Monday, October 12, 2009

Story a Day #9

"I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes,
I saw the sign,
Life is demanding without understanding,
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes,
I saw the sign,
No one's gonna drag you up,
To get into the light where you belong..."
Ace of Base - The Sign

"So...uh...what do you want to do today?"
"Well, I got this Herschell Gordon Lewis Boxset in the mail today, and I was going to sit and watch all five movies. Got lots of beer and chips too! Wanna join me?"
"Hell no! Those movies are awful and that beer you bought tastes like ass."
"All beer tastes like ass..."
"Well at least the stuff I buy is drinkable! And you're wasting your life with this junk. Let's go to a bar and meet some people..."
"Eh, people are overrated."
"Fine then, but then don't come crawling to me when you're 80 and you look back on your life and realize you haven't done anything!" (Door slam).
"Jerk. Wow, I didn't know the human body contained that much blood!"

Narrator: "It was just another ordinary Saturday night. Another ordinary street in another ordinary town. Another ordinary man sat in front of the TV pissing away his ordinary life. Or was it ordinary? NO! No it wasn't you fools! I was deceiving you all by saying how "ordinary" everything was. But it's not! Your stupid minds are stupid, stupid! Stupid stupid stupid...where was I? Oh yes...
A few billion light years away from our small blew planet, in quadrant 5 of a part of the universe who's name our human tongues can't pronounce, someone was watching. Behold!"

Meekra sits in front of a computer screen in a very clean and shiny room. She is wearing a very skimpy two piece bikini because in most male oriented sci-fi all females must wear as little clothing as possible, even if it makes no sense. We can also clearly see her nipples poking out under the thin cloth. She is also green, because it's IN SPACE!!!

Meekra: "Fenshlom, come look at this."
Fenshlom is an orange type alien with a body to make all the male nerds drool. Of course if she really existed the weight of her boobs combined with the thinness of her midsection would snap her in half, but anyways, ON WITH THE STORY!
Fenshlom: "Yes my queen. Do you require another tongue bathing?"
Meekra: "No! Not right now anyways...look at this earthling!" (She points at the screen dramatically)
Fenshlom: "What about him? He looks like your average well fed sub-intelligent earthling from the area of the planet called "America-land."
Meekra: "Yes, but I desire him! I need him inside of me as soon as possible!"
Fenshslom: "But aren't you a les..." (Meekra puts her finger over Fenshlom's mouth)
Meekra: "Hush! You know you can't say that word out loud! It's only supposed to be implied!"
Fensholm: (Pushing Meekra's hand away) "Alright, but how are we to acquire this earth creature?"
Meekra: With...SUPER HYPER MEGA-IMPROBABLE SPEED!" (She jams her finger on a control panel button and the ship blasts off!)

Narrator: "Meanwhile back on earth..."

Hero of the story: "Whew, that movie was intense! I liked the part where he stuck her face in the pan of oil! am I talking to?"
Narrator: "Suddenly out of nowhere..."
Hero: (Scared) "Who said that? Where are you hiding?"
Narrator: "Dude, you're not supposed to hear me. Just...just pretend I'm not here."
Hero: "Um, okay...."
Narrator: "Where was I? Oh yeah. Suddenly out of nowhere!"
(A space ship crashes through the front of the house completely destroying most of it.)
Hero: "Holy Shit! How am I going to pay for that?"
(A front panel of the ship opens and out step the space hotties.)
Meekra: "You earth being! I desire earth sex with you, now! Escort me now to your inner sleeping chambers and remove those rags you call clothes!"
Hero: "But...but you destroyed most of my house! How am I going to tell my roommate..."
Meekra: "SILENCE! I will have your roommate vaporized when he returns. Will that solve your problem?"
Hero: "Eh, I suppose so. Lets get it on!"
Fenshlom: "Wait wait wait wait! I think I know whats going on here! You, you at the computer!"
Me: "Me!"
Fenshlom: "Yeah you! Your writing sucks!"
Me: "Hey, I take offense at that!"
Fenshlom: "This is just a poorly written porno fantasy that you've inserted yourself in via this nameless character. I mean, who the Hell spends their Saturday nights watching crappy gore movies and drinking scuzzy beer besides you?"
Me: " coolest people ever, that's who!"
Fenshlom: "I want you to stop writing right now!"
Me: "Okay...but if I do that you'll cease to exist."
Fenshlom: "Well then write me into something else then, and give me a realistic size body for crying out loud. And I don't want to be orange anymore!"
Me: "Okay, I'll see what I can do..."

Narrator: "From then on Fenshlom was! And though she was an alien she was a Caucasian color with a robust body suitable for a warrior such as herself!"
Megan: "Thank you!"
Narrator: "She was also a nymphomaniac that would have sex with anything that moved!"
Megan: "Oh come on, you misogynistic pig!"
Narrator: "No. If I was a misogynist, I would say something like 'Megan was a woman and thus she spent most of her time in the kitchen, WHERE SHE BELONGED.'
Megan: "Hmmm, you do have a point.... "
Narrator: "Of course I do! Now go down to that planet and conquer having sex with everything!"
Megan: "Aye Aye captain!"
Narrator: "And thus our story gets off to a well and great start as every great story should...with lots of hardcore porno style sex from lots of improbably positions!"
Megan: "This...this kind of hurts my back, can we switch positions now?"
Large well hung rock beast: "No baby, the camera needs to be able to see everything! How else will it compete in todays over saturated porno market?"
Megan: "Damn Internet. Ohh...ahh...ouch! I think I just slipped a disc!"

As you can probably tell, I hadn't thought this through much when I started writing. But I'm just so awesome that I was able to make something out of nothing, I am truly a god among writers! Take that Charles Dickens, you hack!

Tune in next time for more startling adventures in startling mystery with our realistically horny heroine as she goes from planet to planet fighting evil...with her orifices!

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