Friday, January 2, 2009

Movie Marathon Update Part 2

I'm going to watch Prom Night a bit later but I thought I'd post on the last two movies so I can give PN a nice long review. So what did today bring so far? Pain that's what! Pain by way of a horrible werewolf movie.

Do not under any circumstances watch The Howling IV (1988). First of all, theres no reason for it to even exist. Despite having a IV in the title, it's actually sort of a re-make of the first movie but it switches the names around and tries to stick closer to the book the first one was based on. So...why would you ever need to see this? Just rent the first movie! The main problem with this film is that it's Boring with a capital B. There's almost no werewolves in the damn thing till the last quarter where the people who were making the film suddenly realized they hadn't put any in yet and went all out with their laughably cheap effects. Showing a guy in a mask you shop-lifted from K-Mart from their after Halloween specials rack is not going to impress me, especially after sitting through an hour of your stupid main characters trying to figure out what's so incredibly obvious that you just want to slap them all and shout "everyone in town is a werewolf you morons, get in your Jeeps and leave so we can all end this thing and go home!" That is when you're not yawning or picking lint out of your bellybutton. Yes this movie motivated me to do that, way to go guys.

So...good things about this movie? I suppose I should try do that, thats what most good critics do right? There is a nice set of naked boobs, with very pointy nipples. Unfortunately it's not on the cute redheaded main actress. They're on the werewolf girl boning Mr. Mullet. Yes, there is a guy in this movie who wears a mullet and has a permanent five o clock shadow. And when he actually wears a shirt its unbuttoned so you can always see his forest of chest hair. Towards the end he turns into a werewolf of course, but not before he melts into a disgusting pile of ooze for some reason. Theres no logical reason why this would happen but it did look kinda cool, albeit very cheap like the rest of the movie. Oh yeah, this movie is cheap cheap cheap. Apparently it was filmed in South America during the Apartheid. Space Mutiny was also filmed in the same place in the same time period. Space Mutiny is laughably stupid, Howling IV is just dull and painful. Like a stick that some asshole keeps poking you with which wouldn't hurt normally but he keeps poking you with it till you start to bruise and that pisses you off.

This movie does bring up a couple of questions though. Why are so many werewolf movies so terrible? They should be easy to pull off but I can count the good ones I've seen on one hand. (The Wolfman, American Werewolf in London, and the first Howling movie.) Second, why did The Howling warrant six freaking sequels? Six! It was an alright movie but Werewolf in London was much better and that didn't get a crappy sequel till 1997! Third, what is it about the 80s that makes even some of the good movies made in that era seem stupid and dated? Howling IV has a couple examples, bad lite rock music for an opening theme, terrible clothes and hair, and a hairy douchebag thats supposed to be a manly hero but is just gross and you wish he'd stop licking his hot wife whenever they have sex cause it makes you feel a bit sick to your stomach. Damn you 80s! Give me the 70s, at least its tacky styles are palatable.
One last gripe before I end this rant. I hate movies that try to build suspense by putting in shrieking scare chords when nothing scary happens. Howling IV examples: Girl opens door and sees empty bed cue scare chords, policeman walks up to car cue scare chords, cute little dog runs around in backyard cue scare chords. Quit trying to build tension in your tensionless movie when nothings happening you idiots!

Okay, so after this lump of crap the next movie didn't look like much and I hesitated putting it in. Sigh, its called The Nurse (1997) and it has cheesy blood stained cover art. But hey, wait a tic! This movie has actual characters! An actual plot! Things actually happen that are interesting! Things actually happen at all! After Howling IV this is like a breath of fresh air. Sure its just a clich├ęd thriller with horror elements and it looks like it was shot on video, but I actually kind of liked it. Plus it ends with two girls in tights fighting on a table! It's a movie that knows what it's viewers would want to see: a bloody revenge fantasy and good looking girls trying to kill each other, and it delivers. Can't beat that I say.
I just realized I don't have that much to say about this movie. Why do I keep giving all the words to the really bad movies? I guess pissy rants are just more fun.
So later tonight, Prom Night with Jamie Lee Curtis! No, the movie not my actual prom night. If I was taking Ms. Curtis I would have actually gone instead of skipping out and going to a water park that weekend. But thats another story for another time...

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