Saturday, July 18, 2009

Musicians as Food

I stole this from the Internet. I read some forum thread awhile ago with this idea but I forgot about it till today, when it just popped back into my head for some reason. (CYOF up tomorrow!)

Metallica
A thick meaty steak. Kind of hard to swallow sometimes but still tasty. Despite flavor changes over the years it was still pretty good till the cooks came out with a new version that didn't even look or taste like meat. We're not sure what it was but we sure didn't want to eat it. They tried to go back to the original recipe but now it just tastes old and musty.

Megadeth
Made by one of the original cooks of The Metallica Steak. Not as meaty or memorable, though some people like it better. Sort of has a bitter taste to it.

Slayer
When you order this the waiter kicks you in the head and throws you around the restaurant before slamming your face into a wall and pitching you out the door. Wether you come back for more or not will be a matter of personal taste.

Coldplay
A breakfast meal of plain pancakes with a glass of water on the side. It sort of tastes good at first, but the more you eat it the more the blandness of it overtakes you and you have to stop. The waiter, however, keeps insisting it's great. Don't listen to him.

New Kids on the Block
Some kind of weird sugary substance. Hard to eat but the kids seemed to dig it. It was discontinued but was brought back many years later. Unfortunately it was the same food but now it was all moldy and gross. Order at your own risk.

Miley Cyrus

When you order this a man in a suit climbs up onto your table and takes a dump on your kid's plate. He then tells them that its the best food in the world. To your disgust your kid eats it up and demands more. You don't have the heart to tell them that they're eating shit and hope someday they'll realize it for themselves.

Zac Efron
A bloody severed cow's head with dead eyes that stare into your soul. Just as repulsive as the Miley Cyrus, your kids will eat it up with the same amount of zeal while you weep for humanity.

Johnny Cash
A plate of meat and potatoes. Basic, but the best meat and potatoes you'll ever eat.

Willie Nelson
Meat and Potatoes again, but with an order of hash brownies for dessert. Eat it up quick before the government takes it away!

Celine Dion
A plate of broken glass covered in a thin layer of regurgitated cheese. Do not order this.

4 comments:

Ignatz said...

Vanilla Ice: vanilla ice.

What would Michael Jackson be?

J.R. Spumkin said...

Nirvana
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A meaty steak that has inspired other such foods such as the Soundgarden Soup and Alice in Chains Special. The Nirvana Steak is sometimes overly-hyped, and is consistently advertised with the same slogans, like "Smells Like Good Eatin'!" and "All Apologies...If You Don't Just Love It!" However, as you eat it, you find there are parts of it not advertised that are even better than those advertisements. But just as you get into it, the steak eats itself, while the slutty, coke-headed side order it came with tries to be as popular.
You leave, really hoping there was even more, and even after trying all the hundreds of protoype steaks that are served afterwards, you still have an empty feeling.

System of a Down
-----------------
Similar in some ways with the Nirvana Steak, the SOAD Burger starts off fighting. Just after eating one morsel, you already love it and need more. Like the Nirvana Steak, there are a handful of constantly-used slogans to promote it ("Mezmerize the simple minded...into trying this great new treat!"), and yet the best parts are the ones not mentioned. However, when it seems that there's nowhere to go but up, the burger suddenly disappears. You ask your waiter what has happened, and he says, "This meal has gone into a temporary hiatus. I'm sure it'll be back in 2012." But, some idiot stands up and shouts, "No, I read that it'll be back in 2009!" and a thousand other damned idiots stand up, putting in their 2 cents about when it'll return to the menu. All the while, you've moved on to other meals, "From the Makers of the SOAD Burger". One, the Tankian Surprise, is an interesting dish. It's filled with constantly changing flavors and tastes, and occasionally screams something aloud about politics. Some like it, but others prefer the "Scars Plate", which is kind of like having an anvil dropped on your testicles. And all the while, you just wish that the SOAD Burger would return to the menu.

Kurdt said...

Michael Jackson was a company that made the best cookies ever. Well, except that over the years they started to taste a little strange until they almost inedible. Some people still consumed them with memories of how good they used to be and were very sad when they were recently discontinued, despite making fun of their strange flavoring.

Kurdt said...

"were almost inedible." Darn my por prooof reding skillz.

The side order of Courtney Love is very expensive and gives you a bad case of herpes, though you're not quite sure how.