Wednesday, February 18, 2009

How to Make a Million Dollars

It used to be that to be an entertainer, you had to be good at what you did, especially as a popular musician. This slowly eroded but at least until the late 90s you at least had to have some sort of singing or song writing talent for people to like your songs. Even the most banal studio produced garbage had catchy hooks or something that would get stuck in your head and warrant play on the radio.
That was until this asshat came along:

Soulja Boy, seen here on a beach wearing clothes you could shoplift from Goodwill.

Man, I thought I knew what a horrible song sounded like but in the history of stupid, lame crud music this shit really takes the cake. The first time I heard the song who's name I don't dare speak, on the radio, I couldn't believe it. My mind couldn't wrap itself around what I was hearing. There was a random steel drum beat and what sounded like a mentally challenged youth mumbling something about hos and superman and then an annoying voice shouting YOU over and over. I had no idea what it was. It certainly wasn't music. Music has rhythm and melody. Pop music is supposed to at least attempt a catchy hook. This had nothing. Nothing at fucking all. So of course I had to look it up. Was this really what the kids were listening to now? Had pop music fallen so far since I graduated highschool and stopped listening to the radio? Apparently yes. This song was a number one hit for seven freaking weeks. SEVEN! On top of that it made millions from tone deaf morons who put it on their cell phones. Then Soulja Jerk-ass won a grammy for best new rap artist. Rap? What? Thats not rap music. Rap music even at its worst has a rhythm and beat to it and actual fucking lyrics. How did this happen? Theres tons of talented musicians out there who try and try and try to break into the music business by writing actual songs, most of whom never make it but this fucking talentless hack publishes this "thing" on the net and suddenly he's fucking everywhere making tons of money. It's not fucking fair!

So here's what you need to do to become rich like this ass clown:
1. Steal a random beat from somewhere. It doesn't have to be relevant to the song, any random beat will do.
2. Think of the first thing that comes into your head. Soulja Boy's first hit song was about a nasty sex act. Mine will be about...corn dogs.
3. Record your vocals, it doesn't matter what you sing about because you'll be mumbling and no one will understand you anyways. Be sure to shout out at least one word loud and clear.
4. Create a stupid dance for the short bus kids who go to clubs to dance to. Mine is called the corn dog. To do the corn dog you wave your arms in the air while shouting FOOD really loudly.
5. Put it all together, publish it on the net, and then sit back and count your money.

The only reason I'm ripping on this loser is because I heard another of his musical atrocities today and it made me sick. He's still popular and making money, which blows my mind and makes me very sad for our culture.

1 comment:

J.R. Spumkin said...

I think I'll stick with my get nowhere drawing worth a damn and learning about animation.

But at least I know I have a backup!