Doug Not So Funny

Patty stepped out her front door into the cold grey November day. It was colder than she had thought and she was glad to have bundled up as much as she did. It hadn’t snowed yet so all the chill hung in the air making it colder than it should have been. She hugged her arms around her chest and watched her breath float in the air. Roger was late as usual. Roger was always late. As she stared down the street to see if she could see his car, her mind started to wander, first to her upcoming sixteenth birthday party, then to the big math test she had that day, and finally her thoughts came back, like they always did, to Doug. Goddamn Doug…
When they had first started dating he was alright. He took her to the movies and the Honkaburger, the usual stuff. She wasn’t really into him but she figured as a first boyfriend, he was alright. She was planning on dumping him when she found someone better, but then it started to get weird. He had started calling her late at night until her dad had ordered him to stop. Then one night he came over at 3 AM and pelted her window with rocks till she woke up. Stupidly she had met him at the back door and asked him what he wanted. He said that he had had a dream about her and had wanted to see her face. She told him not to do it again. Then one night she woke up and he was standing at her beside, staring at her. She had freaked out and kicked him a good one in the face. He had fallen down and made this weird howling noise, it was so loud it made her ears ring. She had clamped her hand over his mouth to shut him up and listened as her dad got out of bed and into his wheelchair. That always took awhile and she had time to hiss in his ear to leave and go home. He had just lain there, crying his eyes out. She told him that if he didn’t leave she’d never be seen with him again, and that got him moving and out the window. She had told her dad that she had a bad dream and that was that. Doug apologized the next day and she had forgiven him. He had gotten down on his knees in front of the whole school and begged for forgiveness. Accepting his apology was the only way to get him to stop.
She still went out with him, now completely out of pity. The poor guy had no friends left. Even that huge stoner Skeeter, who had tolerated him in the past, wouldn’t talk to him at all anymore. Patti had heard a half rumor that Doug had suggested they play some sick game involving a cracker and masturbation and that was why they weren’t friends anymore, but she didn’t believe it at first. But she did later…
Other than coming over to her house at night, Doug seemed rather boring at first. But then he started to tell her all the things that occupied his head. He said sometimes he imagined he was a superhero or a top secret agent. He said he would blank out and actually become those people. He showed her really bad drawings he had made of him torturing Roger Klatt with the James Bond crotch laser. It wasn’t normal at all. All she could do was nod and fake a smile. Then one day they were doing math homework at her house and she was pretty sure he was touching himself under the table, but she couldn’t catch him doing it. He started coming over at night again, this time serenading her with stupid songs on his banjo. He stopped doing that when her dad came out with a shotgun. He left notes in her locker saying that she was all he thought about, a perfect angel, they were meant to be together, he needed to be around her all the time. He left at least three a day. It freaked her out and she started avoiding him, which made things worse. One day he came over and cried about how he was going to kill himself if she didn’t love him and got snot and tears all over her blouse. She really did feel bad for him though, that was the problem. He was such a loser but he was so pathetic that she couldn’t tell him off. The last straw was at the Bluffington Beet Festival when he proposed to her in front of everyone…
She came out of her head and back to the cold. Damn, still no Roger. She was going to rip him a good one this time. She was about to sit down on the curb when something across the street caught her eye. It wasn’t far away but she couldn’t quite make out what it was, then a truck went by and when it passed, there was Doug. Was he wearing underwear outside his pants and a belt on his head? What the Hell? Seeing him turn up so suddenly shocked her and for a few seconds she couldn’t move, then he started to run across the street and she bolted for the house.
She had forgotten she had locked the door. In a panic she knelt down and started to rummage in her backpack for the front door keys but Doug was already standing in front of her. He grabbed her by the arms and pulled her up. What the fuck was wrong with is eyes?
“Jesus Christ Doug let go of me, what the fuck are you doing? You’re hurting me! LET GO OF ME!” She screamed and tried to lash out but he held her arms tightly. Kicking him in the shins did nothing at all.
“I’m not Doug,” he said in an eerie monotone voice, “I’m Quail-man. You will take off your clothes Patty Mayonnaise. You will take off your clothes and dance for me. Dance!”
“OH FUCK OH JESUS SOMEBODY HELP ME PLEASE!” She screamed and kicked with her legs, but he didn’t move at all. Neither of them noticed the beat up car that pulled up to the curb, or the person who got out wearing shit-kicker boots and a leather jacket…

Roger was late again. He knew he was late, but he didn’t mean to be. He had gotten ready to pick Patty up but had gotten distracted by a Mr. Swirly ad on TV. After it was over he had watched a bunch of music videos before he had remembered where he had to be. Then he had ran out the door cursing at himself. If you keep letting her down, he told himself, how are you ever going to get any? He was still thinking about how stupid he was when he came around the corner. He couldn’t figure out what was going on right away but he knew something was wrong….

Getting the goon off of her was easy, Roger just grabbed him by the shoulder, turned him around, and socked him across the mouth. To his surprise though, Doug didn’t go down, he barley moved even though is mouth was bleeding pretty good. Jesus, what was going on with his eyes? And his clothes?
“Roger Klatt, Quail-man commands you to take off your clothes, take them off and dance for Quail-man, Roger…”
It was too much weirdness for Roger to take and he solved the situation the only way he knew how…
Doug went down like a ton of bricks, holding his crotch, a grimace of pain across his face.
“What did I tell you about Patty, Doug? I fucking told you to stay away from her! You even look at her again and I’ll kill you, you understand me?” He took out his switchblade for emphasis. Then Doug started to cry.
“Oh Jesus Christ Funny, what the fuck is wrong with you? Goddman it. Let’s get out of here Patty, you’re already late for class.”
As they drove away she turned and watched the figure lying by her front door recede into the distance. She closed her eyes but she could still hear him sobbing, sobbing and softly calling out her name…

Oliver Cromwell's Head

Part of this story is true, the other part just my sick imagination. Cromwell is actually still widely revered in England, with lots of statues of him up for the tourists, but in Ireland his name is still used as a curse word. I guess that's what you get for ordering the slaughter of whole towns full of innocent people...

In September of 1658
The Lord Protector passed away
He was given a funeral fit for a king
At the glorious Westminster Abbey
But he was only buried for a time you see
For his son Richard's rule was not to be
The Royalist's took over and then
They dug up Crommy's body again...

Oh...
They hung his body way up high
And cursed his name up to the sky
They took him down and then it's said
They cut off his bloody fucking head
They threw his body in a pit
And shoved his head down on a spit
And on top of the abbey it did sit
To stare at the people passing by

One day a storm blew down upon the church
And knocked the bastard off his perch
And to the ground he swiftly fell
While Cromwell's soul raged down in Hell
A sentinel took it to a pub
And showed his friends the bastard's mug
They wondered long over their drinks
What to do with the ghastly thing

Oh...
Then someone said "let's pay our respects"
And poured his beer into it's neck
And drank the ale out from his eyes
As everyone sat and looked surprised
Then someone said, "it's my turn next!"
"Let's all have a drink from Cromwell's head!"

Then they all got drunk, so it's said
And somehow they went and lost the head
It turned up at a sideshow display
But no one cared much anyways
And now it's gone, but I bet
It'll turn up someday somewhere yet
I made a vow that before I'm dead
That I'll have a drink from Cromwell's head

I'll....
Pay the bastard my respects
And pour my beer into his neck
It was so much fun they said
Drinking beer from Cromwell's head!

Thinking...and poem!

I was thinking of doing a megapost and putting up pictures of my small collection of comic art and graphic novels. I think that would be a bit show-offy though. What do you guys think?

and now...a love poem (For Jen):

I walk around the graveyard at night
To find my love by the pale moonlight
My lady she walks between the trees
And where she steps she moves no leaves
Her clothes are tattered but her face is serene
And she loves no one but me

In life her name was Molly Malone
She was wed to a man who kept her at home
And he'd leave her all night
And lock up the door
Twas no surprise, the lady got bored
And took herself up with a butcher named Mac
And ended up with a knife in her back

Now Mac took off for Americay
When he heard how low my lady did lay
And when she speaks of him
There are tears in her eyes
Bet ya didn't know that the dead can cry

I love her I love her my Molly Malone
But It saddens me that she's all alone
So by my own hand I'll soon pass away
And then my Molly I will embrace
And make love behind the graveyard gates

More Excuses for no updates! Hooray!

It's been a very bad couple of weeks, thats all I can really say in my defense. My Internet continues to be spotty and my supervisor decided he didn't like me and proceeded to make my life a living Hell, on top of that the party I went to on Friday night didn't do me any favors. I sat down and tried to get this story I'd been working in my head out on paper and I couldn't get it to come out right, which made me even more depressed. I even stopped watching movies for a whole week, thats how down in the dumps I was. Things are looking up now, however, so hopefully I'll have enough energy and inspiration to write something good in the coming week.

How bout you guys throw some more random story ideas at me? That seemed to work pretty well last time and it was really fun to write.

Update:
Hey, since my updates have been sporadic and unfulfilling, how about some webcomic goodness? Diana Nock did this really great guest strip on Shortpacked! and she has a couple of really neat webcomics you should check out: The Intrepid Girlbot and Jinxville.

Weekend

You said “lets go out, there’s a party on tonight
We’ll get you drunk and get you laid
And we’ll come home when it’s light.”
I had nothing better to do
So I climbed into your truck
Even though I never had much luck
With all that socializing stuff

As soon as we walked in the door
You shoved a beer at me
I drank one down and looked around
At the hip happening scene
Nobody was wasted yet
So it was all a bore
I contemplated running out
The apartment’s white front door

But there was food out on the table
They were cooking it on the porch
It didn’t sit
But I ate a bit
And then I drank some more
After the food was gone
The music came on
And everyone got up to dance
But I don’t give a rip
For that hip hop shit
So on the couch I did sit
And watched the drunks all lurch

Now the girl’s were wearing skirts
That were well above the knee
But I was drunk
So I couldn’t get it up
And it didn’t bother me
But then one sat upon my lap
And kissed me on the head
Goddamn the alcohol I thought
I might as well go to bed

At 11 o clock
The party stopped
When the neighbors did complain
“Let’s go to the club
And have more fun.”
Someone did exclaim
So everybody left the place
And they pulled me along
I missed my bed
But they all said
“You’re too drunk to walk home.”

As we walked along
I sang a song
To no one but myself
And mused upon the dirty streets
This garbage filthy Hell
When Lee took a swing
At a man named King
I was done with the whole damn thing
And I wandered off by myself

And no one ran after me
And no one said goodbye
And pretty soon I was lost
But not a care had I
I walked along and sang my songs
And mused upon the night
And pretty soon I found my bed
And slept till afternoon light

So what’s the moral of this thing
This poetaster’s tale of woe?
I have no answers for you there
I really do not know
But there’s one thing I am sure of
And you’ll probably think it queer:
I loves me jolly solitude
As much as I loves me beer.

Blarrrrg!!!

My hero Shane MacGowan doing what he does best lately:


I'm so tired and I badly need booze, but my job restricts me from drinking at all this week. Working on long story in bits and pieces. Hope to have it up either Friday night (if not passed out drunk) or on Saturday (if not hungover too badly). Thank you for being patient.

Upcoming Story!

My Internets been crappy all week so in case I can't get on long enough to post anything substantial, here's something to keep you checking back:

I've got a pretty sweet story that I'm mapping out. It will draw on my recent readings into Irish history and culture, my love of old houses, ancient gods, the 70s, and teenagers dying bloody deaths. It's going to be epic! Stay tuned!

Musicians as Food

I stole this from the Internet. I read some forum thread awhile ago with this idea but I forgot about it till today, when it just popped back into my head for some reason. (CYOF up tomorrow!)

Metallica
A thick meaty steak. Kind of hard to swallow sometimes but still tasty. Despite flavor changes over the years it was still pretty good till the cooks came out with a new version that didn't even look or taste like meat. We're not sure what it was but we sure didn't want to eat it. They tried to go back to the original recipe but now it just tastes old and musty.

Megadeth
Made by one of the original cooks of The Metallica Steak. Not as meaty or memorable, though some people like it better. Sort of has a bitter taste to it.

Slayer
When you order this the waiter kicks you in the head and throws you around the restaurant before slamming your face into a wall and pitching you out the door. Wether you come back for more or not will be a matter of personal taste.

Coldplay
A breakfast meal of plain pancakes with a glass of water on the side. It sort of tastes good at first, but the more you eat it the more the blandness of it overtakes you and you have to stop. The waiter, however, keeps insisting it's great. Don't listen to him.

New Kids on the Block
Some kind of weird sugary substance. Hard to eat but the kids seemed to dig it. It was discontinued but was brought back many years later. Unfortunately it was the same food but now it was all moldy and gross. Order at your own risk.

Miley Cyrus
When you order this a man in a suit climbs up onto your table and takes a dump on your kid's plate. He then tells them that its the best food in the world. To your disgust your kid eats it up and demands more. You don't have the heart to tell them that they're eating shit and hope someday they'll realize it for themselves.

Zac Efron
A bloody severed cow's head with dead eyes that stare into your soul. Just as repulsive as the Miley Cyrus, your kids will eat it up with the same amount of zeal while you weep for humanity.

Johnny Cash
A plate of meat and potatoes. Basic, but the best meat and potatoes you'll ever eat.

Willie Nelson
Meat and Potatoes again, but with an order of hash brownies for dessert. Eat it up quick before the government takes it away!

Celine Dion
A plate of broken glass covered in a thin layer of regurgitated cheese. Do not order this.

Poem composed on the fly

A huge Dubliners influence again. I hear Luke Kelly's and Ronnie Drew's voices in my head a lot when I write poetry now. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad.

One day as I was walking
Down by the sea
A girl with eyes of brown
Came up and said to me
How'd you like to walk with me?
And talk a bit of a while?
How'd you like to come home with me?
And get drunk in real style?

So I says to the pretty young lass
Last night I got drunk off me ass
I threw up all in my bed
And woke up with a poundin' in my head
So I don't feel like partakin' of the ale today
So unless you want to get frisky
You can just go on your way

Says the lass to me
You're not a man
A real man passes out
Gets up
And does it all again
You can't take your liquor I am sure
So I'll bother you no more

Says I says I to the pretty fair maid
No more drinking will I do today
Unless you want me to throw up me bits
Just then the lassy showed me her tits
Says I, I guess just a pint will do
A half hour later and I'm pleasantly screwed

Oh cursed be the women, the devil to them
For they know what they can do to us men
Just a flash of breast
And we're doomed to Heck
With three children
A mortgage
And a rope round our necks

Sad News (Not about me)

Richard Thompson has Parkinson's disease: http://richardspooralmanac.blogspot.com/2009/07/some-news.html

As a huge fan of Cul De Sac (I think it's one of the best newspaper comics to come around in a long time) this makes me very sad. Please wish him all the best for a speedy recovery.

Sharing a Bit of Happiness

I can't write tonight. Everything just comes out way wrong and it's making me angry and tired so here's a link to a drawing by one of my favorite artists that made my shitty day a little bit better: http://b1nd1.deviantart.com/art/Creamsicles-129673336

I love how she's always so dismissive of her work. She's like "oh, this is something I just threw together, it's not that great" when it's always amazing. Oh and did I mention that she's as cute as all get out?: http://emmy.eviltrailmix.com/Backpack4.jpg

More awesomeness:


I'd start an Emmy Cicierega fanclub but that would be a bit creepy doncha think? I'll stick with "anonymous Internet admiration." That seems to result in less awkwardness for everyone.

Blarg, I hate feeling like garbage! I'll try to write some tomorrow night, if I don't feel like I want to sleep the rest of my life away.

Alright, One More Little Thing

What I love about Shortpacked! is that even though it's goofy and surreal and nerdy David Willis is still able to create interesting characters that I actually care about. I'm actually very happy that Robin and Leslie are finally hooking up! I feel like a middle aged woman with her soap operas, if they were written by obsessive Transformer's fans.
That and I'm glad that he has gay characters that aren't total cliches. I wish Hollywood would get the memo that not all gay men are flaming queens. But thats a rant for another time...

Oh Nicktoons, Wither Thou? Part One

When I was a kid cartoons were my crack and Nickelodeon was my main supplier. I watched it all the way up through high school. Unfortunately, the quality started to slip pretty badly by that time, but there were still some awesome cartoons that kept me watching. I was thinking about this a lot today, so here's the first of a bunch of upcoming posts about all the Nicktoons I spent so much time watching.


Doug was the first real Nicktoon, premiering way back in 1991. To tell the truth though, it was pretty bland. It was one of those cartoons I watched just because it was a cartoon that happened to be on a lot. I was never big into cartoons about kids in school and could never understand why they were so popular. We had to spend most of our time there, why would anyone want cartoons about sitting in school?

Doug wasn't too bad though, as far as that kind of show went. The basic plot of every episode was that this dork in a green vest-shirt would have some sort of petty problem come up that usually involved the local bully Roger Klatt (who was green for some reason) or the object of his affection, Patty Mayonnaise (who was very very tan and had a dad who was in a wheel chair, for some reason). He would then fantasize about some weird way to solve his problem and ask his neighbors, The Dinks (Double Income No Kids, a nice little in-joke), for help. Mr. Dink would introduce some complicated gadget that would end up going haywire while his wife stood by and mocked him. As far as I can remember it was the only really funny part of the show. (Mr. Dink was purple and probably the most interesting character. He even had his own catchphrase, "very expensive!" which I guess was sort of funny. I like "YOU BROKE MY GRILL!!!" better though, but then I do love me some stupid Internet memes.). Of course by the end of a half hour, the problem would be solved very easily, making me usually want to punch Doug in his bland big-nosed face.

There were lots of other sort of memorable characters of various colors like the school principal named Mr. Bone, who was actually Don Knotts (my brother used to call him Mr. Boner), the town rich bitch Bebe, and Doug's beatnik sister Judy (Who I always thought was kind of hot. What? She was into Shakespeare and wore a beret which I thought was kinda cool. I was a weird kid.) Doug had a blue friend named Skeeter who was a spaz, a Snoopy rip-off dog named Porkchop, and was obsessed with a band called The Beats. This was a very odd aspect of the show as they were obviously referencing The Beatles but looked and sounded like bad New Wave "punks". The Beats had a couple of actually not that terrible songs which I can still sing parts of to this day (Why god, why do I still need to know the lyrics to I Need More Allowance and Killer Tofu? I'm going to be a tired old man that can't wipe myself and be singing those songs while the rest of my brain is completely gone. Oh shit, there was that other song on the show too, Banging on a Trashcan. Now it's stuck in my brain again! Excuse me while I slam my head into a wall for a bit....)

Alright, I'm back. They all lived in a town called Bluffington and there was lots of beet related humor. I didn't get it, but I guess the writers thought it was funny. That pretty much sums up a lot of the show, it wasn't very funny but I think the people responsible for it thought it was.

It was popular enough to spawn a feature film, ironically titled Doug's First Movie since it bombed big time and they never made another one. I never saw it since I could barley stomach the show for a half hour let alone an hour and a half.
It was picked up later by Disney which upped the suckage by re-doing the halfway decent theme song, updating the characters to high school, and letting Patty and Doug date, effectively removing any sexual tension from an already bland show. I watched one episode and then said goodbye to Douglas Yancy Funny (why do I still remember his middle name? Why????) for good. I have no desire to ever watch it again.

By the way, if you are of the female gender, wear a beret and are into Shakespeare, please respond in the comments section. I need to be dating you.

Next time: Good and bad times with smarty-pants toddlers or how to kill a good cartoon by running it into the ground.

New Project

Alright, I realized today that I really need to get my ass off the Internet and actually read some books. It just kind of hit me when I looked at all the poor unread tomes sitting on my shelves and heard the cries from the ones stuffed under my bed. So I made these rules:

1. Read one book a week for a whole year.
2. They can be any subject, fiction or non-fiction.
3. Comic books and graphic novels do not count, thats too easy.
4. Kids books are alright but they have to be actual novels, again, that would be too easy.

If anyone wants to do this with me and see if they can keep up, that would be really cool too. Everyone needs to read more books!

Since I've been obsessed with Irish culture lately, the first few books are going to be all Ireland related. I was at the library today and found a small shelf corner where a small selection of books on Irish History were sitting lonely and I borrowed the first one I grabbed:

A History of Modern Ireland With a Sketch of Earlier Times by Giovanni Costigan. It's old and falling apart but it looks like a good place to start.

Check back next Monday to see if I was able to make it one week!

Lucy eat th' three mice mice!

To make up for that awful story here's a bit of early Schulz goodness.


I think this is one of my favorite Peanuts comics ever. I love how cute baby Lucy is and the look on poor Charlie Brown's face in the fifth panel is just about the saddest I've ever seen a comic character.

Early Charles Schulz is so great, it's a shame he never liked to see his early stuff re-printed.

Apologies to Charles Schulz

I have no idea why I wrote this. I spent a good deal of time today reading The Art of Charles Schulz and I was wondering where his characters would be when they got older. Sometimes I hate my brain.

When his alarm clock went off Charlie Brown was dreaming about a little red haired girl he had known when he was a child. He was dreaming about the day her family had moved. He was standing on the street by her house watching the movers pack up the van, trying to get one last glimpse of her when suddenly there was this annoying buzzing sound and the world went dark.
Charlie Brown opened his eyes and blearily looked at the cheap clock by his bed side. Noon, great. Why had he set it? It's not like he had a job to go to since the toothpaste factory fired him yesterday. He supposed he had set it as a habit. After twenty damn years of doing the same things over and over it's hard to stop doing them unless you really stop to think. Thinking was not something Charlie Brown wanted to do much lately, not since Lucy had left him and taken the kids anyways. He rolled out of bed and greeted the world by slipping on a beer can and almost hitting his head on the bedside table. Luckily he missed and ended up on the floor, staring at the ceiling.
Good grief, he thought, what if I just lay here and don't get up? Who'll miss me? He started to drowse back to sleep when he was roused by his cell phone going off. Hadn't they canceled his service? Where was it coming from anyways? Bathroom. Great.
Charlie Brown got up and walked the small way through his dingy apartment, stepping over beer bottles and dirty magazines. He head still hurt from the massive amounts of whiskey he had ingested the night before and now his back hurt from landing on the floor. He half hoped the phone would stop before he got to it. No good news ever came by phone anymore. He got to the bathroom and stopped, letting out a forlorn sigh before pushing the door open and stepping into its smelly confined depths....

"Where the Hell have you been big brother? I've been trying to call you all week! Why didn't you come to my college graduation?"
Sally sounded angry, angrier than Charlie Brown had ever heard her.
"I'm sorry Sally. I just got fired from my job and Lucy has been taking all my money and..."
"That's no excuse! I told you I'd pay for you to come, I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU! NEVER EVER EVER EVER..."
Thats when it hit him, that horrible rolling in his guts he knew all too well. This was not turning out to be a particularly enjoyable day. Charlie Brown leaned over the toilet and let loose. He dropped the phone on the floor but could still hear it as he heaved.
"NEVER EVER...big brother are you alright? Hello?"
He looked down at the bowl. Hmmm, didn't remember eating that.
"Yeah I'm fine Sally, look. I'll come down for your birthday I promise...when is it again?"
"YOU BLOCKHEAD IT WAS TWO MONTHS AGO!"
"Sally, sally wait...."
Then she hung up. Charlie Brown looked sadly at the phone for a bit and then dropped it in the toilet. Then he walked out of the bathroom without flushing. He'd deal with it later. Right now a breakfast of Jack Daniels and cold pizza was calling to him. Hopefully his stomach could handle it. Charlie Brown reasoned that his day couldn't possibly get any worse. As he ate his king's meal a memory flashed through his mind almost randomly. He remembered the last date he had had with Peppermint Patty before he had broken it off to marry Lucy. As he thought of the tears that had welled up in her eyes and the hurt on her face, the pizza didn't taste so good anymore. Why had he done that? They had a good thing going, he supposed Lucy's will was just stronger.
"Now Patty's a lesbian." He said out loud to no one at all. He sighed again and threw his pizza on the floor. He'd clean it up later. He picked up the bottle of Jack and drank the little bit that was left. Almost out of booze, he thought. Better go for a run. I wonder if Shermy's up yet? Maybe I can get a few bucks out of him.
Charlie Brown walked out of his apartment and down the hallway. Through the window on the end he could see that the sky was gray and it looked like rain. Charlie Brown's loud knocking on his door brought no one. Shermy must have been at Patty's house again. Or maybe Violet. Or maybe even Charlotte. He had so many girls it was hard to keep track of them sometimes. He sighed and took the stairs down to the ground floor....

In the empty lobby he stopped and looked out the glass doors. It was starting to rain. What a perfect day. A perfect day to be Charlie Brown. As he walked to the Liquor Store in the rain to spend his last few dollars he cursed a god that would let such things like his life happen. Then he calmed down and realized that it was pretty much all his fault. He had never been good at making decisions....

I'll stop myself here. I could try and shoehorn Schroeder and Re-run and a host of other obscure characters in but I already don't like what I've created. There's a special place in Hell for me I just know it...

Weird Dream

So I'm a at a concert and the band is playing Sad But True by Metallica on a very small stage. No one in the crowd seems interested and everyone is just sitting looking bored. A few people are playing with their cell phones. Then someone stands up and shoots the bass player in the head. No one reacts, not even the band. They just keep playing the song, the guitarist even steps on the guy. It's probably the most vivid and surreal dreams I've ever had and I just wanted to record it before it started to fade.

Oh yeah, and after that I had a dream about fighting a zombie, for some reason. I kept shooting it till it finally dropped. Then it came back but it turned out that wasn't the zombie but a guy in a Halloween costume.

I suppose both dreams were supposed to be nightmares which I haven't had much as an "adult" but they weren't particularly frightening, just weird. Jeez brain, I've pumped you full of so many horror novels and movies over the years, trying to scare me like that isn't going to work!

Family Circus = Funny?

I rip on Bill Keane's Pwecious daily comic a lot but that's because it deserves it. It's one of the most inane gag inducing dinosaur comics that still survives because it makes old ladies chuckle over their daily glasses of prune juice. But did you know that when it first started way back in the 1960s it was actually sort of funny? Maybe not laugh out loud funny but amusing in a surprisingly subversive way. Check out these ones I pulled from the official Family Circus website:





Holy heck! Check out the Dad character! He's a misogynistic drunk who smokes! By the 70s though he's already the white toast heap of bland he is today, which is pretty much true of the comic itself, although the art was still better than it is today:

Is it wrong that I think the mom is actually kind of hot in this one?:

Here's the 80s:

What the Hell does that even mean?
I hate Billy so much, I'd gladly feed him gruel. Maybe he'd stop being such an annoying smartass.

This comic makes me want to set things on fire:


Alright, thats about all the Family Circus I can stand in one sitting. I have a Marmaduke book from the late 60s that I got at a garage sale. Did you know it used to be made by two people? And the jokes were just as lame as they are today! If I had a scanner I'd post some up, it's really incredible how it's survived so long.

In Heaven, Everything is fine, In Heaven....

You're floating
Actually You're not sure if you're floating
All there is around you is featureless white void
There is no up or down, left or right
This frightens you immensely
So you create a spot of ground to stand on
Just a small spot to rest your feet
But there's still the void surrounding you
So you create a lot more land
Till you can't see it anymore
The only problem is
That no matter how far you walk
You always hit that void
So you surround your spot of land with water
And create a sky
And a sun
And clouds
You find that you can decorate this island
However you want
And can make it night or day
And control the weather
You make a thick jungle
With a house in the middle
A large mansion
That you were never able to afford when you were alive
And you create a mountain
To climb up
And jump off of
You can break every bone in your body
And not feel pain
And you heal up quickly
And you're good as new again
One day after creating your own little world
You sit on a rock over looking your ocean
Smoking cigars
You never would have bothered with when you were alive
And you
Wonder
Just what is the meaning of death?

Oh Tell Me Son

Oh tell me son what do you want to be?
You're a man now son
You can do anything
With your mighty iron fists
You'll bend the world to your will
So trek forth now
And have your fill

Oh my daughter, take yourself from me
You're a woman now
As you can plainly see
So go find a man
To keep you safe from harm
The world is cold
But the kitchen is warm

Oh my wife, please dry your eyes
There's laundry to do
Tis no surprise
Those dishes in the sink
Ain't goin' to wash themselves
Don't make me angry
Or I'll make your life Hell

Oh my word, the night is coming down
It's time for me
To go out on the town
And drink up rounds
Till the sun comes back around
And not have to worry about the days
When I'll be buried underground.

Why is the World So Messed Up?

Yup, a children's cartoon made by an American company only exists to spread Jewish propaganda to Europe. And they were made by Disney because Walt Disney Studios is the only animation studio that has existed, ever. Makes perfect sense to me.

Oh and notice how all the women have to sit in the back of the classroom? Well, they should be happy that they get to sit there at all because women are worthless and should only exist to serve the needs of men. Don't get caught without your head shawl missy or you can be legally beaten in public. Isn't the world such a nice place? Well it would be if it weren't for those dirty pro-Jewish cartoons screwing with the minds of our noble hate-mongers.

But seriously, I was just looking for Tom and Jerry cartoons on Youtube and now I'm filled with rage. Screw it, I'm going to bed.

Stuffs

A new piece of choose your own fate is up. It's kind of going in a different direction than I thought it would, which is nice. Hopefully we'll actually get to the jungle but it seems like it might take a bit to get there. We might not even and end up on a completely different type of adventure.

Have I shown this clip before? If I haven't then here ya go. From Titanic the Animated Movie:

IT'S PARTY TIME!!!


Yes there really is a kids cartoon version of a tragedy that killed thousands of people. And yes it has a sequence that involves a rapping dog. And stereotyped Mexican mice. I haven't seen the whole thing but the Nostalgia Critic does a hilarious review of it. Thats the other thing I've been wasting time with this week: watching videos on http://www.thatguywiththeglasses.com/ .
There's so much I've been missing, why haven't I heard about this site sooner? I think I like the Nostalgia Chick the best, because she seems to be more restrained than the Critic and she's just as funny.

Okay, there's one thing I'd like to address before I stop wasting your time. Where does the stereotype that girls aren't funny come from? I can't believe people would actually swallow that crap but it seems to be a pretty popular opinion. Maybe these people are just unenlightened. Maybe we just need to show them Katie Rice's work or the musical stylings of Garfunkel and Oates. And then kick the sexist bastards in the face.

And to finish off, heres a video of a monkey peeing in his own mouth.:


Have a great week.

It's Comix Time You Lucky Kids!

Oh dinosaur comics, why are you so easy to make fun of?





Rugrats dialog courtesy of the late great Kurt Cobain.