Sunday, February 15, 2009

A Valentine's Day Story

Jimmy was a dork. You know the kind, they're in high school but still get dressed by their moms. Jimmy was such a dork this his mom also brushed his teeth and combed his hair. Sometimes she even bathed him. This of course got out somehow and Jimmy's one friend (a fat smelly kid that picked his nose and wiped it in his pockets) stopped hanging out with him. Well, they had stood around in the hallway by the art room and now the fat smelly kid stood five feet away but to Jimmy it was like he wasn't even there anymore. The thought ran through his mind that he couldn't even remember the kids name anymore and a single tear ran down his cheek. A group of jocks walked by and laughed and the captain of the football team punched him in the stomach. At least they didn't stuff him in the trashcan like they usually did. Jimmy stood up and walked to homeroom class.

Sitting right in front of Jimmy in Mr. Dergstrom's morning borefest was Melthea Dorbinson. She never talked to Jimmy but he liked to sit behind her and smell her hair. It smelled like strawberry's today. He inhaled deeply and she turned around and gave him a strange look. Then she moved to an empty desk at the front of the room. Another tear ran down his cheek and the beefy jock next to him smacked him in the back of the head with a hefty science book. Jimmy's head flew forward and smashed into his desk. Everything went black and when he woke up....

There was no one else in the room. As he stared in awe at the empty and oddly bright and sunny classroom he heard a voice behind him. Melthea was sitting on the teacher's desk.
"Hey big boy," she said and squeezed her boobs. "How'd you like me to teach you something useful?" Then she pulled off her shirt...

Back in the classroom, Mr. Dergstrom hadn't come in yet. All the kids in the classroom were gathered around Jimmy's unconscious form. Most of his body was blacked out but his hand sure wasn't. Melthea and her friend Almetha laughed and pointed as he furiously jerked himself. Everyone else was silent at this grand spectacle of hideous self love. Suddenly Jimmy groaned and it was all over. As he sat up and screamed the room burst with laughter and poor Jimmy cried and ran out of the classroom into the bathroom.

He weeped as he washed off his hands. As he thought about how many more hours he had before he could be home in the warm loving arms of his mother, he heard a small noise. It was coming from the bathroom stall. Cautiously he walked over and opened it. There was the fat smelly kid sitting on the toilet, his pants pulled down around his ankles, his hands covered in poop. He was crying softly.
"What happened?" Said Jimmy.
"I POOPED MAHSELF!" Said the smelly kid.
"That sucks for you," Said Jimmy "Here let me help you clean up."
As he wiped the stinky shit off the kids hands Jimmy knew that he had found true love. Later they would have sex in the back of the band room till Mr. Nebbish walked in on them and went blind.
The moral of the story is: Love sucks, take it where you can find it. Even if it involves poop and public humiliation.

Harpy valenteens day you hosers!


Phantom Spitter said...


That's great stuff, Kurdt! At first I thought he was dreaming mid-way through it. Yer crazy, man.

I'm gonna read Watchmen sooner or later and put a review on my blog. I hope the best for it, but don't be disappointed if I don't think of it as highly as you do. I have absolutely no idea what it's about, besides a smiley-face button splattered with blood and a guy whose face looks like an ink blot, which sounds like my kind of comic.

Anonymous said...

Nothin' like gay sex in the band room. Except maybe lesbian gay sex in the band room.