 19 I got pinkeye. I got pinkeye worse than I've ever had in my life. I was downtown somewhere with a couple of my friends and we were digging through junk in a pawnshop. I got R.E.M.'s Green album for about two bucks. On the car ride home my eyes started to itch. Then they started to itch really badly. I started to rub my eyes, which is a bad idea. I stuck my head out the window which helped a little bit, but not much.
The next morning my eyes were a gunky mess. And the itching drove me insane. All I could do was curl my hands up in front of my face and yell in frustration because I couldn't itch them or I'd make it worse.
I remember sitting in front of the tiny TV I had in my room, watching West Side Story through the layer of gunk that kept forming. Then I did another stupid thing. I went into the bathroom, filled the sink with water, and submerged my face. Stupid. I'm surprised my whole family didn't get diseased. It did feel good though.
Then it started to go away.
Then my corneas got scratched.
Both of them.
If you've never had a scratched cornea, just pray it never ever happens. It's one of the most irritating things ever. Every time you blink you can feel it, this stinging pain, till you want to claw your eyes out.
I have no idea how my eyes got so bad. It had to have been from the pinkeye, but the doctors I went to had no idea how it could have happened. My left eye was so scratched that it wore away the inner lining of my eyelid. The eye doctor acted like he had never seen anything like it before.
I don't remember how long it lasted, but it felt like forever. I couldn't see because both my eyes were gauzed shut. And it hurt, oh god did it hurt. Most of the time I was hopped up on painkillers and when I wasn't I was miserable and sick. It was probably the worst thing that has ever happened to me and it came out of nowhere and left scar tissue on my eyeballs. It certainly didn't make my horrible vision any better.
I still love that album though. I've listened to it more times than I can count.

When I was 14 I had my first kiss. It was from a cute, sort of chubby girl with short blonde hair. I didn't see her again till a few summers after. She had gained a massive amount of weight and was so annoying that I couldn't stand to be around her at all. I wish I knew what she was doing now. I feel bad that I acted like nothing had ever happened between us. I just want to apologize for being a stupid kid.

When I was born I peed in the doctor's face. True story.

1 comment:

Justin said...

Not pointless, I'd say. Very interesting.

I have one: As an infant, I'd somehow crawled into the bathroom, where I found a cord. Not knowing that this cord was attached to a hot curling iron, I yanked it, and down it fell on my tiny thigh. My Dad broke the curling iron to pieces and we haven't had one since. I had to go to the doctor twice a week for about a month, and I now have a 7x1 inch bald spot on my thigh.