Random Story Idea Generator
A gang of tax collectors takes care of a baby found in a fantasy world.
When they say random they mean it don't they? Well, here goes...
Who are we? We are employed by the Maldavian government. What do we do? We collect money for the Maldavian government. How do we do it? With extreme violence. I can't even count the number of legs I've broken or the teeth I've pulled and I'm the nice one. Vinny likes to burn things. and by things I mean testicles. It's his specialty.
Mark loves his acid. Not the kind you eat, the kind you pour on things to make them dissolve. He employs it quite effectively.
Needless to say, we are quite good at getting the governments money. At least we used to be. A wrench has been kind of thrown in the works. We're hiding out right now in a cave in the lower mountains. When you receive this dear Mary, please read it and burn the letter. Then eat the ashes.
So we were at this one guys house, out in the shit-heel barrens. Well, it wasn't really a house, it was more of a shack type of thing. The walls were tar-paper so we didn't knock on the door, we just lifted the whole thing up and threw it into the air. The guy was hunched over a pail doing his dirty business. We all laughed. The guy tried to get up to run but I got him around the neck with a bolo and he fell on the ground trying to get it off so he could breathe. We all just stood over him laughing as his face turned blue. We all laughed again.
"Heereffhalgaf!" Was his reply.
"What'd he say?" Said Vinny, looking at me, like I'd know.
I Stepped forward, put my foot on the poor sod's chest and pulled the bolo off.
"Hergeffen bastards!" He said, a volley of spittle flying from his mouth. "Look what yeh did to me home!"
"That wasn't your home old man," I said, "You were hiding out weren't you? You owe the government some money don't you?"
Mark, who got bored easily, was digging through some boxes in what used to be the south corner of the house.
The man strangely didn't look scared. "I don't have any money you stupid ijots! I don't have any! God fershuluggin murfegindin..."
I smiled. "Well, you must have something of value right? and besides, you were very late on your payments so you have to be punished. Now we'll read you your charges."
I snapped my fingers and Vinny produced a scroll from his side pouch. He unrolled it and read while I pressed down harder on the dirty old man's chest with my foot.
"You are hear-by charged with the crimes of not paying the government what you owe if for living on it's land. And evading capture. And insulting the King's wife in public. And exposing your genitals to school-children. And eating of the wrong kinds of plants in the forests outside of...
"I NEVER EXPOSED MESELF TO DEM KIDS! ME BATHROBE HAS HOLES IN IT..." The man yelled. I gave him swift kick to the face.
"Add interrupting a government official to that list Vinny." I said.
Vinny quickly scribbled it on the scroll and continued.
"And writing poetry of an unsavory character and dancing with the devil in the cold moonlight and..."
Mark yelled out "Ah, stop it already! Lets just get to the fun part! Look what I found!"
From behind a moldy old box he brought out a large metal club, full of nasty looking sharp spikes.
"You think the bastard was planning on using this on us?" Said Mark, marveling at the thing.
"You sons of bitches were supposed to knock on the door first! Dontcha have any manners atall?" Said the old man.
"Well, I guess we're supposed to..."
I gave Vinny a sharp look and he shut up.
I pulled the smelly old fart up by his beard and looked him right in the face. "So old man. Whats it going to be? Are you going to give us some compensation, or are we going to beat you to a bloody pulp?"
"I...I...I...I" He stuttered.
"Out with it!" I shouted, purposefully spitting in his face.
"I have something very valuable! In a cage in the north woods! If you let me go, I'll show you were it is!"
Mark came up behind him and smacked him in the back with the club. "Stupid old man. You'll lead us to it now or I'll dissolve your groin to nothing!"
"Fershinky save me!" Was the old man's reply...
So that was how we found the thing, sitting in a crude metal cage out in the woods behind the old man's shack, mewling like it wanted to be fed.
"Blimey!" Said Vinny, "Thats a baby Danker isn't it?"
"So it is," Said I, "where did you find this old man?"
"I uh, I got it at a garage sale!"
Mark hit the old man in the back with the club again and laughed. A strange look came into his eyes.
"I've got an idea! Lets feed the old man to the creature! It'll be jolly good fun."
The old man groaned from the ground in protest.
I shrugged my shoulders. "Eh, why not? We'll say the thing ate him before we got here."
Vinny looked depressed. "Aw, I wanted to burn something!"
"Well, you'll get your chance at the next house Vinny! Don't worry!"
Vinny looked happy again. "Hooray!" He jumped up and down and clapped his hands. Vinny was a rather large man, but he was a man of simple pleasures.
So...to make a long story short we fed the old man to the baby. First we knocked him out with the club then we threw him in the cage.
Dankers are fascinating creatures. They're very large, even as infants, very red, and they're always hungry. They mostly live on a diet of Hogswaths in the Maldonian plains in the South Hemisphere. It was very strange to find one here. It was a lot of fun to watch it eat, with it's three rows of grinding teeth and knife-like tongue. It made quick work of the stringy old man. When it was done, it lay on the ground and flicked it's three arms in front of it's compound eyes and squealed contentedly.
"What are we going to do with it boss?" Said Vinny.
"Well, we have to bring something back as compensation, right? These things are very valuable and hard to catch...."
Mark spoke up. "I don't like this, there's something strange about all of it..."
"Ah, shut up Mark, you talk too much. Help me lift up this cage. It's a long walk back to the truck..."
We were doing alright till we hit the first bump in the road. Mark was in the back, holding the cage because we didn't have any straps to tie it down with. We hit the bump, the front end of the truck flew up in the air, and we heard mark scream.
"IT'S GOT MY HAND, OH GOD, IT'S GOT MY HAND!"
I pulled the truck over and we got out. I couldn't help but notice what a nice day out it was. We were parked by a grassy field, the birds were singing, the crickets were chirping merrily, and Mark now had one less hand.
"Holy lizard Jesus!" Said Vinny.
The Danker was rolling around in it's cage, and it sounded like it was laughing. Mark was crying.
"What am I going to do now? I'm a freak! GIVE ME BACK ME HAND!" He screamed at the cage. I slapped him hard across the face.
"Get a hold of yourself man! Nows no time to panic!"
"It's the perfect time to panic! Do you know what happens when you get bit by a Danker and live? I...oh God, it's starting!"
Suddenly Mark jumped off the truck and ran screaming down the road. We stood looking down the road for a bit. Vinny broke the silence.
"Well, don't that beat all..."
We didn't want to risk either one of us getting bit, so we carefully rolled the thing into the ditch and drove away. We drove along in silence for a long while.
"What..." Vinny started.
"It's a long drive back to headquarters Vin, we'll think up something to tell the bosses."
We didn't make it halfway back...
This cave is cold but at least it's easy to block the entrance. It's hard for a normal person to get through, it'll be even harder for the bloated thing that Mark became. The first time we saw it, we had camped out in this old run down house for the night. Right before sundown Vinny saw it lurching down the road, a hideous blob of muscle and teeth, supported by two legs still wearing Mark's shoes and the bottom of his pants. It stopped and smelled the air and screamed. Then it ran lurching towards the house and we booked it, not even bothering with the truck. We ran through the woods and found this cave. We know it's out there. We also know that eventually we're going to need food. I suppose we'll just have to draw straws to decide which one of us gets to eat the other one....
I love you Mary. Please take care of little Johnny and if the Hal next door starts hitting on you, tell him my ghost will kick his ass. Oh God, it's right outside! It's trying to force its way in! ARRRGGGH!!!!
"He actually wrote ARRRGGGH?" Biddy Marcelen sipped her tea and showed no emotion, as was usual. Mary sighed.
"Yes, my husband was always one for dramatics." Wendy spoke up in a timid voice.
"So...uh...do you think any of it is true?" She took a delicate bite of cookie.
"Well, the police did find a good lot of blood in the cave. Strangely, there's none on the note...."
"I bet the creature has an enormous you know what..." Said Maggie McGee and everyone of the women in the drawing room laughed.
"I hope it comes over soon, I'm dying for some action." Said Mary, causing Biddy to snort Earl Gray out of her nose.
Birds chirped outside and the sun shone brightly. Down the road, at the end of Suburban drive, about a mile away, a skateboard and a bloody baseball cap sat in the ditch. And in the woods lurked something distinctly inhuman, heading towards the house where the women sat and gossiped...