Saturday, July 11, 2009

Apologies to Charles Schulz

I have no idea why I wrote this. I spent a good deal of time today reading The Art of Charles Schulz and I was wondering where his characters would be when they got older. Sometimes I hate my brain.

When his alarm clock went off Charlie Brown was dreaming about a little red haired girl he had known when he was a child. He was dreaming about the day her family had moved. He was standing on the street by her house watching the movers pack up the van, trying to get one last glimpse of her when suddenly there was this annoying buzzing sound and the world went dark.
Charlie Brown opened his eyes and blearily looked at the cheap clock by his bed side. Noon, great. Why had he set it? It's not like he had a job to go to since the toothpaste factory fired him yesterday. He supposed he had set it as a habit. After twenty damn years of doing the same things over and over it's hard to stop doing them unless you really stop to think. Thinking was not something Charlie Brown wanted to do much lately, not since Lucy had left him and taken the kids anyways. He rolled out of bed and greeted the world by slipping on a beer can and almost hitting his head on the bedside table. Luckily he missed and ended up on the floor, staring at the ceiling.
Good grief, he thought, what if I just lay here and don't get up? Who'll miss me? He started to drowse back to sleep when he was roused by his cell phone going off. Hadn't they canceled his service? Where was it coming from anyways? Bathroom. Great.
Charlie Brown got up and walked the small way through his dingy apartment, stepping over beer bottles and dirty magazines. He head still hurt from the massive amounts of whiskey he had ingested the night before and now his back hurt from landing on the floor. He half hoped the phone would stop before he got to it. No good news ever came by phone anymore. He got to the bathroom and stopped, letting out a forlorn sigh before pushing the door open and stepping into its smelly confined depths....

"Where the Hell have you been big brother? I've been trying to call you all week! Why didn't you come to my college graduation?"
Sally sounded angry, angrier than Charlie Brown had ever heard her.
"I'm sorry Sally. I just got fired from my job and Lucy has been taking all my money and..."
"That's no excuse! I told you I'd pay for you to come, I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU! NEVER EVER EVER EVER..."
Thats when it hit him, that horrible rolling in his guts he knew all too well. This was not turning out to be a particularly enjoyable day. Charlie Brown leaned over the toilet and let loose. He dropped the phone on the floor but could still hear it as he heaved.
"NEVER EVER...big brother are you alright? Hello?"
He looked down at the bowl. Hmmm, didn't remember eating that.
"Yeah I'm fine Sally, look. I'll come down for your birthday I promise...when is it again?"
"Sally, sally wait...."
Then she hung up. Charlie Brown looked sadly at the phone for a bit and then dropped it in the toilet. Then he walked out of the bathroom without flushing. He'd deal with it later. Right now a breakfast of Jack Daniels and cold pizza was calling to him. Hopefully his stomach could handle it. Charlie Brown reasoned that his day couldn't possibly get any worse. As he ate his king's meal a memory flashed through his mind almost randomly. He remembered the last date he had had with Peppermint Patty before he had broken it off to marry Lucy. As he thought of the tears that had welled up in her eyes and the hurt on her face, the pizza didn't taste so good anymore. Why had he done that? They had a good thing going, he supposed Lucy's will was just stronger.
"Now Patty's a lesbian." He said out loud to no one at all. He sighed again and threw his pizza on the floor. He'd clean it up later. He picked up the bottle of Jack and drank the little bit that was left. Almost out of booze, he thought. Better go for a run. I wonder if Shermy's up yet? Maybe I can get a few bucks out of him.
Charlie Brown walked out of his apartment and down the hallway. Through the window on the end he could see that the sky was gray and it looked like rain. Charlie Brown's loud knocking on his door brought no one. Shermy must have been at Patty's house again. Or maybe Violet. Or maybe even Charlotte. He had so many girls it was hard to keep track of them sometimes. He sighed and took the stairs down to the ground floor....

In the empty lobby he stopped and looked out the glass doors. It was starting to rain. What a perfect day. A perfect day to be Charlie Brown. As he walked to the Liquor Store in the rain to spend his last few dollars he cursed a god that would let such things like his life happen. Then he calmed down and realized that it was pretty much all his fault. He had never been good at making decisions....

I'll stop myself here. I could try and shoehorn Schroeder and Re-run and a host of other obscure characters in but I already don't like what I've created. There's a special place in Hell for me I just know it...

No comments: